B-Movie Bomb: Unfrosted (Spoilers)

There's an unwritten rule in Hollywood when it comes to making parody films, especially if it's in response to something, and sequels: Don't make it out of spite.

Spite movies have a tendency to, to put a fine point on it, blow chunks. When you do something out of “OH YEAH!? WELL, WATCH THIS,” it has a tendency to suck because the focus isn't on the movie's story, jokes, and/or plot. It's main focus is to stick it to the last/a particular movie, so things tend to suffer on the grounds of whoever making it, be it the writer, director, producer, or all of 'em, it's not being made to entertain, it's being made to flip off.

Scary Movie 4 sucked...

Exorcist 2: The Heretic sucked...

Jane Austen's Mafia sucked (I mean, c'mon, the title's joke is because the 90's was good for Jane Austin adaptations, what does that say for the rest of the movie?)

You get the point. So, yeah, you can guess why Jerry Seinfeld's response to Barbie came out as Unfrosted, things got soggy. Hey, the movie does way worse, ok?

Yes, Jerry Seinfeld made his directorial debut on Netflix with what was, by his own admission, a Barbie movie for the dudes because he thinks dudes should have their own version of Barbie. If your two responses are “But isn't Barbie an all dude movie on the grounds that it's about growing up but never forgetting the childhood that made you” or “With cereal?” Congrats! You figured out why this spite movie sucks!

The whole point of a movie like Barbie is the simplest one as movies have done this plot for decades upon decades: Growing up sucks, either enjoy your childhood or never forget what of it shaped you. Big, 17 Again, 13 going on 30, etc, They all have the same moral but approach it in a different way. Why do you think the ending joke in Barbie exists?

When you make something like Unfrosted, you're not focused on that part. The focus is “Hey, why can I make a 60's pop culture movie for dudes if babes got this?” Of course, when the first thought in your head is “Pop Tarts,” you already lost the plot.

And taken a few other things to get a craving for those Pop Tarts, but mainly lost the plot.

So, the movie opens with a runway kid going into a dinner where he meets Jerry Seinfeld's self insert No. Who The Hell Cares At This Point, Bob Cabana. Bob will be our legal substitute for William Post on the grounds that Netflix or Seinfeld never got the legal ok to play William Post's estate. Yes, it's a parody, but Post still has an estate that can sue Seinfeld's ass. Given what's about to happen, I think it's wise both he and Netflix erred on the side of “The family might not like this...”

And before anybody asks, unlike when this happened with Diana: The Musical, I KNOW it's supposed to be a parody...which I'm gonna get the main problem with this out of the way now...there's gonna be only so many times I can write, and you can read, “This is not funny.”

The problem with pointing out a bad comedy is that it boils down to one thing: The reason it sucks is that it's not funny. It's easier to rip to shreds a bad drama, action movie, etc or something where comedy is a sub-genre because those are bad for multiple reasons (Unintentionally funny, overbearing, action movies with no action, predictable mystery, etc). Bad comedy just boils down to one thing, even if it's something like acting or writing as it's connected TO that one thing: It's not funny. It's not impossible to MAKE something like that funny, MST3K did an entire ep with the comedy Catalina Caper, and it turned out to be a classic...except Joel and the others said it was damn near hard to write and rarely tried it again.

Back to the story and when Bob sees the kid is a runaway, they make small talk and it leads to the movie proper as the majority of it is a flashback to explain how the Pop Tart was invented. Ya know, I can't help but think the last time I saw Kellogg in a movie was The Road To Wellville, where it played up how nuts the corn flake inventor (Yes, really, the movie played up the legit insanity of John Harvey Kellogg) for dark humor and laughs...and failed miserably and royally sucked.

We're about to watch a lighter comedy with the Kellogg name in it. I anticipate more blandness than an actual corn flake.

We see Bob get to work and meet his boss, the “Made up relative so the real estate and their lawyers can't sue us over him, either” boss of Kellogg, Edsel (Ha, ha, ha) Kellogg III (Jim Gaffigan) as they talk about the upcoming cereal award, the Bowl & Spoon. Except Bob feels...off...that their neighbors across the street (No, really), Post, might be up to something...which he shrugs off because we got gags to get to!

And warning you right now, do not operate heavy machinery if you watch this movie after seeing said “Gags.” First such said “gag?” Well, turns out Thurl Ravencroft (Hugh Grant) is causing trouble because he just can't find the right way to promote Frosted Flakes, even tells Bob this...until Ravencroft says an idea would be “GRRRRRRRRREAT” and BAM, catchphrase Bob'll take to the lab, which Ravencroft REALLY wants to see...except he's told there's no lab. Also, keep in mind what I just summed up, because it's gonna hurt...

NOW as the next people Bob run into are none other than Snap (Kyle Mooney), Crackle (Mikey Day), and Pop (Drew Traver), and they demand a few things, namely a raise and being able to put out an album. Bob's reply is to say he can replace them with ANY noises and tells them to beat feet. Yes, this implies Snap, Crackle, and Pop are real...shortly after confirming Tony The Tiger is a character played by an actor.

*CRACK*

OW! OW! MY NECK! THE WHIPLASH! OW!

Never mind the fact that this is an uneven form of writing (From a PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN...or TWO as Spike Feresten co-wrote the screenplay with Seinfeld), but this went from a somewhat grounded parody to a fantasy parody...and it gets even more insane (In a bad way) from here. Now, you can make the excuse that this is all from the kid's POV. The movie establishes that the most of the running time is a flashback told to this kid by Bob. Kid's have wild imaginations, even gets some info wrong, and if they're either born sometime after certain events, to borrow a quote from Todd In The Shadows, “Everything gets put in the past.” Everything gets lumped together as the *BLANK* decade, so it's natural that a kid would make that literal.

