I guess you can call this punishment
for being behind...
Actually, that's a half truth. I
actually did start on King Arthur and The Knights of the Round
Table, the Asylum's knock off of
Guy Richie's King Arthur, and
it was...
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!
I
don't just mean from a general stand point, I mean from an Asylum
movie stand point. Over the years before, and since, the Asylum has
put out stuff like the Sharknado movies,
Android Cop (Which I
admit is a guilty pleasure), and several seasons of Z-Nation,
which actually succeeded as a
nice light hearted alternative to The Walking Dead
for those who couldn't watch Ash Vs. Evil Dead.
Which means I'm
confused as Hell why they'd wanna copy The Walking Dead with
Black Summer in an era where people are getting sick of The
Walking Dead...
Anyways, there's
only so much you can do with something so boring...and this had guns,
swords, Thailand, giant...robot...alien...witch...thingie...and it
was still BORING!
So...since you
prefer to laugh at me in pain over me in bed...
Shut up.
I bring to you the
pain known as California Dreaming, aka,
Outta Omaha!
So...I bring this to people who have ether donated to a Patrion with
a request reward by a fanfic author or know a fanfic author and ask
the following: You ever ask 'em to write about a character's family,
what they're going through during the hero's crisis in the main
series/book/movie, only to find the closest thing to family they know
is a combination of modern sitcoms and what they THINK a neurotic...
Oh, I mean “Driven.”
….person would do when pushed to the brink?
This is the movie version of that.
I refuse to believe any real, or sane person, no matter if they're so
neurotic...
Re: “Driven.”
...they go nuts the minute the wrong coaster is put out, would do
half of what I'm about to sum up, let alone the MOTIVATION that leads
to this situation.
The movie comes to us courtesy of director and writer Linda Vorhees,
who's other credits include Crazy from the Heart, and Two
Mothers For Zachery.
Ok, some good signs, as far as the writing goes. And...Raising
Genius, about a teenager who...locks himself in the bathroom and
makes a math equasion based on watching the girl next door jumping on
a tram...pol...oh, it can't be this stup---
...this is gonna hurt...
So, the movie opens when husband and wife Ginger (Lea Thompson) and
Stu (Dave Foley, and yes, their chemistry, along with the rest of the
casts, are the only good parts of the movie) go RV shopping because,
as we find out later, Ginger wanted this year's family trip to be to
California.
And since you're making that joke already...
There, can we move on, I'm already dead inside and all this is doing
is making things smell even more rotten.
We also see a little bit of the home life...well, home life by
somebody who's HEARD of a home life mixed in with what they saw in a
90's sitcom, as daughter Cookie (Lindsay Serin) just sits on her bed
and complains about the uncool outfits her mom picked out for her!
HILARIOUS!
Yes...the teenager complaining that her mom picked out awful outfits
is supposed to be a joke. No, it is not done in a way that makes you
laugh, it is not over exaggerated, and it's framed in a way where
you, an actual parent who did this at least once, knows the actions
because no effort is made to make it funny. No, I don't know how a
real life situation done as a real life situation is comedy.
We also see Stu show his son, Milo (David Kalis), the RV and where
Stu'll drive it just as Stu's mom (Melissa Ganor) and sister, Bonnie
(Patricia Richardson) show up to point out how freakishly big the RV
is and it's weird that the family'll be in that thing and...
Seriously, I wanna know if this character's first thought is “Is
this what they call an...ERRR VEE?”
We also find out that Ginger is a hard driven real estate agent!
Why, she's so hard driven, when the younger and blonder agent she
trained snags a bigger deal than she has, she...tells her and her
boss to go out early for lunch to celebrate...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!
ANGER!
Actually, this is just an excuse for the movie to have her talk to a
friend about feeling nervous about the trip. Turns out, something
has her on edge but she doesn't know what, just that she wants to go
to where she vacationed in California 20 years ago.
And, yes, the reason will hurt. Lots. OVER 9,000!
And if you saw this, yes, I'm aware that she's telling the friend
stuff like she “Feels like somebody else got her life” and she
can “Create a new history.” Those are MOTIVATIONS for going to
California, but what inspired her/the thing that convinced her to go?
So, we get another snap shot of the family, further hinting for
Ginger this isn't so much a family get away, as a LIFE getaway...
Remember, DEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTING!
...as she refuses to not only let Stu's mom and sister join, but
Cookie's boyfriend, Kevin (Nicolas Fackler) can't go, and even goes
slightly nuts when Cookie says she wants her OWN vacation. Ginger
even gets out the ol' postcard to convince her how good of an idea
this is!
DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP HUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTING!
After one more try to convince her to go to the traditional family
vacation of Nebraska, and failing...
Yeah...I don't think corn is THAT good, myself.
...it jumps to the next day as we get to sitcom cliché No. 34: Dad
can't work the security! As the alarm keeps going and going and
going and...
You know, all this does is make me wish I was watching the traveling
segment in Moving. I wanna watch Moving. Why am I not
watching Moving?
