B-Movie Bomb: A Christmas Story 2 (Old Review, spoilers)

NOTE: Due to real life, the Flintstones No. 5 and the second Kenshin movie review will be delayed until after the Holidays.  However, I didn't want to leave you guys hanging, so here's a repost, with a few tweeks, of a review I did sometime back on Channel Awesome's blog.  I'm doing this because it's Christmas theme and I'd sooner choke on a fruit cake than see this movie again.  Enjoy.

A while back, the Nostalgia Critic brought up just how commercial A Christmas Story has gotten over the years from replicas of the infamous leg lamp to Christmas/Holiday food products baring it's name and an entire cell phone ad that parodied the plot of the movie, replacing “You'll shoot your eye out” with “You'll run up the bill.” I'm 50/50 about this.

Not about the ad, that was really really stupid.

On the one hand, if you love a film so much you feel it should be celebrated in someway from having a replica of the lamp or the BB gun to actually seeing the house or visiting a museum dedicated to it, celebrate it as long as it's a nice and healthy response to it. It connected with you, resonated with you in someway, and still entertains you and your loved ones to this day.

On the other hand, mass commercialism for this gave the world A Christmas Story 2: The Quest for More Money.

Ok, I added that last part of the title, but you can't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing when it was the only reason to exist. Labeled by Warner Bro's DVD movie division, Warner Premier, as the official sequel...

In the same way water is a sequel to oil.

...this was made to simply be a cash grab of a movie that has gotten more and more mainstream thanks to networks TNT and TBS running the original movie 24 hours (And that one year by USA Network) for over 20 years as of this writing. Thing is though, this mess wasn't based on anything by the original story's author, Jean Shepherd's, story; this was an original story in the same universe as the original movie with the same characters.

Yes folks, it's just-under-90 minutes of fanfiction. Be afraid, be very afraid.

And yes, there IS an official sequel to A Christmas Story done by Shepherd called It Runs In the Family aka My Summer Story about the family after the events of the first movie, namely about one summer in the lives of Ralphie's family.

So, yeah, only reason this movie is an “Official” sequel is because Warner Bros. said so. Again, be very afraid.

So, the movie opens in the old CGI'd mat panting of 1940's Indiana...

Boy, reading that just makes you wanna sing “Back Home Again, In Indiana,” don't it?

...with the house on Clark Street...if the house was smaller than you remembered seeing it. But, hey, if you wanna be reminded you could be watching the first, and much better, movie, narrator adult Ralphie (Nat Mauldin) will be happy to oblige as, right the *BLEEP* outta no where, he brings up the parents feuding over the leg lamp.

Yeah, get used to a movie so desperate to make you think it's the first movie, it's gonna constantly REFERANCE the first movie. Standing on it's own, any hack sequel like The Empire Strikes Back or A Nightmare on Elm St. 3 can do that, this takes true talent!

It's been six years since the first movie, so naturally we're treated to an older version of Randy (Valin Shinyei) being into the same sci-fi and fantasy stuff Ralphie was in the first movie, Speaking of which, we see the now 15 year old Ralphie (Branden Lemasters) admiring his hair, then his mom (Stacy Travis) putting up the tree while dealing with Randy's swearing. And...so far, so average, I don't see anything that can---

OH, HAI DANIEL STERN!

Yeah, Daniel Stern's now the Old Man and...boy, talk about a miss. He's a good actor, but he only gets THAT the Old Man is a popular character, not the WHY as most of his intro comes off as the bumbling dad trying to do G rated swearing Vs. the swearing from Ralphie's POV from the first movie. We then break down the rest of the family, namely that things are still the same like the dad being into the White Sox...then complaining about something they did... ha, ha, ha...and the mom who...collects bacon grease?

Wait, what? And...why does it look like she wants to make love to it?

So the kids go off to school as we then focus on Ralphie being with his friends, Flick (David W. Thompson) and Schwartz (David Michael Paul) from the first movie as the three talk about how...nearly naked Rita Hayworth gets in her latest movie...because this is what I think about when I think about A Christmas Story, three morons talking about the 40's equivalent of what'd you see on Skinamax. The three then stop to drool at a Buick Roadmaster because two of 'em are huge car nuts and...the movie comes to a halt to show the time the Old Man was teaching Ralphie how to drive, right down to the time honored tradition of 40's road rage, complete with swearing.

Well, at least he's ready to take on the Dan Ryan.

Time to resume the plot...

Oh, God.

...as the three morons finally arrive in school, Ralphie sees the one thing other than cars that gets a teenager all gooey: Girls, namely Drucilla Gootrad (Tiera Skovbye), the object of his affections through this entire movie that doesn't have 4 wheels and vrooms.

I think, I don't know their sex life after this movie.

But because he's not a jock, he has to settle for just looking at her...in a way most people would find super creepy...and fantasizing about her...being tied up by a Nazi...

Our lead has deep deep DEEP issues.

So, yeah, Ralphie has the same fantasies he had as a kid...

Because why should a movie stand on it's own two feet?

...as he rescues Gootrad from a Nazi (Alex Zahara) that had her prisoner.

Well, enough of that, time to get back to the movie proper...

...really? We have to go back?

...where Ralphie is back learning how to drive by the Old Man as they go out to pick a used car. The good news is that his lessons are sticking, as this time he doesn't ruin the clutch. Easy to remember when the Old Man cracks you treat it like your mother...in...law with a...punching...mot...

Isn't this just what you think of when you hear the words A Christmas Story? “You'll shoot your eye out,” Santa at the department store, punching your in-laws. It just FLOWS naturally, don't it?

Anyway, while The Old Man wheels and deals with the car lot's owner (Gerald Plunkett) for a good price on a car, the wind picks up, causing the storage room to open up and revealing a used Mercury inside. Gee, that was nice of GOD, wasn't it? Feed the hungry, keep the world spinning? Nah, give the 15 year old his dream car! Well, this is enough to stop the movie...again...as Ralphie has another fantasy, but it's a sane one this time as it's just him driving down the street with Gootrad. When the movie resumes, we get a montage of the Old Man saying things like “If you don't ask you don't dance” because him being full of stuff like that is important for...reasons.

Well, enough about that, time to invoke the first movie again as Ralphie does everything he can to get that car because he's crazy about a Mercury...

Hey, you thought it too, don't lie!

...including planting fake ads in a magazine, having a convo about getting another car...only for it to crash and burn when the furnace crashes and burns. Because, hey, if you wanted cliches you came here, you wanted an actual story with some thought, you saw the original.

Back to school and band practice, where Ralphie uses his position to...smell Gootrad's hair behind her in a way that is not subtle and is in fact 100% would get him arrested creepy...

This flows so well with the image of the wife giving the Old Man a blue bowling ball after putting it on his own balls, doesn't it?

...and...uh..wow...I don't think the Nostalgia Critic was joking at this point...I think he really does need to change his pants...or he really really REALLY loves playing music right after smelling a woman's hair...

...I think I just listed a modern day fetish...

Anyway, after that, Ralphie takes Flick and Schawartz to see the Mercury, only to find it's out and for sale, waiting for somebody to by it. Because we've established at this point that he's a creepy lil' idiot, Ralphie decides now would be a good time to go in and play around with the car in the lot. Because THAT'S what you did when you were 15, hopped in a car and went “Vroom.”

Actually, I don't know if you did that when you were 15, I don't know your sex life.

