B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned: Flintstones No. 4 (Spoilers)

So, it's been a couple of years or so since DC released the Hanna-Barbara Beyond comic line, DC's attempt to do the Vertigo formula on classic cartoon characters. How and what has this line done? In the words of Joe Bob Briggs: “Let's get to them drive in totals! We have...”

-Top Cat as the next big threat to Batman...which has yet to come to pass outside of a short back up story published, as of this writing, last summer. (UPDATE: Now, as of this writing, he is teaming with Superman! Yeah...try to figure that one out, at least Flash racing Speed Buggy had SOME logic)

-The Mad Max story telling applied to Wacky Races, complete with a preexisting character now a trans-woman...for no reason other than for DC to shout “WE'RE DIVERSE, DAMN IT!”

-The Scooby gang at the center of a world altering Apocalypse...caused by Velma and her family when she unleashed a nano virus that had the idea of “BE NICE TO EACH OTHER, DAMN IT” only for her family to change it to “OBEY US, DAMN IT” and screw that up.

-The Jetsons' robot maid, Rosey, actually being George's mom...via a brain transfer into an android body that has the reader asking “WHY IS THE ROBOT MAID A SEX BOT!?”

-The Banana Splits are a successful music group in the DCU...that get mistaken for the Suicide Squad and has that adventure inspire them to become hardcore rappers.

Clearly, this was the line to address the issues of gay marriage and slavery in The Flintstones No. 4, right?

I said it before, I'll say it until the cows come home: If you have a message with your satire, you need a gentle touch. That part of the brain that shouts “STOP, STUPID, YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OUT” is a VERY important part of writing a satire with a message, to ignore it causes the satire to go from a reasonable explanation of your opinion to just beating the viewer/reader with it.

Case in point, the main subject of this issue is gay marriage. How do they address that everybody has the right to get married? By having the traditional marriage be odd ball and the conservatives demand everybody goes back to having orgies in the sex caves. That's funny because it subverts reality, it twists what we know on it's head but addresses the issue head on while being funny with a serious message.

And, yes, like previous issues, this thing's writer, Mark Russell, ignores the part of the brain that says “STOP, STUPID, YOU HAVE THE MESSAGE!”

So, the issue opens with a flashback to the early days of civilization to explain how the animals became appliances when we see a saber-tooth tiger arguing with a friend of her's when she's been kicked out of her Pride for having an affair...

Complete with a cigarette in her hand. Ha. Ha. Ha.

...and decides she can't survive on her own, so she goes to the humans that might be eating another friend of her's, preferring them over starvation. And this is how the animals in the Flintstones' world become the appliances we know. Now, you might wonder how this is a bad thing as the tiger would've starved...well, that gets answered as we jump to the comic's present day as one of the animals, a bird that's the beater to a mixer, sees Dino playing with Pebbles and calls him a traitor.

Why yes. Yes, this will hurt later. This will hurt like the dickens. This'll hurt worse than the time your ABBA loving significant other took you to Mama Mia.

Unless you love Mama Mia, then it'll hurt worse than when your hair metal loving significant other took you to Rock of Ages.

We at B-Movie Bomb do not discriminate deep hurting.

This all leads up to the reveal that Fred and Wilma, after watching a right-wing news program saying marriage is wrong and just having orgies is right because it wasn't that way when they were kids...

HEY! HEY, COMIC! TURN IT DOWN! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF OVER HOW RIGHT YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARE!

And this is coming from a gay marriage supporter that hates ALL cable news.

...are going on a marriage retreat to see if this new hip thing---

...wait...Pebbles is 12 in the comic, does that mean they did the nasty in the pasty before they got hitched, early pioneers, nobody noticed until EVERYBODY did it?

---a try. They drop Pebbles off with the Rubbles as they drive off and run into Fred's old friends, Adam and Steve.

Yes. Yes. It's gonna go there. Yes. Yes it's going to hurt. And yes, this is despite the fact I'm WITH the comic on it's message!

I'm gonna lay the cards out on the table so there's no if's and's or but's about it: The main issue this part of the comic takes on is marriage equality and they're doing so by making what we consider traditional brand new in a world full of sex caves. THAT'S funny, THAT'S poignant! By turning the issue on it's head and making it about something most people think is right being viewed as wrong, it's an examination as to WHY people would get married, both gay and straight, and brings up some good issues for couples.

And by Gerald...

And if you read my review of the second issue, you'd get it.

...they screw it up SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad!

After saying hello, and Adam and Steve saying they'd like to give marriage a try...

Remember, it's gonna hurt, and I AGREE with this comic.

...they head up to the retreat and it's ran by one of the priests from the church issue. Oh, joy. And to complete this...joy of joys...he has a guitar. Great, all he needs is to play it under a tree and thus and the circle of douche bag is complete. Or at the very least, some stairs.

