The impossible has been achieved.
Yeah, I couldn't believe it ether, but it appears the internet is united!
That's right, and it's one movie that did it. One movie caused everybody on twitter to form the same opinion, to have the same concussions, to have the same thoughts.
It's not just those I follow ether. I clicked on the hashtag they used too, and those who use it have the same opinion...
AALIYAH: THE PRINCESS OF R&B IS A DISRECPECTFUL POS THAT WENDY WILLIAMS SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF PRODUCING!
Not that we should be shocked at this, after all, it's Lifetime that gave us this... interesting... biopic. And by interesting I mean A PEICE OF CRAP THAT'S FULL OF BU---
Sorry, sorry, I know I just ripped off Sage, but I have a good reason for this!
For those not in the know, Aaliyah was a R&B artist that had a sound that wasn't heard of and, after coming into her own fame at the end of the 90's, was well on her way to be among those like Whitney Houston, Lauren Hill, and other artists that shaped R&B/hip-hop of the time. Unfortunately, after a music video shoot in 2001, her plane crashed killing her and 8 others on board, but she left behind a legacy of fantastic music and stared in a couple of films, Romeo Must Die and Queen Of the Damned.
The fact that most, if not all, of a polarizing place like Twitter is united in calling this movie worse than pond scum is fantastic. Even Liz & Dick, The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story, and Pedals on the Wind (The last Lifetime movie I reviewed) had people going back and forth on them for one reason or another.
But this? You couldn't get the torches and the pitchforks out fast enough! The only one I saw trying to get positive tweets out there was the producer, Wendy Williams, and even then she ether screwed up the title of one of the songs or BS'd it because the family refused to give Lifetime the rights to the music their daughter wrote.
Would ether one REALLY surprise anybody?
So the movie opens with lil' Aalyiah performing on Star Search, a talent show from the 80's to the 90's, with her family saying she's gonna go places and all she needs is her name. She loses, but that's ok! Her uncle, an agent named Barry (Lyriq Bent) who got her to perform with her aunt, Gladys Knight (Elise Neal) and set up and deal for her to perform with the legend in her act in Vegas.
Holy crap! Gladys Knight! This is once in a lifetime (Pun not intended)! We could see her hit it out of the park! We can see her help the would be singer on stage! We could---
Skip to a few days later! We need to get to the R. Kelly part ASAP, no need to see something that many would consider once in a lifetime (Pun not intended) or a fantastic moment of torch passing, we need to see her hit school talent shows singing cover songs! Yeah, that's what put her on the map! Cover songs!
Yeah... if you're expecting the music she herself made... no. Turns out when the family got word about this, they saw the writing on the wall and fought to keep her music out of this thing. Not that I don't blame 'em, I wouldn't want the good stuff near this.
Sure enough, a few years later, the uncle talks to R. Kelly (Cle Ben---CLE BENNETT!? Total Drama Island's Chef!?) and convinces him to produce for Aaliyah (Alexandra Shipp) after being asshole about it, figuratively kicking and screaming on the way to do it.
R. Kelly being an egotistical ass... don't be shocked if that's the only accurate thing from this movie.
But the minute he hears that voice her's, he stops being an ass---BWA-HAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok... ok... I can't say “R. Kelly's heart grew 3 sizes” without laughing. He actually decides, after hearing a cover of “Save the best for last...”
Because, again, legal says no Aaliyah songs in a movie about Aaliyah.
...that this was worth his time and agrees to produce for her. And what do we see from this collaboration? Just her getting advice sometime down the line on how to do recordings. We don't see any actual recordings, just advice and then pizza.
We're 17 minutes into a two hour movie. You don't need to outpace Inuyasha: The Final Act, breathe.
After seeing the two get to know each other over pizza, we see her rise to the top via muzak because the movie had no rights to the actual music, and that some people in the industry are wondering why the 15 year old hasn't hooked up with the 30 some year old. Sure enough, after that, we jump to the two trying to hide their relationship but tired of doing so, so they do the wise thing and get married!
I don't know what's more astounding, that this thing claims people wanna see pedophilia, or there was somebody out there ready to sign a marriage license for a 15 year old to marry a 30 year old... and I don't wanna know.
And, as an only sign of decency in this movie, the parents are against this and threaten to hurt R. Kelly if he comes near Aaliyah again. And yes, I think I heard the entire nation waiting for that moment.
