B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: 1967's Casino Royale (Spoilers)

Usually for April, I set the month aside to review parodies or rip offs. First year, I did the Asylum, second year I did Chipmunks Go To The Movies, an entire season of the 80's revival of Alvin & The Chipmunks that were nothing but movie parodies, vs. their originals, third I tried the Asylum again...and damn near quit reviewing all together because the stinkers I picked were just HORRIBLE to begin with.

So, this year, to filter things out, let's try both! Two Asylum movies, two parodies, and let's get the ball rolling with...oh sweet merciful crap... the 1967 Casino Royal...it's too early to wish I was so drunk...

By 1967, the James Bond franchise had became such a hit, it was decided by producer Charles Feldman to adapt the first novel, Casino Royal, into a movie regardless that the major right holders of the Bond franchise at the time, and still are, EON Productions. Well, rights or no rights, he was gonna give us James Bond Year One...

Until he decided at the 11th hour to make it a comedy directed by SIX DIRECTORS...

More on that later.

...that would actually be a parody of the franchise. How 11th hour was this? Well, when it was originally supposed to be a drama, they got Peter Sellers to sign his contract under the idea that he was gonna finally show the world he could do more than shout that he can walk or be a bumbling inspector...only to find out what he signed got turned into a comedy and there was no way out...so he just decided NOT to be in a comedy. More on that later.

Folks, when I say this stinker is bad, I don't just mean on the screen, but behind it too. In fact, this review is either gonna be long because to explain how we got this mess, I have to...uh...explain how we got this mess, OR I'll have to break it into two parts.

So we open on Bond (Peter Sellers) meeting an agent at one of those things that's set up to help ya use the bathroom when you can't find one...with the joke being he shows his papers where his junk is as a bunch of school kids walk by.

After we get a nice song from Burt Backarach and opening titles that...well...spoil the movie...

Well, no need to watch, bye!

...ok, fine...

...we go to the English country side where four delegates made up of M (John Huston), CIA man Ransome (William Holden), member of France's Deuxieme Bureu Legrand (Charles Boyer), and KGB man (Kurt Kazaner) later identified as Smernov...

Because Vodka would be too damn obvious.

...heading to Bond's. We get some exposition that hints that the name's been passed down as we're introduced to the “Original” James Bond (David Niven, who has a stutter for some reason in the first act) as he not only deduces all the gadgets and weapons the delegates have, but decides to take a shot at Sean Connery, as he mentions how he hates that M-16 gave his name and number to that “Sexual deviant.”

Ok, I'll give the movie that joke since Niven, no joke, was one of the people in the running for Bond during the pre-production of Dr. No, so to me, I think that shot was more for him than anybody.

After calling everybody out for their gadgets, and Bond getting called out for the call out, he then points out that while time passes outside his walls, he doesn't have to worry about that by taking them outside (After waiting for a costume change) to show them a black flower that has grown in one spot, never changing. They beg him to come back, but he refuses to hear them...because it's time to play a particular song with his past...oh God...his past...

Ok, with what I'm about to write up here, please keep this in mind: This thing is set in the then modern day of 1967. Got that? 1967. I wouldn't keep pointing out this was set in 1967 except there's a backstory that'll cause your brain to SCREAM “Wait, this is 1967” until you hit a wall.

So the delegates talk about why Bond not only quit but refuses to go back, when M and Legrand reveal the truth: Turns out Bond did have a one true love back in his spying days. However, because of his deuty and the reveal that she was an enemy spy, he had to turn her in leading to her execution, thus he vowed to never be a spy again.

That woman? Mata Hari. The one who died in 1917. That sound of your frontal lobes shutting down in protest is normal...and it'll get worse.

Eventually, Bond sticks to his vow, even refusing a direct order from the queen, causing M to signal for the British army to blow up his house, thus forcing Bond to re-sign...only for it to backfire, killing him and the other delegates, thus causing Bond to head to M's home castle in Scotland. This causes the agents of the evil organization, SMESH...

Which...sounds like a drunk movie goer trying to tell you to keep quiet...

...to storm the castle and place in agents in disguise, with the only one with a convincing accent to take the lead, Mimi (Deborah Kerr) but the gag is that it's obviously fa---wait a minute...

*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

Kerr's Scottish...she's playing somebody who does the Scottish accent badly...how stupid can---no, no, I don't want that answered, I don't want that answered.

Anyway, it's revealed the only thing left of M is his toupee, so when Bond asks what they're gonna do with it, all Mimi can say is that it's a family hairloom...

OW! OW! PUN HURT ME! PUN HURT ME! OW! OW!

After more weirdness from the castle being full of young red heads...

Ok, somebody on staff was happy that day.

...to the family tradition of eating Goat Hagass, Bond gets ready for bed only for two of the red heads taking off his clothes as part of a plot to make him look like a sex fiend to the rest of the world! This includes a young red head, hinted to be 17, in the tub “Testing the temp,” and scrubbing ALL the bits....

All for moving o---thank you!

So the next phase of the plan calls for them to do a drunken celebration of M's life...which calls for the agents to actually GET drunk...kinda counter productive of the plan, but ok...while Bond is able to drink the whole (Fake) clan under the table... in some cases literally as two of 'em fell under the table. I guess holding your liquor when applying for spying is optional.

Well, pedophilia didn't work, getting him shitfaced backfired, so it's time for straight up seduction...only for that not to work, so now comes the “Try to embarrass” part as the penalty for refusing to bed the widow is Celtic games...complete with Mimi yelling “Play ball...” ok...

So, the first go around has Bond going up against these giant Scotsmen tossing literal stones...only for the giants to do everything from break the floor to their dang fool heads and each other due to the weight of the stones. Meanwhile, Bond is able to lift them just fine...which causes Mimi to suddenly speak French. I guess staying undercover is filed under the same optional features as staying sober. After showing off that Bond can break the styrof---I mean “Stone” ball, we jump to the next day as the girls rig a hunt to kill him while Mimi is locked up by said girls thanks to falling in love with him.

Keep this in mind, it will hurt later. By God, it will hurt later.

Mimi breaks out, complete in her evening gown and...mud boots...

Unique bed time combination...

...to help Bond out by sending the exploding birds back to the girls, while answering that they were ordered to corrupt him or kill him by the International Mothers' Help, East Berlin.

Insert Million Moms joke here.

In the conflict, Mimi gets wounded and acts...well...OVER acts like she's about to bite the dust when in reality she's...becoming a nun...and no, there is NO reason given...other than to have Niven in his boxers fall over as he says good bye. After a failed assassination attempt, Bond goes back to M-16 where he meets Money Penny's daughter (Barbra Bouchet) who, after a kiss Bond suddenly springs on her...

It's the 60's, women weren't people yet.

...informs him that her mom became a nun, causing Bond to say it's all the rage...OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, that's why Mimi became a nun, this joke! HAHAHA...ha...ha...all the joy in life just got sucked out of me...

Anyway, Bond declares that he has no time to stammer...which is what we get for why he no longer stutters...as he now has M's job and is going over the agents that have bit the dust in various parts of the world as we jump to one still alive, Bond's own nephew, Jimmy Bond (Woody Allen) and we get to the ONE of the main problems with this movie.

I'm gonna one two skip a few since the plot factors in as to why they did this: Bond gets the idea to assign multiple people the name James Bond to trick SMESH into coming out in the open at one point and get them. Thing is, that means each agent has their own segment...and each segment has their own director...SIX DIRECTORS IN TOTAL. While it's one thing when a movie has a co-director, six is just asking for trouble...especially if all six only have SOME of the script.

Yeah, in a real life case of par for the stupid, each director was only given a section of script, so they had no clue what came before or how what they did tied into the overall movie. This caused a LOT of stress on set, to the point where everybody was fighting each other, on top of the six directors fighting each other already. Top it all off, the sixth director WASN'T EVEN PLANNED TO BEGIN WITH! Production on this thing to so SNAFU'd, that an uncredited director (Richard Talmadge) had to step in.