Speaking of circles, we go around one as we're introduced to people who have gotten married, from those that did it even before Fred & Wilma (Saying they've been for 30 miserable years) to a pair of youngin's who wanna know if marriage is for them. After the old guy warns the kids about misery marriage causes, the priest then asks Fred about what worries him about marriage.

And he gives an honest, heartfelt answer as asks if this means Wilma will love him forever, is he keeping her just so she doesn't find anybody else, or is there something to this being a “Bond” or is that all just an illusion. It's reflective, and it's something that many people in committed relationships, marriage or not, think about every once in awhile.

So, and this is the $60,000 question: “How do they screw it up?”

With no segway, the priest points to the main attraction of the retreat: ZIP LINNING! Oh yeah! After having my soul crushed by an honest internal examination, I wanna slide from 5 stories up!

Meanwhile, at Casa de Flintstone, the animal appliances are celebrating that the owners might not come back, saying things like “What's up, Appliance” and “Appliance please.”

Yeah...this is a slavery allegory, right down to calling Dino “Uncle Dino.” Where do I even begin in this? On the one hand, yeah, slaves were treated as property so I get why Mark Russle did this...on the other stop and think about this for the allegory: Dino is the family pet, and recycling appliances means you get spare meat.

This was written by the middle aged white guy who wrote a 14 year old girl elected to run the US via twitter, if you expect subtle, you've come to the wrong place.

As the appliances get back into position, due to it being pointed out the Flintstones would be back tomorrow, bowling ball opens the closet door and makes friends with the vacuum cleaner, bonding over what they are and what friendship means.

And, actually, the follow up DOESN'T screw it up, as it's actually about Carl Sagon at Bam Bam's and Pebble's school explaining why people need to be together and nobody wants to be alone, complete with a contrast that has Bedrock's citizens arguing with the mayor that marriage is wrong and they wanna go and deal with it themselves, only as a reaction to the Mayor saying “Guys, there's more important things to worry about,” making it actually funny.

So...and yes, if you're making this a drinking game, this is where you take a shot...how do they screw it up?

Back at the retreat, the young couple asks what the heck is the point of marriage and why they can't all just live together. The priest's responses asks if the wife wants the husband to support her when she's “Old and ugly,” while he then asks the husband if he'd prefer to know who the father of their baby would be. Because nothing says “Successful retreat” like the priest running the thing reminding you ether how lonely you'll be when you're old or your wife's a slut.

They then do an exercise that asks what would happen if their loved ones died, with the older bitter couple arguing about wills, the younger couple overacting, and Wilma wondering what to do as she never thought about it...to which the priest makes it WORSE by bringing up the possibility of what she'd do if Fred divorces her.

I don't think one of the mottoes of a marriage retreat should be “STOP HELPING ME!”

Mercifully, the angry mob shows up, ready to stop the pa---I mean “Kick the freaks out” when the priest jumps in and explains that everything around them is brand spanking new, from society as a hole TO marriage. Sure, it wasn't done when they were kids, but all they want is a chance for it to rise or fall without any pressure from people with a different opinion. In fact, he argues that over time, maybe they can all compromise or at least come up with a “Live and let live” situation.

And that right there is how you sum it all up. The other side of the issue might be scared because it's new and strange, which is probably why that one family member you know would join you in punching Nazis balked when he heard your two best friends of the same sex were getting married. Yes, there's assholes that stop it out of pure hate, but for now the comic focuses on those that are just stubborn I their traditionalist ways and I'm actually fine with that, other wise the trade I'm reading this from would BE issue 4.

Yeah, it'd be nice if they addressed those who stop gay and lesbian weddings out of hate, but the focus is mainly on those who don't understand why two men or two women would get married and, for now, I can live with that as it sums up both sides pretty well: You may not like it, but they want it so let it succeed or fail and, as long as you're not hurting anybody, you're free to agree or disagree.

Not only is this where you take a shot, but I'm telling you to down the whole freakin' bottle...

HOW THE HELL DO THEY SCREW THIS UP!?

It's at that moment, the moment the message is made clear, the moment the comic and it's writer take their stand, that Adam and Steve showed up saying they gave marriage a try...and the very priest that argued in favor of marriage said “No way, you can't do that.”

WHY!? Just...just...WHY!? You summed up the issue! You explained why those in the real world against gay marriage should give it a chance! Why do you need an actual gay marriage to drive home your message THAT USES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE IN IT'S PLACE!? It not only undoes the joke, but it just drives home that this comic thinks you, the reader, are too stupid to understand that this is about gay marriage, so here's an actual gay marriage facing the very problems this comic was using a straight marriage to talk about moments ago.

Or simply put this comic is the asshole that keeps yelling “DID YOU KNOW THE SLED IN CITIZEN KANE BEING ON FIRE WAS A METAPHORE FOR LOST CHILDHOOD!?”

Fred and Wilma address the priest and explain that the reason they're defending Adam and Steve's right to marry...

JUST LIKE THIS COMIC BOOK DID!

...is because Fred points out that Adam and Steve took care of members of his tribe that were too young, ill, etc to do anything beyond hunting and gathering, thus respecting their right to get married is the right thing to, and least they can, do.

