B-Movie Bomb: Mad Magazine Presents: Up The Academy (Spoiled rotten)

Note: Because it's no longer on Netflix, and I really don't wanna rent/buy it for right now, Loaded Weapon 1 is put on the back burner until I wanna rent it...but it's such a lame duck (With a few good jokes, I'll admit), I'm not exactly in a rush to kill what's left of my brain cells...especially since I gotta review this stinkburger thanks to a bet...so, yeah, enjoy a different round of pain...sorry...

*SIGH*

In a combination to delay this pain as much as possible, AND because of the events leading to this mess...though knowing me, you can probably guess which is the greater priority...before we talk about the movie, lets...uh...talk about the movie.

Long, long ago, in the before time, there were two major satire magazines trying to get you, the reader, to laugh. National Lampoon and Mad Magazine! Both were satire magazines that made fun of various things at the time, but in different ways. Mad was more of a parody along the lines of Airplane and The Naked Gun, where as National Lampoon wasn't afraid to...uh...

...yeah...those...

At one point, National Lampoon decided to get into the movie business, resulting in classics including Animal House and the Vacation franchise...and to say Mad was...um...MAD about this is an understatement. They wanted that same movie pie Lampoon got and were gonna get it! If Animal House made all it's money by being raunchy and unapologetic, Mad would make sure their movie was even MORE raunchy and even MORE unapologetic!

Never mind that it didn't go with the style of the magazine, WE'S GOTS TO MAKE MUNEH!

Well...that's where Mad realized they bit themselves in the ass. When the movie, which had Robert Downy Sr. directing, was said and done...they HATED it! They did everything they could to withdraw from the movie as soon as possible like it had leprosy! The movie was so bad, Mad themselves, and these are the guys that LOVE to take pot shots at their own company, could only do two pages when it was time to do the parody: A page giving character and motivation...then another page that go 3 panels in before the entire staff quits.

I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING!

So, yeah, Mad did it's best to, and for a while had, remove their name from the movie...until several years after it's founder, William M. Gains, passed away and a DVD release restored both name AND footage connected to Mad.

Resulting in the mess we have right now... Mad Magazine Presents: Up The Academy!

Let's not waste anymore time...let's just peel off the band-aid and cry in misery...

So, the movie opens with a mafia guy telling he's ashamed of his son (Ralph Macchio) not getting in the family business of running brothels and casinos, so he's gonna get shipped off to military school to learn to listen!

I don't think the army drills people on how to run hookers and dice.

We then go to an African American religious family, where the dad says the academy'll get him closer to God and to say good by to his step-mom...to which Ike (Wendell Brown) and his step-mom make out...right behind the dad...and she asks him where the pot is...within the dad's earshot...then we have an implication that he's gonna beat his son if he doesn't make the plane, and---

Look, white people wrote this. That's the nicest thing I can say without problems, white people wrote this.

We then jump to an Arab family...

OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod....

...look, I'll knock this joke out all at once: The son, Hash (Tommy Citera) is being sent to the academy because he's a thief...oh God...and there's a joke about getting his mom mixed up due to women being covered in veils...then it's revealed his dad impregnated the wrong woman because of the veils...

I am 2 minutes in and I already curse life.

And...yes, Hash is looking just as pasty as Sokka and Kora from The Last Airbender, and I don't think time in the desert sun's gonna fix it!

And we then jump to a mayor's office, where his son, Oliver (Hutch Parker) reveals to his dad that he got his girlfriend pregnant and wants to do the right thing...and the mayor replies he will as it jumps to...the abortion clinic...

THREE minutes in...

And after an opening that shows Alfred E. Neuman seeing a bunch of wood soldiers getting knocked over, we jump to a Patton parody to welcome the kids that ends with a fart joke...because why not? As for the jokes when we get to the academy itself? A blind barber, a gay tailor (Tom Poston), and a church window that has three religions in it, with the Jewish section highlighted and the caption on the bottom reading “It Takes All Kinds.”

I don't know, I don't wanna know.

So of course, the kids hate each other, Hash stole some candle holders from the church...

Remember, this was written by white guys.

...and we meet their new instructor, Liceman (Ron Leibman), who proceeds to drill Oliver by saying “Mine” over and over again. So then, he mentions that he was sad he graduated the academy, happy to come back, and was happy to serve in Vietnam...and since this is a comedy, I think its safe to say the implication is he's a bit of a fascist. Sure enough, after calling Hash a racist term after spotting the candles, threatened to take his balls off. BTW, any shock that Leibman wanted his name OFF the movie?

Didn't think so.

Sometime later, Oliver writes back to Candy and it turns out, not only did Liceman read the letters both to AND from Candy, but Candy was sent to the girl's military academy not far from there, because why not? Oh, and this is all after Liceman shouts “HALT,” everybody stops, but he clears it up by saying he meant “HALT-HALT!”

...I...I just...17 minutes and my life force is gone...