Except an ending punchline will prove that moot as it implies, yes, everything I'm about to sum up ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

We then get to the Spoon and Bowel awards, where we meet the head of Post, the 76-year-old Marjorie Post, played by...43-year-old Amy Schemer...

…

…

Ok, if you're expecting the “At least the performance should make up any issues and she can be funny” gag...

These clips explain it all. No, what I wanna point out is that, like Ravencroft, Post is one of the few REAL WORLD characters in this thing that had to change a lot of names and faces so any estates or living people wouldn't serve Seinfeld or Netflix because...well, we'll get to that nugget in a bit when we get to the BIGGER nugget. So, either Revencroft and Post's estates are REALLY laxed on this stuff with humor, or there's some lawsuits that Netflix is REALLY burying.

After seeing that Quaker Oats is ran by real Quakers because Jerry Seinfeld can't resist making a bad joke, we see Kellogg's sweeps the awards and takes every trophy home, except Bob feels that something's off. That Post had something up her sleeve and was smiling less that she was confident that she'd win, and more “Enjoy your last night, boys.”

Or she knows what she'll dump on Netflix after this movie's over...

The next day, Bob sees kids digging in Post's trash and when he asks why they're doing this, it turns out they tossed out some stuff known as “The Goo.” This convinces both Bob and Edsel that Post cracked the one thing Kellogg's has yet to do...THE BREAKFAST PASTRY! After hiring a guy to look into it, they find out that the company swiped THEIR plans to make the pastry and wonder how that happened...

...followed by the gag that nobody in the room noticed the bulky 8 MM camera on the end of the janitor's mop. Ok, that's kinda funny.

Bob then knows it's time to fight back and wants his old no. 2 back in the job with him. The problem is she, Donna “Stan” Stankowski (Mellissa McCarthy) is working at NASA to give the future moon goers food they can actually eat out in space. After a joke that leads to the creation of Tang, the problem...is SOLVED as all Bob has to do is the ol' “C'mon!” bit, complete with the two thinking nobody is REALLY going to the moon.

I mean, we're already gonna parody the moon-landing in this thing, no need to have the ACTUAL thing when we got an unfunny substitute.

After getting the space to work from Edsel, Bob and Stan go to it with a team Stan selected...that we'll find out was on the bottom of the list because who she REALLY wanted got rejected or said no. They then have a press conference that echos the Moon-landing because Seinfeld wanted to stick it to Barbie. Who did she get? Well, in the words of Joe Bob Briggs, “Let's get to them drive-in totals.” We have...

-Fitness guru Jack LaLanne (James Marsden), one of the real world characters in this thing who is brought in to make sure things are healthy...by replacing the tons of sugar with high fructose corn syrup.

-Steve Schwinn (Jack McBrayer), a fictional version of one of the heads of Schwinn that you might know as a bike maker...which he is because he had no clue he got drafted to make a snack for kids.

-Chef Boyardee (Bobby Moynihan), another one of the real world characters, responsible for the line that created the pasta of the same name. He makes the most sense, so his gag is reserved for later...but is still not funny.

-Tom Carvel (Adrian Martinez), another one of the real world characters, the man who gave the world soft serve ice cream and Fudgie The Whale and Cookie Puss...and he's constantly exhausted, sour, and doesn't look happy to be there.

-UNIVAC: IBM's punch chard computer that...is a real asshole and can't stop reading when people are gonna die (Even predicts accurately one person dying during the announcement).

-Harold von Bruhut (Thomas Lennon), another one of the real world characters, the man who created Sea Monkeys...and was a real life white supremacists. Now, that means the jokes lean into that and that's fine, that's expected...but Seinfeld and Feresten take that one extra step that adds an uncomfortable layer and imply that he is not just an escaped Nazi, but an escaped Nazi that participated in the Holocaust.

Yes. Yes, really. In the response to the Barbie movie, we get this gem of a jo---

Guys...what the Hell is this? Look, I get dark humor, and I get that Nazis are part of that dark humor...

But most people will tell ya one thing about dark humor: There IS a line. The bit in RoboCop, for example, where the executive gets shot full of led from a malfunctioning robot and just keeps on going is hilarious for it, going into over the top territory. Now, replace that with an old lady or a kid, and it's no longer funny. Hell, expanding on that, that's why the death of the kid bad guy in RoboCop 2 was treated as a tragedy. Yeah, an evil mafia third-grader is ridiculous and does get some laughs, but a dead kid usually doesn't. So, now we're asked to laugh at the idea that Kellogg's is using a Nazi to make a kids' product.

And before anybody harps on me, I get the joke. NASA used ex-Nazis in their applied sciences and such, so it makes sense for the PARODY of the race to the moon to do the same thing...but then you have to think of the words “Nazi used to make kids' snack.”

Just because you can use a gag doesn't mean you should, and in this case, you REALLY shouldn't.

And case in point, after the press conference is over, Edsel wants to talk about how all of this might piss off the milk mafia! No, not the mafia that owns the milk company, the milk company BEING the mafia. Yeah, according to this movie, it turns out farmers just milked cows for fun and, as part of the “Fun,” would get a kick out of tossing the “White creamy stuff on women.”

RATED PG-13, YOU SAY!?

Did I also mention that this was supposed to be Seinfeld's response to “Boys/Men/Boomers not having their own Barbie?” Except...THEY DID, IT WAS CALLED BARBIE, AND BIG, AND 17 AGAIN (Twice! There was not just the Zac Effron/Mathew Perry one, but a Keannu Reeves/Robert Urich version decades before called Young Again)! Recall one of the problems I said with a spite movie, namely the focus isn't on the humor, it's how to one up a movie you didn't like. It's one thing if it was a horror movie or a drama, that's easy to rip to shreds and funny by accident. When it's a parody, something that's supposed to be funny by default, the jokes get lost as the focus isn't being funny, it's being “FUNNIER THAN,” something that curses spite parodies.