To which Adam and Steve replied they're gonna get married by the Unitarians.

...again saying Bedrock has more than one religion...

Fred and Wilma then talk about the experience, saying all they need is each other, and the issue ends with the Flintstones back home with Pebbles giving Dino some pets...and the appliances appalled, saying the two should get a room, because “Uncle Tom.”

Yeah, is there any reason I argued that the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line fails at doing the Vertigo formula?

The idea is there, using the modern stone age family as a lens to satire the 21st century, but the execution is under “HEY STUPID, DO YOU GET THIS!?” There was no need for Adam and Steve to face discrimination about getting married when the whole issue was about that only using a traditional marriage in it's place. This is like reading The Boy Who Cried Wolf and the final paragraph is “Oh, by the way, it's about...”

The other half of the book actually starts an ongoing subplot where the appliances get more and more disgruntled and are supposed to be a fill in for slaves. Yeah, think back to the “Assorted Meats” gag from an earlier issue and tell me you're not going “UUUUUUHHHHHHH” while shirt tugging. The only thing to take away from that part is the relationship forming between Vacuum Cleaner and Bowling Ball.

And if you're wondering if this'll lead to anything...eh, kinda sorta, I'll explain more when I review the final issue in a wrap up.

Back to the main topic at hand, if you ever wanted an example of a comic beating you over the head while shouting “YA GET IT, STUPID” over and over again, issue 4 is your comic and, yes, I had a Hell of a time trying to review this thing due to the two issues in it, slavery and gay marriage, being really hot button topics today, so all I can say I hope to God the next issue is a cake wal---

“BEDROCK THE VOTE!”

OH, FUCK ME!

FINAL VERDICT: For thinking you're an idiot they had to repeat the message twice, for deciding that the appliances are a slave allegory without thinking about the previous gags, this comic gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! Wanna make the “Gay ol' time” joke? Wait until after the comic's done calling you stupid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need something to dull the pa---FUCK ME!

B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned: The Flintstones No. 3 (Spoilers)

Before anybody that's a fan of this comic groans at my next review, it's not that I have something up my ass, or I'm uptight, or even a Herbert...

Boy, I gotta stop watching so much Trek...

...but it's just that, for me, they're writing the satire/jokes with no breaks. They go into that one extra step that takes the satire one degree too far to where the message is less presented and more hitting you over the head while yelling “GET IT!? GET IT!? GET IT!?”

And the praise for this thing isn't unwanted, there's a reason the Hanna Barbara Beyond version of The Flintstones has a following AND was considered one of the best comics of 2016, there's some very clever ideas in here. A future issue uses traditional marriage in place of gay marriage to address the topic, turning the controversy and issues on its head. The church's scheme, from the last issue, wasn't to make money but actually make people better than they currently were. There were even genuine touching and humane moments in the comic, such as Fred and Wilma getting tired of all the crap around them and laying out their feelings on the table.

But there's something that always screws it up. The comic's writer, Mark Russell, seems to ignore the part of the satire that shouts “Now wait a minute, stupid” before it goes too far. Having God being products labeled “Crap,” having a UFC match right after a war vet has a horrible 'Naim like flashback, and stuff that's coming up that'll have me tug my shirt and hoping to God I don't say the wrong joke/thing.

So, what does The Flintstones No. 3 decide to satire? Two things that go together like oil and chocolate: Spring Break and traumatized war vets!

You're not the only one who's brain just had to reboot at that.

Oh, and when you hear just how the Spring Break part gets the satire treatment, it's gonna hurt. Lots.

So, the comic opens with the middle school versions of Bam Bam and Pebbles on a field trip to the planetarium. Now, at first, they do great with the jokes with the Carl Sagon look-a-like, named Sargon...

Ha, ha.

...telling the kids that there's thousands of stars and that Earth revolving around the sun is ridiculous when it's clearly on the back of a turtle that revolves around the sun.

You know the drill kids, on the count of 3! 1, 2, 3!

“So, how do they screw this up?”

Sargon decides to show the kids a rocket launch via the Rube Goldberg/Loony Tunes method by dropping a dinosaur on a plank of wood, thus launching the rocket ship on said wood, with a monkey in it. The monkey is named Sgt. Grumbles and Sargon reassures an inquisitive Pebbles that “His spaceship knows which way to go,” as Grumbles asks the dinosaur to “Tell my wife I love her very much,” with said dino replying “She knows.”

Yeah...we have a whole reference to “Space Oddity...” and the monkey is named Sgt. Grumbles...but don't worry, the title of the STORY is Space Oddity. As if that excuses it...I mean...IT WAS RIGHT THERE!

The one time you were allowed to do the obvious joke and have it be funny...

Naturally, it goes wrong and the monkey dies, causing Pebbles to wonder if they just killed a monkey to impress some kids. This day and age, all somebody has to do is heat an iron ball and put it on top of something to be easily impressed.

