UPDATE: Due to it being harder than I thought to get the Beverly Hillbillies movie, I'm going to postpone it and start with The Brady Bunch Movie. I know I keep doing this, but life, availability, and in some cases the comedy would be too forced (The Birds 2: Lands End pops in my mind), so I have to roll with the punches. I wanna start this thing while it's still summer and make it an annual thing and if I have to readjust, then I have to readjust. Sorry in advance, I'll try to have it for this year. If not, I'll aim for next.
Also, yes, I was originally gonna call this the "Bummer of ME" as a spoof of MeTV's "Summer of ME" event, but I don't know how many people watch MeTV. Let me know if the joke can still work.
So...there's a reason I picked this one
and not Netflix's Texas Chainsaw Massacre sequel
boot, namely it's...a movie.
Yeah,
that's the nicest AND meanest thing I can say about the new
one...it's...there. Half my friends said it was one of the worst
horror movies they ever saw, half said it was the most fun they had
with a TCM sequel, but
to me it's like the mountain was for Mohammad: It was there. Thus,
it lead to the same situation with The Birds 2: Lands End,
namely another movie that I HAVE
to review. Only difference is it's done more out of apathy and less
“Ugh, do I have to.”
However,
like a “Do I have to” movie, a movie where the attitude is “Meh”
doesn't exactly result in creative writing. You can get more mileage
out of saying a bad comedy like Our Family Wedding isn't
funny vs. a movie where you're either indifferent or bored out of
your skull. But, if I'm gonna review a Texas Chainsaw
Massacre sequel, I wanna review
one that's actually special to me as it was the one that got me into
the franchise in the first place. Yep, I'm reviewing the one that
introduced me to Leatherface.
Too
bad that was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next
Generation.
Yep, the one that got me into the franchise was the one that pushed
Leatherface farther into showing his feminine side on the grounds of
this...
Ok, ok, that's only part of the reason. The movie was written and
directed by the original movie's co-writer, Kim Henkel and his idea
was that, because Leatherface had no identity of his own, he took the
persona of whoever's skin he was wearing. That's fine and
good...except the original movie wrote him with the idea that,
because of no identity, Leatherface took the role of who he THOUGHT
would fit whatever job he had to do/skin he had to wear. That's the
reason that when he's slaughtering people for food, he's in the skin
of a male butcher, but when he's cleaning house and bringing out
food, he has a woman's skin for maid work.
In away, that's more scary as he doesn't even have a baseline for his
own identity thanks to how his family raised him. Throw in some
moments where he's scared of his own family, and you have a somewhat
sympathetic villain that has remained an icon for decades. However,
there's one other factor...namely the first movie was lightning in a
bottle.
Conditions were PERFECT for the original movie: A low to near no
budget, one of the hottest summers on record for the entire state of
Texas, filming conditions so bad that one of the cast members, who
served in Vietnam, said it was worse than when he served in Vietnam,
and everything coming together resulting in every look of grim, dirt,
sweat, blood, and tears coming together naturally...because they did
come together naturally. Not even kidding, filming got so frustrated
that Gunnar Hansen, the original Leatherface, got mad that he
actually cut the finger of Marlyn Burns on a prop. Even the
clothing's grime was natural because that's all they had to wear on
set during, as I said before, one of the hottest heatwaves on record.
While I think most cast members would be thankful for what I'm about
to say...and I wouldn't blame them...you can never catch a situation
like that for a horror movie ever again. It's like horror movies set
in New York now Vs. horror movies set in New York under Ed Kotch,
there's an amount of grime and atmosphere that ads more missing.
But, Tobe Hooper would try again thanks to Cannon Films. Hooper was
signed for a three picture deal under the following rule: Make the
two you wanna make, give us Texas Chainsaw Massacare 2. The
end result compared to the original was...
...uh...more Gremlins 2 than Gremlins, let's just say.
Then came Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3, where by all
accounts (Haven't seen it), the trailer was more memorable than the
movie...
...for obvious reasons. And that leads us to here, The Next
Generation, the last sequel in the original timeline before
Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes started their reboot series, then came
the sequel boot to the original series, then it's sequel, then the
current sequel boot to the original on Netflix. Oh, and yes, this is
the one where the OTHER infamous thing about this is that it started
Mathew McConengheh and Rene Zellwegger...and their agent at the time
tried to get this stopped because it was thought to be embarrassing.
So...the agent was ok with one in this...
And the other in this...
...but Leatherface in drag was too much. Why, yes, I found this on
the air when HBO catered to the insane insomniac, why?
So, the movie opens with text and narration like the original, with
the narrator saying that while the events of 1973 happened...
...kinda...more on that later...
...the events of TCM 2 and Leatherface: TCM 3 were just
“Two minor, yet apparently related incidents.” So, yes, unlike
the new one, the other two movies kinda sorta maybe 100% probably
uncertainly definitely not somewhat happened. Glad we cleared that
up. After the credits that mention the two actors that wish this
wasn't on their resume, and a title card change thanks to marketing
(Originally, this was called The Return of the Texas Chainsaw
Massacre until it bombed at the box office), we jump to a
teenager, Jenny (Renee Zellweger), putting on make up and getting her
prom dress on while we hear a family dispute in the background.
Yeah...I'll touch on that later...and yeah...it's gonna hurt...
We don't have time to explore 100% what's going on, we want you to
feel like you're watching a TCM movie, so we jump right into
the shots for prom just so we can have the flashbulb sound effect for
pander---I mean “a homage.” We then jump to prom where we see
things like a guy peeing in the parking lot, a drunk teacher
welcoming kids and saying he hates them, and a teacher trying to be
also the local gossip...for high school couples complete with a
classmate of somebody freaking out over it.
Between this and the Netflix movie, I'm starting to wonder if the
people who work on one of these movies are just mad at teenagers and
this is stress relief.
It turns out Heather (Lisa Marie Newmyer) is looking for her
boyfriend, even asking Jenny and her boyfriend, Sean (John Harrison)
if they saw him. Sure enough, she finds her boyfriend, Barry (Tyler
Cone) making out with somebody not her. So, her reasonable solution?
