NOTE: Yes, I'm aware I'm LATE on both The Flintstones and Kenshin reviews, real life got in the way. I'll try to have at least one of 'em out before the year's out.
One of my favorite books is What
Where They Thinking? The 100 DUMBEST EVENTS in Television History by
David Hofstede. It's fascinating reading how the genesis of a bad
idea not only started, but actually got the green light to be on TV,
be it a prequel series to Casablanca...
Yes, really.
...or The Love
Boat on land known as Supertrain, where we see the lives
of various passengers and attendants of a train so big, not only does
it take two tracks, but it has it's own ballroom!
Again, yes, really.
And it inspired
this very blog series, “The Idiot's Lantern,” and yes, it's also
named after when Brits saw TV the first time, some of 'em remarked
“You look like an idiot looking at a lantern.” So, naturally,
there are times where I wanna put my own two cents in one of the many
MANY stupid events in this book, such as the time, oh, Oral
Roberts extorted cash by saying God'll kill him.
Believe it or not, in the 80's, televangelists were kings. If
somebody had a voice, charisma, a good actual church following, AND
an actual church with enough room for TV cameras, you better believe
that Sundays was a toss up between football and praying.
Actually believing in God, 7 times out of 10, was optional.
Yeah, for every legit televangelist that tried to reach your soul and
help you go up, there was at least two that was more interested in
lightening your wallet, claiming that big private plane or that
vacation resort they're using your money for is to spread the word of
Jesus. I don't the good book said “And lo, thine messenger shall
fly first class...”
One of the big ones at the time was Oral Roberts, who's been in the
faith business LONG before TV (Even got an early start as a Faith
Healer) and thus knew just how to get the masses in, make 'em feel
good about the sermon they saw, and made sure their soul didn't go to
Hell. If anything, TV just boosted what was already there with the
guy, seeing as he was on the radio in the 40's and had some of his
traveling sermons on the air in the 50's. He even founded Oral
Roberts University AND funded a hospital, what could go wrong?
How about implying God's a mobster?
At one point, it seems like God had enough of the shenanigans with
the televangelists, as a whole lotta of them saw all the money and
fame they were getting from this came back to bite them in the ass,
be it the Bakers after Jim's affair was made public, or several being
revealed to use the funds to fuel some drug habits. Roberts around
this time decided to double down the pleading as his church was going
broke, so he went to his flock, both in the live audience, and at
home, and said that if he didn't raise $8 Million in funds, God'll
“Call him home.”
Or for those that speak mafia, God asked Roberts if he ever visited
Hover Dam.
Yep. Apparently, God was this...
...as he threatened to kill Roberts if he didn't deliver the goods.
Needless to say, a whole lotta people went “Uh...” at that one.
But hold! Salvation came as when the deadline for God to give him
cement shoes came, Roberts was handed a check...buy a professional
dog track owner. In other words, the preacher accepted cash from a
gambling origination. Can ya guess how many of the faithful were
REALLY not happy with that one?
A combination of this, as well as the Baker scandal, and various
other ones, caused people to lose their faith in these guys, and an
unfortunate side effect is the hospital Roberts founded had to close.
And the apple isn't that far from the tree, as Robert's own son,
Richard, had to resign from his post at the University because it
turns out, he decided church funds=personal funds. If you're still
looking for faith on TV, there's still some televangelist on the
air...but again, for every one that seems to want to help you go up,
there's a certain asshole who refused to help flood victims trying to
fund his own private jet.
And yes, I'm shocked he hasn't said “God threatened to take me to
Hover Dam” yet.
Side
Note: If you wanna look up more info, the entry is No. 13 in the
book: What Were They
Thinking: The 100 DUMBEST EVENTS In Television History.
So, it's been a couple of years or so
since DC released the Hanna-Barbara Beyond comic line, DC's attempt
to do the Vertigo formula on classic cartoon characters. How and
what has this line done? In the words of Joe Bob Briggs: “Let's
get to them drive in totals! We have...”
-Top Cat as the next big threat to
Batman...which has yet to come to pass outside of a short back up
story published, as of this writing, last summer. (UPDATE: Now, as of
this writing, he is teaming with Superman! Yeah...try to figure that
one out, at least Flash racing Speed Buggy had SOME logic)
-The Mad Max story telling applied to
Wacky Races, complete with a preexisting character now a
trans-woman...for no reason other than for DC to shout “WE'RE
DIVERSE, DAMN IT!”
-The Scooby gang at the center of a
world altering Apocalypse...caused by Velma and her family when she
unleashed a nano virus that had the idea of “BE NICE TO EACH OTHER,
DAMN IT” only for her family to change it to “OBEY US, DAMN IT”
and screw that up.
-The Jetsons' robot maid, Rosey,
actually being George's mom...via a brain transfer into an android
body that has the reader asking “WHY IS THE ROBOT MAID A SEX BOT!?”
-The Banana Splits are a successful
music group in the DCU...that get mistaken for the Suicide Squad and
has that adventure inspire them to become hardcore rappers.
Clearly, this was the line to address
the issues of gay marriage and slavery in The Flintstones No.
4, right?
I said it before, I'll say it until the cows come home: If you have a
message with your satire, you need a gentle touch. That part of the
brain that shouts “STOP, STUPID, YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OUT” is a
VERY important part of writing a satire with a message, to ignore it
causes the satire to go from a reasonable explanation of your opinion
to just beating the viewer/reader with it.
Case in point, the main subject of this issue is gay marriage. How
do they address that everybody has the right to get married? By
having the traditional marriage be odd ball and the conservatives
demand everybody goes back to having orgies in the sex caves. That's
funny because it subverts reality, it twists what we know on it's
head but addresses the issue head on while being funny with a serious
message.
And, yes, like previous issues, this thing's writer, Mark Russell,
ignores the part of the brain that says “STOP, STUPID, YOU HAVE THE
MESSAGE!”
So, the issue opens with a flashback to the early days of
civilization to explain how the animals became appliances when we see
a saber-tooth tiger arguing with a friend of her's when she's been
kicked out of her Pride for having an affair...
Complete with a cigarette in her hand. Ha. Ha. Ha.
...and decides she can't survive on her own, so she goes to the
humans that might be eating another friend of her's, preferring them
over starvation. And this is how the animals in the Flintstones'
world become the appliances we know. Now, you might wonder how this
is a bad thing as the tiger would've starved...well, that gets
answered as we jump to the comic's present day as one of the animals,
a bird that's the beater to a mixer, sees Dino playing with Pebbles
and calls him a traitor.
Why yes. Yes, this will hurt later. This will hurt like the
dickens. This'll hurt worse than the time your ABBA loving
significant other took you to Mama Mia.