Again, this is ONE of the main problems. ONE!

Jimmy's segment is pretty much all the “Nervous characters Woody Allen plays as a secret agent” so I think I can skip most of it. So, Bond has a plan: Since all the agents seem to die in sexual related acts, find an agent that be trained to resist women! But it's the 60's and since all agents are supposed to be straight, this means a gag where Money Penny's daughter gets a row of men and kisses all of them to find the right one!

I had to watch it, I had to type it, you had to read it, I don't know who hurts more.

So she winds up bedding one of the guys, Coop (Terence Cooper) thus meaning...he gets the job? I thought it was supposed to be somebody who RESIS---oh, right, 60's, women not people yet. Yeah, bedding the judge to get here suddenly makes sense. Bond then announces the aforementioned plans to turn all the agents into 007, including the women, to trick SMESH while Coop goes to his resistance training...meaning various women try to seduce him and if he can ignore them, the plan is a success!

Again, 60's, women not people yet.

At first it's going great, until The Detainer (Daliah Lavi) shows up and both view the judo tossing as flirtation. Meanwhile, Bond goes to see Vesper Lynd (Ursula Andress), who left the service to trade in stocks, bonds, and weapons. He asks her, in exchange for a write off, to help him get a well known gambler known as Evelyn Tremble, the James Bond from the opening. And we get to the SECOND main problem of this movie.

Peter Sellers signed on to Casino Royale back when the plan was for it to be a straight up adaptation, a more traditional James Bond movie. He was so happy that he got the part because it would show off that he could do more than comedy, that he was THE actor of his time...then the 11th hour change to a comedy happened.

Well, not deterred, Sellers decided right then and there he wouldn't be in a comedy. Oh no, he obviously honored his contract, he just decided not to act like he was in a comedy. Almost everything he does in this thing is 100% with the idea that he signed up for a drama behind it because he did sign up for a drama. This was just ONE of the problems production had with Sellers and factored into his firing halfway through filming. I'll get to the other problem later.

So, Tremble goes into Lynd's ap---wait...I know this song...

...yeah...that's the “Look Of Love,” a classic love song that's been passed from generation to gen---WAIT A MINUTE!

*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

THIS is where it comes from!? This freakin' mess of a movie!? THIS IS HOW THE WORLD GOT THE SONG!?

I just got knocked so stupid, I can't do math anymore.

They then go to her underground sex room where she tells him to put on different outfits to see how he looks in disguise, including Hitl---LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY! THE INVISIBLE NOT HITLER BUNNY BEHIND YOU!

Yeah...remember, Sellers went in with the intent of acting like he was still in a drama...

After being told that he's being hired to play Baccarat against one of the world's top players, we jump to the James Bond school where he runs into Q (Geoffery Bayldon) and...a few bad jokes including a guy dressed as a lawn gnome being the head of security, a hat the fires a gun backfiring with bird whistle.

After seeing Tremble fixed for gadgets, we jump back to Bond who finds out the whole Mothers thing was just a SMESH cover operation. Thus, they need to recruit somebody they won't expect that can join it or other cover groups, thus Bond decides to go to a hidden temple to recruit his own daughter: Mata Bond (Joanna Pettet)!

Hey! I can do math again! (Reads last paragraph) ...oh God...I can do math again...

Yeah...despite the year Hari was executed, despite the age of the actress (And the character), and all the years in between, this is...SOMEHOW...the daughter of Mata Hari and James Bond. Oh, and the real kick in the pants? She's a bad dancer to boot, as we see her introduction has her mostly...well...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqjhHVUzl8o

That.

So the two have a talk, revealing everything from everybody at the temple views her as a Goddess to that if Bond wasn't her dad, she'd...

...not touching that one. Nope. Not even going for the joke. Moving on.

She gets recruited and takes a tax---wait... (Sees the driver) ...Benard Cribbins!? I wonder if between this and the second Dalek movie he thought about firing his agent...

Anyway, she takes a taxi to West Berlin...complete with water damage and sea weed, ha, ha...and after arguing with the driver for change, she goes into the Mothers building, revealing it to be one long parody of German expressionism right down to the hall way being The Cabinet of Dr. Caligri...

No, I have no idea what that OR German expressionism as a full have to do with Bond.

..where she meets her mom's teacher (Anna Quayle) and the teacher's sidekick (Ronnie Corbett). They then inform her, while giving a grand tour, that the building, which is really the Mata Hari Dance School, is very democratic...as in they train spies for both sides of the iron curtain.

Well, they can at least say they don't discriminate.

They then show her a couple of rooms, an all red room for decoding done by blond women...

Because German Expressionism.

...and a karate class set on fast forward in an all white room while the students dress in black.

Because German Expressionism.

After the sidekick tries to get in bed with Mata, complete with him spilling the beans on SMESH'S financial officer, Le Chiffre, and stumbling onto Mata Hari's teacher who tells her about an auction made up of pictures that both the Commies AND the Capitalists bid on for later use. Oh, and be clad I don't do the dialogue verbatim during this entire bit, it'll just drive you around the bend and make you dumber in the process.

The taxi driver shows up to get Mata Bond out of the auction room and reveals he's a spy with the Foreign Office and has orders for her to stop the auction by any means...and those means are to snatch the pictures and play old war footage because everybody there is stupid enough to think it's an actual war. After a brawl that includes Hari's teacher dying from a gun of a dead World War I solider...

I...I don't know.

...she escapes with the film, and after seeing that the sewers sing “What's New Pussycat...”

...decides to take the cab all the way back to London. When the auctioneer fails to get the pictures back, he calls Le Chiffe (Orson Wells) who says the only way to get the cash back is to play baccarat, right before blowing the auctioneer up. We then jump Tremble's part as Bond as he...punches a customs official for no given reason...ok...we then lead to Q talking to Tremble under the cover of being at a car wash where...several women are trying to hump the car...

Ok, I might as well get to the THIRD major problem this movie had...

As stated before, Sellers refused to act as if he was in a comedy, so he played his part as if he was still in the drama he was promised. Well, when he saw the production was sliding into comedy, AND he was getting more paranoid that people were stealing his spotlight, he hired some of his friends to do some re-writes for his parts. What was rewritten and what was the original, I have no clue as the inept of one SOMEHOW bled into the inept of the other.

Sometime after getting settled into his room, he's then introduced to SMESH agent Miss Goodthighes (Jacqueline Bisset) and if I have to explain the joke, you also need an explanation for the name Plenty O'Toole. She tries to spike his drink, he tries to counter it...but the counter doesn't work as he's knocked out, leading to a dream sequence music video...and no, this isn't the worst thing to cause a movie to stop. That comes later. Oh, and this sequence includes Tremble literally playing Lynd like a piano.

Wait, so if a woman tells me to player like a fiddle, does that mean I have to use actual strings?

After Lynd wakes him up, we jump to the casino itself where Le Chiffre is on a baccarat winning streak...and suddenly decides to pull magic tricks, which leads to the FOURTH problem with this movie.

Around this time, Wells became interested (And obsessed) with magic, so when he agreed to sign on to the movie, he had one major condition: Several minutes to do his magic acts, on camera, with no editing. The people behind this thing really wanted him, so they said ok. So, yes, to get Wells on screen for several minutes, the movie has to come to a screeching, grinding halt so we can see Wells levitate a woman. After that trick, Tremble drops off the cash he's going to bet with and then goes into the office of the head of the casino (Colin Gordon) where, via both a one way mirror and security footage, Tremble reveals Le Chiffe's use of infa-red glasses to know what cards are being delt right before heading to the table...leading to problem NUMBER FIVE!