Unrelated, note to self, update favorites.

But it turns out the rocket got high enough to get the attention...of little green men. That's right, this comic introduces us to the Hanna Barbara Beyond version of the Great Gazoo and his people! Yes, where as at least the cartoon version had Harvey Corrman to at least salvage something, this is a Hanna Barbara Beyond comic, the same line that at one point made Top Cat a Batman villain...

Granted, nothing has come out of it a year later, as of this writing.

...or decided the Jetson's robot maid, Rose, needed to have the curves of a sex bot and have the brain of George Jetson's mom. Trust me when I say you're gonna be wishing the aliens from Viva Rock Vegas were the threat in this one.

After reassuring all they're just here is to explore, Mr. Slate wastes no time and starts kissing up to the lead alien, causing the alien to freak out and, as soon as he's on board the ship, remark that they should just note Earth on the “Galactipedia” and bail. This leads to Fred and Barn having a conversation about it with their fellow war vets at the pool hall, causing them to share the POVs from “Don't trust them” to “Being paranoid.”

So, how do they screw that up?

Well, a convo about invading aliens is the perfect time to force a commentary on returning soldiers! Yes, right out of no where, the soldier buddy brings up that if this is indeed an invasion, people will take them seriously again and we get a whole flashback where they were briefly famous then wound up not able to find work or homes.

*CRACK*

OW! OW! WHIPLASH! OW!

Mistreatment of our vets is a serious topic and something that is sadly still done to this very day, but this was really forced. How did we go to talking about aliens and their intent to 'Society turned our backs on us?' They couldn't just left it on 'We can finally feel needed again' or 'If they invade, we'll remind them why they once loved us?' It's like I said earlier, they have the message and the joke, they just don't know where to pump the breaks.

But, kudos to the dark joke where the suicide hot line puts one of the vets on hold and he complains about the hold music.

So, with depressed vets trying to find their place in the world in mind, now's the perfect time for the second commentary...

It turns out a second UFO, complete with an alien version of that mud flap of a naked woman, lands full of college aliens looking for “Galactic Break” fun! This includes wrecking a family moment with the Flintstones as one of 'em barfs in Wilma's kitchen, several them being hauled off to jail, and disintegrating the cops.

...how's this different from Florida?

This causes Bam Bam and Pebbles to head to the planetarium, while Fred runs home as the town is getting slaughtered by the college aliens. Once there, he tells Wilma to go find the kids while he gets some back up...while the news argues between the college aliens killing everybody or actually helping the economy.

*CRACK*

OW! OW! OW!

We then jump to the war vets and learn that in this universe, “Yaba-Daba-Do” is what the traumatized vets were told to say to channel through it and say it as in they can “Yaba-Daba-Do-it...”

...yeah, chances are real life traumatized vets wouldn't like that their issues were reduced to a 60's cartoon phrase...

...as Fred runs in to gather everybody, complete with a note to the vet who was...and still is...on hold with the suicide hotline.

Meanwhile, Pebbles and Bam Bam hit the Planetarium and...have a direction about being bullied...

Oh, it's just a bunch of drunk frat E.T.s and sorority E.T.s wiping Bedrock off the map for a drunkin' good time, that's all.

...seriously, I think Bedrock just invented Florida.

...before realizing the best way to stop these intergalactic A-holes is to call their parents. It works, as they're sent home and they send back the shark jumper himself, the Great Gazoo! And in this continuity, his name means “Game Warden.”

And if you're waiting for Dangerous Game jokes...yeah, my luck is I saw The Pest instead, and...

...yeah...not gonna do it...

So, the issue then ends with the mayor calling for the town to honor a true hero...

The monkey.

...who deserves all the reconition that he'll get via a statue...

It's the monkey.

...causing everybody to think it was the soldier that was dusted, the one that was used to say our vets are being mistreated by being put on hold for so long after calling a suicide hotline...

I know the joke, it's the monkey.

...only for it to be revealed to be, shock of all shocks, the monkey that started all of this. Why? Because the comic doesn't think jokes need breaks.

Here's the thing, I love satire. If done right, not only can it be funny, but it can deliver a powerful message, be it something major like politics or your own personal issues like getting tired of a movie genre. If done wrong, not only can the humor be lost, but so can the message as it's focus is to just whale you over the head while shouting “GET IT!?” over and over again.

And issue 3 of The Flintstones shows this problem off.

For every joke that actually works, like the turtle carrying Earth is what revolves around the sun or the on hold vet asking if the suicide hot line has good hold music, there's jokes that ether fall flat on it's face like using the song “Space Oddity” but the monkey is NOT Maj. Tom, commentary that's hammered in such as the digression of the vet telling Fred (And thus the audience) of how they were heroes one minute and treated like bums the next, or something that takes the satire into “GET IT!?” territory like the monkey statue at the end.

