B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned: Flintstones No. 4 (Spoilers)

So, it's been a couple of years or so since DC released the Hanna-Barbara Beyond comic line, DC's attempt to do the Vertigo formula on classic cartoon characters. How and what has this line done? In the words of Joe Bob Briggs: “Let's get to them drive in totals! We have...”

-Top Cat as the next big threat to Batman...which has yet to come to pass outside of a short back up story published, as of this writing, last summer. (UPDATE: Now, as of this writing, he is teaming with Superman! Yeah...try to figure that one out, at least Flash racing Speed Buggy had SOME logic)

-The Mad Max story telling applied to Wacky Races, complete with a preexisting character now a trans-woman...for no reason other than for DC to shout “WE'RE DIVERSE, DAMN IT!”

-The Scooby gang at the center of a world altering Apocalypse...caused by Velma and her family when she unleashed a nano virus that had the idea of “BE NICE TO EACH OTHER, DAMN IT” only for her family to change it to “OBEY US, DAMN IT” and screw that up.

-The Jetsons' robot maid, Rosey, actually being George's mom...via a brain transfer into an android body that has the reader asking “WHY IS THE ROBOT MAID A SEX BOT!?”

-The Banana Splits are a successful music group in the DCU...that get mistaken for the Suicide Squad and has that adventure inspire them to become hardcore rappers.

Clearly, this was the line to address the issues of gay marriage and slavery in The Flintstones No. 4, right?

I said it before, I'll say it until the cows come home: If you have a message with your satire, you need a gentle touch. That part of the brain that shouts “STOP, STUPID, YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OUT” is a VERY important part of writing a satire with a message, to ignore it causes the satire to go from a reasonable explanation of your opinion to just beating the viewer/reader with it.

Case in point, the main subject of this issue is gay marriage. How do they address that everybody has the right to get married? By having the traditional marriage be odd ball and the conservatives demand everybody goes back to having orgies in the sex caves. That's funny because it subverts reality, it twists what we know on it's head but addresses the issue head on while being funny with a serious message.

And, yes, like previous issues, this thing's writer, Mark Russell, ignores the part of the brain that says “STOP, STUPID, YOU HAVE THE MESSAGE!”

So, the issue opens with a flashback to the early days of civilization to explain how the animals became appliances when we see a saber-tooth tiger arguing with a friend of her's when she's been kicked out of her Pride for having an affair...

Complete with a cigarette in her hand. Ha. Ha. Ha.

...and decides she can't survive on her own, so she goes to the humans that might be eating another friend of her's, preferring them over starvation. And this is how the animals in the Flintstones' world become the appliances we know. Now, you might wonder how this is a bad thing as the tiger would've starved...well, that gets answered as we jump to the comic's present day as one of the animals, a bird that's the beater to a mixer, sees Dino playing with Pebbles and calls him a traitor.

Why yes. Yes, this will hurt later. This will hurt like the dickens. This'll hurt worse than the time your ABBA loving significant other took you to Mama Mia.

Unless you love Mama Mia, then it'll hurt worse than when your hair metal loving significant other took you to Rock of Ages.

We at B-Movie Bomb do not discriminate deep hurting.

This all leads up to the reveal that Fred and Wilma, after watching a right-wing news program saying marriage is wrong and just having orgies is right because it wasn't that way when they were kids...

HEY! HEY, COMIC! TURN IT DOWN! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF OVER HOW RIGHT YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARE!

And this is coming from a gay marriage supporter that hates ALL cable news.

...are going on a marriage retreat to see if this new hip thing---

...wait...Pebbles is 12 in the comic, does that mean they did the nasty in the pasty before they got hitched, early pioneers, nobody noticed until EVERYBODY did it?

---a try. They drop Pebbles off with the Rubbles as they drive off and run into Fred's old friends, Adam and Steve.

Yes. Yes. It's gonna go there. Yes. Yes it's going to hurt. And yes, this is despite the fact I'm WITH the comic on it's message!

