Ok, so...I make an American Surfing movie. I use American Surfers on American Surfing Beaches to make my American Surfing movie. I have American Surfing lingo, I have modern American Surfboards, and I even have a few American Surf champs cameo. I make my movie, it's a hit all over the world, a country offers to remake it and...
It becomes something about, and marketed to, European businessmen, with the plot and the culture intact despite no surfing what so ever.
Ok, the example might be a bit off, but you see where I'm going with this? Why keep something from another culture intact when you're NOT remaking it or adapting it for that culture? SOMEBODY should've told the people behind the American remake of Shall We Dansu, Shall We Dance, this.
When you adapt a property from another part of the world, some changes have to be made or it won't work. It doesn't matter if it gets acclaimed over here, if you don't change it for the country you're making it for, you're doomed from the word “Adapt.” Politics in France, for example, are very different than they are in America, but if you make it about the American political system vs. drag queens and a gay father trying to help his son's relationship to a Republican's daughter, La Cage Aux Follies becomes The Birdcadge.
You can keep the plot, you just have to change the jokes.
But a character study involving a taboo that doesn't exist in the country you're remaking it for? You can't, not without any MAJOR changes. They did with the American Shall We Dance, and there's a reason I have a gag reflex when it comes to this movie, twitch and all.
The original Shall We Dansu was a character study about a Japanese businessman with a great family and a successful life, but feeling very empty. One day, at the train station, he sees a beautiful woman looking out of the window of the local dance studio and signs up at said studio. At first, even to him, it looks like he did it for the obvious reason, even taking the classes for, again, the obvious reason even after getting the older teacher instead of the woman. However, overtime, he starts to realize it wasn't being near the woman that made him feel good again, it was the ballroom dancing.
One problem: At least in 90's Japan, when the original takes place, it's taboo for men to do Western ballroom dancing because of one of two reasons: You either turn in your man card, or it's just an excuse to grab some butt. 'No, no, you're not there just to cop a feel, you're totally trying to learn the two step. *WINK*WINK*'
The result is that the guy not only has to hide what's giving him the sense of joy he's been missing lately from his coworkers, but his family, too.
Now...how do you think that applies to America, where no such taboo exists.
Yeah...some of you know where it's gonna go...which is why if you hit that back button, I understand. This is the disclaimer, right now, the movie has offensive language and a certain word I will not type in this review, but if you are still offended, do not continue and hit the back button. If it's no problem, here we go.
So, the movie opens in Chicago with narration from our main character, John Clark (Richard Gere), who sounds, and looks, empty as he's going over his job, which involves making wills for rich people. He has a good life, the movie makes it clear he loves his family and they love him, and he's feeling empty because...well...that's all he has. He doesn't hang out with his friends after work, his family do other things most of the time when he gets home, and he just keeps going through the motions. I gotta admit, it does a great job showing him a loving family man with a good job but feeling like something else is missing, so that's at least one part of the original this thing got right.
Also, suddenly I think after saying that, you can move the Winter Classic to Hell.
From time to time, he sees out the window of the dancing studio the train passes a pretty woman (Jennifer Lopez) and it gets him thinking, and it makes it look like the obvious. Even going so far as to look up the school online...but he has to keep it down or his wife, Bev (Susan Surandan) will hear the music! GASP!
...wait, why is this a secret? Wait, again, she's in bed. You could've just said you were looking up music to listen to before bed.
Oh, wait, I'm applying logic to this thing, my bad.
One night, he sees the lady is not at the window and this causes him to go to the dance school itself, where he runs into another woman, Bobbie (Lisa Ann Walter), heading up to the studio with a whole bunch of costumes and props...and quickly remarks for him not to look at her ass. Classy. They both go in and he's introduced to the woman from the window, Paulina. Realizing what the Hell he's done, instead of just simply saying he's there to watch, which the sign on the door says it's ok, he signs up for dance.
Yeah...don't you just hate it when you make googly eyes at a woman you were staring from afar and when she gets up close, you just HAVE to dance. It's like not makes you a creep or something!
