B-Movie Bomb: Mad Magazine Presents: Up The Academy (Spoiled rotten)

Note: Because it's no longer on Netflix, and I really don't wanna rent/buy it for right now, Loaded Weapon 1 is put on the back burner until I wanna rent it...but it's such a lame duck (With a few good jokes, I'll admit), I'm not exactly in a rush to kill what's left of my brain cells...especially since I gotta review this stinkburger thanks to a bet...so, yeah, enjoy a different round of pain...sorry...

*SIGH*

In a combination to delay this pain as much as possible, AND because of the events leading to this mess...though knowing me, you can probably guess which is the greater priority...before we talk about the movie, lets...uh...talk about the movie.

Long, long ago, in the before time, there were two major satire magazines trying to get you, the reader, to laugh. National Lampoon and Mad Magazine! Both were satire magazines that made fun of various things at the time, but in different ways. Mad was more of a parody along the lines of Airplane and The Naked Gun, where as National Lampoon wasn't afraid to...uh...

...yeah...those...

At one point, National Lampoon decided to get into the movie business, resulting in classics including Animal House and the Vacation franchise...and to say Mad was...um...MAD about this is an understatement. They wanted that same movie pie Lampoon got and were gonna get it! If Animal House made all it's money by being raunchy and unapologetic, Mad would make sure their movie was even MORE raunchy and even MORE unapologetic!

Never mind that it didn't go with the style of the magazine, WE'S GOTS TO MAKE MUNEH!

Well...that's where Mad realized they bit themselves in the ass. When the movie, which had Robert Downy Sr. directing, was said and done...they HATED it! They did everything they could to withdraw from the movie as soon as possible like it had leprosy! The movie was so bad, Mad themselves, and these are the guys that LOVE to take pot shots at their own company, could only do two pages when it was time to do the parody: A page giving character and motivation...then another page that go 3 panels in before the entire staff quits.

I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING!

So, yeah, Mad did it's best to, and for a while had, remove their name from the movie...until several years after it's founder, William M. Gains, passed away and a DVD release restored both name AND footage connected to Mad.

Resulting in the mess we have right now... Mad Magazine Presents: Up The Academy!

Let's not waste anymore time...let's just peel off the band-aid and cry in misery...

So, the movie opens with a mafia guy telling he's ashamed of his son (Ralph Macchio) not getting in the family business of running brothels and casinos, so he's gonna get shipped off to military school to learn to listen!

I don't think the army drills people on how to run hookers and dice.

We then go to an African American religious family, where the dad says the academy'll get him closer to God and to say good by to his step-mom...to which Ike (Wendell Brown) and his step-mom make out...right behind the dad...and she asks him where the pot is...within the dad's earshot...then we have an implication that he's gonna beat his son if he doesn't make the plane, and---

Look, white people wrote this. That's the nicest thing I can say without problems, white people wrote this.

We then jump to an Arab family...

OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod....

...look, I'll knock this joke out all at once: The son, Hash (Tommy Citera) is being sent to the academy because he's a thief...oh God...and there's a joke about getting his mom mixed up due to women being covered in veils...then it's revealed his dad impregnated the wrong woman because of the veils...

I am 2 minutes in and I already curse life.

And...yes, Hash is looking just as pasty as Sokka and Kora from The Last Airbender, and I don't think time in the desert sun's gonna fix it!

And we then jump to a mayor's office, where his son, Oliver (Hutch Parker) reveals to his dad that he got his girlfriend pregnant and wants to do the right thing...and the mayor replies he will as it jumps to...the abortion clinic...

THREE minutes in...

And after an opening that shows Alfred E. Neuman seeing a bunch of wood soldiers getting knocked over, we jump to a Patton parody to welcome the kids that ends with a fart joke...because why not? As for the jokes when we get to the academy itself? A blind barber, a gay tailor (Tom Poston), and a church window that has three religions in it, with the Jewish section highlighted and the caption on the bottom reading “It Takes All Kinds.”

I don't know, I don't wanna know.

So of course, the kids hate each other, Hash stole some candle holders from the church...

Remember, this was written by white guys.

...and we meet their new instructor, Liceman (Ron Leibman), who proceeds to drill Oliver by saying “Mine” over and over again. So then, he mentions that he was sad he graduated the academy, happy to come back, and was happy to serve in Vietnam...and since this is a comedy, I think its safe to say the implication is he's a bit of a fascist. Sure enough, after calling Hash a racist term after spotting the candles, threatened to take his balls off. BTW, any shock that Leibman wanted his name OFF the movie?

Didn't think so.

Sometime later, Oliver writes back to Candy and it turns out, not only did Liceman read the letters both to AND from Candy, but Candy was sent to the girl's military academy not far from there, because why not? Oh, and this is all after Liceman shouts “HALT,” everybody stops, but he clears it up by saying he meant “HALT-HALT!”

...I...I just...17 minutes and my life force is gone...

Well, now it's time to get that R-rating, as Mad's own parody pointed out, as we get to the cleavage showing teacher, Bliss (Barbra Bach) showing off as many ways you can get turned on from weapons! Some where, a militia is asking for a new pair of pants.

We then hear, and even see some of, Ike's dad preaching in a stud---

I mean SUPER BIG MEGA CHURCH THAT IS IN NO WAY JUST A SMALL ONE ROOM SET!

---and Hash...bowing to oil...

I think for the first time in my life, I hate Mad Magazine.

...only in time for the gay tailor, Sisson...yes...really...demand the boys to get out of the shorts for laundry, but they refused and said they'll do it themselves much to his disappointment.

No...I'm not gonna give “It was a different time” excuse given what the people who wrote this gave us already.

Ike then writes his note, revealing that the step-mom and his dad got a divorce, lies that the soccer coach (Antonio Fargas) likes him, and calls Liceman the devil...despite that all he's done that was evil so far was tell people to repeat things, threatening one person, and reading mail...two of which I hear is typical military academy rules.

Threatening...not so much.

