B-Movie Bomb: Unfrosted (Spoilers)

There's an unwritten rule in Hollywood when it comes to making parody films, especially if it's in response to something, and sequels: Don't make it out of spite.

Spite movies have a tendency to, to put a fine point on it, blow chunks. When you do something out of “OH YEAH!? WELL, WATCH THIS,” it has a tendency to suck because the focus isn't on the movie's story, jokes, and/or plot. It's main focus is to stick it to the last/a particular movie, so things tend to suffer on the grounds of whoever making it, be it the writer, director, producer, or all of 'em, it's not being made to entertain, it's being made to flip off.

Scary Movie 4 sucked...

Exorcist 2: The Heretic sucked...

Jane Austen's Mafia sucked (I mean, c'mon, the title's joke is because the 90's was good for Jane Austin adaptations, what does that say for the rest of the movie?)

You get the point. So, yeah, you can guess why Jerry Seinfeld's response to Barbie came out as Unfrosted, things got soggy. Hey, the movie does way worse, ok?

Yes, Jerry Seinfeld made his directorial debut on Netflix with what was, by his own admission, a Barbie movie for the dudes because he thinks dudes should have their own version of Barbie. If your two responses are “But isn't Barbie an all dude movie on the grounds that it's about growing up but never forgetting the childhood that made you” or “With cereal?” Congrats! You figured out why this spite movie sucks!

The whole point of a movie like Barbie is the simplest one as movies have done this plot for decades upon decades: Growing up sucks, either enjoy your childhood or never forget what of it shaped you. Big, 17 Again, 13 going on 30, etc, They all have the same moral but approach it in a different way. Why do you think the ending joke in Barbie exists?

When you make something like Unfrosted, you're not focused on that part. The focus is “Hey, why can I make a 60's pop culture movie for dudes if babes got this?” Of course, when the first thought in your head is “Pop Tarts,” you already lost the plot.

And taken a few other things to get a craving for those Pop Tarts, but mainly lost the plot.

So, the movie opens with a runway kid going into a dinner where he meets Jerry Seinfeld's self insert No. Who The Hell Cares At This Point, Bob Cabana. Bob will be our legal substitute for William Post on the grounds that Netflix or Seinfeld never got the legal ok to play William Post's estate. Yes, it's a parody, but Post still has an estate that can sue Seinfeld's ass. Given what's about to happen, I think it's wise both he and Netflix erred on the side of “The family might not like this...”

And before anybody asks, unlike when this happened with Diana: The Musical, I KNOW it's supposed to be a parody...which I'm gonna get the main problem with this out of the way now...there's gonna be only so many times I can write, and you can read, “This is not funny.”

The problem with pointing out a bad comedy is that it boils down to one thing: The reason it sucks is that it's not funny. It's easier to rip to shreds a bad drama, action movie, etc or something where comedy is a sub-genre because those are bad for multiple reasons (Unintentionally funny, overbearing, action movies with no action, predictable mystery, etc). Bad comedy just boils down to one thing, even if it's something like acting or writing as it's connected TO that one thing: It's not funny. It's not impossible to MAKE something like that funny, MST3K did an entire ep with the comedy Catalina Caper, and it turned out to be a classic...except Joel and the others said it was damn near hard to write and rarely tried it again.

Back to the story and when Bob sees the kid is a runaway, they make small talk and it leads to the movie proper as the majority of it is a flashback to explain how the Pop Tart was invented. Ya know, I can't help but think the last time I saw Kellogg in a movie was The Road To Wellville, where it played up how nuts the corn flake inventor (Yes, really, the movie played up the legit insanity of John Harvey Kellogg) for dark humor and laughs...and failed miserably and royally sucked.

We're about to watch a lighter comedy with the Kellogg name in it. I anticipate more blandness than an actual corn flake.

We see Bob get to work and meet his boss, the “Made up relative so the real estate and their lawyers can't sue us over him, either” boss of Kellogg, Edsel (Ha, ha, ha) Kellogg III (Jim Gaffigan) as they talk about the upcoming cereal award, the Bowl & Spoon. Except Bob feels...off...that their neighbors across the street (No, really), Post, might be up to something...which he shrugs off because we got gags to get to!

And warning you right now, do not operate heavy machinery if you watch this movie after seeing said “Gags.” First such said “gag?” Well, turns out Thurl Ravencroft (Hugh Grant) is causing trouble because he just can't find the right way to promote Frosted Flakes, even tells Bob this...until Ravencroft says an idea would be “GRRRRRRRRREAT” and BAM, catchphrase Bob'll take to the lab, which Ravencroft REALLY wants to see...except he's told there's no lab. Also, keep in mind what I just summed up, because it's gonna hurt...

NOW as the next people Bob run into are none other than Snap (Kyle Mooney), Crackle (Mikey Day), and Pop (Drew Traver), and they demand a few things, namely a raise and being able to put out an album. Bob's reply is to say he can replace them with ANY noises and tells them to beat feet. Yes, this implies Snap, Crackle, and Pop are real...shortly after confirming Tony The Tiger is a character played by an actor.

*CRACK*

OW! OW! MY NECK! THE WHIPLASH! OW!

Never mind the fact that this is an uneven form of writing (From a PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN...or TWO as Spike Feresten co-wrote the screenplay with Seinfeld), but this went from a somewhat grounded parody to a fantasy parody...and it gets even more insane (In a bad way) from here. Now, you can make the excuse that this is all from the kid's POV. The movie establishes that the most of the running time is a flashback told to this kid by Bob. Kid's have wild imaginations, even gets some info wrong, and if they're either born sometime after certain events, to borrow a quote from Todd In The Shadows, “Everything gets put in the past.” Everything gets lumped together as the *BLANK* decade, so it's natural that a kid would make that literal.

Except an ending punchline will prove that moot as it implies, yes, everything I'm about to sum up ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

We then get to the Spoon and Bowel awards, where we meet the head of Post, the 76-year-old Marjorie Post, played by...43-year-old Amy Schemer...

…

…

Ok, if you're expecting the “At least the performance should make up any issues and she can be funny” gag...