There are smart comedy moments and smart commentary moments, but when a joke comes to die, it FUCKING dies, and when the comedy and commentary collide, the part that should tell the writer “Stop, your satire's message went through” doesn't kick in and it goes that one degree too far to be funny OR subtle. Still, if you like this comic and this issue, there's some interesting takes on classic stuff from the show, such as Gazoo meaning/being a “Game Warden” or Mr. Slate trying too hard to be friendly to the aliens in the first place, making him more of a sleazeball than the cartoon.

But you just have to remember, unlike Maj. Tom's spaceship, when it comes to this satire, it has no idea where to go.

And folks, the next issue is the most famous/infamous in not only the entire comic, but the whole Hanna-Barbara Beyond line and it's a prime example of twisting a controversy on its ear for a satire...and beating you over the head with it regardless who's side you're on...mixed with ANOTHER issue that's a touchy subject.

Hint for the first one: Adam and *BLANK*

Hint for the second: A certain Taylor Swift interrupting rapper talked about it...causing everybody to point out he's ether on something or insane.

...ain't my job/hobby grand?

FINAL VERDICT: For satire that goes into “GET IT!?” territory, for jokes that show up here only to die, but bonus points for some jokes and satire that actually work, this comic gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! You might have some fun with it, just not what the writer intended. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready to review issue 4 of this thing, bomb shelters don't dig themselves.

B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned: The Flintstones No. 2 (Spoilers)

Last year, I reviewed one of the comics from DC's Hanna Barbara Beyond line, The Flintstones. Long story short, it was an unsubtle mess that included things like going to a UFC event right after a war meeting that had a vet suffer horrible flashbacks to an event that still haunts them to this day, a message about how “civilization is bad, m'kay,” and so on.

Well, since I had a good time reviewing it...

Not so much reading it.

...and you people love seeing me in pain...

Seriously, you people love seeing me in so much pain.

This Spring, starting with this review, I'm doing monthly reviews of the next five issues (2-6) of The Flintstones in what I'm calling B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned. A look at the rest of the first half of the comic that is ether a great commentary on modern society...or as subtle as a brick to the head.

Yeah, you can guess where it falls with me.

Now, before we start, I wanna make this clear: This isn't a case of “MY CHILDHOOD...”

Ok, SOME of it isn't.

...this is about how a comic tries to get mature readers using a license that's usually for families. It's not that it can't be done (Hell, Archie Comics' horror line and Riverdale proves that), it's HOW they can be done. If something comes off as bashing you over the head, it doesn't matter the property or how it's adapted, if you have a message you need to have a def touch, do it in a way that makes the reader draw his/her own conclusions. If you force the message, you wind up insulting the viewer on the grounds of “Who you callin' stupid!?”

A good example of something as subtle as a brick is the anti-Margret Thature ep of Doctor Who, The Happiness Patrol, where the main villianess has Thature's mannerisms, quotes, but a HUGE lust for power and urge to control everybody's free will. The end result is less a show telling you why somebody like Thature is bad for the country and more a show yelling at you that the woman is so nuts that she'll sick candy robots on you.

Not kidding.

So, what does something like The Flintstones No. 2 have in terms of social commentary and satire? TV, materialism, and religion. And if you're groaning at the two out of three, you know where this is going...and I'm so sorry.

So, the comic opens with a middle school aged Bam Bam getting threatened to be punched “In the beef...”

...you wanna tenderize his stakes?

...by a bully...until he lifts the bully and shows him off to Betty and Barney like he's a trophy, but like most parents, they tell him that it's nice and all but he's blocking their stories as the Rubbles have one of the first ever TVs. Fred thinks its a wall demon until Betty points out what it is, and I gotta say, I love how the TV is presented here. It's gray like the rest of the stones and broad casts in black and white, the end result being the “It's like moving pictures” phrase taken to the next level as it looks just like that, moving cave pictures. And the satire actually kicks off with a bang, as the newscaster is not only new, with the rest of his crew, to TV, but is actually shocked that kids are watching a violent image and apologizes on the grounds that it's their first day.

So, how do they screw it up?

By having the next story be about “Crap.” No, not that kind, the kind you buy but you don't need, spelled out as such by the news, complete with an interview with a guy that has tons of junk in his hands saying “I love my crap.”

Yeah, but he's got nothing on this guy.

So then the Flintstones head to the mall to buy, what else, crap they don't need. This includes a TV for themselves, a bird with a lot of teeth as a can opener, and a goat for weed eating, leading to (Admittedly) a funny bit where Fred says he bought a weed whacker prompting Wilma to ask “What's a weed?”

So, how do they screw that up?

Right after that, we go to a record store with some hint that it's playing rap music about rump shaking, causing Wilma to freak out and plug a middle school aged Pebbles ears right before leaving to go home and play with their crap, including weed eating and putting the living goat in the garage right after Fred's done.

And yes, this will hurt for future issues. And yes, you can probably guess the symbolism already.

Well, that part's done, time to satire religion! The Flintstones head to church to worship Morp, the God from the first issue the UFC fighter thanked. It turns out Morp is a bird that helped guided the first tribes across land and to water when needed, so naturally the priest of the church comes to one conclusion...

