Note: Because it's no longer on
Netflix, and I really don't wanna rent/buy it for right now, Loaded
Weapon 1 is put on the back burner until I wanna rent it...but it's
such a lame duck (With a few good jokes, I'll admit), I'm not exactly
in a rush to kill what's left of my brain cells...especially since I
gotta review this stinkburger thanks to a bet...so, yeah, enjoy a
different round of pain...sorry...
*SIGH*
In a combination to delay this pain as
much as possible, AND because of the events leading to this
mess...though knowing me, you can probably guess which is the greater
priority...before we talk about the movie, lets...uh...talk about the
movie.
Long, long ago, in the before time,
there were two major satire magazines trying to get you, the reader,
to laugh. National Lampoon and Mad Magazine! Both were satire
magazines that made fun of various things at the time, but in
different ways. Mad was more of a parody along the lines of Airplane
and The Naked Gun,
where as National Lampoon wasn't
afraid to...uh...
...yeah...those...
At one
point, National Lampoon decided to get into the movie business,
resulting in classics including Animal House and
the Vacation franchise...and
to say Mad was...um...MAD about this is an understatement. They
wanted that same movie pie Lampoon got and were gonna get it! If
Animal House made all
it's money by being raunchy and unapologetic, Mad would make sure
their movie was even MORE raunchy and even MORE unapologetic!
Never mind that it
didn't go with the style of the magazine, WE'S GOTS TO MAKE MUNEH!
Well...that's where
Mad realized they bit themselves in the ass. When the movie, which
had Robert Downy Sr. directing, was said and done...they HATED it!
They did everything they could to withdraw from the movie as soon as
possible like it had leprosy! The movie was so bad, Mad themselves,
and these are the guys that LOVE to take pot shots at their own
company, could only do two pages when it was time to do the parody: A
page giving character and motivation...then another page that go 3
panels in before the entire staff quits.
I'M NOT EVEN
KIDDING!
So, yeah, Mad did
it's best to, and for a while had, remove their name from the
movie...until several years after it's founder, William M. Gains,
passed away and a DVD release restored both name AND footage
connected to Mad.
Resulting
in the mess we have right now... Mad Magazine Presents:
Up The Academy!
Let's not waste anymore time...let's just peel off the band-aid and
cry in misery...
So, the movie opens with a mafia guy telling he's ashamed of his son
(Ralph Macchio) not getting in the family business of running
brothels and casinos, so he's gonna get shipped off to military
school to learn to listen!
I don't think the army drills people on how to run hookers and dice.
We then go to an African American religious family, where the dad
says the academy'll get him closer to God and to say good by to his
step-mom...to which Ike (Wendell Brown) and his step-mom make
out...right behind the dad...and she asks him where the pot
is...within the dad's earshot...then we have an implication that he's
gonna beat his son if he doesn't make the plane, and---
Look, white people wrote this. That's the nicest thing I can say
without problems, white people wrote this.
We then jump to an Arab family...
OhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGodOhGod....
...look, I'll knock this joke out all at once: The son, Hash (Tommy
Citera) is being sent to the academy because he's a thief...oh
God...and there's a joke about getting his mom mixed up due to women
being covered in veils...then it's revealed his dad impregnated the
wrong woman because of the veils...
I am 2 minutes in and I already curse life.
And...yes, Hash is looking just as pasty as Sokka and Kora from The
Last Airbender, and I don't think time in the desert sun's gonna
fix it!
And we then jump to a mayor's office, where his son, Oliver (Hutch
Parker) reveals to his dad that he got his girlfriend pregnant and
wants to do the right thing...and the mayor replies he will as it
jumps to...the abortion clinic...
THREE minutes in...
And after an opening that shows Alfred E. Neuman seeing a bunch of
wood soldiers getting knocked over, we jump to a Patton parody
to welcome the kids that ends with a fart joke...because why not? As
for the jokes when we get to the academy itself? A blind barber, a
gay tailor (Tom Poston), and a church window that has three religions
in it, with the Jewish section highlighted and the caption on the
bottom reading “It Takes All Kinds.”
I don't know, I don't wanna know.
So of course, the kids hate each other, Hash stole some candle
holders from the church...
Remember, this was written by white guys.
...and we meet their new instructor, Liceman (Ron Leibman), who
proceeds to drill Oliver by saying “Mine” over and over again.
So then, he mentions that he was sad he graduated the academy, happy
to come back, and was happy to serve in Vietnam...and since this is a
comedy, I think its safe to say the implication is he's a bit of a
fascist. Sure enough, after calling Hash a racist term after
spotting the candles, threatened to take his balls off. BTW, any
shock that Leibman wanted his name OFF the movie?
Didn't think so.
Sometime later, Oliver writes back to Candy and it turns out, not
only did Liceman read the letters both to AND from Candy, but Candy
was sent to the girl's military academy not far from there, because
why not? Oh, and this is all after Liceman shouts “HALT,”
everybody stops, but he clears it up by saying he meant “HALT-HALT!”
...I...I just...17 minutes and my life force is gone...