These clips explain it all. No, what I wanna point out is that, like Ravencroft, Post is one of the few REAL WORLD characters in this thing that had to change a lot of names and faces so any estates or living people wouldn't serve Seinfeld or Netflix because...well, we'll get to that nugget in a bit when we get to the BIGGER nugget. So, either Revencroft and Post's estates are REALLY laxed on this stuff with humor, or there's some lawsuits that Netflix is REALLY burying.

After seeing that Quaker Oats is ran by real Quakers because Jerry Seinfeld can't resist making a bad joke, we see Kellogg's sweeps the awards and takes every trophy home, except Bob feels that something's off. That Post had something up her sleeve and was smiling less that she was confident that she'd win, and more “Enjoy your last night, boys.”

Or she knows what she'll dump on Netflix after this movie's over...

The next day, Bob sees kids digging in Post's trash and when he asks why they're doing this, it turns out they tossed out some stuff known as “The Goo.” This convinces both Bob and Edsel that Post cracked the one thing Kellogg's has yet to do...THE BREAKFAST PASTRY! After hiring a guy to look into it, they find out that the company swiped THEIR plans to make the pastry and wonder how that happened...

...followed by the gag that nobody in the room noticed the bulky 8 MM camera on the end of the janitor's mop. Ok, that's kinda funny.

Bob then knows it's time to fight back and wants his old no. 2 back in the job with him. The problem is she, Donna “Stan” Stankowski (Mellissa McCarthy) is working at NASA to give the future moon goers food they can actually eat out in space. After a joke that leads to the creation of Tang, the problem...is SOLVED as all Bob has to do is the ol' “C'mon!” bit, complete with the two thinking nobody is REALLY going to the moon.

I mean, we're already gonna parody the moon-landing in this thing, no need to have the ACTUAL thing when we got an unfunny substitute.

After getting the space to work from Edsel, Bob and Stan go to it with a team Stan selected...that we'll find out was on the bottom of the list because who she REALLY wanted got rejected or said no. They then have a press conference that echos the Moon-landing because Seinfeld wanted to stick it to Barbie. Who did she get? Well, in the words of Joe Bob Briggs, “Let's get to them drive-in totals.” We have...

-Fitness guru Jack LaLanne (James Marsden), one of the real world characters in this thing who is brought in to make sure things are healthy...by replacing the tons of sugar with high fructose corn syrup.

-Steve Schwinn (Jack McBrayer), a fictional version of one of the heads of Schwinn that you might know as a bike maker...which he is because he had no clue he got drafted to make a snack for kids.

-Chef Boyardee (Bobby Moynihan), another one of the real world characters, responsible for the line that created the pasta of the same name. He makes the most sense, so his gag is reserved for later...but is still not funny.

-Tom Carvel (Adrian Martinez), another one of the real world characters, the man who gave the world soft serve ice cream and Fudgie The Whale and Cookie Puss...and he's constantly exhausted, sour, and doesn't look happy to be there.

-UNIVAC: IBM's punch chard computer that...is a real asshole and can't stop reading when people are gonna die (Even predicts accurately one person dying during the announcement).

-Harold von Bruhut (Thomas Lennon), another one of the real world characters, the man who created Sea Monkeys...and was a real life white supremacists. Now, that means the jokes lean into that and that's fine, that's expected...but Seinfeld and Feresten take that one extra step that adds an uncomfortable layer and imply that he is not just an escaped Nazi, but an escaped Nazi that participated in the Holocaust.

Yes. Yes, really. In the response to the Barbie movie, we get this gem of a jo---

Guys...what the Hell is this? Look, I get dark humor, and I get that Nazis are part of that dark humor...

But most people will tell ya one thing about dark humor: There IS a line. The bit in RoboCop, for example, where the executive gets shot full of led from a malfunctioning robot and just keeps on going is hilarious for it, going into over the top territory. Now, replace that with an old lady or a kid, and it's no longer funny. Hell, expanding on that, that's why the death of the kid bad guy in RoboCop 2 was treated as a tragedy. Yeah, an evil mafia third-grader is ridiculous and does get some laughs, but a dead kid usually doesn't. So, now we're asked to laugh at the idea that Kellogg's is using a Nazi to make a kids' product.

And before anybody harps on me, I get the joke. NASA used ex-Nazis in their applied sciences and such, so it makes sense for the PARODY of the race to the moon to do the same thing...but then you have to think of the words “Nazi used to make kids' snack.”

Just because you can use a gag doesn't mean you should, and in this case, you REALLY shouldn't.

And case in point, after the press conference is over, Edsel wants to talk about how all of this might piss off the milk mafia! No, not the mafia that owns the milk company, the milk company BEING the mafia. Yeah, according to this movie, it turns out farmers just milked cows for fun and, as part of the “Fun,” would get a kick out of tossing the “White creamy stuff on women.”

RATED PG-13, YOU SAY!?

Did I also mention that this was supposed to be Seinfeld's response to “Boys/Men/Boomers not having their own Barbie?” Except...THEY DID, IT WAS CALLED BARBIE, AND BIG, AND 17 AGAIN (Twice! There was not just the Zac Effron/Mathew Perry one, but a Keannu Reeves/Robert Urich version decades before called Young Again)! Recall one of the problems I said with a spite movie, namely the focus isn't on the humor, it's how to one up a movie you didn't like. It's one thing if it was a horror movie or a drama, that's easy to rip to shreds and funny by accident. When it's a parody, something that's supposed to be funny by default, the jokes get lost as the focus isn't being funny, it's being “FUNNIER THAN,” something that curses spite parodies.

When the comedy focus is just being funny, it flows more naturally, if you happen to be funnier than something else, it comes normally through this. When you're more focused on being better/funnier than what you're spiting, the comedy gets lost as the focus isn't how you'll do the joke or the joke itself, but how the joke will top what came before and the focus isn't in a good way. Something that will be continued driven home as we get MORE of the kind of jokes that Seinfeld says should go into an adult/man's/boomer's version of Barbie.

Which, I remind you, WE ALREADY GOT!

