B-Movie Bomb: Diana: The Musical (Spoilers)

 

*SIGH*

Yes...I must've said “Piece of cake” between Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again and now, because just a mere couple of weeks after I wrote that I needed a break from musicals (Because I did 3 bad ones in a row), I see THIS make the rounds...

Top it all off, one of my bosses, who loves the royal family, requests that I review Diana: The Musical personally. I'm half tempted to ask if this is an OSHA violation.

For those too young to remember her, or if she was before your time, Princess Diana was married to Prince Charles until their very very VERY bitter divorce, resulting in her, him, and anybody around them, being a magnet for the tabloids. It should be noted, however, while the royal family looked like chumps during all of this, Diana used her fame, be it the positive stuff from the general public or the negativity from the tabloids, to do some actual good. This includes everything from AIDS research to organizations dedicated to getting rid of landmines that are still in various war-zones. She did all of this right up until her death in a tunnel in France, which was caused in part by the paparazzi tailing her that night...and blocking the EMTs from getting to her just for a quick buck.

And that's the best I can do for the summary of her life, I only know what was known in public and to go into more detail would require an even longer review...but I can tell you that summary was more respectful than what we're gonna get!

Also, it should be noted that Netflix filmed this in 2020 while Broadway was shut down due to COVID...but it can also be argued, by what you're gonna see summed up, that they were thanking GOD for no audience due to the events in this thing. And, since this was filmed, I'm reviewing it like I do every other bad movie I review on here.

Just how bad does it get? It's about as much of a tribute as Doug Walker's “The Wall.”

Yes. I know what I said.

So, the movie/play opens with lights flashing and cameras clicking as Diana (Jeanna de Waal) walks out in her white dress...and I'm not gonna say why now, but upon another viewing of this, I realized what's going on thanks to the beginning and the ending. It might explain a few things and why somethings are somethings, but...yeah, it's still a bad play.

She comes out to the song, “Underestimated” which starts out as a pretty good summary of her emotions and leading up to meeting Charles and what's gonna come out of it...except...well...

Is it just me, or do some of the lyrics double as a Bond Villain's song? Yeah, most of it sums up what's happening to her before, during, and after the main events of the play...but there's some lyrics that actually can match a Bond villain's motivations in this thing. “Fairy Tales Exist, but this one has a twist because you're underestimated” can easily double as a villain line the minute they get all the gold and are revealed to be the narrator.

Relax, they don't go that far...but you're gonna see they do something else.

She's introduced to Camilla Parker Bowles (Erin Davie) who promises to give Diana and Charles time alone. Ah, nothing like true love with the mistress hooking you up with her man. We find out more on how that happened when we jump to a conversation between the Queen (Judy Kaye) and Prince Charles (Roe Hartrampf) as it turns out he needs to find somebody to wed because he's 32 years old and still a playboy!

Oh, and in case you didn't click the link to the song, Diana's 19. Yes, just when you thought any negative opinions those of you who grew up with the tabloids on the royals couldn't sink any lower, you get to add the math that makes your brain shout “Old enough to be creepy uncle” to it. Oh, and throw this in too, because...ya know...you can't have TOO much creepy in being creepy...it turns out the reason Charles knows about Diana is because he once dated her older sister.

Yes, now the royal family can keep it in the family OUT of the family. All of this is done to the song “The Worst Job In England.”

As the queen sings the positive, the staff sings the negatives and...well, given what those of us who remember what the tabloids, biographies, and personal accounts published said, three guesses on where this lands. They even hint that the family knows this is all just a publicity stunt, complete with the queen saying the wedding'll sell. It then jumps to Diana talking to her sister, Sarah (Holly Ann Butler), about it, with her gushing over how fairy tale like it all is.

No, that feeling of whiplash is normal and there's a reason we're zooming by everything, I'll get to it.

It's through this we find out a couple of things, starting with, via seeing the phone call to Diana, that Charles is sleeping with Carmella as the two have...something close to a relationship as they're gonna get because of events in the play. It turns out she's trying to get Charles and Diana together because it's good for the kingdom...and he's so inept at getting the TEENAGE GIRL, he thinks one of her favorite bands is “Duran Duran Duran” on the grounds that the royal family is that out of touch with their people. Well, this leads to Charles asking her to join in as a “Guide” to her at the orchestra...and the clip I linked you to at the start of this thing.

Yeah, “This is How Your People Dance” is supposed to show the difference between the two...but all it really does is remind you that Diana is a teenager...and kinda implies she's a little on the dumb side, given the line “I maybe no intellect, but maybe we can find a discotheque.” And all I can say when it has moments like Charles doing the robot and the whole thing turning into a rave...