So, Liceman then announces that the parents day will culminate in a soccer game between the staff and the kids, and the staff never lost. After Cooch shows off his skills, he kicks off the ball to Liceman, who tosses it back to the field...and Hash catches it and tosses it to Liceman's head, which leads to ANOTHER racist tirade from Liceman...so, yeah, we're now to where he IS the devil instead of nasty instructor...and finds out about Hash...stealing...more...stuff...

I'm gonna steal from MST3K: “To any Arab, any human being, we apologize for the following scene.”

While doing toilet duty, Hash and Oliver talk because Hash wants to get a note to Candy, but doesn't want Liceman to see it. Hash then reveals he has a car nearby and they can sneak out...but shortly after this, Liceman tells him to squeal on his roommates in exchange for getting out of cleaning the toilets. Enough about that, though, we gotta meet the new guy! Enter Blut---I mean Rodney Ververgaert (Harry Teinowitz) who introduces himself by saying...he still pees in bed...because he's so mentally disturbed, he sets fires to his last bunch of schools...and yeah...that's the joke.

I hate this movie, I hate this movie, I hate this movie.

Sometime later, after a bit where Liceman confirms the new guy's a firebug, they (Save for Cooch) decide to go over the fence an get Hash's car...because Animal House did it...to drive to the girl's academy. This causes the local gas station owners, racist rednecks, to be rude to 'em and ready to kill 'em when Hash steals the gas...after they refuse to take his Bank of Arab card...and he says he “Never leaves home with out it.”

I just recap what I see, I know it's not funny.

Eventually, they do get Oliver to the girl's academy and he sees Candy is on the second floor of the dorm, leading him to look in on the other girls as he walks in. This means he sees things, like...two girls having a joust with those things you'd see years later on American Gladiators...okay...punching a heavy bag while another girl shaves...her face...

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Oliver and Candy do meet up, and they make out and catch up with news from home. Namely, Oliver's dad is in the lead in the polls thanks to his anti-abortion stance...

Ha...ha...ha...

...and Candy's family lost the store in a fire as one of her uncles was in the meat department, but don't worry, he came out medium well.

Ok...no joke, I actually did laugh at that...but that was because every other joke SUCKS.

Turns out, though, Oliver forgot his condoms...but they still go through with it...only to have one minute to spare to get back to the group, but the guards spot him! He leaves just as soon as the guards spot him, but gets out in time as the guys dodge the rednecks, who crash into the school! This causes the rednecks to...run into two girls growling like guard dogs...

I...I don't know...I just don't know...

…before assaulting the rednecks...

Oh, and this was AFTER a scene where a female cadet said she worked her balls off to be a soldier.

Factor in the face shaving and you can probably guess the big joke with this. And I'm sorry.

But it turns out they all got caught and now comes the grand military tradition of...black mail! Liceman, somehow, has pictures and will tell everybody what happened if the boys don't send Candy over to him next time, shine his shoes (Yes, he looked at Ike when he said that), and pass over the other girls to him, too. And after that moment, we jump to...more scenes to get that R rating with the ballistic boobs, then we see the guys figure out how to throw off Cooch to prevent him from squealing while they take the pictures back.

And, to think, it'd take him faking being a teenager a second time to save his career.

But it turns out Cooch WASN'T the stool pigeon, but the new guy! And Cooch was tailing him to record this...so...wait, why was Cooch leaving earlier while they were at the girl's academy? Whatever, this is the least of this movie's problems. He clears his name and everybody works together to try to stop both Liceman and Vevergaert while eating pig balls...and yes, there's a joke where Hash likes it...for the same reason two white guys wrote this.

So now the gang has a plan, which includes...3 of them leaving the academy and dressed like Hash to get what they need...and after that, we go right to the dance, where the guys are getting ready and the plan to fool the two villains is ago! And if I come off like I don't care anymore, I just want this to end, there's a good reason...

I don't care anymore, I just want this to end.

Oh, and if you want a reminder two white guys wrote this, a wild badly singing barbershop quartet appears! No...really... this is all so Ike can run into Bliss and give her some weed...as we the singing is so bad, the glass breaks, the stock footage of buildings crumble, and the film itself breaks!

Ok, THAT I wasn't expecting, so that got a laugh out of me.

And, yes, I wanna roshambo myself for it.

So, yeah, plan goes belly up as Ike is getting stoned with with Bliss...only it doesn't as he actually manages to stop Vevergaert to let the plan go after all...so...no...I don't know the point of earlier...or care...and the sting is on, as the gang, with help from Candy, tricks Liceman into crossdressing and take pictures of him in the women's underwear.

Did I mention Ron Leibman wanted his name off of this? Yeah, apparently, Zorro: The Gay Blade had more dignity.

I'M NOT GOING TO TEST THAT!

Eventually, Vevergaret goes free...but not before the pictures get taken...and it's revealed that Liceman is Vevergaret's uncle...I don't care...I'm at apathy levels with this, how much worse can this...

So, both sides at a stalemate, it's decided that whoever wins the soccer game, that side gets all the blackmail pictures from the other.

*HEADDESK**HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*

SURE! LET'S MAKE THIS AN 11TH HOUR SPORTS MOVIE!? WHY NOT!? WE HAVE NO ORIGINAL IDEAS HERE, LET'S TAKE FROM STUFF OUTSIDE OF THE MOVIE WE'RE TRYING TO BEAT! GAH, I HATE THIS MOVIE!

So, Parents Day comes...shenanigans repeated from earlier...blah, blah, soccer game about to start, blah, blah...there's just 11 minutes left and even if this thing wasn't offensive on every level to watch, there's not much substance as I'm writing as I'm watching...

I sure as Hell am NOT gonna see this ever again, not for any reason!

...and I'm only on page 6, so let's just wrap it up.

So, the game's about to start, complete with the national anthem by Sisson and a rocket launch by Hash.

I just saw the joke that's coming and now I no know math good know more.

Wait, there's 10 minutes left, how fast is this match going to be?

And, yes, Hash blew up a bridge. I. Hate. This. Movie.

So, turns out the gang were planing on stealing the pictures back all along, as they rigged the students' section to hold up the picture of Liceman, with audio from that night, causing the staff to lose. Liceman snaps and just when Hash says he can't get the pictures, and Liceman says he's gonna cost Oliver's dad the election, Ververgaert pulls a face turn because...because...