We then go to everybody setting up their respective stations when Ravenscroft and his theater group pops in saying they rented the room for Ravenscroft's version of a classic play. Doesn't matter what the play is, I won't bother to look it up, because the main joke in this thing is Ravenscroft has an ego the size of Mars and actually hates/resents being Tony The Tiger. Boy, if I ever get an estate to handle my legal issues, I hope I don't have people THIS relaxed. I wonder if they're the same people that gave the ok for Diana's musical. Not only are they saying he was an egotistical asshole that only took the job to give cereal “More class,” but he, in reality, actually LOVED playing Tony The Tiger. He even kept playing the role until he died. I know this is a parody but that only goes so far in some areas, why do you think the creator of the Pop Tarts is Bob, the head of Kellogg's is Edsel, and Post is played by, and written to be, a woman several decades younger.

Shortly after this, Post calls a meeting of the cereal families and we see some more of the uneven writing, as once again we see Quaker Oats is owned by a Quaker...but General Mills is owned by...some random dude. No hints he's a general, not even a gag involving him taking command, just some rando business dude. Ya know, if this was from the POV of a kid, I have to question just how much of reality he gets if in his mind, Tony the Tiger and General Mills are normal people, but Snap, Crackle, and Pop and Quaker are taken to the other extreme. Post says they're ready with their pastry and it'll be out there ASAP, causing Bob to tell the team to hurry up!

Eventually, everybody works on something that...isn't breakfast related. Schwinn on a bike because, obvious. LaLane on silver pants to keep is “LaLane” in because the computer made a free balling joke earlier in the movie. Carvel on cakes because, obvious. And eventually, we get to Boyardee and Bruht who make a square pastery...that's living due to how Bruht makes sea monkeys.

On it's own, that last one hurts, but by God, will it hurt even worse later. I'll save a few paragraphs and say yes, this becomes a running bit as the creature gets older and Bruht and Boyardee try to find it. You'll thank me for not being detailed.

Bob tosses everything away when the computer says Post'll win, which is when he encounters the kids trying to find more addictive stuff in garbage bins, this time at Kellogg's and even inspiring the creation of the Rice Krispy Treat.

...the more I sum up this movie, I'm starting to wonder if we mistook “Seinfeld is unfunny” for a trope instead of a warning...

This causes the kids to remark how marshmallows and rice krispies combine two things into one, causing Bob and Stan to combine everybody's ideas into one in a really round about way that I won't summon here on the grounds that I don't wanna be sued for brain damage. During all of this, everybody realizes they need one key thing to make everything work: Lots and lots of sugar. And since sugar is white and powdery, yes, Seinfeld's script goes right to the cocaine joke as they fly down to South America to deal with the guy who supplies the stuff.

Am I gonna mention the guy, the scene, the credits on who's in it? Nope. All the movie has to do is say “They got the white powder,” but instead the we get an unfunny bit where we see the guy who controls it is nuts and kills a ventriloquist over his floor...well, more his dummy. Thank you, *BLEEP* you, NEXT!

Well, after Kellogg's gets the sugar, this alarms the milk mafia to the point where they call forth their finest Christian Slater cameo to remind him milk is good for repairing bones that MYSTERIOUSLY breaks. While he dismisses that, Post heads over to the USSR, where Khrushchev (Dean Norris...speaking Russian gibberish because...reasons...) exchanges the sugar for Post (Or her assistant) giving him a roll in ze hay. Yes, this is supposed to be Jerry Seinfeld's attempt to apply the Barbie idea to not only the space race, but the cold war itself.

Yeah, I have a better chance learning history from a game of BOTH Dynasty Warriors and Samurai Warriors, and that franchise has several games that said at one point, a time portal took everybody and put 'em in a pocket reality to live their own lives for several years. Yes, really. And I get parody, I do, and you can make history funny, it's happened...the problem is that this ISN'T funny. Why is Dean Norris speaking fake Russian? Did we have to have a cocaine joke in something that takes place in the 60's? What's the point of the heads of two companies having a Romeo & Juliet story if it goes nowhere!?

If you're wondering why Seinfeld or his writers didn't think these things, remember, this was a spite movie because grown ass men wanted their own Barbie, so the focus on actual comedy took a backseat to “Beat that OTHER movie.”

Time passes and with both sides getting closer to making the pastry, the milk mafia steps in and takes Bob to their factory where their boss (Peter Dinklige, the ONLY person in this movie that's actually funny) gives the spiel that more or less says if Kellogg's doesn't back off, they'll do...something. To prove they'll do...something, they force Bob to run into where they keep the cows as they keep farting. For a movie that's supposed to make boomers laugh at the cold war, half the gags I type up kinda feels like it was made for 3 to 13-year-olds. After this, JFK (Bill Burr) calls everybody to the White House and tells 'em about Post going all commie for the sugar. Thus, it's now America Vs. Russia for a breakfast pastry!

This should be funny! Reducing the cold war to the snack isle should be hilarious! Symbolism for the real world does work in comedy...only that's when IT ACTUALLY HAS SOMETHING FUNNY!

JFK gets the milk mafia to leave them alone...and we get the implications that he's sleeping with the Double Mint Twins at the same time (Because he might have with Marilyn Monroe, ha, ha, ha...no, that's the joke...something I've seen done funnier in a parody of Nodding Hill made to explain Dr. Evil's origin), so it's time for them to use Schwinn to test the toasting ability of the Pop Tarts. This calls for him to be in a space suit, with oxygen, and in a house full of dummies to test this because space race parody. It works, but because we need to have this be a joke about the space race, Schwinn's hose leaks as a smoking dummy dog...

I...I don't know...

...causes the oxygen to explode, killing him instantly. This leads to a funeral where he's burred with “Cereal honors,” which calls for mascots to pop up, cover his coffin in milk, pour in corn flakes, and stir as Snap, Crackle, and Pop fold a bag that says “Free Prize” like the American flag. For those of you saying this isn't funny and what the Hell is going on, don't worry, you're not alone...HIS WIDOW DOES THE SAME DAMN THING!