Unless you love Mama Mia, then it'll hurt worse than when your
hair metal loving significant other took you to Rock of Ages.
We at B-Movie Bomb do not discriminate deep hurting.
This all leads up to the reveal that Fred and Wilma, after watching a
right-wing news program saying marriage is wrong and just having
orgies is right because it wasn't that way when they were kids...
HEY! HEY, COMIC! TURN IT DOWN! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF OVER HOW RIGHT
YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARE!
And this is coming from a gay marriage supporter that hates ALL cable
news.
...are going on a marriage retreat to see if this new hip thing---
...wait...Pebbles is 12 in the comic, does that mean they did the
nasty in the pasty before they got hitched, early pioneers, nobody
noticed until EVERYBODY did it?
---a try. They drop Pebbles off with the Rubbles as they drive off
and run into Fred's old friends, Adam and Steve.
Yes. Yes. It's gonna go there. Yes. Yes it's going to hurt. And
yes, this is despite the fact I'm WITH the comic on it's message!
I'm gonna lay the cards out on the table so there's no if's and's or
but's about it: The main issue this part of the comic takes on is
marriage equality and they're doing so by making what we consider
traditional brand new in a world full of sex caves. THAT'S funny,
THAT'S poignant! By turning the issue on it's head and making it
about something most people think is right being viewed as wrong,
it's an examination as to WHY people would get married, both gay and
straight, and brings up some good issues for couples.
And by Gerald...
And if you read my review of the second issue, you'd get it.
...they screw it up SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad!
After saying hello, and Adam and Steve saying they'd like to give
marriage a try...
Remember, it's gonna hurt, and I AGREE with this comic.
...they head up to the retreat and it's ran by one of the priests
from the church issue. Oh, joy. And to complete this...joy of
joys...he has a guitar. Great, all he needs is to play it under a
tree and thus and the circle of douche bag is complete. Or at the
very least, some stairs.
Speaking of circles, we go around one as we're introduced to people
who have gotten married, from those that did it even before Fred &
Wilma (Saying they've been for 30 miserable years) to a pair of
youngin's who wanna know if marriage is for them. After the old guy
warns the kids about misery marriage causes, the priest then asks
Fred about what worries him about marriage.
And he gives an honest, heartfelt answer as asks if this means Wilma
will love him forever, is he keeping her just so she doesn't find
anybody else, or is there something to this being a “Bond” or is
that all just an illusion. It's reflective, and it's something that
many people in committed relationships, marriage or not, think about
every once in awhile.
So, and this is the $60,000 question: “How do they screw it up?”
With no segway, the priest points to the main attraction of the
retreat: ZIP LINNING! Oh yeah! After having my soul crushed by an
honest internal examination, I wanna slide from 5 stories up!
Meanwhile, at Casa de Flintstone, the animal appliances are
celebrating that the owners might not come back, saying things like
“What's up, Appliance” and “Appliance please.”
Yeah...this is a slavery allegory, right down to calling Dino “Uncle
Dino.” Where do I even begin in this? On the one hand, yeah,
slaves were treated as property so I get why Mark Russle did
this...on the other stop and think about this for the allegory: Dino
is the family pet, and recycling appliances means you get spare meat.
This was written by the middle aged white guy who wrote a 14 year old
girl elected to run the US via twitter, if you expect subtle, you've
come to the wrong place.
As the appliances get back into position, due to it being pointed out
the Flintstones would be back tomorrow, bowling ball opens the closet
door and makes friends with the vacuum cleaner, bonding over what
they are and what friendship means.
And, actually, the follow up DOESN'T screw it up, as it's actually
about Carl Sagon at Bam Bam's and Pebble's school explaining why
people need to be together and nobody wants to be alone, complete
with a contrast that has Bedrock's citizens arguing with the mayor
that marriage is wrong and they wanna go and deal with it themselves,
only as a reaction to the Mayor saying “Guys, there's more
important things to worry about,” making it actually funny.
So...and yes, if you're making this a drinking game, this is where
you take a shot...how do they screw it up?
Back at the retreat, the young couple asks what the heck is the point
of marriage and why they can't all just live together. The priest's
responses asks if the wife wants the husband to support her when
she's “Old and ugly,” while he then asks the husband if he'd
prefer to know who the father of their baby would be. Because
nothing says “Successful retreat” like the priest running the
thing reminding you ether how lonely you'll be when you're old or
your wife's a slut.
They then do an exercise that asks what would happen if their loved
ones died, with the older bitter couple arguing about wills, the
younger couple overacting, and Wilma wondering what to do as she
never thought about it...to which the priest makes it WORSE by
bringing up the possibility of what she'd do if Fred divorces her.
I don't think one of the mottoes of a marriage retreat should be
“STOP HELPING ME!”
Mercifully, the angry mob shows up, ready to stop the pa---I mean
“Kick the freaks out” when the priest jumps in and explains that
everything around them is brand spanking new, from society as a hole
TO marriage. Sure, it wasn't done when they were kids, but all they
want is a chance for it to rise or fall without any pressure from
people with a different opinion. In fact, he argues that over time,
maybe they can all compromise or at least come up with a “Live and
let live” situation.
And that right there is how you sum it all up. The other side of the
issue might be scared because it's new and strange, which is probably
why that one family member you know would join you in punching Nazis
balked when he heard your two best friends of the same sex were
getting married. Yes, there's assholes that stop it out of pure
hate, but for now the comic focuses on those that are just stubborn I
their traditionalist ways and I'm actually fine with that, other wise
the trade I'm reading this from would BE issue 4.
Yeah, it'd be nice if they addressed those who stop gay and lesbian
weddings out of hate, but the focus is mainly on those who don't
understand why two men or two women would get married and, for now, I
can live with that as it sums up both sides pretty well: You may not
like it, but they want it so let it succeed or fail and, as long as
you're not hurting anybody, you're free to agree or disagree.
Not only is this where you take a shot, but I'm telling you to down
the whole freakin' bottle...
HOW THE HELL DO THEY SCREW THIS UP!?
It's at that moment, the moment the message is made clear, the moment
the comic and it's writer take their stand, that Adam and Steve
showed up saying they gave marriage a try...and the very priest that
argued in favor of marriage said “No way, you can't do that.”
WHY!? Just...just...WHY!? You summed up the issue! You explained
why those in the real world against gay marriage should give it a
chance! Why do you need an actual gay marriage to drive home your
message THAT USES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE IN IT'S PLACE!? It not only
undoes the joke, but it just drives home that this comic thinks you,
the reader, are too stupid to understand that this is about gay
marriage, so here's an actual gay marriage facing the very problems
this comic was using a straight marriage to talk about moments ago.