Well, now it's time to get that R-rating, as Mad's own parody pointed out, as we get to the cleavage showing teacher, Bliss (Barbra Bach) showing off as many ways you can get turned on from weapons! Some where, a militia is asking for a new pair of pants.

We then hear, and even see some of, Ike's dad preaching in a stud---

I mean SUPER BIG MEGA CHURCH THAT IS IN NO WAY JUST A SMALL ONE ROOM SET!

---and Hash...bowing to oil...

I think for the first time in my life, I hate Mad Magazine.

...only in time for the gay tailor, Sisson...yes...really...demand the boys to get out of the shorts for laundry, but they refused and said they'll do it themselves much to his disappointment.

No...I'm not gonna give “It was a different time” excuse given what the people who wrote this gave us already.

Ike then writes his note, revealing that the step-mom and his dad got a divorce, lies that the soccer coach (Antonio Fargas) likes him, and calls Liceman the devil...despite that all he's done that was evil so far was tell people to repeat things, threatening one person, and reading mail...two of which I hear is typical military academy rules.

Threatening...not so much.

So, Liceman then announces that the parents day will culminate in a soccer game between the staff and the kids, and the staff never lost. After Cooch shows off his skills, he kicks off the ball to Liceman, who tosses it back to the field...and Hash catches it and tosses it to Liceman's head, which leads to ANOTHER racist tirade from Liceman...so, yeah, we're now to where he IS the devil instead of nasty instructor...and finds out about Hash...stealing...more...stuff...

I'm gonna steal from MST3K: “To any Arab, any human being, we apologize for the following scene.”

While doing toilet duty, Hash and Oliver talk because Hash wants to get a note to Candy, but doesn't want Liceman to see it. Hash then reveals he has a car nearby and they can sneak out...but shortly after this, Liceman tells him to squeal on his roommates in exchange for getting out of cleaning the toilets. Enough about that, though, we gotta meet the new guy! Enter Blut---I mean Rodney Ververgaert (Harry Teinowitz) who introduces himself by saying...he still pees in bed...because he's so mentally disturbed, he sets fires to his last bunch of schools...and yeah...that's the joke.

I hate this movie, I hate this movie, I hate this movie.

Sometime later, after a bit where Liceman confirms the new guy's a firebug, they (Save for Cooch) decide to go over the fence an get Hash's car...because Animal House did it...to drive to the girl's academy. This causes the local gas station owners, racist rednecks, to be rude to 'em and ready to kill 'em when Hash steals the gas...after they refuse to take his Bank of Arab card...and he says he “Never leaves home with out it.”

I just recap what I see, I know it's not funny.

Eventually, they do get Oliver to the girl's academy and he sees Candy is on the second floor of the dorm, leading him to look in on the other girls as he walks in. This means he sees things, like...two girls having a joust with those things you'd see years later on American Gladiators...okay...punching a heavy bag while another girl shaves...her face...

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Oliver and Candy do meet up, and they make out and catch up with news from home. Namely, Oliver's dad is in the lead in the polls thanks to his anti-abortion stance...

Ha...ha...ha...

...and Candy's family lost the store in a fire as one of her uncles was in the meat department, but don't worry, he came out medium well.

Ok...no joke, I actually did laugh at that...but that was because every other joke SUCKS.

Turns out, though, Oliver forgot his condoms...but they still go through with it...only to have one minute to spare to get back to the group, but the guards spot him! He leaves just as soon as the guards spot him, but gets out in time as the guys dodge the rednecks, who crash into the school! This causes the rednecks to...run into two girls growling like guard dogs...

I...I don't know...I just don't know...

…before assaulting the rednecks...

Oh, and this was AFTER a scene where a female cadet said she worked her balls off to be a soldier.

Factor in the face shaving and you can probably guess the big joke with this. And I'm sorry.

But it turns out they all got caught and now comes the grand military tradition of...black mail! Liceman, somehow, has pictures and will tell everybody what happened if the boys don't send Candy over to him next time, shine his shoes (Yes, he looked at Ike when he said that), and pass over the other girls to him, too. And after that moment, we jump to...more scenes to get that R rating with the ballistic boobs, then we see the guys figure out how to throw off Cooch to prevent him from squealing while they take the pictures back.

And, to think, it'd take him faking being a teenager a second time to save his career.

But it turns out Cooch WASN'T the stool pigeon, but the new guy! And Cooch was tailing him to record this...so...wait, why was Cooch leaving earlier while they were at the girl's academy? Whatever, this is the least of this movie's problems. He clears his name and everybody works together to try to stop both Liceman and Vevergaert while eating pig balls...and yes, there's a joke where Hash likes it...for the same reason two white guys wrote this.

So now the gang has a plan, which includes...3 of them leaving the academy and dressed like Hash to get what they need...and after that, we go right to the dance, where the guys are getting ready and the plan to fool the two villains is ago! And if I come off like I don't care anymore, I just want this to end, there's a good reason...

