Ok, so...plans kinda suck when life kinda tells ya put the hobby on the back burner...and you can't get through an uneven parody movie that tries to say the 90's suck and that the 70's were more clean an innocent without knowing the truth and feeling like a railroad spike is going through your skull.
In the before time, I tried to do something called either “The Bummer Of Me,” which was a title spoof of MeTV's “The Summer Of Me,” or Boomer Bummer Summer with the idea that it would take summer (Not the whole summer, just various days) and look at an interesting phenomenon that happened in the 80's and 90's (Dying by the early 2000's), especially the 90's:
The Boomer Box Office.
Yes, believe it or not, back in the days of your parents (Or you if you're one) being kids, THEIR parents' childhood was adapted so Hollywood can squeeze out $5 per ticket and theaters can get a ton of popcorn just so they can recapture for 2 hours what took three or more seasons. Results...
...varied.
Yeah, the general idea going in with most of these things, especially the sitcoms, were that they were gonna be lovab---respec---fun---verb we have yet to list parody. Sometimes, it was hit out of the park, be it The Beverly Hillbillies focusing more on fish out of water than even the TV show, but keeping the family loving and nice, or a A Very Brady Sequel, which actually WAS a loving parody of the original Nick At Nite generation. No, I didn't skip the original movie, the original movie felt like a railroad spike to the skull.
Most of the time, though, was miss. It wasn't just comedies that got the parody treatment, but man did they hurt. You guys saw the two trailers I posted, imagine 2 hours of your boomer parent (Or you if reading) going into a theater to see their childhood, only to spend it finding new ways to say “This isn't funny.” Action and drama got this treatment, too, like Charlie's Angels, where the running bit was “LOOK HOW HOT THESE WOMEN ARE!”
I mean, yeah, the network wasn't shy about that being the reason it was a ratings grabber, but they also showed the women could actually do what most men were doing in the same time spot. And since that's what got people, both boomers AND the next generation into the theaters, guess what was doubled down on? If you said the action, intrigued, and the possible mystery that one of 'em is Charlie's own daughter...
Hi, welcome to Hollywood.
So, I tried to do this with The Brady Bunch Movie...again, spike through skull, so that was a no. I couldn't find a copy of The Beverly Hillbillies, so that was a no go. So I decided something to ease both you and myself in, a movie that was basically for those my age the START of the Boomer Box Office craze, or at least the earliest I can remember, something I actually did enjoy, but had it's own share of problems that can be looked at and talked about.
Kinda puts some of the later ones in perspective if Dragnet is considered one of the easier ones, don't it?
Yeah, it maybe too late to do it as a WHOLE summer thing, but I'm gonna kick it off for later times (Or just go with “The Bummer Of Me” and hope people get the pun outside of summer) with what some might consider one of the better boomer adaptations. It did well at the box office, got praise from both Siskel & Ebert, AND was written by both Dan Aykroyd AND Alan Zweibel, both who worked together during the “Not Ready For Prime Time” era of Saturday Night Live to make it a loving tribute AND parody of the original show.
For those not in the know, Dragnet started as a radio play created by Jack Webb with the idea that it would show how the boys in the LAPD cleaned up the streets. When TVs were popping up, he moved the media to television, complete with a couple of movies that came out for both fans and newcomers, and became one of the landmark cop dramas in history. If you ever heard phrases like “My name's Friday, I carry a badge” or “Just the facts, ma'am,” it came from here (Ok, the facts line was from a parody, but still it's linked to the show). The cops loved it so much, they even backed up and praised it, even having an advisor on set.
Yes, once upon a time, the LAPD was actually trusted and not what it is today. History's weird.
Considering there's multiple versions, including one in the 2000's that stared Ed O'Neil (You laugh, but he does drama just as good as comedy), can an 80's version wor---
...let's just look at it.
So the movie opens with Joe Friday's nephew...Joe Friday (Dan Aykroyd) doing a parody of the “This is the city” narration, showing things like landmarks, churches, punks, and we get the traditional theme song associated with the show. So far, so good. It then goes to a more traditional opening, showing Friday's badge and doing a pretty decent party version of the original theme song with quotes from the original.