When the comedy focus is just being funny, it flows more naturally, if you happen to be funnier than something else, it comes normally through this. When you're more focused on being better/funnier than what you're spiting, the comedy gets lost as the focus isn't how you'll do the joke or the joke itself, but how the joke will top what came before and the focus isn't in a good way. Something that will be continued driven home as we get MORE of the kind of jokes that Seinfeld says should go into an adult/man's/boomer's version of Barbie.

Which, I remind you, WE ALREADY GOT!

We then go to everybody setting up their respective stations when Ravenscroft and his theater group pops in saying they rented the room for Ravenscroft's version of a classic play. Doesn't matter what the play is, I won't bother to look it up, because the main joke in this thing is Ravenscroft has an ego the size of Mars and actually hates/resents being Tony The Tiger. Boy, if I ever get an estate to handle my legal issues, I hope I don't have people THIS relaxed. I wonder if they're the same people that gave the ok for Diana's musical. Not only are they saying he was an egotistical asshole that only took the job to give cereal “More class,” but he, in reality, actually LOVED playing Tony The Tiger. He even kept playing the role until he died. I know this is a parody but that only goes so far in some areas, why do you think the creator of the Pop Tarts is Bob, the head of Kellogg's is Edsel, and Post is played by, and written to be, a woman several decades younger.

Shortly after this, Post calls a meeting of the cereal families and we see some more of the uneven writing, as once again we see Quaker Oats is owned by a Quaker...but General Mills is owned by...some random dude. No hints he's a general, not even a gag involving him taking command, just some rando business dude. Ya know, if this was from the POV of a kid, I have to question just how much of reality he gets if in his mind, Tony the Tiger and General Mills are normal people, but Snap, Crackle, and Pop and Quaker are taken to the other extreme. Post says they're ready with their pastry and it'll be out there ASAP, causing Bob to tell the team to hurry up!

Eventually, everybody works on something that...isn't breakfast related. Schwinn on a bike because, obvious. LaLane on silver pants to keep is “LaLane” in because the computer made a free balling joke earlier in the movie. Carvel on cakes because, obvious. And eventually, we get to Boyardee and Bruht who make a square pastery...that's living due to how Bruht makes sea monkeys.

On it's own, that last one hurts, but by God, will it hurt even worse later. I'll save a few paragraphs and say yes, this becomes a running bit as the creature gets older and Bruht and Boyardee try to find it. You'll thank me for not being detailed.

Bob tosses everything away when the computer says Post'll win, which is when he encounters the kids trying to find more addictive stuff in garbage bins, this time at Kellogg's and even inspiring the creation of the Rice Krispy Treat.

...the more I sum up this movie, I'm starting to wonder if we mistook “Seinfeld is unfunny” for a trope instead of a warning...

This causes the kids to remark how marshmallows and rice krispies combine two things into one, causing Bob and Stan to combine everybody's ideas into one in a really round about way that I won't summon here on the grounds that I don't wanna be sued for brain damage. During all of this, everybody realizes they need one key thing to make everything work: Lots and lots of sugar. And since sugar is white and powdery, yes, Seinfeld's script goes right to the cocaine joke as they fly down to South America to deal with the guy who supplies the stuff.

Am I gonna mention the guy, the scene, the credits on who's in it? Nope. All the movie has to do is say “They got the white powder,” but instead the we get an unfunny bit where we see the guy who controls it is nuts and kills a ventriloquist over his floor...well, more his dummy. Thank you, *BLEEP* you, NEXT!

Well, after Kellogg's gets the sugar, this alarms the milk mafia to the point where they call forth their finest Christian Slater cameo to remind him milk is good for repairing bones that MYSTERIOUSLY breaks. While he dismisses that, Post heads over to the USSR, where Khrushchev (Dean Norris...speaking Russian gibberish because...reasons...) exchanges the sugar for Post (Or her assistant) giving him a roll in ze hay. Yes, this is supposed to be Jerry Seinfeld's attempt to apply the Barbie idea to not only the space race, but the cold war itself.

Yeah, I have a better chance learning history from a game of BOTH Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors, and that franchise has several games that said at one point, a time portal took everybody and put 'em in a pocket reality to live their own lives for several years. Yes, really. And I get parody, I do, and you can make history funny, it's happened...the problem is that this ISN'T funny. Why is Dean Norris speaking fake Russian? Did we have to have a cocaine joke in something that takes place in the 60's? What's the point of the heads of two companies having a Romeo & Juliet story if it goes nowhere!?

If you're wondering why Seinfeld or his writers didn't think these things, remember, this was a spite movie because grown ass men wanted their own Barbie, so the focus on actual comedy took a backseat to “Beat that OTHER movie.”

Time passes and with both sides getting closer to making the pastry, the milk mafia steps in and takes Bob to their factory where their boss (Peter Dinklige, the ONLY person in this movie that's actually funny) gives the spiel that more or less says if Kellogg's doesn't back off, they'll do...something. To prove they'll do...something, they force Bob to run into where they keep the cows as they keep farting. For a movie that's supposed to make boomers laugh at the cold war, half the gags I type up kinda feels like it was made for 3 to 13-year-olds. After this, JFK (Bill Burr) calls everybody to the White House and tells 'em about Post going all commie for the sugar. Thus, it's now America Vs. Russia for a breakfast pastry!

This should be funny! Reducing the cold war to the snack isle should be hilarious! Symbolism for the real world does work in comedy...only that's when IT ACTUALLY HAS SOMETHING FUNNY!

JFK gets the milk mafia to leave them alone...and we get the implications that he's sleeping with the Double Mint Twins at the same time (Because he might have with Marilyn Monroe, ha, ha, ha...no, that's the joke...something I've seen done funnier in a parody of Nodding Hill made to explain Dr. Evil's origin), so it's time for them to use Schwinn to test the toasting ability of the Pop Tarts. This calls for him to be in a space suit, with oxygen, and in a house full of dummies to test this because space race parody. It works, but because we need to have this be a joke about the space race, Schwinn's hose leaks as a smoking dummy dog...