No, seriously, we don't know! All we know is he burned a picture of his uncle and...that's it. That means he's good now...I guess...

Anyway, Ververgaert arms a missile, and launches it at Liceman's bunSok, causing all the blackmail pictures he had to go boom with it. So, yeah, Liceman's career is wrecked as he makes the front page of a Michigan newspaper...which is important as it shows Oliver's dad got re-elected...ok...Oliver and Candy get to dive Oliver's new car, the guys follow along in Hash's car, and we see that trying to hitchhike is Liceman...causing the guys to high tail it and the movie...to be on repeat!?

NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Actually, the joke ends as the movie rewinds the last few seconds to put in new footage that had Alfred E. Neuman watch the whole bit...and this mercifully, thankfully, ENDS!

The only reason this had the Mad stuff put back in is because when Warner Bros. bought out the magazine, they wasted no time in putting everything back in for various releases, including syndication and cable.

No, I have no idea why ANYBODY would pay for the rights to this thing.

Mad was ashamed to have this movie attached to them and still is today for OBVIOUS reasons. The offensive jokes aren't funny, half the time are just there to BE offensive instead of funny, the rest of the gags suck save for a couple of them, and that's only because I didn't expect anything TO be funny at all, and the whole thing makes me feel horrible for watching.

But even if the raunchy stuff was toned down and the humor not as offensive or offensive at all, it would suffer for one other thing...it's as thick as paper.

I'm on page 7, writing a review of a movie as I watch...and it's 1 hour and 26 minutes long. I wrote a review for Pearl Harbor as I watched that because I knew a second time would be a slog for the length, and that was around 5 pages...something's wrong when a movie over an hour can only get so much for summary. Light on story, very little humor, one of the worst things humanity has ever made, AND embarrassed Mad Magazine to boot. If I EVER see this again under my own free will, take that as a sign that I've been kidnapped and call the police.

Or this movie made me that stupid.

FINAL VERDICT: For one of the worst thing I ever seen, for one of the worst things humanity ever made, and for something even Mad Magazine regrets, this movie gets a WORLD DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Avoid, avoid, for the love of everything holy, AVOID! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting sick and tired of this awful movies that legit get me angry. I need an easy target, one that not only I've done before, but I think I can write better than the last time I saw it...which means it's time to go to the disco floor and get your grandma's/mom's favorite band to sing to when they think they're alone...

...ok, maybe this movie DID make me that stupid...

B-Movie Bomb: California Dreaming AKA Outta Omaha (Spoilers)

I guess you can call this punishment for being behind...

Actually, that's a half truth. I actually did start on King Arthur and The Knights of the Round Table, the Asylum's knock off of Guy Richie's King Arthur, and it was...

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!

I don't just mean from a general stand point, I mean from an Asylum movie stand point. Over the years before, and since, the Asylum has put out stuff like the Sharknado movies, Android Cop (Which I admit is a guilty pleasure), and several seasons of Z-Nation, which actually succeeded as a nice light hearted alternative to The Walking Dead for those who couldn't watch Ash Vs. Evil Dead.

Which means I'm confused as Hell why they'd wanna copy The Walking Dead with Black Summer in an era where people are getting sick of The Walking Dead...

Anyways, there's only so much you can do with something so boring...and this had guns, swords, Thailand, giant...robot...alien...witch...thingie...and it was still BORING!

So...since you prefer to laugh at me in pain over me in bed...

Shut up.

I bring to you the pain known as California Dreaming, aka, Outta Omaha!

So...I bring this to people who have ether donated to a Patrion with a request reward by a fanfic author or know a fanfic author and ask the following: You ever ask 'em to write about a character's family, what they're going through during the hero's crisis in the main series/book/movie, only to find the closest thing to family they know is a combination of modern sitcoms and what they THINK a neurotic...

Oh, I mean “Driven.”

….person would do when pushed to the brink?

This is the movie version of that.

I refuse to believe any real, or sane person, no matter if they're so neurotic...

Re: “Driven.”

...they go nuts the minute the wrong coaster is put out, would do half of what I'm about to sum up, let alone the MOTIVATION that leads to this situation.

The movie comes to us courtesy of director and writer Linda Vorhees, who's other credits include Crazy from the Heart, and Two Mothers For Zachery.

Ok, some good signs, as far as the writing goes. And...Raising Genius, about a teenager who...locks himself in the bathroom and makes a math equasion based on watching the girl next door jumping on a tram...pol...oh, it can't be this stup---

...this is gonna hurt...

So, the movie opens when husband and wife Ginger (Lea Thompson) and Stu (Dave Foley, and yes, their chemistry, along with the rest of the casts, are the only good parts of the movie) go RV shopping because, as we find out later, Ginger wanted this year's family trip to be to California.

And since you're making that joke already...

There, can we move on, I'm already dead inside and all this is doing is making things smell even more rotten.

We also see a little bit of the home life...well, home life by somebody who's HEARD of a home life mixed in with what they saw in a 90's sitcom, as daughter Cookie (Lindsay Serin) just sits on her bed and complains about the uncool outfits her mom picked out for her! HILARIOUS!

Yes...the teenager complaining that her mom picked out awful outfits is supposed to be a joke. No, it is not done in a way that makes you laugh, it is not over exaggerated, and it's framed in a way where you, an actual parent who did this at least once, knows the actions because no effort is made to make it funny. No, I don't know how a real life situation done as a real life situation is comedy.

We also see Stu show his son, Milo (David Kalis), the RV and where Stu'll drive it just as Stu's mom (Melissa Ganor) and sister, Bonnie (Patricia Richardson) show up to point out how freakishly big the RV is and it's weird that the family'll be in that thing and...

Seriously, I wanna know if this character's first thought is “Is this what they call an...ERRR VEE?”

We also find out that Ginger is a hard driven real estate agent! Why, she's so hard driven, when the younger and blonder agent she trained snags a bigger deal than she has, she...tells her and her boss to go out early for lunch to celebrate...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! ANGER!

