B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: Android Cop (Spoilers)

So, you work for the Asylum and you guys hear about the upcoming RoboCop reboot. Naturally, your studio wants to make a mockbuster to ride it's possible coat tails and make a profit! Sure, when you plan to release it, it'll be out at the same time, thus no telling if it'll even make a profit for itself, let alone if you can make one from it.

Then the other problem: Your place of employment.

But wait! You found some loose change, you have some black spray paint, football pads, a leotard, and a skinny bean poll! Bam! You have Android Cop!

Yes, when the 2014 RoboCop reboot came-a-callin', the Asylum wasn't that far behind, ready to make sure your nearsighted grandparent thinks they got the blockbuster for your birthday! And that's not just me saying it, the Asylum has actually EMBRACED that they're practices are more or less a tackier version of singing “We're in the money.” But a mockbuster does not a bad movie make, no, no, no...an ASYLUM mockbuster does a bad movie make. With a budget of “Thank God we live in LA, most expenses went to get the guy who played the live action Spawn,” filming ambition that said “Quick, get this section done before we have to resume Z-Nation,” and the attitude that says “If we do a wink and nod to the movie, we're just like the movie,” this rust bucket had only two chances: So bad it's awful, or so bad it's a blast to mock.

So, the movie opens in LA in 2037, buildings are in ruin, buses are just sitting and gathering dust, cops are corrupt---

...I THINK it's 2037 LA...

...when our hero, Hammond (Michael Jai White) goes off the grid for some info on some activity, when it turns out it was all a trap via a chain gun for him and his partner, Dontbother Heswisschez. We then jump to sometime later as Hammond is part of an extraction team, where we find out the Big One hit, causing several power stations to go nuclear in the damage, thus dividing what's left into zones. The plan? Stop the drug kingpin in one of the zones, cut of a huge chunk of the drug trade!

Good call, nuked pot did a number on those kids from Tromaville...

Anyway, turns out they have to cut through a section that's full of radiated people that won't let 'em pass unless they make some deals, including for some Mexican Coke with real sugar! Dude, go for Japanese Pepsi, there's at least yogurt in one of those! They do get around and break into the targeted building, only to find an old radiated woman and a bunch of people ready to help move their target. Which works, as the cops fall for the old fake arm in the chair housing a gun gag! Always a classic.

A fight breaks out between the two groups and their toy gun sound effects...must've raided a closing Toys R Us...as a fist to fist fight breaks out between Hammond and some idiot that doesn't realize he's fighting Michael Jai White. After that, Hammond runs off on his own, thinking he's found the target while backup arrived...the local high school halfback!

No, it's the android cop himself (Randy Wayne), as his solution to stop this is...launching a grenade right behind Hammond and the crook! There, he saved you by damn near killing you, you should be grateful! But he's not, as this is an Asylum movie, we gotta go for future sci-fi cliché No. 24: The cop hates the new machine. So, of course, the new machine is assigned to Hammond as a partner, under the pretense of sci-fi cliché No. 45: Screw up the prototype so much because success means our jobs are done.

While all this is going on, the new cop (Named Andy) and Hammond are under watch by two crooked cops, lead by Sgt. Jones (Kadeem Hardison), worried that the new robot was sent by people trying to stop them. But there's no time to worry about that now, as Andy and Hammond get their first call, namely a jumper ready to end it all...in a sequence that says it was filmed in two different days...I think. Yes, only the Asylum can make the same location feel like it's filmed in a different place or day.

So, Hammond gets the bright idea to talk to the guy about organ donation to avoid jumping...which naturally causes the guy to think Hammond is nuts. Andy's plan is to simply hack into his phone and the phone of the woman he's fighting with, causing the two to reunite and be happy! Don't think about the implications, just be happy, damn it!

After that, the two get a call to the mayor's for his missing daughter, Helen (Larissa Vereza), or specifically, her body as she's really in a coma, but her mind is hooked up to an android...and they can't find the android. That's a helluva thing to misplace, hate to see what happens when you lose your keys. And, no, they can't just simply wake her up as she's actually in a coma and nobody told her she was hooked up to an android.

...wait, if nobody told her she's an android, what happens when she gets hungry or has to go to the bath---

LOOK WHAT THIS MOVIE HAS ME ASKING!

The two leave...without their sirens flashing...

Oooh, somebody didn't get the permit to do that!

...to talk to a shady dude at a bar who's connected to the underworld. Ah, now we're to cop movie cliches! So, he tries to play bad cop, but Andy takes the good cop act too literal, saying he couldn't find anything to lock the guy up. The kicker? Hammond used ANDY as the threat. Nothing like the local high school half back with hockey gloves that got a shave to put the fear of God into ya, huh? So, he goes over what he was trying to do and once Andy realizes it was good cop/bad cop...he goes too far in the other direction AGAIN and offers to call the police on Hammond for the guy. This leads to Hammond accusing Andy to malfunction, and the two fi---uh...dosy-do around the bar and out the window...oh, c'mon, you have one of the leading action movie martial artists in your movie! The guy in the high school halfback get up can't be that hard to kick!

Well, turns out it was a set up to trace the call Hammond knew the thug was gonna make after the...fight(?) and Andy...rolls with it after making some remarks...wait, if he knew this was an act, why did he take good cop/bad call so---screw it, it's the Asylum, moving on. The thug makes the call, and off our heroes go in their police car, saying they need to go in with no sirens and lights because they didn't get the permission to do---I mean “Sneak in quietly.”

They go into where the signal was, the set of...I mean the post Apocalyptic wasteland! Yes, not the set of Z-Nation where they only have so much time to film in between seasons! While that's going on, we find out the two cops watching through Andy on a monitor are in league with the corrupt mayor (Charles S. Dutton) and the plan is to use the missing daughter('s android body) case as an excuse to have them drive so far into the set...I mean 'zone...'that our heroes would have no choice, but shoot up every gang they meet or die. AND if the gangs kill them, war were declared and the cops can wipe 'em out without problems.

...are we POSITIVE this isn't modern LA?

After exposition that comes out of no where that says the Mayor doesn't view Helen as his daughter, he then comments that the two cops are what the city needs and asks who are they, leading them to say “They're the future of law enforcement” before leaving.