One of the reasons a parody like Airplane or Robin Hood: Men In Tights work is that everybody acts like it's the norm at worst, takes it seriously at best. You didn't see the villagers in Men In Tights ask what a movie was, you saw them complain that EVERY Robin Hood movie tends to set their homes on fire. You don't see everybody around the jive talking passengers stare in shock when an old lady translates jive for them, they have a WHOLE COVERSATION IN JIVE. And yes, the joke CAN be called out in a parody, but there has to be one universal rule for that to work, and if I haven't been clear on that, the rule is it HAS TO BE FUNNY. If you're gonna go to the extreme like they did with Barbie, put the pedal to the metal and go in that direction!

And reminder: I didn't see Barbie. Barbie is not the first movie of it's type, but I saw a reverse of this “Joke” in the ads when she kept pointing to the thing that said she'd keep her easy life, and the guru kept saying “No, the hard life one.” THAT'S actually funny.

After seeing most of the groups the team pissed off over making the Pop Tarts watch them at the funeral...which...includes the Russians...but...they were dealing with Post...anyway, the trio find out that JFK is about to start the Bay of Pigs over sugar and...some nukes, I dunno. This causes Edsel to try to break peace with Post...only for that to shatter because, hey, we gotta have the running gag of the living food item thing.

After that goes no where (And a Mad Men cameo that REALLY goes nowhere), we see the mascots get fired for protesting the Pop Tarts, the two kids from the trash bin giving them the name Trip Pop or something, I don't care, I just wanna burn through this thing...but I can't because now we have to talk about the one thing that I know will get a certain group angry...

Jerry Seinfeld wants to use his boomer spite movie...to reference January 6th, 2020. Yeah, Jerry Seinfeld decides his movie about the 60's should have a modern reference to Jan. 6. Again, that's not the issue, satire does this all the time, but the execution on stuff like this has to be done with a def touch as it's a very sensitive subject. So, either the historical people and companies involved with this have a better sense of humor than me or this is an Escape From Tomorrow situation where just stopping it would draw MORE attention to it. And with Ravenscroft dressed as the MAGA shamen, I can only take a guess.

And...that's all he really does with this, recreates images that were on the news. The only funny bit is when the ketchup mascot tries to hold on to the fries and they shout they belong together. This is all to stop a dude name Puntz (Fred Armisen) from giving his approval on the Pop Tarts. And if you remove the n from his name, you get the joke. The painfully unfunny joke. After Puntz lives...down, because up means they tried, to the gag, the mascots accept the loss and word gets sent to Walter Cronkite...

...who gets the name wrong because he was too busy tossing Silly Puddy at the script and it smudged the ink, creating the Pop Tarts name they company rolls with. Again, either REALLY better at this “Humor” thing than me, or really didn't wanna draw attention. The snacks get shipped with the new name, the kids buy 'em and leave Post in the dust, Ravenscroft has to answer for what he did because Jan. 6, Boyardee and Bruhat raise the mutant, LaLane and Carvel open their stores next to each other...

...actually, I wonder how many people would go to the gym if an ice cream store were next door...

...the milk mafia are the guys who killed JFK because he tried to stop them (Oh, after this, I'm gonna watch that ep of Red Dwarf to remind myself how to do this as a comedy right), Post goes on to create, and even the movie has to tell you it's not kidding, Mara La Go. Stan goes on to create granola for the hippie movement, and Bob goes on a talk show...where he's shot by Andy Warhol (Dan Levy) because “Pop Tart” is too much like “Pop Art” and if I sound like I'm rushing this it's because...

I AM! I WANT THIS THING TO END! THERE IS ONLY SO MANY TIMES I CAN GO 'NOT FUNNY' BEFORE THE REVIEW GETS AS MENOTINIUS AS THIS MESS!

When Bob says the packet stopped Andy's bullet, the kid asks what's up with it and the creature when Bob confesses this was all to mess with him as the parents pick up the kid...and I'd be fine with that. Oh, it'd be a lousy movie, it'd still be on here, but it would explain so much. The inconsistencies with the mascots vs. actors? A growing mind that's still trying to process what's real and what's not. Post being decades younger and in a romance plot with a guy name Edsel? Kid's imagination going nuts. The living food thing? Kid trying to spice the story up.

But it doesn't. Just before the kid leaves, the mutant food comes out of Bob's pocket to say goodbye, confirming that everything Bob spewed was 100% real.

Spewed...that's...the perfect way to describe this thing.

“Satire” and “Parody” shouldn't be a blanket excuse for everything I typed up. Jokes still have to make sense, gags still have to work, and writing has to be even. Why would you make Quaker Oats ran by an actual Quaker and not have General Mills be a general? Tony the Tiger's fake, but Snap, Crackle, and Pop are real? Also, again, are the estates and still living people this referenced gonna just ignore this to not draw attention or do they have a better funny bone than me, because half of these portrayals, even for parody, are not flattering.

Save for the racist guy that made Silly Puddy, he always was an asshole according to history.

Again, if this all was just in the kid's head, fine. It'd still be unfunny and uneven, but most of it would get a pass because kid's POV...but that ending. That one bit confirming it wasn't just made everything worse. At the end of the day, this was all just one soggy mess.

FINAL VERDICT: For being undercooked, underdone, and an unfunny mess that can't make up it's mind to be a fantasy like Barbie, or real from a kids' perspective, jokes that make me wonder if the estates of those involved either have a better funny bone than me or if we're looking at an Escape From Tomorrow “Don't call attention” situation, this movie gets a SUPER MEGA DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Not the worst movie I've ever seen, but it's pretty dang close. Now, if you'll excuse me, if toy lovers can have a literal Barbie movie, if boomers who love breakfast can have their own Barbie movie, anime fans can to! Now, how do I apply this to Legend of the Overfiend...

B-Movie Bomb's Boomer Bummer Summer: Dragnet (1987, spoilers)

 Ok, so...plans kinda suck when life kinda tells ya put the hobby on the back burner...and you can't get through an uneven parody movie that tries to say the 90's suck and that the 70's were more clean an innocent without knowing the truth and feeling like a railroad spike is going through your skull.