Or simply put this comic is the asshole that keeps yelling “DID YOU
KNOW THE SLED IN CITIZEN KANE BEING ON FIRE WAS A METAPHORE
FOR LOST CHILDHOOD!?”
Fred and Wilma address the priest and explain that the reason they're
defending Adam and Steve's right to marry...
JUST LIKE THIS COMIC BOOK DID!
...is because Fred points out that Adam and Steve took care of
members of his tribe that were too young, ill, etc to do anything
beyond hunting and gathering, thus respecting their right to get
married is the right thing to, and least they can, do.
To which Adam and Steve replied they're gonna get married by the
Unitarians.
...again saying Bedrock has more than one religion...
Fred and Wilma then talk about the experience, saying all they need
is each other, and the issue ends with the Flintstones back home with
Pebbles giving Dino some pets...and the appliances appalled, saying
the two should get a room, because “Uncle Tom.”
Yeah, is there any reason I argued that the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line
fails at doing the Vertigo formula?
The idea is there, using the modern stone age family as a lens to
satire the 21st century, but the execution is under “HEY STUPID, DO
YOU GET THIS!?” There was no need for Adam and Steve to face
discrimination about getting married when the whole issue was about
that only using a traditional marriage in it's place. This is like
reading The Boy Who Cried Wolf and the final paragraph is “Oh,
by the way, it's about...”
The other half of the book actually starts an ongoing subplot where
the appliances get more and more disgruntled and are supposed to be a
fill in for slaves. Yeah, think back to the “Assorted Meats” gag
from an earlier issue and tell me you're not going “UUUUUUHHHHHHH”
while shirt tugging. The only thing to take away from that part is
the relationship forming between Vacuum Cleaner and Bowling Ball.
And if you're wondering if this'll lead to anything...eh, kinda
sorta, I'll explain more when I review the final issue in a wrap up.
Back to the main topic at hand, if you ever wanted an example of a
comic beating you over the head while shouting “YA GET IT, STUPID”
over and over again, issue 4 is your comic and, yes, I had a Hell of
a time trying to review this thing due to the two issues in it,
slavery and gay marriage, being really hot button topics today, so
all I can say I hope to God the next issue is a cake wal---
“BEDROCK THE VOTE!”
OH, FUCK ME!
FINAL VERDICT: For thinking you're an idiot they had to repeat the
message twice, for deciding that the appliances are a slave allegory
without thinking about the previous gags, this comic gets a SUPER
MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! Wanna make the “Gay ol' time” joke?
Wait until after the comic's done calling you stupid. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I need something to dull the pa---FUCK ME!
NOTE: As a bit of a bad movie geek, I'm well familiar with the works of Roger Corman from his iconic stuff such as Wasp Woman and the original Little Shop to stuff he only produced or had some hand in one way or another such as his Wasp Woman remake for Showtime's anthology "Roger Corman Presents." The man could stretch a dollar and actually is viewed as a hero to most modern filmmakers on the grounds that he's one of the few that can get the creative control many wish they had. This movie started out as such...only for half way through filming to have the (Then) 44 year old realize he's 44 years old and it went from connecting with the hippies to an old man shouting "GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN!" Oh, and the writer? 3 years older than most of those involved in the hippy movement.
So, if the perspective goes from "If hippies ruled the world" to "Oh God, the hippies rule the world" and back, it's not me, it's a story by a 28 year old directed by a middle age "Damn kids" man. Enjoy.
When crafting a story, you don't have
to be the gender, age, or creed of the characters you're writing, you
just have to write them as human. Not every body who writes a gay
man is gay, not everybody who writes a white woman is a white woman,
etc. That said, when you do write characters outside of who you are,
especially on political and civil topics, keep in mind you are
writing from a certain point of view for obvious reasons, namely
you're not who you're writing.
But filming? Filming is the story from
the POV of the director, meaning while you wrote one thing the
director sees another or has another opinion about it. Myra
Breckenridge went from being a
satire on the state of Hollywood by Gore Vidal...to a satire on the
state of Hollywood with rape being the centerpiece about how then
modern manly men can't hold up a candle to the classics and all
future rugged men are gonna be nothing but boys with the focus being
on the act and not so much the message.
Yeah, is it any
reason Vidal wrote a sequel book that took everything off the rails
and was a non stop F-U to Hollywood?
That said, there are times where when
you do want to do that you might wanna take a breath and think if
that really is a good idea or just wait a bit to make sure nothing
influences that thinking...like say a 44 year old making a movie
about the hippie movement of the 60's and putting it to film just
after the 60's ended ala Roger Corman and his last effort for
American International, Gas-s-s...Or It Became Necessary To
Destroy The World In Order To Save It.
I'd throw in the Mixed Up Zombies bit like when I did with my
Civil War: Warzones review, but the title twisted most tongues
already.
At first glance, Gas-s-s... does have a few things going for
it, namely it's writer (George Armitage) was 28 around the time of
the movie's release, so he was in someway part of the culture,
directly or he can relate I have no clue...on the other hand Corman
was 44 around that time and a b-movie director that didn't meet a
pair of boobs he didn't say “No” to filming and had his own POV
on the youth movement of the 60's. How do I know this? While I have
no problems believing a member of said movement wrote stuff that was
a middle finger to those running the country, said movie has a plot
where a tribe of football players go around and rape women to the
cheers of the local cheerleaders and that's supposed to serve as the
answer to the army.
All because society crashed and the youth ruled the land. Yeah, I
saw The Tribe when one of the Encore Networks actually tried
back in the day, what's it say a kids show can do this same plot
better with an even LESS budget?
The end result of the age gap is you have a writer who in the youth
movement filmed by a director that thinks leaving the kids
unsupervised will cause mass chaos. Not even kidding, Corman started
becoming disillusioned with the youth movement shortly before
filming. Any sane director would go to the studio or even the writer
and go “Look, this isn't my opinion anymore, I'll help you find
somebody that can do the movie justice,” but sane and Corman go
together like honesty and a congressman.
So after an animated opening that explains the world gets screwed
over thanks to the Government opening a chemical plant and mistaking
a bottle of stuff that can kill people over 25 as champagne to crack
open with...
Because you open buildings like ships, I guess.
We jump to a montage of a city on the go...then a hippie running
around campus with a crossbow...right, a howler monkey did the
editing, expect things to go nuts...
The hippie, later named Coel (Robert Corff) is running from the cops
with his crossbow and decides to hide in a church, dressed as a
priest and speaking with a horrible Irish brogue. Naturally, on the
grounds that both the 28 year old writer and the 44 year old director
agree that cops are stupid, the cop buys it to the point where he
tries to see if he can get into confession...even though the brogue
drops every now and then. Coel goes into the confession booth where
he meets Cilla (Elaine Giftos) who worked with and under...
