So, it's been a couple of years or so
since DC released the Hanna-Barbara Beyond comic line, DC's attempt
to do the Vertigo formula on classic cartoon characters. How and
what has this line done? In the words of Joe Bob Briggs: “Let's
get to them drive in totals! We have...”
-Top Cat as the next big threat to
Batman...which has yet to come to pass outside of a short back up
story published, as of this writing, last summer. (UPDATE: Now, as of
this writing, he is teaming with Superman! Yeah...try to figure that
one out, at least Flash racing Speed Buggy had SOME logic)
-The Mad Max story telling applied to
Wacky Races, complete with a preexisting character now a
trans-woman...for no reason other than for DC to shout “WE'RE
DIVERSE, DAMN IT!”
-The Scooby gang at the center of a
world altering Apocalypse...caused by Velma and her family when she
unleashed a nano virus that had the idea of “BE NICE TO EACH OTHER,
DAMN IT” only for her family to change it to “OBEY US, DAMN IT”
and screw that up.
-The Jetsons' robot maid, Rosey,
actually being George's mom...via a brain transfer into an android
body that has the reader asking “WHY IS THE ROBOT MAID A SEX BOT!?”
-The Banana Splits are a successful
music group in the DCU...that get mistaken for the Suicide Squad and
has that adventure inspire them to become hardcore rappers.
Clearly, this was the line to address
the issues of gay marriage and slavery in The Flintstones No.
4, right?
I said it before, I'll say it until the cows come home: If you have a
message with your satire, you need a gentle touch. That part of the
brain that shouts “STOP, STUPID, YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OUT” is a
VERY important part of writing a satire with a message, to ignore it
causes the satire to go from a reasonable explanation of your opinion
to just beating the viewer/reader with it.
Case in point, the main subject of this issue is gay marriage. How
do they address that everybody has the right to get married? By
having the traditional marriage be odd ball and the conservatives
demand everybody goes back to having orgies in the sex caves. That's
funny because it subverts reality, it twists what we know on it's
head but addresses the issue head on while being funny with a serious
message.
And, yes, like previous issues, this thing's writer, Mark Russell,
ignores the part of the brain that says “STOP, STUPID, YOU HAVE THE
MESSAGE!”
So, the issue opens with a flashback to the early days of
civilization to explain how the animals became appliances when we see
a saber-tooth tiger arguing with a friend of her's when she's been
kicked out of her Pride for having an affair...
Complete with a cigarette in her hand. Ha. Ha. Ha.
...and decides she can't survive on her own, so she goes to the
humans that might be eating another friend of her's, preferring them
over starvation. And this is how the animals in the Flintstones'
world become the appliances we know. Now, you might wonder how this
is a bad thing as the tiger would've starved...well, that gets
answered as we jump to the comic's present day as one of the animals,
a bird that's the beater to a mixer, sees Dino playing with Pebbles
and calls him a traitor.
Why yes. Yes, this will hurt later. This will hurt like the
dickens. This'll hurt worse than the time your ABBA loving
significant other took you to Mama Mia.
Unless you love Mama Mia, then it'll hurt worse than when your
hair metal loving significant other took you to Rock of Ages.
We at B-Movie Bomb do not discriminate deep hurting.
This all leads up to the reveal that Fred and Wilma, after watching a
right-wing news program saying marriage is wrong and just having
orgies is right because it wasn't that way when they were kids...
HEY! HEY, COMIC! TURN IT DOWN! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF OVER HOW RIGHT
YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARE!
And this is coming from a gay marriage supporter that hates ALL cable
news.
...are going on a marriage retreat to see if this new hip thing---
...wait...Pebbles is 12 in the comic, does that mean they did the
nasty in the pasty before they got hitched, early pioneers, nobody
noticed until EVERYBODY did it?
---a try. They drop Pebbles off with the Rubbles as they drive off
and run into Fred's old friends, Adam and Steve.
Yes. Yes. It's gonna go there. Yes. Yes it's going to hurt. And
yes, this is despite the fact I'm WITH the comic on it's message!