Steal a car that's not her's! Yes, possession is 9/10th's of the
law, but he broke her heart! He manages to get in and tries to
bullshit that if guys don't make out, they get cancer...only to get
called out on it by Jenny and Sean, who were making out in the
backseat when Heather decided to start her life of crime!
They had to say something, do you not know how important make out
time is!? Crime is seriously killing the mood!
Of course, this leads to our braindonors to get lost...complete with
Heather saying it'd be awesome if they all died and somebody wrote a
song about it...
Ok, for the record, if somebody writes a country song about me, I'll
not only haunt you for eternity, but rig your bank account to invest
in NFTs.
...leading to them taking a detour and crashing into some rando who
came out in the fog. But don't worry, he's fi---
*THUD*
...he is currently a heap of meat bag KO'd on the road. This causes
our brain trust to come to the conclusion that one of 'em, Sean,
staying behind to keep an eye on the meat bag while the rest go and
find help, a plan that can't possibli go wrong. After an ADR asks if
anybody's gonna come with Jenny, Barry and Heather get a flashlight
and follow and find an insurance office owned by a woman named Darla
(Tonie Perensky), who acts like a moth in headlights when she sees
the teens in their prom get up.
I guess prom night means insurance rates...?
She calls for a tow from somebody she knows, Vilmer, and then makes a
note on how nice and firm her fake boobs are.
...what!? The movie said it, not me!
Yes, because you always think of things like breast implants when you
think TCM, right? Yeah, thanks, but no thanks, I'll save it
for when I complain about the Rob Zombie horror movie. Though she's
right about them not being bad, though...
How do I know this? She flashes rowdy neighbors driving by in front
of the kids. That'll show 'em!
We jump back to the scene and see Vilmer (Matthew McConaughey at his
most pre-fame McConaughey) pull up in his Illuminati Wrecking
truck...
That twitch in the back of your neck reading that followed by the
urge of hitting your head on something? Normal reaction.
...as he goes to the crash victim and says the boy's dead. Well,
considering I can't even find a Wikipedia spot for his character,
maybe his career is, but he---
*CRACK*
NOW he's dead as Vilmer snaps his neck and starts to play around with
his next pray, Sean. He even stops to shoot the breeze with the guy
as Sean asks what he can do to stop this. One with an IQ above “Cow
tipping should be an Olympic sport” would think to run into an area
of the woods that's nothing but trees...but Sean has an IQ that says
he thinks cow tipping should be an Olympic sport, as he winds up
behind the truck and thus gets crushed by Vilmer.
I'd say he went into the light...except his IMDB page says it was
Guiding Light, soooooooooo...
After Heather and Barry get separated from Jenny, Heather goes back
on the whole “What if we die” thing...boy, first time I see a
90's goth in pink...and both Barry and Heather talk about how it's
perfectly ok to live life by the Pina Colada song where you just grin
and bare it...complete with implications of Jenny's new dad liking
his new daughter's body....
*SIGH*
You know what all the original needed to build up the tension? The
mystery of the grandfather's grave and the characters natural
reactions to the long drive in the summer heat. It made them people,
it made us worry about them, it made us root for the final girl at
the end. Here? We have idiots and have to think about child
molestation...and yes, that's gonna be a factor into something later
that it really really REALLY shouldn't.
The two eventually stumble into the Sawye---
Yeah, I'm gonna one-two-skip a few with this because of how stupid it
is...and why I made the remark that the other two movies kinda sorta
maybe ok 100% probably didn't definitely really happened...
In this movie, Leatherface's family are no longer the Sawyer
family...they're the SLAUGHTER family.
Yes, this is supposed to be the same family from the original movie,
despite the name change and few other things that'll pop up. I don't
know why the Slaughter change, but this is one of the many reasons
fans, myself included, prefer to think The Next Generation happens
in an alternate universe, hence why I said the disclaimer at the
start said the other movies “Kinda sorta didn't 100% definitely
happened.”
On top of the title being originally The Return of the Texas
Chainsaw Massacre, that is.
While Barry stumbles on to some dude with a shotgun, W.E. Slaughter
(Joe Stevens), we finally see Leatherface (Robert Jacks)
and...yeah...he looks like one of those Mankind costumes Party City
asylumed to avoid copyright but look close enough to be one...with
good reason as this won't be his main one. More on that later.
After Leatherface...who this movie will call Leather...yeah, all I
can think of is because it hip for the kids...
Hey, my generation came from the era where everything was Turbo,
Super, Max, or EXTREAM, brains weren't our strong points.
...Barry outsmarts W.E. and locks him outside of the house while
Barry searches for Heather...until he finds a bathroom as we have the
pee scene. Truly, this makes the movie. He then sees a dead body in
the tub, runs, only to find Leather and a blow to the skull. After
that, Leather celebrates by putting Heather on a meathook.
It's the simple things, really.
We go back to Jenny and see Vilmer caught up with her and forces her
into the tow truck when she keeps asking where her boyfriend is.
This leads to him talking about riding with strangers and...yeah,
basically, if you saw the “I'm the big bad wolf” scene in Cape
Fear, half the creep factor and up the ham. Eventually, he
forces her to look behind his window and sees on the tow truck hook
both the bodies of the driver and her boyfriend, dangling.
Insert joke about Repo: The Genetic Opera here.
She actually shows she's smart enough to run into the woods...only
not to be THAT smart, as Jenny runs in the open part for awhile until
she figures out to run in the part with all the trees so the truck
doesn't go through, causing Vilmer to drive away since...well...giant
ass tow trucks don't do that well in the woods. However, it turns
out Leatherface learned SOMETHING from his time at New Line as he
teleports like Jason Vorhees right into the woods and starts going
nuts with the chainsaw. Naturally, this causes her to run into the
Slaughter house...
Yes. That hurt to type.
...as she tries to get away. Of course, she fails (Otherwise, it'd
be a short movie...damn it...) and winds up in the greenhouse on the
property...and the chase to start all over again.
Forget calling The Bugs Bunny Road Runner Movie originally The
Chase Movie, it'd fit this.
