B-Movie Bomb: King Arthur And the Knights of the Round Table (Spoilers)

 So...been awhile huh?

Yeah, I got no excuse, real life just got in the way...and when I tried reviewing The Brady Bunch Movie my brain had the natural reaction of having my teeth pulled by a rusty tool covered in salt.

So...yeah, real life and trying to force myself into watching a movie more painful than a nail to the skull didn't make for a good combo. But, hey, maybe I just need a vacation to get the last of the cobwebs out, just something to refresh my mind. But where to go...

Yeah, let that slightly...interesting...cover of the song hammer the joke that I'm doing the mockbuster of Guy Richie's King Arthur, The Asylum's King Arthur And the Knights of the Round Table, aka, making your company vacation a business expense!

Yes, our favorite studio that has done everything, from starting a whole faith based sub-division to cash in on Disney to make an entire franchise out of the stupidest thing you can think of, actually found enough quarters in the couch to film outside of the US! I kid, more than likely, they all wanted a vacation and wrote this project to write it off as a “Business expense.”

Gotta love loopholes!

Regardless of why they did it, the reality is that, around the time, their King Arthur was thought of/made, the studio was riding high off of the success of both their TV series, Z-Nation (A light hearted take on The Walking Dead that rejuvenated SyFy's TV division) and the Sharknado movies, with the 3rd one, Oh, Hell No, out and the fourth, The Fourth Awakens, on the way. So, it's nice to know that while they write off the vacation as a “Job,” they can afford the “Vacation.” And this half joke is also a half guess, as I can't find ANY reason outside of the plot that this is in Thailand and the storyline reason isn't expanded beyond “Moved here.”

And considering how cheap these guys are, can you blame me for thinking this?

So, the movie opens with stock footage of a castle and knights before going into some warehouse made to look like a...I mean a “Very authentic just don't look at the fake dirt floor very real real cave” where King Arthur (Bryon Gibson) is holding the line! Not sure how a cave under your castle says “Hold the line” more than “Hide this is in some warehouse,” but ok. It looks bad for our king, as Morgana (Sara Malakul Lane) and her son, Mordred (Russel Geoffrey Banks), have Arthur and his cannon fod---I mean “Knights” blocked in a cave and orders Merlin (Harold Diamond) to end the threat with a bold of lightning!

Well, turns out this cave looking thing is really the throne room...with no round table and stalagmites that say it's a cave set...and with Morgana and Mordred forced to answer for their crimes. Namely, Morgana did her magic thing by making EVERYTHING that can give birth, plants included, not.

Hey, don't look at me like that, the exposition Arthur dumped said it.

So, their punishment: IMMORTALITY! That's right, you wreck some shit, you get to live forever! Morgana tries one more time to kill the king, but Merlin steps in and shenanigans results in all of magic being tied to Excalibur.

...wait...isn't that already the case considering...

D'OH! Trying to think about an Asylum movie, what was I thinking!?

Well, this is enough to cause Arthur to force her and her kid on the throne and turn said throne into a stone rocket and launch them IN...SPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE in the cheapest CGI way possible! Hey, all the money wen to the company vacat---I mean “Set location.” Sure enough, we jump 1500 years later to the vacat---”Location of new Camelot,” Thailand!

Great...how'd the magic get to Thailand?

And I looked. It was limited, but the sources I found said that yes, the Asylum, a studio notorious for using their own backyard to shoot something, actually went to Thailand. Again, there's a reason I joked about saving all the couch change.

And hope you like those 4K TV displays that say “Around the World in 4K,” 'cause the Asylum plays the Hell out of the stock footage to let you know you're in Thailand! Just in case you missed it, here's Bangkok 12 more times! We then jump to a dojo where our hero, Penn (Eoin O'Brien), and girlfriend, Jenna (Kelly B. Jones) training for the local theme park stunt sh---I mean “The big family tournament” coming up! Yes, that time of the year where the 100% possibly not definitely most assured isn't is decedents of Arthur and his knights show up to kick their own asses!

I say that because even THEY'RE not sure and the only relative that says they are is the crazy one that keeps saying “This one time, I kicked a dragon's ass...” Don't ya just love it when family linage is this?

After he pops the question, we jump to the sounds of a spaceship landing on Earth holding the gruesome twosome, Morgana and Mordred! And if you think this means we're gonna get something as awesomely stupid as Arthur's family vs. Morgana's aliens...

The two wonder why Earth hasn't had it's ass kicked yet, but it turns out it's because the magic is still here and Merlin hid it!

Great! Why's the magic in Thailand?

She vows to get the magic the sword shielded back and...it just hit me that if magic still being here is why the aliens haven't beaten us yet, what was the point of her ALIEN TRAINING!?

Wait, wait, overthinking an Asylum movie...meaning I was thinking.

Jump to the next day and the decedent of Merlin, Elaine (Asia Marie Burnett) is giving Penn a massage to work on his dinged shoulder and dump more awkward exposition about how this is the first time they talked in 5 years. Meaning this family reunion is taking place already in an area where the family of the knights already lived.

Great! Why'd they all move to Thailand?