OW! OW! OW! THAT FORCED REFERENCE HURT! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

They go into the zombie se---I mean semi-abandoned town, seeing various gangs eyeballing them as Andy shouts there's nothing unusual to see. I don't know, Spawn walking with the local high school halfback would have me wondering what's in the water supply. After seeing that the phone they were looking for was in a bin, they try to go back to the car call for back up when Andy can't reach HQ only for Helen to pop up and shout for 'em to stand back because somebody rigged the car to go boom.

This leads Helen to have the two come with her as the two cops watching lose Andy's vision and rig it so the gangs think they killed a gang member, thus marking them as a target. Sure enough, they get ambushed...by a gang full of dads (Or at least dad bodies) as the fi---I blinked, what happened? Yeah, after one shot against an ax welding dad, the gang backs off and Helen takes the heroes to her hideout.

Considering it was dads welding pipes and axes vs. two cops with guns? Yeah, no duh.

Once there, they see a woman covered in radiation sores, yet she gave birth to a normal baby thus revealing the environment isn't radioactive at all, but something is causing similar effects thus allowing property holders and such to cover it up as a way to thin out the gangs. Realizing they're screwed if they stay any longer, and Helen needs to get into protective custody, they aim to get to higher ground to get a better reception...until they're stopped by the one of the cars that ate Paris!

…

GET SOME AUSTRALIAN CULTURE, PEOPLE!

You're welcome, lets move on.

Actually, it's a car full of spikes and more gang members in their way. Naturally, gang war were declared on the cops and Helen, but because Andy's wearing the halfback pads of heroism, he takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin' as both he and Hammond get Helen out of there and to the tallest building in the land with them...only to be stopped by an amateur motocross rider!

Now THAT I know you got!

The rider gets taken out, but the car that ate Paris makes a return, cutting off the heroes from the tower. It tries to make another, when the thug Hammond offered the stuff to in the first act shows up and stops them for the time being.

I guess somebody really need that Car that Ate Paris for their b-movie cosplay.

Must've take 'em a while because now it's night and our heroes made it into the tower, only to find it's loaded with dead bodies they have to push through to get to the top. Just as long as they don't come back to life, I've played that part of the Resident Evil franchise. The gangs show off, but Andy offers to stay and get as many as he can while Hammond protects Helen...(Sees the hockey stick in a gang member's hand) ...from the Mighty Ducks.

Eventually, Andy shoots a gang member that...for some reason...has his helmet and they all make it to the roof right after he puts it back on. In the chaos, Helen gets wounded and realizes that she's not in her regular body, but an android's. Again, if she's been in the body the whole time, what about times where she doesn't eat or questioning about not needing to go to the bath---

GAH, LOOK WHAT THIS THING IS MAKING ME ASK!

She comes to terms with it just as the LAPD land on the roof thanks to Andy making the call. But when the head cop comes out, Andy detects the guy's BS and knows he's up to something, so tells Hammond to take Helen and run...only for the cop to tell his partner to override the android...revealed to actually be HAMMOND!

Yes, it turns out that Hammond actually nearly died from the opening earlier, and wound up got the same thing Helen got, only he's hardwired to the LAPD, thus forcing him to get out his gun and get ready to shoot Helen. Thing is though, they underestimated his will power to resist and are having trouble with the whole “Kill girl to cover up plot” thing.

Don't you hate it when you, the dragon to the evil mastermind, has gotta recall the android over “Conscious?”

But the events actually cause Hammond to remember how he got here, along with Helen, as they were BOTH victims of the gun from the opening as she was trying to save his life. This is enough to not only override the system, but make the computer controlling him from the other side of town explode!

I'd say something about not working that way, but I think we all heard this...

Andy tries to fight the cops, but all he can do is shoot them in the armor that had the same shielding. The cops flee the building while our heroes wind up cornered by the gangs...only for the gangs to give them the car that ate Paris to drive out of the zone. This causes the corrupt cops, who are in with the mayor on the deal to clear the gangs and the poor out, to go with plan B: Unplug Helen and Hammond from their bodies! Boy, hope the hospital is in on this, other wise the nurse would think “Hey, I left them alone with that cop...”

While that's going on, Hammond concludes that the reason the people are getting sick is due to the food the Mayor and his people drop of, concluding this because of a newspaper article he saw hung at the Mayor's house. Curse politicians need to show off they did good! After saying this, the cop guarding Hammond plays with the touch screen 1996 Pacard-Bell computer screen...

Because a 2000's neon blue Apple would break the Asylum's bank.

...causing Hammond's life support to go dead, with Helen's to follow. Thus, they have to take a shortcut down the L.A. River. What? It's the future, like that thing's ever gonna get fu---huh? Anywho, the bad cops sport it, leaving Andy to try to shoot down the giant CGI ship with his air pistol! It...well, not so much works, more scares it away, when both Hammond's and Helen's robot bodies start feeling the effects of their human ones about to die.

Meh, I felt the same way when I saw Justice League, they'll be fine.

Eventually, the bad guys catch up to our heroes and, of course, the head bad cop has to get one last taunt. Problem? This is Michael Jai White, and he's in a Car that ate Paris! They go to the top of a car garage that's right next to the hospital, jump off the garage while Andy jumps off the car and lands on the bad guys' flying machine, causing it to crash and kill them all the wile Hammond and Helen land on their floor next to a previously called member of the press where she tells her story!

I'd say how awesomely stupid this was, especially for an Asylum movie, but...again, we're all thinking this!

Hammond's dies in the room but the fate of Helen's, so far, is unknown when Andy shows up to give her the b-movie all healing shot. Right after, the Mayor shows up and tries to spew that she had a DNR order and ready to pull the plug...but then the b-movie all healing shot kicked in, waking her up! Naturally, she asks why the Mayor's been doing this, causing him to freak out and shouting she should've been dead. Naturally, Andy recorded it and broadcasted it over the PA, causing the Mayor to grab a nearby gun from a cop and shoot himself in the head, causing red food coloring to go all over the walls!

It's the Asylum, corn syrup would cost extra.

We then jump to a...kinda...epilogue, revealing that Hammond's android body is now independent from his human body as his mind is downloaded into the android body. Which leads to the joke, that he says, that he's now a Human-Droidican-American that stopped living and became a mixed up zombie.

Ok, ok, I added that bit after “Human-Droidican-American,” but I'm a MST3K fan, it's the law!