In the before time, I tried to do something called either “The Bummer Of Me,” which was a title spoof of MeTV's “The Summer Of Me,” or Boomer Bummer Summer with the idea that it would take summer (Not the whole summer, just various days) and look at an interesting phenomenon that happened in the 80's and 90's (Dying by the early 2000's), especially the 90's:

The Boomer Box Office.

Yes, believe it or not, back in the days of your parents (Or you if you're one) being kids, THEIR parents' childhood was adapted so Hollywood can squeeze out $5 per ticket and theaters can get a ton of popcorn just so they can recapture for 2 hours what took three or more seasons. Results...

...varied.

Yeah, the general idea going in with most of these things, especially the sitcoms, were that they were gonna be lovab---respec---fun---verb we have yet to list parody. Sometimes, it was hit out of the park, be it The Beverly Hillbillies focusing more on fish out of water than even the TV show, but keeping the family loving and nice, or a A Very Brady Sequel, which actually WAS a loving parody of the original Nick At Nite generation. No, I didn't skip the original movie, the original movie felt like a railroad spike to the skull.

Most of the time, though, was miss. It wasn't just comedies that got the parody treatment, but man did they hurt. You guys saw the two trailers I posted, imagine 2 hours of your boomer parent (Or you if reading) going into a theater to see their childhood, only to spend it finding new ways to say “This isn't funny.” Action and drama got this treatment, too, like Charlie's Angels, where the running bit was “LOOK HOW HOT THESE WOMEN ARE!”

I mean, yeah, the network wasn't shy about that being the reason it was a ratings grabber, but they also showed the women could actually do what most men were doing in the same time spot. And since that's what got people, both boomers AND the next generation into the theaters, guess what was doubled down on? If you said the action, intrigued, and the possible mystery that one of 'em is Charlie's own daughter...

Hi, welcome to Hollywood.

So, I tried to do this with The Brady Bunch Movie...again, spike through skull, so that was a no. I couldn't find a copy of The Beverly Hillbillies, so that was a no go. So I decided something to ease both you and myself in, a movie that was basically for those my age the START of the Boomer Box Office craze, or at least the earliest I can remember, something I actually did enjoy, but had it's own share of problems that can be looked at and talked about.

Kinda puts some of the later ones in perspective if Dragnet is considered one of the easier ones, don't it?

Yeah, it maybe too late to do it as a WHOLE summer thing, but I'm gonna kick it off for later times (Or just go with “The Bummer Of Me” and hope people get the pun outside of summer) with what some might consider one of the better boomer adaptations. It did well at the box office, got praise from both Siskel & Ebert, AND was written by both Dan Aykroyd AND Alan Zweibel, both who worked together during the “Not Ready For Prime Time” era of Saturday Night Live to make it a loving tribute AND parody of the original show.

For those not in the know, Dragnet started as a radio play created by Jack Webb with the idea that it would show how the boys in the LAPD cleaned up the streets. When TVs were popping up, he moved the media to television, complete with a couple of movies that came out for both fans and newcomers, and became one of the landmark cop dramas in history. If you ever heard phrases like “My name's Friday, I carry a badge” or “Just the facts, ma'am,” it came from here (Ok, the facts line was from a parody, but still it's linked to the show). The cops loved it so much, they even backed up and praised it, even having an advisor on set.

Yes, once upon a time, the LAPD was actually trusted and not what it is today. History's weird.

Considering there's multiple versions, including one in the 2000's that stared Ed O'Neil (You laugh, but he does drama just as good as comedy), can an 80's version wor---

...let's just look at it.

So the movie opens with Joe Friday's nephew...Joe Friday (Dan Aykroyd) doing a parody of the “This is the city” narration, showing things like landmarks, churches, punks, and we get the traditional theme song associated with the show. So far, so good. It then goes to a more traditional opening, showing Friday's badge and doing a pretty decent party version of the original theme song with quotes from the original.

Ok, gets a bit obnoxious when it goes into “just the fact---j-j-j-j...” but it's not bad...then we get to the brick joke.

A narrator tells us that this is based on a true story...though not really since this is a parody, but it was in the show, so...anyway, said narrator says names and such have been changed to protect the innocent, saying, for example, “George Baker” is now called “Silvia Wiss.” Pay attention, it comes back later.

We jump to a group of people, lead by a giant of a man named Muzz (Jack O'Halloran) setting fire to a shipment of Playboy knock offs known as “Bait,” complete with telling a security guard to tell his boss that the publisher's out of business...after knocking him out so he won't hear it anyway. Or maybe it comes out “He said...you're...soft...on taxes?” when he wakes up. He then also leaves a card that reads P.A.G.A.N.

And if you think THAT'S subtle, wait until we meet the villain.

We then jump to Friday narrating part of his day, namely that while methods have changed, crime has not as we see a newspaper showing...the image of the knocked out guard still on the cement? Really? NOBODY moved him to the hospital? The EMTs actually told the papers “Ok, guys, 10 more minutes or he'll be brain dead, no flash?”

Capt. Gannon (Harry Morgan) informs Friday that his partner quit and opened up a goat farm, causing Friday to complain that his partner isn't thinking about the people of L.A., thus it's time to get a new partner. Enter Pep Streebeck (Tom Hanks) so fresh from undercover, you can smell the wino from the guy he bunked with in the alley. I'll get this out of the way now, they get the whole “This guy, ugh” out of the way early.

Yeah, in most movies, that's the bulk of the plot, but this gets done within the first act. They still snap at each other, but trust each other a LOT sooner than later.

How do they screw this up?

Well, the main joke is that the original Friday was this stuff shirt narc that would sooner lecture a kid on pot than turn him in...and STILL give the lecture even after turning him in, so what we got here is a self righteous rant on why going slow ON THE L.A. HIGHWAY would actually save gas for the L.A. tax payer. THIS is what goes on for the majority of the movie. I'd say “God help us all,” but you're gonna find out how much of a pun that becomes given the villain.

The first part of the case takes the two to the zoo, where we get a bit of good banter between Friday, who loves the Zoo, and Streebeck, who views it more as a prison. This is one of the best scenes of the movie as it shows Hanks and Aykroyd's chemistry very well, and has one of my favorite jokes in the whole movie.