He signs up, forgetting that the class he signed up starts the day he signed up, thus feeling obligated and trapped as he and two other students, Vern (Omar Miller), and Chic (Bobby Canavale)...and the minute you hear Chic go “I'm here for the babes,” you know where this is gonna go...oh God, you know where this is gonna go...
So, of course, minute Vern and Chic see the girls that might be interested, they put on their best “I'm desperate” looks...and drive the potential customers away. At this point, I think it should be in their student contracts “I will not seduce anybody” and this part of the movie just started. Eventually, the class gets to work with the studio's owner, Ms. Mitzi (Anita Gillette). Of course, while the two guys are actually doing their job...and Mitzi keeps hitting the bottle...John's looking at Paulina, leading him to slip on prop sticks made to help simulate holding partners.
Because that's what you came here for, right? To oogle at J-Lo and laugh at Richard Gere falling on his ass. What's a character study?
Everybody goes to have dinner and gets to know each other and...yeah, it's another positive I have to say about the film, everybody's got great chemistry. I can totally by that this was actually everybody eating together and the cameras just happened to be rolling. Everybody's having fun with each other, the teasing and jokes are legit, and they seem to be happy to be there.
If you expect a “Maybe I was wrong” joke, no. I'm not gonna dignify this movie with that, and we'll get to why in a bit.
While there, Bobbie spills that the reason Paulina's there is because word has it that she hooked up with her dance partner during a contest in Europe and it went South, so she went back to Chicago to be window can---I mean teach. We then get a montage of John and the others dancing, complete with Chic making homophobic remarks for reasons I shouldn't say because you should know hack writing 101. The interesting part is that this show's he's still looking at Paulina, so part of you thinks the obvious reason he signed up, and Gere's performance makes you think he thinks he signed up for the obvious reason.
But being good can only go so far if you have the right message...and oh God, do they screw up the message.
After the montage, we jump to John's family life and when the daughter (Tamera Hope) remarks that he seems happier, this raises alarms in Bev's head. GASP! How dare he be happy in this marriage! This, of course, leads to sometime later when she's at her job and a co-worker thinks her husband is having an affair, causing her to be alarmed...but fuel the denial as she tries to convince the co-worker that whispering at the phone means nothing.
We'll get back to that.
We then jump to another night in dance class as John actually spots a co-worker of his in a bad rug on his head, Link (Stanley Tucci), and when the truth comes out thanks to a well timed near cat fight between Bobbie and Link's partner...now we get to the crutch of the problem in keeping the taboo for a country that doesn't have it.
As mentioned before, when you have to adapt something from another country, things from one to another are different. The movie version of Rhinoceroses, for example, was based on a French play of the same name and about people turning into Rhinos as a form of fascism sweeping the land. Well, since America around that time didn't have that fear, they had to change it to the Republican party to keep the message intact. At the time, it was subtle as a brick.
And while I don't think being one party or another makes you evil (Being evil does that), there's no denying that time was more kind on moments like when one of the characters kissed a painting of Nixon in the middle of his transformation.
So, how does a remake of a movie where the taboo is “Businessmen take ballroom dancing for perverted reasons/must turn in their man card” for a country where not only is it NOT taboo, but was one year away from one of the biggest reality shows on TV?
So, how do they cover the taboo? Simple, businessman takes ballroom=gay.
And I'm sorry for that sentence, I am.
Yeah...Link has to keep his mouth shut or they start calling him gay, but says John is in the clear because everybody likes him and doesn't like Link, thus if it comes out he da---
I'm not finishing that. I'm older than a third grader and have actual class, I'm not finishing that sentence. When you have to over-correct for a taboo with something REALLY offensive, that's it. Game over. You had no business to remake this thing if you couldn't fix what needed to be, namely getting rid of the taboo. And it's simple, too. An example is a jock with all the “I AM MAN” fixings from a man cave to several grilling trophies finds that he has to take ballroom to regain some movement in his legs, sees the hot instructor and thinks he's signing up for more classes to get a chance with her, only to find he actually likes it. And you wanna keep the whole “He has to keep it a secret” thing? Make it so people question if he changed his opinion on ballroom, since he bad mouthed it before, and leave it at that. Get a good chuckle and have somebody remark “Somebody was listening when you said that” and bam.