Of course she's mad at them until the dad talks to her over Gumbo...
Because Gumbo cures all wounds.
...and she decides it was time to break into Hollywood! They try to get her an agent, but the guy they get tells her that there's very little chances of a black woman getting a lead role in Hollywood. They, and the audience, bring up Whitney Houston to which he replies they were looking for somebody like her in The Bodyguard anyway.
Yes, this movie just said Whitney Houston's movie career was the end result of a fluke. Actual acting discipline? Willing to learn what weaknesses she has to overcome them and become a better actress as time went by? Pheh! That didn't happen, it was all a fluke!
I'd say more on how insulting that was, but Lifetime as of this writing announced they're gonna do a movie based on Houston's life, so I'll wait until that hole digs deeper.
So while that's going on, and she still pines over R. Kelly...
Yeah, according to the movie, she takes YEARS to get over the guy. Pheh, why do we wanna show somebody with independence and spirit that actually had independence and spirit?
I don't know if that's what happened, but it's Lifetime, can you blame me for doubting it?
...she talks about having Timbaland and Missy Elliot produce her newest album, to which the head of the company replies “Who?”
Ok, so yeah, Timbaland didn't exactly get any mainstream hits producing prior to Aaliyah, so I'll let that slide. But Missy? HA! She just did production work on a song to some dumb soundtrack to some dumb movie called Dangerous Minds three years prior, like anybody will remember both the classic movie and the classic soundtrack with some single about Paradise Gangs or something.
And no, that song isn't what she worked on, but still, points for Lifetime to insult somebody BEFORE they died for a change!
She then says she heard their sound and loves it, and then goes to meet the two, played respectively by Izaak Smith and Chattrisse Dolabaille. And in case you're wondering, no they look NOTHING like Missy and Timbaland, no matter how half-blind or drunk you get. Hell, Dolabaille looks like those hip-hop girls Missy was going against when trying to encourage her fans to go for their dreams even if they don't look like a supermodel.
Again, points for insulting somebody BEFORE they died.
She puts out the album, does some spiel about not being over Kelly, then meets another rapper that I don't know. Not because they mumble his name only once or twice, not because it's also my fault for not listening to the guy's stuff, but because, like with everybody else, he looks nothing like the guy he's supposed to play.
Yeah, if you expected effort from this network, these are the same people that said “You know, that girl from those Disney movies looks like Elizabeth Taylor AND has a good accent.”
There's one scene where Aaliyah does sing a song she's known for... which is because it's the only song she's never written, the one she sung on the Anastasia soundtrack. Yeah, one of the few that's not brought up with her current library that's composed of songs like “Are you that somebody,” a song that still holds up because it's her style, where as this movie uses muzak most of the time due to rights issues.
In other words, the one song that she did they could do is because all she had a hand in it on was singing. Nice respect there.
Let's just wrap this up because there's really nothing else: Aliyah finds happiness with that one rapper I can't remember, is in line to star in a Matrix movie, and is leaving to shoot a music video on what would be her final trip. The movie ends with a text saying that her plane crashed during take off and that her music and legacy will endure.
Which is the only honest thing this movie has said and more than I can say for this pile.
The family didn't want this but they did it anyway, Wendy Williams said so, and I'm with the family on this. This isn't respectful to the artist or those around her, be it the lousy muzak, miscasting, saying she takes forever to get over somebody she shouldn't have been married to, or reducing two of her producers to one scene wonders just to focus mainly on said marriage.
And there's nothing here for the camp crowd ether. At least with Liz & Dick, the constant in-fighting between the two was real and had over the top acting in the movie, so there was some fun to be had and you had a sense that they were trying to tell a story only to completely fail. This doesn't have that distinction, it feels like a cash in on a legacy and with the disrespect to match. There's a reason it seems like the entire internet was united against this thing, and I don't blame everybody for hating it one bit.
And yes, I'm gonna review the Whitney Houston movie on the grounds that its Lifetime doing a Whitney Houston docudrama, do I need to elaborate beyond that?
FINAL VIRDICT: For no respect ether in the movie OR behind the scenes (Seriously, Wendy Williams response to the family not wanting this was 'We're doing it anyway'), hokey acting, miscasting, and just feeling like a horrible cash in on a legacy, this movie gets a SUPER ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB. Only positive thing about this whole thing is the movie united the internet against it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna prepare myself for the next Lifetime movie...
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
No... I can still feel... this might take a bit... oog...