It's kind of an interesting dynamic, Friday's in what people think of when they think Dragnet, while Streebeck is in a modern cop movie.

Streebeck and Friday get the orders to investigate the guy who's making the porno mags to see why this P.E.G.A.N. group would wanna burn an entire warehouse down (After a joke mistaking them for vibrator repair with Friday having a great delivery), with Friday clearly pissed that the rag, ran by Jerry Caesar (Danby Colby) is able to put such stuff out. Remember, he's a parody of the original show so...yeah, he's the one in the family that really wants the 50's back.

As he gives his statement, including the P.E.G.A.N. manifesto they dropped off, we run into Silvia Wiss...and we have the brick joke that doesn't exactly hold up by today's standards.

See...the implication is they did a gender swap, the whole “Names and faces have been changed” thing...which means Friday is on a hateful tirade...on a gay porno mag...I'm not sure this was on purpose as this was more to have the joke when Wiss (Julia Jennings) was to flash Friday and be subtle on the whole “Frisk me” thing and Friday not getting it...kinda (Again, Friday's reaction is HILARIOUS), but, the rest? Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...

After we see people steal the guys' car because Streebeck left the keys in (And getting a new one), Friday and Streebeck are called to the train station as a ton of chemicals from a tank in the train yard were siphoned out of said tank. Hope it was sophisticated, or that dude with the pipe is having a really good high. We also see a moment where Friday and Streeback see the local televangelist, Rev. Whirley (Christopher Plumer) and he's interviewing the commissioner, Kirkpatrick (Elizabeth Ashley). If you already knew where this was going, you've not only seen it before with other movies, but grew up in the era where these guys grew like weeds.

For those born after or too young to remember, Televangelism was the evolution of hearing church on the radio, only now a wider group with a visual medium could be reach. But for every one that legit tried to save your soul and help people, you had AT LEAST FIVE who wanted your money for coked up yacht party with their mistress (Or cabin boy depending on who got busted). Hell, the movement he's using for a cover is called the Moral Advanced Movement of America.

Yep. MAMA. Oh, and when you hear what P.E.G.A.N. means, you're REALLY gonna miss when it was subtle.

The team then gets called to a motel when the landlady reveals that the Muzz went off with a wedding dress of her's and tossed Muzz's stuff in the trash, including possible evidence, due to him being a tenant behind on rent...also, the dress thing. They catch up to the garbage truck with it and find a photo with a number, revealing Muzz is actually Jerry's driver and is at the docs, waiting for his boss to get off his personal yacht.

They find him, and Buzz high tails it (After running over Friday's foot) and Friday and Streebeck argue over calling backup or not...while Muzz is driving on the parts of the docks people use to walk. Our heroes, everybody! Eventually, they all crash into a lifeguard tower on a nearby beach...and this is enough to actually make Friday and Streebeck get the whole “Hate you thing” gone.

See? All you need to do to break in the new partner is to help nearly cause mass accidents and hit and runs, it's a good icebreaker.

However, there's also a bit of a hint that this version of Friday is not that innocent, as when Friday heads out to get Streebeck some coffee, he hears Muzz in pain...moments after a scene that implies Streebeck smashed his junk with a desk drawer. Remember, the LAPD was happy with how the original show represented them. Streebeck manages to get SOME things out of Muzz, but he refuses when Joe comes back to say anything else...until the implication that when he goes out for snacks, it's the drawer again.

I've looked on Wikipedia and TV Tropes, I can only find that the cops backed the TV show, even giving Friday a real badge and retiring the number, 714, when Webb died. The main reason cops backed the original show is that it made 'em look good, even in moments that would've resulted in things like a police chase or dealing with a bad cop (Mainly because bad cops got punished). Here, our heroes are bickering, violate the whole “Get back up” because one of 'em wanted the collar, condescending to the people he's supposed to protect, AND implies that beyond that, he's BETTER than the people he's supposed to protect.

I get that the people who worked on this thing were fans of the show, especially Aykroyd, but I suspect there's a reason I can't find anything about police supervising this thing beyond “Universal paid enough money for permission.”

Friday and Streebeck go to get some undercover gear once they get more info to make 'em look like punks...namely Friday looks like a giant chicken with more flair than a 90's TGI Fridays, and Streebeck looks like he just stepped out of a drama where the son of the Italian family wants to be a dancer and mama is ashamed.

Their original plan was to go to where Muzz said the ceremony was gonna be and it looks like their cover was gonna be blown by the highway patrol...until the two fake cops fall for the disguises and our heroes confirm that the car said fake cops were driving is on the list of stolen cars. What? Alter or hide the numbers on the car so nobody can trace it back? Nuts to that, we got a party written by people who think this is how punks party to go to!

It all leads up to the reveal of P.E.G.A.N means. People Against Goodness And Normalcy. Get it? I'm sure it was because Being Against Decency Growing Up YuppieS would've been too subtle.

Hey, if they're not gonna try, why should I?

It's eventually revealed by their leader that this was all to offer up a virgin sacrifice, The Virgin Connie Swail (Alexandrea Paul), along with all the stuff that's been stolen from the zoo and the dress Muzz stole. We already know who the villain is thanks to both time and...well, by this...uh...time, televangelists were fair game, so I don't think I'm spoiling when I say...dear God, it's obvious that Plumer had fun with this!

Friday and Streebeck dive in only to find the sacrifice was made to feed the giant snake that was taken from the zoo. And...yeah, this is where I think the budget had to go hold it as it's kind obvious that Hanks, Aykryod, and Paul had to pull a “Look like the starship bridge is shaking” as they actually have to move THEMSELVES to make it look like the snake is attacking. Guess all the money had to go to them Fords...despite the fact that they probably had to keep 'em moving even more than the snake.

*RIMSHOT*

Streebeck's solution? Get the drugs he took from some P.E.G.A.N. earlier and OD'd the thing. They all get out, only to be blocked by a bunch of P.E.G.A.N.s...until Streebeck starts shooting into the air, scaring everybody. This is when, of course, thanks to Swail knocking off the mask, it's revealed that Whirly is the leader before he runs away. They get out, even retaking their original car, with hints that Swail is falling for Friday...much to Streebeck's (And the audience's) amazement. They drop her off at home...mainly because if they take her right to the station, we can't get the following without a huge plot hole.

