The Idiot's Lantern: You Have The Right to Sing Off Key...

Note: I originally wrote a series of stupid TV moments years ago on That Guy With The Glasses and I won't deny I thought about re-reviewing this thing after the death of it's creator, Steven Bochco, but this is not to make fun of the man. This is to make fun of a series he did that was very flawed, but it doesn't take away both him being very passionate about it nor his skills that were responsible for the modern police drama as well as modern legal dramas. So please, enjoy this look as the one time a bad idea bared fruit from a smart man. Thanks.

If it wasn't for the fact that we had stuff like Hill Street Blues, there'd be no Brooklyn Nine-Nine. While you can argue what changed legal dramas first, since the debuts of L.A. Law (1986) and Law & Order (1990) were just a few years apart, but L.A. Law focused on the human element of the attorneys just as much, if not more than, as it focused on their jobs. One way or another, all modern legal and police drama, as well as comedies, that most of us have grown up on to this very day wouldn't exist without the creative mind of Steven Bochco, who wanted to look at the humans behind the badge, the people that defended the people, etc.

Unfortunately, he also decided at one point they should carry a tune, thus we were given Cop Rock.

The idea for this came when somebody had the suggestion of turning Hill Street Blues into a musical...

(Waits for the laughing to stop)

...and those plans fell through. Well, proving that any idea, even a bad one, can stick to you like glue, Bochco decided to go with it. And I'm willing to bet some of you were wondering how the heck could this idea go through, especially since I anticipated you readers laughing at the idea of a Hill Street Blues musical, right? Well, Bochco's shows gave any network he was on at the time the best ratings they ever saw, be it legal dramas like L.A. Law or medical dramedies like Doogie Howser M.D., thus giving him enough clout to...

Only say “Cop Rock” to get the okay. Yeah. No pilot, no trailer, not even a writer's bible, just the title and the minute his bosses heard the first word of it, “Cop,” they thought “Cha-ching!”

Did I mention it lasted only one season and was out before it's only year, 1990, was over?

So, just how stupid can it be if I can write about it without seeing an episode (Don't have the DVD from Shout! Factory...as of this writing anyway...) but I still feel like I can write about it? Well, for every moment of awesome that's this...

You have moments like this...

For things like a powerful opening like “Under the Gun...”

You have...whatever this is supposed to be...

Oh, and if you're wondering if the ladies get their own “Bumpy” song, well for every moment that shows the girls ready to kick some ass...

You get this...

To top it all off, one of the main overacing plots was about baby kidnapping...yeah, try to process that with half the songs I showed you, throwing in with it an entire song about how you should think of the local sleaze ball “Baby broker” as your new best friend. It's kinda easy to see why with all of that it lasted only one season, but they actually went out with a bang with the entire cast actually singing the final song, complete with the fat lady singing because, get it?

Bochco would go on to create other successful dramas such as NYPD Blue, and whenever he or the cast of this show are interviewed, they have nothing but praise for the show, saying it's some of the most fun they ever had so there's that at least. Top it all off, some of the show's fans say that the camp value makes it more fun, and some of the songs that I looked up for this were pretty catchy...

I SAID SOME!

For awhile, VH1, A&E, and currently defunct network Trio actually aired this show, and most of them promoted all the eps as “Stupid fun,” something that, via the camp value I mentioned, the fans agree with. If you guys liked this article enough, I'll get my hands on the DVD from Shout! Factory and review the episodes proper, but if you wanna see this thing for yourself, Shout! released it a couple of years ago on DVD, so chances are you can still get a copy.

Just remember, it's a “Bumpity Bump bump” ride.

...I'm...sorry...

B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned: The Flintstones No. 2 (Spoilers)

Last year, I reviewed one of the comics from DC's Hanna Barbara Beyond line, The Flintstones. Long story short, it was an unsubtle mess that included things like going to a UFC event right after a war meeting that had a vet suffer horrible flashbacks to an event that still haunts them to this day, a message about how “civilization is bad, m'kay,” and so on.

Well, since I had a good time reviewing it...

Not so much reading it.

...and you people love seeing me in pain...

Seriously, you people love seeing me in so much pain.

This Spring, starting with this review, I'm doing monthly reviews of the next five issues (2-6) of The Flintstones in what I'm calling B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned. A look at the rest of the first half of the comic that is ether a great commentary on modern society...or as subtle as a brick to the head.

Yeah, you can guess where it falls with me.