As I said earlier, EVERYBODY was fighting and feuding with each other during production, but nobody more so than Wells and Sellers, which made filming the baccarat scene with them together, something that had to be done, impossible. It all started when the Queen's sister, Princess Margret, arrived on set. Sellers already knew the woman, greeted her...and she blew past him because he was drooling over Wells, thus rushing to see him. On top of that, Sellers was becoming paranoid AND superstitious around this time, thus thinking Wells doing magic tricks was causing some supernatural chaos during production.

More like stopping the film, but ok.

All of these together caused Sellers to VOW to never film with Wells again, so the crucial baccarat scene the two had to two together had to be filmed separately, or mild hostility would be turned to HOSPITAL hostility.

I'd mention how it makes the scene awkward and almost horrible to watch, but Wells and his magic tricks just keep going, and going, and going...

Finally...FINALLY...the game starts rolling, complete with the BRIEF shots of them actually being together (BEFORE all the drama), and...I'll admit, the honest to God baccarat playing was tense and I was hanging on every moment. But it doesn't take long for the screw up, as after Tremble wins the game, Lynd is kidnapped, thus Tremble...has to change into a race driver's uniform and go into a Lotus 3 while speaking in rhyme?

I know I already used it once, but this movie...

We then see...Tremble captured by Le Chiffe with no explanation...uh...ok...which leads to one of the most tripped out sequences in the movie, and helps put it under the “Psychedelic Comedy” territory, as Tremble sees nothing but women projected on his face, mannequins, and suddenly finds himself dressed in a Scottish bagpiper's outfit. He then looks out the window and sees himself calling for help before he's in the middle of a bagpiper's parade...that has Peter O'Toole...ok...admittedly, there's a funny bit where after Toole asks Tremble if he's Richard Burton, he says HE'S Peter O'Toole, causing the real guy to call him the finest man that ever lived...

Ugh, I'm just giving a summary and I feel like I'm having the acid trip.

It then turns out Lynd is in the crowd and shoots them when they start attacking Tremble. This leads to her attack Tremble on the grounds that the production staff had enough of Sellers's antics and fired him half way through filming. We then jump back to London, where Bond tells Mata to wait outside of MI-6, leading SMESH to do this elaborate kidnapping involving a UFO. Bond figures it out right away and tries to have the air force follow it, only for it to lose them...but Mimi shows up in time as a nun seeking donations, and uses the recept to tell Bond that Mata is in Casino Royale.

I normally say I heard of dumber ways of call backs and payoffs...but no...no...this is the dumbest...

I am 8 pages in and all I feel like I'm doing is saying “NOT FUNNY” over and over and over and---

Bond and Moneypenny's daughter go to the casino and the main office, only to be ambushed in a fight sequence that reveals the office is actually an elevator that takes the two to the underground SMESH base, where after killing a duplicate Bond robot, they meet the actual SMESH leader, Dr. Noah...

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

...aka JIMMY BOND! ...wait...huh?

Yes, turns out Jimmy, due to his own self confidence issues, made a virus that turns women into babes and kills any men over 4 feet. Jimmy has Bond and Moneypenny's daughter taken away while he...looks over a naked Detainer...uh...wait, when did she get captured?

“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”

Of all the things to bring back from previous reviews...

Anyway, he then goes on to explain what we already know, including his jealousy over his uncle, and various shtick including falling off a rodeo machine. He then reveals one of his greatest creations: A pill that turns whoever swallows it into a walking nuke with each hiccup counting down to destruction. He then reveals his other great plan: Kidnap the world's leaders and replace them with fakes!

It's politics, would anybody know the difference?

She then spikes his drink with his pill just as Bond, Coop, Mata, and Moneypenny's daughter bust out of their cell. After a fight that results in the base starting to self destruct, they run down the hall and run into the Detainer and...Frankenstein's monster?

I know what you're gonna say. Yes. ALL the drugs.

They get back to the casino with the Detainer taking the back way...why the others don't, I don't know...with Bond ready to call for backup only for Lynd to stop the call. But it, or the “It's for love” quote she gives for SOME reason, doesn't matter, as the American aid arrives...in the form of cowboys...

Oh God, here we go.

While the cowboys and the SMESH agents start fighting, Jimmy is counting how many hiccups until boom, somebody launches a flying roulette wheel with bubbles, a monkey in a wig pops out from under that table...ok...everybody's smiling and laughing due to the bubbles/laughing gas from the wheel, one of the fighters gets tossed into a room where women are painted gold...

Gotta shove a Bond parody in somehow.

...a plane labeled 007 launches stereotypes of Native Americans...complete with their parachutes being tepees...into the casino, somebody who was thought dead earlier pops in, the keystone cops are called in, the Native Americans do a tribal dance, there's two seals with collars that read 007---

*HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK*

THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANDS, I CAN STANDS NO MORE! I'M UPPING THIS WRAP!

…

*HEADDESK*

WRAPPING THIS UP!

The Casino eventually goes boom, as all the Bonds wind up in Heaven, even Jimmy, until cut footage of Peter Sellers shows up and blows on Jimmy, thus causing him to go down to Hell and this finally...mercifully...ends!

I'm dumber. I'm officially dumber. And chances are, you are too, but at least you have me as a buffer, where as I had to watch this mess that actually caused one of the people who worked on it, Charles K. Feldman, to have heart problems that wound up killing him two years later. Yes, this thing is so horrible, it actually killed a man!

Killed a few of my brain cells, I know that!

It's unfunny, uneven, unfunny, inept, unfunny, stupid, unfunny, moronic, unfunny, badly written, and above all else, UNFUNNY! Spy parodies in the hands of people who know what they're doing can, and have, worked, but this was changed at the 11th hour and it shows. This was done by multiple directors and the results speak for themselves. Top it all off, things are left unresolved, unexplained, and nobody cared...and frankly, nether do I. This mess is over, it's done with, and I don't EVER wanna watch again. Nobody was happy working on this thing, and I can see why. Talented people are wasted, funny people aren't funny, things happen at random for the sake of happening at random, and this was just stupid stupid STUPID!

FINAL VERDICT: For being unfunny, stupid, painful to watch, fatal to one of the producers, and left a bad taste in everybody's mouth from those who worked on it to those who watched, this movie gets a WORLD DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Hands down, one of the worst parodies I have ever seen, including the Movie-Movie ones. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remind myself I can laugh again, so I'm gonna pop in It's Pat just to FEEL something.

B-Movie Bomb: The Car: Road to Revenge (Spoilers)

NOTE: The Kenshin movie review is TBD, real life has gotten in the way.  In the meanwhile, let's use this review to get back into the swing of things...and don't operate heavy machinery if you see this thing...

If you ever said to yourself “Why can't there be a land version of Jaws?” you clearly haven't been to the video store OR streaming recently.

If you ever said that same question to yourself back in the '70's, the stupid answer to the stupid question would've been The Car A 70's b-movie piece of idiocy clunker that was about what happens when Satan decided to posses his own Coupe De Evil. No, really, apparently people are overrated, so he came back to Earth in the form of a car created by the guy who did the 60's Batmobile.

There is not one joke in that paragraph.

Described by it's fans, and it's critics, as “Jaws on land,” The Car is mostly known as a Razzie Winner these days that's good for a few laughs on a b-movie night with moments like a teacher saying it's normal for one of her students to draw her naked or how an empty car fooled a cop with just an open door.

Again, no jokes.

But the bottom line is this: It's Satan mowing down people in a Coupe De Evil. That's it, that's the horror, that's the plot.

Which means it translates PERFECTLY into The Car: Road to Revenge where The Car IS THE HERO OF THE STORY...kinda. Yeah, turns out Universal kinda sorta BS'd most of it.

Straight to both video and streaming, this movie is less of an actual sequel and more of Universal...for reasons only they and God know...

Though I doubt God wants anything to do with The Car...

