Usually for April, I set the month
aside to review parodies or rip offs. First year, I did the Asylum,
second year I did Chipmunks Go To The Movies, an
entire season of the 80's revival of Alvin & The
Chipmunks that were nothing but
movie parodies, vs. their originals, third I tried the Asylum
again...and damn near quit reviewing all together because the
stinkers I picked were just HORRIBLE to begin with.
So,
this year, to filter things out, let's try both! Two Asylum movies,
two parodies, and let's get the ball rolling with...oh sweet merciful
crap... the 1967 Casino Royal...it's
too early to wish I was so drunk...
By
1967, the James Bond franchise had became such a hit, it was decided
by producer Charles Feldman to adapt the first novel, Casino
Royal, into
a movie regardless that the major right holders of the Bond franchise
at the time, and still are, EON Productions. Well, rights or no
rights, he was gonna give us James Bond Year One...
Until he decided at the 11th hour to make it a comedy directed by SIX
DIRECTORS...
More on that later.
...that would actually be a parody of the franchise. How 11th hour
was this? Well, when it was originally supposed to be a drama, they
got Peter Sellers to sign his contract under the idea that he was
gonna finally show the world he could do more than shout that he can
walk or be a bumbling inspector...only to find out what he signed got
turned into a comedy and there was no way out...so he just decided
NOT to be in a comedy. More on that later.
Folks, when I say this stinker is bad, I don't just mean on the
screen, but behind it too. In fact, this review is either gonna be
long because to explain how we got this mess, I have
to...uh...explain how we got this mess, OR I'll have to break it into
two parts.
So we open on Bond (Peter Sellers) meeting an agent at one of those
things that's set up to help ya use the bathroom when you can't find
one...with the joke being he shows his papers where his junk is as a
bunch of school kids walk by.
After we get a nice song from Burt Backarach and opening titles
that...well...spoil the movie...
Well, no need to watch, bye!
...ok, fine...
...we go to the English country side where four delegates made up of
M (John Huston), CIA man Ransome (William Holden), member of France's
Deuxieme Bureu Legrand (Charles Boyer), and KGB man (Kurt Kazaner)
later identified as Smernov...
Because Vodka would be too damn obvious.
...heading to Bond's. We get some exposition that hints that the
name's been passed down as we're introduced to the “Original”
James Bond (David Niven, who has a stutter for some reason in the
first act) as he not only deduces all the gadgets and weapons the
delegates have, but decides to take a shot at Sean Connery, as he
mentions how he hates that M-16 gave his name and number to that
“Sexual deviant.”
Ok, I'll give the movie that joke since Niven, no joke, was one of
the people in the running for Bond during the pre-production of Dr.
No, so to me, I think that shot was more for him than anybody.
After calling everybody out for their gadgets, and Bond getting
called out for the call out, he then points out that while time
passes outside his walls, he doesn't have to worry about that by
taking them outside (After waiting for a costume change) to show them
a black flower that has grown in one spot, never changing. They beg
him to come back, but he refuses to hear them...because it's time to
play a particular song with his past...oh God...his past...
Ok, with what I'm about to write up here, please keep this in mind:
This thing is set in the then modern day of 1967. Got that? 1967.
I wouldn't keep pointing out this was set in 1967 except there's a
backstory that'll cause your brain to SCREAM “Wait, this is 1967”
until you hit a wall.
So the delegates talk about why Bond not only quit but refuses to go
back, when M and Legrand reveal the truth: Turns out Bond did have a
one true love back in his spying days. However, because of his deuty
and the reveal that she was an enemy spy, he had to turn her in
leading to her execution, thus he vowed to never be a spy again.
That woman? Mata Hari. The one who died in 1917. That sound of
your frontal lobes shutting down in protest is normal...and it'll get
worse.
Eventually, Bond sticks to his vow, even refusing a direct order from
the queen, causing M to signal for the British army to blow up his
house, thus forcing Bond to re-sign...only for it to backfire,
killing him and the other delegates, thus causing Bond to head to M's
home castle in Scotland. This causes the agents of the evil
organization, SMESH...
Which...sounds like a drunk movie goer trying to tell you to keep
quiet...
...to storm the castle and place in agents in disguise, with the only
one with a convincing accent to take the lead, Mimi (Deborah Kerr)
but the gag is that it's obviously fa---wait a minute...
*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*
Kerr's Scottish...she's playing somebody who does the Scottish accent
badly...how stupid can---no, no, I don't want that answered, I don't
want that answered.
Anyway, it's revealed the only thing left of M is his toupee, so when
Bond asks what they're gonna do with it, all Mimi can say is that
it's a family hairloom...