After being taken back to the reunion by Gunner (John Nutt), the guy who says they're related to Arthur and the knights, we see Elaine is in a bit of pain herself. Not to worry, she has the...Holy Grail in the safe to heal herself?

…

Ok, first, you with the Monty Python poster, just...no.

Second, I thought all magic was stored in Excalibur, how'd this happen?

Follow up, why's the magic in Thailand?

She's healed up just in time for an entire soccer team of cannon fodder show up JUST BEFORE Morgana and Mordred do, bondage gear and all! Fun fact, this was directed by the then boyfriend of the woman who played Morgana. Gee, I wonder why she was given the skimpy outfit. While this is going on, everybody was...kung-fu...theatering...as two female family members fight until a winner was declared...and said winner said she'll keep her mouth shut because if her parole officer heard about this, he'd flip...

...how did you get the ok to be in Thailand?

Wait, wait, Asylum, don't think.

All's fun and games until Lucas (Alexander Winters) shows up and spoils the fun. Turns out he had a thing with Penn's now fiancee...and he's not let go as he's left her 15 voice mails since arriving!

...hold up...I know family spreads around the globe over time, but...this Taiwanese dojo is looking a little pale, and I don't mean from the sun. So, this means a huge chunk of the family is coming TO Thailand...

Great! Why are they in Thailand?

Lucas gives Penn the bad news, that he's not promoted in his unit and he reports DIRECTLY to Lucas first thing when the leave is over and they get back! It's the military, what the Hell do ethics and the ability to depend on your commanding officer not kicking your butt or leaving you to die over an issue have to do with anything? The anger is enough to boil over to declare it's time for another match with the family as they get out the kendo sticks! Ah, yes, give two people with such deep issues that it's implied to impact the military weapons, this can only be a good thing!

Penn, our hero, gets two weapons vs. Lucas's one, but that's ok because Lucas decides following the rules of combat is for losers and just punches and kicks his way to victory for the House of Lancelot!

Gee, I wonder who Penn's the decedent of and why this is over a woman, this is so subtle from the Asylum!

We then jump back to the parlor, where Morgana takes control of the soccer team via magic tinfoil just as Elaine gets out the grail, which actually Morgana mistakes for the sword due to the energies it gives out! Again, I thought all magic was in the sword. Anyway, Morgana then launches a ball of death to follow Elaine as she runs to the family dojo only to have the ball of death cook her nines.

...I thought they said aliens couldn't beat Earth because the magic is still here. It seems the alien training is actually doing fine in the “Take control and kick our ass” department.

...wait, hold up...Morgana just implied that her son relies too much on tech and is...gonna try some magic? Wait, I thought the sword stored all her mag---

Right, right, thinking again.

Elaine dies, but gets out “Find my sister” before she does and gives them the grail. We jump to sometime later, after the cops and such investigate so that's it for Elaine, where Gunner has the grail in his hands and recites the poem that Elaine also said before she died, namely it's the grail that can unsheathe the sword as both sides can bring salvation and damnation. Apparently, despite being cousins and a huge chunk of the family being into the Author stuff, they were unaware that she was connected to Merlin.

But that's not important, let's hear how the cup makes all the men in the movie tingle! The men, and two of the women, talk about what happened and it turns out Gunner knows a thing or two about middle age archaeology and goes to try to study it, but makes it clear that he doesn't trust the internet because, unless it's pen to paper, it's not historically accurate.

This is because one of our heroes wanted to look up the name of Elaine's sister and he said, well, what I just typed in response.

Meanwhile, Morgana zombifies the soccer team into Mordred's army to get the grail back! This is either a joke to remind you that her magic is supposed to be gone, OR a joke about for something where the implication is magic is protecting us...but the alien training is STILL doing a good job kicking our asses. I don't think the writers care enough for me TO care enough.

Back to the Arthurian Taiwanese Dojo, and Penn lashes out at everybody, ready to tell his whole family to go to Hell over everything. Good to know it's not just the fact that his commanding officer hates his guts for taking his ex that has me worried about giving ANYBODY in this family a gun or a command. And...ok, by taking control of the soccer team, I apparently mean one guy as he and Mordred storm the dojo and when the family hear's he's hunting for the cup that a family member died over...they joke about him being on drugs and in S&M gear.

Nice to see family means so much to these people.

Pleasantries out of the way, it's time for the latest practice for the local 4H fair stunt sh---I mean the “Incredibly choreographed fight that in no way looks like a bunch of rank armatures were staging something after the camera man spun himself like he was getting ready for a t-ball game.” A few reject power ranger moves later, they kill the zombie and are ready to go after Mordred...who then wipes the floor with them while the camera man looks like he's on the Poseidon just as the wave was coming until they all finally work together to pin him...and give him a chance to exposit on how the zombie was made. After spitting out who he is, Mordred then says he's mainly here for redemption vs. his mom, who's there for revenge...and don't ask me where this comes from, I'm a wrestling fan and this face turn is even random for me. Cops then show up at Elaine's business only for them to wind up zapped by the tin-foil of magic to become more members of Morgana's zombie army. Again, for the implication that Earth's magic is protecting us from alien stuff, it's doing a bad job against alien stuff.

I guess it has to have a HUMAN behind the alien stuff.