She winds up running back to the office where Darla tries to comfort
her...only for W.E. to pop up and reveal that she is with the
Slaughter family. Jenny resists, of course, leading W.E. to get out
the cattle prod from...nowhere.
Knowing this family, 3 guesses.
And zaps her...then beats her with it...
Chop Top picking at the metal plate this ain't.
...and stuffs her in the trunk while Darla tells him to tell the
family she's gonna get pizzas for everybody while Jenny is in the
trunk. Hey, the family just murdered some teenagers, you can get
hungry doing that. She manages to cause some form of trouble in time
for the cops to show up as they're at the drive thru...but because
one of the cops is a dude, he falls for it and she drives off.
Remember, all it takes to cover up your would be murder is a great
pair of legs.
She gets halfway to the Slaughter house...
UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
...when she sees...Heather in the middle of the road!? How!?
Leatherface hunt her by a meat hook! She doesn't even have a hole in
her back! I know this was only $600,000, but I've seen better done
for less!
Seriously, the original Night of the Living Dead was $125,000!
Darla drives back to the house and tells W.E. that Heather
is...somehow...still on the road as Leatherface, scared of his
family, brings Jenny in. Ok, they got that part right, Leather being
afraid of his family. It's one of the reasons he's viewed as a
tragic villain, there's hints in most of the franchise that his
family abuses him just as much as their victims, but at the same time
he loves them and tries to protect them, the inner conflict is what
drives his insanity.
That said, yes, they tried to do something different with the Netflix
TCM and, while he is sympathetic in some spots, killing out of
revenge for somebody who actually loves him makes him more like Jason
Vorhees than Leatherface. And, yeah, they also tried something
different with the Dunes TCM, making him as evil as the rest
of his family and that was a BIG stumble. Being torn between fear
and love for his family made Leatherface unpredictable, you never
knew when or how he was going to strike/act so you, no matter how
many times you see one of the movies, were still afraid of what he'd
do next. Making him evil makes him too generic.
Then there's the route 3D took, anti-hero. Leatherface and
hero, even in anti-hero form, do NOT go together. Yes, technically
it's because the bad guys in the movie were the ones going after the
main character, his cousin, but keep in mind it's one of those
sequel-boots that took place right after the first movie, so you
gotta root for the guy who killed a bunch of innocent kids because
his family said so...only because the sequel-boots's bad guys went
after the movie's heroine, who's his cousin.
Is it any wonder many in the horror world think the original and the
second movie are the only ones to get him right? I'd say something
about both because Tobe Hooper worked on 'em...except this movie has
one of the original's co-writers/co-creators at the helm,
so...again...lightning in a bottle.
After around of torturing both Heather and Jenny doesn't work in the
family's favor, Darla tries to comfort Jenny, complete with...Jenny
asking Darla for help...I'd say it's one of the movie's stupider
moments, desperate or not...but then the stupidest part of the movie
drops.
No, no, not Leatherface in drag, that doesn't happen yet...the reveal
from Darla that the Illuminati have been behind everything since the
original TCM. And I'm gonna one-two-skip-a-few again because
it's later revealed to be 100% true. Yes, the Illuminati are behind
everything, at least this universe's version of it, in the entire
franchise.
Ok, so...haunted civil war fields in Gettysburg...so many Japanese
urban legends tied to horror that you can make 2 or 3 movies out of
each one...stories involving damned souls still haunting the Tower of
London...scaring teenagers in a Podunk redneck white trash that ever
white trashed part of Texas...
Sure, why not? Same league!
Jenny matches to snatch the shotgun from the family and threatens to
shoot 'em if they tried something...causing Vilmer to...slice his
chest in response...ok, so important safety tip, don't threaten the
psycho. Well, it turns out the actual reason for the confidence is
that he planted the gun close enough to give Jenny confidence to do
something to make the insane game more...uh...insane.
More abuse supplied by Vilmer to the family members...
The fact that this looks like stuff you'd find on YouTube's Am I
The Jerk or any Reddit forum about insane relatives should tell
ya how well this aged.
...until Jenny, after seeing the gun wasn't indeed loaded, finds and
out and jacks a car...then crashes into a tree on the property after
the hood popped open. And now we come to the most infamous moment of
the entire movie...Leatherface's crossdressing.
Ok, let's get this out of the way...yes, the original movie had
Leatherface dress as a woman as he was cleaning the house. But
here's the thing, that, as well as when he was in his butcher outfit,
was more of a role, not a personality. The original concept of
Leatherface was “How do I HOO-man” as his outfits in the first
movie were more the ideals/stereotypes of the roles he thought of
what he knew average people did. Preparing the victims on the
meathooks, hitting them with the hammer, and preparing them for
dinner? That's a butcher's job. Making sure the house was clean?
That's a maid's job and a maid was typically a woman.
He never had a personality based on the gender of his outfits, his
outfits were just what he thought he needed to put on.
But here? The minute he gets into his literal woman's skin? He
starts acting like a woman and the reason isn't for what I mentioned,
it's for yucks. The first TCM was made to horrify and shock.
The second was made under “We already did this, let's just have
fun.” The third was back to the roots, as well as the remakes
and...
Well, Chainsaw 3D made him an anti-hero, so not sure how to
put that other than crap.
The Next
Generation was made under “LOOK
HOW FAR WE'RE GOING WITH THESE INSANE PEOPLE! AND LOOK HOW WE'RE
MAKING THE KILLER THAT MADE OUR FRANCHISE, ARE SHOCKED OR LAUGHING!?
WE'LL TAKE BOTH!”
And, yes, worse has been done before, during, and since.
We
eventually get to it's version of the family dinner scene and...well,
when your focused more on shocking over the top vs. shocking via
atmosphere, there's really no comparison. Even the Platinum Dunes
remake got how we're supposed to feel during this moment right when
it got to it, here it's just too over the top and the result is we're
not scared, we're just wondering what the Hell we're watching...but
not in the way we're supposed to be in a TCM franchise.
And, yes, this includes 3 bodies that look like they're dead because
first movie.
