If you ever said to yourself “Why
can't there be a land version of Jaws?”
you clearly haven't been to the video store OR streaming recently.
If you
ever said that same question to yourself back in the '70's, the
stupid answer to the stupid question would've been The Car
A 70's b-movie piece of idiocy
clunker that was about what happens when Satan decided to posses his
own Coupe De Evil. No, really, apparently people are overrated, so
he came back to Earth in the form of a car created by the guy who did
the 60's Batmobile.
There is not one
joke in that paragraph.
Described
by it's fans, and it's critics, as “Jaws on
land,” The Car is
mostly known as a Razzie Winner these days that's good for a few
laughs on a b-movie night with moments like a teacher saying it's
normal for one of her students to draw her naked or how an empty car
fooled a cop with just an open door.
Again, no jokes.
But the bottom line
is this: It's Satan mowing down people in a Coupe De Evil. That's
it, that's the horror, that's the plot.
Which
means it translates PERFECTLY into The Car: Road to
Revenge where
The Car IS THE HERO OF THE STORY...kinda. Yeah, turns out Universal
kinda sorta BS'd most of it.
Straight to both video and streaming, this movie is less of an actual
sequel and more of Universal...for reasons only they and God know...
Though
I doubt God wants anything to do with The
Car...
...trying to keep the rights to the original. It's ether that OR the
thing was an original story and somebody thought slapping the name of
a movie that STILL gets ridiculed to this day would give it money.
I'll say this, I was curious enough to rent it on the grounds that,
one way or another, a sequel was attempted alone, so it was a success
in that regard ether way.
And make no mistake, the original has fans, and rightfully so.
People enjoy this movie one way or another, ether as legit 70's
horror or on the same scale as people enjoy cheese-ball movies like
The Thing With Two Heads. But this movie removed MOST of
those elements, from enjoyable stupid moments like a character
taunting The Car to the iconic like it's horn. Yeah, the horn, the
very thing fans think of when they hear about the Coupe De Evil isn't
used even once.
So the movie opens with a credit sequence made to show off the car in
question, then jumps right to a chase in a “20 minutes into the
future” type setting between a cop (Grant Bowler) and some punk
dressed in all leather and with metal allover the place driving
his...lime green Prius with racing stripes...
Because when you think end of the world scum bags, you think Prius.
The cop manages to capture the bad guy, leading to a trail and the
charges told to the judge by the head DA, Caddock (Jamie Bamber),
which leads the judge to declare the crook for execution...which
happens right then and there, no waiting.
Does this mean we're all ruled by Texas?
Well,
turns out the guy they just blew up in the courtroom has a data chip
that has all the info on the rest of the town's scumbags. Why he
does, we don't know...and we really don't know who these people are.
Yeah, I'm looking up stuff on IMDB, but I don't know who goes to who.
I only guessed the first two actors due to both the IMDB AND the
Horrorpedia, and the Horrorpedia might as well be the deep end of the
kiddie pool that's all the info on this movie.
All I know about these people so far is one's a cowboy, one of 'em
had got a cyber arm, one of 'em is fresh from Hot Topic right after
it went mainstream, one looks like an Iggy Pop cosplayer, and one is
dressed like Liberace.
So after Caddock's attempt to get his ex back goes south, right down
to him saying “I will not stop coming for you until you're mine...”
Yeah, that whole good guy thing the plot summary said? So far, false
advertising. Unless in the future, that's the new “I love you.”
...he tries to crack open the chip with less than legal means, only
for his wormy assistant to leave right before the aforementioned bad
guy group break up and wreck up both his office AND his face.
BTW, I'm watching the unrated version and most of the “Gory”
moments are really really REALLY bad CGI. Like I half suspect this
budget is whatever the head of Universal's Home Media department
found in his couch.
Their search turns up nada and their boss...again, I don't know who
the character is, so I don't know who the actor is...gets so mad,
he...exposits that he created them...okay...not the reaction you'd
expect from somebody mad, but then again, this is a stupid stupid
STUPID movie.
Later that night, the car comes to life and...kills an innocent
person! Yeah, that whole “Seeing revenge on the bad guys” thing
in the trailer? That's another lie! Battin' 1,000, Universal!
After a funeral that includes the ex saying she found it comforting
to be in a relationship where she had to ask permission to laugh or
cry...
...I...got nothing...this is a stupid stupid STUPID movie.
...we see the cop trying to find out why the guy who blew up had the
chip in the first place and The Car stalking the ex, who the cop
tried to talk to about why the DA was killed. We then jump to the
guy with the cyber arm, as The Car is ready to mow him down right
after said cyber arm guy taunts it. The good news is he was smart
enough to hide in a building...the bad news is he runs in front of a
window big enough for the car to drive through and squish him.
It's
NOW, when the cops are looking at his body, I hear his name is Henry
and...the IMDB page doesn't go that far. Yeah, I know, “Wait for
the credits” and I might put something in this review, but I'm
writing this as I go as this is a case of a stupid movie I DON'T
wanna see again! I was originally gonna write it as I went anyway
because, well, its a sequel to The
Car, but then you have
moments like that stupid line that painted a controlling relationship
as a good thing, does that sound like something ANYBODY with a sane
brain want to see outside of a rift party!?