Remember, it's Corman.
...the guy who made the gas from the animated intro...which gets
interupted when the cop says he has to confess that he's sin via
beating people. This leads to the hippie telling the cop that his
penace is to go to a Black Panther rally in Alabama and teach them
bike riding. Dark, yet karmaticly funny. After a bit seeing people
around them dying (After a bit where an HMO says a woman with no
insurance has no hope, but the Medicaid one can be saved), we then
jump to Cilla and Coel at a drive in, deciding the best thing they
can do is toss random words out to mean sex as they get it on.
Oh, heaven help them if they skip the four play, I hear
supercalafragilisticexpaladosious can knock you off your feet!
Fast forward to all the adults being dead and the two trying to get
out of Dallas when they're captured by the goon squad of some sinny
nobody that cashed in on the Apocalypse...that sounds like he was
ADRed/dubbed by a 32 year old German...K. Turns out they need to see
this guy to get the papers to leave Dallas...and they apparently do
as the next scene has them leaving. Huh...given this is Roger
Corman, I would've thought there'd be something at least tasteless
doing this...oh well, let's jump to the next scene via jump cut and
the sound of bullets to...the Texas School Book Depository and
somebody pulling away...
Right...somebody wrote the script, but Corman's got the camera...
So then we see our...people we have met...driving down a high way
full of wrecked and abandoned cars...and driving...and driving...and
driving...to a library where they take books that nobody would read
at the time...don't ask me who, I'm too young for the reference...and
then proceed to screw...meaning throwing out MORE random words to
substitute for sex as they have sex...which doesn't matter because
they both shout out “Orgasim” in the end.
I'm guessing if this is the part Corman had a hand in creating, his
mind was on “Gotta get out of AIP, no effort needed.”
This leads to...more freakin' driving... until they see a sign that
says there's an Oracle...that's 851 miles...
Ok, pardon me from stealing from a Rifftrax Live show, but if I see a
sign that says “Valley Lodge,” I'm leaving.
They get captured by a gang lead by a cowboy named Billy The Kid
(George Armitage...yes, the guy who wrote this) who takes peoples
cars and sells what he takes because he's a used car salesman. Get
it? 'Cause they're all thieves, ha, ha. This causes them to run
into the city on foot, play with some kids, and go into a record
store commandeered by a couple, Marissa (Cindy Williams...you read
that right) and Carlos (Ben Vereen...you read that right, too).
She's in it for the music...he wants to shoot them on sight after
Coel remarks the property value was going down.
Remember, Corman.
They also run into Hooper (Bud Cort) and Coralee (Talia Shire).
After meeting them, Marissa goes on how the 60's where the music
scene and...wait...this was filmed in 1969, released in
1970...just...just how much time passed between the opening and now?
It couldn't be that long, they still look 25...and events still look
too recent...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?
So they make a deal: The new guys help get the car back, our...people
we have met...will give them a ride to a place in New Mexico they
hear everybody's going to. This leads to a shoot out
where...everybody shouts the name of famous Hollywood cowboy
actors...and the names actually kill some of the people...
I...I don't know...
...and Coel kill Billy via calling out John Wayne. After they
celebrate, they hear a motorcycle ridden by...Edgar Allan Poe (Bruce
Karcher) and Lenore (Can't find who played her, sorry). And yes,
this is supposed to be the same Edgar Allan Poe you're thinking of,
because not only is he with Lenore, but there's a stuffed Raven on
the bike.
And no, we get NO explanation as to how this is possible other than
Roger Corman has a message via Poe, namely the hippies better watch
it, or they'll get as corrupt as the adults that killed the world the
last go around. I KNEW Zoobalee Zoo was up to no good!
Look, it was ether this I make the joke about the beer company
Shirley worked at.
They get their car back, which means...yep, more frickin' driving.
I've seen Shippuden filter that wasn't this long. All this
leads to...a concert at a drive in. I'd skip this on the grounds it
feels like a concert movie invaded this thing, until the singer says
he's the new God and if not, may the real one speak up.
And He does... in a Jewish voice (Can't find who, sorry) saying
somebody left their parking lights on. No...really...
This leads to Coel to hook up with a random girl and...they keep
shouting “Arrowfeather” to each other...still trying to find what
sex means I guess...while lazier Floyd and acid trips play on their
body. After hooking back up with Cilla, who says the new word for
sex he found can't be shared with them due to it being personal...
I guess one night stands are more important.
...we do a MERCIFULLY quick driving scene and jump to...oh God...
If you ever said “Hey, this is a hippie movie, where's the
'Military is bad, m'kay” moments?” Well, here we go...in the
form of an invading High School/college varsity football team and
marching band, where they invade a town for the purposes of rape,
pillage, and destruction. And we're treated to a whole bit where the
gang are forced to help the team train, including building house
frames for them to knock down, teaching them how to hussle while
stealing TVs, and the race to...rape...one of the women...
Roger Corman...Roger *BLEEP*ing Corman...
Oh, they don't do it...thank freakin' God...but it's enough.
And our...people we have met... feel the same way as they try to make
a break for it. They jack a dune buggy and managed to out run the
jocks, but before your brain can scream “NO MORE DRIVING,” they
thankfully shorten the trip to an abandon construction site
where...oh no...
And this is where the whole POV of the director thing comes in.
Turns out Marisa is ready to pop...and she looks and acts like she'd
couldn't give two shits about it...so they lay her down while the
guys go find a doctor (Alan Braustein)...who's the same age as them
and is only a doctor to give stuff that wouldn't be 100% legal for
docs to give for another two or three decades. Yeah...you can
probably guess what's about to slam into the script's wall here.
They take the doctor to her and the doctor...freaks out and panics
because, surprise, he's mainly a doctor so the kids can get their
buzz and real responsibility freaks him the Hell out.
While all that goes on, Cilla gets kidnapped and taken to a different
construction site where her kidnappers argue over who's gonna rape
her...until she says she should have her choice of who's gonna go
first and picks one of 'em. There's only so many times I can say
*BLEEP*ing Corman. Turns it doesn't happen because...she talks until
they get so bored, they decide not to do it.
Ha... ha... ha...ha-ha-ha?
Going back to the previous paragraph for a bit, ignore the whole
spiel about the doc---NAME ME ONE FLOWER POWER LOVE CHILD THAT WANTED
TO KILL A BABY WHEN IT WAS TOO LATE TO HAVE AN ABORTION!