Ok, gets a bit obnoxious when it goes into “just the fact---j-j-j-j...” but it's not bad...then we get to the brick joke.
A narrator tells us that this is based on a true story...though not really since this is a parody, but it was in the show, so...anyway, said narrator says names and such have been changed to protect the innocent, saying, for example, “George Baker” is now called “Silvia Wiss.” Pay attention, it comes back later.
We jump to a group of people, lead by a giant of a man named Muzz (Jack O'Halloran) setting fire to a shipment of Playboy knock offs known as “Bait,” complete with telling a security guard to tell his boss that the publisher's out of business...after knocking him out so he won't hear it anyway. Or maybe it comes out “He said...you're...soft...on taxes?” when he wakes up. He then also leaves a card that reads P.A.G.A.N.
And if you think THAT'S subtle, wait until we meet the villain.
We then jump to Friday narrating part of his day, namely that while methods have changed, crime has not as we see a newspaper showing...the image of the knocked out guard still on the cement? Really? NOBODY moved him to the hospital? The EMTs actually told the papers “Ok, guys, 10 more minutes or he'll be brain dead, no flash?”
Capt. Gannon (Harry Morgan) informs Friday that his partner quit and opened up a goat farm, causing Friday to complain that his partner isn't thinking about the people of L.A., thus it's time to get a new partner. Enter Pep Streebeck (Tom Hanks) so fresh from undercover, you can smell the wino from the guy he bunked with in the alley. I'll get this out of the way now, they get the whole “This guy, ugh” out of the way early.
Yeah, in most movies, that's the bulk of the plot, but this gets done within the first act. They still snap at each other, but trust each other a LOT sooner than later.
How do they screw this up?
Well, the main joke is that the original Friday was this stuff shirt narc that would sooner lecture a kid on pot than turn him in...and STILL give the lecture even after turning him in, so what we got here is a self righteous rant on why going slow ON THE L.A. HIGHWAY would actually save gas for the L.A. tax payer. THIS is what goes on for the majority of the movie. I'd say “God help us all,” but you're gonna find out how much of a pun that becomes given the villain.
The first part of the case takes the two to the zoo, where we get a bit of good banter between Friday, who loves the Zoo, and Streebeck, who views it more as a prison. This is one of the best scenes of the movie as it shows Hanks and Aykroyd's chemistry very well, and has one of my favorite jokes in the whole movie.
It's kind of an interesting dynamic, Friday's in what people think of when they think Dragnet, while Streebeck is in a modern cop movie.
Streebeck and Friday get the orders to investigate the guy who's making the porno mags to see why this P.E.G.A.N. group would wanna burn an entire warehouse down (After a joke mistaking them for vibrator repair with Friday having a great delivery), with Friday clearly pissed that the rag, ran by Jerry Caesar (Danby Colby) is able to put such stuff out. Remember, he's a parody of the original show so...yeah, he's the one in the family that really wants the 50's back.
As he gives his statement, including the P.E.G.A.N. manifesto they dropped off, we run into Silvia Wiss...and we have the brick joke that doesn't exactly hold up by today's standards.
See...the implication is they did a gender swap, the whole “Names and faces have been changed” thing...which means Friday is on a hateful tirade...on a gay porno mag...I'm not sure this was on purpose as this was more to have the joke when Wiss (Julia Jennings) was to flash Friday and be subtle on the whole “Frisk me” thing and Friday not getting it...kinda (Again, Friday's reaction is HILARIOUS), but, the rest? Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...
After we see people steal the guys' car because Streebeck left the keys in (And getting a new one), Friday and Streebeck are called to the train station as a ton of chemicals from a tank in the train yard were siphoned out of said tank. Hope it was sophisticated, or that dude with the pipe is having a really good high. We also see a moment where Friday and Streeback see the local televangelist, Rev. Whirley (Christopher Plumer) and he's interviewing the commissioner, Kirkpatrick (Elizabeth Ashley). If you already knew where this was going, you've not only seen it before with other movies, but grew up in the era where these guys grew like weeds.