They get a call and drive into the city, sirens dead silent due to that pesky “Didn't get legal permission” thing, again.

You know, I'd be happy if more Asylum movies were like this, the same amount of stupid fun you'd fine in an episode of Z-Nation or a Sharknado movie. It's well aware it's a knock off, as are most of the actors, so they just have a bit of fun with it, which means you have a bit of fun watching it. Only downside is a couple of plot holes, like if Hammond wasn't aware that he was an android this whole time, why didn't he question never getting hungry or never having the need to go to the bath---GAH, WHY IS THIS THING MAKING ME ASK THAT!? But if you can overlook those and just wanna see a some actors have some fun earning a paycheck, this thing's worth a rental.

FINAL VERDICT: For being more fun than other Asylum knock offs, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Overall, this is just a fun little movie...unlike most of the Asylum's knock offs. Now, if you'll excuse me, this movie has me wanting to get a POLICE car that ate Paris! Can't get that pesky “Permission” thing for the siren though...meh, I got the perfect substitute!

B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: 1967's Casino Royale (Spoilers)

Usually for April, I set the month aside to review parodies or rip offs. First year, I did the Asylum, second year I did Chipmunks Go To The Movies, an entire season of the 80's revival of Alvin & The Chipmunks that were nothing but movie parodies, vs. their originals, third I tried the Asylum again...and damn near quit reviewing all together because the stinkers I picked were just HORRIBLE to begin with.

So, this year, to filter things out, let's try both! Two Asylum movies, two parodies, and let's get the ball rolling with...oh sweet merciful crap... the 1967 Casino Royal...it's too early to wish I was so drunk...

By 1967, the James Bond franchise had became such a hit, it was decided by producer Charles Feldman to adapt the first novel, Casino Royal, into a movie regardless that the major right holders of the Bond franchise at the time, and still are, EON Productions. Well, rights or no rights, he was gonna give us James Bond Year One...

Until he decided at the 11th hour to make it a comedy directed by SIX DIRECTORS...

More on that later.

...that would actually be a parody of the franchise. How 11th hour was this? Well, when it was originally supposed to be a drama, they got Peter Sellers to sign his contract under the idea that he was gonna finally show the world he could do more than shout that he can walk or be a bumbling inspector...only to find out what he signed got turned into a comedy and there was no way out...so he just decided NOT to be in a comedy. More on that later.

Folks, when I say this stinker is bad, I don't just mean on the screen, but behind it too. In fact, this review is either gonna be long because to explain how we got this mess, I have to...uh...explain how we got this mess, OR I'll have to break it into two parts.

So we open on Bond (Peter Sellers) meeting an agent at one of those things that's set up to help ya use the bathroom when you can't find one...with the joke being he shows his papers where his junk is as a bunch of school kids walk by.

After we get a nice song from Burt Backarach and opening titles that...well...spoil the movie...

Well, no need to watch, bye!

...ok, fine...

...we go to the English country side where four delegates made up of M (John Huston), CIA man Ransome (William Holden), member of France's Deuxieme Bureu Legrand (Charles Boyer), and KGB man (Kurt Kazaner) later identified as Smernov...

Because Vodka would be too damn obvious.

...heading to Bond's. We get some exposition that hints that the name's been passed down as we're introduced to the “Original” James Bond (David Niven, who has a stutter for some reason in the first act) as he not only deduces all the gadgets and weapons the delegates have, but decides to take a shot at Sean Connery, as he mentions how he hates that M-16 gave his name and number to that “Sexual deviant.”

Ok, I'll give the movie that joke since Niven, no joke, was one of the people in the running for Bond during the pre-production of Dr. No, so to me, I think that shot was more for him than anybody.

After calling everybody out for their gadgets, and Bond getting called out for the call out, he then points out that while time passes outside his walls, he doesn't have to worry about that by taking them outside (After waiting for a costume change) to show them a black flower that has grown in one spot, never changing. They beg him to come back, but he refuses to hear them...because it's time to play a particular song with his past...oh God...his past...

Ok, with what I'm about to write up here, please keep this in mind: This thing is set in the then modern day of 1967. Got that? 1967. I wouldn't keep pointing out this was set in 1967 except there's a backstory that'll cause your brain to SCREAM “Wait, this is 1967” until you hit a wall.

So the delegates talk about why Bond not only quit but refuses to go back, when M and Legrand reveal the truth: Turns out Bond did have a one true love back in his spying days. However, because of his deuty and the reveal that she was an enemy spy, he had to turn her in leading to her execution, thus he vowed to never be a spy again.

That woman? Mata Hari. The one who died in 1917. That sound of your frontal lobes shutting down in protest is normal...and it'll get worse.

Eventually, Bond sticks to his vow, even refusing a direct order from the queen, causing M to signal for the British army to blow up his house, thus forcing Bond to re-sign...only for it to backfire, killing him and the other delegates, thus causing Bond to head to M's home castle in Scotland. This causes the agents of the evil organization, SMESH...

Which...sounds like a drunk movie goer trying to tell you to keep quiet...

...to storm the castle and place in agents in disguise, with the only one with a convincing accent to take the lead, Mimi (Deborah Kerr) but the gag is that it's obviously fa---wait a minute...

*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

Kerr's Scottish...she's playing somebody who does the Scottish accent badly...how stupid can---no, no, I don't want that answered, I don't want that answered.

Anyway, it's revealed the only thing left of M is his toupee, so when Bond asks what they're gonna do with it, all Mimi can say is that it's a family hairloom...

OW! OW! PUN HURT ME! PUN HURT ME! OW! OW!

After more weirdness from the castle being full of young red heads...

Ok, somebody on staff was happy that day.

...to the family tradition of eating Goat Hagass, Bond gets ready for bed only for two of the red heads taking off his clothes as part of a plot to make him look like a sex fiend to the rest of the world! This includes a young red head, hinted to be 17, in the tub “Testing the temp,” and scrubbing ALL the bits....

All for moving o---thank you!

So the next phase of the plan calls for them to do a drunken celebration of M's life...which calls for the agents to actually GET drunk...kinda counter productive of the plan, but ok...while Bond is able to drink the whole (Fake) clan under the table... in some cases literally as two of 'em fell under the table. I guess holding your liquor when applying for spying is optional.