I...I don't know...

...causes the oxygen to explode, killing him instantly. This leads to a funeral where he's burred with “Cereal honors,” which calls for mascots to pop up, cover his coffin in milk, pour in corn flakes, and stir as Snap, Crackle, and Pop fold a bag that says “Free Prize” like the American flag. For those of you saying this isn't funny and what the Hell is going on, don't worry, you're not alone...HIS WIDOW DOES THE SAME DAMN THING!

One of the reasons a parody like Airplane or Robin Hood: Men In Tights work is that everybody acts like it's the norm at worst, takes it seriously at best. You didn't see the villagers in Men In Tights ask what a movie was, you saw them complain that EVERY Robin Hood movie tends to set their homes on fire. You don't see everybody around the jive talking passengers stare in shock when an old lady translates jive for them, they have a WHOLE COVERSATION IN JIVE. And yes, the joke CAN be called out in a parody, but there has to be one universal rule for that to work, and if I haven't been clear on that, the rule is it HAS TO BE FUNNY. If you're gonna go to the extreme like they did with Barbie, put the pedal to the metal and go in that direction!

And reminder: I didn't see Barbie. Barbie is not the first movie of it's type, but I saw a reverse of this “Joke” in the ads when she kept pointing to the thing that said she'd keep her easy life, and the guru kept saying “No, the hard life one.” THAT'S actually funny.

After seeing most of the groups the team pissed off over making the Pop Tarts watch them at the funeral...which...includes the Russians...but...they were dealing with Post...anyway, the trio find out that JFK is about to start the Bay of Pigs over sugar and...some nukes, I dunno. This causes Edsel to try to break peace with Post...only for that to shatter because, hey, we gotta have the running gag of the living food item thing.

After that goes no where (And a Mad Men cameo that REALLY goes nowhere), we see the mascots get fired for protesting the Pop Tarts, the two kids from the trash bin giving them the name Trip Pop or something, I don't care, I just wanna burn through this thing...but I can't because now we have to talk about the one thing that I know will get a certain group angry...

Jerry Seinfeld wants to use his boomer spite movie...to reference January 6th, 2020. Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld decides his movie about the 60's should have a modern reference to Jan. 6. Again, that's not the issue, satire does this all the time, but the execution on stuff like this has to be done with a def touch as it's a very sensitive subject. So, either the historical people and companies involved with this have a better sense of humor than me or this is an Escape From Tomorrow situation where just stopping it would draw MORE attention to it. And with Ravenscroft dressed as the MAGA shamen, I can only take a guess.

And...that's all he really does with this, recreates images that were on the news. The only funny bit is when the ketchup mascot tries to hold on to the fries and they shout they belong together. This is all to stop a dude name Puntz (Fred Armisen) from giving his approval on the Pop Tarts. And if you remove the n from his name, you get the joke. The painfully unfunny joke. After Puntz lives...down, because up means they tried, to the gag, the mascots accept the loss and word gets sent to Walter Cronkite...

...who gets the name wrong because he was too busy tossing Silly Puddy at the script and it smudged the ink, creating the Pop Tarts name they company rolls with. Again, either REALLY better at this “Humor” thing than me, or really didn't wanna draw attention. The snacks get shipped with the new name, the kids buy 'em and leave Post in the dust, Ravenscroft has to answer for what he did because Jan. 6, Boyardee and Bruhat raise the mutant, LaLane and Carvel open their stores next to each other...

...actually, I wonder how many people would go to the gym if an ice cream store were next door...

...the milk mafia are the guys who killed JFK because he tried to stop them (Oh, after this, I'm gonna watch that ep of Red Dwarf to remind myself how to do this as a comedy right), Post goes on to create, and even the movie has to tell you it's not kidding, Mara La Go. Stan goes on to create granola for the hippie movement, and Bob goes on a talk show...where he's shot by Andy Warhol (Dan Levy) because “Pop Tart” is too much like “Pop Art” and if I sound like I'm rushing this it's because...

I AM! I WANT THIS THING TO END! THERE IS ONLY SO MANY TIMES I CAN GO 'NOT FUNNY' BEFORE THE REVIEW GETS AS MENOTINIUS AS THIS MESS!

When Bob says the packet stopped Andy's bullet, the kid asks what's up with it and the creature when Bob confesses this was all to mess with him as the parents pick up the kid...and I'd be fine with that. Oh, it'd be a lousy movie, it'd still be on here, but it would explain so much. The inconsistencies with the mascots vs. actors? A growing mind that's still trying to process what's real and what's not. Post being decades younger and in a romance plot with a guy name Edsel? Kid's imagination going nuts. The living food thing? Kid trying to spice the story up.

But it doesn't. Just before the kid leaves, the mutant food comes out of Bob's pocket to say goodbye, confirming that everything Bob spewed was 100% real.

Spewed...that's...the perfect way to describe this thing.

“Satire” and “Parody” shouldn't be a blanket excuse for everything I typed up. Jokes still have to make sense, gags still have to work, and writing has to be even. Why would you make Quaker Oats ran by an actual Quaker and not have General Mills be a general? Tony the Tiger's fake, but Snap, Crackle, and Pop are real? Also, again, are the estates and still living people this referenced gonna just ignore this to not draw attention or do they have a better funny bone than me, because half of these portrayals, even for parody, are not flattering.

Save for the racist guy that made Silly Puddy, he always was an asshole according to history.

Again, if this all was just in the kid's head, fine. It'd still be unfunny and uneven, but most of it would get a pass because kid's POV...but that ending. That one bit confirming it wasn't just made everything worse. At the end of the day, this was all just one soggy mess.