Well, now it's time to get that R-rating, as Mad's own parody pointed
out, as we get to the cleavage showing teacher, Bliss (Barbra Bach)
showing off as many ways you can get turned on from weapons! Some
where, a militia is asking for a new pair of pants.
We then hear, and even see some of, Ike's dad preaching in a stud---
I mean SUPER BIG MEGA CHURCH THAT IS IN NO WAY JUST A SMALL ONE ROOM
SET!
---and Hash...bowing to oil...
I think for the first time in my life, I hate Mad Magazine.
...only in time for the gay tailor, Sisson...yes...really...demand
the boys to get out of the shorts for laundry, but they refused and
said they'll do it themselves much to his disappointment.
No...I'm not gonna give “It was a different time” excuse given
what the people who wrote this gave us already.
Ike then writes his note, revealing that the step-mom and his dad got
a divorce, lies that the soccer coach (Antonio Fargas) likes him, and
calls Liceman the devil...despite that all he's done that was evil so
far was tell people to repeat things, threatening one person, and
reading mail...two of which I hear is typical military academy rules.
Threatening...not so much.
So, Liceman then announces that the parents day will culminate in a
soccer game between the staff and the kids, and the staff never lost.
After Cooch shows off his skills, he kicks off the ball to Liceman,
who tosses it back to the field...and Hash catches it and tosses it
to Liceman's head, which leads to ANOTHER racist tirade from
Liceman...so, yeah, we're now to where he IS the devil instead of
nasty instructor...and finds out about
Hash...stealing...more...stuff...
I'm gonna steal from MST3K: “To any Arab, any human being, we
apologize for the following scene.”
While doing toilet duty, Hash and Oliver talk because Hash wants to
get a note to Candy, but doesn't want Liceman to see it. Hash then
reveals he has a car nearby and they can sneak out...but shortly
after this, Liceman tells him to squeal on his roommates in exchange
for getting out of cleaning the toilets. Enough about that, though,
we gotta meet the new guy! Enter Blut---I mean Rodney Ververgaert
(Harry Teinowitz) who introduces himself by saying...he still pees in
bed...because he's so mentally disturbed, he sets fires to his last
bunch of schools...and yeah...that's the joke.
I hate this movie, I hate this movie, I hate this movie.
Sometime later, after a bit where Liceman confirms the new guy's a
firebug, they (Save for Cooch) decide to go over the fence an get
Hash's car...because Animal House did it...to drive to the
girl's academy. This causes the local gas station owners, racist
rednecks, to be rude to 'em and ready to kill 'em when Hash steals
the gas...after they refuse to take his Bank of Arab card...and he
says he “Never leaves home with out it.”
I just recap what I see, I know it's not funny.
Eventually, they do get Oliver to the girl's academy and he sees
Candy is on the second floor of the dorm, leading him to look in on
the other girls as he walks in. This means he sees things, like...two
girls having a joust with those things you'd see years later on
American Gladiators...okay...punching a heavy bag while
another girl shaves...her face...
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
Oliver and Candy do meet up, and they make out and catch up with news
from home. Namely, Oliver's dad is in the lead in the polls thanks
to his anti-abortion stance...
Ha...ha...ha...
...and Candy's family lost the store in a fire as one of her uncles
was in the meat department, but don't worry, he came out medium well.
Ok...no joke, I actually did laugh at that...but that was because
every other joke SUCKS.
Turns out, though, Oliver forgot his condoms...but they still go
through with it...only to have one minute to spare to get back to the
group, but the guards spot him! He leaves just as soon as the guards
spot him, but gets out in time as the guys dodge the rednecks, who
crash into the school! This causes the rednecks to...run into two
girls growling like guard dogs...
I...I don't know...I just don't know...
…before assaulting the rednecks...
Oh, and this was AFTER a scene where a female cadet said she worked
her balls off to be a soldier.
Factor in the face shaving and you can probably guess the big joke
with this. And I'm sorry.
But it turns out they all got caught and now comes the grand military
tradition of...black mail! Liceman, somehow, has pictures and will
tell everybody what happened if the boys don't send Candy over to him
next time, shine his shoes (Yes, he looked at Ike when he said that),
and pass over the other girls to him, too. And after that moment, we
jump to...more scenes to get that R rating with the ballistic boobs,
then we see the guys figure out how to throw off Cooch to prevent him
from squealing while they take the pictures back.
And, to think, it'd take him faking being a teenager a second time to
save his career.
But it turns out Cooch WASN'T the stool pigeon, but the new guy! And
Cooch was tailing him to record this...so...wait, why was Cooch
leaving earlier while they were at the girl's academy? Whatever,
this is the least of this movie's problems. He clears his name and
everybody works together to try to stop both Liceman and Vevergaert
while eating pig balls...and yes, there's a joke where Hash likes
it...for the same reason two white guys wrote this.
So now the gang has a plan, which includes...3 of them leaving the
academy and dressed like Hash to get what they need...and after that,
we go right to the dance, where the guys are getting ready and the
plan to fool the two villains is ago! And if I come off like I don't
care anymore, I just want this to end, there's a good reason...
I don't care anymore, I just want this to end.