So, he goes in, plays with the steering for a bit, notices it has all he wants and more in a car, and realizes that his chances of getting it are slim...and that's as far as we get for mature real world Ralphie, as stupid moron Ralphie pops up when the car lot's owner shows up to show off the Mercury to a customer. Now, sane and rational people...provided they didn't play with the wheel like they were kids...would get out of the car, explain to the owner they were eyeing it but can't afford it, and move on.

Ralphie jumps into the back, causing his pants to get caught on the emergency break. Sure enough, it releases the break, causing him to take off his pants to get free but not before the bumper lightly taps a lamp post, which causes the plastic deer hanging on it to crash into the convertible's roof while Ralphie screams “OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDDGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE!”

Because we wanna make you wish you were watching the first movie, regardless of how we do it, as much as possible!

Turns out it's gonna cost him $85 for the top, and because back then it was a lot of money, the trio decide to unite and do everything they can to get the cash by Christmas Eve or Ralphie does not pass go. The guys try to gather up as much as they can, only to get $19. Randy over hears this and laughs, for the same reason Ralphie's scared, namely that now's the time to tell his Old Man and he doesn't want to because he's a cheapskate. He's so scared at doing this, this causes...oh jeez...yet ANOTHER fantasy, this time as a dead teenager walking down death row as the other two are a cop and a priest respectively. The reality is they shoved him outside because they figured being cheerful and happy would be the perfect time for Ralphie to talk to his dad.

It works at first, the Old Man offering to put up a couple of bucks, thinking it was for a gift for his mom...then Ralphie blabs and asks for the rest leading to a rant where he says “Nope, you gotta earn it on your own,” and it's here where we have the problem of having Daniel Stern as the Old Man. The reason McGavin worked so well as Ralphie's dad is because he came off as a natural dad. Yes, he'd probably would tell him the same thing, but Stern's comes off less of a dad teaching his son a lesson and more of a cheapskate going 'I'M NOT LISTENING, LA, LA, LA, WON'T SPEND MONEY!' McGavin's Old Man would swear, yell, and even call him a moron, but would address that Ralphie needed to learn his actions have consequences the same way you'd see any reasonable dad that heard their kid broke a window tell his kid to pay for it.

This asshole? He comes off more as wanting to save a buck than honestly tell his kid “You have to learn responsibility.”

With that bit over and done with, Ralphie sees a picture of Santa from the local department store and realizes he, and the others, need to get a job at the local Higbee's...which means the plot has to come to ANOTHER screeching halt for a fantasy. This time, Ralphie being employee of the year, being honored by FDR and getting Gootrad, complete with a newspaper announcing their wedding.

We get back to the film proper...

As much as I don't want to.

...with the Old Man at it again with the furnace while mom tries to hide some loose change that she found. This leads to them calling a repair man...and the Old Man swearing up a storm every time he heard the repair man bang the dang thing. After hearing the prices for a new one, the Old Man tosses the guy out right before he and mom go to get a turkey.

Say, remember how in the first movie it went out of the way to show how much the Old Man loves turkey? How it was such a character trait that they even carried it over into both the stage play AND the recent Fox live show? That bit where he acted like a kid being told not to touch the freshly made cake?

Well, you can chuck that out of the window, because the minute he sees how much the turkey'll set him back, the part of the his personality the movie wants you to remember most, that he's a cheap ass bastard, kicks in and takes it back. When his wife can't talk him out of it, he gets the bright idea to go ice fishing. Yeah...the equipment, reserving a piece of the lake, the pole itself... vs. a bird that's $.40 per pound... wait, $.40? Hell, I'll take it!

And that's the problem with this movie vs. the original I'm 31 minutes into the film and I already know the one of the movie's major flaws outside of it existing: The characters aren't human.

Even after 20 years of 24 hour marathons, one of the main reasons people can connect with the original film over and over again is because the characters were human. The dad was a cheapskate, but you can tell just from the performance and his actions he loves his family. The whole film is a flashback told from the author's POV, thus he made mention of what went through his and every kids' minds back then, there's a reason “Flick Who” and that bit about not getting caught are some of the film's most memorable moments.

I'm watching not even 90 minutes of what people who watch Full House think humans with flaws act. Ralphie's a horny moron, the Old Man is a cheapskate that comes off as preferring to save a buck over actually wanting to teach his son a lesson, the mom loves bacon grease, and the little brother is a smart ass. The only human element is the narrator...which is easy for him to channel because Nat Mauldin WROTE THE DAMN THING! Yeah, easy to know your character's motivation and reason for the story to exist when you WROTE YOUR CHARACTER'S MOTIVATION AND REASON FOR THE STORY TO EXIST!

While Ralphie and the others get ready, we go back to the Old Man being a cheapskate, intruding on a remolding to ask where they can get another furnace, with him getting angry whenever she brings up the screw ups he did. Well, that was a pointless digression, lets go back to the main part of the story...

...oh God, make it stop!

...as it turns out, because they have the IQ of sitcom characters, gift wrapping isn't as simple as fold and tape it as the shoppers are ready to start a riot, this causes one of them to be so stupid, they actually wrap a baby basket with the baby still inside. Baby suffocation, that's funny, right? Seeing that's not enough to get fired, the store tries to put the three in separate locations, with Schwartz handling spraying perfume samples, Ralphie setting up the window display, and Flick in shoes.

If all three responses range from “Oh God” to “Make it stop,” you can ether see the future or have seen the other 500 movies/sitcoms that have done this before. Case in point, Schwartz can't tell one end of the bottle from the other and winds up macing himself with some Ode De Toilet, Flick falls over with a tower of shoe boxes landing on his back, and Ralphie gets caught in a compromising position with a mannequin...that he's actually dancing...with...

Ok, if that thing comes to life and I hear “Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now,” I'm gonna roshambo somebody.

This continues on, including a fat joke involving Flick putting on the wrong size shoe on a woman...and on including Schwartz molesting a woman when perfume splashes on her...and on with Ralphie and the dummy...and on...and on...

Eventually, the guys wound up earning the store money for all the antics...and yet NOT get fired. For crying out loud, did Ralphie invent blackmail and hold it over the manager's head, that's the only reason I can think of!

They go back the next day and the store gives them the EASIEST job they can, the mail room. And yes...this is gonna hurt.

Back to the plot that I wish time forgot, as the Old Man gets ready to go ice fishing...on Lake Budget (Seriously, you can even tell the woods are fake)... with Randy, who complains about the cold. The Old Man tells him the key to it is patience...and that's when a big blizzard hits, causing the adult Ralphie to remark that this is why his brother still lives in Florida. Ok, that got a chuckle out of me.

Hey! I said something nice about the movie, and no side effects other than these loud pops I just heard an---oh, the room is spinning... *THUD*

After another bit with the furnace, complete with the Old Man actually scoring a new one, we jump to the next day where the furnace gets installed...and we learn from adult Ralphie he'd sue the installers in six months...ha, ha...ha? This all leads up to Randy, who complains about going back to the lake, cracking his tooth on a semi-frozen candy bar, causing him to run away from his mom the minute he hears he's going to the dentist because in the first movie, he was such a little kid.

Speaking of “Because of the first movie,” the gang are doing a good job until Flick wonders what it would be like to stick his tongue in one of the vacuum tubes in the mail room, leading to the expected sounds of your childhood, your love for the original bit, and all hope dying inside. After getting him out, they're told they need to fill in for the elves because, again, “Because of the first movie” as a bad department store Santa (Garry Chalk...yes, Optimus Primal, you may cry now) complains about his wife hiking her skirt up to the kids.