...trying to keep the rights to the original. It's ether that OR the thing was an original story and somebody thought slapping the name of a movie that STILL gets ridiculed to this day would give it money. I'll say this, I was curious enough to rent it on the grounds that, one way or another, a sequel was attempted alone, so it was a success in that regard ether way.

And make no mistake, the original has fans, and rightfully so. People enjoy this movie one way or another, ether as legit 70's horror or on the same scale as people enjoy cheese-ball movies like The Thing With Two Heads. But this movie removed MOST of those elements, from enjoyable stupid moments like a character taunting The Car to the iconic like it's horn. Yeah, the horn, the very thing fans think of when they hear about the Coupe De Evil isn't used even once.

So the movie opens with a credit sequence made to show off the car in question, then jumps right to a chase in a “20 minutes into the future” type setting between a cop (Grant Bowler) and some punk dressed in all leather and with metal allover the place driving his...lime green Prius with racing stripes...

Because when you think end of the world scum bags, you think Prius.

The cop manages to capture the bad guy, leading to a trail and the charges told to the judge by the head DA, Caddock (Jamie Bamber), which leads the judge to declare the crook for execution...which happens right then and there, no waiting.

Does this mean we're all ruled by Texas?

Well, turns out the guy they just blew up in the courtroom has a data chip that has all the info on the rest of the town's scumbags. Why he does, we don't know...and we really don't know who these people are. Yeah, I'm looking up stuff on IMDB, but I don't know who goes to who. I only guessed the first two actors due to both the IMDB AND the Horrorpedia, and the Horrorpedia might as well be the deep end of the kiddie pool that's all the info on this movie.

All I know about these people so far is one's a cowboy, one of 'em had got a cyber arm, one of 'em is fresh from Hot Topic right after it went mainstream, one looks like an Iggy Pop cosplayer, and one is dressed like Liberace.

So after Caddock's attempt to get his ex back goes south, right down to him saying “I will not stop coming for you until you're mine...”

Yeah, that whole good guy thing the plot summary said? So far, false advertising. Unless in the future, that's the new “I love you.”

...he tries to crack open the chip with less than legal means, only for his wormy assistant to leave right before the aforementioned bad guy group break up and wreck up both his office AND his face.

BTW, I'm watching the unrated version and most of the “Gory” moments are really really REALLY bad CGI. Like I half suspect this budget is whatever the head of Universal's Home Media department found in his couch.

Their search turns up nada and their boss...again, I don't know who the character is, so I don't know who the actor is...gets so mad, he...exposits that he created them...okay...not the reaction you'd expect from somebody mad, but then again, this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.

Later that night, the car comes to life and...kills an innocent person! Yeah, that whole “Seeing revenge on the bad guys” thing in the trailer? That's another lie! Battin' 1,000, Universal!

After a funeral that includes the ex saying she found it comforting to be in a relationship where she had to ask permission to laugh or cry...

...I...got nothing...this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.

...we see the cop trying to find out why the guy who blew up had the chip in the first place and The Car stalking the ex, who the cop tried to talk to about why the DA was killed. We then jump to the guy with the cyber arm, as The Car is ready to mow him down right after said cyber arm guy taunts it. The good news is he was smart enough to hide in a building...the bad news is he runs in front of a window big enough for the car to drive through and squish him.

It's NOW, when the cops are looking at his body, I hear his name is Henry and...the IMDB page doesn't go that far. Yeah, I know, “Wait for the credits” and I might put something in this review, but I'm writing this as I go as this is a case of a stupid movie I DON'T wanna see again! I was originally gonna write it as I went anyway because, well, its a sequel to The Car, but then you have moments like that stupid line that painted a controlling relationship as a good thing, does that sound like something ANYBODY with a sane brain want to see outside of a rift party!?

So, yeah, we can safely say that Henry is the second victim of the DA soul's Murderous Benz.

FEED ME, SEYMOUR, FEED ME!

So the detective talks to the ex and, while having booze at a fancy Japanese restaurant...I guess that's by the book...inquires about the kind of car Caddock had because it matches the description of what ran over Henry, causing her to...be offended when asked what car she drives and leaves him to pay the bill...meh, for all I know, booze IS a business write off.

She invites a friend of her's over just as the bad guys find her, and of course, said friend is killed by their thugs. They try her next, only she has a gun and is able to fight them off and run into the woods...where the car...somehow...knew they would be...okay...

I don't care if it's magic, you HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT!

Eventually, it comes down to a showdown between The Car and the Iggy Pop lookin' bad guy in his car, which naturally ends in a bad CGI and bad practical effect mess of The Car turning him into a pancake. Not even The New Day can save this one, folks.

Yeah, that's how bad this movie is, I'm FORCING wrestling jokes.

The detective eventually puts the ex in a no tell motel...so no tell even I can smell who was in the bed the night before last...until the next day, where she insists on investigating the case with the detective, namely The Car.

Hey, this is a future where it's apparently ok to question witnesses over wine, don't question it.

They go to an underground hacking club...as opposed to the mainstream ones...where they wanna inquire about the one thing that binds this all together, something called The Night...only for it to just HAPPEN to be the day a group connected to The Night raid the place and kill almost everybody. Doesn't it just suck when another event takes priority even though you booked in advance?

Turns out the raid was so the Hot Topic looking one can get to the ex, leading to a fight between the two. Considering one is in leather and the other is in tight blue jeans, 3 guesses on why it's here.

No guesses on why I was staring at the TV for the fight's length of time.

Eventually, Hot Topic breaks out the flame thrower, but she has a gun and, per Hollywood rules, this means the flame thrower BACKFIRES and fries her like she was covered in gas. But this isn't enough to kill her as, remember, she has to die at the hands of the Merciless Benz.

Ah, that one was for me.

Sure enough, they take the fight outside and the Benz shows up to 86 Hot Topic, but has enough romance in it to roll down the window and play the ex's favorite song. Sometimes, it's the little things.

The ex and the cop go back to his apartment, says that he's the way he is because his family died, we're all animals, blah, blah, stuff you heard 500 times before, where they proceed then to get it on! Oh, one night of hating each other, all it takes to turn somebody on is a dead family and then showing them how you punch things!

Did I mention this was a stupid stupid STUPID movie?

So, the head bad guy declares war on The Car and throws in rewards for it, the ex, AND the chip that has all the info, causing the gang to get ready to go to war...but enough about that, we got the obligatory “Sleep with her now she hates you” plot as she says her theory that the car is possessed by Caddock causes the cop to look at her like a skeptic.

At least he didn't laugh at her, THAT would've been wrong.

She leaves in a huff with the cop leaving the apartment sometime after...and with The Car waiting for him there all night. Yep, Caddock's soul waited under the apartment as his ex had sex with the cop. I don't know if it's creepy since his headlights saw nothing, but it's close.

This causes the cop to run out of the closed...doors...wait, if the doors were closed the entire time, how'd The Car get in? Wait, again, where did the ex go if she didn't see The Car!? Why didn't Caddock leave if he saw the ex leave!? EXPLAIN, YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID MOVIE!

So, naturally this leads to a chase between the cop and the Caddock possessed car...again, so much for the trailer and plot summary saying the guy was a good guy...

He gets away as the Car leaves with the bad guys following The Car...and I don't know what's least believable, the punks in a black outed Cadillac or one group in a bright purple Camero with racing stripes...while the assistant DA listens in that the ex is...still at the apartment...but, we saw her lea---screw it, I don't wanna continue this thing for too long, let's just move on.

While the punks are after the Car, the Night sets up the detective for the murders while kidnapping the ex, only for the ex to reveal she's not an idiot and turned the tables! Finally, somebody smart in this stupid stupid STUPID movie!