Sure, some of them were probably stupid/naive enough to believe it's
no big deal, they can go right through it, but that's more the mind
set of youth than the movement. Top it all of, she looks 6 to 9
months pregnant. A BIT LATE FOR AN ABORTION! And this is the
problem of having somebody who's disconnected/disillusioned with the
hippie movement directing a satire of the hippie movement, namely
we're seeing this from the POV of somebody who's idea over filming of
said movement is “Damn irresponsible kids, get off my lawn.”
I don't know what the original script had, nor I think will anybody
other than the writers on the ground that this whole thing was
re-written on the fly multiple times while filming...and by God does
that show...with Corman putting his disconnected hands in it like he
does with most of his projects. What could've been a dark satire of
what happens when the era of peace, love, and rock & roll inherit
the Earth in one of the most turbulent decades it had turns into a
middle aged man shouting at the top of his lungs that these kids are
freakin' screw ups and are this close to making it worse as it goes
on.
Bet you said to yourself you got as sick of those driving montages
like I was, right? Good! Because we now have a WALKING montage,
complete with the gang playing in a scrapyard full of World War II
bombers. Gotta make this movie length somehow, huh Corman? They
come across a Texas Ranger who dresses them down...until they point
out they're in New Mexico, causing him to realize that's why he's not
effective and high tails it back to Texas.
This is why you never take directions from Ryoga Hibiki, people.
This convinces our...people we have met...to dress more mainstream
and conformist so they don't scare people away. Why? Because we
need our set up for GOLF to be a symbolism for war! Yeah, couldn't
get enough of that through the football players and their actions?
Well, how about, as Mark Twain once called it, a “Good walk
spoiled” taken over by a biker gang...that talks like they're the
clean cut rich guys that usually run places like that when they're
introduced...
*THUD* OW! OW! UNSUBTLE THUD HURT ME! OW!
This leads to a bit where the gang is forced by the biker's leader
(Lou Procopio) to do various odd jobs around the club as Carlos meets
Ginny (Jackie Farley) and they both decide to bolt along with the
others, save for Melisa who decides to stay because she found a
juxbox and thus it means it's the best place for her and the
ba...by...wait...she's still pregnant? But...earlier she was about
to pop...that whole thing with the doctor...wait, that wasn't an
abortion, that was her actually telling her body/baby “I'm good,
wait several more weeks/months?” That's...that's... that's not...
I need a minute...
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
Ok, I'm nack to bormal.
…
*HEADDESK*
Back to normal.
They leave, complete with the truck from the book depository from
WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY back in act one with them for some reason, only
for the truck to disappear when they get into one of the back 9 thus
calling for the bikers to launch golf balls at them as if they were
bombs complete with sound effects. If this wasn't enough to drive
home...again... “War is bad, m'kay,” the bit with a bikers turns
into this really obnoxious reenactment of Patton being kicked out of
the Korean War, only with the war terms replaced with golf ones.
I'm a freakin' pacifist and even I'm going “ENOUGH ALREADY!”
Thankfully, I don't have to shout that for the walking as we see,
after the...people we have met... see a sign that says they're closer
to the Oracle, the gang stumbles on to a property full of Army
surplus supplies AND Coralee wants to get it on with Hooper! Things
are looking u---BWA-HAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Remember, Roger Corman!
Sure enough, turns out she ate enough food to literally explode.
This is not a metaphor, I don't mean the belt on her pants, I mean
she actually went boom from eating too much, right down to the sound
effects. I just stopped asking questions at this point, I'm already
six pages in to this thing. Hooper says he wants to be alone and
wonders off to points unknown as the rest of the...people we have
met...
Yeah, have they done anything for me to call them anything outside of
the Red Dwarf reference?
...take some farm equipment and continue the journey with the truck
from earlier back and following. I'd comment on that, but this leads
to the return of Edgar Allen Poe and Lenore, observing the gang and
remarking that they're close to making the world as messed up as it
was before, but she thinks they have a better chance of fixing it.
This causes Poe to remark Usher was warned about his path and that
even creators can lose patients, leading to God replying “Don't I
know it.”
In other words, Corman going “Damn hippies.”
After calling an operator for a joke about wondering where the phone
operator was when people were still around...
Ha...hahaha...ha...hahaha?
...the...people we have met... run into a tribe of Native Americans
who use the state the new world to take America back and give back
the stereotype stuff based on them we put out over the years,
including blankets made in Japan. Get it? Get it, huh!? Get it!?
GET IT!? GEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!?
The truck vanishes before that, btw. Yeah, I don't know ether.
The gang then find the spot they were supposed to...only for it to be
a rock saying “There is no answer, but keep going.” Or to put in
my generation's terms, the princess is in another castle. They
eventually find a commune...along with the truck popping in then
popping out again...and meet it's leader who looks like if Woody
Allen were part of the Woodstock generation right down to the nervous
ticks. The gang decides it perfect and start their new lives.
And what kind of lives can our...people we have met...have? Well,
Coel becomes an elementary teacher and his first topic is
hallucinogens, namely how a pill caused people to see movies in their
mind thus turning studios into drug pushers...even though it was
funnier when one of the students said it was the other way
around...anyway, we also see Cilla having such protein deficiency,
she remembers running through the meat fields, and Carlos and Ginny
become a family.
Well, too much good things, time for the other shoe to drop! And boy
howdy does it as the football team finds the commune, this leads to
the commune deciding if they wanna arm themselves...or be better
fascists than the football team by talking to them. ...wait, what?
Whatever, if that's the most confusing thing about this, I'll take
it. The team meets with the commune and reveal that Hoop
is...a...member...wait...WHAT!? But...but...but...butbutbut...
GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
ERROR! ERROR! REBOOT! REBOOT!
Let's just finish this up as quick as I can, there's only six
mercifully short minutes left.
They try to deal with the football team, seeing as they want fruits
and veggies: They hunt and raise cattle, the commune will give them
what they want. Well, the leader says they've come too far, they
give them a deadline of 20 minutes to surrender or put up a fight.
Coel comes up with an idea and that's...put a kid in a ref's uniform
and the rest of the commune in Red Cross helmets. And...it works.
Turns out the team has standards and refuse to fire on or hurt
anybody that's under the Red Cross.
If that wasn't enough, a wind intervenes as it blows Hooper's hat
towards somebody he kept an eye on through the time there and decides
he no longer needs the football team after all. Coel says this is a
sign, and the team leader remarks he's still gonna fight, causing God
to strike the peace sign between the commune with lightning, asking
“How's that for a sign!?”
...very confusing on the grounds it was lightning hitting the peace
symbol...
Well, this was enough to cause the band who was trying to escape via
tunnel from the first encounter with the team to pop up with
EVERYBODY our...people we have met...encountered over
time...including some that were bad gu---whatever, let's just wrap
this up.
