So...been awhile huh?
Yeah, I got no excuse, real life just got in the way...and when I tried reviewing The Brady Bunch Movie my brain had the natural reaction of having my teeth pulled by a rusty tool covered in salt.
So...yeah, real life and trying to force myself into watching a movie more painful than a nail to the skull didn't make for a good combo. But, hey, maybe I just need a vacation to get the last of the cobwebs out, just something to refresh my mind. But where to go...
Yeah, let that slightly...interesting...cover of the song hammer the joke that I'm doing the mockbuster of Guy Richie's King Arthur, The Asylum's King Arthur And the Knights of the Round Table, aka, making your company vacation a business expense!
Yes, our favorite studio that has done everything, from starting a whole faith based sub-division to cash in on Disney to make an entire franchise out of the stupidest thing you can think of, actually found enough quarters in the couch to film outside of the US! I kid, more than likely, they all wanted a vacation and wrote this project to write it off as a “Business expense.”
Gotta love loopholes!
Regardless of why they did it, the reality is that, around the time, their King Arthur was thought of/made, the studio was riding high off of the success of both their TV series, Z-Nation (A light hearted take on The Walking Dead that rejuvenated SyFy's TV division) and the Sharknado movies, with the 3rd one, Oh, Hell No, out and the fourth, The Fourth Awakens, on the way. So, it's nice to know that while they write off the vacation as a “Job,” they can afford the “Vacation.” And this half joke is also a half guess, as I can't find ANY reason outside of the plot that this is in Thailand and the storyline reason isn't expanded beyond “Moved here.”
And considering how cheap these guys are, can you blame me for thinking this?
So, the movie opens with stock footage of a castle and knights before going into some warehouse made to look like a...I mean a “Very authentic just don't look at the fake dirt floor very real real cave” where King Arthur (Bryon Gibson) is holding the line! Not sure how a cave under your castle says “Hold the line” more than “Hide this is in some warehouse,” but ok. It looks bad for our king, as Morgana (Sara Malakul Lane) and her son, Mordred (Russel Geoffrey Banks), have Arthur and his cannon fod---I mean “Knights” blocked in a cave and orders Merlin (Harold Diamond) to end the threat with a bold of lightning!
Well, turns out this cave looking thing is really the throne room...with no round table and stalagmites that say it's a cave set...and with Morgana and Mordred forced to answer for their crimes. Namely, Morgana did her magic thing by making EVERYTHING that can give birth, plants included, not.
Hey, don't look at me like that, the exposition Arthur dumped said it.
So, their punishment: IMMORTALITY! That's right, you wreck some shit, you get to live forever! Morgana tries one more time to kill the king, but Merlin steps in and shenanigans results in all of magic being tied to Excalibur.
...wait...isn't that already the case considering...
D'OH! Trying to think about an Asylum movie, what was I thinking!?
Well, this is enough to cause Arthur to force her and her kid on the throne and turn said throne into a stone rocket and launch them IN...SPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE in the cheapest CGI way possible! Hey, all the money wen to the company vacat---I mean “Set location.” Sure enough, we jump 1500 years later to the vacat---”Location of new Camelot,” Thailand!
Great...how'd the magic get to Thailand?
And I looked. It was limited, but the sources I found said that yes, the Asylum, a studio notorious for using their own backyard to shoot something, actually went to Thailand. Again, there's a reason I joked about saving all the couch change.
And hope you like those 4K TV displays that say “Around the World in 4K,” 'cause the Asylum plays the Hell out of the stock footage to let you know you're in Thailand! Just in case you missed it, here's Bangkok 12 more times! We then jump to a dojo where our hero, Penn (Eoin O'Brien), and girlfriend, Jenna (Kelly B. Jones) training for the local theme park stunt sh---I mean “The big family tournament” coming up! Yes, that time of the year where the 100% possibly not definitely most assured isn't is decedents of Arthur and his knights show up to kick their own asses!
I say that because even THEY'RE not sure and the only relative that says they are is the crazy one that keeps saying “This one time, I kicked a dragon's ass...” Don't ya just love it when family linage is this?
After he pops the question, we jump to the sounds of a spaceship landing on Earth holding the gruesome twosome, Morgana and Mordred! And if you think this means we're gonna get something as awesomely stupid as Arthur's family vs. Morgana's aliens...
The two wonder why Earth hasn't had it's ass kicked yet, but it turns out it's because the magic is still here and Merlin hid it!
Great! Why's the magic in Thailand?
She vows to get the magic the sword shielded back and...it just hit me that if magic still being here is why the aliens haven't beaten us yet, what was the point of her ALIEN TRAINING!?
Wait, wait, overthinking an Asylum movie...meaning I was thinking.