This isn't just fanfiction, this is bad copy and paste fanfiction, something I unfortunately did when I was starting out as a writer so I know how bad they can be. But I have the excuse of 'Was starting out, didn't grasp fanfiction let alone writing,' just how long as Mauldin been wr---“A DAY IN THE LIFE!?” One of my favorite episodes of Night Court!? The same guy who wrote this movie wrote this!?

https://youtu.be/IBma9Z5dOao?t=6s

ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ERROR! CRITICAL INFO REPLACED WITH DESIRE TO SEE WOODY WOODPECKER MOVIE! ERROR!

Well, time for another digression as Randy gets taken to a dentist (Tony Alcantar) who has one of those old fashion drills and doesn't believe in numbing the patient. Because that's what you wanna see with the words A Christmas Story, right? A kid going through the same torture that comes after the words “Is it safe.”

Back to the main plot...

Can I surrender!? Can this stop if I surrender!? No? How about defect!? Can it stop if I defect!?

...Ralphie's had enough and calls out the bad Santa for...uh...being a bad Santa. Declares that everybody can go home, causing everybody to get mad and Flick and Schwartz to fight over their jobs, namely that Flick wants to keep his job and Schwartz thinks Ralphie is in the right, causing the whole thing to close anyway.

Back to the ice fishing plot that won't die, as mom gives the Old Man some soup and offers to help him fish. She winds up catching a big one, only to see the hole is too small, causing the line to break while she pulls on it and he tries to get the fish out. This leads to an argument between the two...and that “More of a cheep bastard” problem with Stern rears it's ugly head, as it gets heated, blames her, and refuses to admit to all the mistakes he's done just to “Save money.”

You know what, let's bring up an example of something like this happening in the original movie...and why the bit added in the Live version wasn't needed.

In the original movie, the leg lamp broke, causing the Old Man to yell that the mom did it on purpose and was always jealous of his success before he went out glue hunting to no avail. And you know what happened the next day? NOTHING! The plot moved forward, husband and wife still loved each other. In the live version, the two looked like they were on the edge of a divorce, and after the dad's walk blew off steam, he calmed down at the same time she did and they forgave each other. While that was a nice outcome, that really wasn't needed.

Going back to the “They're human” thing I mentioned, you can tell in the original movie that they're a loving family, that despite all their arguments, moments where they get angry with each other, and stuff that do at times drive a wedge, stuff that happens to most families, at the end of the day they still love each other above all of that. This movie on the other hand? The Old Man's a bitter asshole. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it, he's an asshole. McGavin's Old Man always came off as tough and cheap, but fair, where as Stern's comes off as “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, I DON'T WANNA SPEND, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

After a digression, where Ralphie mentions that his mom is worried about letting her sons go...

...huh? When was this ev---forget it.

...we see that one of the kids at the store, who asked for a tire, is homeless thus causing Ralphie to think about what Christmas means before heading home. After finding out that his dad is still out on the ice, Ralphie heads there...to Lake Soundstage... where the two NOW have a bonding moment. Yeah...after spending most of the movie being a jerk, NOW they try to get Stern's version of the Old Man to be an actual dad. Oh, whatever, movie. This causes Ralphie to think about what he has to do and be determined again to get the cash to fix the car.

Eventually, the Old Man comes home...looks pissed off at his wife...

Gotta love how this movie keeps the spirit of the characters we know and love!

...causing her to break out the change jar for an idea. The next day, Ralphie begs for one more chance and---OH THANK GOD, I HAVE ONLY 25 MINUTES OF...THIS...thing...25...min...oh God...I have 25 minutes left...

Eventually, Ralphie asks for another chance and after saying he won't back down, the store gives him one...by putting him in a reindeer costume because the first movie had bunny pajamas. This is all to attract customers, which at first seems stupid enough, but then he gets into a bell fight with a member of the Salvation Ar---er...“Random Charity That Looks Like What You Think It is” for...reasons...I guess...anyway, then Gootrad is seen with her boyfriend, causing Ralphie to try to hide behind the guy so he's not seen in the deer costume. This causes the NOT Salvation Army guy to push him into some stuff, causing Ralphie to bounce back and knock over his bucket. While picking it up, a $5 bill blows away and a man picked it up, which Ralphie calls him out on...to which he gets punched in the gut before the guy puts the bill on his costume's antlers.

Yeah, this screams what you see when you hear A Christmas Story, doesn't it?

After seeing that his crush saw this, Ralphie goes back home to see he's a dollar short and nobody can help him because his friends are tapped o---wait a minute, Schwartz has his hand in his pocket...and yes, this goes EXACTLY where you think it's going, because Schwartz refuses to part with even $1, going as far as to make up a BS story about it being passed down from family to family, on the grounds that he's Jewish.

Movie...I didn't need the help to set the bar for this thing low.

After the fight to get it...which involves taking off his pants and I'm pretty sure that on top of getting it would land him a jail sentence anyway, Ralphie heads to the dealership, complete with passing a display of the leg lamp in the window on the grounds this thing can't stand...

...OW! OW! OWN BAD PUN HURT ME! OW!

...on it's own, only to encounter the homeless people from earlier and realizing that, even though it means jail time, he's got enough cash to treat 'em to the Chinese restaurant on the grounds of both it's Christmas AND this thing can't stand on it's own. Having enough to get something else to hide in the basement later that night...

Gee, I wonder what it can be, says the guy who saw an earlier reference to the first movie.

...and then join his own family for dinner. Just when it looked like the Old Man learned his lesson about being a stubborn asshole, in comes the wife to save the day with a fish she bought at the store and BSing that the dad caught it, something that adult Ralphie says he brother never found out the truth about. Hope you have time to say hi, whoops.

The car dealer calls Ralphie, wondering where the money is leading him to head to the dealership to explain the whole thing with what he has left. Because it's Christmas and we need contrived writing, the dealer forgives and forgets and calls it paid and tells Ralphie to never lose that can do spirit as it'll make him big one day!

Insert “The More You Know” logo here.

Jump to the next day and it's Christmas, where we see the Old Man still loves his wife after getting a fishing kit, meaning he learned his lesson...I guess, Randy gets a Buck Rogers toy, as well as a sailor suit from Aunt Clara because the first movie had Ralphie wear her bunny pajamas, and a montage of other gifts via an old fashioned camera. But, because we're not done referencing the first movie, Ralphie pulled what the Old Man did with the BB gun on the Old Man himself, only this time with the leg lamp, causing the Old Man to look like he wants to hump it right then and there.

...yeah, you could crack it as a joke easily in the first movie...I'm not sure it would be one for this...

But one good bad reference deserves another as the Old Man tricks Ralphie into a family photo by the tree, where he spots a key to the Mercury he's been eyeballing this entire movie. Yep, turns out the reason the dealer forgave Ralphie's debt is because the Old Man bought it for him for Christmas, causing his brother remark that he wants a real rocket. Ha, ha...ha... Ok, let's just speed through this thing and wrap it up.

Ralphie nearly crashes the car again when it starts to roll away, but Gootrad shows up to help him stop it rolling, the two talk about his time as a reindeer and bond over it...

Yep, six minutes of talking, there's your character development for the girl.

...as Ralphie gets the ok from the Old Man to drive her around the block despite no license, enjoy your first citation Ralphie. The movie ends with him getting one last smell of her hair...

You really couldn't just go out quietly, huh, movie?

...as the two drive off into the sun (movie) set and SWEET JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST, THIS IS FINALLY OVER!