OW! OW! PUN HURT ME! PUN HURT ME! OW! OW!
After more weirdness from the castle being full of young red heads...
Ok, somebody on staff was happy that day.
...to the family tradition of eating Goat Hagass, Bond gets ready for
bed only for two of the red heads taking off his clothes as part of a
plot to make him look like a sex fiend to the rest of the world!
This includes a young red head, hinted to be 17, in the tub “Testing
the temp,” and scrubbing ALL the bits....
All for moving o---thank you!
So the next phase of the plan calls for them to do a drunken
celebration of M's life...which calls for the agents to actually GET
drunk...kinda counter productive of the plan, but ok...while Bond is
able to drink the whole (Fake) clan under the table... in some cases
literally as two of 'em fell under the table. I guess holding your
liquor when applying for spying is optional.
Well, pedophilia didn't work, getting him shitfaced backfired, so
it's time for straight up seduction...only for that not to work, so
now comes the “Try to embarrass” part as the penalty for refusing
to bed the widow is Celtic games...complete with Mimi yelling “Play
ball...” ok...
So, the first go around has Bond going up against these giant
Scotsmen tossing literal stones...only for the giants to do
everything from break the floor to their dang fool heads and each
other due to the weight of the stones. Meanwhile, Bond is able to
lift them just fine...which causes Mimi to suddenly speak French. I
guess staying undercover is filed under the same optional features as
staying sober. After showing off that Bond can break the styrof---I
mean “Stone” ball, we jump to the next day as the girls rig a
hunt to kill him while Mimi is locked up by said girls thanks to
falling in love with him.
Keep this in mind, it will hurt later. By God, it will hurt later.
Mimi breaks out, complete in her evening gown and...mud boots...
Unique bed time combination...
...to help Bond out by sending the exploding birds back to the girls,
while answering that they were ordered to corrupt him or kill him by
the International Mothers' Help, East Berlin.
Insert Million Moms joke here.
In the conflict, Mimi gets wounded and acts...well...OVER acts like
she's about to bite the dust when in reality she's...becoming a
nun...and no, there is NO reason given...other than to have Niven in
his boxers fall over as he says good bye. After a failed
assassination attempt, Bond goes back to M-16 where he meets Money
Penny's daughter (Barbra Bouchet) who, after a kiss Bond suddenly
springs on her...
It's the 60's, women weren't people yet.
...informs him that her mom became a nun, causing Bond to say it's
all the rage...OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, that's why Mimi became a nun, this
joke! HAHAHA...ha...ha...all the joy in life just got sucked out of
me...
Anyway, Bond declares that he has no time to stammer...which is what
we get for why he no longer stutters...as he now has M's job and is
going over the agents that have bit the dust in various parts of the
world as we jump to one still alive, Bond's own nephew, Jimmy Bond
(Woody Allen) and we get to the ONE of the main problems with this
movie.
I'm gonna one two skip a few since the plot factors in as to why they
did this: Bond gets the idea to assign multiple people the name James
Bond to trick SMESH into coming out in the open at one point and get
them. Thing is, that means each agent has their own segment...and
each segment has their own director...SIX DIRECTORS IN TOTAL. While
it's one thing when a movie has a co-director, six is just asking for
trouble...especially if all six only have SOME of the script.
Yeah, in a real life case of par for the stupid, each director was
only given a section of script, so they had no clue what came before
or how what they did tied into the overall movie. This caused a LOT
of stress on set, to the point where everybody was fighting each
other, on top of the six directors fighting each other already. Top
it all off, the sixth director WASN'T EVEN PLANNED TO BEGIN WITH!
Production on this thing to so SNAFU'd, that an uncredited director
(Richard Talmadge) had to step in.
Again, this is ONE of the main problems. ONE!
Jimmy's segment is pretty much all the “Nervous characters Woody
Allen plays as a secret agent” so I think I can skip most of it.
So, Bond has a plan: Since all the agents seem to die in sexual
related acts, find an agent that be trained to resist women! But
it's the 60's and since all agents are supposed to be straight, this
means a gag where Money Penny's daughter gets a row of men and kisses
all of them to find the right one!
I had to watch it, I had to type it, you had to read it, I don't know
who hurts more.
So she winds up bedding one of the guys, Coop (Terence Cooper) thus
meaning...he gets the job? I thought it was supposed to be somebody
who RESIS---oh, right, 60's, women not people yet. Yeah, bedding the
judge to get here suddenly makes sense. Bond then announces the
aforementioned plans to turn all the agents into 007, including the
women, to trick SMESH while Coop goes to his resistance
training...meaning various women try to seduce him and if he can
ignore them, the plan is a success!