Well, pedophilia didn't work, getting him shitfaced backfired, so it's time for straight up seduction...only for that not to work, so now comes the “Try to embarrass” part as the penalty for refusing to bed the widow is Celtic games...complete with Mimi yelling “Play ball...” ok...

So, the first go around has Bond going up against these giant Scotsmen tossing literal stones...only for the giants to do everything from break the floor to their dang fool heads and each other due to the weight of the stones. Meanwhile, Bond is able to lift them just fine...which causes Mimi to suddenly speak French. I guess staying undercover is filed under the same optional features as staying sober. After showing off that Bond can break the styrof---I mean “Stone” ball, we jump to the next day as the girls rig a hunt to kill him while Mimi is locked up by said girls thanks to falling in love with him.

Keep this in mind, it will hurt later. By God, it will hurt later.

Mimi breaks out, complete in her evening gown and...mud boots...

Unique bed time combination...

...to help Bond out by sending the exploding birds back to the girls, while answering that they were ordered to corrupt him or kill him by the International Mothers' Help, East Berlin.

Insert Million Moms joke here.

In the conflict, Mimi gets wounded and acts...well...OVER acts like she's about to bite the dust when in reality she's...becoming a nun...and no, there is NO reason given...other than to have Niven in his boxers fall over as he says good bye. After a failed assassination attempt, Bond goes back to M-16 where he meets Money Penny's daughter (Barbra Bouchet) who, after a kiss Bond suddenly springs on her...

It's the 60's, women weren't people yet.

...informs him that her mom became a nun, causing Bond to say it's all the rage...OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, that's why Mimi became a nun, this joke! HAHAHA...ha...ha...all the joy in life just got sucked out of me...

Anyway, Bond declares that he has no time to stammer...which is what we get for why he no longer stutters...as he now has M's job and is going over the agents that have bit the dust in various parts of the world as we jump to one still alive, Bond's own nephew, Jimmy Bond (Woody Allen) and we get to the ONE of the main problems with this movie.

I'm gonna one two skip a few since the plot factors in as to why they did this: Bond gets the idea to assign multiple people the name James Bond to trick SMESH into coming out in the open at one point and get them. Thing is, that means each agent has their own segment...and each segment has their own director...SIX DIRECTORS IN TOTAL. While it's one thing when a movie has a co-director, six is just asking for trouble...especially if all six only have SOME of the script.

Yeah, in a real life case of par for the stupid, each director was only given a section of script, so they had no clue what came before or how what they did tied into the overall movie. This caused a LOT of stress on set, to the point where everybody was fighting each other, on top of the six directors fighting each other already. Top it all off, the sixth director WASN'T EVEN PLANNED TO BEGIN WITH! Production on this thing to so SNAFU'd, that an uncredited director (Richard Talmadge) had to step in.

Again, this is ONE of the main problems. ONE!

Jimmy's segment is pretty much all the “Nervous characters Woody Allen plays as a secret agent” so I think I can skip most of it. So, Bond has a plan: Since all the agents seem to die in sexual related acts, find an agent that be trained to resist women! But it's the 60's and since all agents are supposed to be straight, this means a gag where Money Penny's daughter gets a row of men and kisses all of them to find the right one!

I had to watch it, I had to type it, you had to read it, I don't know who hurts more.

So she winds up bedding one of the guys, Coop (Terence Cooper) thus meaning...he gets the job? I thought it was supposed to be somebody who RESIS---oh, right, 60's, women not people yet. Yeah, bedding the judge to get here suddenly makes sense. Bond then announces the aforementioned plans to turn all the agents into 007, including the women, to trick SMESH while Coop goes to his resistance training...meaning various women try to seduce him and if he can ignore them, the plan is a success!

Again, 60's, women not people yet.

At first it's going great, until The Detainer (Daliah Lavi) shows up and both view the judo tossing as flirtation. Meanwhile, Bond goes to see Vesper Lynd (Ursula Andress), who left the service to trade in stocks, bonds, and weapons. He asks her, in exchange for a write off, to help him get a well known gambler known as Evelyn Tremble, the James Bond from the opening. And we get to the SECOND main problem of this movie.

Peter Sellers signed on to Casino Royale back when the plan was for it to be a straight up adaptation, a more traditional James Bond movie. He was so happy that he got the part because it would show off that he could do more than comedy, that he was THE actor of his time...then the 11th hour change to a comedy happened.

Well, not deterred, Sellers decided right then and there he wouldn't be in a comedy. Oh no, he obviously honored his contract, he just decided not to act like he was in a comedy. Almost everything he does in this thing is 100% with the idea that he signed up for a drama behind it because he did sign up for a drama. This was just ONE of the problems production had with Sellers and factored into his firing halfway through filming. I'll get to the other problem later.

So, Tremble goes into Lynd's ap---wait...I know this song...

...yeah...that's the “Look Of Love,” a classic love song that's been passed from generation to gen---WAIT A MINUTE!

*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

THIS is where it comes from!? This freakin' mess of a movie!? THIS IS HOW THE WORLD GOT THE SONG!?

I just got knocked so stupid, I can't do math anymore.

They then go to her underground sex room where she tells him to put on different outfits to see how he looks in disguise, including Hitl---LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY! THE INVISIBLE NOT HITLER BUNNY BEHIND YOU!

Yeah...remember, Sellers went in with the intent of acting like he was still in a drama...

After being told that he's being hired to play Baccarat against one of the world's top players, we jump to the James Bond school where he runs into Q (Geoffery Bayldon) and...a few bad jokes including a guy dressed as a lawn gnome being the head of security, a hat the fires a gun backfiring with bird whistle.

After seeing Tremble fixed for gadgets, we jump back to Bond who finds out the whole Mothers thing was just a SMESH cover operation. Thus, they need to recruit somebody they won't expect that can join it or other cover groups, thus Bond decides to go to a hidden temple to recruit his own daughter: Mata Bond (Joanna Pettet)!

Hey! I can do math again! (Reads last paragraph) ...oh God...I can do math again...

Yeah...despite the year Hari was executed, despite the age of the actress (And the character), and all the years in between, this is...SOMEHOW...the daughter of Mata Hari and James Bond. Oh, and the real kick in the pants? She's a bad dancer to boot, as we see her introduction has her mostly...well...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqjhHVUzl8o

That.

So the two have a talk, revealing everything from everybody at the temple views her as a Goddess to that if Bond wasn't her dad, she'd...

