B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: Android Cop (Spoilers)

So, you work for the Asylum and you guys hear about the upcoming RoboCop reboot. Naturally, your studio wants to make a mockbuster to ride it's possible coat tails and make a profit! Sure, when you plan to release it, it'll be out at the same time, thus no telling if it'll even make a profit for itself, let alone if you can make one from it.

Then the other problem: Your place of employment.

But wait! You found some loose change, you have some black spray paint, football pads, a leotard, and a skinny bean poll! Bam! You have Android Cop!

Yes, when the 2014 RoboCop reboot came-a-callin', the Asylum wasn't that far behind, ready to make sure your nearsighted grandparent thinks they got the blockbuster for your birthday! And that's not just me saying it, the Asylum has actually EMBRACED that they're practices are more or less a tackier version of singing “We're in the money.” But a mockbuster does not a bad movie make, no, no, no...an ASYLUM mockbuster does a bad movie make. With a budget of “Thank God we live in LA, most expenses went to get the guy who played the live action Spawn,” filming ambition that said “Quick, get this section done before we have to resume Z-Nation,” and the attitude that says “If we do a wink and nod to the movie, we're just like the movie,” this rust bucket had only two chances: So bad it's awful, or so bad it's a blast to mock.

So, the movie opens in LA in 2037, buildings are in ruin, buses are just sitting and gathering dust, cops are corrupt---

...I THINK it's 2037 LA...

...when our hero, Hammond (Michael Jai White) goes off the grid for some info on some activity, when it turns out it was all a trap via a chain gun for him and his partner, Dontbother Heswisschez. We then jump to sometime later as Hammond is part of an extraction team, where we find out the Big One hit, causing several power stations to go nuclear in the damage, thus dividing what's left into zones. The plan? Stop the drug kingpin in one of the zones, cut of a huge chunk of the drug trade!

Good call, nuked pot did a number on those kids from Tromaville...

Anyway, turns out they have to cut through a section that's full of radiated people that won't let 'em pass unless they make some deals, including for some Mexican Coke with real sugar! Dude, go for Japanese Pepsi, there's at least yogurt in one of those! They do get around and break into the targeted building, only to find an old radiated woman and a bunch of people ready to help move their target. Which works, as the cops fall for the old fake arm in the chair housing a gun gag! Always a classic.

A fight breaks out between the two groups and their toy gun sound effects...must've raided a closing Toys R Us...as a fist to fist fight breaks out between Hammond and some idiot that doesn't realize he's fighting Michael Jai White. After that, Hammond runs off on his own, thinking he's found the target while backup arrived...the local high school halfback!

No, it's the android cop himself (Randy Wayne), as his solution to stop this is...launching a grenade right behind Hammond and the crook! There, he saved you by damn near killing you, you should be grateful! But he's not, as this is an Asylum movie, we gotta go for future sci-fi cliché No. 24: The cop hates the new machine. So, of course, the new machine is assigned to Hammond as a partner, under the pretense of sci-fi cliché No. 45: Screw up the prototype so much because success means our jobs are done.

While all this is going on, the new cop (Named Andy) and Hammond are under watch by two crooked cops, lead by Sgt. Jones (Kadeem Hardison), worried that the new robot was sent by people trying to stop them. But there's no time to worry about that now, as Andy and Hammond get their first call, namely a jumper ready to end it all...in a sequence that says it was filmed in two different days...I think. Yes, only the Asylum can make the same location feel like it's filmed in a different place or day.

So, Hammond gets the bright idea to talk to the guy about organ donation to avoid jumping...which naturally causes the guy to think Hammond is nuts. Andy's plan is to simply hack into his phone and the phone of the woman he's fighting with, causing the two to reunite and be happy! Don't think about the implications, just be happy, damn it!

After that, the two get a call to the mayor's for his missing daughter, Helen (Larissa Vereza), or specifically, her body as she's really in a coma, but her mind is hooked up to an android...and they can't find the android. That's a helluva thing to misplace, hate to see what happens when you lose your keys. And, no, they can't just simply wake her up as she's actually in a coma and nobody told her she was hooked up to an android.