Actually, this is just an excuse for the movie to have her talk to a friend about feeling nervous about the trip. Turns out, something has her on edge but she doesn't know what, just that she wants to go to where she vacationed in California 20 years ago.

And, yes, the reason will hurt. Lots. OVER 9,000!

And if you saw this, yes, I'm aware that she's telling the friend stuff like she “Feels like somebody else got her life” and she can “Create a new history.” Those are MOTIVATIONS for going to California, but what inspired her/the thing that convinced her to go?

So, we get another snap shot of the family, further hinting for Ginger this isn't so much a family get away, as a LIFE getaway...

Remember, DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTING!

...as she refuses to not only let Stu's mom and sister join, but Cookie's boyfriend, Kevin (Nicolas Fackler) can't go, and even goes slightly nuts when Cookie says she wants her OWN vacation. Ginger even gets out the ol' postcard to convince her how good of an idea this is!

DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTING!

After one more try to convince her to go to the traditional family vacation of Nebraska, and failing...

Yeah...I don't think corn is THAT good, myself.

...it jumps to the next day as we get to sitcom cliché No. 34: Dad can't work the security! As the alarm keeps going and going and going and...

You know, all this does is make me wish I was watching the traveling segment in Moving. I wanna watch Moving. Why am I not watching Moving?

Anyway, on top of one more attempt to push what your relative with the weird figurines would call “Native Californian wear” on her daughter, the cops show up and...why am I summing it up, it's sitcom cliché No. 34, you probably know the security company just showed up at this point, so moving on.

So, they finally drive! ...and drive...and drive... and---

If I see a sign that says “Valley Lodge,” I'm leaving.

So, of course, because Ginger is neruo---

“Determined.”

She thinks the cop is treating this plan as if she's a criminal, where as we the viewer treats her as a nut. And after that...MORE DRIVING AND ARGUING! But not to worry, sitcom cliché No. 56 breaks it up: The family member secretly hides a friend! In this case, Cookie hides Kevin, causing the family to freak out and damn near kill him with a golf putter until he runs into a cornfield. This leads to Cookie and and Ginger having an argument, namely that Cookie wants to go to Nebraska, and Ginger asking why a teenager wants to go a place loaded with mullets.

…

Wait, who am I rooting for again?

They eventually take the boyfriend back to his house, which is complete with...a sign that says “Protected by the 2nd Amendment.”

Oh sweet merciful crap, here we go...

We peak inside Kevin's house and see dear ol' dad (Ethan Philips) and mom (Vicki Lewis) at their most redneck, right down to getting out the shotgun in case of those dang Jehovah's Witnesses again!

And this is where the writing is REALLY uneven.

After finding out that her boyfriend wasn't really supposed to date her because he's not allowed to...

For all I know, it's because a fear of cooties, they never say why he's not allowed to date.

...she rushes into their house and locks her in the bathroom, leading Ginger to have a conversation with Kevin's family. The whole time, she's judging them to be these drug dealing rednecks and they're calling her out on it, saying she's wrong to judge on their appearance...except it then is revealed that mom has an ankle monitor because she is a dealer...

...of knock off fashion! There, people, ya see? If you were nicer to your local redneck with the ankle monitor, you could've had a knock off purse.

And the dad DID have a shotgun at the ready...a purposely dismantled can't fired shotgun just in case somebody he SHOULDN'T shoot came to the door.

So...who's in the wrong, again? The mother thinks these people are gun happy dealers...only for them to BE gun happy dealers, but not in what she expected and RESPONSIBLE gun happy dealers.

COMEDY! *WHISTLES* HERE COMEDY! I WON'T BITE! COMEDY, COME BACK...or...start...

Eventually, they talk her into coming out and crying in the RV, but because of Cookie's antics, the rednecks convince the family to take the mom to her parole officer downtown, causing more delays and Ginger to get even more neruot---

“Determined.”

---over the schedule because she really really REALLY wants to get to California! I hope you have air bags on the stand by for the reason. Anyway, this leads, once they get there, to a fight between Ginger and Stu, causing the parolee to try to calm things down, only to lead Ginger to be more ner---insa---

“Determined.”

---about the trip. Eventually, Cookie sees a chance and runs out and calls her aunt and grandma, leading Ginger to...

...ok, yeah, I'm dropping the “Determined” gag. Why? Because she then starts to go off on an insane rant on how ungrateful Cookie is over hating the trip that nobody wanted to go on, gets pissed at the MERE IDEA that everybody is miserable, and when the in-laws show up, that her family had the NERVE to suggest they eat food! HOW DARE THEY!?

Yes, folks, we have just crossed the line into insanity...and no, the breaks do not kick in for awhile.

In fact, Ginger is still so pissed off when they're talked into driving the RV to grandma's, she goes on a rant on how her sister-in-law is perfect because she's a lawyer that married a successful guy and a widow while Ginger married somebody infere---

Uh...you are aware you're talking about your own husband TO your own husband, yes?

They catch up, only to see they possibly ran over Bonnie's dog and that leads to...the Lutheran family arguing with her, complete with Bonnie comparing it to her killing...her own mom complete...with pointing her hand to her mom's head in the form of a gun...

Ok...so...our hero---person we have met is insane...the Lutheran part of the family is super judgmental...and Bonnie just pretended to shoot her own mother to make a point...

I think the only sane person is this thing is Stu...but this movie REALLY wants us to connect with Ginger...except Ginger is frakin' NUTS! With a capital NUTS!

They take the dog to the vet only to find out it fainted. This leads to a whole sequence of idiotic events that winds up causing Ginger to actually kidnap the dog, the Christian mother to say the Ethnic vet is brainwashing Stu when he's burnt out on all of this...

The movie's doing a better job convincing me people in Omaha are NUTS than making me root for anybody outside of Stu and Cookie.

...lock said dog and Cookie with her in the RV, and how does the Lutheran Christian Bonnie respond? Refusing to apologize for her actions...

Which I don't get since both parties are insane.

...and say she'll never forgive Ginger for what she did. Anger and keeping grudges...I'm sure that's somewhere in the book...maybe one of the Lukes or Johns?