This is just bad fanfiction, not the kind that shows both effort as a writer and that said writer cares about the characters/universe, the kind where the writer THINKS he knows how everything would be after the source material ends, the kind where the writer only knows the BASICS of why he/she and everybody else loves the world, not the REASONS. This thing made me wanna punch my screen, wish all the characters got nothing but a lump of coal (To be nice about it, anyway), and punch myself in the nuts for picking this over the Brady Bunch Christmas reunion movie. The only credit I can give is the same as the Nostalgia Critics, in that Branden Lemasters actually does show some effort, coming off that he understands why Ralphie, as well as the original story as a whole, holds up and are memorable.

At least until they make him creepy and have him do things like smell a girl's hair behind her back, anyway.

As I said earlier, one of the things that made A Christmas Story work was that the people in it were real. You connected with them on some level because they weren't just characters, but they behaved, acted, and responded to situations like normal humans save for where it was made to be a comedy like the over the top responses to the leg lamp. This movie feels like the writer just saw what was remembered/popular of the characters and wrote around that, thus gone was the Old Man being a stern and cheap, yet reasonable, figure and in it's place was Daniel Stern mumbling swears and being an asshole.

Top it all off, it misses the biggest thing that keeps people like me, the previous generation and mine, and others coming back to watch A Christmas Story at least once during the marathon these 20 years: The original movie captured Christmas, this p.o.s. did not.

Our parents and their behavior in the days leading up to it, getting the tree, the overall atmosphere, being a kid around the Holidays, the original movie captured it all and we make the connection because we've been through at least one of the situations, be it double dog dare our friends to do something stupid, or wanting that one gift that has our mothers panicking.

Everybody in this thing is so stupid, over the top, or the situations are stupid and over the top, we can't make that connection. I don't feel like I'm watching Christmas, I'm watching what a sitcom thinks it's Christmas, I'm watching what a writer who wants to understand the Hoo-Man thinks is this “Kriss Mess.”

Then there's the stuff that keeps trying to invoke the first movie. There's shout outs and call backs, then there's just being painfully lazy. The tongue in the tube, the fudge line after the crash, the sailor suit, etc. These are just lazy throw backs to the first movie in the desperate, to the point where its on it's knees, attempt to make you feel like you're watching the first movie. Oh, trust me, within five minutes, you'll be aware you are not.

If you really wanna see what happened to Ralphie and his family after the first movie, get your hands on It Runs in the Family aka My Summer Story, THAT'S the official continuation. I saw a few minutes of it once too long ago to remember if it was good or bad, but I can promise you this: It's 100% official over this mess.

Stupid, idiotic, misses the point of the original movie, and bad casting. This thing doesn't make me think of Christmas in the Midwest, it makes me wish I shot my eye out so I didn't see it.

FINAL VERDICT: For something that tarnishes what people love of the original movie, for having the gall to call itself an official sequel AND an adaptation of the original's story despite it being an original mess, a staff that understands the first movie is popular but not the WHY, sitcom characters and plot, and a creepy, creepy, CREEPY Ralphie, this movie gets a special BAH-HUMBUG B-MOVIE BOMB! I was warn I'd shoot my sanity out, I didn't listen. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm on Santa's slide and I just remembered what I wanted: I want this movie to not exist!

“...you'll have to settle for Warner Premier's closer kid. Ho, ho, ho.”

*KICK*

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Now THAT'S how you do a call back! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Years, guys!

The Idiot's Lantern: "And lo, God said 'I Will Break Thine Thumbs...'"

NOTE: Yes, I'm aware I'm LATE on both The Flintstones and Kenshin reviews, real life got in the way.  I'll try to have at least one of 'em out before the year's out.

One of my favorite books is What Where They Thinking? The 100 DUMBEST EVENTS in Television History by David Hofstede. It's fascinating reading how the genesis of a bad idea not only started, but actually got the green light to be on TV, be it a prequel series to Casablanca...

Yes, really.

...or The Love Boat on land known as Supertrain, where we see the lives of various passengers and attendants of a train so big, not only does it take two tracks, but it has it's own ballroom!

Again, yes, really.

And it inspired this very blog series, “The Idiot's Lantern,” and yes, it's also named after when Brits saw TV the first time, some of 'em remarked “You look like an idiot looking at a lantern.” So, naturally, there are times where I wanna put my own two cents in one of the many MANY stupid events in this book, such as the time, oh, Oral Roberts extorted cash by saying God'll kill him.

Believe it or not, in the 80's, televangelists were kings. If somebody had a voice, charisma, a good actual church following, AND an actual church with enough room for TV cameras, you better believe that Sundays was a toss up between football and praying.

Actually believing in God, 7 times out of 10, was optional.

Yeah, for every legit televangelist that tried to reach your soul and help you go up, there was at least two that was more interested in lightening your wallet, claiming that big private plane or that vacation resort they're using your money for is to spread the word of Jesus. I don't the good book said “And lo, thine messenger shall fly first class...”

One of the big ones at the time was Oral Roberts, who's been in the faith business LONG before TV (Even got an early start as a Faith Healer) and thus knew just how to get the masses in, make 'em feel good about the sermon they saw, and made sure their soul didn't go to Hell. If anything, TV just boosted what was already there with the guy, seeing as he was on the radio in the 40's and had some of his traveling sermons on the air in the 50's. He even founded Oral Roberts University AND funded a hospital, what could go wrong?

How about implying God's a mobster?

At one point, it seems like God had enough of the shenanigans with the televangelists, as a whole lotta of them saw all the money and fame they were getting from this came back to bite them in the ass, be it the Bakers after Jim's affair was made public, or several being revealed to use the funds to fuel some drug habits. Roberts around this time decided to double down the pleading as his church was going broke, so he went to his flock, both in the live audience, and at home, and said that if he didn't raise $8 Million in funds, God'll “Call him home.”

Or for those that speak mafia, God asked Roberts if he ever visited Hover Dam.

Yep. Apparently, God was this...

...as he threatened to kill Roberts if he didn't deliver the goods. Needless to say, a whole lotta people went “Uh...” at that one.

But hold! Salvation came as when the deadline for God to give him cement shoes came, Roberts was handed a check...buy a professional dog track owner. In other words, the preacher accepted cash from a gambling origination. Can ya guess how many of the faithful were REALLY not happy with that one?

A combination of this, as well as the Baker scandal, and various other ones, caused people to lose their faith in these guys, and an unfortunate side effect is the hospital Roberts founded had to close. And the apple isn't that far from the tree, as Robert's own son, Richard, had to resign from his post at the University because it turns out, he decided church funds=personal funds. If you're still looking for faith on TV, there's still some televangelist on the air...but again, for every one that seems to want to help you go up, there's a certain asshole who refused to help flood victims trying to fund his own private jet.

And yes, I'm shocked he hasn't said “God threatened to take me to Hover Dam” yet.

Side Note: If you wanna look up more info, the entry is No. 13 in the book: What Were They Thinking: The 100 DUMBEST EVENTS In Television History.

B-Movie Bomb's Flintstoned: Flintstones No. 4 (Spoilers)

So, it's been a couple of years or so since DC released the Hanna-Barbara Beyond comic line, DC's attempt to do the Vertigo formula on classic cartoon characters. How and what has this line done? In the words of Joe Bob Briggs: “Let's get to them drive in totals! We have...”

-Top Cat as the next big threat to Batman...which has yet to come to pass outside of a short back up story published, as of this writing, last summer. (UPDATE: Now, as of this writing, he is teaming with Superman! Yeah...try to figure that one out, at least Flash racing Speed Buggy had SOME logic)

-The Mad Max story telling applied to Wacky Races, complete with a preexisting character now a trans-woman...for no reason other than for DC to shout “WE'RE DIVERSE, DAMN IT!”