...wait, if nobody told her she's an android, what happens when she gets hungry or has to go to the bath---

LOOK WHAT THIS MOVIE HAS ME ASKING!

The two leave...without their sirens flashing...

Oooh, somebody didn't get the permit to do that!

...to talk to a shady dude at a bar who's connected to the underworld. Ah, now we're to cop movie cliches! So, he tries to play bad cop, but Andy takes the good cop act too literal, saying he couldn't find anything to lock the guy up. The kicker? Hammond used ANDY as the threat. Nothing like the local high school half back with hockey gloves that got a shave to put the fear of God into ya, huh? So, he goes over what he was trying to do and once Andy realizes it was good cop/bad cop...he goes too far in the other direction AGAIN and offers to call the police on Hammond for the guy. This leads to Hammond accusing Andy to malfunction, and the two fi---uh...dosy-do around the bar and out the window...oh, c'mon, you have one of the leading action movie martial artists in your movie! The guy in the high school halfback get up can't be that hard to kick!

Well, turns out it was a set up to trace the call Hammond knew the thug was gonna make after the...fight(?) and Andy...rolls with it after making some remarks...wait, if he knew this was an act, why did he take good cop/bad call so---screw it, it's the Asylum, moving on. The thug makes the call, and off our heroes go in their police car, saying they need to go in with no sirens and lights because they didn't get the permission to do---I mean “Sneak in quietly.”

They go into where the signal was, the set of...I mean the post Apocalyptic wasteland! Yes, not the set of Z-Nation where they only have so much time to film in between seasons! While that's going on, we find out the two cops watching through Andy on a monitor are in league with the corrupt mayor (Charles S. Dutton) and the plan is to use the missing daughter('s android body) case as an excuse to have them drive so far into the set...I mean 'zone...'that our heroes would have no choice, but shoot up every gang they meet or die. AND if the gangs kill them, war were declared and the cops can wipe 'em out without problems.

...are we POSITIVE this isn't modern LA?

After exposition that comes out of no where that says the Mayor doesn't view Helen as his daughter, he then comments that the two cops are what the city needs and asks who are they, leading them to say “They're the future of law enforcement” before leaving.

OW! OW! OW! THAT FORCED REFERENCE HURT! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

They go into the zombie se---I mean semi-abandoned town, seeing various gangs eyeballing them as Andy shouts there's nothing unusual to see. I don't know, Spawn walking with the local high school halfback would have me wondering what's in the water supply. After seeing that the phone they were looking for was in a bin, they try to go back to the car call for back up when Andy can't reach HQ only for Helen to pop up and shout for 'em to stand back because somebody rigged the car to go boom.

This leads Helen to have the two come with her as the two cops watching lose Andy's vision and rig it so the gangs think they killed a gang member, thus marking them as a target. Sure enough, they get ambushed...by a gang full of dads (Or at least dad bodies) as the fi---I blinked, what happened? Yeah, after one shot against an ax welding dad, the gang backs off and Helen takes the heroes to her hideout.

Considering it was dads welding pipes and axes vs. two cops with guns? Yeah, no duh.

Once there, they see a woman covered in radiation sores, yet she gave birth to a normal baby thus revealing the environment isn't radioactive at all, but something is causing similar effects thus allowing property holders and such to cover it up as a way to thin out the gangs. Realizing they're screwed if they stay any longer, and Helen needs to get into protective custody, they aim to get to higher ground to get a better reception...until they're stopped by the one of the cars that ate Paris!

…

GET SOME AUSTRALIAN CULTURE, PEOPLE!

You're welcome, lets move on.

Actually, it's a car full of spikes and more gang members in their way. Naturally, gang war were declared on the cops and Helen, but because Andy's wearing the halfback pads of heroism, he takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin' as both he and Hammond get Helen out of there and to the tallest building in the land with them...only to be stopped by an amateur motocross rider!

Now THAT I know you got!

The rider gets taken out, but the car that ate Paris makes a return, cutting off the heroes from the tower. It tries to make another, when the thug Hammond offered the stuff to in the first act shows up and stops them for the time being.