For those born after or too young to remember, Televangelism was the evolution of hearing church on the radio, only now a wider group with a visual medium could be reach. But for every one that legit tried to save your soul and help people, you had AT LEAST FIVE who wanted your money for coked up yacht party with their mistress (Or cabin boy depending on who got busted). Hell, the movement he's using for a cover is called the Moral Advanced Movement of America.
Yep. MAMA. Oh, and when you hear what P.E.G.A.N. means, you're REALLY gonna miss when it was subtle.
The team then gets called to a motel when the landlady reveals that the Muzz went off with a wedding dress of her's and tossed Muzz's stuff in the trash, including possible evidence, due to him being a tenant behind on rent...also, the dress thing. They catch up to the garbage truck with it and find a photo with a number, revealing Muzz is actually Jerry's driver and is at the docs, waiting for his boss to get off his personal yacht.
They find him, and Buzz high tails it (After running over Friday's foot) and Friday and Streebeck argue over calling backup or not...while Muzz is driving on the parts of the docks people use to walk. Our heroes, everybody! Eventually, they all crash into a lifeguard tower on a nearby beach...and this is enough to actually make Friday and Streebeck get the whole “Hate you thing” gone.
See? All you need to do to break in the new partner is to help nearly cause mass accidents and hit and runs, it's a good icebreaker.
However, there's also a bit of a hint that this version of Friday is not that innocent, as when Friday heads out to get Streebeck some coffee, he hears Muzz in pain...moments after a scene that implies Streebeck smashed his junk with a desk drawer. Remember, the LAPD was happy with how the original show represented them. Streebeck manages to get SOME things out of Muzz, but he refuses when Joe comes back to say anything else...until the implication that when he goes out for snacks, it's the drawer again.
I've looked on Wikipedia and TV Tropes, I can only find that the cops backed the TV show, even giving Friday a real badge and retiring the number, 714, when Webb died. The main reason cops backed the original show is that it made 'em look good, even in moments that would've resulted in things like a police chase or dealing with a bad cop (Mainly because bad cops got punished). Here, our heroes are bickering, violate the whole “Get back up” because one of 'em wanted the collar, condescending to the people he's supposed to protect, AND implies that beyond that, he's BETTER than the people he's supposed to protect.
I get that the people who worked on this thing were fans of the show, especially Aykroyd, but I suspect there's a reason I can't find anything about police supervising this thing beyond “Universal paid enough money for permission.”
Friday and Streebeck go to get some undercover gear once they get more info to make 'em look like punks...namely Friday looks like a giant chicken with more flair than a 90's TGI Fridays, and Streebeck looks like he just stepped out of a drama where the son of the Italian family wants to be a dancer and mama is ashamed.
Their original plan was to go to where Muzz said the ceremony was gonna be and it looks like their cover was gonna be blown by the highway patrol...until the two fake cops fall for the disguises and our heroes confirm that the car said fake cops were driving is on the list of stolen cars. What? Alter or hide the numbers on the car so nobody can trace it back? Nuts to that, we got a party written by people who think this is how punks party to go to!
It all leads up to the reveal of P.E.G.A.N means. People Against Goodness And Normalcy. Get it? I'm sure it was because Being Against Decency Growing Up YuppieS would've been too subtle.
Hey, if they're not gonna try, why should I?
It's eventually revealed by their leader that this was all to offer up a virgin sacrifice, The Virgin Connie Swail (Alexandrea Paul), along with all the stuff that's been stolen from the zoo and the dress Muzz stole. We already know who the villain is thanks to both time and...well, by this...uh...time, televangelists were fair game, so I don't think I'm spoiling when I say...dear God, it's obvious that Plumer had fun with this!
Friday and Streebeck dive in only to find the sacrifice was made to feed the giant snake that was taken from the zoo. And...yeah, this is where I think the budget had to go hold it as it's kind obvious that Hanks, Aykryod, and Paul had to pull a “Look like the starship bridge is shaking” as they actually have to move THEMSELVES to make it look like the snake is attacking. Guess all the money had to go to them Fords...despite the fact that they probably had to keep 'em moving even more than the snake.