Speaking of stupid, we go back to the punks as they keep losing members to the Merciless Benz as the two fake cops that took the ex go splat. The Car sees this, and recreates the car flipping stunt from the 70's movie in, and I admit this, a nice homage to the original as the flip takes off a couple of heads. Desperate to get rid of both The Night AND The Car, the ex works out a deal with them to take care of it. Of course, unlike the first movie where the humans are idiots, The Car falls for the oldest trick in the book and when he thinks she's going to die, falls into a hidden pit and presumably dies as the ex gets betrayed by Night.

So much for somebody smart.

I'm reviewing this thing as I go, this sucker is 2 minutes shy of the 90 minute mark, I'm at the 1 hr 4 min spot...and I'm on page 4. This thing is about as deep as it's IMDB page.

Naturally, with the Merciless Benz junked, now's the perfect time for Ronny Cox to cameo as a mechanic that finds it...and chances are do the stupid thing. We then jump to the ex, who admits to the head of Night that she has dark impulses to kill all the rich people she works for, thus...she's in with the group? How the Hell can the stupid get stupider from h---

BY HAVING THE CAMEO MECHANIC MERGE THE PARTS OF THE MERCILESS BENZ WITH THE COUPE DE EVIL! Because hey, having an insane lawyer's soul in a car isn't enough, he needs the touch of Satan!

After a bit where the cop gets some info on where the bad guys are from the assistant DA, we see the mechanic did, indeed, mix and match parts of the old and new Cars together, and whatever was holding the previous version back from going on a rampage is gone.

It's almost as if fusing an already unstable soul with that of Satan was a bad idea.

After the cop determines where Night and the ex are, we see the head of Night has given the assistant DA over to the ex to do whatever she wants because he failed the group. This includes pouring wate---I mean “Alcohol” over his wounds. Yes, that is clearly “Alcohol” being poured. No fooling me.

But, par for the stupid rears it's head as she takes advantage, wounds the head of Night, and runs off with the head burning the assistant DA. As all this is going on, both The Car AND the detective pull up to the club with the detective going in. Apparently, the club doesn't have big enough windows to make an insta drive-through...

*CRASH*

Or doesn't need one as it just crashes through the front door and starts mowing everybody down!

This should be fun, this is directed by the guy who did Death Race 2050, so he already knows how to not only make a good b-movie, but one that keeps the spirit of a previous one. This should've kept the parts of the original The Car that caused it to have fans, this should be cheesy as Hell...but it feels so stupid an inept as I'm sitting here thinking “Wow, thank God the club's designer made those ramps big enough for a Benz.”

The Liberace guy catches up to the ex and is ready to kill her when she fights back and finishes him of. Hey, somebody has to now that they completely flipped The Car's switch to pure evil. It's now down to the cop, the ex, the head, and The Car, complete with---oh for the love of...REALLY!? A first person chase that's only a few seconds!? 5 minutes of it didn't work for the Doom movie, it ain't gonna work here!

Well, the stand off doesn't last as the Merciless Benz runs over the head and splits him in half while the cop and the ex decide to try to stop The Car once and for all. The ex taunts The Car, causing it to drive into a forklift armed with explosives, killing it once and for all.

By law, I have to...

The cop gets cleared, he and the ex hook up, there's 4 minutes left, bring it out already.

Sure enough, The Car is still alive and takes the ex for a ride. Having enough of The Car's shit, she takes it apart bit by bit, trying to stop it, while saying she's done with...all the people...okay...uh...wasn't sure the whole “Wanna kill the rich” was 100% a character thing, just something she said to let the audience in on her connection to the bad guy...never really had that much of a subplot of her hating ALL the rich, just that her ex-boyfriend was too controlling...what ever, there's still 4 minutes left, let's just end this thing.

She unplugs the AI, causing the Merciless Benz to stop allowing her to get out and push it over the cliff, supposedly drowning it...with 3 minutes left. Sure enough, we go to the bottom of the lake and the lights come on and we FINALLY roll credits.

I should really watch the whole credits and go back, point out who's who and all that...but that would require going back to watch this thing and re-watching one part is one part too many.

This is inept straight to video at it's worse. Yeah, I wasn't expecting much because, as I said, straight to video...but at the same time, I've seen better straight to video efforts from things like Cartoon Network's two straight to cable Scooby Doo movies. Hell, I actually enjoyed Archie: Return to Riverdale more than this, both ironically AND unironically, at least those movies I mentioned had something resembling some form of effort and plot.

This was just a stupid movie full of stupid people doing stupid things for a stupid stupid STUPID movie! This movie said that this was supposed to be about an unscrupulous DA possessing his car and running down the people that killed him...which we later see is BULLSHIT as not only does he have control issues, but he mows down innocent people both before AND after parts of the Coupe De Evil mixed with the Merciless Benz.

Then there's moments like that line about the ex saying the controlling relationship was comforting, I can't remember anybody's names let alone if they were mentioned, and that everybody here is an idiot. At least the original has an excuse of just being a good time to rift on a weekend. This? This is just a clunker that couldn't even get started.

FINAL VERDICT: For feeling lazy, inept, having stupid people doing stupid things, horrible lines (Seriously, I think people who got out of controlling relationships will take issues with that statement), and plots that feel like they were after thoughts (Be nice to see the ex interact with more rich people), this clunker gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! MAYBE you can find something to mock, but chances are you wish this movie was Fixed Or Replaced Daily. Now, if you'll excuse me, my ex has possessed my car and I'm gonna do the one thing nobody thought in this situation...SNEAK A TWO FOR ONE DEAL IN THE DRIVE-IN!

B-Movie Bomb: A Christmas Story 2 (Old Review, spoilers)

NOTE: Due to real life, the Flintstones No. 5 and the second Kenshin movie review will be delayed until after the Holidays.  However, I didn't want to leave you guys hanging, so here's a repost, with a few tweeks, of a review I did sometime back on Channel Awesome's blog.  I'm doing this because it's Christmas theme and I'd sooner choke on a fruit cake than see this movie again.  Enjoy.

A while back, the Nostalgia Critic brought up just how commercial A Christmas Story has gotten over the years from replicas of the infamous leg lamp to Christmas/Holiday food products baring it's name and an entire cell phone ad that parodied the plot of the movie, replacing “You'll shoot your eye out” with “You'll run up the bill.” I'm 50/50 about this.

Not about the ad, that was really really stupid.

On the one hand, if you love a film so much you feel it should be celebrated in someway from having a replica of the lamp or the BB gun to actually seeing the house or visiting a museum dedicated to it, celebrate it as long as it's a nice and healthy response to it. It connected with you, resonated with you in someway, and still entertains you and your loved ones to this day.

On the other hand, mass commercialism for this gave the world A Christmas Story 2: The Quest for More Money.

Ok, I added that last part of the title, but you can't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing when it was the only reason to exist. Labeled by Warner Bro's DVD movie division, Warner Premier, as the official sequel...

In the same way water is a sequel to oil.

...this was made to simply be a cash grab of a movie that has gotten more and more mainstream thanks to networks TNT and TBS running the original movie 24 hours (And that one year by USA Network) for over 20 years as of this writing. Thing is though, this mess wasn't based on anything by the original story's author, Jean Shepherd's, story; this was an original story in the same universe as the original movie with the same characters.

Yes folks, it's just-under-90 minutes of fanfiction. Be afraid, be very afraid.

And yes, there IS an official sequel to A Christmas Story done by Shepherd called It Runs In the Family aka My Summer Story about the family after the events of the first movie, namely about one summer in the lives of Ralphie's family.

So, yeah, only reason this movie is an “Official” sequel is because Warner Bros. said so. Again, be very afraid.

So, the movie opens in the old CGI'd mat panting of 1940's Indiana...

Boy, reading that just makes you wanna sing “Back Home Again, In Indiana,” don't it?