I guess somebody really need that Car that Ate Paris for their b-movie cosplay.

Must've take 'em a while because now it's night and our heroes made it into the tower, only to find it's loaded with dead bodies they have to push through to get to the top. Just as long as they don't come back to life, I've played that part of the Resident Evil franchise. The gangs show off, but Andy offers to stay and get as many as he can while Hammond protects Helen...(Sees the hockey stick in a gang member's hand) ...from the Mighty Ducks.

Eventually, Andy shoots a gang member that...for some reason...has his helmet and they all make it to the roof right after he puts it back on. In the chaos, Helen gets wounded and realizes that she's not in her regular body, but an android's. Again, if she's been in the body the whole time, what about times where she doesn't eat or questioning about not needing to go to the bath---

GAH, LOOK WHAT THIS THING IS MAKING ME ASK!

She comes to terms with it just as the LAPD land on the roof thanks to Andy making the call. But when the head cop comes out, Andy detects the guy's BS and knows he's up to something, so tells Hammond to take Helen and run...only for the cop to tell his partner to override the android...revealed to actually be HAMMOND!

Yes, it turns out that Hammond actually nearly died from the opening earlier, and wound up got the same thing Helen got, only he's hardwired to the LAPD, thus forcing him to get out his gun and get ready to shoot Helen. Thing is though, they underestimated his will power to resist and are having trouble with the whole “Kill girl to cover up plot” thing.

Don't you hate it when you, the dragon to the evil mastermind, has gotta recall the android over “Conscious?”

But the events actually cause Hammond to remember how he got here, along with Helen, as they were BOTH victims of the gun from the opening as she was trying to save his life. This is enough to not only override the system, but make the computer controlling him from the other side of town explode!

I'd say something about not working that way, but I think we all heard this...

Andy tries to fight the cops, but all he can do is shoot them in the armor that had the same shielding. The cops flee the building while our heroes wind up cornered by the gangs...only for the gangs to give them the car that ate Paris to drive out of the zone. This causes the corrupt cops, who are in with the mayor on the deal to clear the gangs and the poor out, to go with plan B: Unplug Helen and Hammond from their bodies! Boy, hope the hospital is in on this, other wise the nurse would think “Hey, I left them alone with that cop...”

While that's going on, Hammond concludes that the reason the people are getting sick is due to the food the Mayor and his people drop of, concluding this because of a newspaper article he saw hung at the Mayor's house. Curse politicians need to show off they did good! After saying this, the cop guarding Hammond plays with the touch screen 1996 Pacard-Bell computer screen...

Because a 2000's neon blue Apple would break the Asylum's bank.

...causing Hammond's life support to go dead, with Helen's to follow. Thus, they have to take a shortcut down the L.A. River. What? It's the future, like that thing's ever gonna get fu---huh? Anywho, the bad cops sport it, leaving Andy to try to shoot down the giant CGI ship with his air pistol! It...well, not so much works, more scares it away, when both Hammond's and Helen's robot bodies start feeling the effects of their human ones about to die.

Meh, I felt the same way when I saw Justice League, they'll be fine.

Eventually, the bad guys catch up to our heroes and, of course, the head bad cop has to get one last taunt. Problem? This is Michael Jai White, and he's in a Car that ate Paris! They go to the top of a car garage that's right next to the hospital, jump off the garage while Andy jumps off the car and lands on the bad guys' flying machine, causing it to crash and kill them all the wile Hammond and Helen land on their floor next to a previously called member of the press where she tells her story!

I'd say how awesomely stupid this was, especially for an Asylum movie, but...again, we're all thinking this!

Hammond's dies in the room but the fate of Helen's, so far, is unknown when Andy shows up to give her the b-movie all healing shot. Right after, the Mayor shows up and tries to spew that she had a DNR order and ready to pull the plug...but then the b-movie all healing shot kicked in, waking her up! Naturally, she asks why the Mayor's been doing this, causing him to freak out and shouting she should've been dead. Naturally, Andy recorded it and broadcasted it over the PA, causing the Mayor to grab a nearby gun from a cop and shoot himself in the head, causing red food coloring to go all over the walls!