But, no, we have to go for the lowest common and offensive denominator. There's a reason whenever I see a poster of this version, I have a gag reflex, especially since the original movie did this so much better.
And no, there's no reason John has to keep it a secret other than plot, thus we come right back to a concept I mentioned in the Cats review, par for the stupid.
Par for the stupid is when a stupid movie has a stupid character do a stupid for a stupid reason; A stupid thing happens because the script says so; A stupid thing happens purely to only advance the film.
Feel free to pick the definition, each applies, as John...
A. Keeps it from his wife because he's embarrassed for some reason.
B. Keeps it from his wife because the original movie had his Japanese counterpart hide it because of a taboo that doesn't apply in America.
C. Keeps it from his wife because if she knew, we wouldn't have a plot.
Sure enough, the coworker sometime later says her and her husband are getting a divorce because he met somebody in a chatroom...about gardening. I feel like I just described a Spring Hallmark Christmas movie. This convinces Bev to see a detective, Devine (Richard Jenkins) and his sidekick, Scott (Nick Cannon) to investigate why her husband is coming home late at night on Wednesdays...again, in a country where dudes doing ballroom is not taboo.
This is like remaking Farewell, My Concubine only having one of the characters be a woman, not just known for playing one.
Meanwhile, Link takes John to a rival dance studio, complete with Mitzi there to check out how they do their business, to show him “Real ballroom dancing.” Oh, thank God! I thought the stuff we saw earlier was fake! He gets talked into dancing with Mitzi to “Shall We Dance” from The King And I, until they bump into Link after he strikes out on the dance floor, complete with getting called out on his fake orange tan.
Insert your own joke, folks.
After seeing the detective watching this play out, we jump to a few nights later and Paulina is filling in for Mitzi teaching the class, causing the three guys to have to wipe the drool off after John suggests they work on the waltz. The movie does a good job of showing how nervous both parties are and making you, and John, think the obvious reason why. If there's one thing this movie gets 100% right outside of the chemistry between the actors, it's this. I'll touch on more with the revelation later, but half the fun of the original Shall We Dansu was playing with expectations, with the character of John both from the viewer's standpoint and his.
Of course, this good will is shattered when in the next moment, Billie tries to hit on Scott, when Scott remarks that he likes 'em “Built for speed.” Of course, because Billie doesn't know what “I'm working” means AND she's, as the Tropes call, “Hollywood pudgy,” she tries her damnest to get Scott to dance, leading her to spill her dinner she was in the middle of eating all over Paulina's jacket on the couch.
You know, every time I think I'm hard on this movie, stuff like this happens.
This leads to a...really awkward conversation between John and Paulina, on purpose, as he tries to break the ice, offering to help with the stain. Of course, he tries to ask her for dinner, which leads to her calling out his reasons for signing up, namely if he did for real...or to do his own private tango with her in the sheets. All of this is seen by the detective, who tells Beve the next day what's going on...and she freaks the Hell out on the grounds that...gasp, he wanted to do something different!
Did I mention that the reason the husband in the 1996 JAPANESE MOVIE MADE IN JAPAN had to hide it from his family because they would either think he has to turn in his man card or it was free boob and butt grabbing thanks to A JAPANESE CULTURAL TABOO THAT WAS AT LEAST IN 1996!?
So, yeah, John gets called out for the reason he signed up and stops going...until he sees his son, Evan (Stark Sands), and meets the girl he's dating at a dance club. Seeing the two dance, and being asked to dance by one of his friends made him realize just WHY he signed up in the first place, namely it wasn't Paulina, it was the fact that he had fun and LOVES it.
And that's the thing I said this movie gets 100% right. Both this and the original movie framed it up to this point that the lead wanted to sign up for class to be near the woman in the window, even he thought that and both versions were written as such. It really helps that both of them show some subtle hints of the fun part, such as dancing while in his desk chair, while framing it as “Will he cheat on his wife” for the audience.
But, again, all this good will only goes so far when you screw up the message. And the remake screws it up completely by changing the taboo into “Dancing is so gay...”
No joke, btw, I winced writing that.