It turns out Leatherface is ready for a more youthful skinsuit and
Jenny was selected. Not sure how a new skin helps the Illuminati
out, but this causes her to finally stand up to Vilmer, who...hits
his family in response...which causes the old man to...get up with
the knife and leave. All of this causes Vilmer to try to burn
Heather alive, only for Darla to put her out as somebody honks their
horn to let 'em know they pulled up, revealing that, as I said
earlier, the whole Illuminati thing to be 100% on the money.
The
agent, Rothman (James Gale) shows up to tell the family they've gone
too far and it's messing up their plans. And unless the town they're
in is the Hellmouth, the spot in Riverdale where it caused magic and
superpowers to be cannon on the TV show, the American entrance to the
Abyss from Made in Abyss, it
is never revealed why fear needs to be shown in a little barley on
the map area of Texas.
Maybe that's how they make a Buc-ee's.
Said agent then licks Jenny's face then leaves, a job well done.
Well...more “We're from the Government, we're here to help” than
well done because Vilmer goes right into cutting himself
over...whatever that was, as Leatherface goes for the chainsaw. You
gotta love it when it feels like 90% of the movie is missing when you
know 90% of the movie wasn't ever meant to be in it.
Jenny takes Vilmer's remote to malfunction his leg, only for Vilmer
to get the spare as the two have a remote duel...
Dueling chainsaws this is not.
...which she wins and runs with Leatherface on her trail. And now
comes the part where I wanna wrap this up more than this movie does.
At first, it looks like it's gonna just rip off the first movie, as
Jenny runs into an RV with Leatherface right behind her as the couple
take her in and drive her away...until Vilmer's tow truck shows up
with Leatherface on the side, causing them to knock the RV over,
causing Jenny to run again. While all this is going on, a plane is
flying overhead, notices the whole thing, as the pilot swoops down
and takes a chunk out of Vilmer's skull.
The implication? Well, the Illuminati figured Vilmer never got the
whole “Scare, no kill” message and went back for Jenny, leaving
Leatherface to dance in his finest women skin and evening wear
because first movie. It turns out this whole thing was done because
the group wanted a “Spiritual experience” out of the whole thing.
Again, never explained why this barley on the map area of Texas was
needed.
Again, I think it was really to build a Buc-ee's.
They drop her off at the hospital, Sally Hardesty (Marilyn Burns,
credited Anonymous for...reasons...) passes by because the director
wanted a passing of the torch between the two victims even though no
words were said...
No, really, there is no joke in that sentence.
...and the movie ends with Leatherface dancing in the road because,
again, first movie.
Which what I wish I was watching right now.
I will say this, especially compared to the new one on Netflix, it's
not boring. It is crazy, it is out of control, you actually do
wonder how far it's gonna go if you never saw it before, and the
family and the atmosphere is completely insane and you are wondering
how Jenny'll get out of it.
But
it's not The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre and
the original was lightning in a bottle.
Not only did the original come up at the right time, the filming was
at the PERFECT time. The heat, the dirt, the grime, the literal
blood, sweat, and tears that was put into it, it all came together at
the ONLY time you could for a story like it. The unbearable Texas
heat, the worst than 'Naim conditions (Seriously, one cast member who
served over there said that), the frustrations that actually caused
Gunther Hanson as Leatherface to cut one of his co-stars by accident,
the grungy look of the film, EVERYTHING came together for a once in a
lifetime horror experience.
Which is why all the sequels and remakes after were more focused on
how far they could take the insanity and/or camp levels since that
kind of atmosphere can never be captured again.
The
Next Generation overcompensates
for it big time. You're never scared or THAT disturbed, outside of
the abuse, over what you see, it's not so much you covering your eyes
save for one spot in between your fingers, it's you tapping your best
bud on the shoulder going “DUDE, DUDE, DID YOU SEE THAT!?” while
laughing. Nobody was likable outside of our heroine (A problem later
repeated with Chainsaw
3D), and
the main “Look what we did” attraction was done for yucks, taking
one of the aspects that made original Leatherface scary, (No base
personality) and made it go *POOF*.
At the very least, he picked a nice outfit to rip off the first
movie's end in.
FINAL VERDICT: For an over the top mess, said mess doing this because
they knew the first was lightning in a bottle, feeling like the movie
was unfinished despite it was, and just not being scary, this movie
gets a MEGA DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! If you want over the top fun
with Leatherface, go with the second movie. If you want the lightning
in a bottle, go with the first. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a
bit of a conundrum, as I planned to review the Chip 'N Dale Rescue
Rangers movie...only to turn out to actually like it. So,
instead, I'm gonna turn to cross-generational childhoods as I start
Boomer Summer Bummer with that time a guy went rabbit hunting...
No. No, I'm not doing this. I'm not
gonna do something where I have to FORCE the comedy out because of a
really crappy movie. Yes, I'm well aware I changed it to a bad
comedy, but considering the other movie is a Hitchcockless sequel
made for Showtime, how much mileage can I get out of it when you need
to know it's all of that AND directed by Alan Smithee. I'm sorry, I
know I change my mind on what I wanna review, but for each moment
where it's because something I know would result in better jokes,
summary, and overall writing comes along, there's moments where it's
because my original plans come off as “Ugh, I HAVE to do this”
and that's not fair to me OR you guys.
So, without further delay...
One of the greatest modern romance
stories of all time is Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? A
movie centered around an upcoming mixed race marriage in the 60's and
how the in-laws deal with it, confronting stuff (Re: Attitudes and
prejudices) they didn't know they had, the main couple's feelings vs.
their families feelings, and one of the best “Go to Hell” scenes
known to man.
There's
multiple attempts at “Uh-oh, family sees loved one isn't one of
their own” for both drama and comedy with various degrees of
success, but there's only one Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
and it's an all time classic.
Which is why
there's only one conclusion...
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE
A COMEDY VERSION!
In
2005, Sony would try a reverse of this, a white guy being engaged to
a black woman from a successful family with a dad who prefers her to
find another black man, with Guess Who, and
despite the talents of Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher, the critics
weren't too happy with it on the grounds that, despite the message of
loving one another still resonating decades after the original, the
politics and time that fueled the original had changed. The reason
the original was needed and is a classic is because racial tensions
in the 60's were on such a high, it was actually illegal in certain
states FOR the main couple.