Yeah, I couldn't believe it ether, but it appears the internet is united!
That's right, and it's one movie that did it. One movie caused everybody on twitter to form the same opinion, to have the same concussions, to have the same thoughts.
It's not just those I follow ether. I clicked on the hashtag they used too, and those who use it have the same opinion...
AALIYAH: THE PRINCESS OF R&B IS A DISRECPECTFUL POS THAT WENDY WILLIAMS SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF PRODUCING!
Not that we should be shocked at this, after all, it's Lifetime that gave us this... interesting... biopic. And by interesting I mean A PEICE OF CRAP THAT'S FULL OF BU---
Sorry, sorry, I know I just ripped off Sage, but I have a good reason for this!
For those not in the know, Aaliyah was a R&B artist that had a sound that wasn't heard of and, after coming into her own fame at the end of the 90's, was well on her way to be among those like Whitney Houston, Lauren Hill, and other artists that shaped R&B/hip-hop of the time. Unfortunately, after a music video shoot in 2001, her plane crashed killing her and 8 others on board, but she left behind a legacy of fantastic music and stared in a couple of films, Romeo Must Die and Queen Of the Damned.
The fact that most, if not all, of a polarizing place like Twitter is united in calling this movie worse than pond scum is fantastic. Even Liz & Dick, The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story, and Pedals on the Wind (The last Lifetime movie I reviewed) had people going back and forth on them for one reason or another.
But this? You couldn't get the torches and the pitchforks out fast enough! The only one I saw trying to get positive tweets out there was the producer, Wendy Williams, and even then she ether screwed up the title of one of the songs or BS'd it because the family refused to give Lifetime the rights to the music their daughter wrote.
Would ether one REALLY surprise anybody?
So the movie opens with lil' Aalyiah performing on Star Search, a talent show from the 80's to the 90's, with her family saying she's gonna go places and all she needs is her name. She loses, but that's ok! Her uncle, an agent named Barry (Lyriq Bent) who got her to perform with her aunt, Gladys Knight (Elise Neal) and set up and deal for her to perform with the legend in her act in Vegas.
Holy crap! Gladys Knight! This is once in a lifetime (Pun not intended)! We could see her hit it out of the park! We can see her help the would be singer on stage! We could---
Skip to a few days later! We need to get to the R. Kelly part ASAP, no need to see something that many would consider once in a lifetime (Pun not intended) or a fantastic moment of torch passing, we need to see her hit school talent shows singing cover songs! Yeah, that's what put her on the map! Cover songs!
Yeah... if you're expecting the music she herself made... no. Turns out when the family got word about this, they saw the writing on the wall and fought to keep her music out of this thing. Not that I don't blame 'em, I wouldn't want the good stuff near this.
Sure enough, a few years later, the uncle talks to R. Kelly (Cle Ben---CLE BENNETT!? Total Drama Island's Chef!?) and convinces him to produce for Aaliyah (Alexandra Shipp) after being asshole about it, figuratively kicking and screaming on the way to do it.
R. Kelly being an egotistical ass... don't be shocked if that's the only accurate thing from this movie.
But the minute he hears that voice her's, he stops being an ass---BWA-HAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok... ok... I can't say “R. Kelly's heart grew 3 sizes” without laughing. He actually decides, after hearing a cover of “Save the best for last...”
Because, again, legal says no Aaliyah songs in a movie about Aaliyah.
...that this was worth his time and agrees to produce for her. And what do we see from this collaboration? Just her getting advice sometime down the line on how to do recordings. We don't see any actual recordings, just advice and then pizza.
We're 17 minutes into a two hour movie. You don't need to outpace Inuyasha: The Final Act, breathe.
After seeing the two get to know each other over pizza, we see her rise to the top via muzak because the movie had no rights to the actual music, and that some people in the industry are wondering why the 15 year old hasn't hooked up with the 30 some year old. Sure enough, after that, we jump to the two trying to hide their relationship but tired of doing so, so they do the wise thing and get married!
I don't know what's more astounding, that this thing claims people wanna see pedophilia, or there was somebody out there ready to sign a marriage license for a 15 year old to marry a 30 year old... and I don't wanna know.
And, as an only sign of decency in this movie, the parents are against this and threaten to hurt R. Kelly if he comes near Aaliyah again. And yes, I think I heard the entire nation waiting for that moment.
Of course she's mad at them until the dad talks to her over Gumbo...