...just to keep the taboo elements of the plot in. I'll give some credit, so far early in this film we haven't heard a certain word that rhymes with “Bag,” but it comes with a...uh...but: That conversation Link had earlier saying he could get away with ballroom if he was gay. Your good will only goes so far when you whiplash back with a stereotype.
Back to the movie trying to be the original as Billie has the freak out her Japanese counterpart had when Vern starts sweating to the ballroom, causing her to snap and faint dead on the floor. Turns out she's actually DEHIDRATING herself dancing so many hours after the jobs she's had to PAY for all her costumes and dancing.
Or for those that speak nerd, that one person in a convention line that keeps telling his/her body “I don't need water, shut up” right before the ambulance comes in.
After leaving her to heal and catching a dance movie on TV, John gets drafted to be Bobbie's ballroom partner and he, naturally, freaks the heck out. He then monologues, via voice over, about clients keeping their mouths shut leading him to being good at keeping his own secrets, hinting that he's not...ready...to share his...love of ball...
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This movie was one year before Dancing With The Stars aired in the US, we've had movies like Strictly Ballroom decades BEFORE this one, and I assure you, your loved one does wanna go out every once in a blue moon in a fancy get up, dolled up, wants to do the same to you, AND DANCE TO ROGERS AND HAMMERSTEIN OR OTHER BALLROM GENRE SONGS AND ARTISTS! I have to stress, once again, the Japanese taboo only works in, at least, 1996 Japan BECAUSE IT WAS A 1996 JAPANESE TABOO!
It makes NO SENSE for an American in 2005 to go “Oh God” unless the comedy was “Now the guy who bad mouthed dancing his whole life” was in the plot and it was a personal stake, NOT a taboo.
A good example of this is The Cutting Edge, where circumstances forced a hockey player to be a partner for a figure skater. But because he's 'Macho hockey manly man' jerkass, he doesn't like it until he...well...learns to via the determination both he and his partner develop. But, you know why that works over this? There's a sports culture clash, macho hockey vs. girlie figure skating.
That is not here. They treat the Japanese taboo like it still applies, but since it really can't, it goes for the offensive stereotyping and name calling.
And because John wants to keep his dancing to himself...
(Waits for reader to stop hitting his/her head on a wall)
...Bev meets up with the detective again to withdraw her services since she knows what's really going on and sounds happy that John has his own hobbies and will respect 'em.
Keep that in mind, it will hurt later. By God, it will hurt later.
So, naturally, Bobbie and John have trouble getting in sync, so here comes J-Lo to grab Walter to entice all the men that took their da---I mean Paulina to grab Bobbie to entice all the men took their dat---I mean Paulina to grab Bobbie to clearly show John how to dance like she was a lover! CLEARLY, the intent! CLEARLY!
Yeah, if you think that counters replacing the taboo with a negative stereotype, nope.
Yeah, do I even need to follow up with the joke that they're still treating that Link is “In the closet,” right down to John finding an outfit that was altered to fit him...from his mother's collection?
Pardon me for a minute.
(Stops review to scream in pillow)
I feel better.
(Sees there's still more movie)
(Stops review to scream in pillow)
Eventually, John convinces Link and Bobbie to work together while Mitzi informs Vern, who's good in Latin, and Chic, because he has “A unique sensuality uncommon in a man...”
GET IT!? HUH!? GET IT!? GET IT!? HUH!? HUH!? THE SAME REMARK THAT BULLY THAT SAW YOU HELP YOUR SISTER WITH THE TEA PARTY, GET IT, HUH!? HUH!?
No lie, this is ALMOST right up there with An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn with the only difference being that one was offensive on purpose.
...thus signed 'em up with the same contest as John and Bobbie. Leading to...more dancing! I don't think Strictly Ballroom had this much dancing montages. At least when we saw those in the original Shall We Dansu, we felt the lead's happiness and freedom, thus we have a reason TO have so many. But, again, this is an American remake that tried to carry over a taboo plot point for a taboo that America doesn't have.
I will say this, though, I love the music used for the montage. It's really good and upbeat.