So, yeah, we can safely say that Henry is the second victim of the DA
soul's Murderous Benz.
FEED ME, SEYMOUR, FEED ME!
So the detective talks to the ex and, while having booze at a fancy
Japanese restaurant...I guess that's by the book...inquires about the
kind of car Caddock had because it matches the description of what
ran over Henry, causing her to...be offended when asked what car she
drives and leaves him to pay the bill...meh, for all I know, booze IS
a business write off.
She invites a friend of her's over just as the bad guys find her, and
of course, said friend is killed by their thugs. They try her next,
only she has a gun and is able to fight them off and run into the
woods...where the car...somehow...knew they would be...okay...
I don't care if it's magic, you HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT!
Eventually, it comes down to a showdown between The Car and the Iggy
Pop lookin' bad guy in his car, which naturally ends in a bad CGI and
bad practical effect mess of The Car turning him into a pancake. Not
even The New Day can save this one, folks.
Yeah, that's how bad this movie is, I'm FORCING wrestling jokes.
The detective eventually puts the ex in a no tell motel...so no tell
even I can smell who was in the bed the night before last...until the
next day, where she insists on investigating the case with the
detective, namely The Car.
Hey, this is a future where it's apparently ok to question witnesses
over wine, don't question it.
They go to an underground hacking club...as opposed to the mainstream
ones...where they wanna inquire about the one thing that binds this
all together, something called The Night...only for it to just HAPPEN
to be the day a group connected to The Night raid the place and kill
almost everybody. Doesn't it just suck when another event takes
priority even though you booked in advance?
Turns out the raid was so the Hot Topic looking one can get to the
ex, leading to a fight between the two. Considering one is in
leather and the other is in tight blue jeans, 3 guesses on why it's
here.
No guesses on why I was staring at the TV for the fight's length of
time.
Eventually, Hot Topic breaks out the flame thrower, but she has a gun
and, per Hollywood rules, this means the flame thrower BACKFIRES and
fries her like she was covered in gas. But this isn't enough to kill
her as, remember, she has to die at the hands of the Merciless Benz.
Ah, that one was for me.
Sure enough, they take the fight outside and the Benz shows up to 86
Hot Topic, but has enough romance in it to roll down the window and
play the ex's favorite song. Sometimes, it's the little things.
The
ex and the cop go back to his apartment, says that he's the way he is
because his family died, we're all animals, blah, blah, stuff you
heard 500 times before, where they proceed then to get it on! Oh,
one night of hating each other, all it takes to turn somebody on is a
dead family and then showing them how you punch things!
Did I mention this was a stupid stupid STUPID movie?
So, the head bad guy declares war on The Car and throws in rewards
for it, the ex, AND the chip that has all the info, causing the gang
to get ready to go to war...but enough about that, we got the
obligatory “Sleep with her now she hates you” plot as she says
her theory that the car is possessed by Caddock causes the cop to
look at her like a skeptic.
At least he didn't laugh at her, THAT would've been wrong.
She leaves in a huff with the cop leaving the apartment sometime
after...and with The Car waiting for him there all night. Yep,
Caddock's soul waited under the apartment as his ex had sex with the
cop. I don't know if it's creepy since his headlights saw nothing,
but it's close.
This causes the cop to run out of the closed...doors...wait, if the
doors were closed the entire time, how'd The Car get in? Wait,
again, where did the ex go if she didn't see The Car!? Why didn't
Caddock leave if he saw the ex leave!? EXPLAIN, YOU STUPID STUPID
STUPID MOVIE!
So, naturally this leads to a chase between the cop and the Caddock
possessed car...again, so much for the trailer and plot summary
saying the guy was a good guy...
He gets away as the Car leaves with the bad guys following The
Car...and I don't know what's least believable, the punks in a black
outed Cadillac or one group in a bright purple Camero with racing
stripes...while the assistant DA listens in that the ex is...still at
the apartment...but, we saw her lea---screw it, I don't wanna
continue this thing for too long, let's just move on.
While the punks are after the Car, the Night sets up the detective
for the murders while kidnapping the ex, only for the ex to reveal
she's not an idiot and turned the tables! Finally, somebody smart in
this stupid stupid STUPID movie!
Speaking of stupid, we go back to the punks as they keep losing
members to the Merciless Benz as the two fake cops that took the ex
go splat. The Car sees this, and recreates the car flipping stunt
from the 70's movie in, and I admit this, a nice homage to the
original as the flip takes off a couple of heads. Desperate to get
rid of both The Night AND The Car, the ex works out a deal with them
to take care of it. Of course, unlike the first movie where the
humans are idiots, The Car falls for the oldest trick in the book and
when he thinks she's going to die, falls into a hidden pit and
presumably dies as the ex gets betrayed by Night.
So much for somebody smart.
I'm reviewing this thing as I go, this sucker is 2 minutes shy of the
90 minute mark, I'm at the 1 hr 4 min spot...and I'm on page 4. This
thing is about as deep as it's IMDB page.