I'm gonna lay the cards out on the table so there's no if's and's or but's about it: The main issue this part of the comic takes on is marriage equality and they're doing so by making what we consider traditional brand new in a world full of sex caves. THAT'S funny, THAT'S poignant! By turning the issue on it's head and making it about something most people think is right being viewed as wrong, it's an examination as to WHY people would get married, both gay and straight, and brings up some good issues for couples.

And by Gerald...

And if you read my review of the second issue, you'd get it.

...they screw it up SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad!

After saying hello, and Adam and Steve saying they'd like to give marriage a try...

Remember, it's gonna hurt, and I AGREE with this comic.

...they head up to the retreat and it's ran by one of the priests from the church issue. Oh, joy. And to complete this...joy of joys...he has a guitar. Great, all he needs is to play it under a tree and thus and the circle of douche bag is complete. Or at the very least, some stairs.

Speaking of circles, we go around one as we're introduced to people who have gotten married, from those that did it even before Fred & Wilma (Saying they've been for 30 miserable years) to a pair of youngin's who wanna know if marriage is for them. After the old guy warns the kids about misery marriage causes, the priest then asks Fred about what worries him about marriage.

And he gives an honest, heartfelt answer as asks if this means Wilma will love him forever, is he keeping her just so she doesn't find anybody else, or is there something to this being a “Bond” or is that all just an illusion. It's reflective, and it's something that many people in committed relationships, marriage or not, think about every once in awhile.

So, and this is the $60,000 question: “How do they screw it up?”

With no segway, the priest points to the main attraction of the retreat: ZIP LINNING! Oh yeah! After having my soul crushed by an honest internal examination, I wanna slide from 5 stories up!

Meanwhile, at Casa de Flintstone, the animal appliances are celebrating that the owners might not come back, saying things like “What's up, Appliance” and “Appliance please.”

Yeah...this is a slavery allegory, right down to calling Dino “Uncle Dino.” Where do I even begin in this? On the one hand, yeah, slaves were treated as property so I get why Mark Russle did this...on the other stop and think about this for the allegory: Dino is the family pet, and recycling appliances means you get spare meat.

This was written by the middle aged white guy who wrote a 14 year old girl elected to run the US via twitter, if you expect subtle, you've come to the wrong place.

As the appliances get back into position, due to it being pointed out the Flintstones would be back tomorrow, bowling ball opens the closet door and makes friends with the vacuum cleaner, bonding over what they are and what friendship means.

And, actually, the follow up DOESN'T screw it up, as it's actually about Carl Sagon at Bam Bam's and Pebble's school explaining why people need to be together and nobody wants to be alone, complete with a contrast that has Bedrock's citizens arguing with the mayor that marriage is wrong and they wanna go and deal with it themselves, only as a reaction to the Mayor saying “Guys, there's more important things to worry about,” making it actually funny.

So...and yes, if you're making this a drinking game, this is where you take a shot...how do they screw it up?

Back at the retreat, the young couple asks what the heck is the point of marriage and why they can't all just live together. The priest's responses asks if the wife wants the husband to support her when she's “Old and ugly,” while he then asks the husband if he'd prefer to know who the father of their baby would be. Because nothing says “Successful retreat” like the priest running the thing reminding you ether how lonely you'll be when you're old or your wife's a slut.

They then do an exercise that asks what would happen if their loved ones died, with the older bitter couple arguing about wills, the younger couple overacting, and Wilma wondering what to do as she never thought about it...to which the priest makes it WORSE by bringing up the possibility of what she'd do if Fred divorces her.

I don't think one of the mottoes of a marriage retreat should be “STOP HELPING ME!”

Mercifully, the angry mob shows up, ready to stop the pa---I mean “Kick the freaks out” when the priest jumps in and explains that everything around them is brand spanking new, from society as a hole TO marriage. Sure, it wasn't done when they were kids, but all they want is a chance for it to rise or fall without any pressure from people with a different opinion. In fact, he argues that over time, maybe they can all compromise or at least come up with a “Live and let live” situation.