FINAL VERDICT: For being undercooked, underdone, and an unfunny mess that can't make up it's mind to be a fantasy like Barbie, or real from a kids' perspective, jokes that make me wonder if the estates of those involved either have a better funny bone than me or if we're looking at an Escape From Tomorrow “Don't call attention” situation, this movie gets a SUPER MEGA DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but it's pretty dang close. Now, if you'll excuse me, if toy lovers can have a literal Barbie movie, if boomers who love breakfast can have their own Barbie movie, anime fans can to! Now, how do I apply this to Legend of the Overfiend...

B-Movie Bomb: Diana: The Musical (Spoilers)

 

*SIGH*

Yes...I must've said “Piece of cake” between Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again and now, because just a mere couple of weeks after I wrote that I needed a break from musicals (Because I did 3 bad ones in a row), I see THIS make the rounds...

Top it all off, one of my bosses, who loves the royal family, requests that I review Diana: The Musical personally. I'm half tempted to ask if this is an OSHA violation.

For those too young to remember her, or if she was before your time, Princess Diana was married to Prince Charles until their very very VERY bitter divorce, resulting in her, him, and anybody around them, being a magnet for the tabloids. It should be noted, however, while the royal family looked like chumps during all of this, Diana used her fame, be it the positive stuff from the general public or the negativity from the tabloids, to do some actual good. This includes everything from AIDS research to organizations dedicated to getting rid of landmines that are still in various war-zones. She did all of this right up until her death in a tunnel in France, which was caused in part by the paparazzi tailing her that night...and blocking the EMTs from getting to her just for a quick buck.

And that's the best I can do for the summary of her life, I only know what was known in public and to go into more detail would require an even longer review...but I can tell you that summary was more respectful than what we're gonna get!

Also, it should be noted that Netflix filmed this in 2020 while Broadway was shut down due to COVID...but it can also be argued, by what you're gonna see summed up, that they were thanking GOD for no audience due to the events in this thing. And, since this was filmed, I'm reviewing it like I do every other bad movie I review on here.

Just how bad does it get? It's about as much of a tribute as Doug Walker's “The Wall.”

Yes. I know what I said.

So, the movie/play opens with lights flashing and cameras clicking as Diana (Jeanna de Waal) walks out in her white dress...and I'm not gonna say why now, but upon another viewing of this, I realized what's going on thanks to the beginning and the ending. It might explain a few things and why somethings are somethings, but...yeah, it's still a bad play.

She comes out to the song, “Underestimated” which starts out as a pretty good summary of her emotions and leading up to meeting Charles and what's gonna come out of it...except...well...

Is it just me, or do some of the lyrics double as a Bond Villain's song? Yeah, most of it sums up what's happening to her before, during, and after the main events of the play...but there's some lyrics that actually can match a Bond villain's motivations in this thing. “Fairy Tales Exist, but this one has a twist because you're underestimated” can easily double as a villain line the minute they get all the gold and are revealed to be the narrator.

Relax, they don't go that far...but you're gonna see they do something else.

She's introduced to Camilla Parker Bowles (Erin Davie) who promises to give Diana and Charles time alone. Ah, nothing like true love with the mistress hooking you up with her man. We find out more on how that happened when we jump to a conversation between the Queen (Judy Kaye) and Prince Charles (Roe Hartrampf) as it turns out he needs to find somebody to wed because he's 32 years old and still a playboy!

Oh, and in case you didn't click the link to the song, Diana's 19. Yes, just when you thought any negative opinions those of you who grew up with the tabloids on the royals couldn't sink any lower, you get to add the math that makes your brain shout “Old enough to be creepy uncle” to it. Oh, and throw this in too, because...ya know...you can't have TOO much creepy in being creepy...it turns out the reason Charles knows about Diana is because he once dated her older sister.

Yes, now the royal family can keep it in the family OUT of the family. All of this is done to the song “The Worst Job In England.”

As the queen sings the positive, the staff sings the negatives and...well, given what those of us who remember what the tabloids, biographies, and personal accounts published said, three guesses on where this lands. They even hint that the family knows this is all just a publicity stunt, complete with the queen saying the wedding'll sell. It then jumps to Diana talking to her sister, Sarah (Holly Ann Butler), about it, with her gushing over how fairy tale like it all is.

No, that feeling of whiplash is normal and there's a reason we're zooming by everything, I'll get to it.

It's through this we find out a couple of things, starting with, via seeing the phone call to Diana, that Charles is sleeping with Carmella as the two have...something close to a relationship as they're gonna get because of events in the play. It turns out she's trying to get Charles and Diana together because it's good for the kingdom...and he's so inept at getting the TEENAGE GIRL, he thinks one of her favorite bands is “Duran Duran Duran” on the grounds that the royal family is that out of touch with their people. Well, this leads to Charles asking her to join in as a “Guide” to her at the orchestra...and the clip I linked you to at the start of this thing.

Yeah, “This is How Your People Dance” is supposed to show the difference between the two...but all it really does is remind you that Diana is a teenager...and kinda implies she's a little on the dumb side, given the line “I maybe no intellect, but maybe we can find a discotheque.” And all I can say when it has moments like Charles doing the robot and the whole thing turning into a rave...

Which makes me wanna remark that this is sometime in 1980, meaning it'd be more of a punk scene than a techno one.

...is one question...is this a parody? Out of touch royal, a teenager (Over 18, but still a teenager) bored out of her skull suddenly brake into a rave with him doing the robot as the cello playing suddenly becomes electric. Except I know the answer is “No,” so that leads to ANOTHER question, one that I kept asking over and over again as I watched the first time...who approved this?