Everybody parties, we finally get an answer to that damn truck as
inside is...Abe Lincoln, Ghandi, JFK, Castro, and Martin Luther King
Jr...all driven by...Alfred E. Newman...
*THUD* OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
And it all ends with Lenore asking if the kids will make the world as
it once was, with the raven saying “Nevermore.” And no, this
wasn't Corman's idea for an ending, in fact this edit is why he left
AIP in the first place. Editing as a whole went NUTS on this thing
under studio orders, including removing the original ending that had
300 people looking to the sky as God had a final message. What was
it? We don't know, AIP dropped that ending in favor of a mega happy
ending because they, according to Corman, didn't like God's final
message.
Probably “Oy vey” if He saw the same stuff I did.
This was a satire of the youth taking over America written by a then
28 year old from the POV of a then 44 year old man who was losing all
faith in the hippie movement said youth was in. Uneven? Oh yeah.
For every moment that comes off as said youth's response to violence,
there's moments where the director is shouting “Damn hippies, get
off my lawn.” Stuff like a character stuck in the 60's or even the
alternative words to screw, that sounds like a response from somebody
in the flower power era; a football team making rape a sporting event
in the middle of an anti-war alagory, that sounds like a paranoid
middle age man, the whole picture is like this.
And before you say “Oh, how much control can a director have over
the writer on this thing,” two things: This is Roger Corman and
this was constantly re-written on the fly with him having his hand in
it as shooting was going on.
Corman has a LOT of creative control on his movies, that's how he's
always rolled and was able to make his movies with the budget he had.
Top it all of, not only was Gas-s-s a thought he himself had,
but the script was constantly re-written on the fly as the movie went
on shooting, so you have a mix of somebody who is 3 years older (At
the time) than our leads writing a satire on the hippie movement with
a 44 year old director (At the time) getting further and further away
from agreeing with the generation responsible for the Summer Of Love.
Never a good combination.
Uneven writing, uneven editing, characters that aren't exactly
compelling leads, confusing jokes, stuff that is never explained (Bad
editing or not)...this movie maybe called Gas-s-s, but it's
anything but.
FINAL VERDICT: For uneven writing, uneven filming, horrible editing
(Most of which was the studio), characters that aren't exactly
compelling, unsubtle satire and/or messages, and not really aging
well, this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB. Tune
in, turn on, brain fried. Now if you'll excuse me, I heard the voice
of God...and I left the lights on again.
“You know what Gilbert and Sullivan
needs? More 1980's!”
Said nobody ever. But, too bad,
because we got The Pirate Movie anyway.
A
1982 very loose remake of The
Pirates Of Penzance, the
movie was a rock and roll musical that decided, as the opening joke
stated, it needed more 1980's, along with a ton of references, a
sequence that screams more they needed to wrap this thing up than
being funny, and stuff that makes you think that somewhere up in the
entertainment section of Heaven, Gilbert and Sullivan themselves are
constantly facepalming.
The movie was born from the idea of one of it's lead actors, Ted
Hamilton...
Meaning you just didn't have to be the guy who changed cop dramas to
come up with awful things.
Bonus points if you remember the previous post.
...and got the go ahead to rush into production. And, boy howdy, do
I mean rushed because around that time, the 1983 movie adaptation of
the original play got the go ahead too. So, if some spots have
holes, feel rushed, or just happen without explanation, it was all to
beat a movie that made $694,497...which was due to theaters pissed
off at Universal for releasing it also on two subscription TV
services at the time, SelecTV and ONTV.
So, the movie opens with an impressive battle and, I gotta admit, a
kick ass song (“Victory”) to start off the mov---and the words
“The End” flash on the screen...
OK, THAT'S A REVIEW, STRIKE THE SITE, BREAK FOR LUNCH!
No, actually they showed a clip from a pirate movie as part of this
pirate festival at...80's Beach...Austra...Amer...Somewhere, where we
meet our leading lady, Mable (Kristy McNichol) as she's with her hot
friends and she's...a plane Jane...
Yes, even the 80's had the hot nerd trope.
Well, turns out on the big boat this...beach somewhere...is holding a
sword fighting demonstration, that her friends draft Mable to sign up
for and work with the instructor (Christopher Atkins), who takes a
linking to...uh...her...nerdy...nature...okay...I guess all it took
to know somebody in the 80's was looking like an art student and
teaching them how to use a sword.
Well, after her friends trick her out of the date to get the
instructor to themselves, Mable gets the idea to rent a boat...but
since she's never sailed before, she falls overboard and washes up
on...beach no. 2 right before the dream sequence that will be most of
the movie.
Ok, fine, this movie is mostly a dream, it's not like they're gonna
open on what many would consider the first internet meme or anything.
So the movie/dream sequence popper starts with the trainer, known
here as Frederick, ordering his shipmates to fight another ship and
to prepare to be boarded by said ship's crew...ninjas...
*SLAP*
I'm sorry, I must've seen that wrong...let me watch again...
So the movie/dream sequence popper starts with the trainer, known
here as Frederick, ordering his shipmates to fight another ship and
to prepare to be boarded by said ship's crew...ninjas...
*SLAP*
...ow...
Yeah...predating the internet, Pirates Vs. Ninjas...I got nothing
outside of asking if the fog machine was really making fog. Oh, and
the cherry on top? The actual leader of the pirates (Ted Hamilton),
known as the Pirate King...
STOP! NO! YOU! YOU WITH THE ANIME COLLECTION! YES, YOU WITH THE
WANTED POSTERS AND A CERTAIN HAT! STOP RIGHT THERE! I'M TALKING TO
YOU! YES! YOU! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
...makes a joke about “Ordering Chinese but this is rediculous.”
Excuse me...
...oog...this just started and I'm already toing dhis.
…
*HEADDESK*
Doing this.
They capture the ninja captain...who's also an Irish
Tenor...I...I..just roll with it...and then celebrate Frederic's
birthday. I dunno, I would've just called it a day after that, I
mean a Pirates Vs. Ninja party would've made for an AWESOME b-day
party back in the day. Well, turn out this means he can join the
group...except he remembers that pesky part about pirates killing his
family, and, well, that puts a damper when he announces that he's
gonna be a pirate hunter.
Kids, ya train 'em to loot and plunder and the next thing you know,
they wanna do the right thing.
This causes him to be tricked off of the ship and into a tiny
boat...but enough about that, let's jump to an island that has
several women, including Mable, wanting a man to call their own. You
can tell Mabel is the one that we're supposed to root for because the
other women are dressed like the play while she's dressed in the
80's.