Again, 60's, women not people yet.
At first it's going great, until The Detainer (Daliah Lavi) shows up
and both view the judo tossing as flirtation. Meanwhile, Bond goes
to see Vesper Lynd (Ursula Andress), who left the service to trade in
stocks, bonds, and weapons. He asks her, in exchange for a write
off, to help him get a well known gambler known as Evelyn Tremble,
the James Bond from the opening. And we get to the SECOND main
problem of this movie.
Peter Sellers signed on to Casino Royale back when the plan
was for it to be a straight up adaptation, a more traditional James
Bond movie. He was so happy that he got the part because it would
show off that he could do more than comedy, that he was THE actor of
his time...then the 11th hour change to a comedy happened.
Well, not deterred, Sellers decided right then and there he wouldn't
be in a comedy. Oh no, he obviously honored his contract, he just
decided not to act like he was in a comedy. Almost everything he
does in this thing is 100% with the idea that he signed up for a
drama behind it because he did sign up for a drama. This was just
ONE of the problems production had with Sellers and factored into his
firing halfway through filming. I'll get to the other problem later.
So, Tremble goes into Lynd's ap---wait...I know this song...
...yeah...that's the “Look Of Love,” a classic love song that's
been passed from generation to gen---WAIT A MINUTE!
*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*
THIS is where it comes from!? This freakin' mess of a movie!? THIS
IS HOW THE WORLD GOT THE SONG!?
I just got knocked so stupid, I can't do math anymore.
They then go to her underground sex room where she tells him to put
on different outfits to see how he looks in disguise, including
Hitl---LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY! THE INVISIBLE NOT HITLER
BUNNY BEHIND YOU!
Yeah...remember, Sellers went in with the intent of acting like he
was still in a drama...
After being told that he's being hired to play Baccarat against one
of the world's top players, we jump to the James Bond school where he
runs into Q (Geoffery Bayldon) and...a few bad jokes including a guy
dressed as a lawn gnome being the head of security, a hat the fires a
gun backfiring with bird whistle.
After seeing Tremble fixed for gadgets, we jump back to Bond who
finds out the whole Mothers thing was just a SMESH cover operation.
Thus, they need to recruit somebody they won't expect that can join
it or other cover groups, thus Bond decides to go to a hidden temple
to recruit his own daughter: Mata Bond (Joanna Pettet)!
Hey! I can do math again! (Reads last paragraph) ...oh God...I can
do math again...
Yeah...despite the year Hari was executed, despite the age of the
actress (And the character), and all the years in between, this
is...SOMEHOW...the daughter of Mata Hari and James Bond. Oh, and the
real kick in the pants? She's a bad dancer to boot, as we see her
introduction has her mostly...well...
That.
So the two have a talk, revealing everything from everybody at the
temple views her as a Goddess to that if Bond wasn't her dad,
she'd...
...not touching that one. Nope. Not even going for the joke.
Moving on.
She gets recruited and takes a tax---wait... (Sees the driver)
...Benard Cribbins!? I wonder if between this and the second Dalek
movie he thought about firing his agent...
Anyway, she takes a taxi to West Berlin...complete with water damage
and sea weed, ha, ha...and after arguing with the driver for change,
she goes into the Mothers building, revealing it to be one long
parody of German expressionism right down to the hall way being The
Cabinet of Dr. Caligri...
No, I have no idea what that OR German expressionism as a full have
to do with Bond.
..where she meets her mom's teacher (Anna Quayle) and the teacher's
sidekick (Ronnie Corbett). They then inform her, while giving a
grand tour, that the building, which is really the Mata Hari Dance
School, is very democratic...as in they train spies for both sides of
the iron curtain.
Well, they can at least say they don't discriminate.
They then show her a couple of rooms, an all red room for decoding
done by blond women...
Because German Expressionism.
...and a karate class set on fast forward in an all white room while
the students dress in black.
Because German Expressionism.
After the sidekick tries to get in bed with Mata, complete with him
spilling the beans on SMESH'S financial officer, Le Chiffre, and
stumbling onto Mata Hari's teacher who tells her about an auction
made up of pictures that both the Commies AND the Capitalists bid on
for later use. Oh, and be clad I don't do the dialogue verbatim
during this entire bit, it'll just drive you around the bend and make
you dumber in the process.
The taxi driver shows up to get Mata Bond out of the auction room and
reveals he's a spy with the Foreign Office and has orders for her to
stop the auction by any means...and those means are to snatch the
pictures and play old war footage because everybody there is stupid
enough to think it's an actual war. After a brawl that includes
Hari's teacher dying from a gun of a dead World War I solider...