Which makes me wanna remark that this is sometime in 1980, meaning it'd be more of a punk scene than a techno one.

...is one question...is this a parody? Out of touch royal, a teenager (Over 18, but still a teenager) bored out of her skull suddenly brake into a rave with him doing the robot as the cello playing suddenly becomes electric. Except I know the answer is “No,” so that leads to ANOTHER question, one that I kept asking over and over again as I watched the first time...who approved this?

Diana still has an estate that has to approve EVERYTHING that involves her likeness or the legality of her being in anything from movies to TV; I'm pretty damn sure the Royal Family's lawyers are on speed dial if they so much as give Charles a big nose without even thinking about notifying them, and I really don't think Charles and Carmella themselves would enjoy being the villains in this thing. So...who approved all of this? Who gave the ok to make a 19 year old Diana, a school assistant, an immature moron, the Royal Family so out of touch that they might as well rule from space, and made Carmella the villain?

Granted, a lot of people would argue that last one, but considering you can legally go so far with this stuff, SOMEBODY still had to say “Yes.”

We then jump to sometime later, ad the paparazzi gang up on Diana with clicks of the camera to the song “Snap, Click.”

And for awhile, it captures the tabloids and how sleazy the reporters and tabloids really are, complete with the line “And if you think we're vultures, we dare you to look away,” calling out how the public ate all of this up before she got married, which actually I like considering people did eat it all up...but that good will ain't gonna last and we'll get to why later. The Queen's had enough and wants them to get married ASAP because the press is going nuts, as Charles tries to suggest Carmella...except she's married.

Yes, whatever low opinion you had with Prince Charles...

Well...whatever low opinion BEFORE it came out how he treats his oldest son, anyway.

...know it can go lower.

As he's not sure about how he feels about her, this causes the Queen to break into “Whatever Love Means, Anyway.”

Yes, because in your fairy tail romance, you need to have a “Perform with pinkie up” version of the “Pina Colada Song.” It does leave to the reveal that novelist Barbra Cartland (Also played by Judy Kaye) as she sings to her that all men are liars...

I'm a dude and I can't find the lie in that.

...and tells Charles that through her, she learned about actual love and romance. Well, this doesn't stop Charles as he pops the question and she says yes!

Again, I'm a dude, and I can't find the lie in that all dudes are liars, so you can guess how this goes when he says he is truly in love with her. Somehow, I think this version of Diana missed the warning. And the whole time, btw, we're supposed to feel some sympathy for Charles and Camilla not being able to be together...but at the same time, the movie/play tries to frame them as the eventual antagonists. And, yes, this is gonna hurt later...like the Dickens!

It jumps right to the wedding, as Diana realizes her sister's early warning about Camilla was right on the money and she wants to bail on this thing ASAP, breaking into “I Will.”

Yes, because when you wanna get married, you want it to be exactly like this...

If you haven't figured it out, the reason my two questions about parody and permission is because so far, Diana is bonkers for bananas in this thing. Who gave the ok to make her so psychotic, you'd expect her to make rabbit stew out of the Royal Family pet? Who approved something that made her seem so off in fantasy land, you have to remind her that the veil on her head isn't a dragon?

It jumps then to Diana's first post wedding appearance, as she has to greet the public as Charles and the Queen instruct her to not to maintain contact with the public and just say “Hi and bye.” Remember, the important things to know when ruling a country or being an icon of said country is no eye contact, be as numb as possible, and do not show emotion, for the love of everything holy, DO NOT SHOW EMOTION!

She then proceeds to show emotion, kicking off “The World Fell In Love.”

After Charles rants about how jealous he feels, Camilla tells him that she's trying to patch things up with her husband (Zach Adkins) as he asks how's her “Friend” doing, replying to Charles “He calls you my 'Friend.'”

Gee, play, thanks for assuming us viewers are dumbasses.

This leads the two to break it off as Diana is trying to tell Charles some good news, but he's still mad that he had to call it off with Camilla...until Diana says she's gonna have a baby! Yes, babies make everything better!

Insert joke about the Oprah interview here.

This leads to “Happiness/Simply Breathe,” where while it seems the baby did fix everything...Charles can't let go of his ex-mistress...

Again, this is supposed to make us support, in someway, Camilla and Charles being together despite them being the antagonists, or at least things setting up for that to happen. Look, I'm an anime fan, I love it when there's more to the antagonist than 'Antagonist,' but when you have it stacked against postpartum depression, you can't have it both ways, especially when his response to her mentally broken is to run back to the mistress.