It's the Asylum, corn syrup would cost extra.

We then jump to a...kinda...epilogue, revealing that Hammond's android body is now independent from his human body as his mind is downloaded into the android body. Which leads to the joke, that he says, that he's now a Human-Droidican-American that stopped living and became a mixed up zombie.

Ok, ok, I added that bit after “Human-Droidican-American,” but I'm a MST3K fan, it's the law!

They get a call and drive into the city, sirens dead silent due to that pesky “Didn't get legal permission” thing, again.

You know, I'd be happy if more Asylum movies were like this, the same amount of stupid fun you'd fine in an episode of Z-Nation or a Sharknado movie. It's well aware it's a knock off, as are most of the actors, so they just have a bit of fun with it, which means you have a bit of fun watching it. Only downside is a couple of plot holes, like if Hammond wasn't aware that he was an android this whole time, why didn't he question never getting hungry or never having the need to go to the bath---GAH, WHY IS THIS THING MAKING ME ASK THAT!? But if you can overlook those and just wanna see a some actors have some fun earning a paycheck, this thing's worth a rental.

FINAL VERDICT: For being more fun than other Asylum knock offs, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Overall, this is just a fun little movie...unlike most of the Asylum's knock offs. Now, if you'll excuse me, this movie has me wanting to get a POLICE car that ate Paris! Can't get that pesky “Permission” thing for the siren though...meh, I got the perfect substitute!

B-Movie Bomb: The Car: Road to Revenge (Spoilers)

NOTE: The Kenshin movie review is TBD, real life has gotten in the way.  In the meanwhile, let's use this review to get back into the swing of things...and don't operate heavy machinery if you see this thing...

If you ever said to yourself “Why can't there be a land version of Jaws?” you clearly haven't been to the video store OR streaming recently.

If you ever said that same question to yourself back in the '70's, the stupid answer to the stupid question would've been The Car A 70's b-movie piece of idiocy clunker that was about what happens when Satan decided to posses his own Coupe De Evil. No, really, apparently people are overrated, so he came back to Earth in the form of a car created by the guy who did the 60's Batmobile.

There is not one joke in that paragraph.

Described by it's fans, and it's critics, as “Jaws on land,” The Car is mostly known as a Razzie Winner these days that's good for a few laughs on a b-movie night with moments like a teacher saying it's normal for one of her students to draw her naked or how an empty car fooled a cop with just an open door.

Again, no jokes.

But the bottom line is this: It's Satan mowing down people in a Coupe De Evil. That's it, that's the horror, that's the plot.

Which means it translates PERFECTLY into The Car: Road to Revenge where The Car IS THE HERO OF THE STORY...kinda. Yeah, turns out Universal kinda sorta BS'd most of it.

Straight to both video and streaming, this movie is less of an actual sequel and more of Universal...for reasons only they and God know...

Though I doubt God wants anything to do with The Car...

...trying to keep the rights to the original. It's ether that OR the thing was an original story and somebody thought slapping the name of a movie that STILL gets ridiculed to this day would give it money. I'll say this, I was curious enough to rent it on the grounds that, one way or another, a sequel was attempted alone, so it was a success in that regard ether way.

And make no mistake, the original has fans, and rightfully so. People enjoy this movie one way or another, ether as legit 70's horror or on the same scale as people enjoy cheese-ball movies like The Thing With Two Heads. But this movie removed MOST of those elements, from enjoyable stupid moments like a character taunting The Car to the iconic like it's horn. Yeah, the horn, the very thing fans think of when they hear about the Coupe De Evil isn't used even once.

So the movie opens with a credit sequence made to show off the car in question, then jumps right to a chase in a “20 minutes into the future” type setting between a cop (Grant Bowler) and some punk dressed in all leather and with metal allover the place driving his...lime green Prius with racing stripes...

Because when you think end of the world scum bags, you think Prius.

The cop manages to capture the bad guy, leading to a trail and the charges told to the judge by the head DA, Caddock (Jamie Bamber), which leads the judge to declare the crook for execution...which happens right then and there, no waiting.