Well, finally, when Stu refuses to take a side, Ginger SNAPS...

Ha, ha, ha.

...and jacks the RV with her daughter and the dog inside, which I'm pretty sure means we've crossed from neurotic and “Determined” to off her frakin' rocker and police involvement. Eventually, after calling her boyfriend for help, Cookie manages to talk her mom down and we find out why she's doing this. Why she feels like somebody else took her life, why she really wants to go to California, why she wants her vacation and her family to be happy with a capital H-A-P-P-I! And the shocking reas---

A postcard. That's it. She saw the fake image of a California town she used to vacation in her younger days, sparked the idea that her life sucks, and wanted to recapture it in some psychotic response. And, no, there's NOTHING on the card that could possibly make this work, no last words from a dead family member or words from the last time she felt happy, it's the postcard itself and it's fake image that fueled this insane mess.

You know what movie did this whole “Broken family has to take RV trip arranged by semi-insane member” better? I don't mean “It's not as bad as this” but with actual enjoyment, component writing, and characters with ACTUAL human motivations?

RV.

Almost everything here was done MUCH better in that movie. The broken family, the redneck family that's revealed to have layers, the one that got the ball rolling (The dad in this case) for selfish reasons actually learns his lesson, and best of all?

NOBODY IS THIS FRAKIN' INSANE!

I can connect to the family in RV, the reactions they had to everything in the movie feels like actual human reactions, and even they own up to whatever mistakes they made. Here? This feels like Vorhees has REALLY horrible family issues that she's trying to get out. What else did she wri---

That...explains...so...much...

Eventually, the chaos leads to the dog escaping and now the boyfriend's family, Cookie, and Ginger have to look for the dog, this whole thing leading to Ginger snapping...

Ha, ha, ha.

Again, but this time over the idea that she had to “Settle.”

Did I mention RV actually has the family feel like they come together in a LOVING way?

Well, after being told “What's wrong with settling,” they find the dog at a park and everybody winds up meeting. And if I'm writing this with an “Ugh, do I have do continue watching this” attitude, it's only because I am. All the issues eventually come out, forcing Ginger to realize “OMG, I'M THE ASSHOLE!” when Stu finally tells her what we've all been saying: She didn't want the vacation for the family, she just wanted to go where “She was perfect” and maybe make “Him perfect.”

In short...

She's frakin' nanners, why have you people not called the men in white coats with butterfly nets yet?

Eventually, Ginger apologizes for all her actions...

Which kinda comes off more as “Well, I didn't get my way and I was read the riot act, better roll with it” moment.

...the family reunites, decides to have a stay-cation instead, complete with the cop from the security system gag showing up for the big family BBQ, Bonnie setting off the alarm...hahahaha...and me saying that I picked this over the boring Asylum movie...

SO YOU BETTER LAUGH AT MY PAIN, DAMN IT!

Look, I get what this was going for, this isn't the first “Family comes together during road trip from Hell” movie, but the thing is in most of those, there's something that makes you connect TO that focal point of the family, regardless how they are. Clark Griswald is a jack ass you can file “Lucky to have wife and kids,” yet everything from his reactions to the events around him to how far he's willing to go for his family has you actually rooting for him, even in crap like Vegas Vacation.

That's not here. The focal point, Ginger, is too stuck up to connect with and, even if you do, by the third act, she so off the rails, you're wondering why she isn't in a padded cell. The family coming together at the end, thanks to the whole “What's wrong with settling” line feels less like a loving family coming together and more like “Well, my plans failed and you made me realize I'm insane, so...hugs?”

And the tone on this thing is as uneven as the writing. This is supposed to be a family picture, so there's moments where they'll stop themselves...only to do things like give the finger or say “Bitch.” Top it all of, as I said before, the writing is uneven as one moment it condemns Ginger for being wrong in her first image of people...only to whip back around and say she was right, just not in the way she thought ala the dealer being that of knock off fashion.

If you wanna see GOOD road trips from Hell movies, there's National Lampoon's Vacation, RV, and others I can recommend. I can only recommend this road trip from Hell movie if you wanna feel like you're in Hell.

FINAL VERDICT: For not being able to connect with characters, for uneven writing that comes off as the writer/director having serious family issues, for actions that would get this NUT arrested, this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! The only good thing about this is Dave Foley and Lea Thompson's chemistry, and by God, I wish they were in a better movie! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna watch one of the National Lampoon vacation movies, because it's not like National Lampoon can make anything just as awful as California Dreaming AKA Outta Om---

...aw, crap...

Late late LATE Update

Hey guys, I know it's been six months since I posted something, but two things got in the way: Real life...and the Asylum's rip off of King Arthur...is frakin' BORING!  I'll find something new before the year's out, in the meantime, I'll get back to the Asylum movie next year.  Kinda hard to make laughter out of a snooze fest.

B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: Airplane II: The Sequel (Spoilers)

Pop quiz hot shot, a parody film you didn't expect to do well just gave your studio MILLIONS in box office bucks, so you wanna do another one from the same team ASAP, only they wind up realizing they told all the jokes already so there'd be no point. So, what do you do? What do you do?

Well, if you're the people behind Airplane II: The Sequel, you repeat most of the jokes and pray to God nobody notices.

Yeah, Airplane made a lot of money for Paramount and caused it's creative team, David and Jerry Zucker, and Jim Abrams (ZAZ), to find such success that they got approval to do a tv series that applied the same formula to police dramas, Police Squad. So, naturally, Paramount wanted to try this again in 1982 (Two years after the original) and tried to bring the ZAZ team back to do it, which they said yes...until they realized they hit lightning in a bottle the first go around and concluded all they'd do would be repetitive...

Insert jokes about The Naked Gun sequels here.

...and backed away. In fact, as of this writing, they refuse to even remotely SEE what the end result was. And I don't blame them, as it repeats almost everything from the last movie, ups the sex without taste or context half the time, and is just the same movie only IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So, the movie opens with a text crawl, parodying some movie about Waring Stars or something, when the text suddenly turns into that erotic novel you know your mom has hidden somewhere for when your dad goes on business trips...or the other way around if you have a working mom...but the spaceship at the center of it crashes into it before it can get to the...ugh, I can't believe I'm using this pun...climax.