*RIMSHOT*
Streebeck's solution? Get the drugs he took from some P.E.G.A.N. earlier and OD'd the thing. They all get out, only to be blocked by a bunch of P.E.G.A.N.s...until Streebeck starts shooting into the air, scaring everybody. This is when, of course, thanks to Swail knocking off the mask, it's revealed that Whirly is the leader before he runs away. They get out, even retaking their original car, with hints that Swail is falling for Friday...much to Streebeck's (And the audience's) amazement. They drop her off at home...mainly because if they take her right to the station, we can't get the following without a huge plot hole.
Well...a bigger one than “Leave victim with no protection, she'll be fine,” anyway.
Namely, they wake up Capt. Gannon and tell him what happened...but because the plot said they had to get rid of The Virgin Connie Swail so Gannon wouldn't believe their story since she's a witness AND the victim...Captain Gannon doesn't believe their story because they showed up without The Virgin Connie Swail, a witness AND the victim. They get Kirkpatrick...but see that they were to able SOMEHOW clear out stuff in a manner of hours that should've taken at least two days to do it.
Unless stuff like the Jumbo-tron and the Time Square TV screen were made of Legos, then never mind.
Because of this, Friday and Streeback were kicked off the case, complete with Gannon reaming Friday for everything that's happened, even saying Joe would NOT approve.
Well, Joe didn't really say “Just
the facts, ma'am,” so....
No, seriously, that was done in a parody that SOMEHOW got merged with the actual franchise.
So, you would think the P.E.G.A.N. group would leave well enough alone with Friday and Streebeck off the case...except Muzz decided to blow up the car, thus putting them back ON THE CASE! The only other time I'd see somebody over complicate their job this bad is when The Final Destination says Death Home Alones the job on purpose. Streebeck tells Friday that the chemicals taken is linked to a lab his old team in narcotics was trying to bust, thus Friday goes to meet him there...only to be mugged by three hoodlums...only for them to get their ass kicked BY Friday.
Don't mess with the Christian Science Reading Room, man!
Well, turns out Streebeck was late because somebody had to get the LAPD BATTERING RAM TANK to break in and knock everything over...only to find it's all milk. And...yeah, let's be honest, can't make a joke here considering what most modern police have these days. Though, I admit, having “Have a Nice Day” on the ram part is still funny.
After the two leave, they miss that the milk company actually WAS a front for a chemical plant, but better than hiding it. On the way back, Streebeck watches via his watch TV (Which actually WAS a real product around the time), namely the commissioner and Whirly are trying to push the current mayor out,..and that the comish has a crush on the reverend. It's hear that it's revealed that Jerry has decided to actually donate to MAMA's charity and they accept. Hey, if Oral Roberts can say a dog track can donate...after saying God'll break his thumbs...
Streebeck wants to know more about Friday, but Friday tells him to blow off...so Streebeck takes his bike to follow him to a perfectly normal house...that he thinks is the Freddy Kruger house...
I know Tom Hanks did comedy once...just where is it?
Only to reveal it's the home of Friday's grandma (Lenka Peterson) and...Friday is back to hating Streebeck as Friday's grandma invites them to their outing, ignoring the obvious “I don't want you here” looks Friday gives Streebeck.
Talking down to the people you were sworn to protect, both you and the suspect putting people at risk in a car chase, having the boss not believe you despite the fact you have a witness/victim that you don't ask, destroying a business on the word of somebody who wanted a $20 with a battering ram the department spent tax payer money on, a partner that doesn't get “Off the clock, personal space,” I bet the LAPD LOVED how the 1987 version of a classic portrayed 'em just like they did with the original! I'm sure there's a whole 'nother reason I can't find anything that says cops supported or had anybody supervising on set! Surely!
Well, just as Friday relaxes and let's the party be a party, the commissioner and Whirly show up and The Virgin Connie Swail recognizes him from when she yoinked off his P.A.G.A.N. mask. Friday, actually doing his job, goes to arrest him on the grounds that The Virgin Connie Swail will identify him in a court of law. Streebeck, also being a cop due to Whirly's standing in the city (And with the commissioner) warns Friday you just can't go and do that in a public place...so Friday goes to arrest the guy in a public place...uh, after the guy uses the rest room and Friday makes a big speech out of it, of course.