I'm gonna lay the cards out on the table so there's no if's and's or
but's about it: The main issue this part of the comic takes on is
marriage equality and they're doing so by making what we consider
traditional brand new in a world full of sex caves. THAT'S funny,
THAT'S poignant! By turning the issue on it's head and making it
about something most people think is right being viewed as wrong,
it's an examination as to WHY people would get married, both gay and
straight, and brings up some good issues for couples.
And by Gerald...
And if you read my review of the second issue, you'd get it.
...they screw it up SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad!
After saying hello, and Adam and Steve saying they'd like to give
marriage a try...
Remember, it's gonna hurt, and I AGREE with this comic.
...they head up to the retreat and it's ran by one of the priests
from the church issue. Oh, joy. And to complete this...joy of
joys...he has a guitar. Great, all he needs is to play it under a
tree and thus and the circle of douche bag is complete. Or at the
very least, some stairs.
Speaking of circles, we go around one as we're introduced to people
who have gotten married, from those that did it even before Fred &
Wilma (Saying they've been for 30 miserable years) to a pair of
youngin's who wanna know if marriage is for them. After the old guy
warns the kids about misery marriage causes, the priest then asks
Fred about what worries him about marriage.
And he gives an honest, heartfelt answer as asks if this means Wilma
will love him forever, is he keeping her just so she doesn't find
anybody else, or is there something to this being a “Bond” or is
that all just an illusion. It's reflective, and it's something that
many people in committed relationships, marriage or not, think about
every once in awhile.
So, and this is the $60,000 question: “How do they screw it up?”
With no segway, the priest points to the main attraction of the
retreat: ZIP LINNING! Oh yeah! After having my soul crushed by an
honest internal examination, I wanna slide from 5 stories up!
Meanwhile, at Casa de Flintstone, the animal appliances are
celebrating that the owners might not come back, saying things like
“What's up, Appliance” and “Appliance please.”
Yeah...this is a slavery allegory, right down to calling Dino “Uncle
Dino.” Where do I even begin in this? On the one hand, yeah,
slaves were treated as property so I get why Mark Russle did
this...on the other stop and think about this for the allegory: Dino
is the family pet, and recycling appliances means you get spare meat.
This was written by the middle aged white guy who wrote a 14 year old
girl elected to run the US via twitter, if you expect subtle, you've
come to the wrong place.
As the appliances get back into position, due to it being pointed out
the Flintstones would be back tomorrow, bowling ball opens the closet
door and makes friends with the vacuum cleaner, bonding over what
they are and what friendship means.
And, actually, the follow up DOESN'T screw it up, as it's actually
about Carl Sagon at Bam Bam's and Pebble's school explaining why
people need to be together and nobody wants to be alone, complete
with a contrast that has Bedrock's citizens arguing with the mayor
that marriage is wrong and they wanna go and deal with it themselves,
only as a reaction to the Mayor saying “Guys, there's more
important things to worry about,” making it actually funny.
So...and yes, if you're making this a drinking game, this is where
you take a shot...how do they screw it up?
Back at the retreat, the young couple asks what the heck is the point
of marriage and why they can't all just live together. The priest's
responses asks if the wife wants the husband to support her when
she's “Old and ugly,” while he then asks the husband if he'd
prefer to know who the father of their baby would be. Because
nothing says “Successful retreat” like the priest running the
thing reminding you ether how lonely you'll be when you're old or
your wife's a slut.
They then do an exercise that asks what would happen if their loved
ones died, with the older bitter couple arguing about wills, the
younger couple overacting, and Wilma wondering what to do as she
never thought about it...to which the priest makes it WORSE by
bringing up the possibility of what she'd do if Fred divorces her.
I don't think one of the mottoes of a marriage retreat should be
“STOP HELPING ME!”
Mercifully, the angry mob shows up, ready to stop the pa---I mean
“Kick the freaks out” when the priest jumps in and explains that
everything around them is brand spanking new, from society as a hole
TO marriage. Sure, it wasn't done when they were kids, but all they
want is a chance for it to rise or fall without any pressure from
people with a different opinion. In fact, he argues that over time,
maybe they can all compromise or at least come up with a “Live and
let live” situation.