Diana still has an estate that has to approve EVERYTHING that involves her likeness or the legality of her being in anything from movies to TV; I'm pretty damn sure the Royal Family's lawyers are on speed dial if they so much as give Charles a big nose without even thinking about notifying them, and I really don't think Charles and Carmella themselves would enjoy being the villains in this thing. So...who approved all of this? Who gave the ok to make a 19 year old Diana, a school assistant, an immature moron, the Royal Family so out of touch that they might as well rule from space, and made Carmella the villain?

Granted, a lot of people would argue that last one, but considering you can legally go so far with this stuff, SOMEBODY still had to say “Yes.”

We then jump to sometime later, ad the paparazzi gang up on Diana with clicks of the camera to the song “Snap, Click.”

And for awhile, it captures the tabloids and how sleazy the reporters and tabloids really are, complete with the line “And if you think we're vultures, we dare you to look away,” calling out how the public ate all of this up before she got married, which actually I like considering people did eat it all up...but that good will ain't gonna last and we'll get to why later. The Queen's had enough and wants them to get married ASAP because the press is going nuts, as Charles tries to suggest Carmella...except she's married.

Yes, whatever low opinion you had with Prince Charles...

Well...whatever low opinion BEFORE it came out how he treats his oldest son, anyway.

...know it can go lower.

As he's not sure about how he feels about her, this causes the Queen to break into “Whatever Love Means, Anyway.”

Yes, because in your fairy tail romance, you need to have a “Perform with pinkie up” version of the “Pina Colada Song.” It does leave to the reveal that novelist Barbra Cartland (Also played by Judy Kaye) as she sings to her that all men are liars...

I'm a dude and I can't find the lie in that.

...and tells Charles that through her, she learned about actual love and romance. Well, this doesn't stop Charles as he pops the question and she says yes!

Again, I'm a dude, and I can't find the lie in that all dudes are liars, so you can guess how this goes when he says he is truly in love with her. Somehow, I think this version of Diana missed the warning. And the whole time, btw, we're supposed to feel some sympathy for Charles and Camilla not being able to be together...but at the same time, the movie/play tries to frame them as the eventual antagonists. And, yes, this is gonna hurt later...like the Dickens!

It jumps right to the wedding, as Diana realizes her sister's early warning about Camilla was right on the money and she wants to bail on this thing ASAP, breaking into “I Will.”

Yes, because when you wanna get married, you want it to be exactly like this...

If you haven't figured it out, the reason my two questions about parody and permission is because so far, Diana is bonkers for bananas in this thing. Who gave the ok to make her so psychotic, you'd expect her to make rabbit stew out of the Royal Family pet? Who approved something that made her seem so off in fantasy land, you have to remind her that the veil on her head isn't a dragon?

It jumps then to Diana's first post wedding appearance, as she has to greet the public as Charles and the Queen instruct her to not to maintain contact with the public and just say “Hi and bye.” Remember, the important things to know when ruling a country or being an icon of said country is no eye contact, be as numb as possible, and do not show emotion, for the love of everything holy, DO NOT SHOW EMOTION!

She then proceeds to show emotion, kicking off “The World Fell In Love.”

After Charles rants about how jealous he feels, Camilla tells him that she's trying to patch things up with her husband (Zach Adkins) as he asks how's her “Friend” doing, replying to Charles “He calls you my 'Friend.'”

Gee, play, thanks for assuming us viewers are dumbasses.

This leads the two to break it off as Diana is trying to tell Charles some good news, but he's still mad that he had to call it off with Camilla...until Diana says she's gonna have a baby! Yes, babies make everything better!

Insert joke about the Oprah interview here.

This leads to “Happiness/Simply Breathe,” where while it seems the baby did fix everything...Charles can't let go of his ex-mistress...

Again, this is supposed to make us support, in someway, Camilla and Charles being together despite them being the antagonists, or at least things setting up for that to happen. Look, I'm an anime fan, I love it when there's more to the antagonist than 'Antagonist,' but when you have it stacked against postpartum depression, you can't have it both ways, especially when his response to her mentally broken is to run back to the mistress.

Also, THE VIEWER IS BEING ASKED TO ROOT FOR THE CHEATING COUPLE IN A MUSICAL ABOUT DIANA! That's like asking the viewer to root for Lex Luthor to hook up with Lois Lane in a story centered around how she first met Clark Kent. Doesn't matter how human you make the other party, WE'RE NOT GONNA ROOT FOR THE BAD GUY!

We jump to Diana recovering in the hospital as her sister is trying to talk her into a divorce, but she refuses and figures she still loves him, despite seeing who she calls the “Rottweiler,” leading her assistant (Bruce Down) to remark that she calls Camilla the Rottweiler.

Gee, thanks again for assuming the viewers are dumbasses, play.

Charles visits her and the two work out a deal...kinda. This leads into “She Moves In The Most Modern Ways” as it goes over how she uses her new power for charity and hope.

And, of course it's because one of the rules of royalty is care very little about your subjects as possible, Charles gets mad and reminds her she shouldn't be so gosh darn kind and caring. In response, Diana decides to do something different this year for the Royal Ballet as she jumps in and joins it. Well, you would think the palace would actually jump for joy in that they picked a Princess that was full of grace, beauty, and enough skill to actually be in the Royal Ballet...but this is enough to actually make steam come out of Charles's ears...

Not really, but you'd bet your butt if they had the budget, they'd do it.

...leading to “Diana (The Rage).”

Remember, we're supposed to sympathize with him and his mistress. Can't you just feel the sympathy for him?

Oh, wait, that's bile.

Yeah, I get that some reports say that the Royal Family was this disconnected...but... “A tart” in 1980-something?

Diana's response? “As I Love You.”

I'm just gonna let “Married a Scorpio” explain it all.

Did I mention I think Netflix was thanking God for no audience for this thing?

Of course, this all leads to Charles going back to Camilla and they both sing “I Miss You Most On Sundays,” trying to make us sympathize with them, yet again!

