IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!
IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!
IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!
IT'S ONLY A MOVIE!
I know I said I'd do the sequel to Mama Mia, Mama Mia: Here We Go Again, but I got a new laptop and all of my progress is on the old one AND I had to return the DVD. And since I'm in no hurry to rent a romantic musical comedy centered around a mix of other ABBA romance songs WITH their divorce songs...
Gee, I wonder why I'm in no hurry.
...I'll have to put it on the back burner. Why? Because as Cats showed me, while making a romance musical around divorce songs is crazy, making a half CGI musical based on a play by a man some people already call crazy with the attitude of “Damn kids and their Donkey Kongs” when it comes to tech is just plan NUTS!
A bit of background for those not in the know: In 1981, Andrew Lloyd Webber gave the world the Broadway smash known as Cats, based on a collection of poems by T.S. Elliot (Old Possum's Book Of Practical Cats). The story is simple enough, a bunch of cats try to get approval by their leader to get a new life as a reward in a mix of symbolism of reincarnation and the Bible. You would think this would be fine enough for a movie, as we sometimes get movies that are centered around somebody finding their big break and get a new life that also serve as a character study so we can root for our hero/heroes, with the results sometimes being a hit...
or miss...
...or miss...
...or...ok, maybe it's NOT that easy.
BUT when you adapt a play by a man many regard as crazy...
Seriously, google “Phantom of the Opera Sequel.” I'll wait until you either pick up your jaw or get your sanity back.
...you go for the guy that directed the movie version of the Broadway version of the book Les Miserable, Tom Hooper! Yes, the man who turned one of the greatest plays of all time into a movie that was viewed by fans as...okay. BUT you're also trying to get people who haven't seen the play in, and for those like me who saw Les Miserable without seeing the play, the movie was...okay.
Yeah...not a good sign when the only thing those who saw the original play and those who only know the book/Liam Nison movie/never saw the play can agree it's “Okay.” And it gets worse from there...
See, the main reason people thought Hooper would be a good fit was because of Le Mis, but that movie was full of mostly practical effects, so he was mostly in control of the action. The makers of this movie decided it was gonna be half CGI with sets...
We'll get to THAT little nugget in a minute.
...so that way, they can make it as much of a fantasy as possible while still set in what it THINKS is the real world.
Again, we'll get to THAT.
And the problem? Hooper directed the CGI laden movie with the attitude of “Damn kids and their Donkey Kongs,” forcing a HUGE chunk of pressure on the CG studio and their artists to the point where not only did the work suffer, but the movie was was crunched 'n rushed to Universal mere HOURS before it premiered...unfinished and broken.
In short?
Actually, one of the things that happened was that the code that was supposed to tell the part of the CGI that the actors was on the ground was either wrong or not there, because a few shots showed them HOVERING ABOVE THE GROUND! To say fans thought it made the already bad movie even MORE hilarious was an understatement, and Universal ordered the live update ASAP.
The problem is that the live update didn't exactly fix things, as there's some shots where you can see the actor's feet just STRUGGLING to stay on the ground, like if both the ground AND the feet were pointed north on two magnets, one of each. And there's a whole bunch of other messes, but if I mention everything here, I won't have much to mention in the review because this thing...oh my God, this thing...
So, the movie opens on a full moon as the camera pans down to show off the outside of the theater where this'll take place at one point, The Egyptian...
And already some of you who saw the play are tilting your head...justly so.
I saw clips of the play when I was a kid, plus friends who have seen it, AND pop culture has me remembering that the original play was set in a junkyard with a very minimalist set of nothing but...uh...junk. This allowed the audience to think they're watching cat sized...uh...cats when the actors in the cat suits came out and did their music and exposition numbers.
But the theater isn't gonna be the only problem. Trust me, we WILL talk about it.
Anyway, we then see an unidentified human toss a cat out into the streets of an alley...somewhere...yeah, we find out what it is eventually, but that'll take awhile. Anywho, the cat in the bag comes out, revealing our lead Victoria (Fancesca Hayward), leading to the first song: “Jellicle Songs For Jellicle Cats.” It's a good number...but there's one thing that's very distracting...and it's through out the film. Namely...the set design...
This is supposed to be from the POV of cats, and the junkyard minimalist set of the original play allows that to work. But when you not only do it for a big screen movie, but actually move the play AWAY from the junkyard, you have to do a good job scaling the sets to fit...and either we humans are 80 feet tall, or cats are the size of our pinkies.
I got $5 says this is actually in the universe of the old TV show, Land of the Giants, who's with me?