Ah, but he doesn't let the reverend wash his hands, take THAT criminals!
Well, it turns out not only was the padre out with the commissioner, but Gannon as well and they just spotted Friday yoinking the guy off in cuffs. This causes Friday to get fired by the commissioner while Gannon...
And I need to remind you guys, the victim/witness, The Virgin Connie Swail is right there for him to ask thus putting both the commissioner AND Whirly on the spot.
...just let's it happen. Boy, I can't wait to see what LAPD higher ups in 1987 praised what a good job they did representing the boss! The priest and commissioner drive off, and you would think this would be a good time for Gannon to talk to The Virgin Connie Swail to confirm the story of not only one of the best detectives in his precinct, but the nephew of his long time trusted partner that was inspired by said partner.
NOPE! Turn in badge, gun, and ream him for doing his job! God, I really can't wait to find the glowing praise the LAPD had for this thing!
Date not completely ruined, while Streebeck takes grandma for chilly dogs, Friday takes The Virgin Connie Swail up to the Hollywood sign for shenanigans....
Considering this is a parody of Joe Friday, my guess is his position is The Plank.
...when Muzz shows up and flips the Yugo upside down. With Friday literally out of the picture for this bit, the narration gets taken over by Streebek. Concluding that Friday wouldn't spring for a No-tel Motel and having sex in a Yugo is impossible...
Ok, that's funny.
...he goes to Gannon with his concerns...and Gannon doesn't care. Yes, the nephew of your best partner and late best friend is missing AND a former detective...and you can care less! Man, I REALLY bet the LAPD loved how this treated 'em like they did the original! We then see Jerry and Whirly meet, confirming they're in this for the money; namely after they force the current mayor out and put the commissioner in, they'll split control between the horn dogs (Jerry) and those that wanna fund the new mans---I mean “Crusade” (Whirly).
Considering real life televangelists did things from implying God'll break their thumbs (Then taking money from the dog track) to doing blow on the back of their secretaries/pool boys/mistresses off their boats...yeah, this guy's kinda tame.
Oop, take that back, just confirmed with the commissioner he's gonna kill him. Ok, he made that one extra step.
Back in the LAPD offices, Streebeck figures out Muzz's picture from earlier is from Muscle Beach as he goes to it and catches him weight lifting...while pointing a gun at Muzz's face while Muzz is lifting said weights to ask about Friday.
And now pointing guns at unarmed men out in public in front of witnesses, surely the cops REALLY LOVED THIS MOVIE.
Apparently, it takes the entire day to go from Muscle Beach to Griffith Observatory, as it's suddenly the middle of the night and Whirly pops up to Friday and Connie, who are tied up to gloat. Wait, isn't that a tourist area? What happened? Was there a tour that popped up and said “And to your right, hostages of the local televangelists?”
Whirly takes The Virgin Connie Swail and leaves Friday to die just as soon as Streebeck pulls in. He frees Friday and they go to Caesar's palace...
Ha, ha, ha.
..only for Streebeck to try to calm him down, reminding Friday that he's not a cop anymore and to just call him Pep since they're buddies. He sneaks in (While Friday fumes) and sees the P.A.G.A.N.s have the gas they stole hooked up and ready to go, so he knocks out the guy in the communications truck and calls Gannon who looks like he's about to blow a gas---
ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND we jump back to the mansion! Yeah...if you were waiting for a pay off to the whole driving him nuts thing...I guess it got cut...
Muzz and the other goons (With Pep in disguise) return the magazines they stole earlier and Whirly, leaving for his private jet, helps gets the fire started as said magazines were covered in gasoline. Thankfully, the cops show up a minute later and starts a shoot out that has them on even footing...until the battering ram tank shows up and knocks down the gates! The bad guys' solution...shoot the heavily armored tank with the battering ram.
*SMASH*
Yeah, if that didn't work on Godzilla...
The tank drives over the burning books, knocks out the thugs, and reveals none other than an armed Joe Friday behind the wheel! Now the LAPD is letting civilians pilot their heaviest toys, love that representation! Friday rescuse Streebeck from Muzz, even calling him Pep, with Gannon saying the two did a great job with this raid...where a CIVILIAN HAD THE TANK! Oh, and Pep raps the Miranda Rights to Muzz.