...not touching that one. Nope. Not even going for the joke. Moving on.

She gets recruited and takes a tax---wait... (Sees the driver) ...Benard Cribbins!? I wonder if between this and the second Dalek movie he thought about firing his agent...

Anyway, she takes a taxi to West Berlin...complete with water damage and sea weed, ha, ha...and after arguing with the driver for change, she goes into the Mothers building, revealing it to be one long parody of German expressionism right down to the hall way being The Cabinet of Dr. Caligri...

No, I have no idea what that OR German expressionism as a full have to do with Bond.

..where she meets her mom's teacher (Anna Quayle) and the teacher's sidekick (Ronnie Corbett). They then inform her, while giving a grand tour, that the building, which is really the Mata Hari Dance School, is very democratic...as in they train spies for both sides of the iron curtain.

Well, they can at least say they don't discriminate.

They then show her a couple of rooms, an all red room for decoding done by blond women...

Because German Expressionism.

...and a karate class set on fast forward in an all white room while the students dress in black.

Because German Expressionism.

After the sidekick tries to get in bed with Mata, complete with him spilling the beans on SMESH'S financial officer, Le Chiffre, and stumbling onto Mata Hari's teacher who tells her about an auction made up of pictures that both the Commies AND the Capitalists bid on for later use. Oh, and be clad I don't do the dialogue verbatim during this entire bit, it'll just drive you around the bend and make you dumber in the process.

The taxi driver shows up to get Mata Bond out of the auction room and reveals he's a spy with the Foreign Office and has orders for her to stop the auction by any means...and those means are to snatch the pictures and play old war footage because everybody there is stupid enough to think it's an actual war. After a brawl that includes Hari's teacher dying from a gun of a dead World War I solider...

I...I don't know.

...she escapes with the film, and after seeing that the sewers sing “What's New Pussycat...”

...decides to take the cab all the way back to London. When the auctioneer fails to get the pictures back, he calls Le Chiffe (Orson Wells) who says the only way to get the cash back is to play baccarat, right before blowing the auctioneer up. We then jump Tremble's part as Bond as he...punches a customs official for no given reason...ok...we then lead to Q talking to Tremble under the cover of being at a car wash where...several women are trying to hump the car...

Ok, I might as well get to the THIRD major problem this movie had...

As stated before, Sellers refused to act as if he was in a comedy, so he played his part as if he was still in the drama he was promised. Well, when he saw the production was sliding into comedy, AND he was getting more paranoid that people were stealing his spotlight, he hired some of his friends to do some re-writes for his parts. What was rewritten and what was the original, I have no clue as the inept of one SOMEHOW bled into the inept of the other.

Sometime after getting settled into his room, he's then introduced to SMESH agent Miss Goodthighes (Jacqueline Bisset) and if I have to explain the joke, you also need an explanation for the name Plenty O'Toole. She tries to spike his drink, he tries to counter it...but the counter doesn't work as he's knocked out, leading to a dream sequence music video...and no, this isn't the worst thing to cause a movie to stop. That comes later. Oh, and this sequence includes Tremble literally playing Lynd like a piano.

Wait, so if a woman tells me to player like a fiddle, does that mean I have to use actual strings?

After Lynd wakes him up, we jump to the casino itself where Le Chiffre is on a baccarat winning streak...and suddenly decides to pull magic tricks, which leads to the FOURTH problem with this movie.

Around this time, Wells became interested (And obsessed) with magic, so when he agreed to sign on to the movie, he had one major condition: Several minutes to do his magic acts, on camera, with no editing. The people behind this thing really wanted him, so they said ok. So, yes, to get Wells on screen for several minutes, the movie has to come to a screeching, grinding halt so we can see Wells levitate a woman. After that trick, Tremble drops off the cash he's going to bet with and then goes into the office of the head of the casino (Colin Gordon) where, via both a one way mirror and security footage, Tremble reveals Le Chiffe's use of infa-red glasses to know what cards are being delt right before heading to the table...leading to problem NUMBER FIVE!

As I said earlier, EVERYBODY was fighting and feuding with each other during production, but nobody more so than Wells and Sellers, which made filming the baccarat scene with them together, something that had to be done, impossible. It all started when the Queen's sister, Princess Margret, arrived on set. Sellers already knew the woman, greeted her...and she blew past him because he was drooling over Wells, thus rushing to see him. On top of that, Sellers was becoming paranoid AND superstitious around this time, thus thinking Wells doing magic tricks was causing some supernatural chaos during production.

More like stopping the film, but ok.

All of these together caused Sellers to VOW to never film with Wells again, so the crucial baccarat scene the two had to two together had to be filmed separately, or mild hostility would be turned to HOSPITAL hostility.

I'd mention how it makes the scene awkward and almost horrible to watch, but Wells and his magic tricks just keep going, and going, and going...

Finally...FINALLY...the game starts rolling, complete with the BRIEF shots of them actually being together (BEFORE all the drama), and...I'll admit, the honest to God baccarat playing was tense and I was hanging on every moment. But it doesn't take long for the screw up, as after Tremble wins the game, Lynd is kidnapped, thus Tremble...has to change into a race driver's uniform and go into a Lotus 3 while speaking in rhyme?

I know I already used it once, but this movie...

We then see...Tremble captured by Le Chiffe with no explanation...uh...ok...which leads to one of the most tripped out sequences in the movie, and helps put it under the “Psychedelic Comedy” territory, as Tremble sees nothing but women projected on his face, mannequins, and suddenly finds himself dressed in a Scottish bagpiper's outfit. He then looks out the window and sees himself calling for help before he's in the middle of a bagpiper's parade...that has Peter O'Toole...ok...admittedly, there's a funny bit where after Toole asks Tremble if he's Richard Burton, he says HE'S Peter O'Toole, causing the real guy to call him the finest man that ever lived...

Ugh, I'm just giving a summary and I feel like I'm having the acid trip.

It then turns out Lynd is in the crowd and shoots them when they start attacking Tremble. This leads to her attack Tremble on the grounds that the production staff had enough of Sellers's antics and fired him half way through filming. We then jump back to London, where Bond tells Mata to wait outside of MI-6, leading SMESH to do this elaborate kidnapping involving a UFO. Bond figures it out right away and tries to have the air force follow it, only for it to lose them...but Mimi shows up in time as a nun seeking donations, and uses the recept to tell Bond that Mata is in Casino Royale.