Back with Penn and family as they take the family jeep down some streets and...

Only the Asylum can take a location like Bangkok and make it feel like whenever they filmed at either the backyard or the park 6 blocks away from the studio.

...argue with each other again at Gunner's house, which Penn says he'll give the guy an hour to try to prove everything. If you're wondering about just looking up stuff on the internet to save time, remember, if it ain't pen to paper, it's bullshit according to Gunner. Oh, and the kicker? We find out (After Penn and Lucas get into ANOTHER fight) that this is also because Gunner lives the authentic medieval lifestyle.

In a mansion.

In Thailand.

Thankfully, though, Gunner is not stupid enough to forget time is wasting and actually gets Jenna to use the internet to find Elaine's sister, Krista...because she has the same middle name as Elaine's last!

...it's ironic this movie has the “Internet can do magic” plot...

Speaking of Krista, she (Elidh MacQueen) goes to investigate the dojo while Lucas goes off and practices for when he has to do the stunt show for the local county fai---I mean “Swing the important weapons around for reasons other than the director said pad out the movie!” We then jump to...I think Georgina (Tanja Keller, if it is), I don't remember hearing her name even once...talking to Mordred about the family, namely she is glad to hear she's related to one of the knights after all. He knows this simply because the glove in her hands, Mordred's, said so as we get exposition about aliens and he doesn't know that he's human anym---

Does this matter? We're not gonna get aliens in this thing, anyway.

This causes to Mordred to dive into Georgina's(?) personal issues, leading him to saying if she uses the glove on him, she can learn everything about him since he can't use it on himself for...reasons. She does so as the alien tech uploads into her brain and just drives her to touch him like he said and this was all to...have Mordred try to confirm if he has a soul? What?

No, really, where the Hell did this come from? I feel like we're missing a movie, here.

Meanwhile, our white...Thailand...medieval...dude...translates for Penn that it means they're gonna fight a dragon as it turns out the sister they're all looking for is in the astro-institute of Thailand...the whole time...without the family knowing who she is.

Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why did the knights move to Thailand?

But Morgana finds 'em right after that, causing her to...flicker the lights like the first grade class won't shut up, oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The rest of her undead horde start attacking...

Glad at least SOMEBODY can see the fight in this dark thing.

And if you do see this and don't like the dark, don't worry! It starts to strobe after a bit. Off, on, off, on, head, ache, head, ache.

For crying out loud, you would think EVEN a studio like the Asylum wouldn't make Thailand look so dirt cheap, and yet the Asylum is THAT inept, especially in 2017.

Things look bad when Penn gets stabbed, but that's until Krista shows up guns a blazzin' and rescuing them, causing Gunner to ask how she was able to find them. Gee...I don't know...a white guy living in one of the biggest mansions in Thailand, trying to live an Eastern Medieval lifestyle? Maybe she went to the OTHER white guy living in one of the biggest mansions in Thailand trying to live an Eastern Medieval lifestyle. THERE'S SO MANY! So, after having Penn drink from the grail, Krista reveals her back story and, clunky story (Including saying the cops told her where they are) short, she was adopted by Elaine's family and when she learned about the grail, she wanted to use it to heal...Elaine wanted to use it for money. Well, turns out her family leaned on the side of the sister that wanted to heal, so she jacked the grail and made the fortune off of it until the whole thing with a bubble in her head.

You hear that kids, greed means immortal human aliens will kill you!

It turns out between Morgana being sent to orbit and now, the grail SOMEHOW turned into the Holy Grail and with Penn healed, they're off to Krista's home, New Camelot.

Great! Why's it in Thailand?

They head over to the random building the scouts found to be this New Camelot and it turns out it's armed to the teeth as there's guns, guns, and more Arthurian guns! So, it turns out to keep the sword hidden, Merlin melted it down and turned it into the grail, changing it's properties to be more healing based as it was passed down from his family line to where it is now.

Great! Why are they in Thailand?

Now the plan is to turn the grail back into the sword and get ready to kill Morgana with it!

And the guns. The lots of guns.

Well, now we have a new problem, as it turns out the sword can only go to the one with the strongest link to Arthur's bloodline...and if you've been paying attention to PENN's name, you can guess better than these morons who it is, because Gunner jumps in and goes “ME! ME! I DID THE LARPING! I GOT A MANSION FROM BEING SMRT ABOUT THIS STUFF! I EVEN LIVE A EUROPIAN LIFESTYLE IN AN ASIAN COUNTRY! ME, ME, ME” to try to claim it.

I am not even kidding, he even says “I've devoted my whole life to this,” even with Penn revealing that his ancestry said his link was to one of the other knights, which Gunner had this look of “Oh, you totally 100% are not absolutely linked to something I intentionally did not rig to make me not look more awesome than I already am.” Sure enough, as soon as he puts his hand in the magic pot, the magic pot shows Gunner is full of shit as it starts burning his hand in searing pain. Gunner, because he's that LARP guy that we all know would go nuts and not shut up if he was revealed to have medieval blood, refuses to let go...until his arm looks less like an arm and more like a project made out of meatloaf.