Also, I'm gonna one two skip a few, because this movie doesn't tell you where it is until much later, the new setting is 1930's London. And based on pop culture, pictures of history, AND the general feeling...this don't look or feel like any London I've seen. And no, it's not because I've never been, I never would've even if I been there, since it's in the 30's. This looks more like if you told somebody who watched nothing but anime to describe what their 1930's version of London would look like from a cat's perspective.
Would actually explain why humans are 80 feet tall...or cats are the size of your pinkie.
After the song, Victoria goes to the...graveyard in the alley? How many people in 1930's London were so cheap, they just put 'em in the alley? I get if you keep your dead uncle that the smell will be awful, but there has to be SOME dignity for a few pounds.
This all leads to a brief number on how Cats have 3 names and...we'll never hear the other two, as this was made to narra---
Oop, went back to the play, let me try again.
...we'll never hear the other two, as this was made to introduce Victoria's possible love interest, Munkustrap (Robert Fairchild) and, after a really impressive dance number, a reprise of “Jellicle Cats” where...THEY'RE STILL HOVERING!?
This movie couldn't even get a live update, that's at war with the source code, finished!?
Is that why I can see Nikeys on some of 'em!? That's not a design choice!?
Considering they're wearing fur coats on top of their fur, can you blame me for wondering!?
Well, after that reprise, we're introduced to Mr. Mistoffelees (Laurie Davidson) and I know what you're thinking, and no. What you are thinking doesn't happen with his name. Oh, there is symbolism for The Devil and Hell, both come later...and both will hurt like the dickens. After his song to introduce himself, we then go on a tour for canidates for this resurrection/rebirth thing, starting with Jennyanydots (Rebel Wilson), and...
Alright...let's talk about Rebel Wilson.
For me, Wilson is one of those comedians who hit or misses...or misses...or misses...
Nine times out of ten, it's usually the material she's given vs. her actual talent. She's very good and funny...it's just that...most of the time the stuff she's given...isn't. For every JoJo Rabbit, there's a Pain & Gain; for every Pitch Perfect, there's a Night at the Museum: Secret of the Smithsonian. It all depends on the movie...and this didn't help, as she's given painful dance numbers and spots, including where she...spreads 'em...
...do I go with a “Fans converted to furies” joke or a “This only got it's rating due to no holes” joke?
Jennyanydots reveals that she wants to win the award because she's bored in her kitchen the size of a small country...
Because the average human is the size of Godzilla.
...and shows that she's used her time...training mice to sing and cockroaches to dance to please the person in charge of giving new life? I think I missed that part on soul assignments in the Soul trailer. Maybe there's a passage in the Bible that says God loves a pest song and dance.
Again, the symbolism is coming...and it's gonna hurt.
As the number that leads 'em into the streets, right outside of a milk bar...
Oh please, oh please, oh please let Alex and his droogs save us...
...we meet the next cat up for resurrection, complete with song explaining why, Rum Tum Tugger (Jason Derulo). And no, don't ask me about this song, it keeps getting interrupted by unfunny Rebel Wilson shtick. Again, this movie didn't do her any favors. Also, more moments where either the cats hover or the source code is fighting with the update to them to just stay on the ground...complete with the shots of some of 'em in their Converse...and bad cat puns like “Milking it.”
Please tell me Webber wasn't this bad.
And the size issues kick in again, as the Milk Bar's patrons have to be 8 stories high for them to sit. Well, that's enough talking about cats who deserve to get reborn for just living the high life, let's talk about a cat who did horrible things, regrets them, and wants a second chance to get it right...but won't get it because she dd horrible things, regrets them, and the second chance should only come to those who've been living the high life.
It's in the Bible somewhere, one of the Johns I think. Again, the symbolism is gonna hurt.
Thus we are introduced to Grizbella, The Glamour Cat, played by Jenifer Hudson. And while they have to make her MUCH younger to play the disgraced cat...
Yeah, she hits it right out of the park.
In a really rare good moment for this movie, Hudson nails not only the nails the tragic mannerisms and afflictions for the character through the effects, but also was PERFECT to sing her song. You really feel for her when she appears, not just through the performances which includes what I think is legit crying, but the song number itself. It describes a woman, or cat in this case, that made the wrong choices in life and regrets doing them in her later years, wishing she could make up for them, if not fix it out right.
Oh, but that's not a just reason for resurrection! No, no, no, it's hating that you live in a kitchen of giants or getting sick of getting all the milk and ladies that earn you a second life!
Say...how about we ruin the good will we built up with Hudson's performance with...say...an annoying James Corden as Bustopher Jones? Too bad, we get an annoying James Corden as Bustopher Jones.