Naturally,
with the Merciless Benz junked, now's the perfect time for Ronny Cox
to cameo as a mechanic that finds it...and chances are do the stupid
thing. We then jump to the ex, who admits to the head of Night that
she has dark impulses to kill all the rich people she works for,
thus...she's in with the group? How the Hell can the stupid get
stupider from h---
BY HAVING THE CAMEO MECHANIC MERGE THE PARTS OF THE MERCILESS BENZ
WITH THE COUPE DE EVIL! Because hey, having an insane lawyer's soul
in a car isn't enough, he needs the touch of Satan!
After a bit where the cop gets some info on where the bad guys are
from the assistant DA, we see the mechanic did, indeed, mix and match
parts of the old and new Cars together, and whatever was holding the
previous version back from going on a rampage is gone.
It's almost as if fusing an already unstable soul with that of Satan
was a bad idea.
After the cop determines where Night and the ex are, we see the head
of Night has given the assistant DA over to the ex to do whatever she
wants because he failed the group. This includes pouring wate---I
mean “Alcohol” over his wounds. Yes, that is clearly “Alcohol”
being poured. No fooling me.
But, par for the stupid rears it's head as she takes advantage,
wounds the head of Night, and runs off with the head burning the
assistant DA. As all this is going on, both The Car AND the
detective pull up to the club with the detective going in.
Apparently, the club doesn't have big enough windows to make an insta
drive-through...
*CRASH*
Or doesn't need one as it just crashes through the front door and
starts mowing everybody down!
This
should be fun, this is directed by the guy who did Death
Race 2050, so he already
knows how to not only make a good b-movie, but one that keeps the
spirit of a previous one. This should've kept the parts of the
original The Car that
caused it to have fans, this should be cheesy as Hell...but it feels
so stupid an inept as I'm sitting here thinking “Wow, thank God the
club's designer made those ramps big enough for a Benz.”
The
Liberace guy catches up to the ex and is ready to kill her when she
fights back and finishes him of. Hey, somebody has to now that they
completely flipped The Car's switch to pure evil. It's now down to
the cop, the ex, the head, and The Car, complete with---oh for the
love of...REALLY!? A first person chase that's only a few seconds!?
5 minutes of it didn't work for the Doom
movie, it ain't gonna
work here!
Well, the stand off doesn't last as the Merciless Benz runs over the
head and splits him in half while the cop and the ex decide to try to
stop The Car once and for all. The ex taunts The Car, causing it to
drive into a forklift armed with explosives, killing it once and for
all.
By law, I have to...
The cop gets cleared, he and the ex hook up, there's 4 minutes left,
bring it out already.
Sure
enough, The Car is still alive and takes the ex for a ride. Having
enough of The Car's shit, she takes it apart bit by bit, trying to
stop it, while saying she's done with...all the
people...okay...uh...wasn't sure the whole “Wanna kill the rich”
was 100% a character thing, just something she said to let the
audience in on her connection to the bad guy...never really had that
much of a subplot of her hating ALL the rich, just that her
ex-boyfriend was too controlling...what ever, there's still 4 minutes
left, let's just end this thing.
She unplugs the AI, causing the Merciless Benz to stop allowing her
to get out and push it over the cliff, supposedly drowning it...with
3 minutes left. Sure enough, we go to the bottom of the lake and the
lights come on and we FINALLY roll credits.
I should really watch the whole credits and go back, point out who's
who and all that...but that would require going back to watch this
thing and re-watching one part is one part too many.
This
is inept straight to video at it's worse. Yeah, I wasn't expecting
much because, as I said, straight to video...but at the same time,
I've seen better straight to video efforts from things like Cartoon
Network's two straight to cable Scooby
Doo movies. Hell, I
actually enjoyed Archie:
Return to Riverdale more
than this, both ironically AND unironically, at least those movies I
mentioned had something resembling some form of effort and plot.
This was just a stupid movie full of stupid people doing stupid
things for a stupid stupid STUPID movie! This movie said that this
was supposed to be about an unscrupulous DA possessing his car and
running down the people that killed him...which we later see is
BULLSHIT as not only does he have control issues, but he mows down
innocent people both before AND after parts of the Coupe De Evil
mixed with the Merciless Benz.
Then there's moments like that line about the ex saying the
controlling relationship was comforting, I can't remember anybody's
names let alone if they were mentioned, and that everybody here is an
idiot. At least the original has an excuse of just being a good time
to rift on a weekend. This? This is just a clunker that couldn't
even get started.
FINAL VERDICT: For feeling lazy, inept, having stupid people doing
stupid things, horrible lines (Seriously, I think people who got out
of controlling relationships will take issues with that statement),
and plots that feel like they were after thoughts (Be nice to see the
ex interact with more rich people), this clunker gets a SUPER MEGA
ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB! MAYBE you can find something to mock, but
chances are you wish this movie was Fixed Or Replaced Daily. Now, if
you'll excuse me, my ex has possessed my car and I'm gonna do the one
thing nobody thought in this situation...SNEAK A TWO FOR ONE DEAL IN
THE DRIVE-IN!