I...I don't know.
...she escapes with the film, and after seeing that the sewers sing
“What's New Pussycat...”
...decides to take the cab all the way back to London. When the
auctioneer fails to get the pictures back, he calls Le Chiffe (Orson
Wells) who says the only way to get the cash back is to play
baccarat, right before blowing the auctioneer up. We then jump
Tremble's part as Bond as he...punches a customs official for no
given reason...ok...we then lead to Q talking to Tremble under the
cover of being at a car wash where...several women are trying to hump
the car...
Ok, I might as well get to the THIRD major problem this movie had...
As stated before, Sellers refused to act as if he was in a comedy, so
he played his part as if he was still in the drama he was promised.
Well, when he saw the production was sliding into comedy, AND he was
getting more paranoid that people were stealing his spotlight, he
hired some of his friends to do some re-writes for his parts. What
was rewritten and what was the original, I have no clue as the inept
of one SOMEHOW bled into the inept of the other.
Sometime after getting settled into his room, he's then introduced to
SMESH agent Miss Goodthighes (Jacqueline Bisset) and if I have to
explain the joke, you also need an explanation for the name Plenty
O'Toole. She tries to spike his drink, he tries to counter it...but
the counter doesn't work as he's knocked out, leading to a dream
sequence music video...and no, this isn't the worst thing to cause a
movie to stop. That comes later. Oh, and this sequence includes
Tremble literally playing Lynd like a piano.
Wait, so if a woman tells me to player like a fiddle, does that mean
I have to use actual strings?
After Lynd wakes him up, we jump to the casino itself where Le
Chiffre is on a baccarat winning streak...and suddenly decides to
pull magic tricks, which leads to the FOURTH problem with this movie.
Around this time, Wells became interested (And obsessed) with magic,
so when he agreed to sign on to the movie, he had one major
condition: Several minutes to do his magic acts, on camera, with no
editing. The people behind this thing really wanted him, so they
said ok. So, yes, to get Wells on screen for several minutes, the
movie has to come to a screeching, grinding halt so we can see Wells
levitate a woman. After that trick, Tremble drops off the cash he's
going to bet with and then goes into the office of the head of the
casino (Colin Gordon) where, via both a one way mirror and security
footage, Tremble reveals Le Chiffe's use of infa-red glasses to know
what cards are being delt right before heading to the table...leading
to problem NUMBER FIVE!
As I said earlier, EVERYBODY was fighting and feuding with each other
during production, but nobody more so than Wells and Sellers, which
made filming the baccarat scene with them together, something that
had to be done, impossible. It all started when the Queen's sister,
Princess Margret, arrived on set. Sellers already knew the woman,
greeted her...and she blew past him because he was drooling over
Wells, thus rushing to see him. On top of that, Sellers was becoming
paranoid AND superstitious around this time, thus thinking Wells
doing magic tricks was causing some supernatural chaos during
production.
More like stopping the film, but ok.
All of these together caused Sellers to VOW to never film with Wells
again, so the crucial baccarat scene the two had to two together had
to be filmed separately, or mild hostility would be turned to
HOSPITAL hostility.
I'd mention how it makes the scene awkward and almost horrible to
watch, but Wells and his magic tricks just keep going, and going, and
going...
Finally...FINALLY...the game starts rolling, complete with the BRIEF
shots of them actually being together (BEFORE all the drama),
and...I'll admit, the honest to God baccarat playing was tense and I
was hanging on every moment. But it doesn't take long for the screw
up, as after Tremble wins the game, Lynd is kidnapped, thus
Tremble...has to change into a race driver's uniform and go into a
Lotus 3 while speaking in rhyme?
I know I already used it once, but this movie...
We then see...Tremble captured by Le Chiffe with no
explanation...uh...ok...which leads to one of the most tripped out
sequences in the movie, and helps put it under the “Psychedelic
Comedy” territory, as Tremble sees nothing but women projected on
his face, mannequins, and suddenly finds himself dressed in a
Scottish bagpiper's outfit. He then looks out the window and sees
himself calling for help before he's in the middle of a bagpiper's
parade...that has Peter O'Toole...ok...admittedly, there's a funny
bit where after Toole asks Tremble if he's Richard Burton, he says
HE'S Peter O'Toole, causing the real guy to call him the finest man
that ever lived...
Ugh, I'm just giving a summary and I feel like I'm having the acid
trip.