Also, THE VIEWER IS BEING ASKED TO ROOT FOR THE CHEATING COUPLE IN A MUSICAL ABOUT DIANA! That's like asking the viewer to root for Lex Luthor to hook up with Lois Lane in a story centered around how she first met Clark Kent. Doesn't matter how human you make the other party, WE'RE NOT GONNA ROOT FOR THE BAD GUY!

We jump to Diana recovering in the hospital as her sister is trying to talk her into a divorce, but she refuses and figures she still loves him, despite seeing who she calls the “Rottweiler,” leading her assistant (Bruce Down) to remark that she calls Camilla the Rottweiler.

Gee, thanks again for assuming the viewers are dumbasses, play.

Charles visits her and the two work out a deal...kinda. This leads into “She Moves In The Most Modern Ways” as it goes over how she uses her new power for charity and hope.

And, of course it's because one of the rules of royalty is care very little about your subjects as possible, Charles gets mad and reminds her she shouldn't be so gosh darn kind and caring. In response, Diana decides to do something different this year for the Royal Ballet as she jumps in and joins it. Well, you would think the palace would actually jump for joy in that they picked a Princess that was full of grace, beauty, and enough skill to actually be in the Royal Ballet...but this is enough to actually make steam come out of Charles's ears...

Not really, but you'd bet your butt if they had the budget, they'd do it.

...leading to “Diana (The Rage).”

Remember, we're supposed to sympathize with him and his mistress. Can't you just feel the sympathy for him?

Oh, wait, that's bile.

Yeah, I get that some reports say that the Royal Family was this disconnected...but... “A tart” in 1980-something?

Diana's response? “As I Love You.”

I'm just gonna let “Married a Scorpio” explain it all.

Did I mention I think Netflix was thanking God for no audience for this thing?

Of course, this all leads to Charles going back to Camilla and they both sing “I Miss You Most On Sundays,” trying to make us sympathize with them, yet again!

Ok, between “Diana (The Rage),” this song, and what's gonna happen next? No, this doesn't work at all. This thing is trying to make all 3 parties involved as human as possible...while still having Charles and Camilla be so antagonistic, several scenes make them scheme like villains or be out and out assholes. It's not unheard of for writing to try to make the affair sympathetic, but you can't do that and have the next scene be 'How to make the wife look stupid' or 'Take the spotlight away.' There's a reason people who watch Fatal Attraction wanted the mistress to die, ya know.

We then jump back to Diana as she sings that she's ready to fight back with “Pretty, Pretty, Girl.”

And I thought there weren't enough breaks in the first Mamma Mia, at least do SOMETHING that's more plot advancing than singing! Again, though, there's a reason everything is so rapid-fire and one sided, even for a musical about Diana. How it'll hurt...is up to you frankly.

And, yes, in the next scene, Camilla and Charles try to dim the spotlight by making up a bullshit cause to change the focus, namely old buildings! Because, you know, those skyscrapers are eyesores!

Or, if you saw Remembrance of the Daleks from Doctor Who, remind you it's not 1963.

Of course, that was the big intermission song, so we jump to act 2 to be introduced by Barbra Cartland as she introduces James Hewitt, to his own song: “Here Comes James Hewitt.”

And his introduction in the play is...coming through the elevator like trapdoor set piece on a saddle without a shirt...and that's the least ridiculous thing I can type about the number. It's right here that they decided to dump all the innuendo you can think of with a horse riding instructor, including how Diana's husband 'Needs lessons' and how Hewiet can teach her how to ride, and so on.

This is one of the reasons I keep asking if this is a parody...then there's stuff after it that reminds me that...this isn't...but then it keeps coming back to the other question I kept asking, WHO APPROVED THIS STORY ABOUT REAL PEOPLE!? Especially when the song implies he's dumber than a bag of hammers.

Yeah, for a play that's about a woman who got screwed over by the rules and found happiness in breaking them and using her fame to help others, this thing sure loves taking shots at her and those who made her happy.

Well, after a night of making her happy over and over again, we jump to the two in bed...along with Charles and Camilla in bed in attempt number “If you're keeping count of this, up your medication” to add sympathy to the cheating couple (And sucking at it) “Him & Her & Him & Her.”

...I think it would've been simpler just to name it “Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice.”

It's kinda hard to give sympathy to the other party when the “Victim card” the adulterer husband plays can include on it's check list “Read Wife The Riot Act.” But it's a double song, as you can see, as it jumps to the second half, via a dance party with Diana and Charles, of the number with “Just Dance,” as Diana tries to keep everything peaceful, civil, and tries to keep everything together...but Charles keeps wanting her to shut up and dance among her concerns on what a divorce would do to her family.