In 2005, not so
much. So, in order for it to work in 2005, they had to bump up the
comedy to obnoxious racist in-law.
You
can guess why something that's supposed to be a reverse Guess
Who's Coming to Dinner? as a
comedy didn't please the critics and some of the audience.
Now, imagine that
idea only doubled, more obnoxious, and dependent on half the comedy
being from Carlos Mencia.
I'd
say stop laughing, but was anybody really laughing at Our
Family Wedding?
Taking
a movie and changing the cultural dynamic isn't new, it's been done
for years not just because of remakes of foreign movies, but there's
times where the plot can be applied to other cultures. British movie
Death At A Funeral
had
one in America about an African American family going through the
process only for things to go wrong. The original was centered
around a white British family, but almost everything could be moved
over with the comedy intact. The only true switch over was a Guess
Who's Coming to Dinner style
subplot where one of the relatives is engaged to a white dude and
they had to make a good impression.
See, that can fly because the antics (Getting a relaxing drug mixed
up with a haluicagen) are intact and the focus is that the side
effects are one of the things gone wrong.
When you do it more as the main plot, you have to have a def touch,
even in the 21st century. Too strong, and the movie comes off as
beating you over the head with a stick while shouting “DO YOU GET
IT, STUPID!? HUH, HUH!? WELL, YOU'RE TOO DANG STUPID TO, SO LET ME
HIT YOU SOME MORE, STUPID!”
Too weak and you'd wind up getting characters who are so flat,
unlikable, and with no desire to watch, you're left wondering why the
couple didn't just go to Vegas and have an Elvis marry them.
Guess where this falls? The fact it's here should tell you
everything.
So, the movie opens and we're introduced to our mixed race couple for
the movie, the African American Marcus Boyd (Lance Gross) and the
Latin American Lucia Ramirez (America Ferrera) as they talk about
meeting their parents, how she's wondering how she'll tell her's they
dropped out of law school, his dad will be with her, etc. So far, so
good...
Then we meet the future in-laws.
First, there's Marcus's dad, Brad (Forrest Whitaker), a successful DJ
with a hit late night radio program, and Lucia's dad, Miguel (Carlos
Mencia). Both are doing their jobs, Brad's show about Valentine's
Day and Miguel making a custom low rider...and treating it like one
would treat a woman complete with...caressing it...
Believe it or not, not the creepiest thing this movie's gonna do.
Here's a hint, the fact that 3 dudes wrote this thing should tell you
it's gonna hurt later...like a front kick to the nuts by somebody
wearing new baseball shoes.
...when Miguel gets a call...while still caressing the car...from his
wife, Sonya (Diana-Maria Riva), and she's none to happy. Why?
Because he's caressing the car on the same night Brad is telling
dudes not to be idiots...VALENTINE'S DAY! D'HO!
Do not be alarmed, that groan in place of laughter is normal. Remain
calm.
Meanwhile, on Brad's side of things, we see him in the nightclub
picking up women...the age of his son.
Boy...the
viewer can root for these two already, huh? Yeah, it's not a good
sign when at the start of the movie, you have an idiot dad who treats
cars like women and wonder if the other got her parents' permission.
And no, I'm not a prude, I get that they're both adults...but it gets
really creepy when the other party is in your son's class.
The next day, Miguel leaves his very tense wife to go to his job at
the garage and meets his other daughter (Who works there with him),
Isabel (Anjelah Johnson), who informs him that the half of his
employees responsible for towing called in sick. Why? Turns out he
refuses to cover health benefits. Comes off as wanting to hump the
car he built, refuses to cover his employees' health benefits...and
leaves calling the tomboy daughter his “Favorite Son” to get
under her skin.
Battin' 1,000 so far, huh?
This all leads up to Miguel meeting Brad when it turns out his car
parked overnight on a spot you can't. He spots him just in time as
Miguel can't hook the car because the device that closes in on the
tires didn't work, thus legally, the tow is canceled...except he hits
it, and the car gets hooked. While Brad was still there.
So, from a perspective, it already looks like Miguel is gonna be the
worst of the two because all Brad does is pick up women half his age,
where as Miguel just violated the law, did some unethical stuff,
forgot his wife for a car, AND screwed over his employees, right?
Well...then the argument happens. Brad cries he doesn't trust the
car to “Someone like” Miguel, complete with “Oh, you don't
speak English” and the two calling each other “Bro,” “Essie,”
“Cuz,” etc.
In short?
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
Only more racist and you don't like anybody.
And to drive how home unlikable the people we're supposed to root to
change our? Brad grabs the door handle and tries to force a biker to
be a witness while Miguel drives away...with Brad still holding the
handle. This causes Brad to call his friend and lawyer, Angie
(Regina King...and yes, she's the best part of this thing), who
forces Brad to ride in the back for his antics. And...yeah, I gotta
admit, Regina King and Forrest Whitaker have the best chemistry in
this thing. The relationship feels natural and the conversation they
have in the car feels real.
So...how does the movie screw up this good will?
We jump over to Miguel and Sonya getting ready and...she looks
resentful the minute he says she looks fine, and flat out angry when
he brings up the car from earlier...which was made to be a gift to
Lucia. No...not the disturbing part yet, but pretty dang close.
Unless it's normal for mothers to get angry that their husbands are
giving their daughter a graduation gift. Anybody know if that's
grounds for divorce in some states?
So, at first, it looks like the typical “Oop, dad wasn't told about
boyfriend” set up, with Miguel saying “Call me Mr. Ramirez,”
then it escalates with remarks like “I'll be right black” when he
goes to get the champagne from the car.
…
Wait...can you do that at a fancy restaurant? Did the Ritz ever have
a BYOB night?
Brad then shows up...complete with plot fairy as it turns out his
date being an old classmate of Lucia, leading to Isabel purposely
adding more tension to the night on the grounds that three dudes
wrote this. And, no, that's not the part I warned you about earlier,
but it's still a sign 3 dudes wrote this. Or do sisters sabotage
each other and call it a Monday? Anyway, both Brad and Miguel come
back, and...