Now, before we start, I wanna make this clear: This isn't a case of “MY CHILDHOOD...”

Ok, SOME of it isn't.

...this is about how a comic tries to get mature readers using a license that's usually for families. It's not that it can't be done (Hell, Archie Comics' horror line and Riverdale proves that), it's HOW they can be done. If something comes off as bashing you over the head, it doesn't matter the property or how it's adapted, if you have a message you need to have a def touch, do it in a way that makes the reader draw his/her own conclusions. If you force the message, you wind up insulting the viewer on the grounds of “Who you callin' stupid!?”

A good example of something as subtle as a brick is the anti-Margret Thature ep of Doctor Who, The Happiness Patrol, where the main villianess has Thature's mannerisms, quotes, but a HUGE lust for power and urge to control everybody's free will. The end result is less a show telling you why somebody like Thature is bad for the country and more a show yelling at you that the woman is so nuts that she'll sick candy robots on you.

Not kidding.

So, what does something like The Flintstones No. 2 have in terms of social commentary and satire? TV, materialism, and religion. And if you're groaning at the two out of three, you know where this is going...and I'm so sorry.

So, the comic opens with a middle school aged Bam Bam getting threatened to be punched “In the beef...”

...you wanna tenderize his stakes?

...by a bully...until he lifts the bully and shows him off to Betty and Barney like he's a trophy, but like most parents, they tell him that it's nice and all but he's blocking their stories as the Rubbles have one of the first ever TVs. Fred thinks its a wall demon until Betty points out what it is, and I gotta say, I love how the TV is presented here. It's gray like the rest of the stones and broad casts in black and white, the end result being the “It's like moving pictures” phrase taken to the next level as it looks just like that, moving cave pictures. And the satire actually kicks off with a bang, as the newscaster is not only new, with the rest of his crew, to TV, but is actually shocked that kids are watching a violent image and apologizes on the grounds that it's their first day.

So, how do they screw it up?

By having the next story be about “Crap.” No, not that kind, the kind you buy but you don't need, spelled out as such by the news, complete with an interview with a guy that has tons of junk in his hands saying “I love my crap.”

Yeah, but he's got nothing on this guy.

So then the Flintstones head to the mall to buy, what else, crap they don't need. This includes a TV for themselves, a bird with a lot of teeth as a can opener, and a goat for weed eating, leading to (Admittedly) a funny bit where Fred says he bought a weed whacker prompting Wilma to ask “What's a weed?”

So, how do they screw that up?

Right after that, we go to a record store with some hint that it's playing rap music about rump shaking, causing Wilma to freak out and plug a middle school aged Pebbles ears right before leaving to go home and play with their crap, including weed eating and putting the living goat in the garage right after Fred's done.

And yes, this will hurt for future issues. And yes, you can probably guess the symbolism already.

Well, that part's done, time to satire religion! The Flintstones head to church to worship Morp, the God from the first issue the UFC fighter thanked. It turns out Morp is a bird that helped guided the first tribes across land and to water when needed, so naturally the priest of the church comes to one conclusion...

MORP IS THE RECORD PLAYER HE SAW AT THE MALL!

Yes, in a way that the comic shouts “GET IT” to the reader, their God is now their record player and thus tells those at the church that what's about to come out is the word of Morp...and that record is the rap that freaked Wilma out at the store, causing everybody to decide they're over religion.

If you're waiting for me to make the obvious joke of buying the wrong item, keep that in mind...it will hurt later.

While the girls go out shopping after church, Fred decides to go to his local VFW (The Water Buffalos for those that missed the first issue/didn't read the review) and laments to Barney that he feels like he can't afford everything but wants to make sure he can, causing one of his soldier buddies to hear and con the two into selling pep pills, which they agree to with at least Fred thinking things will be easy from now on.

The next day, the Flintstones head back to church, to which the priest decided “Ok, Morp's kinda not God” and pulls out a tiny elephant named Peaches and declares it the new God. When somebody asks what Peaches want, the priest replies “Uh, to have a good time” causing everybody to be happy...except the other priest who remarks that the answer was so stupid, he might as well join the Unitarians...

Wait, there's more than one faith in Bedrock?

Anyway, the Flintstones then go to Bone Depot...

Ha, ha, ha.

...to return their lizard garbage disposal only to be told it had to be recycled just before getting a bag of assorted...meats...

Ok, how many of you parents blindly bought this comic for your little one had to explain somethings?