Let this be a warning for ye who continued.

The pre-steamy info tells us that it's nearly the end of the 20th Century as mankind has colonized the moon and a prototype shuttle is ready to take on passengers ready to make a brand new life. As somebody who watches Gundam and sees colony drops half the time on ether Earth or the Moon, I'd at least bring an umbrella. We then jump to the movie proper, where it's Houston and THE (near) FUTURE, where people are boarding to go to the Moon. We see everybody's there, including a priest and a nun...with their children...oh no...and a security gate that buzzes whenever a dude goes through but dings when ever a woman does, complete with...a monitor that shows them topless regardless of wearing clothes through the terminal...

I know the ZAZ team puts sex in their stuff too, but there's usually a gag with context behind it!

Even if there wasn't, you KNEW why the gag was there. One of the warning signs during heavy turbulence in the original movie was a “No Humping” sign, and since it was made with an adult audience in mind, the “Mile High Club” pops in one's head. Just...what was the point of showing the boobs other than ti---oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

After seeing a gag where E.T. tries to use a pay phone to call home, we follow that up with a family, the Wilsons (Denis Howard as John, Marry Farrell as Alice, and Oliver Robins as Jimmy) boarding the shuttle with their dog, only to have the baggage handler say no dogs allowed and shoot him! COMEDY! Actually, the dog's fine, he only THOUGHT he was dead thanks to the reveal that the gun was blanks, leading the family to have a good laugh over it.

I'm almost 4 minutes in, and I'm already going “This *BLEEP*ing movie...”

We also have a bit where the monks who gave at the office now run their own airplane company and give a business man a ticket for the chanting section. Turns out he was buying for another business man and the two...uh...kiss before the other guy leaves and asks his lover to feed the cats...and yes...this was put in as a joke for the reason you think THEY thought it would be a joke. This *BLEEP*ing movie...

We then see Elaine (Julie Hagerty) is with a new man, Simon (Chad Everett), who says the minute they're married, all she has to focus on is making and taking care of babies. No time to make jokes about that bit, though, as we jump to the information desk and...the oldest joke in the book as the desk not only answers questions about the airport and flights, but what the fastest land animal is, and should somebody fake their orgasm.

After what felt like TOO long in the terminal (Including two bags fighting each other like dogs on leashes), we go to mission control where we hear everything from the weather and landing conditions to live AM radio and a phone operator. No, a regular one, though I wouldn't put it past them to have it originally be a sex one. At the time, kids are touring the place and one of the people who just locked controls to land for one of the shuttles had left as another station needed her. Well, this leads to one of the kids thinking it's a game, causing the shuttle to go nuts and crash land, leaving the kid angry...until he looks up and saw that he really did make it explode, causing him to have the 'I did a bad thing, walk away quietly' look.

Ok, THAT was funny.

Well, that gets screwed up as Bud Kruger (Rip Torn) and the Commissioner (John Dehner) argue over the safety of the prototype shuttle, Mayflower 1...or would be if the gag about how loud and annoying elevator muszak is wasn't blasting over that conversation. Meh, to me that's just ABBA muzak...and ABBA music...

We go back to the new couple as they give exposition, revealing that Ted Striker (Robert Hayes) is in the mental institution, the Ronald Reagan Hospital for the Mentally Ill...ugh...where they say they cure people the old fashioned way...and we jump to orderlies beating up a patient. COMEDY!

We then see stuff, including a farmer that thinks he's an accountant, and Ted's doctor (John Vernon) who gives Ted the paper, which reveals the shuttle will launch. This causes Ted to remark that his tests said the shuttle was faulty and that's why he's in there, to shut him up which causes the doctor to remark that Ted's sick, as the word sick echos in the room which the doctor...notices...

Ok...one of the things that made the original Airplane hilarious is that everybody took all the gags as normal everyday life. Some of it resulted in the movie's most memorable moments; “Don't call me Shirley,” the old white lady that spoke Jive, “It's a different kind of flying,” etc are all classic moments that are still referenced, and even used, to this very day.

Having them notice the gags is like explaining a joke, the impact is lost on the viewer.

After Ted recaps the first movie...making me wish I was watching the first movie, he says there's more but knows nobody wants to hear it. The doctor then wishes him to continue as a bunch of people shoot themselves in the head...leading Striker to react to the gag right before jumping to the shuttle in question.

Written by a moron, edited by a howler monkey.

Turns out some wire for the shuttle malfunctioned and fried, leading them to call Sarge (Chuck Connors) to take a look at it. He then calls Kruger, who orders him to patch it up and get the shuttle launch ready, causing him to remark this smells of kick back from the boys. Turns out the boys, who are actually school boys, didn't like hearing that and said “SCREW HIM.” Charming. We then jump to the hospital to see Ted escape as the spotlight...stops on the guy singing the Love Boat theme...ugh...

We then jump back to terminal, where a man (Sony Bono) is at the gift shop buying the usual. Ya know, candy, Time, the second time bomb on the right. Like ya do. And right after that, we see Ted...exit out of the Pod People truck from Invasion of the Body Snatchers...

This thing feels like a per-curser to the Movie Movies.

Ted tries to talk Elaine about the faulty equipment, but after rejecting it and him, we see none other than Peter Graves, only playing Capt. Over because his character died in the original movie. He also meets his crew, Unger (Kent McCord) and Dunn (James Watson). Long painful joke short, it was all to point out that in the war, Unger was under over and Over was under Dunn, something so bad, I'm convinced that wasn't Peter Graves in character questioning everything, that was him ether thinking “Did I do that right” or “This is our substitute for Roger and Clarence?”

Ted tries one more time to convince Elaine about the faulty design, but to no avail and to the point where even the sign says “Take your seat, schmuck.” Jump back to the cockpit of the shuttle, and it's time to taxi for launch, meaning...the fair sign is pulled down and the meter's running...