MORP IS THE RECORD PLAYER HE SAW AT THE MALL!

Yes, in a way that the comic shouts “GET IT” to the reader, their God is now their record player and thus tells those at the church that what's about to come out is the word of Morp...and that record is the rap that freaked Wilma out at the store, causing everybody to decide they're over religion.

If you're waiting for me to make the obvious joke of buying the wrong item, keep that in mind...it will hurt later.

While the girls go out shopping after church, Fred decides to go to his local VFW (The Water Buffalos for those that missed the first issue/didn't read the review) and laments to Barney that he feels like he can't afford everything but wants to make sure he can, causing one of his soldier buddies to hear and con the two into selling pep pills, which they agree to with at least Fred thinking things will be easy from now on.

The next day, the Flintstones head back to church, to which the priest decided “Ok, Morp's kinda not God” and pulls out a tiny elephant named Peaches and declares it the new God. When somebody asks what Peaches want, the priest replies “Uh, to have a good time” causing everybody to be happy...except the other priest who remarks that the answer was so stupid, he might as well join the Unitarians...

Wait, there's more than one faith in Bedrock?

Anyway, the Flintstones then go to Bone Depot...

Ha, ha, ha.

...to return their lizard garbage disposal only to be told it had to be recycled just before getting a bag of assorted...meats...

Ok, how many of you parents blindly bought this comic for your little one had to explain somethings?

They explore the store, but then the Flintstones find the store has their own Peaches. Several of 'em. See, turns out the mini elephant the church wanted people to worship as God...was a vacuum cleaner.

OW! OW! UNSUBTLE THUD HURT ME! OW!

The only saving grace with this bit is that it's hinted, via one of the preachers yelling the good things the church does like meals on wheels and that it's giving people meaning that this wasn't a money making scheme, that it was a way to unite people and make them feel something other than wanting to bash each other over the head. It's different, I'll give it that, on the grounds that most of the time, the joke is that the church behind it are like Oral Roberts or Joel Osteen, in it for the money and fame vs. making a difference.

But it still doesn't change the fact that in an issue that's shouting at you “MATERALISM IS BAD, M'KAY,” that the first two Gods they went to were a record player and a vacuum.

Despite all the positive things the church was doing, the people leave en-mass and cause the two preachers to think about who to make God when most of the animals are used for labor...

We'll get to that in a future issue...oog...

...and they just decide to make God invisible, calling him Gerald because they never got to the naming yet.

I dunno, he looks like a “Bob” or a “Jerry” to me.

While all this is going on, Fred and Barney sell those pills mentioned earlier, with Barney using his son's strength as BS to get people to buy and Fred going door to door, able to sell one to a hippie family...on the grounds they were looking for something to drop before taking a bath. Seeing he was only getting paid in one small pebble, Fred smashes the guy's desk and walks away in disgust.

I would've held out for clams, myself.

Eventually, a dejected Fred comes home and tells Wilma what's going on. Wilma then tells Fred that all the crap around them doesn't mean anything, that it's human contact she loves the most and whatever Fred wants to get rid of, he can because, hey, things are things.

Awwwwwwwwwww, that's sweet and touching and really drives home why the Flintstones are among the best pop culture family/couples out there.

So, how do they screw it up?

Well, future issues wind up showing the animals that make up the appliances as the sentient beings they were in the cartoon, but since humans can't understand them, they just use them and thus the comic makes said animals a slave allegory...

Oh, we'll get to that in the future.

...so let what Wilma said, and the “Assorted Meats” gag, really sink in.

As for the screw up within the issue? Fred takes most of the crap back...

Yes, calling the appliances “Crap” also applies to the whole slavery allegory in a future issue, let that sink in too.

...but finds, due to one of them being damaged, he can only get some of it back in store credit and must spend it in the store. The issue then ends with Fred seeing, in a cage due to being a discontinued line and about to be recycled, Dino and taking him on the grounds that he does nothing.

And yes, the other appliances, because of the slave allegory, will view Dino as an “Uncle Tom.” I already anticipating that review to be one of the hardest and most shirt tugging to write for obvious reasons.

Issue 2 gets the ball rolling better on what type of book The Flintstones will be for the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line and...it's a mix bag that swings mostly negative to me.

The main problem I have with the issue is that it wants to tell these jokes about the modern age and all it's issues, and at first it comes off good that way but then it has to take that one extra step that yanks it out of being subtle and starts whaling you over the head with it. After we see the news operate under “It's my first day” and just flat out calling all the junk people by Crap, the comic mixes religion into it's anti-materialism message the minute it made Morp into a record player...then just continued it by making the new God, Peaches, into a vacuum cleaner.

There were some unique ideas, I like that Fred and Barney aren't morons, I love how the TV, via the image being black and white, looks like the same stone color as the houses and taking the phrase “Like moving pictures” to a new level, the church actually coming up with Gods and such to make people good, and I thought Wilma asking what a weed was after Fred buying the goat was funny.