But, we have to keep to the original movie, so it's time for the part where Paulina spills out her origin story when clearing up the mishap that started the whole 'My God, I love dance' reveal for John. Long story short, while helping her family with their dry cleaning business, she was handling a ballroom dress and the owner offered an invite to see her show as a thank you for the family's hard work, and thus fell in love with ballroom dance. John then says she's why he wanted to dance, namely he saw her at the dance studio's window and saw her outside emotions looked like how he felt on the inside.
Ok...that did come off a little creepy in the original Japanese, too.
And he talks about how dancing makes him happy, excited, blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry, this is a touching scene and all...except it was done better in Japan because he had a reason to hide the activity that makes him feel alive. Here, in America, he's hiding it just because the Japanese movie said so, so it kinda impairs the whole thing when he's describing how it fills the void in him. Buddy, you admitted to yourself ages ago that you're not taking the course to bang the ex-dancer, you love it! Why not share this with your wife and family? The fact that you're making your wife think you've been cheating on her doesn't mean ballroom makes you feel alive, IT MEANS YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE!
Once again, the taboo in the original Japanese version is either you turn in your man card or there for free grabbing; Western Ballroom dancing, in 1996 at least, was frowned upon for those very reasons. Therefor, he had higher stakes if it came out to not only his family, but his co-workers, and even the public, if it was revealed that he took classes, let alone loves it. So, it make no sense for John to keep his mouth shut in the US version because, AGAIN, there is no such taboo. But, no, we need an excuse for him to say he's nervous so he can do yet ANOTHER dance montage, this time with Paulina in the studio...with the lights out...
...uh...are we sure they both concluded that he's here for the dance?
Seriously, this kinda feels like they were both training AND getting rid of whatever sexual tension was left over. It's a good sequence, but...well...yeah, no denying how steamy it can get.
And, once again, John says nothing about the contest as his wife...suddenly looks like she's worried about her marriage...
And no, we're not to the part that's gonna hurt yet.
But almost as we jump right to the contest, we even see that Vern's fiancee is his dance partner...
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
...and Chic won't shut up about how hot the women there are as he introduces John to his dance partner...and her brother, the guy he says they met playing basketball together. And if you know what type of subplot this is, say it with me folks...
Uuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I don't know what's more stupid and insulting, Link saying he wishes he was gay so he can get away with dancing, or Chic being a stereotype in the closet with hints of stuff you'd only find in women.
So, we go to the first dance, where we find out that it's a cutthroat cont---BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ok...ok...I know it's a respective sport, but these people take it WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY too seriously, as two of the contenders in the Latin dance try to cheat RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE JUDGES as they mess with Link's bad hairpiece.
To be fair, I kinda root for the cheaters, that thing is ugly.
Finally, Billie's had enough and tells Link to lose the rug by the next round, actually giving him even MORE self confidence to dance in front of everybody and leading to him and Billie winning the Latin part of semi-final. Ok, out of all the things to actually follow from the movie, I'm actually glad they kept this one AND the two actors, Lisa Ann Walter and Stanly Tuci, were a good call in the casting department. I don't know if they saw the original movie, but they at least understood what their plot means and why it was important for the overall story.
Just wish they didn't have to pull the “I wish I was gay to get away with this” bit.
Finally, it's time for the ballroom part of the show as Billie changes into a ballroom gown for her dance with John...and just in time for his family to unknowingly show up to watch.
Ok...I'm gonna...ONCE A FREAKIN' AGAIN...make it clear on why, despite some of the praise, the movie is being reviewed.
In Japan, Western Ballroom dancing is (Or at least was, the original movie was in 1996) viewed as one of two things to the general public when it comes to men, especially businessmen: You either turn in your man card or you are there for the free hug-n-grab. That is why the original characters that became John and Link had to keep their hobby on the down low; it gets out, they lose face/embarrass themselves, family included.
And to be 100% crystal clear...
WE DO NOT HAVE THAT TABOO IN AMERICA!
And if it's a “He wants a private thing that's his own...uh...thing,” that's fine...but there's gonna be a par for the stupid spot in a moment that exists only because they wanna keep so close to the original film...despite the original character study being centered around something that we Americans really don't have a problem with.