...with the house on Clark Street...if the house was smaller than you remembered seeing it. But, hey, if you wanna be reminded you could be watching the first, and much better, movie, narrator adult Ralphie (Nat Mauldin) will be happy to oblige as, right the *BLEEP* outta no where, he brings up the parents feuding over the leg lamp.

Yeah, get used to a movie so desperate to make you think it's the first movie, it's gonna constantly REFERANCE the first movie. Standing on it's own, any hack sequel like The Empire Strikes Back or A Nightmare on Elm St. 3 can do that, this takes true talent!

It's been six years since the first movie, so naturally we're treated to an older version of Randy (Valin Shinyei) being into the same sci-fi and fantasy stuff Ralphie was in the first movie, Speaking of which, we see the now 15 year old Ralphie (Branden Lemasters) admiring his hair, then his mom (Stacy Travis) putting up the tree while dealing with Randy's swearing. And...so far, so average, I don't see anything that can---

OH, HAI DANIEL STERN!

Yeah, Daniel Stern's now the Old Man and...boy, talk about a miss. He's a good actor, but he only gets THAT the Old Man is a popular character, not the WHY as most of his intro comes off as the bumbling dad trying to do G rated swearing Vs. the swearing from Ralphie's POV from the first movie. We then break down the rest of the family, namely that things are still the same like the dad being into the White Sox...then complaining about something they did... ha, ha, ha...and the mom who...collects bacon grease?

Wait, what? And...why does it look like she wants to make love to it?

So the kids go off to school as we then focus on Ralphie being with his friends, Flick (David W. Thompson) and Schwartz (David Michael Paul) from the first movie as the three talk about how...nearly naked Rita Hayworth gets in her latest movie...because this is what I think about when I think about A Christmas Story, three morons talking about the 40's equivalent of what'd you see on Skinamax. The three then stop to drool at a Buick Roadmaster because two of 'em are huge car nuts and...the movie comes to a halt to show the time the Old Man was teaching Ralphie how to drive, right down to the time honored tradition of 40's road rage, complete with swearing.

Well, at least he's ready to take on the Dan Ryan.

Time to resume the plot...

Oh, God.

...as the three morons finally arrive in school, Ralphie sees the one thing other than cars that gets a teenager all gooey: Girls, namely Drucilla Gootrad (Tiera Skovbye), the object of his affections through this entire movie that doesn't have 4 wheels and vrooms.

I think, I don't know their sex life after this movie.

But because he's not a jock, he has to settle for just looking at her...in a way most people would find super creepy...and fantasizing about her...being tied up by a Nazi...

Our lead has deep deep DEEP issues.

So, yeah, Ralphie has the same fantasies he had as a kid...

Because why should a movie stand on it's own two feet?

...as he rescues Gootrad from a Nazi (Alex Zahara) that had her prisoner.

Well, enough of that, time to get back to the movie proper...

...really? We have to go back?

...where Ralphie is back learning how to drive by the Old Man as they go out to pick a used car. The good news is that his lessons are sticking, as this time he doesn't ruin the clutch. Easy to remember when the Old Man cracks you treat it like your mother...in...law with a...punching...mot...

Isn't this just what you think of when you hear the words A Christmas Story? “You'll shoot your eye out,” Santa at the department store, punching your in-laws. It just FLOWS naturally, don't it?

Anyway, while The Old Man wheels and deals with the car lot's owner (Gerald Plunkett) for a good price on a car, the wind picks up, causing the storage room to open up and revealing a used Mercury inside. Gee, that was nice of GOD, wasn't it? Feed the hungry, keep the world spinning? Nah, give the 15 year old his dream car! Well, this is enough to stop the movie...again...as Ralphie has another fantasy, but it's a sane one this time as it's just him driving down the street with Gootrad. When the movie resumes, we get a montage of the Old Man saying things like “If you don't ask you don't dance” because him being full of stuff like that is important for...reasons.

Well, enough about that, time to invoke the first movie again as Ralphie does everything he can to get that car because he's crazy about a Mercury...

Hey, you thought it too, don't lie!

...including planting fake ads in a magazine, having a convo about getting another car...only for it to crash and burn when the furnace crashes and burns. Because, hey, if you wanted cliches you came here, you wanted an actual story with some thought, you saw the original.

Back to school and band practice, where Ralphie uses his position to...smell Gootrad's hair behind her in a way that is not subtle and is in fact 100% would get him arrested creepy...

This flows so well with the image of the wife giving the Old Man a blue bowling ball after putting it on his own balls, doesn't it?

...and...uh..wow...I don't think the Nostalgia Critic was joking at this point...I think he really does need to change his pants...or he really really REALLY loves playing music right after smelling a woman's hair...

...I think I just listed a modern day fetish...

Anyway, after that, Ralphie takes Flick and Schawartz to see the Mercury, only to find it's out and for sale, waiting for somebody to by it. Because we've established at this point that he's a creepy lil' idiot, Ralphie decides now would be a good time to go in and play around with the car in the lot. Because THAT'S what you did when you were 15, hopped in a car and went “Vroom.”

Actually, I don't know if you did that when you were 15, I don't know your sex life.

So, he goes in, plays with the steering for a bit, notices it has all he wants and more in a car, and realizes that his chances of getting it are slim...and that's as far as we get for mature real world Ralphie, as stupid moron Ralphie pops up when the car lot's owner shows up to show off the Mercury to a customer. Now, sane and rational people...provided they didn't play with the wheel like they were kids...would get out of the car, explain to the owner they were eyeing it but can't afford it, and move on.

Ralphie jumps into the back, causing his pants to get caught on the emergency break. Sure enough, it releases the break, causing him to take off his pants to get free but not before the bumper lightly taps a lamp post, which causes the plastic deer hanging on it to crash into the convertible's roof while Ralphie screams “OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!”

Because we wanna make you wish you were watching the first movie, regardless of how we do it, as much as possible!

Turns out it's gonna cost him $85 for the top, and because back then it was a lot of money, the trio decide to unite and do everything they can to get the cash by Christmas Eve or Ralphie does not pass go. The guys try to gather up as much as they can, only to get $19. Randy over hears this and laughs, for the same reason Ralphie's scared, namely that now's the time to tell his Old Man and he doesn't want to because he's a cheapskate. He's so scared at doing this, this causes...oh jeez...yet ANOTHER fantasy, this time as a dead teenager walking down death row as the other two are a cop and a priest respectively. The reality is they shoved him outside because they figured being cheerful and happy would be the perfect time for Ralphie to talk to his dad.

It works at first, the Old Man offering to put up a couple of bucks, thinking it was for a gift for his mom...then Ralphie blabs and asks for the rest leading to a rant where he says “Nope, you gotta earn it on your own,” and it's here where we have the problem of having Daniel Stern as the Old Man. The reason McGavin worked so well as Ralphie's dad is because he came off as a natural dad. Yes, he'd probably would tell him the same thing, but Stern's comes off less of a dad teaching his son a lesson and more of a cheapskate going 'I'M NOT LISTENING, LA, LA, LA, WON'T SPEND MONEY!' McGavin's Old Man would swear, yell, and even call him a moron, but would address that Ralphie needed to learn his actions have consequences the same way you'd see any reasonable dad that heard their kid broke a window tell his kid to pay for it.

This asshole? He comes off more as wanting to save a buck than honestly tell his kid “You have to learn responsibility.”

With that bit over and done with, Ralphie sees a picture of Santa from the local department store and realizes he, and the others, need to get a job at the local Higbee's...which means the plot has to come to ANOTHER screeching halt for a fantasy. This time, Ralphie being employee of the year, being honored by FDR and getting Gootrad, complete with a newspaper announcing their wedding.

We get back to the film proper...

As much as I don't want to.