Jump to the next day and the decedent of Merlin, Elaine (Asia Marie Burnett) is giving Penn a massage to work on his dinged shoulder and dump more awkward exposition about how this is the first time they talked in 5 years. Meaning this family reunion is taking place already in an area where the family of the knights already lived.
Great! Why'd they all move to Thailand?
After being taken back to the reunion by Gunner (John Nutt), the guy who says they're related to Arthur and the knights, we see Elaine is in a bit of pain herself. Not to worry, she has the...Holy Grail in the safe to heal herself?
…
Ok, first, you with the Monty Python poster, just...no.
Second, I thought all magic was stored in Excalibur, how'd this happen?
Follow up, why's the magic in Thailand?
She's healed up just in time for an entire soccer team of cannon fodder show up JUST BEFORE Morgana and Mordred do, bondage gear and all! Fun fact, this was directed by the then boyfriend of the woman who played Morgana. Gee, I wonder why she was given the skimpy outfit. While this is going on, everybody was...kung-fu...theatering...as two female family members fight until a winner was declared...and said winner said she'll keep her mouth shut because if her parole officer heard about this, he'd flip...
...how did you get the ok to be in Thailand?
Wait, wait, Asylum, don't think.
All's fun and games until Lucas (Alexander Winters) shows up and spoils the fun. Turns out he had a thing with Penn's now fiancee...and he's not let go as he's left her 15 voice mails since arriving!
...hold up...I know family spreads around the globe over time, but...this Taiwanese dojo is looking a little pale, and I don't mean from the sun. So, this means a huge chunk of the family is coming TO Thailand...
Great! Why are they in Thailand?
Lucas gives Penn the bad news, that he's not promoted in his unit and he reports DIRECTLY to Lucas first thing when the leave is over and they get back! It's the military, what the Hell do ethics and the ability to depend on your commanding officer not kicking your butt or leaving you to die over an issue have to do with anything? The anger is enough to boil over to declare it's time for another match with the family as they get out the kendo sticks! Ah, yes, give two people with such deep issues that it's implied to impact the military weapons, this can only be a good thing!
Penn, our hero, gets two weapons vs. Lucas's one, but that's ok because Lucas decides following the rules of combat is for losers and just punches and kicks his way to victory for the House of Lancelot!
Gee, I wonder who Penn's the decedent of and why this is over a woman, this is so subtle from the Asylum!
We then jump back to the parlor, where Morgana takes control of the soccer team via magic tinfoil just as Elaine gets out the grail, which actually Morgana mistakes for the sword due to the energies it gives out! Again, I thought all magic was in the sword. Anyway, Morgana then launches a ball of death to follow Elaine as she runs to the family dojo only to have the ball of death cook her nines.
...I thought they said aliens couldn't beat Earth because the magic is still here. It seems the alien training is actually doing fine in the “Take control and kick our ass” department.
...wait, hold up...Morgana just implied that her son relies too much on tech and is...gonna try some magic? Wait, I thought the sword stored all her mag---
Right, right, thinking again.
Elaine dies, but gets out “Find my sister” before she does and gives them the grail. We jump to sometime later, after the cops and such investigate so that's it for Elaine, where Gunner has the grail in his hands and recites the poem that Elaine also said before she died, namely it's the grail that can unsheathe the sword as both sides can bring salvation and damnation. Apparently, despite being cousins and a huge chunk of the family being into the Author stuff, they were unaware that she was connected to Merlin.
But that's not important, let's hear how the cup makes all the men in the movie tingle! The men, and two of the women, talk about what happened and it turns out Gunner knows a thing or two about middle age archaeology and goes to try to study it, but makes it clear that he doesn't trust the internet because, unless it's pen to paper, it's not historically accurate.
This is because one of our heroes wanted to look up the name of Elaine's sister and he said, well, what I just typed in response.
Meanwhile, Morgana zombifies the soccer team into Mordred's army to get the grail back! This is either a joke to remind you that her magic is supposed to be gone, OR a joke about for something where the implication is magic is protecting us...but the alien training is STILL doing a good job kicking our asses. I don't think the writers care enough for me TO care enough.
Back to the Arthurian Taiwanese Dojo, and Penn lashes out at everybody, ready to tell his whole family to go to Hell over everything. Good to know it's not just the fact that his commanding officer hates his guts for taking his ex that has me worried about giving ANYBODY in this family a gun or a command. And...ok, by taking control of the soccer team, I apparently mean one guy as he and Mordred storm the dojo and when the family hear's he's hunting for the cup that a family member died over...they joke about him being on drugs and in S&M gear.
Nice to see family means so much to these people.