It then turns out Lynd is in the crowd and shoots them when they
start attacking Tremble. This leads to her attack Tremble on the
grounds that the production staff had enough of Sellers's antics and
fired him half way through filming. We then jump back to London,
where Bond tells Mata to wait outside of MI-6, leading SMESH to do
this elaborate kidnapping involving a UFO. Bond figures it out right
away and tries to have the air force follow it, only for it to lose
them...but Mimi shows up in time as a nun seeking donations, and uses
the recept to tell Bond that Mata is in Casino Royale.
I normally say I heard of dumber ways of call backs and payoffs...but
no...no...this is the dumbest...
I am 8 pages in and all I feel like I'm doing is saying “NOT FUNNY”
over and over and over and---
Bond and Moneypenny's daughter go to the casino and the main office,
only to be ambushed in a fight sequence that reveals the office is
actually an elevator that takes the two to the underground SMESH
base, where after killing a duplicate Bond robot, they meet the
actual SMESH leader, Dr. Noah...
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
...aka JIMMY BOND! ...wait...huh?
Yes, turns out Jimmy, due to his own self confidence issues, made a
virus that turns women into babes and kills any men over 4 feet.
Jimmy has Bond and Moneypenny's daughter taken away while he...looks
over a naked Detainer...uh...wait, when did she get captured?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Of all the things to bring back from previous reviews...
Anyway, he then goes on to explain what we already know, including
his jealousy over his uncle, and various shtick including falling off
a rodeo machine. He then reveals one of his greatest creations: A
pill that turns whoever swallows it into a walking nuke with each
hiccup counting down to destruction. He then reveals his other great
plan: Kidnap the world's leaders and replace them with fakes!
It's politics, would anybody know the difference?
She then spikes his drink with his pill just as Bond, Coop, Mata, and
Moneypenny's daughter bust out of their cell. After a fight that
results in the base starting to self destruct, they run down the hall
and run into the Detainer and...Frankenstein's monster?
I know what you're gonna say. Yes. ALL the drugs.
They get back to the casino with the Detainer taking the back
way...why the others don't, I don't know...with Bond ready to call
for backup only for Lynd to stop the call. But it, or the “It's
for love” quote she gives for SOME reason, doesn't matter, as the
American aid arrives...in the form of cowboys...
Oh God, here we go.
While the cowboys and the SMESH agents start fighting, Jimmy is
counting how many hiccups until boom, somebody launches a flying
roulette wheel with bubbles, a monkey in a wig pops out from under
that table...ok...everybody's smiling and laughing due to the
bubbles/laughing gas from the wheel, one of the fighters gets tossed
into a room where women are painted gold...
Gotta shove a Bond parody in somehow.
...a plane labeled 007 launches stereotypes of Native
Americans...complete with their parachutes being tepees...into the
casino, somebody who was thought dead earlier pops in, the keystone
cops are called in, the Native Americans do a tribal dance, there's
two seals with collars that read 007---
*HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK*
THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANDS, I CAN STANDS NO MORE! I'M
UPPING THIS WRAP!
…
*HEADDESK*
WRAPPING THIS UP!
The Casino eventually goes boom, as all the Bonds wind up in Heaven,
even Jimmy, until cut footage of Peter Sellers shows up and blows on
Jimmy, thus causing him to go down to Hell and this
finally...mercifully...ends!
I'm dumber. I'm officially dumber. And chances are, you are too,
but at least you have me as a buffer, where as I had to watch this
mess that actually caused one of the people who worked on it, Charles
K. Feldman, to have heart problems that wound up killing him two
years later. Yes, this thing is so horrible, it actually killed a
man!
Killed a few of my brain cells, I know that!
It's unfunny, uneven, unfunny, inept, unfunny, stupid, unfunny,
moronic, unfunny, badly written, and above all else, UNFUNNY! Spy
parodies in the hands of people who know what they're doing can, and
have, worked, but this was changed at the 11th hour and it shows.
This was done by multiple directors and the results speak for
themselves. Top it all off, things are left unresolved, unexplained,
and nobody cared...and frankly, nether do I. This mess is over, it's
done with, and I don't EVER wanna watch again. Nobody was happy
working on this thing, and I can see why. Talented people are
wasted, funny people aren't funny, things happen at random for the
sake of happening at random, and this was just stupid stupid STUPID!
FINAL VERDICT: For being unfunny, stupid, painful to watch, fatal to
one of the producers, and left a bad taste in everybody's mouth from
those who worked on it to those who watched, this movie gets a WORLD
DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Hands down, one of the worst parodies I
have ever seen, including the Movie-Movie ones. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I need to remind myself I can laugh again, so I'm gonna
pop in It's Pat just to FEEL something.