...with the Old Man at it again with the furnace while mom tries to hide some loose change that she found. This leads to them calling a repair man...and the Old Man swearing up a storm every time he heard the repair man bang the dang thing. After hearing the prices for a new one, the Old Man tosses the guy out right before he and mom go to get a turkey.

Say, remember how in the first movie it went out of the way to show how much the Old Man loves turkey? How it was such a character trait that they even carried it over into both the stage play AND the recent Fox live show? That bit where he acted like a kid being told not to touch the freshly made cake?

Well, you can chuck that out of the window, because the minute he sees how much the turkey'll set him back, the part of the his personality the movie wants you to remember most, that he's a cheap ass bastard, kicks in and takes it back. When his wife can't talk him out of it, he gets the bright idea to go ice fishing. Yeah...the equipment, reserving a piece of the lake, the pole itself... vs. a bird that's $.40 per pound... wait, $.40? Hell, I'll take it!

And that's the problem with this movie vs. the original I'm 31 minutes into the film and I already know the one of the movie's major flaws outside of it existing: The characters aren't human.

Even after 20 years of 24 hour marathons, one of the main reasons people can connect with the original film over and over again is because the characters were human. The dad was a cheapskate, but you can tell just from the performance and his actions he loves his family. The whole film is a flashback told from the author's POV, thus he made mention of what went through his and every kids' minds back then, there's a reason “Flick Who” and that bit about not getting caught are some of the film's most memorable moments.

I'm watching not even 90 minutes of what people who watch Full House think humans with flaws act. Ralphie's a horny moron, the Old Man is a cheapskate that comes off as preferring to save a buck over actually wanting to teach his son a lesson, the mom loves bacon grease, and the little brother is a smart ass. The only human element is the narrator...which is easy for him to channel because Nat Mauldin WROTE THE DAMN THING! Yeah, easy to know your character's motivation and reason for the story to exist when you WROTE YOUR CHARACTER'S MOTIVATION AND REASON FOR THE STORY TO EXIST!

While Ralphie and the others get ready, we go back to the Old Man being a cheapskate, intruding on a remolding to ask where they can get another furnace, with him getting angry whenever she brings up the screw ups he did. Well, that was a pointless digression, lets go back to the main part of the story...

...oh God, make it stop!

...as it turns out, because they have the IQ of sitcom characters, gift wrapping isn't as simple as fold and tape it as the shoppers are ready to start a riot, this causes one of them to be so stupid, they actually wrap a baby basket with the baby still inside. Baby suffocation, that's funny, right? Seeing that's not enough to get fired, the store tries to put the three in separate locations, with Schwartz handling spraying perfume samples, Ralphie setting up the window display, and Flick in shoes.

If all three responses range from “Oh God” to “Make it stop,” you can ether see the future or have seen the other 500 movies/sitcoms that have done this before. Case in point, Schwartz can't tell one end of the bottle from the other and winds up macing himself with some Ode De Toilet, Flick falls over with a tower of shoe boxes landing on his back, and Ralphie gets caught in a compromising position with a mannequin...that he's actually dancing...with...

Ok, if that thing comes to life and I hear “Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now,” I'm gonna roshambo somebody.

This continues on, including a fat joke involving Flick putting on the wrong size shoe on a woman...and on including Schwartz molesting a woman when perfume splashes on her...and on with Ralphie and the dummy...and on...and on...

Eventually, the guys wound up earning the store money for all the antics...and yet NOT get fired. For crying out loud, did Ralphie invent blackmail and hold it over the manager's head, that's the only reason I can think of!

They go back the next day and the store gives them the EASIEST job they can, the mail room. And yes...this is gonna hurt.

Back to the plot that I wish time forgot, as the Old Man gets ready to go ice fishing...on Lake Budget (Seriously, you can even tell the woods are fake)... with Randy, who complains about the cold. The Old Man tells him the key to it is patience...and that's when a big blizzard hits, causing the adult Ralphie to remark that this is why his brother still lives in Florida. Ok, that got a chuckle out of me.

Hey! I said something nice about the movie, and no side effects other than these loud pops I just heard an---oh, the room is spinning... *THUD*

After another bit with the furnace, complete with the Old Man actually scoring a new one, we jump to the next day where the furnace gets installed...and we learn from adult Ralphie he'd sue the installers in six months...ha, ha...ha? This all leads up to Randy, who complains about going back to the lake, cracking his tooth on a semi-frozen candy bar, causing him to run away from his mom the minute he hears he's going to the dentist because in the first movie, he was such a little kid.

Speaking of “Because of the first movie,” the gang are doing a good job until Flick wonders what it would be like to stick his tongue in one of the vacuum tubes in the mail room, leading to the expected sounds of your childhood, your love for the original bit, and all hope dying inside. After getting him out, they're told they need to fill in for the elves because, again, “Because of the first movie” as a bad department store Santa (Garry Chalk...yes, Optimus Primal, you may cry now) complains about his wife hiking her skirt up to the kids.

This isn't just fanfiction, this is bad copy and paste fanfiction, something I unfortunately did when I was starting out as a writer so I know how bad they can be. But I have the excuse of 'Was starting out, didn't grasp fanfiction let alone writing,' just how long as Mauldin been wr---“A DAY IN THE LIFE!?” One of my favorite episodes of Night Court!? The same guy who wrote this movie wrote this!?

https://youtu.be/IBma9Z5dOao?t=6s

ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR! CRITICAL INFO REPLACED WITH DESIRE TO SEE WOODY WOODPECKER MOVIE! ERROR!

Well, time for another digression as Randy gets taken to a dentist (Tony Alcantar) who has one of those old fashion drills and doesn't believe in numbing the patient. Because that's what you wanna see with the words A Christmas Story, right? A kid going through the same torture that comes after the words “Is it safe.”

Back to the main plot...

Can I surrender!? Can this stop if I surrender!? No? How about defect!? Can it stop if I defect!?

...Ralphie's had enough and calls out the bad Santa for...uh...being a bad Santa. Declares that everybody can go home, causing everybody to get mad and Flick and Schwartz to fight over their jobs, namely that Flick wants to keep his job and Schwartz thinks Ralphie is in the right, causing the whole thing to close anyway.

Back to the ice fishing plot that won't die, as mom gives the Old Man some soup and offers to help him fish. She winds up catching a big one, only to see the hole is too small, causing the line to break while she pulls on it and he tries to get the fish out. This leads to an argument between the two...and that “More of a cheep bastard” problem with Stern rears it's ugly head, as it gets heated, blames her, and refuses to admit to all the mistakes he's done just to “Save money.”

You know what, let's bring up an example of something like this happening in the original movie...and why the bit added in the Live version wasn't needed.

In the original movie, the leg lamp broke, causing the Old Man to yell that the mom did it on purpose and was always jealous of his success before he went out glue hunting to no avail. And you know what happened the next day? NOTHING! The plot moved forward, husband and wife still loved each other. In the live version, the two looked like they were on the edge of a divorce, and after the dad's walk blew off steam, he calmed down at the same time she did and they forgave each other. While that was a nice outcome, that really wasn't needed.

Going back to the “They're human” thing I mentioned, you can tell in the original movie that they're a loving family, that despite all their arguments, moments where they get angry with each other, and stuff that do at times drive a wedge, stuff that happens to most families, at the end of the day they still love each other above all of that. This movie on the other hand? The Old Man's a bitter asshole. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it, he's an asshole. McGavin's Old Man always came off as tough and cheap, but fair, where as Stern's comes off as “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I DON'T WANNA SPEND, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

After a digression, where Ralphie mentions that his mom is worried about letting her sons go...

...huh? When was this ev---forget it.

...we see that one of the kids at the store, who asked for a tire, is homeless thus causing Ralphie to think about what Christmas means before heading home. After finding out that his dad is still out on the ice, Ralphie heads there...to Lake Soundstage... where the two NOW have a bonding moment. Yeah...after spending most of the movie being a jerk, NOW they try to get Stern's version of the Old Man to be an actual dad. Oh, whatever, movie. This causes Ralphie to think about what he has to do and be determined again to get the cash to fix the car.