And from both Jenny and Jones (Through Jones's song), we find out that Jones wants to get a new life to...get fat again as he wants to come back as a skinny cat to regain the weight he has in his current life! Such a noble reason! Well, we get a brief break from the song...and our first crack at religious symbolism, as Idris Elba chews up the scenery as the movie's Satan, Macavity.
And...guys, I'm just gonna say it...Idris Elba as Satan should've been better than we got. All he does is abduct cats to win by default, puts them in a symbol for Hell (We'll get to that), and convinces 3 cats to sing his villain song...which the movie turns from a “Why he's evil” to an “OMG, EVIL IS AWESOME” song. You would think Elba as a symbol for the Devil would be right up there with Al Pachino's time as Satan, as Elba is an AWESOME actor and loves to work no matter what he's in.
Here? He just wants to see how many teeth marks he can leave behind.
After banishing Jenny to what'll serve as Hell, we go back to Buster's song...and see, much with Mistoffeless, instead of CGIng some holes for the cat ears, the effects team let's the ears glitch through the hats. I'm not gonna knock this group, they're the ones that remade Sonic for Sonic The Hedgehog, so I know what kind of job they can do. I am gonna knock both Universal AND Hooper for both wanting to rush this thing out and having the attitude of “You kids and your 'Effekes' and Donkey Kongs” during directing.
Sometime after Buster's 90's crotch gag...yes, really...we get hints that Mistoffeless and Victoria are...a thing...ok...as Macavity tempts Jones into jumping into a trash bin full of tossed out food, only for it to be a portal to what'll be Hell.
Again, we'll get to that. I recommend a helmet for when we do, 'cause it's REALLY gonna hurt.
Victoria then encounters the twins, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer (Danny Collins and Naoimh Morgan) a pair of...cat...burglars...wait what? Uh...how does that work in a world where they're supposed to be normal cats full of humans? And, no, this isn't the case of “Oh, cats just take things,” the lyrics to their song includes references to making excuses for cops.
I'm used to bad story telling not making up it's mind, not whole worlds.
Well, after a musical number that, again, shows that we humans are either the size of Godzilla or cats are the size of pinkies (Seriously, was the set designer on something?), Mistoffelees comes in to save the day when the twins leave Victoria to be the victim of a dog we never see as he magically pulls a bone from his hat and gives it to the dog. After a moment where the movie begs us to buy their relationship...of...hours...at the most...we finally do see this movie's version of Hell...a barge on the River Thames.
...wait, what?
No, no, this movie can't be this stupid, let me try that last part again.
*AHEM*
We finally do see this movie's version of Hell...a barge on the River Thames.
...wait, what?
Ok...why is the River Thames Hell? If it's “Cats hate water” that's a stretch movie, and I saw that episode of Taz-Mania where they successfully did a whole “Taz Hate Water” running gag for 15 minutes. God, I wish I was watching Taz-Mania right now. Anyway, Macavity pops up and tells everybody---
No, seriously, why is the river Hell!? What mystical properties does it have to BE Hell!? How does being on a barge in the River Thames mean Hell!? Is it a river Stix thing, 'cause that's a whole bag of worms of idiot symbolism 101 right there! We never get this explanation and they really don't do anything with the symbolism, it's only Hell because Macavity is the Devil in this thing and he drops people off!
CONTEXT, MOVIE! USE IT!
Anyway, Macvity pops up and tells the two he's captured that he's putting them out of the way so he can get the resurrection reward himself. Yep, Satan is tired of ruling Hell and wants one more chance despite being, ya know, Satan. Watch, next you'll tell me that the Egyptian theater is called that because of some very loose ties to life and death and it's Egypt themed because of cats and their ties to Egypt.
…
I just set up the bowling pins for my own pain, didn't I?
He then goes to leave 'em on the boat, with Growltiger (Ray Winstone) in charge. I looked it up, btw, the barge is supposed to be his home and, in some performances of the play, he's a pirate. There is NO symbolism for Hell in this, so again...
WHY IS THE RIVER THAMES HELL!?
Back to the London streets, and...oop, looks like we got a love triangle between Victoria, Mistoffelees, and Munkustrap...And now we break into song about Old Deuteronomy.
…
I blinked, what happened?
No, seriously, that's the love triangle. Time to talk more about the resurrection and introduce Old Deuteronomy (Judi Dench) who decides who gets to get a new life!
PICK ME! PICK ME! IT MEANS I DON'T HAVE TO SIT THROUGH THIS THING!
I'll say this, Judi Dench was a brilliant choice as, not only was she in one of the performances, but she does her role perfectly. You feel the legend around her being true and buy the authority that comes with it thanks to her performance and knowledge of the original play and everybody's motivations, especially her own.