Anyway, on top of one more attempt to push what your relative with
the weird figurines would call “Native Californian wear” on her
daughter, the cops show up and...why am I summing it up, it's sitcom
cliché No. 34, you probably know the security company just showed up
at this point, so moving on.
So, they finally drive! ...and drive...and drive... and---
If I see a sign that says “Valley Lodge,” I'm leaving.
So, of course, because Ginger is neruo---
“Determined.”
She thinks the cop is treating this plan as if she's a criminal,
where as we the viewer treats her as a nut. And after that...MORE
DRIVING AND ARGUING! But not to worry, sitcom cliché No. 56 breaks
it up: The family member secretly hides a friend! In this case,
Cookie hides Kevin, causing the family to freak out and damn near
kill him with a golf putter until he runs into a cornfield. This
leads to Cookie and and Ginger having an argument, namely that Cookie
wants to go to Nebraska, and Ginger asking why a teenager wants to go
a place loaded with mullets.
…
Wait, who am I rooting for again?
They eventually take the boyfriend back to his house, which is
complete with...a sign that says “Protected by the 2nd Amendment.”
Oh sweet merciful crap, here we go...
We peak inside Kevin's house and see dear ol' dad (Ethan Philips) and
mom (Vicki Lewis) at their most redneck, right down to getting out
the shotgun in case of those dang Jehovah's Witnesses again!
And this is where the writing is REALLY uneven.
After finding out that her boyfriend wasn't really supposed to date
her because he's not allowed to...
For all I know, it's because a fear of cooties, they never say why
he's not allowed to date.
...she rushes into their house and locks her in the bathroom, leading
Ginger to have a conversation with Kevin's family. The whole time,
she's judging them to be these drug dealing rednecks and they're
calling her out on it, saying she's wrong to judge on their
appearance...except it then is revealed that mom has an ankle monitor
because she is a dealer...
...of knock off fashion! There, people, ya see? If you were nicer
to your local redneck with the ankle monitor, you could've had a
knock off purse.
And the dad DID have a shotgun at the ready...a purposely dismantled
can't fired shotgun just in case somebody he SHOULDN'T shoot came to
the door.
So...who's in the wrong, again? The mother thinks these people are
gun happy dealers...only for them to BE gun happy dealers, but not in
what she expected and RESPONSIBLE gun happy dealers.
COMEDY! *WHISTLES* HERE COMEDY! I WON'T BITE! COMEDY, COME
BACK...or...start...
Eventually, they talk her into coming out and crying in the RV, but
because of Cookie's antics, the rednecks convince the family to take
the mom to her parole officer downtown, causing more delays and
Ginger to get even more neruot---
“Determined.”
---over the schedule because she really really REALLY wants to get to
California! I hope you have air bags on the stand by for the reason.
Anyway, this leads, once they get there, to a fight between Ginger
and Stu, causing the parolee to try to calm things down, only to lead
Ginger to be more ner---insa---
“Determined.”
---about the trip. Eventually, Cookie sees a chance and runs out and
calls her aunt and grandma, leading Ginger to...
...ok, yeah, I'm dropping the “Determined” gag. Why? Because
she then starts to go off on an insane rant on how ungrateful Cookie
is over hating the trip that nobody wanted to go on, gets pissed at
the MERE IDEA that everybody is miserable, and when the in-laws show
up, that her family had the NERVE to suggest they eat food! HOW DARE
THEY!?
Yes, folks, we have just crossed the line into insanity...and no, the
breaks do not kick in for awhile.
In fact, Ginger is still so pissed off when they're talked into
driving the RV to grandma's, she goes on a rant on how her
sister-in-law is perfect because she's a lawyer that married a
successful guy and a widow while Ginger married somebody infere---
Uh...you are aware you're talking about your own husband TO your own
husband, yes?
They catch up, only to see they possibly ran over Bonnie's dog and
that leads to...the Lutheran family arguing with her, complete with
Bonnie comparing it to her killing...her own mom complete...with
pointing her hand to her mom's head in the form of a gun...
Ok...so...our hero---person we have met is insane...the Lutheran part
of the family is super judgmental...and Bonnie just pretended to
shoot her own mother to make a point...
I think the only sane person is this thing is Stu...but this movie
REALLY wants us to connect with Ginger...except Ginger is frakin'
NUTS! With a capital NUTS!
They take the dog to the vet only to find out it fainted. This leads
to a whole sequence of idiotic events that winds up causing Ginger to
actually kidnap the dog, the Christian mother to say the Ethnic vet
is brainwashing Stu when he's burnt out on all of this...
The movie's doing a better job convincing me people in Omaha are NUTS
than making me root for anybody outside of Stu and Cookie.
...lock said dog and Cookie with her in the RV, and how does the
Lutheran Christian Bonnie respond? Refusing to apologize for her
actions...
Which I don't get since both parties are insane.
