The Idiot's Lantern: "And lo, God said 'I Will Break Thine Thumbs...'"

NOTE: Yes, I'm aware I'm LATE on both The Flintstones and Kenshin reviews, real life got in the way.  I'll try to have at least one of 'em out before the year's out.

One of my favorite books is What Where They Thinking? The 100 DUMBEST EVENTS in Television History by David Hofstede. It's fascinating reading how the genesis of a bad idea not only started, but actually got the green light to be on TV, be it a prequel series to Casablanca...

Yes, really.

...or The Love Boat on land known as Supertrain, where we see the lives of various passengers and attendants of a train so big, not only does it take two tracks, but it has it's own ballroom!

Again, yes, really.

And it inspired this very blog series, “The Idiot's Lantern,” and yes, it's also named after when Brits saw TV the first time, some of 'em remarked “You look like an idiot looking at a lantern.” So, naturally, there are times where I wanna put my own two cents in one of the many MANY stupid events in this book, such as the time, oh, Oral Roberts extorted cash by saying God'll kill him.

Believe it or not, in the 80's, televangelists were kings. If somebody had a voice, charisma, a good actual church following, AND an actual church with enough room for TV cameras, you better believe that Sundays was a toss up between football and praying.

Actually believing in God, 7 times out of 10, was optional.

Yeah, for every legit televangelist that tried to reach your soul and help you go up, there was at least two that was more interested in lightening your wallet, claiming that big private plane or that vacation resort they're using your money for is to spread the word of Jesus. I don't the good book said “And lo, thine messenger shall fly first class...”

One of the big ones at the time was Oral Roberts, who's been in the faith business LONG before TV (Even got an early start as a Faith Healer) and thus knew just how to get the masses in, make 'em feel good about the sermon they saw, and made sure their soul didn't go to Hell. If anything, TV just boosted what was already there with the guy, seeing as he was on the radio in the 40's and had some of his traveling sermons on the air in the 50's. He even founded Oral Roberts University AND funded a hospital, what could go wrong?

How about implying God's a mobster?

At one point, it seems like God had enough of the shenanigans with the televangelists, as a whole lotta of them saw all the money and fame they were getting from this came back to bite them in the ass, be it the Bakers after Jim's affair was made public, or several being revealed to use the funds to fuel some drug habits. Roberts around this time decided to double down the pleading as his church was going broke, so he went to his flock, both in the live audience, and at home, and said that if he didn't raise $8 Million in funds, God'll “Call him home.”

Or for those that speak mafia, God asked Roberts if he ever visited Hover Dam.

Yep. Apparently, God was this...

...as he threatened to kill Roberts if he didn't deliver the goods. Needless to say, a whole lotta people went “Uh...” at that one.

But hold! Salvation came as when the deadline for God to give him cement shoes came, Roberts was handed a check...buy a professional dog track owner. In other words, the preacher accepted cash from a gambling origination. Can ya guess how many of the faithful were REALLY not happy with that one?

A combination of this, as well as the Baker scandal, and various other ones, caused people to lose their faith in these guys, and an unfortunate side effect is the hospital Roberts founded had to close. And the apple isn't that far from the tree, as Robert's own son, Richard, had to resign from his post at the University because it turns out, he decided church funds=personal funds. If you're still looking for faith on TV, there's still some televangelist on the air...but again, for every one that seems to want to help you go up, there's a certain asshole who refused to help flood victims trying to fund his own private jet.

And yes, I'm shocked he hasn't said “God threatened to take me to Hover Dam” yet.

Side Note: If you wanna look up more info, the entry is No. 13 in the book: What Were They Thinking: The 100 DUMBEST EVENTS In Television History.

The Idiot's Lantern: You Have The Right to Sing Off Key...

Note: I originally wrote a series of stupid TV moments years ago on That Guy With The Glasses and I won't deny I thought about re-reviewing this thing after the death of it's creator, Steven Bochco, but this is not to make fun of the man. This is to make fun of a series he did that was very flawed, but it doesn't take away both him being very passionate about it nor his skills that were responsible for the modern police drama as well as modern legal dramas. So please, enjoy this look as the one time a bad idea bared fruit from a smart man. Thanks.

If it wasn't for the fact that we had stuff like Hill Street Blues, there'd be no Brooklyn Nine-Nine. While you can argue what changed legal dramas first, since the debuts of L.A. Law (1986) and Law & Order (1990) were just a few years apart, but L.A. Law focused on the human element of the attorneys just as much, if not more than, as it focused on their jobs. One way or another, all modern legal and police drama, as well as comedies, that most of us have grown up on to this very day wouldn't exist without the creative mind of Steven Bochco, who wanted to look at the humans behind the badge, the people that defended the people, etc.

Unfortunately, he also decided at one point they should carry a tune, thus we were given Cop Rock.

The idea for this came when somebody had the suggestion of turning Hill Street Blues into a musical...

(Waits for the laughing to stop)

...and those plans fell through. Well, proving that any idea, even a bad one, can stick to you like glue, Bochco decided to go with it. And I'm willing to bet some of you were wondering how the heck could this idea go through, especially since I anticipated you readers laughing at the idea of a Hill Street Blues musical, right? Well, Bochco's shows gave any network he was on at the time the best ratings they ever saw, be it legal dramas like L.A. Law or medical dramedies like Doogie Howser M.D., thus giving him enough clout to...

Only say “Cop Rock” to get the okay. Yeah. No pilot, no trailer, not even a writer's bible, just the title and the minute his bosses heard the first word of it, “Cop,” they thought “Cha-ching!”

Did I mention it lasted only one season and was out before it's only year, 1990, was over?

So, just how stupid can it be if I can write about it without seeing an episode (Don't have the DVD from Shout! Factory...as of this writing anyway...) but I still feel like I can write about it? Well, for every moment of awesome that's this...

You have moments like this...

For things like a powerful opening like “Under the Gun...”

You have...whatever this is supposed to be...

Oh, and if you're wondering if the ladies get their own “Bumpy” song, well for every moment that shows the girls ready to kick some ass...

You get this...

To top it all off, one of the main overacing plots was about baby kidnapping...yeah, try to process that with half the songs I showed you, throwing in with it an entire song about how you should think of the local sleaze ball “Baby broker” as your new best friend. It's kinda easy to see why with all of that it lasted only one season, but they actually went out with a bang with the entire cast actually singing the final song, complete with the fat lady singing because, get it?

Bochco would go on to create other successful dramas such as NYPD Blue, and whenever he or the cast of this show are interviewed, they have nothing but praise for the show, saying it's some of the most fun they ever had so there's that at least. Top it all off, some of the show's fans say that the camp value makes it more fun, and some of the songs that I looked up for this were pretty catchy...

I SAID SOME!

For awhile, VH1, A&E, and currently defunct network Trio actually aired this show, and most of them promoted all the eps as “Stupid fun,” something that, via the camp value I mentioned, the fans agree with. If you guys liked this article enough, I'll get my hands on the DVD from Shout! Factory and review the episodes proper, but if you wanna see this thing for yourself, Shout! released it a couple of years ago on DVD, so chances are you can still get a copy.

Just remember, it's a “Bumpity Bump bump” ride.

...I'm...sorry...