I normally say I heard of dumber ways of call backs and payoffs...but no...no...this is the dumbest...

I am 8 pages in and all I feel like I'm doing is saying “NOT FUNNY” over and over and over and---

Bond and Moneypenny's daughter go to the casino and the main office, only to be ambushed in a fight sequence that reveals the office is actually an elevator that takes the two to the underground SMESH base, where after killing a duplicate Bond robot, they meet the actual SMESH leader, Dr. Noah...

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

...aka JIMMY BOND! ...wait...huh?

Yes, turns out Jimmy, due to his own self confidence issues, made a virus that turns women into babes and kills any men over 4 feet. Jimmy has Bond and Moneypenny's daughter taken away while he...looks over a naked Detainer...uh...wait, when did she get captured?

“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”

Of all the things to bring back from previous reviews...

Anyway, he then goes on to explain what we already know, including his jealousy over his uncle, and various shtick including falling off a rodeo machine. He then reveals one of his greatest creations: A pill that turns whoever swallows it into a walking nuke with each hiccup counting down to destruction. He then reveals his other great plan: Kidnap the world's leaders and replace them with fakes!

It's politics, would anybody know the difference?

She then spikes his drink with his pill just as Bond, Coop, Mata, and Moneypenny's daughter bust out of their cell. After a fight that results in the base starting to self destruct, they run down the hall and run into the Detainer and...Frankenstein's monster?

I know what you're gonna say. Yes. ALL the drugs.

They get back to the casino with the Detainer taking the back way...why the others don't, I don't know...with Bond ready to call for backup only for Lynd to stop the call. But it, or the “It's for love” quote she gives for SOME reason, doesn't matter, as the American aid arrives...in the form of cowboys...

Oh God, here we go.

While the cowboys and the SMESH agents start fighting, Jimmy is counting how many hiccups until boom, somebody launches a flying roulette wheel with bubbles, a monkey in a wig pops out from under that table...ok...everybody's smiling and laughing due to the bubbles/laughing gas from the wheel, one of the fighters gets tossed into a room where women are painted gold...

Gotta shove a Bond parody in somehow.

...a plane labeled 007 launches stereotypes of Native Americans...complete with their parachutes being tepees...into the casino, somebody who was thought dead earlier pops in, the keystone cops are called in, the Native Americans do a tribal dance, there's two seals with collars that read 007---

*HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK*

THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANDS, I CAN STANDS NO MORE! I'M UPPING THIS WRAP!

…

*HEADDESK*

WRAPPING THIS UP!

The Casino eventually goes boom, as all the Bonds wind up in Heaven, even Jimmy, until cut footage of Peter Sellers shows up and blows on Jimmy, thus causing him to go down to Hell and this finally...mercifully...ends!

I'm dumber. I'm officially dumber. And chances are, you are too, but at least you have me as a buffer, where as I had to watch this mess that actually caused one of the people who worked on it, Charles K. Feldman, to have heart problems that wound up killing him two years later. Yes, this thing is so horrible, it actually killed a man!

Killed a few of my brain cells, I know that!

It's unfunny, uneven, unfunny, inept, unfunny, stupid, unfunny, moronic, unfunny, badly written, and above all else, UNFUNNY! Spy parodies in the hands of people who know what they're doing can, and have, worked, but this was changed at the 11th hour and it shows. This was done by multiple directors and the results speak for themselves. Top it all off, things are left unresolved, unexplained, and nobody cared...and frankly, nether do I. This mess is over, it's done with, and I don't EVER wanna watch again. Nobody was happy working on this thing, and I can see why. Talented people are wasted, funny people aren't funny, things happen at random for the sake of happening at random, and this was just stupid stupid STUPID!

FINAL VERDICT: For being unfunny, stupid, painful to watch, fatal to one of the producers, and left a bad taste in everybody's mouth from those who worked on it to those who watched, this movie gets a WORLD DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Hands down, one of the worst parodies I have ever seen, including the Movie-Movie ones. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remind myself I can laugh again, so I'm gonna pop in It's Pat just to FEEL something.

B-Movie Bomb: The Car: Road to Revenge (Spoilers)

NOTE: The Kenshin movie review is TBD, real life has gotten in the way.  In the meanwhile, let's use this review to get back into the swing of things...and don't operate heavy machinery if you see this thing...

If you ever said to yourself “Why can't there be a land version of Jaws?” you clearly haven't been to the video store OR streaming recently.

If you ever said that same question to yourself back in the '70's, the stupid answer to the stupid question would've been The Car A 70's b-movie piece of idiocy clunker that was about what happens when Satan decided to posses his own Coupe De Evil. No, really, apparently people are overrated, so he came back to Earth in the form of a car created by the guy who did the 60's Batmobile.

There is not one joke in that paragraph.

Described by it's fans, and it's critics, as “Jaws on land,” The Car is mostly known as a Razzie Winner these days that's good for a few laughs on a b-movie night with moments like a teacher saying it's normal for one of her students to draw her naked or how an empty car fooled a cop with just an open door.

Again, no jokes.

But the bottom line is this: It's Satan mowing down people in a Coupe De Evil. That's it, that's the horror, that's the plot.

Which means it translates PERFECTLY into The Car: Road to Revenge where The Car IS THE HERO OF THE STORY...kinda. Yeah, turns out Universal kinda sorta BS'd most of it.

Straight to both video and streaming, this movie is less of an actual sequel and more of Universal...for reasons only they and God know...

Though I doubt God wants anything to do with The Car...

...trying to keep the rights to the original. It's ether that OR the thing was an original story and somebody thought slapping the name of a movie that STILL gets ridiculed to this day would give it money. I'll say this, I was curious enough to rent it on the grounds that, one way or another, a sequel was attempted alone, so it was a success in that regard ether way.

And make no mistake, the original has fans, and rightfully so. People enjoy this movie one way or another, ether as legit 70's horror or on the same scale as people enjoy cheese-ball movies like The Thing With Two Heads. But this movie removed MOST of those elements, from enjoyable stupid moments like a character taunting The Car to the iconic like it's horn. Yeah, the horn, the very thing fans think of when they hear about the Coupe De Evil isn't used even once.