Can't you feel all that sympathy for the guy?

Oh, wait, that's last night's dinner making a comeback.

Eventually, Hewitt comes back and now it's her turn to keep wanting to dance...only it's done with more sympathy and a tone that says she just wants one moment of joy vs. Charles just wanting one moment of “Shut the Hell up.” God, can't you feel all that empathy for the guy cheating on his wife? Well, Charles eventually finds out and says they can carry on as Charles and Camilla decide to hightail it and couch surf at various friends and relatives. I'd say it's because Charles realizes it's the pot calling the kettle black...except we can't give our antagonist THAT much humanity, as we jump to Charles trying to talk Diana out of being with the people and trying to help people...during the AIDS crisis...

Yes, we reached the part of the play where the mind is gonna go “Uh” as you tug on your shirt and panic over what fresh Hell we're gonna have with this.

Well, how about the implication that Charles could care less about people infected with HIV with the sentence “More appropriate causes,” and that he brought into the early panic as gospel as he kept telling her to put on gloves and a mask. Remember, if you wanna be a royal, be as out of touch with the world as possible. Well, Diana refuses the gloves and gladly meets with everybody, even shaking hands, in the AIDS ward. All of this is done to “Secrets And Lies.”

Yeah...considering the men in this thing had justifiable reason to not let their cases known, it's odd that it takes talk about fashion and make up to change the mind of at least one. And...yeah, it's actually one of the more respectful moments with her in it and done very well...so how do we screw it up? Well, we humanized Diana enough, let's make it over the top again! Diana finds out through her sister that Charles is going to a party with Camilla and her sister, so her reply? Go with him and confront the Rottweiler herself all to the tune of “The Main Event!”

No, you're not mishearing, the play that an act ago called you out for buying up all the tabloids is now having people foaming at the teeth for a catfight. And if you're thinking “Oh, it's just the audio, the play'll do something,” nope. The play treats the crowd like they're watching a wrestling event they've been waiting for all night, without any hint that they're in the wrong for doing it.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, MOVIE/PLAY!

If you're gonna call out the audience for all the rags they bought at the check out, don't be afraid to CALL OUT THE AUDIENCE! And you don't have to do much to get the message through, the littlest things drive the point home just fine! Have them fight over seats, somebody shout “GET YOUR PROGRAMS,” passing around popcorn while looking at the fight like they found Jesus, ANYTHING to drive home that this is a bad thing you drove home an act earlier!

This causes Charles, when they leave, to call Diana out for her affairs...

So much for knowing pot calling kettle.

...and he declares that the marriage is over as she should “Come to her senses.” Boy, that sympathy is building up, isn't it?

Oh, wait, no, that's the Mt. Dew I had an hour ago.

And this is to the reprise of that oh so wonderful... “Meh, whatever” song, “Whatever Love Means Anyway.”

At this point, why didn't they just have 'em sing “The Pina Colada Song?”

With James given marching orders to Germany, Diana decides to snap and no longer play nice with...a reprise of “Pretty, Pretty, Girl...” Ok, that's too short to have a point to link to it...then a follow up with a...reprise of “Snap, Click” too short to have a point to link to it...or be in the play...

The reason I say this it because is you can cut the “Snap, Click” reprisal as it jumps to Diana making her phone call to Andrew Morton (Nathan Lucrezio) to tell her side of the story “Anonymously” with “The Words Came Pouring Out.”

Naturally, it jumps to the public's reaction to it, with Camilla remarking that everybody was fooled by a “Girl unschooled.” Don't you just feel that feeling somewhere inside of you, rooting for her and Charles to find their happy place!?

Oh, wait, that was a fart I was holding in all day.

Though, I have one question about the song...why's Morton singing “A Palace Conned by a Cunning Blond?” Is it because of Camilla? The viewers aren't stupid, but we do need clarity, especially since the song's about Diana saying her side of the story. We then see the Queen's reaction when Charles tells her everything, saying that Diana comes off as a woman scorned by her unaffectionate husband, something that “Half of the women of England can relate to.”

Even with no audience, I could hear the sound of dead silence on that one.

After hearing that the Queen doesn't want to see her, Camilla gets offended and tries to convince Charles to steer the ship so the press can see things through their eyes. I mean...all the woman is is his mistress, you act like it's awful or something, lady! He goes through it with the reprise of “I Missed You Most on Sundays.”

…

Right...too short to be on YouTube...