And that right there is how you sum it all up. The other side of the
issue might be scared because it's new and strange, which is probably
why that one family member you know would join you in punching Nazis
balked when he heard your two best friends of the same sex were
getting married. Yes, there's assholes that stop it out of pure
hate, but for now the comic focuses on those that are just stubborn I
their traditionalist ways and I'm actually fine with that, other wise
the trade I'm reading this from would BE issue 4.
Yeah, it'd be nice if they addressed those who stop gay and lesbian
weddings out of hate, but the focus is mainly on those who don't
understand why two men or two women would get married and, for now, I
can live with that as it sums up both sides pretty well: You may not
like it, but they want it so let it succeed or fail and, as long as
you're not hurting anybody, you're free to agree or disagree.
Not only is this where you take a shot, but I'm telling you to down
the whole freakin' bottle...
HOW THE HELL DO THEY SCREW THIS UP!?
It's at that moment, the moment the message is made clear, the moment
the comic and it's writer take their stand, that Adam and Steve
showed up saying they gave marriage a try...and the very priest that
argued in favor of marriage said “No way, you can't do that.”
WHY!? Just...just...WHY!? You summed up the issue! You explained
why those in the real world against gay marriage should give it a
chance! Why do you need an actual gay marriage to drive home your
message THAT USES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE IN IT'S PLACE!? It not only
undoes the joke, but it just drives home that this comic thinks you,
the reader, are too stupid to understand that this is about gay
marriage, so here's an actual gay marriage facing the very problems
this comic was using a straight marriage to talk about moments ago.
Or simply put this comic is the asshole that keeps yelling “DID YOU
KNOW THE SLED IN CITIZEN KANE BEING ON FIRE WAS A METAPHORE
FOR LOST CHILDHOOD!?”
Fred and Wilma address the priest and explain that the reason they're
defending Adam and Steve's right to marry...
JUST LIKE THIS COMIC BOOK DID!
...is because Fred points out that Adam and Steve took care of
members of his tribe that were too young, ill, etc to do anything
beyond hunting and gathering, thus respecting their right to get
married is the right thing to, and least they can, do.
To which Adam and Steve replied they're gonna get married by the
Unitarians.
...again saying Bedrock has more than one religion...
Fred and Wilma then talk about the experience, saying all they need
is each other, and the issue ends with the Flintstones back home with
Pebbles giving Dino some pets...and the appliances appalled, saying
the two should get a room, because “Uncle Tom.”
Yeah, is there any reason I argued that the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line
fails at doing the Vertigo formula?
The idea is there, using the modern stone age family as a lens to
satire the 21st century, but the execution is under “HEY STUPID, DO
YOU GET THIS!?” There was no need for Adam and Steve to face
discrimination about getting married when the whole issue was about
that only using a traditional marriage in it's place. This is like
reading The Boy Who Cried Wolf and the final paragraph is “Oh,
by the way, it's about...”
The other half of the book actually starts an ongoing subplot where
the appliances get more and more disgruntled and are supposed to be a
fill in for slaves. Yeah, think back to the “Assorted Meats” gag
from an earlier issue and tell me you're not going “UUUUUUHHHHHHH”
while shirt tugging. The only thing to take away from that part is
the relationship forming between Vacuum Cleaner and Bowling Ball.
And if you're wondering if this'll lead to anything...eh, kinda
sorta, I'll explain more when I review the final issue in a wrap up.
Back to the main topic at hand, if you ever wanted an example of a
comic beating you over the head while shouting “YA GET IT, STUPID”
over and over again, issue 4 is your comic and, yes, I had a Hell of
a time trying to review this thing due to the two issues in it,
slavery and gay marriage, being really hot button topics today, so
all I can say I hope to God the next issue is a cake wal---
“BEDROCK THE VOTE!”
OH, FUCK ME!
FINAL VERDICT: For thinking you're an idiot they had to repeat the
message twice, for deciding that the appliances are a slave allegory
without thinking about the previous gags, this comic gets a SUPER
MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! Wanna make the “Gay ol' time” joke?
Wait until after the comic's done calling you stupid. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I need something to dull the pa---FUCK ME!