Pleasantries out of the way, it's time for the latest practice for the local 4H fair stunt sh---I mean the “Incredibly choreographed fight that in no way looks like a bunch of rank armatures were staging something after the camera man spun himself like he was getting ready for a t-ball game.” A few reject power ranger moves later, they kill the zombie and are ready to go after Mordred...who then wipes the floor with them while the camera man looks like he's on the Poseidon just as the wave was coming until they all finally work together to pin him...and give him a chance to exposit on how the zombie was made. After spitting out who he is, Mordred then says he's mainly here for redemption vs. his mom, who's there for revenge...and don't ask me where this comes from, I'm a wrestling fan and this face turn is even random for me. Cops then show up at Elaine's business only for them to wind up zapped by the tin-foil of magic to become more members of Morgana's zombie army. Again, for the implication that Earth's magic is protecting us from alien stuff, it's doing a bad job against alien stuff.
I guess it has to have a HUMAN behind the alien stuff.
Back with Penn and family as they take the family jeep down some streets and...
Only the Asylum can take a location like Bangkok and make it feel like whenever they filmed at either the backyard or the park 6 blocks away from the studio.
...argue with each other again at Gunner's house, which Penn says he'll give the guy an hour to try to prove everything. If you're wondering about just looking up stuff on the internet to save time, remember, if it ain't pen to paper, it's bullshit according to Gunner. Oh, and the kicker? We find out (After Penn and Lucas get into ANOTHER fight) that this is also because Gunner lives the authentic medieval lifestyle.
In a mansion.
In Thailand.
Thankfully, though, Gunner is not stupid enough to forget time is wasting and actually gets Jenna to use the internet to find Elaine's sister, Krista...because she has the same middle name as Elaine's last!
...it's ironic this movie has the “Internet can do magic” plot...
Speaking of Krista, she (Elidh MacQueen) goes to investigate the dojo while Lucas goes off and practices for when he has to do the stunt show for the local county fai---I mean “Swing the important weapons around for reasons other than the director said pad out the movie!” We then jump to...I think Georgina (Tanja Keller, if it is), I don't remember hearing her name even once...talking to Mordred about the family, namely she is glad to hear she's related to one of the knights after all. He knows this simply because the glove in her hands, Mordred's, said so as we get exposition about aliens and he doesn't know that he's human anym---
Does this matter? We're not gonna get aliens in this thing, anyway.
This causes to Mordred to dive into Georgina's(?) personal issues, leading him to saying if she uses the glove on him, she can learn everything about him since he can't use it on himself for...reasons. She does so as the alien tech uploads into her brain and just drives her to touch him like he said and this was all to...have Mordred try to confirm if he has a soul? What?
No, really, where the Hell did this come from? I feel like we're missing a movie, here.
Meanwhile, our white...Thailand...medieval...dude...translates for Penn that it means they're gonna fight a dragon as it turns out the sister they're all looking for is in the astro-institute of Thailand...the whole time...without the family knowing who she is.
Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why did the knights move to Thailand?
But Morgana finds 'em right after that, causing her to...flicker the lights like the first grade class won't shut up, oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The rest of her undead horde start attacking...
Glad at least SOMEBODY can see the fight in this dark thing.
And if you do see this and don't like the dark, don't worry! It starts to strobe after a bit. Off, on, off, on, head, ache, head, ache.
For crying out loud, you would think EVEN a studio like the Asylum wouldn't make Thailand look so dirt cheap, and yet the Asylum is THAT inept, especially in 2017.
Things look bad when Penn gets stabbed, but that's until Krista shows up guns a blazzin' and rescuing them, causing Gunner to ask how she was able to find them. Gee...I don't know...a white guy living in one of the biggest mansions in Thailand, trying to live an Eastern Medieval lifestyle? Maybe she went to the OTHER white guy living in one of the biggest mansions in Thailand trying to live an Eastern Medieval lifestyle. THERE'S SO MANY! So, after having Penn drink from the grail, Krista reveals her back story and, clunky story (Including saying the cops told her where they are) short, she was adopted by Elaine's family and when she learned about the grail, she wanted to use it to heal...Elaine wanted to use it for money. Well, turns out her family leaned on the side of the sister that wanted to heal, so she jacked the grail and made the fortune off of it until the whole thing with a bubble in her head.
You hear that kids, greed means immortal human aliens will kill you!
It turns out between Morgana being sent to orbit and now, the grail SOMEHOW turned into the Holy Grail and with Penn healed, they're off to Krista's home, New Camelot.
Great! Why's it in Thailand?
They head over to the random building the scouts found to be this New Camelot and it turns out it's armed to the teeth as there's guns, guns, and more Arthurian guns! So, it turns out to keep the sword hidden, Merlin melted it down and turned it into the grail, changing it's properties to be more healing based as it was passed down from his family line to where it is now.
Great! Why are they in Thailand?
Now the plan is to turn the grail back into the sword and get ready to kill Morgana with it!
And the guns. The lots of guns.