I don't know who hurts more, me for seeing it or you for reading it.

But they need more power, so its time to attach...the jumper cables to the Plymouth waiting outside... Well, that's just silly! Everybody knows you wanna jump from a Chevy.

...there's only so many times I can say “This isn't funny,” folks.

The jump worked as the shuttle launches, leading into looking in on some of the passengers, such as the bomb guy reading psycho monthly, and the priest reading an alter boy magazine...that he turns on its si---

LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY BEHIND YOU! THE NON CONTROVERSAL WOULD REALLY BE IN BAD TASTE TO COMMENT ON THIS JOKE TODAY SO I'M RIPPING OFF RADIO DEAD AIR'S JOKE INVISIBLE BUNNY!

We then go back to the Wilson family, where we hear the kid is going up front to meet the capt...yeah, you know the joke they're gonna do again, so let's just stick with the rest of the family's gag. The kid annoys the dad about living on the Moon, including saying a new start means no more news about his dad's rape trial, leading him to say disgusting things, and the kid and the wife to think it's ether the coffee or he's an asshole.

COMEDY!

Look, I'm not above dark humor, but even that needs to know when to hold it back. And I get it, the purpose of dark humor is to laugh at something you really shouldn't. But, here's the thing, most dark humor are things like a psychotic husband and wife talking about what color drapes would go in their house while killing their neighbors. Blood splatters on the neighbor's curtains and both of 'em think red would be perfect. Hell, remember Gas-s-s-s-s? It had a bit where a bunch of guys were gonna force themselves on one of the girls, but she remarked ONLY if she got her pick on who went first, thus making the joke work because the whole power thing is taken away, THEN it's followed up by the guys not being able to do anything because she bores them to tears by talking.

Dark humor can work, it's HOW the dark humor is used that makes it work.

We see other moments, like a lovely couple talk about the time the husband did acid and couldn't come down for two weeks (Funny), then Ted open a door that said “Danger, Vacuum” only to have a vacuum cleaner attack (Not funny). Ted makes a passenger bragging about her iron stomach sick when he starts to reveal the flashback about the trial that got him into the hospital in the first place...and admittedly, the only LONG funny moment of the entire movie.

In the flashback, we see the judge (Raymond Burr...ok, that was clever/funny) watch as the Prosecuting Attorney (John Larch) grills Ted in front of a jury...with a still moving jury box. To make Ted's character look good, they bring up the people he saved in the first movie starting with one of the jive talkers (Al White), complete with him not only swearing on the Bible with “Ain't no thing,” but slamming his hand on it and the clerk slamming with it back.

He then proceeds to give his testimony in jive with subs, while the stenographer (Stephen Stucker) acts like Stevie Wonder on the keys. Then comes the next witness, the hysterical woman (Lee Bryant) that everybody waited in line to slap as the participants drew more and more weapons as the line went on. Normally, this makes people wish they saw the better movie...but that flashback ends in a repeat as the defense attorney, the judge, AND the stenographer take turns slapping because she's in hysterics again just as the flashback ends, making the joke actually funny.

Then it's a member of Ted's squad on the stand (Louis Glambalvo) for the prosecution to continue to show Ted's bonkers. I'll let the bit speak for itself.

Then comes Elaine's testimony, as the jury gets turned on by how she and Ted made love, then leads to the doctor from the hospital scene saying he needs treatment, leading to the events that opened the movie, ending the flashback...where the woman is now a skeleton.

Meanwhile, the ship's computer gets fried and when they try to point it out to the computer itself, the computer says nothing's wrong but Elaine points out where she sits it's wrong...leading it to say “Cut the 'From where I'm sitting shit'” because the Red/White Zone gag from the first movie was funny.

After another bit between Elaine, we see Jimmy go into the cockpit with his dog, as Over notices the dog is a male dog and asks about Jimmy liking it when said dog humps his leg, because “Do you like movies about gladiators” was in the first movie.

After Dunn and Ungar try to fix the computer, the computer fixes them by launching them out of an airlock, causing Striker to think he's gone off the rails for real when he sees the two floating outside to some classical music. Over then tells Elaine what's going on while a waitress tells him about Dunn and Unger being sucked out of the airlock, asking “Together,” which leads to the waitress and Elaine saying it together because “It's an entirely different kind of flying” was funny. He then gets really angry when they're told they're out of coffee.

Yeah, it's a set up for the next big gag as Elaine tells the passengers what's going on. At first, the passengers are reasonable, even when asking her if she's telling everything...then she says the bit about the coffee, and everybody loses they're minds.

Well, speaking as an American...DON'T YOU DARE COME BETWEEN ME AND MY CAFFEINE, I'LL CUT YA, MAN! I'LL CUT YA REAL GOOD!

This causes all sorts of chaos, including a wrestling match, and the sign to rebel as every time Elaine says something to calm them down, the sign reads “Bullshit” or “Unbelievable Bullshit.” Hearing the end might come, leads to various confessions, including the husband and wife from last time, the acid couple, remarking that they were unfaithful to each other, him his secretary and her with his last receptionist, Susan.

Because “Gay” is enough for a joke in the 80's...ugh.

Over tries to disarm the computer, but it blasts gas in response as the Mission Impossible theme plays...which I admit, was actually funny. We then go back to mission control where McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges)...and if you remember a scene missing, you're not alone. There was a scene, that was later restored in the TBS version when they had the rights, of McCroskey in the same hospital Ted was, but his reason is that he snapped and thought he was Lloyd Bridges, in a rip of---”Homage” to the bit where the guy in the hospital in the first movie thought he was Ethel Merman, only to be played by Ethel Merman.

Anyway, he goes in and asks for a run down for everything, even asking Jacobs (Stephen Strucker, in a double role) for everything from the beginning, leading to that old shtick about when the Earth was created. We to back to the shuttle, where Over dies and Simon wants to bail. Elaine tells him she's gonna get Ted, and not to fall apa---do I really need to say what happens next? The pun is so old, your mama's mama is telling me to move on.