But, again, if you're gonna have a message on how focusing on having the next new thing is bad or hook your materialism satire into your religious satire, you need to do it gently. If they took out the religious stuff and just had the name “Crap” be the end result of the town just wondering what to name all the stuff they bought and it caught on in a positive way, it'd be fine. This at least does the wasteful spending satire ok, but linking it with religious satire is both a step too far and causes the reader to lose focus on what the comic is trying to say overall.

Bottom line is that while I can see why this comic has it's fans, there's too many moments where I could hear the issue yell “GET IT!? GET IT!? GET IT!?” for me to enjoy it.

And the shouting is only gonna get louder, folks.

FINAL VERDICT: For not knowing when to pull back, to flat out not knowing when to stop, this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Just because the Vertigo formula works on most kids properties, doesn't mean it works on ALL kids properties. Now, if you'll excuse me, my folks just got back from returning the dishwasher and decided suddenly we're having a backyard B...B...Q...is it too late to go vegan?

B-Movie Bomb Style Review: The Flintstones #1 (Old review, Spoilers)

Note: This is an old review, the third comic book one I've done (I'll post the other two at a later date).  I'm going to do a brand new special project with this that I'll announce soon after a couple of other reviews go up.  In the meantime, enjoy my first look at a Hanna-Barbara Beyond comic...Oh God...



In early 2016, DC announced that they were going to expand their line to include comic books based on classic Hanna-Barbera cartoon properties: Scooby-Doo, The Flintstones, and Wacky Races would get their own books, and more action oriented cartoons such as Johnny Quest and Space Ghost would get a team up book.



And the reaction was... oh, God.



The Scooby book, Scooby Apocalypse, presented a modern take on the gang...in a world where humanity is turned to monsters thanks to a virus made by Velma and her brothers under the idea of “BE NICE, DAMN IT” only for the brothers to make it “OBEY US, DAMN IT” and still screw it up.



The Wacky Racers book, Wacky Raceland, had the story be about sentient cars and their drivers in a post-apocalyptic (Unrelated to the Scooby book, last I read anyway) wasteland, driving around thanks to a mysterious announcer, and gave us a not-so-evil Dick Dastardly and turned an established character into a transexual because “DC IS DIVERSE, DAMN IT!”



Yeah, to cover my basses on that, I'd have no problems if it was a new character thrown in or if there was a in-story reason for this...but the issue I read didn't have ether, so...yeah, transexual for shock value.



Yeah, I read only one or two issues of those series (The team up book was ok) and didn't pick up another one with good reason. So you can guess why I didn't pick up anything after The Flintstones #1.



And you can probably guess why everybody's reaction to the comics went to “OH, JESUS, MY CHILDHOOD!”



DC doesn't have a problem doing kids' stories, they currently have a couple of Scooby-Doo all ages books, one of which is a team up with all ages versions of their heroes, and have for a long time (I don't know if, as of this writing, they still do) published a long running Loony Tunes comic book. DC decided these new HANNA-BARBARA books will NOT be for kids.



No, they decided it would be for the grown ups, a combination of their current main audience and those that grew up watching the shows...by saying one of the Mystery Inc. members tried to force people to think happy thoughts in one of the books and shouting “Look what we did to this character and his/her car” in another, HELLO!?



To be fair and to see where the series went after the first issue in case there's any lasting impacts, I'm also going to look up the TV Tropes for this thing so I don't have to read another issue of this...uh...thing. You'll see why in a minute.



So we open in the modern day...



And the book lost half of the original's fanbase, didn't it?



Yeah...you know the book's gonna try too hard when it opens with the modern day right before jumping into the modern stone age.



...where two people are talking about a frozen cave man, wearing a head piece made out of an animal and stones around his neck, wondering what life was like in the modern stone age, which cues the jump to a two page spread of Bedrock.



Ah, yes, the full town of Bedrock, home to such things like Slates Quarry, the local bowling ally known as Crane's Lanes, the near by Tarpit superstore, the Spears & Robuck behind it and the Bird Slavery Empor---uh...oooh... ooooh... oh boy... yeah...if I said Dino's viewed as an “Uncle Tom,” can I move on while shirt tugging? Please?



Ok...uh... and behind it is the Homo Erectus bar...



*THUD*



OW! OW! UNSUBTLE THUD HURT ME! OW!



Anyway, we then go to Slate's where we see Fred go into the boss's office and he's introduced to the company's newest employees, three neanderthals. Not that Slate cares, as he keeps calling them Cro-Mangons because “COMENTARY!” Fred gets tasked to showing them around town while he talks to Wilma, who's putting hand prints to paper and calling it art, and Wilma reminds him that both Fred & Barney have their veterans support group later.



Yeah...to skip ahead, this comic has commentary on war, specifically, depending on how it's written, Vietnam or the war on terror. In fact, Yabba-Dabba-Do isn't Fred's go to for “HELL YEAH,” it's what he used to tell his men to calm down and go kill some tree people.