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
15 minutes in and, like I said about the writing, I don't like
anybody and I'm wondering why the two kids didn't go to Vegas and get
married by an Elvis.
Marcus shows a clear head and tells everybody to sit...but not even
one minute after telling them to shut up...I don't think even 30
seconds in...
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
Did I mention I don't like anybody?
So, because the get-together didn't go as planned, Lucia wants to
just go right to the meals without telling everybody...but Marcus
dives head first and says they're getting hitched...and she drops the
bombshell that he's leaving to do a doctor's without boarders thing,
causing everybody to think she's pregnant for...reasons.
Did I mention 3 dudes wrote this?
Then she drops her own bombshell: She's going with him. Oh, that
whole dropped out of law school thing? Well, considering the two
fathers were ready to kill each other, cooler heads say...LIE YOUR
ASS OFF! Yes, because with two people with fuses shorter than a
Pixar short film, you wanna keep on bullshitting!
The next day, after some scenes of the families interacting with each
other...with Marcus's side actually being pretty funny (And Marcus's
dad making it clear he's worried that he's jumping in head first),
Marcus goes off to try to bond with Lucia's family. And because
Miguel is an asshole, this leads him to tricking him into riding to
the police station because it turns out, one thing he doesn't like...
ONE OF the things, given his actions.
...about Marcus is that he knows nothing about him. So, through
Miguel's LAPD friends, Marcus submits a finger print and it's all out
in the open...except, well, to get him to do that, Miguel had to show
him...and he gets HIS ass thrown into jail because of a public nudity
charge from the 80's, complete with his wife bailing him out.
Sometime
later, to show good will (Especially when the wife bailed him out),
Miguel returns Brad's car...only for it to go right into...
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
If you're already sick of the South Park gag in this review,
congrats, you know exactly what it's like to sit through these
fights. Don't worry, there's the rest of the movie to go.
After a bit that can be summed up as “Der, a dad don't know how
another dad's modern bathroom works” AND searching said dad's
bathroom for Viagra...because the sky's blue, I guess...we get---
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
---culture...as a...dick measuring...contest...anybody else hear
comedy begging to be put out of it's misery? After Angie tells
everybody to act like grown ups and combine traditions, we get a
mixed bag montage of everything being set up. I say mixed bag
because it really doesn't get funny until the seating arrangements
and...yeah, this is what I wish the movie was.
Everybody trying to figure out how to get along, funny jokes about
family, and most of all...
THE FATHERS SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE!
I get the point of a Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? plot, why
it's there, etc. You can still have it in some form, that both
families don't know how to deal with the culture clash without either
side looking THAT bad. Get them to know each other setting up the
wedding, show how they react to both sides coming together, some dark
comedy involving either past relationships or that one family member
NOBODY talks about. Instead, we had so far two assholes that make me
wonder why the kids didn't elope in Vegas...and...what I've been
warning you about since the start.
Remember how I said this was written by 3 dudes? Well, its time to
go gown shopping and after the sister tries to start trouble, the 3
dudes decide to double down on the “Women be crazy, yo” writing.
How, you may ask? Well, it turns out Sonya has been hor---”Lonely”
for quite awhile on the grounds that her husband is a bit of a moron.
Sorry if I've been subtle about that.
Well, this means while her daughter tries to pick out her wedding
dress, Sonya...picks out her own. Yes...apparently, if you're really
really horn---”Lonely,” as a woman, you suddenly have the urge to
try one wedding dre---
HAVE I MENTIONED THIS WAS WRITTEN BY 3 DUDES!?
Who does this!? No, better question since I'm a dude, who THINKS
women do this!? Even morons who's first hand knowledge of the fair
sex comes from Hallmark movies...WHO THINKS WOMEN DO THIS!? I even
brought it up with my female friends at work, ya know what happened?
They either laughed at how stupid it was, or looked at me like I grew
a third eye and asked if it was glowing purple instead of blue.
Oh, and we finally find out what Isabel's deal is: Turns out the two
sisters made a vow not to end up like friends they knew...or their
own mom, as she keeps reminding the viewer, on the grounds that
you're an idiot...
Though I doubt even the dumbest audience member comes up with “Tries
wedding dresses on because horny” for obvious reasons.
...that their dad is an idiot who hasn't slept with mom in
weeks...and she is within ear shot as Isabel says things that make
her such an enduring character like how looking at a certain tool
like water in the desert.
Have I mentioned I don't like most of these characters? Sorry if I'm
subtle about it, but I REALLY DON'T LIKE MOST OF THESE CHARACTERS!
Oh, and to drive that home? During the tux fitting for the men, we
get the dads arguing about how Miguel gets the white tux while Brad
gets the black, caving in with “Once you go black...” causing
Miguel to respond with “Credit goes bad.”
Did I mention I hate these characters?
Oh, and if the wedding dress scene wasn't bad enough proof that 3
dudes wrote this, we jump to Miguel showing Sonya the car he's been
working on as a graduation gift for their daughter. It turns out it
was the car they grew up having together, complete with all the good
times that come with it...that she wants to recreate right now.
That's right, THE MOM WANTS TO MAKE OUT IN HER DAUGHTER'S GRADUATION
GIFT! Why, yes, that reaction of so creeped out you wanna bathe in
acid is a natural response.
After a moment where the families, mainly Lucia's, try to force their
traditions on the wedding, we jump to a day or two later for a local
softball game Miguel's company hosts with some rival team where Lucia
asked Marcus and Brad to help out. After a moment of---
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
Repetitive...tired...horrible...dialogue... we get the game underway.
Things go smoothly at first, even with Brad trying to start
something with Miguel, hinting at some of the athletes he brings up
are on the juice, to which Miguel replies “Yeah, but they're
Dominican,” hinting that he found something the other dad agrees
with. This actually sets up a layer to the guy as maybe there's more
to---
Moments later, after he hears his daughter call Marcus babe, Miguel
accidentally on purpose tosses a fastball on Marcus's back. Right,
right, somebody thought a comedy version of a movie classic was in
order. Layers, development, and personality? What was I thinking I
was watching, Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?