That said, it's time to break out into another song about how these cats are being judged for resurrection, complete with the moon beaming an Egyptian eye into the hall, leading to...uh...well...
Except...not really... I will admit, it's the weirdest set up for one this side of Eyes Wide Shut, but all they really do is stick their fur and tails up then start to dance. Because, apparently, you can't be judged for resurrection if you don't know ballroom. But then it breaks into syth music as Grizbella is noticed and everybody gets mad that she found her way in, causing her to run out before they could do anything.
Yeah, this is just for people who train mice to sing and wanna get fatter to get new lives, get out of here with your...seeking “Redemption” and “Forgiveness.”
And with that, the music continues...with this weird sound effect that makes me wonder if the servers have crashed...a question I have to ask since we saw somebody's Converses earlier. Remember, this is the patched version, folks. Anyway, once it stops, Victoria goes out to talk to Grizbella, leading into the original song made for Oscar Bait...
I mean, SOMETHING THAT WAS NATURALLY THOUGHT UP FOR THE MOVIE, YES SIR...
...“Beautiful Ghosts” about how horrible Grizbella feels for all that she's done and her fall from grace. And...for Oscar bait, pun not intended, this hit all the right notes. Hudson, again, knocks it out of the park with both her natural singing ability and her acting, making you feel not only sorry for where her character is, but to actually root that she gets the resurrection reward for all the right reasons. Hayward also does great with her part of the song, as you feel the same emotion and heartache for both her story and Grizbella's.
It's odd, because for every moment where the set up hits a home run, there's several that makes you wonder what the heck the people working on this thing were on. Hell, this even holds true for right after the song, as Deuteronomy sings a song that says more or less 'Oh yeah, this should be about who is deserving...'
...then goes right back to it being a talent show.
*CRACK* GAH! MY NECK! THE WHIPLASH TO GO BACK, OW!
We go to Mistoffelees, who meets...apparently...one of his idols, Gus The Theatrical Cat (Ian McClellan) and...this...makes the world a bit confusing...
It'll pop up again in a future song, but the way Gus sings about his life and why he wants another chance, it kinda implies that...yeah, Cats are the dominate species with regular jobs and do things like us humans with no humans around, thanks to...well...no humans being around. I'm guessing, due to not seeing the original play, you're just supposed to think that he's just a cat that was in plays or kept the theater rat free, but thanks to moving it out of the junkyard...yeah, when you hear the lyrics, you're left wondering how this world works.
It's one thing to direct a historical play with very little fantasy elements, but when your project is an adaptation of an urban fantasy? Yeah, you gotta remember what made the world work in the original. It was a lot easier for Hooper to do Les Mis because it was a historical piece, not just a musical. Elements were grounded in reality, no CGI to wait on for his vision to work, and it was in a real world setting. Cats? Not so much and he got REALLY impatient with the CGI to the point where he was constantly driving 'em just as bad, or even worse, as developers in crunch time on a game, hence why a studio that did such a good job redesigning Sonic The Hedgehog for the movie after that disaster reveal had so many bugs and errors. It wasn't their fault, he kept banging the drum shouting “HARDER, FASTER” like they were prisoners on a row boat.
Of course, after the performance, Macavity shows up with his continued plan of winning via the Homer Simpson way...
...and takes him to the river. This leads to the next performance, Skimbleshanks The Railway Cat (Steven McRae). It's a pretty catchy and fun song with some great dancing...but then the movie has to remind me what I'm watching, as the set transforms into a train station made for Godzilla that is constantly fighting with the actors in the foreground because, again, the source code to finish the effect wasn't complete.
And there's the shoes again...except they're supposed TO be there now? Skimbleshanks, I get, it's part of his dance number...but everybody else? I've been seeing everyone's Nikeys and Sketchers pop up as the movie goes on, so forgive me if I'm wondering if they're supposed to stay in. I'll give the sequence this, the transition between the imagination of the railway and the real theater was smooth, especially done seamlessly towards the end of the song...except sometime right before that, the size thing kicks in again as now, everybody's heads now reach, or a few inches over, the train's beds.
I'm starting to think the director was confused and thought London was Lilliput and the humans were the giants on the neighboring island.
And, once again, Macavity pulls his tricks and have Skimbleshanks sent to the river while he finishes. This leads to...yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
So...adaptations usually change things around to match the medium they're in. Sometimes, the changes make sense from a pacing standpoint, sometimes it's because the medium they're adapted to would make the original outcome just not possible.