Well...a bigger one than “Leave victim with no protection, she'll be fine,” anyway.

Namely, they wake up Capt. Gannon and tell him what happened...but because the plot said they had to get rid of The Virgin Connie Swail so Gannon wouldn't believe their story since she's a witness AND the victim...Captain Gannon doesn't believe their story because they showed up without The Virgin Connie Swail, a witness AND the victim. They get Kirkpatrick...but see that they were to able SOMEHOW clear out stuff in a manner of hours that should've taken at least two days to do it.

Unless stuff like the Jumbo-tron and the Time Square TV screen were made of Legos, then never mind.

Because of this, Friday and Streeback were kicked off the case, complete with Gannon reaming Friday for everything that's happened, even saying Joe would NOT approve.

Well, Joe didn't really say “Just the facts, ma'am,” so....

No, seriously, that was done in a parody that SOMEHOW got merged with the actual franchise.

So, you would think the P.E.G.A.N. group would leave well enough alone with Friday and Streebeck off the case...except Muzz decided to blow up the car, thus putting them back ON THE CASE! The only other time I'd see somebody over complicate their job this bad is when The Final Destination says Death Home Alones the job on purpose. Streebeck tells Friday that the chemicals taken is linked to a lab his old team in narcotics was trying to bust, thus Friday goes to meet him there...only to be mugged by three hoodlums...only for them to get their ass kicked BY Friday.

Don't mess with the Christian Science Reading Room, man!

Well, turns out Streebeck was late because somebody had to get the LAPD BATTERING RAM TANK to break in and knock everything over...only to find it's all milk. And...yeah, let's be honest, can't make a joke here considering what most modern police have these days. Though, I admit, having “Have a Nice Day” on the ram part is still funny.

After the two leave, they miss that the milk company actually WAS a front for a chemical plant, but better than hiding it. On the way back, Streebeck watches via his watch TV (Which actually WAS a real product around the time), namely the commissioner and Whirly are trying to push the current mayor out,..and that the comish has a crush on the reverend. It's hear that it's revealed that Jerry has decided to actually donate to MAMA's charity and they accept. Hey, if Oral Roberts can say a dog track can donate...after saying God'll break his thumbs...

Streebeck wants to know more about Friday, but Friday tells him to blow off...so Streebeck takes his bike to follow him to a perfectly normal house...that he thinks is the Freddy Kruger house...

I know Tom Hanks did comedy once...just where is it?

Only to reveal it's the home of Friday's grandma (Lenka Peterson) and...Friday is back to hating Streebeck as Friday's grandma invites them to their outing, ignoring the obvious “I don't want you here” looks Friday gives Streebeck.

Talking down to the people you were sworn to protect, both you and the suspect putting people at risk in a car chase, having the boss not believe you despite the fact you have a witness/victim that you don't ask, destroying a business on the word of somebody who wanted a $20 with a battering ram the department spent tax payer money on, a partner that doesn't get “Off the clock, personal space,” I bet the LAPD LOVED how the 1987 version of a classic portrayed 'em just like they did with the original! I'm sure there's a whole 'nother reason I can't find anything that says cops supported or had anybody supervising on set! Surely!

Well, just as Friday relaxes and let's the party be a party, the commissioner and Whirly show up and The Virgin Connie Swail recognizes him from when she yoinked off his P.A.G.A.N. mask. Friday, actually doing his job, goes to arrest him on the grounds that The Virgin Connie Swail will identify him in a court of law. Streebeck, also being a cop due to Whirly's standing in the city (And with the commissioner) warns Friday you just can't go and do that in a public place...so Friday goes to arrest the guy in a public place...uh, after the guy uses the rest room and Friday makes a big speech out of it, of course.

Ah, but he doesn't let the reverend wash his hands, take THAT criminals!

Well, it turns out not only was the padre out with the commissioner, but Gannon as well and they just spotted Friday yoinking the guy off in cuffs. This causes Friday to get fired by the commissioner while Gannon...

And I need to remind you guys, the victim/witness, The Virgin Connie Swail is right there for him to ask thus putting both the commissioner AND Whirly on the spot.

...just let's it happen. Boy, I can't wait to see what LAPD higher ups in 1987 praised what a good job they did representing the boss! The priest and commissioner drive off, and you would think this would be a good time for Gannon to talk to The Virgin Connie Swail to confirm the story of not only one of the best detectives in his precinct, but the nephew of his long time trusted partner that was inspired by said partner.

NOPE! Turn in badge, gun, and ream him for doing his job! God, I really can't wait to find the glowing praise the LAPD had for this thing!

Date not completely ruined, while Streebeck takes grandma for chilly dogs, Friday takes The Virgin Connie Swail up to the Hollywood sign for shenanigans....

Considering this is a parody of Joe Friday, my guess is his position is The Plank.

...when Muzz shows up and flips the Yugo upside down. With Friday literally out of the picture for this bit, the narration gets taken over by Streebek. Concluding that Friday wouldn't spring for a No-tel Motel and having sex in a Yugo is impossible...

Ok, that's funny.

...he goes to Gannon with his concerns...and Gannon doesn't care. Yes, the nephew of your best partner and late best friend is missing AND a former detective...and you can care less! Man, I REALLY bet the LAPD loved how this treated 'em like they did the original! We then see Jerry and Whirly meet, confirming they're in this for the money; namely after they force the current mayor out and put the commissioner in, they'll split control between the horn dogs (Jerry) and those that wanna fund the new mans---I mean “Crusade” (Whirly).

Considering real life televangelists did things from implying God'll break their thumbs (Then taking money from the dog track) to doing blow on the back of their secretaries/pool boys/mistresses off their boats...yeah, this guy's kinda tame.

Oop, take that back, just confirmed with the commissioner he's gonna kill him. Ok, he made that one extra step.