After that, the Ramirez family head home and Lucia finally calls the
old man out and he says it's because he's no good for her. Any moron
with an IQ above Mayo can see what this movie means by that, but when
she lists off his good qualities, he replies “Then why didn't you
say anything about him?” In a good version of this story, not only
would both dads have layers to them and not be these hateful little
morons, but the viewer would either take sides or wonder themselves
why she didn't.
Miguel has, so far, said to the elder Boyd stuff like “I'm not your
bro,” hinted that his race was a huge factor with that “Wait
until you meet him” line to his own mom (Who's HORRIBLY racist
herself), tried to have a police record of him called up, tried to
get into a dick measuring contest with culture vs. culture, and now
beaned his future son-in-law in the back.
I'm not questioning why she didn't say anything, I'm wondering why
she didn't try harder to hide the guy from the obviously insane and
horrible dad and elope already. It's helluva lot easier to get an
Elvis go “Do, you pretty mama, take this man” than it is to find
one redeeming value in Miguel.
Oh, and don't think Brad's off the hook too, as he actually tries to
give the best advice he can for his son about relationships,
especially since the one with his mom ended so badly. Yes, take
advice from the guy who needs parents permission to sleep with one of
his many many MANY girlfriends. I hear Bill Clinton back in his term
made a great marriage councilor.
If you expected a Trump joke...too obvious.
The next day, Miguel and Lucia have a nice calm talk...which confirms
that it was indeed his race that freaked him the *BLEEP* out as he
said one of the things he pictured on top of the wedding itself was
WHO she would marry. She calls him out on that, including bringing
up that he taught her to be better than the way he's acting.
TIMEOUT! I CALL PERSONAL FOUL! If this asshole taught tolerance,
I'll hawk NFTs.
We then jump to Brad and Angie tasting wedding cakes for the event as
the chief tells 'em to try it like a bride and groom. Angie, one of
the few adults over 30 that has a smart head, tries to stop it...but
Brad wants to go through with it. Why? Because we gotta have them
plant the seeds of them getting together, leading to a food fight to
try to show how nuts Brad feels about this, and...
I actually have no objections with this.
Out of everybody in the entire movie, Whitiker and King have the best
chemistry. The relationship from friends to possibly more feels
natural, the banter the two have are not only what real people say in
a situation like this, but are perfect because both are ready to take
the verbal punch and both know they can dish it back. Makes me wish
the movie was around these two.
Hell, the relationship progression feels natural, too. Both make the
move, but come off as unsure as each other and is one of the few good
will moments of the movie.
A moment that's gonna get screwed up faster than you can ask “How
can you ruin a good thing.”
Brad and Miguel go scouting for DJs for the wedding and stop at a
club, complete with a joke that a mixologest won't answer to
bartender...
Do not be alarmed, the urge to throw things at the screen in place of
laughter is perfectly normal.
...until the two get drunk and finally get along. Yes, because so
drunk you pray to God your youth recapturing doesn't wind up on
YouTube is of sane mind. This results in the two going to the DJ so
floored, they're seeing the basement as the DJ says his a
“Turntablist.”
Uh...I don't spin records, but I'm pretty damn sure ANY AND ALL
DIGNIFIED DJS DO NOT SAY THEY'RE TURNTABLISTS!
Also, the urge to punch the 3 dudes who wrote this thing instead of
laughter is normal, you're fine.
This results in a bar fight with the biggest guy in the bar...don't
ask...and the both of 'em getting arrested. This time, their kids
bail 'em out and...this go around, EVERYBODY is an asshole. Marcus
calls out Brad for being himself while Miguel calls out Marcus for
taking a non paying job and “Living off” his daughter's
paychecks. The reason the first one puts Marcus as an asshole is
because the tone and the call out implied that he was a really crappy
dad when that was one of his few best qualities, especially given
both the advice he asked for from him AND various conversations that
said he taught Marcus how to cook, clean, etc. Hell, the DJ call out
he did on his radio station implies that he's willing to help his son
through this.
As for Miguel being an asshole to Marcus? Marcus, as you remember,
is signing up for doctor's without borders. While I get that he's a
concerned dad, when you call out somebody for going to a country that
needs the help, you don't look like the good guy. Even ends the
convo asking if Marcus would respect a man who didn't pull his own
weight, ending with him saying no.
The next day, the kids drop Miguel off as he and his wife finally
have it out, complete with her saying that their daughters made fun
of her the other d---
…
THE OTHER DAY!? Hold up, EVERYTHING from the dress fitting until now
was ONE DAY!? HOW!? Did time fold on itself? Did the movie blow up
a TARDIS and there's cracks in the script? Is this a world where it
runs on Digiworld time, 1 minute=several days? In short, to quote
Linkara...
“WHAT TIME IS IT!?”
It's revealed that...
Again, 3 dudes wrote this.
...Sonya feels like she stopped being a woman and is more of a “Wife”
and a “Mother.” Yeah, screw you ladies who dream about being
either of those things, your life stops the minute you either say “I
do” or a certain thing runs late. Did I mention 3 dudes wrote
this? And yes, I'm well aware that's part of the subplot of Mom &
Dad, but that was a comedy about a radio wave telling parents to
kill their kids, this is supposed to be super serious.
And yes, I'm well aware of midlife crisis, but...last I check?
TRYING ON A WEDDING DRESS ON YOUR DAUGHER'S FITTING DAY AND SEX IN
HER GRADUATION GIFT WERE NOT SANE RESPONSES!
We then jump to the couple only to get our third act break up as
Lucia remarks that her dad won't take the whole “Volunteer teacher
instead of lawyer” thing well...
Considering everything I've been summing up, can you blame her for
thinking that?
...while Marcus calls her out for not standing up for him. Again,
Miguel isn't exactly proving to be the stable person, even if he was
right to call her out for that. They call it off, causing Sonya to
remark that “Our wedding” was off.
...so...not only was she trying on a wedding dress at her daughter's
own fitting AND wanting to make love in her future car because it's a
restored one of she used to have, but she views the wedding the same
way a beer bellied dad on his 3rd Bud views his son's game.
Again, the urge to wash yourself in acid to clean up? Normal.