Morgana shows up with Lucas ready to shoot...only for Morgana to have her Dalek shield up and running, taking out Lucas.

Again, for an implication of being protected by magic, the alien stuff seems to be doing fine kicking our ass.

Everybody else tries to stop her, except Mordred gets a shot in the nuts, the one lady I can't identify gets KO'd with Lucas, and Gunner gets gutted. Penn, who managed to get the sword from the gold...

It's The Asylum, they somehow made Thailand look like they filmed in the park six blocks away, remember?

...and runs Excalibur through Morgana! And...Oh God, I can't believe what I'm about to type...this is enough to actually cause her to grow into a giant alien robot mecha thing and starts rampaging through Bangkok, breathing fire because...well, nothing says dragon like giant alien robot that was once human because magic sci-fi thing.

After trying to blow it up with a bazooka didn't work, Penn figures he has to climb the giant robot not a dragon but is supposed to be a dragon Morgana thing to try to remove the sword because, get this, the magic is now POWERING UP THE SCI-FI MYSTICAL ALIEN DRAGON BY METAPHORE THING. Considering this was the year of a later Sharknado, you'd think I'd be having fun with what I'm describing, but 2017 was one of the last years the Asylum took everything BUT Sharknado as serious as a heartattack, meaning while one is stupid for the right reasons, this thing is stupid for the WRONG reasons.

Penn pulls the sword from the Morgana-bot...

...yeah...

...as Mordred knocks out Georgina(?) from incoming bad CGI robo crud, dying in the process but not before Penn knights up thus redeeming the guy. Again, I don't know where this part of the story came from, just roll with it, it's almost over. And even if it wasn't, the whole redemption thing seems pointless because Mordred literally feels the flames of Hell all over his body! Yes, folks, even the afterlife regards saving a life directly AND saving millions from your giant robo alien magic dragon mom “He did that ONE thing.”

The knights' decedents recites the oath...oh, and if you're wondering about that whole thing where Gunner and Penn had the wrong genealogy, not followed up on!

Yeah, it's 2017 Asylum movie, there you go with that thinking again.

I have looked up and down all over the internet, and all I can conclude from my own opinions and what I know about the studio was this HAD TO have been a vacation written off as a tax expense. Bunch of staff wanted to hang out in Thailand, new King Arthur movie due out that year, BAM, money saved by a studio who's motto is “Grandma don't know the difference.” It's all over the place, inept, poorly acted, choriographed worse than the final day of a Six Flags' stunt show, and plot hole after plot hole after plot hole.

It's one thing if all their families moved to Thailand to hide the magic...except they didn't.

It's one thing if the magic moved to Thailand, setting up New Camelot and why everybody felt like they had to be there...but it didn't.

And you'd think there'd be a bigger impact of Morgana learning from aliens, or even her BRINGING aliens as an idea...nope.

And only, ONLY THE ASYLUM can still make shooting in a place like Thailand like shooting at the park six blocks away from the studio.

If this is the end result, part of me wants to know how the vacation went.

One movie set in Bangkok,

And the story's a cluster.

The budget is $250, but the vacation's free.

One movie set in Bangkok,

And it badly shot.

Makes me wish I had some pot.

I can smell the stench of an awful plot.

FINAL VERDICT: For looking like a typical Asylum movie despite the location, for WASTING the location, for more plot holes than Swiss cheese, bad fighting, dumb dialog, this movie gets a MEGA-ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! You have to TRY to be in somewhere like Thailand and still look like you filmed it before Z-Nation had to use the set. Now, if you'll excuse me, a group from Japan has stopped by Chicago and are trying to find this mystical dagger that can kill a Nobunaga that came up from Atlantis. Isn't that right?

"Oui, nous devons l'arrêter avant qu'il ne se transforme en sous-marin terrestre !"

...this may take awhile...

UPDATE: Changes to Boomer Bummer Summer

 UPDATE: Due to it being harder than I thought to get the Beverly Hillbillies movie, I'm going to postpone it and start with The Brady Bunch Movie.  I know I keep doing this, but life, availability, and in some cases the comedy would be too forced (The Birds 2: Lands End pops in my mind), so I have to roll with the punches.  I wanna start this thing while it's still summer and make it an annual thing and if I have to readjust, then I have to readjust.  Sorry in advance, I'll try to have it for this year.  If not, I'll aim for next.

Also, yes, I was originally gonna call this the "Bummer of ME" as a spoof of MeTV's "Summer of ME" event, but I don't know how many people watch MeTV.  Let me know if the joke can still work.

B-Movie Bomb: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (Spoilers)

 

So...there's a reason I picked this one and not Netflix's Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel boot, namely it's...a movie.

Yeah, that's the nicest AND meanest thing I can say about the new one...it's...there. Half my friends said it was one of the worst horror movies they ever saw, half said it was the most fun they had with a TCM sequel, but to me it's like the mountain was for Mohammad: It was there. Thus, it lead to the same situation with The Birds 2: Lands End, namely another movie that I HAVE to review. Only difference is it's done more out of apathy and less “Ugh, do I have to.”