So the movie opens with a credit sequence made to show off the car in question, then jumps right to a chase in a “20 minutes into the future” type setting between a cop (Grant Bowler) and some punk dressed in all leather and with metal allover the place driving his...lime green Prius with racing stripes...

Because when you think end of the world scum bags, you think Prius.

The cop manages to capture the bad guy, leading to a trail and the charges told to the judge by the head DA, Caddock (Jamie Bamber), which leads the judge to declare the crook for execution...which happens right then and there, no waiting.

Does this mean we're all ruled by Texas?

Well, turns out the guy they just blew up in the courtroom has a data chip that has all the info on the rest of the town's scumbags. Why he does, we don't know...and we really don't know who these people are. Yeah, I'm looking up stuff on IMDB, but I don't know who goes to who. I only guessed the first two actors due to both the IMDB AND the Horrorpedia, and the Horrorpedia might as well be the deep end of the kiddie pool that's all the info on this movie.

All I know about these people so far is one's a cowboy, one of 'em had got a cyber arm, one of 'em is fresh from Hot Topic right after it went mainstream, one looks like an Iggy Pop cosplayer, and one is dressed like Liberace.

So after Caddock's attempt to get his ex back goes south, right down to him saying “I will not stop coming for you until you're mine...”

Yeah, that whole good guy thing the plot summary said? So far, false advertising. Unless in the future, that's the new “I love you.”

...he tries to crack open the chip with less than legal means, only for his wormy assistant to leave right before the aforementioned bad guy group break up and wreck up both his office AND his face.

BTW, I'm watching the unrated version and most of the “Gory” moments are really really REALLY bad CGI. Like I half suspect this budget is whatever the head of Universal's Home Media department found in his couch.

Their search turns up nada and their boss...again, I don't know who the character is, so I don't know who the actor is...gets so mad, he...exposits that he created them...okay...not the reaction you'd expect from somebody mad, but then again, this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.

Later that night, the car comes to life and...kills an innocent person! Yeah, that whole “Seeing revenge on the bad guys” thing in the trailer? That's another lie! Battin' 1,000, Universal!

After a funeral that includes the ex saying she found it comforting to be in a relationship where she had to ask permission to laugh or cry...

...I...got nothing...this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.

...we see the cop trying to find out why the guy who blew up had the chip in the first place and The Car stalking the ex, who the cop tried to talk to about why the DA was killed. We then jump to the guy with the cyber arm, as The Car is ready to mow him down right after said cyber arm guy taunts it. The good news is he was smart enough to hide in a building...the bad news is he runs in front of a window big enough for the car to drive through and squish him.

It's NOW, when the cops are looking at his body, I hear his name is Henry and...the IMDB page doesn't go that far. Yeah, I know, “Wait for the credits” and I might put something in this review, but I'm writing this as I go as this is a case of a stupid movie I DON'T wanna see again! I was originally gonna write it as I went anyway because, well, its a sequel to The Car, but then you have moments like that stupid line that painted a controlling relationship as a good thing, does that sound like something ANYBODY with a sane brain want to see outside of a rift party!?

So, yeah, we can safely say that Henry is the second victim of the DA soul's Murderous Benz.

FEED ME, SEYMOUR, FEED ME!

So the detective talks to the ex and, while having booze at a fancy Japanese restaurant...I guess that's by the book...inquires about the kind of car Caddock had because it matches the description of what ran over Henry, causing her to...be offended when asked what car she drives and leaves him to pay the bill...meh, for all I know, booze IS a business write off.

She invites a friend of her's over just as the bad guys find her, and of course, said friend is killed by their thugs. They try her next, only she has a gun and is able to fight them off and run into the woods...where the car...somehow...knew they would be...okay...

I don't care if it's magic, you HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT!

Eventually, it comes down to a showdown between The Car and the Iggy Pop lookin' bad guy in his car, which naturally ends in a bad CGI and bad practical effect mess of The Car turning him into a pancake. Not even The New Day can save this one, folks.

Yeah, that's how bad this movie is, I'm FORCING wrestling jokes.

The detective eventually puts the ex in a no tell motel...so no tell even I can smell who was in the bed the night before last...until the next day, where she insists on investigating the case with the detective, namely The Car.

Hey, this is a future where it's apparently ok to question witnesses over wine, don't question it.

They go to an underground hacking club...as opposed to the mainstream ones...where they wanna inquire about the one thing that binds this all together, something called The Night...only for it to just HAPPEN to be the day a group connected to The Night raid the place and kill almost everybody. Doesn't it just suck when another event takes priority even though you booked in advance?

Turns out the raid was so the Hot Topic looking one can get to the ex, leading to a fight between the two. Considering one is in leather and the other is in tight blue jeans, 3 guesses on why it's here.

No guesses on why I was staring at the TV for the fight's length of time.

Eventually, Hot Topic breaks out the flame thrower, but she has a gun and, per Hollywood rules, this means the flame thrower BACKFIRES and fries her like she was covered in gas. But this isn't enough to kill her as, remember, she has to die at the hands of the Merciless Benz.

Ah, that one was for me.

Sure enough, they take the fight outside and the Benz shows up to 86 Hot Topic, but has enough romance in it to roll down the window and play the ex's favorite song. Sometimes, it's the little things.

The ex and the cop go back to his apartment, says that he's the way he is because his family died, we're all animals, blah, blah, stuff you heard 500 times before, where they proceed then to get it on! Oh, one night of hating each other, all it takes to turn somebody on is a dead family and then showing them how you punch things!

Did I mention this was a stupid stupid STUPID movie?

So, the head bad guy declares war on The Car and throws in rewards for it, the ex, AND the chip that has all the info, causing the gang to get ready to go to war...but enough about that, we got the obligatory “Sleep with her now she hates you” plot as she says her theory that the car is possessed by Caddock causes the cop to look at her like a skeptic.

At least he didn't laugh at her, THAT would've been wrong.

She leaves in a huff with the cop leaving the apartment sometime after...and with The Car waiting for him there all night. Yep, Caddock's soul waited under the apartment as his ex had sex with the cop. I don't know if it's creepy since his headlights saw nothing, but it's close.

This causes the cop to run out of the closed...doors...wait, if the doors were closed the entire time, how'd The Car get in? Wait, again, where did the ex go if she didn't see The Car!? Why didn't Caddock leave if he saw the ex leave!? EXPLAIN, YOU STUPID STUPID STUPID MOVIE!