And sometimes...they make absolute no freakin' sense. Case in point, Bombalurina (Taylor Swift) is now a servant for Macavity, along with the twins, and they're flooding the stage with catnip as she sings why Macavity is awesome...by using his own song, which was supposed to be a “This is a bad dude, he's horrible” introduction.
But, because it's Taylor Swift, and...to get both the fury fans and the people watching questioning why they're turned on, I guess...they turn it into this sleazy sexy “Evil is hot” song complete with Swift shaking all over the place...making me wonder if I'm a fur---
MOVING ON! MOVING ON!
Also, yeah, the catnip, like in all hackney stories about cats, gets everybody stoned out of their gored...while controlling them and making everybody dance to Mcavity's song...ok...
So, yeah, after that trip (Ha, ha, ha), Mcavity tries his default scheme...but Deuteronomy doesn't buy it and tells him to go screw himself, as she says she goes after a cat with plenty of soul.
But not anybody with regrets seeking redemption, we have standards.
This ticks the Satan expy off and he takes her to Thames, where she sees everybody else he's captured along the way. And if you're wondering if this is where we get the whole reason why the river is Hell...nope. No mystical stuff, no Hell fire, not even evil things that can be labeled demons. No, we the viewer have to call this Hell because...cats hate water, I guess.
Ok, you're not Fury Road, movie, you're gonna have to explain what is it about either the boat OR the river that makes it magic enough to be a Hell expy.
After saying no, again, Macavity forces Deuteronomy to walk the plank as we go back to the Egyptian as everybody's come down and realized what happened. This leads to Victoria suggesting that Mistoffelees can teleport Deuteronomy back because she saw him...make prop lightning strike during Gus's performance.
No, I'm not joking, Mistoffelees's magic was making fake plastic lightning strike! OOOOH! That means he can teleport things according to par for the stupid! Well, it takes him a few tries...and a few repeats of his song...but he eventually does it. Macavity doesn't take it well and teleports back while everybody else finally fights their way out of the boat...complete with a “Don't mess with a cat lady” joke...
Well, enough about that, let's get back to the whole “We can't give the one cat that wants to make up for her mistakes” subplot, BECAUSE THAT HASN'T DRAGGED! Victoria invites Grizbella in to plead her case, despite everybody else not wanting her to be there...
Reincarnation for redemption reasons, HA!
...as she sings why she deserves one more go at life. Naturally, her being Jenifer Hudson, Grizbella knocks it out of the park and wins the right to reincarnate...which means ride on a hot air balloon into the sky?
I missed that part of The Bible.
Macvity tries one more time with his most brilliant attempt yet...try to grab on the balloon, fall, land on a statue, and cry like a Looney Tunes villain.
I missed that part of Paradise Lost.
And, FINALLY, this thing comes to an end with the cats watching Grizbella go up to her new life as Deuteronomy turns to the audience and reminds us that cats aren't dogs and not to forget what we learned?
Uh...hi...uh...when was I part of the story? When were humans part of the story? Can we get a new story, as in the actual play!? Not even kidding, Andrew Lloyd Webber would've liked the actual play to have been the story, too. He couldn't disown this thing fast enough.
And when the guy that said “Sequel” to Phantom Of the Opera thinks your story went off the rails, you went WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY off the rails.
I never saw the play, but almost everybody I know who has said the same thing: This was not how the original play went, they tried to add in plot elements that weren't there, and things that were put in because “Adaptation” were just wrong, wrong, wrong.
As somebody's who never saw the play, this movie is wrong, wrong, wrong. Blink and you'll miss it love triangles, effects that were rushed because the director kept yelling at the team to hurry up for his vision, source code for said effects STILL missing after a live update that included converting everybody's shoes into paws or, Hell, everybody's feat to just BE on the ground, and the source code that was there FIGHTING the update's code in spots to where it looked like both the feet AND the ground were magnetic north, and a story where the original reward of reincarnation was given for the most selfish of reasons to a stupid talent show kinda made it hard for me to care, even at the end when the one cat who wanted to use the reincarnation as redemption got it.
There is a movie version of the original Broadway play that was edited together to be on the big screen. Other than that, it's just the Broadway play through and through, so if you wanna see what made Cats last so long, go for that. If you wanna see something that stopped Universal dead in it's tracks, the 2019 movie is for y---
AW, DAMN IT! WHO'S GOT THE PATCH!?
FINAL VERDICT: From this being a mess as both a story AND a visual one, wasting good actors, being abusive to an effects company that did their best, AND being painful from the word “Adapt,” this movie gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! For some, it's the new Plan 9; for others, it's the new Plan 9. Now, if you'll excuse me, this took a lot out of me, so I need something relaxing, something easy, something---
AW, CRAP!