Does this mean we're all ruled by Texas?

Well, turns out the guy they just blew up in the courtroom has a data chip that has all the info on the rest of the town's scumbags. Why he does, we don't know...and we really don't know who these people are. Yeah, I'm looking up stuff on IMDB, but I don't know who goes to who. I only guessed the first two actors due to both the IMDB AND the Horrorpedia, and the Horrorpedia might as well be the deep end of the kiddie pool that's all the info on this movie.

All I know about these people so far is one's a cowboy, one of 'em had got a cyber arm, one of 'em is fresh from Hot Topic right after it went mainstream, one looks like an Iggy Pop cosplayer, and one is dressed like Liberace.

So after Caddock's attempt to get his ex back goes south, right down to him saying “I will not stop coming for you until you're mine...”

Yeah, that whole good guy thing the plot summary said? So far, false advertising. Unless in the future, that's the new “I love you.”

...he tries to crack open the chip with less than legal means, only for his wormy assistant to leave right before the aforementioned bad guy group break up and wreck up both his office AND his face.

BTW, I'm watching the unrated version and most of the “Gory” moments are really really REALLY bad CGI. Like I half suspect this budget is whatever the head of Universal's Home Media department found in his couch.

Their search turns up nada and their boss...again, I don't know who the character is, so I don't know who the actor is...gets so mad, he...exposits that he created them...okay...not the reaction you'd expect from somebody mad, but then again, this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.

Later that night, the car comes to life and...kills an innocent person! Yeah, that whole “Seeing revenge on the bad guys” thing in the trailer? That's another lie! Battin' 1,000, Universal!

After a funeral that includes the ex saying she found it comforting to be in a relationship where she had to ask permission to laugh or cry...

...I...got nothing...this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.

...we see the cop trying to find out why the guy who blew up had the chip in the first place and The Car stalking the ex, who the cop tried to talk to about why the DA was killed. We then jump to the guy with the cyber arm, as The Car is ready to mow him down right after said cyber arm guy taunts it. The good news is he was smart enough to hide in a building...the bad news is he runs in front of a window big enough for the car to drive through and squish him.

It's NOW, when the cops are looking at his body, I hear his name is Henry and...the IMDB page doesn't go that far. Yeah, I know, “Wait for the credits” and I might put something in this review, but I'm writing this as I go as this is a case of a stupid movie I DON'T wanna see again! I was originally gonna write it as I went anyway because, well, its a sequel to The Car, but then you have moments like that stupid line that painted a controlling relationship as a good thing, does that sound like something ANYBODY with a sane brain want to see outside of a rift party!?

So, yeah, we can safely say that Henry is the second victim of the DA soul's Murderous Benz.

FEED ME, SEYMOUR, FEED ME!

So the detective talks to the ex and, while having booze at a fancy Japanese restaurant...I guess that's by the book...inquires about the kind of car Caddock had because it matches the description of what ran over Henry, causing her to...be offended when asked what car she drives and leaves him to pay the bill...meh, for all I know, booze IS a business write off.

She invites a friend of her's over just as the bad guys find her, and of course, said friend is killed by their thugs. They try her next, only she has a gun and is able to fight them off and run into the woods...where the car...somehow...knew they would be...okay...

I don't care if it's magic, you HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT!

Eventually, it comes down to a showdown between The Car and the Iggy Pop lookin' bad guy in his car, which naturally ends in a bad CGI and bad practical effect mess of The Car turning him into a pancake. Not even The New Day can save this one, folks.

Yeah, that's how bad this movie is, I'm FORCING wrestling jokes.

The detective eventually puts the ex in a no tell motel...so no tell even I can smell who was in the bed the night before last...until the next day, where she insists on investigating the case with the detective, namely The Car.

Hey, this is a future where it's apparently ok to question witnesses over wine, don't question it.

They go to an underground hacking club...as opposed to the mainstream ones...where they wanna inquire about the one thing that binds this all together, something called The Night...only for it to just HAPPEN to be the day a group connected to The Night raid the place and kill almost everybody. Doesn't it just suck when another event takes priority even though you booked in advance?