Because THAT'S what you want to go with PTSD!



Well, turns out Fred forgot about that part and thus has no choice but to, along with Barney, take the Neanderthals with them...as they see a guy shout something along the lines of “YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN! YOU WEREN'T THERE!” But hey, who needs to deal with that, WE GOT STONE AGE UFC TO WATCH!



I am not even kidding, right from one of Fred's former troop members having a freak out, we jump to a violent UFC style fight, which the Neanderthals freak out at the violence... which result in the crowd cheering the near death beating and pterodactyls picking at the knocked out guy as the fighter thanks Morp, their version of God.



After seeing them at a restaurant and a bit of Fred and Wilma at home, complete with a gag where Fred asks why they agreed to a traditional wedding where he traded 3 goats for her hand...



And if you knew where the comic would be going with that very subject, you will be hitting the wall a few times. Speaking of which...



*WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM*



...we finally see everybody at work...and the Neanderthals wondering what to do with money. In this day and age, my generation calls it “50 years of Student Loan payments to go.” Fred then gets a call from Wilma, saying her work was approved and he's happy for her as she goes shopping.



I'll say this for the comic, they got Fred and Wilma being a loving couple supporting each other right.



After the shopping, we jump to a party at Slate's that both Flintstones were invited to. Slate tries to be the life of the party, even daring one of the Neanderthals to kill a nearby mammoth. Well, that didn't go well and said Neanderthal winds up in the middle of an avalanche. And if you said “Wait, isn't there a frozen---” Yep, the same one from the beginning. Oh, it gets stupider, but that's for later.



After that mess, the Neanderthals conclude that civilization is not for them on the grounds that the point to them is “Get someone else to do your killing for you.”



*WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM*



Yeah, gonna do one-two-skip-a-few here: It's later revealed in the comic that the war Fred and the others fought against the “Tree People” wasn't a real war, they were lied to because their leaders wanted to turn the land into what became Bedrock. Subtle as a brick, ain't it? Excuse me.



*WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM**WHAM*



We then jump to the art gallery, where Wilma sees her art is...by the toilets. Turns out the critics didn't think much of her hand prints...and nether does Fred until Wilma reveals this is all because when she was younger, those that survived long journies in her tribe left hand prints on the wall and when it was her turn, it made her the happiest little girl in the tribe. This causes Fred to remark he never really knew her until this moment.



Guess you don't get much info for 3 goats, huh?



The issue, mercifully, ends when it jumps back to the modern day and, uh-oh, it looks like that neclace causes the frozen Neanderthal to be mistaken for Mr. Slate!



Hahahahahahahaha...wait until the issues talk about marriage traditions, right wing news, AND more war allegories, that's when it REALLY gets hilarious.



And that sarcastic response is for the spoilers I read so I can do an accurate review, but can you guys see why, just from this issue alone, I won't pick up issue 2 or beyond anytime soon unless I wanna review them?



Pretty art can only do so much for a bad story, and while the art is pretty, the story is bad. I have no problems with more adult takes on the modern stone age family, one of my favorite episodes of Harvey Birdman has Fred on trail for being a mob boss, but this? This is as unsubtle and insulting as you can get. The jokes suck, and considering the back bone of the original is rock puns that should be a red flag, later spoilers link Yaba Daba Doo to PTSD, because I'm sure that's what real life suffers want to see, and the commentary is painfully obvious be it going to a violent UFC match after a war flashback or the quote one of the Neanderthals said before they left.



And from what I read in the spoilers, it just gets worse and worse, including saying the sentient animals they own are slaves and Dino's their “Uncle Tom,” the very first news broadcast is a right wing story about how monogamy is wrong because “Back in our day, it wasn't done like that,” and like I said, Yabba Dabba Doo is linked to PTSD, something I really don't think real life sufferers would enjoy.



The thing about The Flintstones is that it's supposed to be a knock off of The Honeymooners, only the tone is more family friendly than even the original show. It has stuff like an ep where Fred finds gold, brain switching, learning self defense, and so on. The closest to adult topics it came to vs. the comic is saying the Rubbles had to adopt without saying why, and an ep where Barney tricks Fred into thinking he's a counterfeiter.



How we go from that to a comic about a boss not caring calling Neanderthals the C-Word, I yabba-dabba-don't know.



Blame the comic and the spoilers for me making a pun that stupid, I've punished myself enough.



FINAL VERDICT: For going too far in the adult direction, for humor and storytelling that barley represents the show, but for pretty art, and touching moments with Fred and Wilma, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! I'll admit, the art's good and the touching moments with Fred and Wilma are just as good as the show's...but the story still takes the adult stuff a bit too far, and the spoilers to what happens after here just make this issue worse. Now if you'll excuse me, I wanna jump on this band wagon since there's an audience...I know... so I'm gonna look at what I can do with the PBS Kids line up. Ok, let's give the purple dino some fangs!