Eh, not gonna be the last time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbQqHpQyngw
If you ever said to yourself Joe Vs. The Volcano should've been a rap battle, I'm glad I put that idea to rest.
But before Friday and Pep can get The Virgin Connie Swail from Whirly, Gannon gives Friday his badge back saying he didn't have the heart to turn it in. I guess retcons work for the law now, huh? Because the whole “Being in love” thing is both new AND giving Friday a rush, he recklessly drives down the road to try to race to the airport before Whirly can get away! Hey, the LAPD should at least be happy with this! After all, he left the siren on!
Meanwhile, the commissioner wins the idiot of the movie award as she tries to convince Whirly to let the Virgin Connie Swail go...only to have the Reverend himself disbelieving she's a dumb ass as he shuts the door to the plane and takes off with Swail inside. So, yeah, all that driving Friday did was pointless as the plane takes off and it appears Whirly wins...
...until later that morning, when Friday shows up in the AUTHORIZED BUT DOES NOT REALLY EXIST BECAUSE THE LEGAL NIGHTMARES LAPD TALON! Yeah, either LA is way bigger than anybody thought, boarders are VERY generous when it comes to other states' cops, districts are just arbitrary, or this was just here for gags. Either way, since a private jet is armed with jack and squat, Whirly lands and Friday gets the girl
We then, like the show, hear the fate of Whirly: He is to serve 43 consecutive 99 year sentences.
Meaning he'll be up to be out in 7.
Boy, I'm sure the legal system loved being just as represented as the LAPD did!
The movie ends with Pep and Friday back on the beat and the pay off to the whole Virgi---well, watch.
Yeah, there's a reason I joined in with repeating the gag, that punchline is still funny. Just...I wish the rest of this movie was just as.
Ok, let's get this out of the way: Yes, this was done in a loving way to the original franchise. Everybody who worked on this thing loved the original show and the man behind it, Jack Webb, and this was all done in good jest. I've seen movies where the parody was a middle finger to the original property or pulled a “Look, we think it's stupid too, but still love it” uneven writing and this doesn't have that problem.
The writing of the movie itself on the other hand...
It makes sense if Friday was the parody of what came before and Streebeck was the parody of where the cop genre was heading at the time. When you factor in characters like Riggs in Lethal Weapon, Streebeck being the parody of a modern cop movie character makes sense while Friday's parody of the originator does to. The problem, if you can't tell from the jabs I'm taking in that I couldn't find one thing that said the cops love this, is that this makes for watching bad cops...under the Dragnet banner.
If either of these to did anything, at least at the time, like they did here in real life, their badges would've been forfeit long ago. Talking down to civilians, public destruction, POINTING A GUN AT AN UNARMED MAN YOU HAVE YET TO CHARGE OR SEE IF HE IS DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, and so on. The original Dragnet was made to counter this so, parody or not, seeing cops doing everything from risking lives to torture under the name doesn't exactly make for compelling viewing.
Then there's the gags themselves. A few of them were funny, but most of them fell flatter than Friday's delivery. Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd were considered to be the top of their games in the comedy department around this time, but...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbQqHpQyngw
...yeah...
Maybe if this was just a straight up 50's parody or a straight up modern version of Dragnet, it would've worked. Hanks would a decade or so later break out into the drama department, Aykroyd would also a few years later, it probably could've worked. But...yeah, take it or leave it. While this was done with a little bit of love in their hearts, the execution was an arrestable offense.
FINAL VERDICT: For humor that falls flat, stuff I'm “SURE” the cops are proud to have here in a franchise they once sponsored, heroes that are anything but half the time, but bonus points for it being a loving tribute and having a couple of gags, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Fun to rift with, not to eat.
Now if you'll excuse me, this generation of P.E.G.A.N.s hired me through Instacart, so I gotta fill out this list. Ok, that's milk, eggs, 40 pounds of meat, and....HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET A RABBID GOAT, A BLUE TUX, AND 63 POUNDS OF... (Double checks list) MIAK? I didn't think it was even in this season.