After the exposition saying they all want a dude to call their own,
we jump back to Frederic's boat as the woman, Ruth (Maggie
Kirkpatrick) tries to get in his pants, something she's been waiting
to do for 21 years.
Huh..Frederic's turned 21 tod---
MOVING ON! MOVING THE FUCK ON! MOVING ON!
Frederic sees the isle of women and swims to it, where...we hear a
knock off of the Jaws theme only for it to stop...then he just
springs up slowly...WOW...easiest parody to do and you screw it right
the hell up.
Naturally, this leads to the sappiest love song that ever sapped,
“First Love” as Frederic and Mable sing about love at first
site...with horses that just appeared and then vanish again...I feel
like that loaner Crow from MST3K...
But the short sexy times, complete with an insta “Might wanna marry
you...”
...meh, close enough.
...come to a stop when Frederic's pirate family pull up on to the
island and go after Mabel's sisters, complete with the Pirate King
seeing that his ship parked on the beach and remarked that he got
pretty close to the curb.
Ok, that was funny.
This leads to a sword fight between the King and Mable...and of
course, because she's an amateur, it's sloppy. But that's fine, it's
just here until the movie gets to the play's most popular song,
“Modern Major General...”
...with a (then) modern twist, as it includes the lyrics to inform us
that the general (Bill Kerr) is older than the Beatles but younger
than the Rolling Stones.
Pure Gilbert and Sullivan.
Yeah...I gotta be honest, THAT is cringe worthy. For the most part,
they do a good job covering the song, right down to how absurd it's
supposed to sound...then they throw the Beatles line in. I get it,
it's supposed to be a parody...but the Pirates of Penzace is
already a parody, it's a satire! It's supposed to be a knock/satire
on operas, class rules, and all that stuffy...uh...stuff that Gilbert
and Sullivan wanted to make fun of with this play.
This is like writing a parody of The Naked Gun movies.
Well, after the song, the General tells the King he's an orphan, and
well, turns out they have a rule of not robbing or hurting orphans
due to being ones themselves, so they go away. Which I'm sure
they'll NEVER bother anybody again...and yes, they of course,
anchored themselves outside the cove. But Mable uses this to her
advantage, striking a deal with her dad because he doesn't want her
to marry a poor boy: They steal the treasure on the ship, give it to
Frederic, they get married. Thus, they plan on, later that night, to
board the ship...while Frederic drools over her body, causing her to
remark that the body's an eight but the brain's a 10.
...you agreed to be in this movie, you wanna re-think that?
They sneak on board, only for Frederic to reveal not only is the
treasure burred somewhere, but the map is on the back of the Pirate
King, thus we get a seduction bit loaded with bad jokes and puns,
such as yes, that is a dagger in his pocket...
If I have to ask the question, ask your parents what a pick up line
is.
...and after finding out the age of consent, saying he's old enough.
This leads to even MORE shinagines from remarking he likes how a
woman knows her place after saying she's a feminest...
Ha, ha, ha...ha, ha, ha?
...to trying to cover up Frederic damn near screwing up the plan by
saying she's got goosebumps, leading to him staring at Mable's boobs
and remarking push ups would fix that.
After tricking him into posing so Frederic can draw the map, Mable
tricks the Pirate King into blindfolding himself...and Ruth just
HAPPENS to walk on by, and uses the set up to her own advantage thus
tricking...the King...to...
MOVING ON! MOVING ON! NOTHING TO SEE HERE! MOVING ON!
Frederic and Mable manage to sink the ship and take the map leading
to the treasure, thus leading to the next day and Frederic under
water finding the treasure while Mable pumps his helmet full of air,
leading to the movie's most infamous musical number, “Pumping and
Blowing.”
If I have to explain the context for you, might I recommend re-taking
3rd Grade Health without laughing after opening the book.
But...this does have me wondering...did the original play really need
the 80's update? It's already a satire, time just changed what type
it was. When Pirates of Penzance was created, it was a 'Take
that' against the rules and systems of the day, as well as a parody
of the type of opera and theater that was popular. Now, while it's
viewed as the same kind of classic it's parodying, it's viewed more
as a parody of old plays in a historical sense vs. pop culture.
This? This is just cramming as much modern and pop culture from the
day they could so they can stay “Relevant” and rush it out to
beat the actual parody. It'd be like if Hot Shots was a
parody of Air America in response to Aces: Iron Eagle 3
coming out two years after it, it's not funny, it's more shouting
“WE'RE RELEVANT, DAMN IT,” and...why do I get the feeling there's
a modern equivalent t---
...aw crap...
Right, so, after that sequence, down to animated cartoon fish...I'm
guessing drugs due to the 80's...they find the treasure, which turns
out to be...the old treasure from Mable's family?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Well, with the pirates 20 minutes away, Mable's dad tells Frederic to
go and raise an army, which jumps to...Frederic falling off a horse?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Well, this causes the Pirate King to ambush him and...take him to a
room in the General's house that has a whole coffin?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Was the deadline to beat the '83 adaptation REALLY this important!?
Apparently so, because at one point, the fight goes in fast
forward...for just a minute as it's just a balancing act on a
balcony...
Hey, if it gets this thing over faster, I'll be happy.
...only for Frederic to land in a library and have the Pirate King
and Ruth corner him. Well, he's not going down without a fight, so
they fight in the library and...are suddenly on the roof?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
RUSH! RUSH! RUSH! GOTTA BEAT THE '83 ADAPTATION!
There are a couple of funny bits though, them agreeing to move the
fight to safer grounds when the Pirate King almost falls, taking a
break to enjoy some booze, and the Pirate King seeing physics is not
his friend as his sword just won't cut some candles down where as
Frederic had no problems. Well, enough of the comedy, let's get back
to the crap as Frederic gets the King into the coffin, and runs
swords through it, only to reveal the King escaped on the grounds you
know this magic trick already.
Eventually, the King gains the upper hand until...Frederic remembers
the Force, turning his sword into a Light Saber before Force lifting
it!?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
I swear, this movie is a perfect substitute for a frontal lobotomy.
They stop the fight when the King reveals the loophole to the whole
“Freed at 21” thing. Turns out Frederic was born during a leap
year, thus he wasn't freed at his 21st year, he was freed at his 21st
BIRTHDAY, thus meaning he's technically 5.75, leading to another 80's
music sequence about how he can't live without Mable, complete with
that Gilbert & Sullivan staple...the Casio.
He tells Mable the whole story...this leading her to wonder if, due
to this, the leather, and such, if he's really gay.
Sorry for ripping off the Nostalgia Critic with this line, but I'm
going for two!
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
Ooog...is it yver oet?
…
*HEADDESK*
Is it over yet?