However, like a “Do I have to” movie, a movie where the attitude is “Meh” doesn't exactly result in creative writing. You can get more mileage out of saying a bad comedy like Our Family Wedding isn't funny vs. a movie where you're either indifferent or bored out of your skull. But, if I'm gonna review a Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel, I wanna review one that's actually special to me as it was the one that got me into the franchise in the first place. Yep, I'm reviewing the one that introduced me to Leatherface.

Too bad that was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation.

Yep, the one that got me into the franchise was the one that pushed Leatherface farther into showing his feminine side on the grounds of this...

Ok, ok, that's only part of the reason. The movie was written and directed by the original movie's co-writer, Kim Henkel and his idea was that, because Leatherface had no identity of his own, he took the persona of whoever's skin he was wearing. That's fine and good...except the original movie wrote him with the idea that, because of no identity, Leatherface took the role of who he THOUGHT would fit whatever job he had to do/skin he had to wear. That's the reason that when he's slaughtering people for food, he's in the skin of a male butcher, but when he's cleaning house and bringing out food, he has a woman's skin for maid work.

In away, that's more scary as he doesn't even have a baseline for his own identity thanks to how his family raised him. Throw in some moments where he's scared of his own family, and you have a somewhat sympathetic villain that has remained an icon for decades. However, there's one other factor...namely the first movie was lightning in a bottle.

Conditions were PERFECT for the original movie: A low to near no budget, one of the hottest summers on record for the entire state of Texas, filming conditions so bad that one of the cast members, who served in Vietnam, said it was worse than when he served in Vietnam, and everything coming together resulting in every look of grim, dirt, sweat, blood, and tears coming together naturally...because they did come together naturally. Not even kidding, filming got so frustrated that Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, got mad that he actually cut the finger of Marlyn Burns on a prop. Even the clothing's grime was natural because that's all they had to wear on set during, as I said before, one of the hottest heatwaves on record.

While I think most cast members would be thankful for what I'm about to say...and I wouldn't blame them...you can never catch a situation like that for a horror movie ever again. It's like horror movies set in New York now Vs. horror movies set in New York under Ed Kotch, there's an amount of grime and atmosphere that ads more missing.

But, Tobe Hooper would try again thanks to Cannon Films. Hooper was signed for a three picture deal under the following rule: Make the two you wanna make, give us Texas Chainsaw Massacare 2. The end result compared to the original was...

...uh...more Gremlins 2 than Gremlins, let's just say. Then came Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, where by all accounts (Haven't seen it), the trailer was more memorable than the movie...

...for obvious reasons. And that leads us to here, The Next Generation, the last sequel in the original timeline before Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes started their reboot series, then came the sequel boot to the original series, then it's sequel, then the current sequel boot to the original on Netflix. Oh, and yes, this is the one where the OTHER infamous thing about this is that it started Mathew McConengheh and Rene Zellwegger...and their agent at the time tried to get this stopped because it was thought to be embarrassing.

So...the agent was ok with one in this...

And the other in this...

...but Leatherface in drag was too much. Why, yes, I found this on the air when HBO catered to the insane insomniac, why?

So, the movie opens with text and narration like the original, with the narrator saying that while the events of 1973 happened...

...kinda...more on that later...

...the events of TCM 2 and Leatherface: TCM 3 were just “Two minor, yet apparently related incidents.” So, yes, unlike the new one, the other two movies kinda sorta maybe 100% probably uncertainly definitely not somewhat happened. Glad we cleared that up. After the credits that mention the two actors that wish this wasn't on their resume, and a title card change thanks to marketing (Originally, this was called The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre until it bombed at the box office), we jump to a teenager, Jenny (Renee Zellweger), putting on make up and getting her prom dress on while we hear a family dispute in the background.

Yeah...I'll touch on that later...and yeah...it's gonna hurt...

We don't have time to explore 100% what's going on, we want you to feel like you're watching a TCM movie, so we jump right into the shots for prom just so we can have the flashbulb sound effect for pander---I mean “a homage.” We then jump to prom where we see things like a guy peeing in the parking lot, a drunk teacher welcoming kids and saying he hates them, and a teacher trying to be also the local gossip...for high school couples complete with a classmate of somebody freaking out over it.

Between this and the Netflix movie, I'm starting to wonder if the people who work on one of these movies are just mad at teenagers and this is stress relief.

It turns out Heather (Lisa Marie Newmyer) is looking for her boyfriend, even asking Jenny and her boyfriend, Sean (John Harrison) if they saw him. Sure enough, she finds her boyfriend, Barry (Tyler Cone) making out with somebody not her. So, her reasonable solution? Steal a car that's not her's! Yes, possession is 9/10th's of the law, but he broke her heart! He manages to get in and tries to bullshit that if guys don't make out, they get cancer...only to get called out on it by Jenny and Sean, who were making out in the backseat when Heather decided to start her life of crime!

They had to say something, do you not know how important make out time is!? Crime is seriously killing the mood!

Of course, this leads to our braindonors to get lost...complete with Heather saying it'd be awesome if they all died and somebody wrote a song about it...

Ok, for the record, if somebody writes a country song about me, I'll not only haunt you for eternity, but rig your bank account to invest in NFTs.