They explore the store, but then the Flintstones find the store has their own Peaches. Several of 'em. See, turns out the mini elephant the church wanted people to worship as God...was a vacuum cleaner.

OW! OW! UNSUBTLE THUD HURT ME! OW!

The only saving grace with this bit is that it's hinted, via one of the preachers yelling the good things the church does like meals on wheels and that it's giving people meaning that this wasn't a money making scheme, that it was a way to unite people and make them feel something other than wanting to bash each other over the head. It's different, I'll give it that, on the grounds that most of the time, the joke is that the church behind it are like Oral Roberts or Joel Osteen, in it for the money and fame vs. making a difference.

But it still doesn't change the fact that in an issue that's shouting at you “MATERALISM IS BAD, M'KAY,” that the first two Gods they went to were a record player and a vacuum.

Despite all the positive things the church was doing, the people leave en-mass and cause the two preachers to think about who to make God when most of the animals are used for labor...

We'll get to that in a future issue...oog...

...and they just decide to make God invisible, calling him Gerald because they never got to the naming yet.

I dunno, he looks like a “Bob” or a “Jerry” to me.

While all this is going on, Fred and Barney sell those pills mentioned earlier, with Barney using his son's strength as BS to get people to buy and Fred going door to door, able to sell one to a hippie family...on the grounds they were looking for something to drop before taking a bath. Seeing he was only getting paid in one small pebble, Fred smashes the guy's desk and walks away in disgust.

I would've held out for clams, myself.

Eventually, a dejected Fred comes home and tells Wilma what's going on. Wilma then tells Fred that all the crap around them doesn't mean anything, that it's human contact she loves the most and whatever Fred wants to get rid of, he can because, hey, things are things.

Awwwwwwwwwww, that's sweet and touching and really drives home why the Flintstones are among the best pop culture family/couples out there.

So, how do they screw it up?

Well, future issues wind up showing the animals that make up the appliances as the sentient beings they were in the cartoon, but since humans can't understand them, they just use them and thus the comic makes said animals a slave allegory...

Oh, we'll get to that in the future.

...so let what Wilma said, and the “Assorted Meats” gag, really sink in.

As for the screw up within the issue? Fred takes most of the crap back...

Yes, calling the appliances “Crap” also applies to the whole slavery allegory in a future issue, let that sink in too.

...but finds, due to one of them being damaged, he can only get some of it back in store credit and must spend it in the store. The issue then ends with Fred seeing, in a cage due to being a discontinued line and about to be recycled, Dino and taking him on the grounds that he does nothing.

And yes, the other appliances, because of the slave allegory, will view Dino as an “Uncle Tom.” I already anticipating that review to be one of the hardest and most shirt tugging to write for obvious reasons.

Issue 2 gets the ball rolling better on what type of book The Flintstones will be for the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line and...it's a mix bag that swings mostly negative to me.

The main problem I have with the issue is that it wants to tell these jokes about the modern age and all it's issues, and at first it comes off good that way but then it has to take that one extra step that yanks it out of being subtle and starts whaling you over the head with it. After we see the news operate under “It's my first day” and just flat out calling all the junk people by Crap, the comic mixes religion into it's anti-materialism message the minute it made Morp into a record player...then just continued it by making the new God, Peaches, into a vacuum cleaner.

There were some unique ideas, I like that Fred and Barney aren't morons, I love how the TV, via the image being black and white, looks like the same stone color as the houses and taking the phrase “Like moving pictures” to a new level, the church actually coming up with Gods and such to make people good, and I thought Wilma asking what a weed was after Fred buying the goat was funny.

But, again, if you're gonna have a message on how focusing on having the next new thing is bad or hook your materialism satire into your religious satire, you need to do it gently. If they took out the religious stuff and just had the name “Crap” be the end result of the town just wondering what to name all the stuff they bought and it caught on in a positive way, it'd be fine. This at least does the wasteful spending satire ok, but linking it with religious satire is both a step too far and causes the reader to lose focus on what the comic is trying to say overall.

Bottom line is that while I can see why this comic has it's fans, there's too many moments where I could hear the issue yell “GET IT!? GET IT!? GET IT!?” for me to enjoy it.

And the shouting is only gonna get louder, folks.

FINAL VERDICT: For not knowing when to pull back, to flat out not knowing when to stop, this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Just because the Vertigo formula works on most kids properties, doesn't mean it works on ALL kids properties. Now, if you'll excuse me, my folks just got back from returning the dishwasher and decided suddenly we're having a backyard B...B...Q...is it too late to go vegan?