Alright, so what does this lead to? Well, it turns out her butler helps her come up with an idea to sock it to the prince and take attention away from him...

...you know, if you're gonna go that far with the idea that she used her body in that way, dress and all, just lift it from this.

...in fact, it might AS WELL BE this!

Diana eventually meets the Queen to try to iron things out, with her remarking that she would've chopped off Diana's head in the old days...and misses those days.

Somewhere, I heard a Netflix executive thanking God for no audience.

This causes the Queen to remark how much she does understand Diana with “An Officer's Wife.”

Well, this was enough for her to reflect on everything...literally as we see images of various wives from back in her day and even the Navy behind those one way mirrors as she's singing...to allow Diana to get her divorce with a clean break, including no protection what-so-ever.

And...yeah, the number is fantastic, Judy Kaye drives it home. This is where I wish we had an audience, I would've LOVED to heard the reaction to this thing, it's a very moving performance.

And now we go back to where it started, with Diana in the same white dress that opened the show with the final song, “If...”

And...yeah, you can't help but cringe when you get to the lyric about her wanting Charles to let William take the crown, given what's come out since then. But, other than that? It's time to tell you what I think I figured out with why the play is what it is, with the rapid fire time jumps, things being so one sided even for a play build around Diana, and why things seemed off and odd.

I came to the conclusion when I realized “If” had a mini-reprise of “Underestimated” as those flashblubs got dimmer and dimmer while the extras are reading the news as it happens...this whole thing is Diana on Jacob's Ladder.

Yes, we are seeing the memories of a dying woman...memories that show her nutty as a fruit cake in some spots, memories that call her not that bright, that make fun of her loved ones, and tried to get us, and failed, to sympathize with Charles and Camilla. Think about it, the rapid time jumps, the only parts of her life that focus on how we got to the next, some of the more fantastical elements like “This is How Your People Dance” having Charles break into the robot, it makes too much sense. But that's not the stupidest or most insulting part of the final minutes.

No, no, that comes when she walks into the darkness, the cast members appear, and sing this one lyric...

“The people who will change the world, are not the ones you think will change the world.”

Wait, what does that even mean!? In the context of the play!? What, nobody thought Diana would change the world!? I'm sorry, but when you're a royal that goes to see what they can do to help AIDS patients in the early days of the crisis, uh...yeah, that's somebody who changes the world! Wait, does this mean Diana wasn't meant to change the world? Then what was the narrative point of this play!?

Also, I can't be the only one getting a headache from that one sentence, I tried saying it out loud and I wound up shutting my frontal lobes down in protest!

Every time I asked if this was a parody, I had to remind myself it wasn't...but can you see why I had to multiple times?

This is just insulting, an article from Entertainment Weekly compared it to “Spring Time For Hitler,” and they're right on the money. Everybody here is stupid, vapid, selfish, and moronic just to name everything off the top of my head. Half the performances are over the top and...are we SEREIOUSLY supposed to take the side of Charles and Camilla over Princess freakin' Diana!? The songs aren't really that strong (Seriously, you can replace “The Dress” with “Little Black Dress” and it'd have a better impact), and the ultimate shoe that drops?

THIS IS ALL FROM THE DREAMS AND MEMORIES OF A DYING WOMAN!

Yes, this play, from my observation anyway, is exploiting her death by telling a “Springtime for Hitler” version of her life. It starts with the white dress and talking about flashbulbs in the air, it ends with the white dress and those same flashbulbs dimming all around her. The death of Diana is still an open wound for some people despite decades passing and to treat it in such a matter is gonna do nothing but piss everybody off.

And then there's the second question I asked when I reminded myself it's not a parody...who gave the okays for this?

Diana still has both an estate and living family members, the Royal Family's estate, let alone the lawyers, aren't gonna call it quits anytime soon, and I don't think Hewit, his troops, and his own estate like the idea of him being a himbo, and so on. You can only go far when your script is “Oh, this is from the POV of somebody dying” when you aren't making a parody.

This is insulting, this is embarrassing, and the only strong point with the songs are the melodies, but I promise you, even those will leave your head after a week.

Wonder if the play when audiences comeback'll be shorter.

FINAL VERDICT: For being insulting to everybody, trying to make us take sides with two people without giving them humanity, bland songs (But with good melodies), and just being an awful play as a whole, this movie/play gets a MEGA DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! I know what I summed up sounds like I reviewed a parody, but I'm not...but wouldn't every horrible thing make sense if this was a horrible parody? Now, if you'll excuse me, I SERIOUSLY need a break from musicals, so I'll take anything! Anything at a---

DAMN IT!