So, naturally this leads to a chase between the cop and the Caddock possessed car...again, so much for the trailer and plot summary saying the guy was a good guy...

He gets away as the Car leaves with the bad guys following The Car...and I don't know what's least believable, the punks in a black outed Cadillac or one group in a bright purple Camero with racing stripes...while the assistant DA listens in that the ex is...still at the apartment...but, we saw her lea---screw it, I don't wanna continue this thing for too long, let's just move on.

While the punks are after the Car, the Night sets up the detective for the murders while kidnapping the ex, only for the ex to reveal she's not an idiot and turned the tables! Finally, somebody smart in this stupid stupid STUPID movie!

Speaking of stupid, we go back to the punks as they keep losing members to the Merciless Benz as the two fake cops that took the ex go splat. The Car sees this, and recreates the car flipping stunt from the 70's movie in, and I admit this, a nice homage to the original as the flip takes off a couple of heads. Desperate to get rid of both The Night AND The Car, the ex works out a deal with them to take care of it. Of course, unlike the first movie where the humans are idiots, The Car falls for the oldest trick in the book and when he thinks she's going to die, falls into a hidden pit and presumably dies as the ex gets betrayed by Night.

So much for somebody smart.

I'm reviewing this thing as I go, this sucker is 2 minutes shy of the 90 minute mark, I'm at the 1 hr 4 min spot...and I'm on page 4. This thing is about as deep as it's IMDB page.

Naturally, with the Merciless Benz junked, now's the perfect time for Ronny Cox to cameo as a mechanic that finds it...and chances are do the stupid thing. We then jump to the ex, who admits to the head of Night that she has dark impulses to kill all the rich people she works for, thus...she's in with the group? How the Hell can the stupid get stupider from h---

BY HAVING THE CAMEO MECHANIC MERGE THE PARTS OF THE MERCILESS BENZ WITH THE COUPE DE EVIL! Because hey, having an insane lawyer's soul in a car isn't enough, he needs the touch of Satan!

After a bit where the cop gets some info on where the bad guys are from the assistant DA, we see the mechanic did, indeed, mix and match parts of the old and new Cars together, and whatever was holding the previous version back from going on a rampage is gone.

It's almost as if fusing an already unstable soul with that of Satan was a bad idea.

After the cop determines where Night and the ex are, we see the head of Night has given the assistant DA over to the ex to do whatever she wants because he failed the group. This includes pouring wate---I mean “Alcohol” over his wounds. Yes, that is clearly “Alcohol” being poured. No fooling me.

But, par for the stupid rears it's head as she takes advantage, wounds the head of Night, and runs off with the head burning the assistant DA. As all this is going on, both The Car AND the detective pull up to the club with the detective going in. Apparently, the club doesn't have big enough windows to make an insta drive-through...

*CRASH*

Or doesn't need one as it just crashes through the front door and starts mowing everybody down!

This should be fun, this is directed by the guy who did Death Race 2050, so he already knows how to not only make a good b-movie, but one that keeps the spirit of a previous one. This should've kept the parts of the original The Car that caused it to have fans, this should be cheesy as Hell...but it feels so stupid an inept as I'm sitting here thinking “Wow, thank God the club's designer made those ramps big enough for a Benz.”

The Liberace guy catches up to the ex and is ready to kill her when she fights back and finishes him of. Hey, somebody has to now that they completely flipped The Car's switch to pure evil. It's now down to the cop, the ex, the head, and The Car, complete with---oh for the love of...REALLY!? A first person chase that's only a few seconds!? 5 minutes of it didn't work for the Doom movie, it ain't gonna work here!

Well, the stand off doesn't last as the Merciless Benz runs over the head and splits him in half while the cop and the ex decide to try to stop The Car once and for all. The ex taunts The Car, causing it to drive into a forklift armed with explosives, killing it once and for all.

By law, I have to...

The cop gets cleared, he and the ex hook up, there's 4 minutes left, bring it out already.

Sure enough, The Car is still alive and takes the ex for a ride. Having enough of The Car's shit, she takes it apart bit by bit, trying to stop it, while saying she's done with...all the people...okay...uh...wasn't sure the whole “Wanna kill the rich” was 100% a character thing, just something she said to let the audience in on her connection to the bad guy...never really had that much of a subplot of her hating ALL the rich, just that her ex-boyfriend was too controlling...what ever, there's still 4 minutes left, let's just end this thing.

She unplugs the AI, causing the Merciless Benz to stop allowing her to get out and push it over the cliff, supposedly drowning it...with 3 minutes left. Sure enough, we go to the bottom of the lake and the lights come on and we FINALLY roll credits.

I should really watch the whole credits and go back, point out who's who and all that...but that would require going back to watch this thing and re-watching one part is one part too many.

This is inept straight to video at it's worse. Yeah, I wasn't expecting much because, as I said, straight to video...but at the same time, I've seen better straight to video efforts from things like Cartoon Network's two straight to cable Scooby Doo movies. Hell, I actually enjoyed Archie: Return to Riverdale more than this, both ironically AND unironically, at least those movies I mentioned had something resembling some form of effort and plot.

This was just a stupid movie full of stupid people doing stupid things for a stupid stupid STUPID movie! This movie said that this was supposed to be about an unscrupulous DA possessing his car and running down the people that killed him...which we later see is BULLSHIT as not only does he have control issues, but he mows down innocent people both before AND after parts of the Coupe De Evil mixed with the Merciless Benz.

Then there's moments like that line about the ex saying the controlling relationship was comforting, I can't remember anybody's names let alone if they were mentioned, and that everybody here is an idiot. At least the original has an excuse of just being a good time to rift on a weekend. This? This is just a clunker that couldn't even get started.

FINAL VERDICT: For feeling lazy, inept, having stupid people doing stupid things, horrible lines (Seriously, I think people who got out of controlling relationships will take issues with that statement), and plots that feel like they were after thoughts (Be nice to see the ex interact with more rich people), this clunker gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! MAYBE you can find something to mock, but chances are you wish this movie was Fixed Or Replaced Daily. Now, if you'll excuse me, my ex has possessed my car and I'm gonna do the one thing nobody thought in this situation...SNEAK A TWO FOR ONE DEAL IN THE DRIVE-IN!