-The Scooby gang at the center of a world altering Apocalypse...caused by Velma and her family when she unleashed a nano virus that had the idea of “BE NICE TO EACH OTHER, DAMN IT” only for her family to change it to “OBEY US, DAMN IT” and screw that up.

-The Jetsons' robot maid, Rosey, actually being George's mom...via a brain transfer into an android body that has the reader asking “WHY IS THE ROBOT MAID A SEX BOT!?”

-The Banana Splits are a successful music group in the DCU...that get mistaken for the Suicide Squad and has that adventure inspire them to become hardcore rappers.

Clearly, this was the line to address the issues of gay marriage and slavery in The Flintstones No. 4, right?

I said it before, I'll say it until the cows come home: If you have a message with your satire, you need a gentle touch. That part of the brain that shouts “STOP, STUPID, YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OUT” is a VERY important part of writing a satire with a message, to ignore it causes the satire to go from a reasonable explanation of your opinion to just beating the viewer/reader with it.

Case in point, the main subject of this issue is gay marriage. How do they address that everybody has the right to get married? By having the traditional marriage be odd ball and the conservatives demand everybody goes back to having orgies in the sex caves. That's funny because it subverts reality, it twists what we know on it's head but addresses the issue head on while being funny with a serious message.

And, yes, like previous issues, this thing's writer, Mark Russell, ignores the part of the brain that says “STOP, STUPID, YOU HAVE THE MESSAGE!”

So, the issue opens with a flashback to the early days of civilization to explain how the animals became appliances when we see a saber-tooth tiger arguing with a friend of her's when she's been kicked out of her Pride for having an affair...

Complete with a cigarette in her hand. Ha. Ha. Ha.

...and decides she can't survive on her own, so she goes to the humans that might be eating another friend of her's, preferring them over starvation. And this is how the animals in the Flintstones' world become the appliances we know. Now, you might wonder how this is a bad thing as the tiger would've starved...well, that gets answered as we jump to the comic's present day as one of the animals, a bird that's the beater to a mixer, sees Dino playing with Pebbles and calls him a traitor.

Why yes. Yes, this will hurt later. This will hurt like the dickens. This'll hurt worse than the time your ABBA loving significant other took you to Mama Mia.

Unless you love Mama Mia, then it'll hurt worse than when your hair metal loving significant other took you to Rock of Ages.

We at B-Movie Bomb do not discriminate deep hurting.

This all leads up to the reveal that Fred and Wilma, after watching a right-wing news program saying marriage is wrong and just having orgies is right because it wasn't that way when they were kids...

HEY! HEY, COMIC! TURN IT DOWN! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF OVER HOW RIGHT YOU'RE SAYING YOU ARE!

And this is coming from a gay marriage supporter that hates ALL cable news.

...are going on a marriage retreat to see if this new hip thing---

...wait...Pebbles is 12 in the comic, does that mean they did the nasty in the pasty before they got hitched, early pioneers, nobody noticed until EVERYBODY did it?

---a try. They drop Pebbles off with the Rubbles as they drive off and run into Fred's old friends, Adam and Steve.

Yes. Yes. It's gonna go there. Yes. Yes it's going to hurt. And yes, this is despite the fact I'm WITH the comic on it's message!

I'm gonna lay the cards out on the table so there's no if's and's or but's about it: The main issue this part of the comic takes on is marriage equality and they're doing so by making what we consider traditional brand new in a world full of sex caves. THAT'S funny, THAT'S poignant! By turning the issue on it's head and making it about something most people think is right being viewed as wrong, it's an examination as to WHY people would get married, both gay and straight, and brings up some good issues for couples.

And by Gerald...

And if you read my review of the second issue, you'd get it.

...they screw it up SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad!

After saying hello, and Adam and Steve saying they'd like to give marriage a try...

Remember, it's gonna hurt, and I AGREE with this comic.

...they head up to the retreat and it's ran by one of the priests from the church issue. Oh, joy. And to complete this...joy of joys...he has a guitar. Great, all he needs is to play it under a tree and thus and the circle of douche bag is complete. Or at the very least, some stairs.

Speaking of circles, we go around one as we're introduced to people who have gotten married, from those that did it even before Fred & Wilma (Saying they've been for 30 miserable years) to a pair of youngin's who wanna know if marriage is for them. After the old guy warns the kids about misery marriage causes, the priest then asks Fred about what worries him about marriage.

And he gives an honest, heartfelt answer as asks if this means Wilma will love him forever, is he keeping her just so she doesn't find anybody else, or is there something to this being a “Bond” or is that all just an illusion. It's reflective, and it's something that many people in committed relationships, marriage or not, think about every once in awhile.

So, and this is the $60,000 question: “How do they screw it up?”

With no segway, the priest points to the main attraction of the retreat: ZIP LINNING! Oh yeah! After having my soul crushed by an honest internal examination, I wanna slide from 5 stories up!

Meanwhile, at Casa de Flintstone, the animal appliances are celebrating that the owners might not come back, saying things like “What's up, Appliance” and “Appliance please.”

Yeah...this is a slavery allegory, right down to calling Dino “Uncle Dino.” Where do I even begin in this? On the one hand, yeah, slaves were treated as property so I get why Mark Russle did this...on the other stop and think about this for the allegory: Dino is the family pet, and recycling appliances means you get spare meat.

This was written by the middle aged white guy who wrote a 14 year old girl elected to run the US via twitter, if you expect subtle, you've come to the wrong place.

As the appliances get back into position, due to it being pointed out the Flintstones would be back tomorrow, bowling ball opens the closet door and makes friends with the vacuum cleaner, bonding over what they are and what friendship means.

And, actually, the follow up DOESN'T screw it up, as it's actually about Carl Sagon at Bam Bam's and Pebble's school explaining why people need to be together and nobody wants to be alone, complete with a contrast that has Bedrock's citizens arguing with the mayor that marriage is wrong and they wanna go and deal with it themselves, only as a reaction to the Mayor saying “Guys, there's more important things to worry about,” making it actually funny.

So...and yes, if you're making this a drinking game, this is where you take a shot...how do they screw it up?

Back at the retreat, the young couple asks what the heck is the point of marriage and why they can't all just live together. The priest's responses asks if the wife wants the husband to support her when she's “Old and ugly,” while he then asks the husband if he'd prefer to know who the father of their baby would be. Because nothing says “Successful retreat” like the priest running the thing reminding you ether how lonely you'll be when you're old or your wife's a slut.

They then do an exercise that asks what would happen if their loved ones died, with the older bitter couple arguing about wills, the younger couple overacting, and Wilma wondering what to do as she never thought about it...to which the priest makes it WORSE by bringing up the possibility of what she'd do if Fred divorces her.

I don't think one of the mottoes of a marriage retreat should be “STOP HELPING ME!”

Mercifully, the angry mob shows up, ready to stop the pa---I mean “Kick the freaks out” when the priest jumps in and explains that everything around them is brand spanking new, from society as a hole TO marriage. Sure, it wasn't done when they were kids, but all they want is a chance for it to rise or fall without any pressure from people with a different opinion. In fact, he argues that over time, maybe they can all compromise or at least come up with a “Live and let live” situation.

And that right there is how you sum it all up. The other side of the issue might be scared because it's new and strange, which is probably why that one family member you know would join you in punching Nazis balked when he heard your two best friends of the same sex were getting married. Yes, there's assholes that stop it out of pure hate, but for now the comic focuses on those that are just stubborn I their traditionalist ways and I'm actually fine with that, other wise the trade I'm reading this from would BE issue 4.