...leading to them taking a detour and crashing into some rando who came out in the fog. But don't worry, he's fi---

*THUD*

...he is currently a heap of meat bag KO'd on the road. This causes our brain trust to come to the conclusion that one of 'em, Sean, staying behind to keep an eye on the meat bag while the rest go and find help, a plan that can't possibli go wrong. After an ADR asks if anybody's gonna come with Jenny, Barry and Heather get a flashlight and follow and find an insurance office owned by a woman named Darla (Tonie Perensky), who acts like a moth in headlights when she sees the teens in their prom get up.

I guess prom night means insurance rates...?

She calls for a tow from somebody she knows, Vilmer, and then makes a note on how nice and firm her fake boobs are.

...what!? The movie said it, not me!

Yes, because you always think of things like breast implants when you think TCM, right? Yeah, thanks, but no thanks, I'll save it for when I complain about the Rob Zombie horror movie. Though she's right about them not being bad, though...

How do I know this? She flashes rowdy neighbors driving by in front of the kids. That'll show 'em!

We jump back to the scene and see Vilmer (Matthew McConaughey at his most pre-fame McConaughey) pull up in his Illuminati Wrecking truck...

That twitch in the back of your neck reading that followed by the urge of hitting your head on something? Normal reaction.

...as he goes to the crash victim and says the boy's dead. Well, considering I can't even find a Wikipedia spot for his character, maybe his career is, but he---

*CRACK*

NOW he's dead as Vilmer snaps his neck and starts to play around with his next pray, Sean. He even stops to shoot the breeze with the guy as Sean asks what he can do to stop this. One with an IQ above “Cow tipping should be an Olympic sport” would think to run into an area of the woods that's nothing but trees...but Sean has an IQ that says he thinks cow tipping should be an Olympic sport, as he winds up behind the truck and thus gets crushed by Vilmer.

I'd say he went into the light...except his IMDB page says it was Guiding Light, soooooooooo...

After Heather and Barry get separated from Jenny, Heather goes back on the whole “What if we die” thing...boy, first time I see a 90's goth in pink...and both Barry and Heather talk about how it's perfectly ok to live life by the Pina Colada song where you just grin and bare it...complete with implications of Jenny's new dad liking his new daughter's body....

*SIGH*

You know what all the original needed to build up the tension? The mystery of the grandfather's grave and the characters natural reactions to the long drive in the summer heat. It made them people, it made us worry about them, it made us root for the final girl at the end. Here? We have idiots and have to think about child molestation...and yes, that's gonna be a factor into something later that it really really REALLY shouldn't.

The two eventually stumble into the Sawye---

Yeah, I'm gonna one-two-skip a few with this because of how stupid it is...and why I made the remark that the other two movies kinda sorta maybe ok 100% probably didn't definitely really happened...

In this movie, Leatherface's family are no longer the Sawyer family...they're the SLAUGHTER family.

Yes, this is supposed to be the same family from the original movie, despite the name change and few other things that'll pop up. I don't know why the Slaughter change, but this is one of the many reasons fans, myself included, prefer to think The Next Generation happens in an alternate universe, hence why I said the disclaimer at the start said the other movies “Kinda sorta didn't 100% definitely happened.”

On top of the title being originally The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, that is.

While Barry stumbles on to some dude with a shotgun, W.E. Slaughter (Joe Stevens), we finally see Leatherface (Robert Jacks) and...yeah...he looks like one of those Mankind costumes Party City asylumed to avoid copyright but look close enough to be one...with good reason as this won't be his main one. More on that later.

After Leatherface...who this movie will call Leather...yeah, all I can think of is because it hip for the kids...

Hey, my generation came from the era where everything was Turbo, Super, Max, or EXTREAM, brains weren't our strong points.

...Barry outsmarts W.E. and locks him outside of the house while Barry searches for Heather...until he finds a bathroom as we have the pee scene. Truly, this makes the movie. He then sees a dead body in the tub, runs, only to find Leather and a blow to the skull. After that, Leather celebrates by putting Heather on a meathook.

It's the simple things, really.

We go back to Jenny and see Vilmer caught up with her and forces her into the tow truck when she keeps asking where her boyfriend is. This leads to him talking about riding with strangers and...yeah, basically, if you saw the “I'm the big bad wolf” scene in Cape Fear, half the creep factor and up the ham. Eventually, he forces her to look behind his window and sees on the tow truck hook both the bodies of the driver and her boyfriend, dangling.

Insert joke about Repo: The Genetic Opera here.

She actually shows she's smart enough to run into the woods...only not to be THAT smart, as Jenny runs in the open part for awhile until she figures out to run in the part with all the trees so the truck doesn't go through, causing Vilmer to drive away since...well...giant ass tow trucks don't do that well in the woods. However, it turns out Leatherface learned SOMETHING from his time at New Line as he teleports like Jason Vorhees right into the woods and starts going nuts with the chainsaw. Naturally, this causes her to run into the Slaughter house...

Yes. That hurt to type.

...as she tries to get away. Of course, she fails (Otherwise, it'd be a short movie...damn it...) and winds up in the greenhouse on the property...and the chase to start all over again.

Forget calling The Bugs Bunny Road Runner Movie originally The Chase Movie, it'd fit this.