Because Gumbo cures all wounds.
...and she decides it was time to break into Hollywood! They try to get her an agent, but the guy they get tells her that there's very little chances of a black woman getting a lead role in Hollywood. They, and the audience, bring up Whitney Houston to which he replies they were looking for somebody like her in The Bodyguard anyway.
Yes, this movie just said Whitney Houston's movie career was the end result of a fluke. Actual acting discipline? Willing to learn what weaknesses she has to overcome them and become a better actress as time went by? Pheh! That didn't happen, it was all a fluke!
I'd say more on how insulting that was, but Lifetime as of this writing announced they're gonna do a movie based on Houston's life, so I'll wait until that hole digs deeper.
So while that's going on, and she still pines over R. Kelly...
Yeah, according to the movie, she takes YEARS to get over the guy. Pheh, why do we wanna show somebody with independence and spirit that actually had independence and spirit?
I don't know if that's what happened, but it's Lifetime, can you blame me for doubting it?
...she talks about having Timbaland and Missy Elliot produce her newest album, to which the head of the company replies “Who?”
Ok, so yeah, Timbaland didn't exactly get any mainstream hits producing prior to Aaliyah, so I'll let that slide. But Missy? HA! She just did production work on a song to some dumb soundtrack to some dumb movie called Dangerous Minds three years prior, like anybody will remember both the classic movie and the classic soundtrack with some single about Paradise Gangs or something.
And no, that song isn't what she worked on, but still, points for Lifetime to insult somebody BEFORE they died for a change!
She then says she heard their sound and loves it, and then goes to meet the two, played respectively by Izaak Smith and Chattrisse Dolabaille. And in case you're wondering, no they look NOTHING like Missy and Timbaland, no matter how half-blind or drunk you get. Hell, Dolabaille looks like those hip-hop girls Missy was going against when trying to encourage her fans to go for their dreams even if they don't look like a supermodel.
Again, points for insulting somebody BEFORE they died.
She puts out the album, does some spiel about not being over Kelly, then meets another rapper that I don't know. Not because they mumble his name only once or twice, not because it's also my fault for not listening to the guy's stuff, but because, like with everybody else, he looks nothing like the guy he's supposed to play.
Yeah, if you expected effort from this network, these are the same people that said “You know, that girl from those Disney movies looks like Elizabeth Taylor AND has a good accent.”
There's one scene where Aaliyah does sing a song she's known for... which is because it's the only song she's never written, the one she sung on the Anastasia soundtrack. Yeah, one of the few that's not brought up with her current library that's composed of songs like “Are you that somebody,” a song that still holds up because it's her style, where as this movie uses muzak most of the time due to rights issues.
In other words, the one song that she did they could do is because all she had a hand in it on was singing. Nice respect there.
Let's just wrap this up because there's really nothing else: Aliyah finds happiness with that one rapper I can't remember, is in line to star in a Matrix movie, and is leaving to shoot a music video on what would be her final trip. The movie ends with a text saying that her plane crashed during take off and that her music and legacy will endure.
Which is the only honest thing this movie has said and more than I can say for this pile.
The family didn't want this but they did it anyway, Wendy Williams said so, and I'm with the family on this. This isn't respectful to the artist or those around her, be it the lousy muzak, miscasting, saying she takes forever to get over somebody she shouldn't have been married to, or reducing two of her producers to one scene wonders just to focus mainly on said marriage.
And there's nothing here for the camp crowd ether. At least with Liz & Dick, the constant in-fighting between the two was real and had over the top acting in the movie, so there was some fun to be had and you had a sense that they were trying to tell a story only to completely fail. This doesn't have that distinction, it feels like a cash in on a legacy and with the disrespect to match. There's a reason it seems like the entire internet was united against this thing, and I don't blame everybody for hating it one bit.
And yes, I'm gonna review the Whitney Houston movie on the grounds that its Lifetime doing a Whitney Houston docudrama, do I need to elaborate beyond that?
FINAL VIRDICT: For no respect ether in the movie OR behind the scenes (Seriously, Wendy Williams response to the family not wanting this was 'We're doing it anyway'), hokey acting, miscasting, and just feeling like a horrible cash in on a legacy, this movie gets a SUPER ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB. Only positive thing about this whole thing is the movie united the internet against it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna prepare myself for the next Lifetime movie...
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
No... I can still feel... this might take a bit... oog...
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