Yeah, it'd be nice if they addressed those who stop gay and lesbian weddings out of hate, but the focus is mainly on those who don't understand why two men or two women would get married and, for now, I can live with that as it sums up both sides pretty well: You may not like it, but they want it so let it succeed or fail and, as long as you're not hurting anybody, you're free to agree or disagree.

Not only is this where you take a shot, but I'm telling you to down the whole freakin' bottle...

HOW THE HELL DO THEY SCREW THIS UP!?

It's at that moment, the moment the message is made clear, the moment the comic and it's writer take their stand, that Adam and Steve showed up saying they gave marriage a try...and the very priest that argued in favor of marriage said “No way, you can't do that.”

WHY!? Just...just...WHY!? You summed up the issue! You explained why those in the real world against gay marriage should give it a chance! Why do you need an actual gay marriage to drive home your message THAT USES TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE IN IT'S PLACE!? It not only undoes the joke, but it just drives home that this comic thinks you, the reader, are too stupid to understand that this is about gay marriage, so here's an actual gay marriage facing the very problems this comic was using a straight marriage to talk about moments ago.

Or simply put this comic is the asshole that keeps yelling “DID YOU KNOW THE SLED IN CITIZEN KANE BEING ON FIRE WAS A METAPHORE FOR LOST CHILDHOOD!?”

Fred and Wilma address the priest and explain that the reason they're defending Adam and Steve's right to marry...

JUST LIKE THIS COMIC BOOK DID!

...is because Fred points out that Adam and Steve took care of members of his tribe that were too young, ill, etc to do anything beyond hunting and gathering, thus respecting their right to get married is the right thing to, and least they can, do.

To which Adam and Steve replied they're gonna get married by the Unitarians.

...again saying Bedrock has more than one religion...

Fred and Wilma then talk about the experience, saying all they need is each other, and the issue ends with the Flintstones back home with Pebbles giving Dino some pets...and the appliances appalled, saying the two should get a room, because “Uncle Tom.”

Yeah, is there any reason I argued that the Hanna-Barbara Beyond line fails at doing the Vertigo formula?

The idea is there, using the modern stone age family as a lens to satire the 21st century, but the execution is under “HEY STUPID, DO YOU GET THIS!?” There was no need for Adam and Steve to face discrimination about getting married when the whole issue was about that only using a traditional marriage in it's place. This is like reading The Boy Who Cried Wolf and the final paragraph is “Oh, by the way, it's about...”

The other half of the book actually starts an ongoing subplot where the appliances get more and more disgruntled and are supposed to be a fill in for slaves. Yeah, think back to the “Assorted Meats” gag from an earlier issue and tell me you're not going “UUUUUUHHHHHHH” while shirt tugging. The only thing to take away from that part is the relationship forming between Vacuum Cleaner and Bowling Ball.

And if you're wondering if this'll lead to anything...eh, kinda sorta, I'll explain more when I review the final issue in a wrap up.

Back to the main topic at hand, if you ever wanted an example of a comic beating you over the head while shouting “YA GET IT, STUPID” over and over again, issue 4 is your comic and, yes, I had a Hell of a time trying to review this thing due to the two issues in it, slavery and gay marriage, being really hot button topics today, so all I can say I hope to God the next issue is a cake wal---

“BEDROCK THE VOTE!”

OH, FUCK ME!

FINAL VERDICT: For thinking you're an idiot they had to repeat the message twice, for deciding that the appliances are a slave allegory without thinking about the previous gags, this comic gets a SUPER MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! Wanna make the “Gay ol' time” joke? Wait until after the comic's done calling you stupid. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need something to dull the pa---FUCK ME!

B-Movie Bomb: Gas-s-s (Or We Had to Destroy The World In Order To Save It) (Spoilers, old review)

NOTE: As a bit of a bad movie geek, I'm well familiar with the works of Roger Corman from his iconic stuff such as Wasp Woman and the original Little Shop to stuff he only produced or had some hand in one way or another such as his Wasp Woman remake for Showtime's anthology "Roger Corman Presents."  The man could stretch a dollar and actually is viewed as a hero to most modern filmmakers on the grounds that he's one of the few that can get the creative control many wish they had.  This movie started out as such...only for half way through filming to have the (Then) 44 year old realize he's 44 years old and it went from connecting with the hippies to an old man shouting "GET OFF MY DAMN LAWN!"  Oh, and the writer?  3 years older than most of those involved in the hippy movement.

So, if the perspective goes from "If hippies ruled the world" to "Oh God, the hippies rule the world" and back, it's not me, it's a story by a 28 year old directed by a middle age "Damn kids" man.  Enjoy.

When crafting a story, you don't have to be the gender, age, or creed of the characters you're writing, you just have to write them as human. Not every body who writes a gay man is gay, not everybody who writes a white woman is a white woman, etc. That said, when you do write characters outside of who you are, especially on political and civil topics, keep in mind you are writing from a certain point of view for obvious reasons, namely you're not who you're writing.

But filming? Filming is the story from the POV of the director, meaning while you wrote one thing the director sees another or has another opinion about it. Myra Breckenridge went from being a satire on the state of Hollywood by Gore Vidal...to a satire on the state of Hollywood with rape being the centerpiece about how then modern manly men can't hold up a candle to the classics and all future rugged men are gonna be nothing but boys with the focus being on the act and not so much the message.

Yeah, is it any reason Vidal wrote a sequel book that took everything off the rails and was a non stop F-U to Hollywood?

That said, there are times where when you do want to do that you might wanna take a breath and think if that really is a good idea or just wait a bit to make sure nothing influences that thinking...like say a 44 year old making a movie about the hippie movement of the 60's and putting it to film just after the 60's ended ala Roger Corman and his last effort for American International, Gas-s-s...Or It Became Necessary To Destroy The World In Order To Save It.

I'd throw in the Mixed Up Zombies bit like when I did with my Civil War: Warzones review, but the title twisted most tongues already.

At first glance, Gas-s-s... does have a few things going for it, namely it's writer (George Armitage) was 28 around the time of the movie's release, so he was in someway part of the culture, directly or he can relate I have no clue...on the other hand Corman was 44 around that time and a b-movie director that didn't meet a pair of boobs he didn't say “No” to filming and had his own POV on the youth movement of the 60's. How do I know this? While I have no problems believing a member of said movement wrote stuff that was a middle finger to those running the country, said movie has a plot where a tribe of football players go around and rape women to the cheers of the local cheerleaders and that's supposed to serve as the answer to the army.

All because society crashed and the youth ruled the land. Yeah, I saw The Tribe when one of the Encore Networks actually tried back in the day, what's it say a kids show can do this same plot better with an even LESS budget?

The end result of the age gap is you have a writer who in the youth movement filmed by a director that thinks leaving the kids unsupervised will cause mass chaos. Not even kidding, Corman started becoming disillusioned with the youth movement shortly before filming. Any sane director would go to the studio or even the writer and go “Look, this isn't my opinion anymore, I'll help you find somebody that can do the movie justice,” but sane and Corman go together like honesty and a congressman.

So after an animated opening that explains the world gets screwed over thanks to the Government opening a chemical plant and mistaking a bottle of stuff that can kill people over 25 as champagne to crack open with...

Because you open buildings like ships, I guess.

We jump to a montage of a city on the go...then a hippie running around campus with a crossbow...right, a howler monkey did the editing, expect things to go nuts...

The hippie, later named Coel (Robert Corff) is running from the cops with his crossbow and decides to hide in a church, dressed as a priest and speaking with a horrible Irish brogue. Naturally, on the grounds that both the 28 year old writer and the 44 year old director agree that cops are stupid, the cop buys it to the point where he tries to see if he can get into confession...even though the brogue drops every now and then. Coel goes into the confession booth where he meets Cilla (Elaine Giftos) who worked with and under...