Eventually, the Old Man comes home...looks pissed off at his wife...

Gotta love how this movie keeps the spirit of the characters we know and love!

...causing her to break out the change jar for an idea. The next day, Ralphie begs for one more chance and---OH THANK GOD, I HAVE ONLY 25 MINUTES OF...THIS...thing...25...min...oh God...I have 25 minutes left...

Eventually, Ralphie asks for another chance and after saying he won't back down, the store gives him one...by putting him in a reindeer costume because the first movie had bunny pajamas. This is all to attract customers, which at first seems stupid enough, but then he gets into a bell fight with a member of the Salvation Ar---er...“Random Charity That Looks Like What You Think It is” for...reasons...I guess...anyway, then Gootrad is seen with her boyfriend, causing Ralphie to try to hide behind the guy so he's not seen in the deer costume. This causes the NOT Salvation Army guy to push him into some stuff, causing Ralphie to bounce back and knock over his bucket. While picking it up, a $5 bill blows away and a man picked it up, which Ralphie calls him out on...to which he gets punched in the gut before the guy puts the bill on his costume's antlers.

Yeah, this screams what you see when you hear A Christmas Story, doesn't it?

After seeing that his crush saw this, Ralphie goes back home to see he's a dollar short and nobody can help him because his friends are tapped o---wait a minute, Schwartz has his hand in his pocket...and yes, this goes EXACTLY where you think it's going, because Schwartz refuses to part with even $1, going as far as to make up a BS story about it being passed down from family to family, on the grounds that he's Jewish.

Movie...I didn't need the help to set the bar for this thing low.

After the fight to get it...which involves taking off his pants and I'm pretty sure that on top of getting it would land him a jail sentence anyway, Ralphie heads to the dealership, complete with passing a display of the leg lamp in the window on the grounds this thing can't stand...

...OW! OW! OWN BAD PUN HURT ME! OW!

...on it's own, only to encounter the homeless people from earlier and realizing that, even though it means jail time, he's got enough cash to treat 'em to the Chinese restaurant on the grounds of both it's Christmas AND this thing can't stand on it's own. Having enough to get something else to hide in the basement later that night...

Gee, I wonder what it can be, says the guy who saw an earlier reference to the first movie.

...and then join his own family for dinner. Just when it looked like the Old Man learned his lesson about being a stubborn asshole, in comes the wife to save the day with a fish she bought at the store and BSing that the dad caught it, something that adult Ralphie says he brother never found out the truth about. Hope you have time to say hi, whoops.

The car dealer calls Ralphie, wondering where the money is leading him to head to the dealership to explain the whole thing with what he has left. Because it's Christmas and we need contrived writing, the dealer forgives and forgets and calls it paid and tells Ralphie to never lose that can do spirit as it'll make him big one day!

Insert “The More You Know” logo here.

Jump to the next day and it's Christmas, where we see the Old Man still loves his wife after getting a fishing kit, meaning he learned his lesson...I guess, Randy gets a Buck Rogers toy, as well as a sailor suit from Aunt Clara because the first movie had Ralphie wear her bunny pajamas, and a montage of other gifts via an old fashioned camera. But, because we're not done referencing the first movie, Ralphie pulled what the Old Man did with the BB gun on the Old Man himself, only this time with the leg lamp, causing the Old Man to look like he wants to hump it right then and there.

...yeah, you could crack it as a joke easily in the first movie...I'm not sure it would be one for this...

But one good bad reference deserves another as the Old Man tricks Ralphie into a family photo by the tree, where he spots a key to the Mercury he's been eyeballing this entire movie. Yep, turns out the reason the dealer forgave Ralphie's debt is because the Old Man bought it for him for Christmas, causing his brother remark that he wants a real rocket. Ha, ha...ha... Ok, let's just speed through this thing and wrap it up.

Ralphie nearly crashes the car again when it starts to roll away, but Gootrad shows up to help him stop it rolling, the two talk about his time as a reindeer and bond over it...

Yep, six minutes of talking, there's your character development for the girl.

...as Ralphie gets the ok from the Old Man to drive her around the block despite no license, enjoy your first citation Ralphie. The movie ends with him getting one last smell of her hair...

You really couldn't just go out quietly, huh, movie?

...as the two drive off into the sun (movie) set and SWEET JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST, THIS IS FINALLY OVER!

This is just bad fanfiction, not the kind that shows both effort as a writer and that said writer cares about the characters/universe, the kind where the writer THINKS he knows how everything would be after the source material ends, the kind where the writer only knows the BASICS of why he/she and everybody else loves the world, not the REASONS. This thing made me wanna punch my screen, wish all the characters got nothing but a lump of coal (To be nice about it, anyway), and punch myself in the nuts for picking this over the Brady Bunch Christmas reunion movie. The only credit I can give is the same as the Nostalgia Critics, in that Branden Lemasters actually does show some effort, coming off that he understands why Ralphie, as well as the original story as a whole, holds up and are memorable.

At least until they make him creepy and have him do things like smell a girl's hair behind her back, anyway.

As I said earlier, one of the things that made A Christmas Story work was that the people in it were real. You connected with them on some level because they weren't just characters, but they behaved, acted, and responded to situations like normal humans save for where it was made to be a comedy like the over the top responses to the leg lamp. This movie feels like the writer just saw what was remembered/popular of the characters and wrote around that, thus gone was the Old Man being a stern and cheap, yet reasonable, figure and in it's place was Daniel Stern mumbling swears and being an asshole.

Top it all off, it misses the biggest thing that keeps people like me, the previous generation and mine, and others coming back to watch A Christmas Story at least once during the marathon these 20 years: The original movie captured Christmas, this p.o.s. did not.

Our parents and their behavior in the days leading up to it, getting the tree, the overall atmosphere, being a kid around the Holidays, the original movie captured it all and we make the connection because we've been through at least one of the situations, be it double dog dare our friends to do something stupid, or wanting that one gift that has our mothers panicking.

Everybody in this thing is so stupid, over the top, or the situations are stupid and over the top, we can't make that connection. I don't feel like I'm watching Christmas, I'm watching what a sitcom thinks it's Christmas, I'm watching what a writer who wants to understand the Hoo-Man thinks is this “Kriss Mess.”

Then there's the stuff that keeps trying to invoke the first movie. There's shout outs and call backs, then there's just being painfully lazy. The tongue in the tube, the fudge line after the crash, the sailor suit, etc. These are just lazy throw backs to the first movie in the desperate, to the point where its on it's knees, attempt to make you feel like you're watching the first movie. Oh, trust me, within five minutes, you'll be aware you are not.

If you really wanna see what happened to Ralphie and his family after the first movie, get your hands on It Runs in the Family aka My Summer Story, THAT'S the official continuation. I saw a few minutes of it once too long ago to remember if it was good or bad, but I can promise you this: It's 100% official over this mess.

Stupid, idiotic, misses the point of the original movie, and bad casting. This thing doesn't make me think of Christmas in the Midwest, it makes me wish I shot my eye out so I didn't see it.

FINAL VERDICT: For something that tarnishes what people love of the original movie, for having the gall to call itself an official sequel AND an adaptation of the original's story despite it being an original mess, a staff that understands the first movie is popular but not the WHY, sitcom characters and plot, and a creepy, creepy, CREEPY Ralphie, this movie gets a special BAH-HUMBUG B-MOVIE BOMB! I was warn I'd shoot my sanity out, I didn't listen. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on Santa's slide and I just remembered what I wanted: I want this movie to not exist!

“...you'll have to settle for Warner Premier's closer kid. Ho, ho, ho.”

*KICK*

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Now THAT'S how you do a call back! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Years, guys!