Back in the LAPD offices, Streebeck figures out Muzz's picture from earlier is from Muscle Beach as he goes to it and catches him weight lifting...while pointing a gun at Muzz's face while Muzz is lifting said weights to ask about Friday.

And now pointing guns at unarmed men out in public in front of witnesses, surely the cops REALLY LOVED THIS MOVIE.

Apparently, it takes the entire day to go from Muscle Beach to Griffith Observatory, as it's suddenly the middle of the night and Whirly pops up to Friday and Connie, who are tied up to gloat. Wait, isn't that a tourist area? What happened? Was there a tour that popped up and said “And to your right, hostages of the local televangelists?”

Whirly takes The Virgin Connie Swail and leaves Friday to die just as soon as Streebeck pulls in. He frees Friday and they go to Caesar's palace...

Ha, ha, ha.

..only for Streebeck to try to calm him down, reminding Friday that he's not a cop anymore and to just call him Pep since they're buddies. He sneaks in (While Friday fumes) and sees the P.A.G.A.N.s have the gas they stole hooked up and ready to go, so he knocks out the guy in the communications truck and calls Gannon who looks like he's about to blow a gas---

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND we jump back to the mansion! Yeah...if you were waiting for a pay off to the whole driving him nuts thing...I guess it got cut...

Muzz and the other goons (With Pep in disguise) return the magazines they stole earlier and Whirly, leaving for his private jet, helps gets the fire started as said magazines were covered in gasoline. Thankfully, the cops show up a minute later and starts a shoot out that has them on even footing...until the battering ram tank shows up and knocks down the gates! The bad guys' solution...shoot the heavily armored tank with the battering ram.

*SMASH*

Yeah, if that didn't work on Godzilla...

The tank drives over the burning books, knocks out the thugs, and reveals none other than an armed Joe Friday behind the wheel! Now the LAPD is letting civilians pilot their heaviest toys, love that representation! Friday rescuse Streebeck from Muzz, even calling him Pep, with Gannon saying the two did a great job with this raid...where a CIVILIAN HAD THE TANK! Oh, and Pep raps the Miranda Rights to Muzz.

Eh, not gonna be the last time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbQqHpQyngw

If you ever said to yourself Joe Vs. The Volcano should've been a rap battle, I'm glad I put that idea to rest.

But before Friday and Pep can get The Virgin Connie Swail from Whirly, Gannon gives Friday his badge back saying he didn't have the heart to turn it in. I guess retcons work for the law now, huh? Because the whole “Being in love” thing is both new AND giving Friday a rush, he recklessly drives down the road to try to race to the airport before Whirly can get away! Hey, the LAPD should at least be happy with this! After all, he left the siren on!

Meanwhile, the commissioner wins the idiot of the movie award as she tries to convince Whirly to let the Virgin Connie Swail go...only to have the Reverend himself disbelieving she's a dumb ass as he shuts the door to the plane and takes off with Swail inside. So, yeah, all that driving Friday did was pointless as the plane takes off and it appears Whirly wins...

...until later that morning, when Friday shows up in the AUTHORIZED BUT DOES NOT REALLY EXIST BECAUSE THE LEGAL NIGHTMARES LAPD TALON! Yeah, either LA is way bigger than anybody thought, boarders are VERY generous when it comes to other states' cops, districts are just arbitrary, or this was just here for gags. Either way, since a private jet is armed with jack and squat, Whirly lands and Friday gets the girl

We then, like the show, hear the fate of Whirly: He is to serve 43 consecutive 99 year sentences.

Meaning he'll be up to be out in 7.

Boy, I'm sure the legal system loved being just as represented as the LAPD did!

The movie ends with Pep and Friday back on the beat and the pay off to the whole Virgi---well, watch.

Yeah, there's a reason I joined in with repeating the gag, that punchline is still funny. Just...I wish the rest of this movie was just as.

Ok, let's get this out of the way: Yes, this was done in a loving way to the original franchise. Everybody who worked on this thing loved the original show and the man behind it, Jack Webb, and this was all done in good jest. I've seen movies where the parody was a middle finger to the original property or pulled a “Look, we think it's stupid too, but still love it” uneven writing and this doesn't have that problem.

The writing of the movie itself on the other hand...

It makes sense if Friday was the parody of what came before and Streebeck was the parody of where the cop genre was heading at the time. When you factor in characters like Riggs in Lethal Weapon, Streebeck being the parody of a modern cop movie character makes sense while Friday's parody of the originator does to. The problem, if you can't tell from the jabs I'm taking in that I couldn't find one thing that said the cops love this, is that this makes for watching bad cops...under the Dragnet banner.

If either of these to did anything, at least at the time, like they did here in real life, their badges would've been forfeit long ago. Talking down to civilians, public destruction, POINTING A GUN AT AN UNARMED MAN YOU HAVE YET TO CHARGE OR SEE IF HE IS DOING SOMETHING ILLEGAL IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, and so on. The original Dragnet was made to counter this so, parody or not, seeing cops doing everything from risking lives to torture under the name doesn't exactly make for compelling viewing.

Then there's the gags themselves. A few of them were funny, but most of them fell flatter than Friday's delivery. Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd were considered to be the top of their games in the comedy department around this time, but...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbQqHpQyngw

...yeah...

Maybe if this was just a straight up 50's parody or a straight up modern version of Dragnet, it would've worked. Hanks would a decade or so later break out into the drama department, Aykroyd would also a few years later, it probably could've worked. But...yeah, take it or leave it. While this was done with a little bit of love in their hearts, the execution was an arrestable offense.

FINAL VERDICT: For humor that falls flat, stuff I'm “SURE” the cops are proud to have here in a franchise they once sponsored, heroes that are anything but half the time, but bonus points for it being a loving tribute and having a couple of gags, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Fun to rift with, not to eat.

Now if you'll excuse me, this generation of P.E.G.A.N.s hired me through Instacart, so I gotta fill out this list. Ok, that's milk, eggs, 40 pounds of meat, and....HEY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE I CAN GET A RABBID GOAT, A BLUE TUX, AND 63 POUNDS OF... (Double checks list) MIAK? I didn't think it was even in this season.