They talk it out, and thus Frederic says he can't give up his sense
of honor and will go back to the pirates...as he walks on
water...only to fall in after a few feet!?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS!? 32 MINUTES!?
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
JUST HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY “THIS ISN'T FUNNY” ALREADY!?
We get another 80's song about love, blah, blah, blah. She
eventually goes and tells the General what's happening and sees he's
drunker than a dude bro on a beach, so she decides she's gonna form
the army and lead the troops herself!
...can we go back to the drunk?
After seeing Mable ride off to get her army, we see...the Keystone
Kops?
Pure Gilbert and Sull---
*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*
Get this, after a quick google search, I found out that yes, some
productions of The Pirates of Penzance, including the 1983
version that this was trying to beat at the box office, has the
Keystone Kops IN the play. I can't honestly answer how adding them
improved other adaptations or productions of the play, I've never
seen the pre-Kops version of the original or the original source
material that's giving us this rush job in general. But here, they
sing “Tarantara” and...see Mable as Joan of Arc?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
She tells them it's time to fight or die, they choose to bail on the
grounds that she's got girl parts. This has her yell she'll take it
to their boss...Inspector Clouseau...
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Really? Just...just...REALLY!? I'd show a clip of Disaster Movie
to elaborate just how stupid putting Inspector Clouseau in
something called The Pirate Movie, but I already drove that
point home once with a clip from Disaster Movie and, frankly,
one clip from that movie is enough.
Where as one clip from this movie is one too many.
Anyway, they talk and...ugh...he keeps mispronouncing she keeps
misunderstand---you know what, this makes Inspector Clouseau more
fun to watch, so I'm gonna move on before I start actually
recommending it and kick myself for doing so.
After a phallic joke involving the billy clubs and the Keystone Kops
hearing the words “Cop killing...”
If I need to tell you the exact joke, I welcome you to life then want
you to ask grandpa why grandma keeps smiling.
...we jump to the pirates...for a minute and then go back to the Kops
being chicken then back to the pirates. Boy, both of those had a
point. The pirates go to the gate and...suddenly it's time lapsing
to night? Just how far away was that thing, anyway? So they get the
battering ram and...use it to ring the doorbell and say “Avon
calling!”
…
At least when I use the reference humor in this thing, it means
something vs. “This was a thing” like this...uh...thing has!
So the Pirates start wrecking up the place while Frederic sees Mable
hidden in one of the suits of armors. The two talk with him trying
to convince her and everybody else to run, but Mable replies “Have
you tried running in one of these things lately, it's a real bitch.”
Ok, that was funny.
The pirates, all the while the Kops try to hide, managed to get into
the main study but Mable and her sisters were ready to...hit the
pirates' climbing net but not exactly...cut...it...okay...she then
pleads to Frederic to help...only for him to refuse due to his honor,
thus leading the Keystone Kops to come in and...do nothing as the
captain's baton suddenly flies and deflates like a cartoon balloon?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
I DON'T KNOW!
That's it! I've had all I can stanz, I can stanz no more! Let's
wrap this up!
The fight goes into the General's home gym, where it becomes a melee
via somebody pressing the fast forward button in some spots, the
Keystone Kops beating up a pirate...while trying to block the camera
from showing them beating up a pirate...
MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVING ON!
...Frederic trying to protect Mable, the dude with the sword from
Radiers of the Lost Arc showing up only for Indiana Jones to
shoot him again, a chef wheeling in cream pies only to reveal he's
not gonna use them but use PIZZA pies instead...
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
GAH! WON'T THIS SUCKING THING FTOP!
…
*HEADDESK*
Forget it! I'm not repeating it!
It eventually comes down to Frederic Vs. Mable, he kisses and she
replies with a knee to the groin. The pirates then surround
everybody and are ready to kill...uh...everybody, by starting with
Mable and throwing her into the sea. Realizing this is her dream...
...and this movie has to beat the 1983 adaptation...
...she ups and stops it and demands a happy ending. At first, the
dream world says 'Okay,' as the general knights Frederic and says
marrying Mable gets his approval...only for the dream for SOME REASON
to decide “Nah, gotta honor traditions” as it turns out she can't
get married until her sisters do. The Pirate King reminds her it's a
dream and everybody freezes while she plays match maker between the
pirates and her sisters while the viewer goes for a very stiff drink.
Everybody winds up with somebody, including the Pirate King with Ruth
because he wanted to be with that woman that he was with last night
via Mable's trick...
Who knew tricking somebody into thinking they were another person was
such a turn on?
...and the next day, we get a big wedding to “Give Me A Happy
Ending,” thus ending the dream.
Oh, thank Christ it's o---wait...
(Sees there's 5 minutes left)
…
Yes, we have to go back to the real world where this all started as
the pirate teacher from earlier, the one that inspired Frederic from
the dream, kisses Mable on the lips...
Because sexual assaulting somebody you just met means love in the
early 80's.
...and it finally, MERCUFULLY, ends sometime later with the two
apparently married and walking to a reprise of “Give Me A Happy
Ending,” while I sing “Give Me That Jager Bottle.”
As I said, this thing was a rush job to beat the 1983 The Pirates
Of Penzance adaptation and boy, does it show in most spots,
especially the climax. There's a reason I kept tossing out the “HEY
GUYS...” quote in this thing, after all. Then there's some of the
comedy like having Indiana Jones or Inspector Clouseau pop in and
some of the more Juvenal humor like Ruth waiting 21 years to bed
Frederic...who just turned 21...yeah...saying that's Juvenal's being
nice.
Some of the songs are actually pretty good, the stand outs being
“Victory” and “Give Me A Happy Ending,” and they do a pretty
decent job with the songs from the original play...provided they
don't throw pop culture into the mix.
But then comes the big problem...it's a parody...of a parody.
This, aside from it being a rush job, is probably why a lot of the
jokes are pop culture related or really have nothing to do with the
source material to begin with. The original play was a parody of the
class system and standards back then, so what the heck was the point
of making it a parody of itself? It could've worked just fine as a
rock opera version of The Pirates Of Penzance, the original
play is still viewed as a classic despite the elements it parodies
being long gone, but as a parody of a parody? Yeah...
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
*HEADDESK*
FINAL VERDICT: For being a rush job, a parody of a parody, throwing
in pop culture in songs that didn't need it, but bonus points for
some good songs and A funny moment, this movie gets a SUPER ATOMIC
B-MOVIE BOMB! Honestly, if you just got the soundtrack, you'd be a
lot happier. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need something to recover
from this thing so I'm gonna find a copy of Suicide Squad. Hey,
this thing made me dumb enough to call Chevy Chase movies “Art,”
what else would I use to recover from this movie?