...and say she'll never forgive Ginger for what she did. Anger and
keeping grudges...I'm sure that's somewhere in the book...maybe one
of the Lukes or Johns?
Well, finally, when Stu refuses to take a side, Ginger SNAPS...
Ha, ha, ha.
...and jacks the RV with her daughter and the dog inside, which I'm
pretty sure means we've crossed from neurotic and “Determined” to
off her frakin' rocker and police involvement. Eventually, after
calling her boyfriend for help, Cookie manages to talk her mom down
and we find out why she's doing this. Why she feels like somebody
else took her life, why she really wants to go to California, why she
wants her vacation and her family to be happy with a capital
H-A-P-P-I! And the shocking reas---
A postcard. That's it. She saw the fake image of a California town
she used to vacation in her younger days, sparked the idea that her
life sucks, and wanted to recapture it in some psychotic response.
And, no, there's NOTHING on the card that could possibly make this
work, no last words from a dead family member or words from the last
time she felt happy, it's the postcard itself and it's fake image
that fueled this insane mess.
You know what movie did this whole “Broken family has to take RV
trip arranged by semi-insane member” better? I don't mean “It's
not as bad as this” but with actual enjoyment, component writing,
and characters with ACTUAL human motivations?
RV.
Almost everything here was done MUCH better in that movie. The
broken family, the redneck family that's revealed to have layers, the
one that got the ball rolling (The dad in this case) for selfish
reasons actually learns his lesson, and best of all?
NOBODY IS THIS FRAKIN' INSANE!
I can connect to the family in RV, the reactions they had to
everything in the movie feels like actual human reactions, and even
they own up to whatever mistakes they made. Here? This feels like
Vorhees has REALLY horrible family issues that she's trying to get
out. What else did she wri---
That...explains...so...much...
Eventually, the chaos leads to the dog escaping and now the
boyfriend's family, Cookie, and Ginger have to look for the dog, this
whole thing leading to Ginger snapping...
Ha, ha, ha.
Again, but this time over the idea that she had to “Settle.”
Did I mention RV actually has the family feel like they come
together in a LOVING way?
Well, after being told “What's wrong with settling,” they find
the dog at a park and everybody winds up meeting. And if I'm writing
this with an “Ugh, do I have do continue watching this” attitude,
it's only because I am. All the issues eventually come out, forcing
Ginger to realize “OMG, I'M THE ASSHOLE!” when Stu finally tells
her what we've all been saying: She didn't want the vacation for the
family, she just wanted to go where “She was perfect” and maybe
make “Him perfect.”
In short...
She's frakin' nanners, why have you people not called the men in
white coats with butterfly nets yet?
Eventually, Ginger apologizes for all her actions...
Which kinda comes off more as “Well, I didn't get my way and I was
read the riot act, better roll with it” moment.
...the family reunites, decides to have a stay-cation instead,
complete with the cop from the security system gag showing up for the
big family BBQ, Bonnie setting off the alarm...hahahaha...and me
saying that I picked this over the boring Asylum movie...
SO YOU BETTER LAUGH AT MY PAIN, DAMN IT!
Look, I get what this was going for, this isn't the first “Family
comes together during road trip from Hell” movie, but the thing is
in most of those, there's something that makes you connect TO that
focal point of the family, regardless how they are. Clark Griswald
is a jack ass you can file “Lucky to have wife and kids,” yet
everything from his reactions to the events around him to how far
he's willing to go for his family has you actually rooting for him,
even in crap like Vegas Vacation.
That's not here. The focal point, Ginger, is too stuck up to connect
with and, even if you do, by the third act, she so off the rails,
you're wondering why she isn't in a padded cell. The family coming
together at the end, thanks to the whole “What's wrong with
settling” line feels less like a loving family coming together and
more like “Well, my plans failed and you made me realize I'm
insane, so...hugs?”
And the tone on this thing is as uneven as the writing. This is
supposed to be a family picture, so there's moments where they'll
stop themselves...only to do things like give the finger or say
“Bitch.” Top it all of, as I said before, the writing is uneven
as one moment it condemns Ginger for being wrong in her first image
of people...only to whip back around and say she was right, just not
in the way she thought ala the dealer being that of knock off
fashion.
If you wanna see GOOD road trips
from Hell movies, there's National
Lampoon's Vacation, RV, and
others I can recommend. I can only recommend this road trip from
Hell movie if you wanna feel like you're in Hell.
FINAL VERDICT: For not being able
to connect with characters, for uneven writing that comes off as the
writer/director having serious family issues, for actions that would
get this NUT arrested, this movie gets a MEGA ATOMIC B-MOVIE BOMB!
The only good thing about this is Dave Foley and Lea Thompson's
chemistry, and by God, I wish they were in a better movie! Now, if
you'll excuse me, I'm gonna watch one of the National Lampoon
vacation movies, because it's not like National Lampoon can make
anything just as awful as California
Dreaming AKA Outta
Om---
...aw, crap...