Well, now we have a new problem, as it turns out the sword can only go to the one with the strongest link to Arthur's bloodline...and if you've been paying attention to PENN's name, you can guess better than these morons who it is, because Gunner jumps in and goes “ME! ME! I DID THE LARPING! I GOT A MANSION FROM BEING SMRT ABOUT THIS STUFF! I EVEN LIVE A EUROPIAN LIFESTYLE IN AN ASIAN COUNTRY! ME, ME, ME” to try to claim it.
I am not even kidding, he even says “I've devoted my whole life to this,” even with Penn revealing that his ancestry said his link was to one of the other knights, which Gunner had this look of “Oh, you totally 100% are not absolutely linked to something I intentionally did not rig to make me not look more awesome than I already am.” Sure enough, as soon as he puts his hand in the magic pot, the magic pot shows Gunner is full of shit as it starts burning his hand in searing pain. Gunner, because he's that LARP guy that we all know would go nuts and not shut up if he was revealed to have medieval blood, refuses to let go...until his arm looks less like an arm and more like a project made out of meatloaf.
Morgana shows up with Lucas ready to shoot...only for Morgana to have her Dalek shield up and running, taking out Lucas.
Again, for an implication of being protected by magic, the alien stuff seems to be doing fine kicking our ass.
Everybody else tries to stop her, except Mordred gets a shot in the nuts, the one lady I can't identify gets KO'd with Lucas, and Gunner gets gutted. Penn, who managed to get the sword from the gold...
It's The Asylum, they somehow made Thailand look like they filmed in the park six blocks away, remember?
...and runs Excalibur through Morgana! And...Oh God, I can't believe what I'm about to type...this is enough to actually cause her to grow into a giant alien robot mecha thing and starts rampaging through Bangkok, breathing fire because...well, nothing says dragon like giant alien robot that was once human because magic sci-fi thing.
After trying to blow it up with a bazooka didn't work, Penn figures he has to climb the giant robot not a dragon but is supposed to be a dragon Morgana thing to try to remove the sword because, get this, the magic is now POWERING UP THE SCI-FI MYSTICAL ALIEN DRAGON BY METAPHORE THING. Considering this was the year of a later Sharknado, you'd think I'd be having fun with what I'm describing, but 2017 was one of the last years the Asylum took everything BUT Sharknado as serious as a heartattack, meaning while one is stupid for the right reasons, this thing is stupid for the WRONG reasons.
Penn pulls the sword from the Morgana-bot...
...yeah...
...as Mordred knocks out Georgina(?) from incoming bad CGI robo crud, dying in the process but not before Penn knights up thus redeeming the guy. Again, I don't know where this part of the story came from, just roll with it, it's almost over. And even if it wasn't, the whole redemption thing seems pointless because Mordred literally feels the flames of Hell all over his body! Yes, folks, even the afterlife regards saving a life directly AND saving millions from your giant robo alien magic dragon mom “He did that ONE thing.”
The knights' decedents recites the oath...oh, and if you're wondering about that whole thing where Gunner and Penn had the wrong genealogy, not followed up on!
Yeah, it's 2017 Asylum movie, there you go with that thinking again.
I have looked up and down all over the internet, and all I can conclude from my own opinions and what I know about the studio was this HAD TO have been a vacation written off as a tax expense. Bunch of staff wanted to hang out in Thailand, new King Arthur movie due out that year, BAM, money saved by a studio who's motto is “Grandma don't know the difference.” It's all over the place, inept, poorly acted, choriographed worse than the final day of a Six Flags' stunt show, and plot hole after plot hole after plot hole.
It's one thing if all their families moved to Thailand to hide the magic...except they didn't.
It's one thing if the magic moved to Thailand, setting up New Camelot and why everybody felt like they had to be there...but it didn't.
And you'd think there'd be a bigger impact of Morgana learning from aliens, or even her BRINGING aliens as an idea...nope.
And only, ONLY THE ASYLUM can still make shooting in a place like Thailand like shooting at the park six blocks away from the studio.
If this is the end result, part of me wants to know how the vacation went.
One movie set in Bangkok,
And the story's a cluster.
The budget is $250, but the vacation's free.
One movie set in Bangkok,
And it badly shot.
Makes me wish I had some pot.
I can smell the stench of an awful plot.
FINAL VERDICT: For looking like a typical Asylum movie despite the location, for WASTING the location, for more plot holes than Swiss cheese, bad fighting, dumb dialog, this movie gets a MEGA-ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! You have to TRY to be in somewhere like Thailand and still look like you filmed it before Z-Nation had to use the set. Now, if you'll excuse me, a group from Japan has stopped by Chicago and are trying to find this mystical dagger that can kill a Nobunaga that came up from Atlantis. Isn't that right?
"Oui, nous devons l'arrêter avant qu'il ne se transforme en sous-marin terrestre !"
...this may take awhile...
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