Remember, it's Corman.

...the guy who made the gas from the animated intro...which gets interupted when the cop says he has to confess that he's sin via beating people. This leads to the hippie telling the cop that his penace is to go to a Black Panther rally in Alabama and teach them bike riding. Dark, yet karmaticly funny. After a bit seeing people around them dying (After a bit where an HMO says a woman with no insurance has no hope, but the Medicaid one can be saved), we then jump to Cilla and Coel at a drive in, deciding the best thing they can do is toss random words out to mean sex as they get it on.

Oh, heaven help them if they skip the four play, I hear supercalafragilisticexpaladosious can knock you off your feet!

Fast forward to all the adults being dead and the two trying to get out of Dallas when they're captured by the goon squad of some sinny nobody that cashed in on the Apocalypse...that sounds like he was ADRed/dubbed by a 32 year old German...K. Turns out they need to see this guy to get the papers to leave Dallas...and they apparently do as the next scene has them leaving. Huh...given this is Roger Corman, I would've thought there'd be something at least tasteless doing this...oh well, let's jump to the next scene via jump cut and the sound of bullets to...the Texas School Book Depository and somebody pulling away...

Right...somebody wrote the script, but Corman's got the camera...

So then we see our...people we have met...driving down a high way full of wrecked and abandoned cars...and driving...and driving...and driving...to a library where they take books that nobody would read at the time...don't ask me who, I'm too young for the reference...and then proceed to screw...meaning throwing out MORE random words to substitute for sex as they have sex...which doesn't matter because they both shout out “Orgasim” in the end.

I'm guessing if this is the part Corman had a hand in creating, his mind was on “Gotta get out of AIP, no effort needed.”

This leads to...more freakin' driving... until they see a sign that says there's an Oracle...that's 851 miles...

Ok, pardon me from stealing from a Rifftrax Live show, but if I see a sign that says “Valley Lodge,” I'm leaving.

They get captured by a gang lead by a cowboy named Billy The Kid (George Armitage...yes, the guy who wrote this) who takes peoples cars and sells what he takes because he's a used car salesman. Get it? 'Cause they're all thieves, ha, ha. This causes them to run into the city on foot, play with some kids, and go into a record store commandeered by a couple, Marissa (Cindy Williams...you read that right) and Carlos (Ben Vereen...you read that right, too). She's in it for the music...he wants to shoot them on sight after Coel remarks the property value was going down.

Remember, Corman.

They also run into Hooper (Bud Cort) and Coralee (Talia Shire). After meeting them, Marissa goes on how the 60's where the music scene and...wait...this was filmed in 1969, released in 1970...just...just how much time passed between the opening and now? It couldn't be that long, they still look 25...and events still look too recent...WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

So they make a deal: The new guys help get the car back, our...people we have met...will give them a ride to a place in New Mexico they hear everybody's going to. This leads to a shoot out where...everybody shouts the name of famous Hollywood cowboy actors...and the names actually kill some of the people...

I...I don't know...

...and Coel kill Billy via calling out John Wayne. After they celebrate, they hear a motorcycle ridden by...Edgar Allan Poe (Bruce Karcher) and Lenore (Can't find who played her, sorry). And yes, this is supposed to be the same Edgar Allan Poe you're thinking of, because not only is he with Lenore, but there's a stuffed Raven on the bike.

And no, we get NO explanation as to how this is possible other than Roger Corman has a message via Poe, namely the hippies better watch it, or they'll get as corrupt as the adults that killed the world the last go around. I KNEW Zoobalee Zoo was up to no good!

Look, it was ether this I make the joke about the beer company Shirley worked at.

They get their car back, which means...yep, more frickin' driving. I've seen Shippuden filter that wasn't this long. All this leads to...a concert at a drive in. I'd skip this on the grounds it feels like a concert movie invaded this thing, until the singer says he's the new God and if not, may the real one speak up.

And He does... in a Jewish voice (Can't find who, sorry) saying somebody left their parking lights on. No...really...

This leads to Coel to hook up with a random girl and...they keep shouting “Arrowfeather” to each other...still trying to find what sex means I guess...while lazier Floyd and acid trips play on their body. After hooking back up with Cilla, who says the new word for sex he found can't be shared with them due to it being personal...

I guess one night stands are more important.

...we do a MERCIFULLY quick driving scene and jump to...oh God...

If you ever said “Hey, this is a hippie movie, where's the 'Military is bad, m'kay” moments?” Well, here we go...in the form of an invading High School/college varsity football team and marching band, where they invade a town for the purposes of rape, pillage, and destruction. And we're treated to a whole bit where the gang are forced to help the team train, including building house frames for them to knock down, teaching them how to hussle while stealing TVs, and the race to...rape...one of the women...

Roger Corman...Roger *BLEEP*ing Corman...

Oh, they don't do it...thank freakin' God...but it's enough.

And our...people we have met... feel the same way as they try to make a break for it. They jack a dune buggy and managed to out run the jocks, but before your brain can scream “NO MORE DRIVING,” they thankfully shorten the trip to an abandon construction site where...oh no...

And this is where the whole POV of the director thing comes in.

Turns out Marisa is ready to pop...and she looks and acts like she'd couldn't give two shits about it...so they lay her down while the guys go find a doctor (Alan Braustein)...who's the same age as them and is only a doctor to give stuff that wouldn't be 100% legal for docs to give for another two or three decades. Yeah...you can probably guess what's about to slam into the script's wall here. They take the doctor to her and the doctor...freaks out and panics because, surprise, he's mainly a doctor so the kids can get their buzz and real responsibility freaks him the Hell out.

While all that goes on, Cilla gets kidnapped and taken to a different construction site where her kidnappers argue over who's gonna rape her...until she says she should have her choice of who's gonna go first and picks one of 'em. There's only so many times I can say *BLEEP*ing Corman. Turns it doesn't happen because...she talks until they get so bored, they decide not to do it.

Ha... ha... ha...ha-ha-ha?

Going back to the previous paragraph for a bit, ignore the whole spiel about the doc---NAME ME ONE FLOWER POWER LOVE CHILD THAT WANTED TO KILL A BABY WHEN IT WAS TOO LATE TO HAVE AN ABORTION!

Sure, some of them were probably stupid/naive enough to believe it's no big deal, they can go right through it, but that's more the mind set of youth than the movement. Top it all of, she looks 6 to 9 months pregnant. A BIT LATE FOR AN ABORTION! And this is the problem of having somebody who's disconnected/disillusioned with the hippie movement directing a satire of the hippie movement, namely we're seeing this from the POV of somebody who's idea over filming of said movement is “Damn irresponsible kids, get off my lawn.”

I don't know what the original script had, nor I think will anybody other than the writers on the ground that this whole thing was re-written on the fly multiple times while filming...and by God does that show...with Corman putting his disconnected hands in it like he does with most of his projects. What could've been a dark satire of what happens when the era of peace, love, and rock & roll inherit the Earth in one of the most turbulent decades it had turns into a middle aged man shouting at the top of his lungs that these kids are freakin' screw ups and are this close to making it worse as it goes on.

Bet you said to yourself you got as sick of those driving montages like I was, right? Good! Because we now have a WALKING montage, complete with the gang playing in a scrapyard full of World War II bombers. Gotta make this movie length somehow, huh Corman? They come across a Texas Ranger who dresses them down...until they point out they're in New Mexico, causing him to realize that's why he's not effective and high tails it back to Texas.