She winds up running back to the office where Darla tries to comfort her...only for W.E. to pop up and reveal that she is with the Slaughter family. Jenny resists, of course, leading W.E. to get out the cattle prod from...nowhere.

Knowing this family, 3 guesses.

And zaps her...then beats her with it...

Chop Top picking at the metal plate this ain't.

...and stuffs her in the trunk while Darla tells him to tell the family she's gonna get pizzas for everybody while Jenny is in the trunk. Hey, the family just murdered some teenagers, you can get hungry doing that. She manages to cause some form of trouble in time for the cops to show up as they're at the drive thru...but because one of the cops is a dude, he falls for it and she drives off. Remember, all it takes to cover up your would be murder is a great pair of legs.

She gets halfway to the Slaughter house...

UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

...when she sees...Heather in the middle of the road!? How!? Leatherface hunt her by a meat hook! She doesn't even have a hole in her back! I know this was only $600,000, but I've seen better done for less!

Seriously, the original Night of the Living Dead was $125,000!

Darla drives back to the house and tells W.E. that Heather is...somehow...still on the road as Leatherface, scared of his family, brings Jenny in. Ok, they got that part right, Leather being afraid of his family. It's one of the reasons he's viewed as a tragic villain, there's hints in most of the franchise that his family abuses him just as much as their victims, but at the same time he loves them and tries to protect them, the inner conflict is what drives his insanity.

That said, yes, they tried to do something different with the Netflix TCM and, while he is sympathetic in some spots, killing out of revenge for somebody who actually loves him makes him more like Jason Vorhees than Leatherface. And, yeah, they also tried something different with the Dunes TCM, making him as evil as the rest of his family and that was a BIG stumble. Being torn between fear and love for his family made Leatherface unpredictable, you never knew when or how he was going to strike/act so you, no matter how many times you see one of the movies, were still afraid of what he'd do next. Making him evil makes him too generic.

Then there's the route 3D took, anti-hero. Leatherface and hero, even in anti-hero form, do NOT go together. Yes, technically it's because the bad guys in the movie were the ones going after the main character, his cousin, but keep in mind it's one of those sequel-boots that took place right after the first movie, so you gotta root for the guy who killed a bunch of innocent kids because his family said so...only because the sequel-boots's bad guys went after the movie's heroine, who's his cousin.

Is it any wonder many in the horror world think the original and the second movie are the only ones to get him right? I'd say something about both because Tobe Hooper worked on 'em...except this movie has one of the original's co-writers/co-creators at the helm, so...again...lightning in a bottle.

After around of torturing both Heather and Jenny doesn't work in the family's favor, Darla tries to comfort Jenny, complete with...Jenny asking Darla for help...I'd say it's one of the movie's stupider moments, desperate or not...but then the stupidest part of the movie drops.

No, no, not Leatherface in drag, that doesn't happen yet...the reveal from Darla that the Illuminati have been behind everything since the original TCM. And I'm gonna one-two-skip-a-few again because it's later revealed to be 100% true. Yes, the Illuminati are behind everything, at least this universe's version of it, in the entire franchise.

Ok, so...haunted civil war fields in Gettysburg...so many Japanese urban legends tied to horror that you can make 2 or 3 movies out of each one...stories involving damned souls still haunting the Tower of London...scaring teenagers in a Podunk redneck white trash that ever white trashed part of Texas...

Sure, why not? Same league!

Jenny matches to snatch the shotgun from the family and threatens to shoot 'em if they tried something...causing Vilmer to...slice his chest in response...ok, so important safety tip, don't threaten the psycho. Well, it turns out the actual reason for the confidence is that he planted the gun close enough to give Jenny confidence to do something to make the insane game more...uh...insane.

More abuse supplied by Vilmer to the family members...

The fact that this looks like stuff you'd find on YouTube's Am I The Jerk or any Reddit forum about insane relatives should tell ya how well this aged.

...until Jenny, after seeing the gun wasn't indeed loaded, finds and out and jacks a car...then crashes into a tree on the property after the hood popped open. And now we come to the most infamous moment of the entire movie...Leatherface's crossdressing.

Ok, let's get this out of the way...yes, the original movie had Leatherface dress as a woman as he was cleaning the house. But here's the thing, that, as well as when he was in his butcher outfit, was more of a role, not a personality. The original concept of Leatherface was “How do I HOO-man” as his outfits in the first movie were more the ideals/stereotypes of the roles he thought of what he knew average people did. Preparing the victims on the meathooks, hitting them with the hammer, and preparing them for dinner? That's a butcher's job. Making sure the house was clean? That's a maid's job and a maid was typically a woman.

He never had a personality based on the gender of his outfits, his outfits were just what he thought he needed to put on.

But here? The minute he gets into his literal woman's skin? He starts acting like a woman and the reason isn't for what I mentioned, it's for yucks. The first TCM was made to horrify and shock. The second was made under “We already did this, let's just have fun.” The third was back to the roots, as well as the remakes and...

Well, Chainsaw 3D made him an anti-hero, so not sure how to put that other than crap.