And yes...it will hurt...it will hurt OVER 9000!
They get started with the waltz, with both John and Chic's teams doing great, leading up to the quick step...until Billie points out she heard somebody yelling “Go dad,” causing his nerves to jump a bit...then he finally hears his kid shouting it, causing the two to bump into another dancer and John to barley save Billie from falling on to the floor...but ripping her dress in the process off.
Now, in the original, this was impactful not just because of how embarrassed the partner got when her butt was shown to the public, but when the husband realized he got found out and had to explain and the two had a reasonable, calm, and realistic discussion on why he took it, leading him to withdraw from dancing for awhile, because he was embarrassed and sorry that he caused his wife mental distress.
And you remember earlier in this version, the wife was chill with the dancing? And how I said what would happen will hurt? Well, we gotta keep this thing as close to the original as possible, PAR FOR THE STUPID SHALL NOT BE DENIED!
It turns out Bev is NOT happy that John kept his mouth shut, acts like HE'S the bad guy, and that dancing, hand to God, was the equivalent of having an affair.
Now, to be fair, the wife in the Japanese version actually said the same thing...but, again, the taboo comes in effect, so while she knows he didn't (And wouldn't) have one, it still felt like one because, again, the taboo.
But because America has no such taboo, par for the stupid says Bev is the biggest idiot on the planet, as she legit thinks John keeping his own interest, namely the dancing, is the same damn thing. And before anybody asks, the only reason this exists is because it was in the original movie. That's it, they actually had her be understanding early in the second act, but now she's an idiot that thinks the two step is the horizontal mambo, right down to asking...
Not even kidding.
… “What the Hell was that out there” about the dance contest.
You know... La Cage Aux Follies had to change a few things over here to be The Birdcage, namely the politics, because if The Birdcage stuck to the original movie as much as Shall We Dance is with Shall We Dansu, everything would either go over most American's heads, or wouldn't work because politics in France, and most of Europe, are very different in America. Why they couldn't do that for Shall We Dance, I have no Earthly clue. But, this goes to show that despite some good will, all it takes is one wrecking ball to knock down the house.
Eventually, John answers that he wanted more in life than what was, by appearances, making him happy already, thus is why she was left out of the loop. And, again, the taboo in Japan is why that happened in the original, this is just the American version trying to stay as close to the script as possible despite NO TABOO!
So, after the truth comes out, turns out John gave up dancing because...well, par for the stupid says we gotta stick to the original. Eventually, Link's hobby comes out...and the gay jokes follow.
Excuse me again.
(Screams into a pillow again)
Naturally, John shouts “HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAY” figuratively when he has to shout that there's nothing wrong with ballroom, causing Link to come out and grab one of the women at work, putting some of the dance moves and then leaving with a “Football sucks” quote. Yeah...do I need to mention the woman, despite accepting his hand, looked scared out of her mind?
Do I also need to mention the back half of that paragraph didn't happen in the Japanese original...because...AGAIN...the woman looked scared out of her flippin' mind!?
(Screams into a pillow again)
Link and Billie try to talk John into coming back and he says he's done with dancing, which is when Link reveals that Paulina is going to England to enter a dancing contest there and invites him to join the farewell party, complete with a note from Paulina herself. He then reads the note as it reveals what happened in her past, namely due to pushing each other in the last contest she was in, her and her dance partner (Who she was with romantically, too) lost and called it quits, thus causing her to hide in Ms. Mitzi's in Chicago.
Ah, the “Hide in a dance studio above the L” phase of the break-up, a true tragic classic.
Turns out seeing John and Billie out there inspired her to get her butt back in the dancing game...and convinces him not to, despite Bev saying “Well, you could teach me to dance...”
…
Eh, eh, free hug-n-grab!
…
What the Hell has this movie done to me?
He then reveals that the reason he never told was because he didn't wanna tell her he wasn't happy sometimes and risk hurting her feelings because making her happy was one of the few things that made him happy.
Got it? Good, now read that back to me because I got lost on the 3rd happy.