After a bit that says a young girl is using her last moments to sleep with half the ship, we go back to Earth and see that the families of the passengers are...stock footage from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, right down to using boiling oil to calm 'em down. I'll give them this credit, they actually had extras dressed up as executioners holding the boiling oil. That's an extra mile for stock footage a few decades old. On the ship, Elaine tries to reach Ted, but he's so out of it, he refuses to help.

And we go back to the girl, again...about to sleep with a donkey...because the horse joke in the last movie. Jimmy then sits next to Striker, as he asks if his dog is gonna be ok. This causes Ted's heart to grow three sizes that day, as he goes to the cockpit and tries to take the shuttle again AND heals his relationship with Elaine, leaving EVERYBODY with creepy, yet touching, smiles on their faces as “Sweet Liberty of Life” starts to play.

Ok, THAT was funny.

They managed to get into contact to mission control for a few minutes before losing it, so they try the emergency phone...only for it to be busy.

Ok, that WASN'T funny.

Back on Earth, Bud and the Commissioner show up and ask what does anybody think, as we hear their thoughts from “They're screwed” to “Did I leave the iron on?” They reestablish contact and find out it's the computer causing problems, so the solution is to blow the computer...and do I need to explain the context of why the computer gives itself a smiley face? After the preacher says we're all going to die, more chaos breaks out, including a hockey brawl. Considering this is outer space, I'm guessing the penalty box is 5 minutes of watching Attack of the Clones.

News spreads, including a bit involving various world news programs...because first movie.

At mission control, the cops show up and give some info on the guy that bought the bomb. Turns out, he took out a big policy on his life for $1,000,000 and is suicidal...problem is he signed up for AUTO insurance. This causes McCroskey to warn him about it, making sure everybody's safe before they die in the sun. Striker convinces one of the waitresses to help get the people out of the way...only for her to announce that her announcement is for those WITHOUT a bomb. The bomber gets out of his seat, and is ready to blow the shuttle sky...er...space high. Ted tackles the guy, causing the bomb to fly and the dog to fetch it.

Ted then gets an idea: Use the bomb to blow up the computer and restore control of the ship. After rigging the bomb to do so, Simon ejects before it could be tried, leading Ted to...oh for the love of...look right at the camera and said Simon had premature evacuation.

You read it, I saw it, I hurt more. No contest.

Ted find out that they're gonna ave to talk to Buck Murdock, a man from Ted's past he flew with in the war. After not taking that news well, the bomb explodes, freeing the controls and forcing Ted to go to 0.5 warp, leading to the typical speeding light effects...and a gag where Elaine is stoned because, get it, it enhances th---why am I repeating what half of you already know?

We then go to the moon and meet Murdock himself, played by William Shatner who is EATING every scene that he's in and enjoying that he's parodying one of his most well known roles. This and the court room are the only two saving graces in this thing...but that's like saying you managed to find the one peanut butter filled bar in a box full of almond bars. This leads to all sorts of jokes that hold up WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than both the movie AND should, including pulling Ted's personal record...which is a Polka album, leading Buck to remark it's worse than he thought.

This leads to a bit where Buck asks for periscope, and after ranting that somebody else is the big cheese and head honcho...

Gee, I wonder where people got the idea that Shatner was so insecure, he wrote TekWar and Trek V.

...he sees the original Enterprise, then tells Ted how to get things are back to normal...only for that to screw up when Ted breaks the lever. After asking if there's anymore levers to pull, Ted tells him just blinking buttons causing Buck to have a mental break about all the buttons he's constantly surrounded by. He then says to open the panel and put a piece of metal in to help stabilize it, causing Elaine to pull out her hair pin to put in the panel, causing Buck to ask what a man is doing with a hair pin.

Forget it, if you want to, go ahead, everybody else has at least cracked a joke about Shatner in a girdle at least once.

This causes the ship to shake and shimmy, as evident by a shot of a woman's...huge tracks of land...covered in a shirt that reads “Moral Majority.” Yeah, I don't know ether. Oh no, the joke is because the breast physics from the first movie during the turbulence, the “Moral Majority,” is the one I don't know. Ted and Elaine see the base...because they're about to crash into it, something its staff notices, but Buck not so much as it crashes right through the base and makes a rough landing right on the moon!

Where apparently, there's air and atmosphere as nobody's head explodes or anything. The passengers get out fine, Buck keeps talking as the scene morphs into Ted and Elaine getting married, the bomber asks for his briefcase back, and the credits roll with a...montage of everything we just saw!?

NO! NO! WE'RE GOOD! WE ARE GOOD!

Well, actually, we're between ok and ugh with it.

The good news is this is actually less stupid than I remember it...though to be fair, I started off with one of the worst parodies ever made with this month, so that might factor in...but there are SOME legit funny moments. The court scene, Shatner having a ball with his scenes, and so on. And considering half the cast is from the last movie, it's clear they still enjoyed working together and had no problems carrying over that chemistry with new members.

But it's still stupid.

60-80% of this thing is “Jokes from last movie, rinse, and repeat.” You've seen it before in the last movie, you seen it again with this. Other jokes are old standbys that everybody sees coming, even if they never saw the first movie. Even the Shatner stuff is “Because Robert Stack bit was funny,” and that was the best part of this thing. It's lazy, uninspired, and weak. And don't get me started on how they screwed up both dark AND screwball comedy. Just because the last movie was loaded with sex gags doesn't mean the formula is “Boobs equals comedy.”

But if you can overlook the repeat/predictable jokes, poor attempts at sex comedy, and even worse attempts at dark comedy, you might enjoy this. Mainly ironic, save for the court and Shatner stuff (The only funny long bits), but I got some intentional yuks out of it. However, if you want the full comedy effect, go for the original, you won't be disappointed in that regard.

FINAL VERDICT: For not getting dark/sex humor, for lazily repeating what came before, but bonus points for the court room and Shatner scenes, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Honestly, I wish I started with this BEFORE the 1967 Casino Royale, I don't feel so drained. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take my final Fools of April review somewhere...hmmm...but where?

And yes, the fact I picked a knock off should be an actual clue...but I can't just do it based on location...it needs to have that extra, that oomph, that thing that says “Really really stupid...”