And that right there is how you sum it all up. The other side of the issue might be scared because it's new and strange, which is probably why that one family member you know would join you in punching Nazis balked when he heard your two best friends of the same sex were getting married. Yes, there's assholes that stop it out of pure hate, but for now the comic focuses on those that are just stubborn I their traditionalist ways and I'm actually fine with that, other wise the trade I'm reading this from would BE issue 4.

Yeah, it'd be nice if they addressed those who stop gay and lesbian weddings out of hate, but the focus is mainly on those who don't understand why two men or two women would get married and, for now, I can live with that as it sums up both sides pretty well: You may not like it, but they want it so let it succeed or fail and, as long as you're not hurting anybody, you're free to agree or disagree.

Not only is this where you take a shot, but I'm telling you to down the whole freakin' bottle...

HOW THE HELL DO THEY SCREW THIS UP!?

It's at that moment, the moment the message is made clear, the moment the comic and it's writer take their stand, that Adam and Steve showed up saying they gave marriage a try...and the very priest that argued in favor of marriage said “No way, you can't do that.”

WHY!? Just...just...WHY!? You summed up the issue! You explained why those in the real world against gay marriage should give it a chance! Why do you need an actual gay marriage to drive home your message THAT USES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE IN IT'S PLACE!? It not only undoes the joke, but it just drives home that this comic thinks you, the reader, are too stupid to understand that this is about gay marriage, so here's an actual gay marriage facing the very problems this comic was using a straight marriage to talk about moments ago.

Or simply put this comic is the asshole that keeps yelling “DID YOU KNOW THE SLED IN CITIZEN KANE BEING ON FIRE WAS A METAPHORE FOR LOST CHILDHOOD!?”

Fred and Wilma address the priest and explain that the reason they're defending Adam and Steve's right to marry...

JUST LIKE THIS COMIC BOOK DID!

...is because Fred points out that Adam and Steve took care of members of his tribe that were too young, ill, etc to do anything beyond hunting and gathering, thus respecting their right to get married is the right thing to, and least they can, do.

To which Adam and Steve replied they're gonna get married by the Unitarians.

...again saying Bedrock has more than one religion...

Fred and Wilma then talk about the experience, saying all they need is each other, and the issue ends with the Flintstones back home with Pebbles giving Dino some pets...and the appliances appalled, saying the two should get a room, because “Uncle Tom.”

Yeah, is there any reason I argued that the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line fails at doing the Vertigo formula?

The idea is there, using the modern stone age family as a lens to satire the 21st century, but the execution is under “HEY STUPID, DO YOU GET THIS!?” There was no need for Adam and Steve to face discrimination about getting married when the whole issue was about that only using a traditional marriage in it's place. This is like reading The Boy Who Cried Wolf and the final paragraph is “Oh, by the way, it's about...”

The other half of the book actually starts an ongoing subplot where the appliances get more and more disgruntled and are supposed to be a fill in for slaves. Yeah, think back to the “Assorted Meats” gag from an earlier issue and tell me you're not going “UUUUUUHHHHHHH” while shirt tugging. The only thing to take away from that part is the relationship forming between Vacuum Cleaner and Bowling Ball.

And if you're wondering if this'll lead to anything...eh, kinda sorta, I'll explain more when I review the final issue in a wrap up.

Back to the main topic at hand, if you ever wanted an example of a comic beating you over the head while shouting “YA GET IT, STUPID” over and over again, issue 4 is your comic and, yes, I had a Hell of a time trying to review this thing due to the two issues in it, slavery and gay marriage, being really hot button topics today, so all I can say I hope to God the next issue is a cake wal---

“BEDROCK THE VOTE!”

OH, FUCK ME!

FINAL VERDICT: For thinking you're an idiot they had to repeat the message twice, for deciding that the appliances are a slave allegory without thinking about the previous gags, this comic gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! Wanna make the “Gay ol' time” joke? Wait until after the comic's done calling you stupid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need something to dull the pa---FUCK ME!