Later that day, Angie shows up to Brad's show the invoice from the
caterer's...only to reveal that he's still sleeping around with women
old enough to be his son, breaking her heart and going firmly back
into “Asshole” territory. This leads into a montage where
everybody is miserable on the grounds that this is a romantic comedy,
we need the third act “Everybody sucks break up” montage.
But, not to worry, as they don't drag it out as Lucia starts the
convo, saying that she didn't felt like law school wasn't for her
during the first semester, wishing she had the guts to tell Miguel
right away. Miguel reassures that, no matter what, he still loves
her. This leads to the two sisters reconciling and Isabel taking her
to the Boyds to have the bride and groom get back together.
Sure enough, she starts singing some Babyface so loud, the coyotes
join in, and he comes out and the two talk while Brad thinks about
his relationship with Angie and Miguel regifts the restored car to
his wife, who loves it! Considering that was originally supposed to
be for the daughter after she graduated/came home, the feeling of
“What the Hell” in the back of your mind instead of “Awww” or
laughter as she plays like a teenage girl trying to get her husband
is normal, don't panic.
So, come the wedding set up and...if you thought Brad and Miguel's---
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
---repetitive...non stop...awful...running joke should've died
now...arguments got annoying, imagine that for the family scale as
their older relatives don't take “Compromise” for an answer and
Miguel's racist grandma wrecks the wedding cake because it goes
against her traditions and Brad's older family members want to kill
her for that very reason. The good news is that it causes Brad and
Miguel to get along as they actually tried to stop it...the bad news
is because both men refuse to have a goat be killed on his property,
per Miguel's cultural traditions, as both families, again, refuse to
have any compromise.
All this chaos causes the goat to run into the bathroom, wreck it,
and get itself doped up on Viagra, leading to a bit where it
completely wrecks the wedding set up. Sure enough, this leads to
“Oh, look what we did, ha, ha, ha,” reactions. In real life, I
suspect everybody would be ready to kill the elder members of both
families on the grounds that, since the dads are paying for this,
that's more money down the drain.
Hmmm...
(One goat unleashing latter)
I can't type the rest on the grounds the lawyers are ready to kill
each other.
Things get repaired, everybody gets ready, Brad tries to patch things
up with Angie...who is still rightfully pissed...and the wedding goes
off with out a hi---why are Brad and Miguel trying to see who sits
fir---oh no...
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR B---”
NO! STOP! THIS IS THE WEDDING! I'VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH OF THIS
UNFUNNY CONTRIVED IN-LAWS STILL HAVE SOME HATE MESS, LET'S WRAP THIS
UP!
The kids get married, Brad and Angie patch things up and we get a
montage of events during the celebration, and a time jump of pictures
of sometime later of Isabel introducing Miguel to her love interest,
an Asian American dude, causing Miguel to...not...be happy...
…
NO! NO! WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN! WE'RE GOOD! WE ARE GOOD!
The reason the original Guess Who's Coming To Dinner? is, and
will always be, a classic is because it addressed the issues at the
time of a mixed race couple, which sadly still exist for a lot of
people, faced just by being together. As I said before, in some
states around the time of the movie, it was illegal for them to be a
couple. While those issues aren't as strong and stem more from
personal stuff, it works as a drama because the main in-laws aren't
just addressing concerns out of race and it becomes clear as the
picture goes on that it was more out of shock and fear for them than
flat out hate.
That goes out the window when you make the concept a comedy.
I'm not saying that wouldn't work, but most of the time that it does,
there's layers to the relative that's in the wrong that make us want
to see him or her learn the lesson. There's a reason, despite his
ignorant attitudes to everything, people still watch Archie Bunker.
And, yes, “In laws hate each other for most of the movie” is part
of the plot, but when the constant NEARLY TWO HOUR joke is---
“I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND, BUDDY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR BUDDY, GUY!”
“I'M NOT YOUR GUY, FRIEND!”
---summed up by a South Park gag but not as funny, even more
repetitive, and with racist moments to boot, the viewer gets
exhausted and wonders why the kids didn't just have an Elvis marry
'em in Vegas. The main reason for this is why the movie didn't work,
namely the viewer winds up not liking the two future in-laws to say
the least.
If we have to watch these two dads be assholes to each other, there
has to be something that makes us want to root, or at least watch,
for the two asshole dads. What doesn't help? Starting off with the
idea that one is a jerkass who won't cover his employees, breaks the
law AND ethics in the same breath, wants to do his car more than his
wife, and has horrible hints of racism AND a racist mom to boot
(Miguel), while the other goes after women his son's age, keeps
trying to start the dick measuring when the other party puts in
effort for peace, AND continues to sleep with women half his age so
shortly after sleeping with his best friend, complete with the “I
don't wanna ruin the friendship” excuse to make it all ok (Brad).
And then there's the (rest of the) writing. Oh God, there's a reason
I kept saying 3 dudes wrote this.
I somehow get the feeling the minute Sonya said she stopped being a
woman and “Started to be a wife and mom,” the women who actually
wanted the family life but could never get it for some reason or
another were ready to throw things at the screen. The one sister
being bitchy to the other to the point where she talked down about
her mom like the popular girl in high school to the outcast is
another prime example. And...oh God, that wedding dress scene. If
your mom tries on a wedding dress during your fitting and looks ready
for the rubber room, I suggest rescheduling the fitting and calling a
therapist.
God, not even the most inept Hallmark rom-com would do that for
obvious reasons.
Three dudes trying to write women, arguments that grow stale and old,
and moments that don't make us want to watch this family come
together but root for the kids to elope? It's no wonder that at the
end of the day, this comes off as a bad wedding. You're leaving
miserable, you wish harm on the people that forced you there, and you
can't return the gifts.
FINAL VERDICT: For characters we're supposed to like, but don't,
moments that drag on and on and on, moments clearly written by three
dudes who do things even the most inept Hallmark special wouldn't do
to women, paint by numbers, and turning a story into a comedy when
nobody even asked for the classic story to be a comedy to begin with,
this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! You don't throw rice at
this thing, you throw garbage. Now, if you'll excuse me, my
neighbor's daughter is about to get married and I have to explain the
traditions of the groom...how do I explain the pain boxes, anyway?