Because this is an American production of a Japanese movie, we gotta have the resolution be as schmaltzy as possible, so John finds a tux and new shoes from Bev, with permission to go to the party, to the song “The Book Of Love.” It's a good song, but...man, is this schmaltzy. John eventually sees a message on the L on the way home outside the studio, asking for a dance, causing him to realize that he did indeed love to dance...again.
Yeah, that's how they did it in the original, too...and both were pretty good.
However, there's one difference as John has one quick stop before the good-bye party, and that's Bev's work to give her a moment to show her what he learned, complete with tux, a rose, and...yeah... “The Book of Love” still playing. Again, good song, good chemistry between Gere and Surandan...but it's so sweet and schmaltzy, I'm getting a cavity.
Eventually, he does make it to the party...
Wait, where in Chicago is this party if they can go from the L to Macy's and make it to said party for the final song, “Shall We Dance?”
Whatever, let's just wrap this up. We then get a montage of where everybody's lives are after the events of the movie...
-Vern and his wife get hitched and use the moves he learned to light up the dance floor...literally, there's a spot lot following them...after they said their “I do's.”
-Mitzi finds...somebody in her life...ok, was not aware that was a plot but...yes, that was a plot.
-Chic...yeah, do I need to mention his bit is in a gay night club where he's jumping like a fish needing oxygen while club music is at war with the song “Dance With Me?”
-Link and Billie make it official as the two practice in their apartment.
-Pauline is dancing in the contest in Blackpool, later that year according to a caption we really didn't need.
All though, I've been sitting through this thing, so my IQ points did drop...
-John and Bev...well, see Link and Billie minus the bad rug.
-The detective sneaks in to take a class at Mitzi's.
-And we see that Mitiz's school is FINALLY full of more than just the regulars, causing John to smile on his way home...and me to smile as this thing comes to a MERCIFUL end.
I'd joke this would be like remaking 47 Ronin with the supernatural and an American as the hero...BUT THEY ACTUALLY DID THAT!
In all seriousness, this is a prime example on how one major thing can impact a movie in a negative way. There's some good will in this movie, from the chemistry of everybody involved to some of the dance numbers, there's stuff I actually like in this thing...but then you factor in that since America doesn't have the taboo Japan has, the movie goes for the lowest and most offensive acts it could do: The gay stereotype. If you can't carry over something from the original country, don't carry it over from the original country. Hell, make it just about events leading up to the dance contest! You can still call it Shall We Dance, as you keep 90% of what made it work, you'd still have two people who were empty feeling fulfilled, you'd just be missing why he's hiding it.
Yeah, that's an important part of the original movie...but that's because the movie was in a country where he HAD to hide it! Again, if your country doesn't have a taboo from the original, either change the plot or remove that part of it completely. But, no, they REALLY wanted to stick to that part, so the result is we have characters who are idiot crybabies who had no real reason to hide it (Seriously, who'd take 'I wanted my own hobby that makes me happy' as 'Well, you don't make me happy, so I'm gonna dance?'), horrible offensive stereotyping (Seriously, Link actually says if he was gay he'd get away with dancing with no need to hide), and stupid people doing stupid things because par for the stupid says they gotta keep 100% to the original movie (Who the Hell compares pro ballroom to having an affair even after saying they were ok with it in America!?).
Folks, if you can, hunt down the original Shall We Dansu. It's everything that was here, but it's where the taboo of “Men take Western Ballroom should turn in their man card/for the free hug-n-grab” is, so it makes more sense and isn't offensive to boot. This? It's a good movie desperate trying to get out, but the shackles of trying to stay true to the original turned it into a horribly offensive and stupid mess.
FINAL VERDICT: For being so bound to try to stay true to the original, they had to turn it offensive, for making characters idiots because the original movie did it despite the different reasons, for really schmaltzy moments, but redemption points for good chemistry and dancing, this movie gets a SUPER ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! I wish the people in this thing were in a different movie, not this offensive mess. Now, if you'll excuse me, for those of you waiting for me to review 47 Ronin and it's American changes, I gotta get a head start on heavy drinking. SOMEBODY GET ME A KEG OF BUD LIGHT!
Hey, it's the American 47 Ronin, I ain't wasting it on good stuff.