Turns out the raid was so the Hot Topic looking one can get to the ex, leading to a fight between the two. Considering one is in leather and the other is in tight blue jeans, 3 guesses on why it's here.

No guesses on why I was staring at the TV for the fight's length of time.

Eventually, Hot Topic breaks out the flame thrower, but she has a gun and, per Hollywood rules, this means the flame thrower BACKFIRES and fries her like she was covered in gas. But this isn't enough to kill her as, remember, she has to die at the hands of the Merciless Benz.

Ah, that one was for me.

Sure enough, they take the fight outside and the Benz shows up to 86 Hot Topic, but has enough romance in it to roll down the window and play the ex's favorite song. Sometimes, it's the little things.

The ex and the cop go back to his apartment, says that he's the way he is because his family died, we're all animals, blah, blah, stuff you heard 500 times before, where they proceed then to get it on! Oh, one night of hating each other, all it takes to turn somebody on is a dead family and then showing them how you punch things!

Did I mention this was a stupid stupid STUPID movie?

So, the head bad guy declares war on The Car and throws in rewards for it, the ex, AND the chip that has all the info, causing the gang to get ready to go to war...but enough about that, we got the obligatory “Sleep with her now she hates you” plot as she says her theory that the car is possessed by Caddock causes the cop to look at her like a skeptic.

At least he didn't laugh at her, THAT would've been wrong.

She leaves in a huff with the cop leaving the apartment sometime after...and with The Car waiting for him there all night. Yep, Caddock's soul waited under the apartment as his ex had sex with the cop. I don't know if it's creepy since his headlights saw nothing, but it's close.

This causes the cop to run out of the closed...doors...wait, if the doors were closed the entire time, how'd The Car get in? Wait, again, where did the ex go if she didn't see The Car!? Why didn't Caddock leave if he saw the ex leave!? EXPLAIN, YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID MOVIE!

So, naturally this leads to a chase between the cop and the Caddock possessed car...again, so much for the trailer and plot summary saying the guy was a good guy...

He gets away as the Car leaves with the bad guys following The Car...and I don't know what's least believable, the punks in a black outed Cadillac or one group in a bright purple Camero with racing stripes...while the assistant DA listens in that the ex is...still at the apartment...but, we saw her lea---screw it, I don't wanna continue this thing for too long, let's just move on.

While the punks are after the Car, the Night sets up the detective for the murders while kidnapping the ex, only for the ex to reveal she's not an idiot and turned the tables! Finally, somebody smart in this stupid stupid STUPID movie!

Speaking of stupid, we go back to the punks as they keep losing members to the Merciless Benz as the two fake cops that took the ex go splat. The Car sees this, and recreates the car flipping stunt from the 70's movie in, and I admit this, a nice homage to the original as the flip takes off a couple of heads. Desperate to get rid of both The Night AND The Car, the ex works out a deal with them to take care of it. Of course, unlike the first movie where the humans are idiots, The Car falls for the oldest trick in the book and when he thinks she's going to die, falls into a hidden pit and presumably dies as the ex gets betrayed by Night.

So much for somebody smart.

I'm reviewing this thing as I go, this sucker is 2 minutes shy of the 90 minute mark, I'm at the 1 hr 4 min spot...and I'm on page 4. This thing is about as deep as it's IMDB page.

Naturally, with the Merciless Benz junked, now's the perfect time for Ronny Cox to cameo as a mechanic that finds it...and chances are do the stupid thing. We then jump to the ex, who admits to the head of Night that she has dark impulses to kill all the rich people she works for, thus...she's in with the group? How the Hell can the stupid get stupider from h---

BY HAVING THE CAMEO MECHANIC MERGE THE PARTS OF THE MERCILESS BENZ WITH THE COUPE DE EVIL! Because hey, having an insane lawyer's soul in a car isn't enough, he needs the touch of Satan!

After a bit where the cop gets some info on where the bad guys are from the assistant DA, we see the mechanic did, indeed, mix and match parts of the old and new Cars together, and whatever was holding the previous version back from going on a rampage is gone.