Ok, between “Diana (The Rage),” this song, and what's gonna happen next? No, this doesn't work at all. This thing is trying to make all 3 parties involved as human as possible...while still having Charles and Camilla be so antagonistic, several scenes make them scheme like villains or be out and out assholes. It's not unheard of for writing to try to make the affair sympathetic, but you can't do that and have the next scene be 'How to make the wife look stupid' or 'Take the spotlight away.' There's a reason people who watch Fatal Attraction wanted the mistress to die, ya know.

We then jump back to Diana as she sings that she's ready to fight back with “Pretty, Pretty, Girl.”

And I thought there weren't enough breaks in the first Mamma Mia, at least do SOMETHING that's more plot advancing than singing! Again, though, there's a reason everything is so rapid-fire and one sided, even for a musical about Diana. How it'll hurt...is up to you frankly.

And, yes, in the next scene, Camilla and Charles try to dim the spotlight by making up a bullshit cause to change the focus, namely old buildings! Because, you know, those skyscrapers are eyesores!

Or, if you saw Remembrance of the Daleks from Doctor Who, remind you it's not 1963.

Of course, that was the big intermission song, so we jump to act 2 to be introduced by Barbra Cartland as she introduces James Hewitt, to his own song: “Here Comes James Hewitt.”

And his introduction in the play is...coming through the elevator like trapdoor set piece on a saddle without a shirt...and that's the least ridiculous thing I can type about the number. It's right here that they decided to dump all the innuendo you can think of with a horse riding instructor, including how Diana's husband 'Needs lessons' and how Hewiet can teach her how to ride, and so on.

This is one of the reasons I keep asking if this is a parody...then there's stuff after it that reminds me that...this isn't...but then it keeps coming back to the other question I kept asking, WHO APPROVED THIS STORY ABOUT REAL PEOPLE!? Especially when the song implies he's dumber than a bag of hammers.

Yeah, for a play that's about a woman who got screwed over by the rules and found happiness in breaking them and using her fame to help others, this thing sure loves taking shots at her and those who made her happy.

Well, after a night of making her happy over and over again, we jump to the two in bed...along with Charles and Camilla in bed in attempt number “If you're keeping count of this, up your medication” to add sympathy to the cheating couple (And sucking at it) “Him & Her & Him & Her.”

...I think it would've been simpler just to name it “Bob, Ted, Carol, and Alice.”

It's kinda hard to give sympathy to the other party when the “Victim card” the adulterer husband plays can include on it's check list “Read Wife The Riot Act.” But it's a double song, as you can see, as it jumps to the second half, via a dance party with Diana and Charles, of the number with “Just Dance,” as Diana tries to keep everything peaceful, civil, and tries to keep everything together...but Charles keeps wanting her to shut up and dance among her concerns on what a divorce would do to her family.

Can't you feel all that sympathy for the guy?

Oh, wait, that's last night's dinner making a comeback.

Eventually, Hewitt comes back and now it's her turn to keep wanting to dance...only it's done with more sympathy and a tone that says she just wants one moment of joy vs. Charles just wanting one moment of “Shut the Hell up.” God, can't you feel all that empathy for the guy cheating on his wife? Well, Charles eventually finds out and says they can carry on as Charles and Camilla decide to hightail it and couch surf at various friends and relatives. I'd say it's because Charles realizes it's the pot calling the kettle black...except we can't give our antagonist THAT much humanity, as we jump to Charles trying to talk Diana out of being with the people and trying to help people...during the AIDS crisis...

Yes, we reached the part of the play where the mind is gonna go “Uh” as you tug on your shirt and panic over what fresh Hell we're gonna have with this.

Well, how about the implication that Charles could care less about people infected with HIV with the sentence “More appropriate causes,” and that he brought into the early panic as gospel as he kept telling her to put on gloves and a mask. Remember, if you wanna be a royal, be as out of touch with the world as possible. Well, Diana refuses the gloves and gladly meets with everybody, even shaking hands, in the AIDS ward. All of this is done to “Secrets And Lies.”

Yeah...considering the men in this thing had justifiable reason to not let their cases known, it's odd that it takes talk about fashion and make up to change the mind of at least one. And...yeah, it's actually one of the more respectful moments with her in it and done very well...so how do we screw it up? Well, we humanized Diana enough, let's make it over the top again! Diana finds out through her sister that Charles is going to a party with Camilla and her sister, so her reply? Go with him and confront the Rottweiler herself all to the tune of “The Main Event!”

No, you're not mishearing, the play that an act ago called you out for buying up all the tabloids is now having people foaming at the teeth for a catfight. And if you're thinking “Oh, it's just the audio, the play'll do something,” nope. The play treats the crowd like they're watching a wrestling event they've been waiting for all night, without any hint that they're in the wrong for doing it.

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS, MOVIE/PLAY!

If you're gonna call out the audience for all the rags they bought at the check out, don't be afraid to CALL OUT THE AUDIENCE! And you don't have to do much to get the message through, the littlest things drive the point home just fine! Have them fight over seats, somebody shout “GET YOUR PROGRAMS,” passing around popcorn while looking at the fight like they found Jesus, ANYTHING to drive home that this is a bad thing you drove home an act earlier!

This causes Charles, when they leave, to call Diana out for her affairs...

So much for knowing pot calling kettle.

...and he declares that the marriage is over as she should “Come to her senses.” Boy, that sympathy is building up, isn't it?

Oh, wait, no, that's the Mt. Dew I had an hour ago.

And this is to the reprise of that oh so wonderful... “Meh, whatever” song, “Whatever Love Means Anyway.”

At this point, why didn't they just have 'em sing “The Pina Colada Song?”

With James given marching orders to Germany, Diana decides to snap and no longer play nice with...a reprise of “Pretty, Pretty, Girl...” Ok, that's too short to have a point to link to it...then a follow up with a...reprise of “Snap, Click” too short to have a point to link to it...or be in the play...