This is why you never take directions from Ryoga Hibiki, people.

This convinces our...people we have met...to dress more mainstream and conformist so they don't scare people away. Why? Because we need our set up for GOLF to be a symbolism for war! Yeah, couldn't get enough of that through the football players and their actions? Well, how about, as Mark Twain once called it, a “Good walk spoiled” taken over by a biker gang...that talks like they're the clean cut rich guys that usually run places like that when they're introduced...

*THUD* OW! OW! UNSUBTLE THUD HURT ME! OW!

This leads to a bit where the gang is forced by the biker's leader (Lou Procopio) to do various odd jobs around the club as Carlos meets Ginny (Jackie Farley) and they both decide to bolt along with the others, save for Melisa who decides to stay because she found a juxbox and thus it means it's the best place for her and the ba...by...wait...she's still pregnant? But...earlier she was about to pop...that whole thing with the doctor...wait, that wasn't an abortion, that was her actually telling her body/baby “I'm good, wait several more weeks/months?” That's...that's... that's not... I need a minute...

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

Ok, I'm nack to bormal.

…

*HEADDESK*

Back to normal.

They leave, complete with the truck from the book depository from WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY back in act one with them for some reason, only for the truck to disappear when they get into one of the back 9 thus calling for the bikers to launch golf balls at them as if they were bombs complete with sound effects. If this wasn't enough to drive home...again... “War is bad, m'kay,” the bit with a bikers turns into this really obnoxious reenactment of Patton being kicked out of the Korean War, only with the war terms replaced with golf ones.

I'm a freakin' pacifist and even I'm going “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

Thankfully, I don't have to shout that for the walking as we see, after the...people we have met... see a sign that says they're closer to the Oracle, the gang stumbles on to a property full of Army surplus supplies AND Coralee wants to get it on with Hooper! Things are looking u---BWA-HAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Remember, Roger Corman!

Sure enough, turns out she ate enough food to literally explode. This is not a metaphor, I don't mean the belt on her pants, I mean she actually went boom from eating too much, right down to the sound effects. I just stopped asking questions at this point, I'm already six pages in to this thing. Hooper says he wants to be alone and wonders off to points unknown as the rest of the...people we have met...

Yeah, have they done anything for me to call them anything outside of the Red Dwarf reference?

...take some farm equipment and continue the journey with the truck from earlier back and following. I'd comment on that, but this leads to the return of Edgar Allen Poe and Lenore, observing the gang and remarking that they're close to making the world as messed up as it was before, but she thinks they have a better chance of fixing it. This causes Poe to remark Usher was warned about his path and that even creators can lose patients, leading to God replying “Don't I know it.”

In other words, Corman going “Damn hippies.”

After calling an operator for a joke about wondering where the phone operator was when people were still around...

Ha...hahaha...ha...hahaha?

...the...people we have met... run into a tribe of Native Americans who use the state the new world to take America back and give back the stereotype stuff based on them we put out over the years, including blankets made in Japan. Get it? Get it, huh!? Get it!? GET IT!? GEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTTT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!?

The truck vanishes before that, btw. Yeah, I don't know ether.

The gang then find the spot they were supposed to...only for it to be a rock saying “There is no answer, but keep going.” Or to put in my generation's terms, the princess is in another castle. They eventually find a commune...along with the truck popping in then popping out again...and meet it's leader who looks like if Woody Allen were part of the Woodstock generation right down to the nervous ticks. The gang decides it perfect and start their new lives.

And what kind of lives can our...people we have met...have? Well, Coel becomes an elementary teacher and his first topic is hallucinogens, namely how a pill caused people to see movies in their mind thus turning studios into drug pushers...even though it was funnier when one of the students said it was the other way around...anyway, we also see Cilla having such protein deficiency, she remembers running through the meat fields, and Carlos and Ginny become a family.

Well, too much good things, time for the other shoe to drop! And boy howdy does it as the football team finds the commune, this leads to the commune deciding if they wanna arm themselves...or be better fascists than the football team by talking to them. ...wait, what? Whatever, if that's the most confusing thing about this, I'll take it. The team meets with the commune and reveal that Hoop is...a...member...wait...WHAT!? But...but...but...butbutbut... GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

ERROR! ERROR! REBOOT! REBOOT!

Let's just finish this up as quick as I can, there's only six mercifully short minutes left.

They try to deal with the football team, seeing as they want fruits and veggies: They hunt and raise cattle, the commune will give them what they want. Well, the leader says they've come too far, they give them a deadline of 20 minutes to surrender or put up a fight. Coel comes up with an idea and that's...put a kid in a ref's uniform and the rest of the commune in Red Cross helmets. And...it works. Turns out the team has standards and refuse to fire on or hurt anybody that's under the Red Cross.

If that wasn't enough, a wind intervenes as it blows Hooper's hat towards somebody he kept an eye on through the time there and decides he no longer needs the football team after all. Coel says this is a sign, and the team leader remarks he's still gonna fight, causing God to strike the peace sign between the commune with lightning, asking “How's that for a sign!?”

...very confusing on the grounds it was lightning hitting the peace symbol...

Well, this was enough to cause the band who was trying to escape via tunnel from the first encounter with the team to pop up with EVERYBODY our...people we have met...encountered over time...including some that were bad gu---whatever, let's just wrap this up.

Everybody parties, we finally get an answer to that damn truck as inside is...Abe Lincoln, Ghandi, JFK, Castro, and Martin Luther King Jr...all driven by...Alfred E. Newman...

*THUD* OW! OW! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

And it all ends with Lenore asking if the kids will make the world as it once was, with the raven saying “Nevermore.” And no, this wasn't Corman's idea for an ending, in fact this edit is why he left AIP in the first place. Editing as a whole went NUTS on this thing under studio orders, including removing the original ending that had 300 people looking to the sky as God had a final message. What was it? We don't know, AIP dropped that ending in favor of a mega happy ending because they, according to Corman, didn't like God's final message.

Probably “Oy vey” if He saw the same stuff I did.

This was a satire of the youth taking over America written by a then 28 year old from the POV of a then 44 year old man who was losing all faith in the hippie movement said youth was in. Uneven? Oh yeah. For every moment that comes off as said youth's response to violence, there's moments where the director is shouting “Damn hippies, get off my lawn.” Stuff like a character stuck in the 60's or even the alternative words to screw, that sounds like a response from somebody in the flower power era; a football team making rape a sporting event in the middle of an anti-war alagory, that sounds like a paranoid middle age man, the whole picture is like this.

And before you say “Oh, how much control can a director have over the writer on this thing,” two things: This is Roger Corman and this was constantly re-written on the fly with him having his hand in it as shooting was going on.

Corman has a LOT of creative control on his movies, that's how he's always rolled and was able to make his movies with the budget he had. Top it all of, not only was Gas-s-s a thought he himself had, but the script was constantly re-written on the fly as the movie went on shooting, so you have a mix of somebody who is 3 years older (At the time) than our leads writing a satire on the hippie movement with a 44 year old director (At the time) getting further and further away from agreeing with the generation responsible for the Summer Of Love. Never a good combination.

Uneven writing, uneven editing, characters that aren't exactly compelling leads, confusing jokes, stuff that is never explained (Bad editing or not)...this movie maybe called Gas-s-s, but it's anything but.

FINAL VERDICT: For uneven writing, uneven filming, horrible editing (Most of which was the studio), characters that aren't exactly compelling, unsubtle satire and/or messages, and not really aging well, this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB. Tune in, turn on, brain fried. Now if you'll excuse me, I heard the voice of God...and I left the lights on again.