It's almost as if fusing an already unstable soul with that of Satan was a bad idea.

After the cop determines where Night and the ex are, we see the head of Night has given the assistant DA over to the ex to do whatever she wants because he failed the group. This includes pouring wate---I mean “Alcohol” over his wounds. Yes, that is clearly “Alcohol” being poured. No fooling me.

But, par for the stupid rears it's head as she takes advantage, wounds the head of Night, and runs off with the head burning the assistant DA. As all this is going on, both The Car AND the detective pull up to the club with the detective going in. Apparently, the club doesn't have big enough windows to make an insta drive-through...

*CRASH*

Or doesn't need one as it just crashes through the front door and starts mowing everybody down!

This should be fun, this is directed by the guy who did Death Race 2050, so he already knows how to not only make a good b-movie, but one that keeps the spirit of a previous one. This should've kept the parts of the original The Car that caused it to have fans, this should be cheesy as Hell...but it feels so stupid an inept as I'm sitting here thinking “Wow, thank God the club's designer made those ramps big enough for a Benz.”

The Liberace guy catches up to the ex and is ready to kill her when she fights back and finishes him of. Hey, somebody has to now that they completely flipped The Car's switch to pure evil. It's now down to the cop, the ex, the head, and The Car, complete with---oh for the love of...REALLY!? A first person chase that's only a few seconds!? 5 minutes of it didn't work for the Doom movie, it ain't gonna work here!

Well, the stand off doesn't last as the Merciless Benz runs over the head and splits him in half while the cop and the ex decide to try to stop The Car once and for all. The ex taunts The Car, causing it to drive into a forklift armed with explosives, killing it once and for all.

By law, I have to...

The cop gets cleared, he and the ex hook up, there's 4 minutes left, bring it out already.

Sure enough, The Car is still alive and takes the ex for a ride. Having enough of The Car's shit, she takes it apart bit by bit, trying to stop it, while saying she's done with...all the people...okay...uh...wasn't sure the whole “Wanna kill the rich” was 100% a character thing, just something she said to let the audience in on her connection to the bad guy...never really had that much of a subplot of her hating ALL the rich, just that her ex-boyfriend was too controlling...what ever, there's still 4 minutes left, let's just end this thing.

She unplugs the AI, causing the Merciless Benz to stop allowing her to get out and push it over the cliff, supposedly drowning it...with 3 minutes left. Sure enough, we go to the bottom of the lake and the lights come on and we FINALLY roll credits.

I should really watch the whole credits and go back, point out who's who and all that...but that would require going back to watch this thing and re-watching one part is one part too many.

This is inept straight to video at it's worse. Yeah, I wasn't expecting much because, as I said, straight to video...but at the same time, I've seen better straight to video efforts from things like Cartoon Network's two straight to cable Scooby Doo movies. Hell, I actually enjoyed Archie: Return to Riverdale more than this, both ironically AND unironically, at least those movies I mentioned had something resembling some form of effort and plot.

This was just a stupid movie full of stupid people doing stupid things for a stupid stupid STUPID movie! This movie said that this was supposed to be about an unscrupulous DA possessing his car and running down the people that killed him...which we later see is BULLSHIT as not only does he have control issues, but he mows down innocent people both before AND after parts of the Coupe De Evil mixed with the Merciless Benz.

Then there's moments like that line about the ex saying the controlling relationship was comforting, I can't remember anybody's names let alone if they were mentioned, and that everybody here is an idiot. At least the original has an excuse of just being a good time to rift on a weekend. This? This is just a clunker that couldn't even get started.

FINAL VERDICT: For feeling lazy, inept, having stupid people doing stupid things, horrible lines (Seriously, I think people who got out of controlling relationships will take issues with that statement), and plots that feel like they were after thoughts (Be nice to see the ex interact with more rich people), this clunker gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! MAYBE you can find something to mock, but chances are you wish this movie was Fixed Or Replaced Daily. Now, if you'll excuse me, my ex has possessed my car and I'm gonna do the one thing nobody thought in this situation...SNEAK A TWO FOR ONE DEAL IN THE DRIVE-IN!