I don't care anymore, I just want this to end.

Oh, and if you want a reminder two white guys wrote this, a wild badly singing barbershop quartet appears! No...really... this is all so Ike can run into Bliss and give her some weed...as we the singing is so bad, the glass breaks, the stock footage of buildings crumble, and the film itself breaks!

Ok, THAT I wasn't expecting, so that got a laugh out of me.

And, yes, I wanna roshambo myself for it.

So, yeah, plan goes belly up as Ike is getting stoned with with Bliss...only it doesn't as he actually manages to stop Vevergaert to let the plan go after all...so...no...I don't know the point of earlier...or care...and the sting is on, as the gang, with help from Candy, tricks Liceman into crossdressing and take pictures of him in the women's underwear.

Did I mention Ron Leibman wanted his name off of this? Yeah, apparently, Zorro: The Gay Blade had more dignity.

I'M NOT GOING TO TEST THAT!

Eventually, Vevergaret goes free...but not before the pictures get taken...and it's revealed that Liceman is Vevergaret's uncle...I don't care...I'm at apathy levels with this, how much worse can this...

So, both sides at a stalemate, it's decided that whoever wins the soccer game, that side gets all the blackmail pictures from the other.

*HEADDESK**HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*

SURE! LET'S MAKE THIS AN 11TH HOUR SPORTS MOVIE!? WHY NOT!? WE HAVE NO ORIGINAL IDEAS HERE, LET'S TAKE FROM STUFF OUTSIDE OF THE MOVIE WE'RE TRYING TO BEAT! GAH, I HATE THIS MOVIE!

So, Parents Day comes...shenanigans repeated from earlier...blah, blah, soccer game about to start, blah, blah...there's just 11 minutes left and even if this thing wasn't offensive on every level to watch, there's not much substance as I'm writing as I'm watching...

I sure as Hell am NOT gonna see this ever again, not for any reason!

...and I'm only on page 6, so let's just wrap it up.

So, the game's about to start, complete with the national anthem by Sisson and a rocket launch by Hash.

I just saw the joke that's coming and now I no know math good know more.

Wait, there's 10 minutes left, how fast is this match going to be?

And, yes, Hash blew up a bridge. I. Hate. This. Movie.

So, turns out the gang were planing on stealing the pictures back all along, as they rigged the students' section to hold up the picture of Liceman, with audio from that night, causing the staff to lose. Liceman snaps and just when Hash says he can't get the pictures, and Liceman says he's gonna cost Oliver's dad the election, Ververgaert pulls a face turn because...because...

No, seriously, we don't know! All we know is he burned a picture of his uncle and...that's it. That means he's good now...I guess...

Anyway, Ververgaert arms a missile, and launches it at Liceman's bunSok, causing all the blackmail pictures he had to go boom with it. So, yeah, Liceman's career is wrecked as he makes the front page of a Michigan newspaper...which is important as it shows Oliver's dad got re-elected...ok...Oliver and Candy get to dive Oliver's new car, the guys follow along in Hash's car, and we see that trying to hitchhike is Liceman...causing the guys to high tail it and the movie...to be on repeat!?

NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Actually, the joke ends as the movie rewinds the last few seconds to put in new footage that had Alfred E. Neuman watch the whole bit...and this mercifully, thankfully, ENDS!

The only reason this had the Mad stuff put back in is because when Warner Bros. bought out the magazine, they wasted no time in putting everything back in for various releases, including syndication and cable.

No, I have no idea why ANYBODY would pay for the rights to this thing.

Mad was ashamed to have this movie attached to them and still is today for OBVIOUS reasons. The offensive jokes aren't funny, half the time are just there to BE offensive instead of funny, the rest of the gags suck save for a couple of them, and that's only because I didn't expect anything TO be funny at all, and the whole thing makes me feel horrible for watching.

But even if the raunchy stuff was toned down and the humor not as offensive or offensive at all, it would suffer for one other thing...it's as thick as paper.

I'm on page 7, writing a review of a movie as I watch...and it's 1 hour and 26 minutes long. I wrote a review for Pearl Harbor as I watched that because I knew a second time would be a slog for the length, and that was around 5 pages...something's wrong when a movie over an hour can only get so much for summary. Light on story, very little humor, one of the worst things humanity has ever made, AND embarrassed Mad Magazine to boot. If I EVER see this again under my own free will, take that as a sign that I've been kidnapped and call the police.

Or this movie made me that stupid.

FINAL VERDICT: For one of the worst thing I ever seen, for one of the worst things humanity ever made, and for something even Mad Magazine regrets, this movie gets a WORLD DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Avoid, avoid, for the love of everything holy, AVOID! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm getting sick and tired of this awful movies that legit get me angry. I need an easy target, one that not only I've done before, but I think I can write better than the last time I saw it...which means it's time to go to the disco floor and get your grandma's/mom's favorite band to sing to when they think they're alone...

...ok, maybe this movie DID make me that stupid...