Oh, and if you want a reminder two white guys wrote this, a wild
badly singing barbershop quartet appears! No...really... this is all
so Ike can run into Bliss and give her some weed...as we the singing
is so bad, the glass breaks, the stock footage of buildings crumble,
and the film itself breaks!
Ok, THAT I wasn't expecting, so that got a laugh out of me.
And, yes, I wanna roshambo myself for it.
So, yeah, plan goes belly up as Ike is getting stoned with with
Bliss...only it doesn't as he actually manages to stop Vevergaert to
let the plan go after all...so...no...I don't know the point of
earlier...or care...and the sting is on, as the gang, with help from
Candy, tricks Liceman into crossdressing and take pictures of him in
the women's underwear.
Did I mention Ron Leibman wanted his name off of this? Yeah,
apparently, Zorro: The Gay Blade had more dignity.
I'M NOT GOING TO TEST THAT!
Eventually, Vevergaret goes free...but not before the pictures get
taken...and it's revealed that Liceman is Vevergaret's uncle...I
don't care...I'm at apathy levels with this, how much worse can
this...
So, both sides at a stalemate, it's decided that whoever wins the
soccer game, that side gets all the blackmail pictures from the
other.
*HEADDESK**HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*HEADDESK*
SURE! LET'S MAKE THIS AN 11TH HOUR SPORTS MOVIE!? WHY NOT!? WE HAVE
NO ORIGINAL IDEAS HERE, LET'S TAKE FROM STUFF OUTSIDE OF THE MOVIE
WE'RE TRYING TO BEAT! GAH, I HATE THIS MOVIE!
So, Parents Day comes...shenanigans repeated from earlier...blah,
blah, soccer game about to start, blah, blah...there's just 11
minutes left and even if this thing wasn't offensive on every level
to watch, there's not much substance as I'm writing as I'm
watching...
I sure as Hell am NOT gonna see this ever again, not for any reason!
...and I'm only on page 6, so let's just wrap it up.
So, the game's about to start, complete with the national anthem by
Sisson and a rocket launch by Hash.
I just saw the joke that's coming and now I no know math good know
more.
Wait, there's 10 minutes left, how fast is this match going to be?
And, yes, Hash blew up a bridge. I. Hate. This. Movie.
So, turns out the gang were planing on stealing the pictures back all
along, as they rigged the students' section to hold up the picture of
Liceman, with audio from that night, causing the staff to lose.
Liceman snaps and just when Hash says he can't get the pictures, and
Liceman says he's gonna cost Oliver's dad the election, Ververgaert
pulls a face turn because...because...
No, seriously, we don't know! All we know is he burned a picture of
his uncle and...that's it. That means he's good now...I guess...
Anyway, Ververgaert arms a missile, and launches it at Liceman's
bunSok, causing all the blackmail pictures he had to go boom with it.
So, yeah, Liceman's career is wrecked as he makes the front page of
a Michigan newspaper...which is important as it shows Oliver's dad
got re-elected...ok...Oliver and Candy get to dive Oliver's new car,
the guys follow along in Hash's car, and we see that trying to
hitchhike is Liceman...causing the guys to high tail it and the
movie...to be on repeat!?
NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Actually, the joke ends as the movie rewinds the last few seconds to
put in new footage that had Alfred E. Neuman watch the whole
bit...and this mercifully, thankfully, ENDS!
The only reason this had the Mad stuff put back in is because when
Warner Bros. bought out the magazine, they wasted no time in putting
everything back in for various releases, including syndication and
cable.
No, I have no idea why ANYBODY would pay for the rights to this
thing.
Mad was ashamed to have this movie attached to them and still is
today for OBVIOUS reasons. The offensive jokes aren't funny, half the
time are just there to BE offensive instead of funny, the rest of the
gags suck save for a couple of them, and that's only because I didn't
expect anything TO be funny at all, and the whole thing makes me feel
horrible for watching.
But even if the raunchy stuff was toned down and the humor not as
offensive or offensive at all, it would suffer for one other
thing...it's as thick as paper.
I'm on page 7, writing a review of a movie as I watch...and it's 1
hour and 26 minutes long. I wrote a review for Pearl Harbor as
I watched that because I knew a second time would be a slog for the
length, and that was around 5 pages...something's wrong when a movie
over an hour can only get so much for summary. Light on story, very
little humor, one of the worst things humanity has ever made, AND
embarrassed Mad Magazine to boot. If I EVER see this again under my
own free will, take that as a sign that I've been kidnapped and call
the police.
Or this movie made me that stupid.
FINAL VERDICT: For one of the worst thing I ever seen, for one of the
worst things humanity ever made, and for something even Mad Magazine
regrets, this movie gets a WORLD DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Avoid,
avoid, for the love of everything holy, AVOID! Now, if you'll excuse
me, I'm getting sick and tired of this awful movies that legit get me
angry. I need an easy target, one that not only I've done before, but
I think I can write better than the last time I saw it...which means
it's time to go to the disco floor and get your grandma's/mom's
favorite band to sing to when they think they're alone...
...ok, maybe this movie DID make me that stupid...