The Next Generation was made under “LOOK HOW FAR WE'RE GOING WITH THESE INSANE PEOPLE! AND LOOK HOW WE'RE MAKING THE KILLER THAT MADE OUR FRANCHISE, ARE SHOCKED OR LAUGHING!? WE'LL TAKE BOTH!”

And, yes, worse has been done before, during, and since.

We eventually get to it's version of the family dinner scene and...well, when your focused more on shocking over the top vs. shocking via atmosphere, there's really no comparison. Even the Platinum Dunes remake got how we're supposed to feel during this moment right when it got to it, here it's just too over the top and the result is we're not scared, we're just wondering what the Hell we're watching...but not in the way we're supposed to be in a TCM franchise.

And, yes, this includes 3 bodies that look like they're dead because first movie.

It turns out Leatherface is ready for a more youthful skinsuit and Jenny was selected. Not sure how a new skin helps the Illuminati out, but this causes her to finally stand up to Vilmer, who...hits his family in response...which causes the old man to...get up with the knife and leave. All of this causes Vilmer to try to burn Heather alive, only for Darla to put her out as somebody honks their horn to let 'em know they pulled up, revealing that, as I said earlier, the whole Illuminati thing to be 100% on the money.

The agent, Rothman (James Gale) shows up to tell the family they've gone too far and it's messing up their plans. And unless the town they're in is the Hellmouth, the spot in Riverdale where it caused magic and superpowers to be cannon on the TV show, the American entrance to the Abyss from Made in Abyss, it is never revealed why fear needs to be shown in a little barley on the map area of Texas.

Maybe that's how they make a Buc-ee's.

Said agent then licks Jenny's face then leaves, a job well done. Well...more “We're from the Government, we're here to help” than well done because Vilmer goes right into cutting himself over...whatever that was, as Leatherface goes for the chainsaw. You gotta love it when it feels like 90% of the movie is missing when you know 90% of the movie wasn't ever meant to be in it.

Jenny takes Vilmer's remote to malfunction his leg, only for Vilmer to get the spare as the two have a remote duel...

Dueling chainsaws this is not.

...which she wins and runs with Leatherface on her trail. And now comes the part where I wanna wrap this up more than this movie does. At first, it looks like it's gonna just rip off the first movie, as Jenny runs into an RV with Leatherface right behind her as the couple take her in and drive her away...until Vilmer's tow truck shows up with Leatherface on the side, causing them to knock the RV over, causing Jenny to run again. While all this is going on, a plane is flying overhead, notices the whole thing, as the pilot swoops down and takes a chunk out of Vilmer's skull.

The implication? Well, the Illuminati figured Vilmer never got the whole “Scare, no kill” message and went back for Jenny, leaving Leatherface to dance in his finest women skin and evening wear because first movie. It turns out this whole thing was done because the group wanted a “Spiritual experience” out of the whole thing.

Again, never explained why this barley on the map area of Texas was needed.

Again, I think it was really to build a Buc-ee's.

They drop her off at the hospital, Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns, credited Anonymous for...reasons...) passes by because the director wanted a passing of the torch between the two victims even though no words were said...

No, really, there is no joke in that sentence.

...and the movie ends with Leatherface dancing in the road because, again, first movie.

Which what I wish I was watching right now.

I will say this, especially compared to the new one on Netflix, it's not boring. It is crazy, it is out of control, you actually do wonder how far it's gonna go if you never saw it before, and the family and the atmosphere is completely insane and you are wondering how Jenny'll get out of it.

But it's not The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the original was lightning in a bottle.

Not only did the original come up at the right time, the filming was at the PERFECT time. The heat, the dirt, the grime, the literal blood, sweat, and tears that was put into it, it all came together at the ONLY time you could for a story like it. The unbearable Texas heat, the worst than 'Naim conditions (Seriously, one cast member who served over there said that), the frustrations that actually caused Gunther Hanson as Leatherface to cut one of his co-stars by accident, the grungy look of the film, EVERYTHING came together for a once in a lifetime horror experience.

Which is why all the sequels and remakes after were more focused on how far they could take the insanity and/or camp levels since that kind of atmosphere can never be captured again.

The Next Generation overcompensates for it big time. You're never scared or THAT disturbed, outside of the abuse, over what you see, it's not so much you covering your eyes save for one spot in between your fingers, it's you tapping your best bud on the shoulder going “DUDE, DUDE, DID YOU SEE THAT!?” while laughing. Nobody was likable outside of our heroine (A problem later repeated with Chainsaw 3D), and the main “Look what we did” attraction was done for yucks, taking one of the aspects that made original Leatherface scary, (No base personality) and made it go *POOF*.

At the very least, he picked a nice outfit to rip off the first movie's end in.

FINAL VERDICT: For an over the top mess, said mess doing this because they knew the first was lightning in a bottle, feeling like the movie was unfinished despite it was, and just not being scary, this movie gets a MEGA DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! If you want over the top fun with Leatherface, go with the second movie. If you want the lightning in a bottle, go with the first. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a bit of a conundrum, as I planned to review the Chip 'N Dale Rescue Rangers movie...only to turn out to actually like it. So, instead, I'm gonna turn to cross-generational childhoods as I start Boomer Summer Bummer with that time a guy went rabbit hunting...