The reason I say this it because is you can cut the “Snap, Click” reprisal as it jumps to Diana making her phone call to Andrew Morton (Nathan Lucrezio) to tell her side of the story “Anonymously” with “The Words Came Pouring Out.”

Naturally, it jumps to the public's reaction to it, with Camilla remarking that everybody was fooled by a “Girl unschooled.” Don't you just feel that feeling somewhere inside of you, rooting for her and Charles to find their happy place!?

Oh, wait, that was a fart I was holding in all day.

Though, I have one question about the song...why's Morton singing “A Palace Conned by a Cunning Blond?” Is it because of Camilla? The viewers aren't stupid, but we do need clarity, especially since the song's about Diana saying her side of the story. We then see the Queen's reaction when Charles tells her everything, saying that Diana comes off as a woman scorned by her unaffectionate husband, something that “Half of the women of England can relate to.”

Even with no audience, I could hear the sound of dead silence on that one.

After hearing that the Queen doesn't want to see her, Camilla gets offended and tries to convince Charles to steer the ship so the press can see things through their eyes. I mean...all the woman is is his mistress, you act like it's awful or something, lady! He goes through it with the reprise of “I Missed You Most on Sundays.”

…

Right...too short to be on YouTube...

Alright, so what does this lead to? Well, it turns out her butler helps her come up with an idea to sock it to the prince and take attention away from him...

...you know, if you're gonna go that far with the idea that she used her body in that way, dress and all, just lift it from this.

...in fact, it might AS WELL BE this!

Diana eventually meets the Queen to try to iron things out, with her remarking that she would've chopped off Diana's head in the old days...and misses those days.

Somewhere, I heard a Netflix executive thanking God for no audience.

This causes the Queen to remark how much she does understand Diana with “An Officer's Wife.”

Well, this was enough for her to reflect on everything...literally as we see images of various wives from back in her day and even the Navy behind those one way mirrors as she's singing...to allow Diana to get her divorce with a clean break, including no protection what-so-ever.

And...yeah, the number is fantastic, Judy Kaye drives it home. This is where I wish we had an audience, I would've LOVED to heard the reaction to this thing, it's a very moving performance.

And now we go back to where it started, with Diana in the same white dress that opened the show with the final song, “If...”

And...yeah, you can't help but cringe when you get to the lyric about her wanting Charles to let William take the crown, given what's come out since then. But, other than that? It's time to tell you what I think I figured out with why the play is what it is, with the rapid fire time jumps, things being so one sided even for a play build around Diana, and why things seemed off and odd.

I came to the conclusion when I realized “If” had a mini-reprise of “Underestimated” as those flashblubs got dimmer and dimmer while the extras are reading the news as it happens...this whole thing is Diana on Jacob's Ladder.

Yes, we are seeing the memories of a dying woman...memories that show her nutty as a fruit cake in some spots, memories that call her not that bright, that make fun of her loved ones, and tried to get us, and failed, to sympathize with Charles and Camilla. Think about it, the rapid time jumps, the only parts of her life that focus on how we got to the next, some of the more fantastical elements like “This is How Your People Dance” having Charles break into the robot, it makes too much sense. But that's not the stupidest or most insulting part of the final minutes.

No, no, that comes when she walks into the darkness, the cast members appear, and sing this one lyric...

“The people who will change the world, are not the ones you think will change the world.”

Wait, what does that even mean!? In the context of the play!? What, nobody thought Diana would change the world!? I'm sorry, but when you're a royal that goes to see what they can do to help AIDS patients in the early days of the crisis, uh...yeah, that's somebody who changes the world! Wait, does this mean Diana wasn't meant to change the world? Then what was the narrative point of this play!?

Also, I can't be the only one getting a headache from that one sentence, I tried saying it out loud and I wound up shutting my frontal lobes down in protest!

Every time I asked if this was a parody, I had to remind myself it wasn't...but can you see why I had to multiple times?

This is just insulting, an article from Entertainment Weekly compared it to “Spring Time For Hitler,” and they're right on the money. Everybody here is stupid, vapid, selfish, and moronic just to name everything off the top of my head. Half the performances are over the top and...are we SEREIOUSLY supposed to take the side of Charles and Camilla over Princess freakin' Diana!? The songs aren't really that strong (Seriously, you can replace “The Dress” with “Little Black Dress” and it'd have a better impact), and the ultimate shoe that drops?

THIS IS ALL FROM THE DREAMS AND MEMORIES OF A DYING WOMAN!

Yes, this play, from my observation anyway, is exploiting her death by telling a “Springtime for Hitler” version of her life. It starts with the white dress and talking about flashbulbs in the air, it ends with the white dress and those same flashbulbs dimming all around her. The death of Diana is still an open wound for some people despite decades passing and to treat it in such a matter is gonna do nothing but piss everybody off.

And then there's the second question I asked when I reminded myself it's not a parody...who gave the okays for this?

Diana still has both an estate and living family members, the Royal Family's estate, let alone the lawyers, aren't gonna call it quits anytime soon, and I don't think Hewit, his troops, and his own estate like the idea of him being a himbo, and so on. You can only go far when your script is “Oh, this is from the POV of somebody dying” when you aren't making a parody.

This is insulting, this is embarrassing, and the only strong point with the songs are the melodies, but I promise you, even those will leave your head after a week.

Wonder if the play when audiences comeback'll be shorter.

FINAL VERDICT: For being insulting to everybody, trying to make us take sides with two people without giving them humanity, bland songs (But with good melodies), and just being an awful play as a whole, this movie/play gets a MEGA DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! I know what I summed up sounds like I reviewed a parody, but I'm not...but wouldn't every horrible thing make sense if this was a horrible parody? Now, if you'll excuse me, I SERIOUSLY need a break from musicals, so I'll take anything! Anything at a---

DAMN IT!