“You know what Gilbert and Sullivan
needs? More 1980's!”
Said nobody ever. But, too bad,
because we got The Pirate Movie anyway.
A
1982 very loose remake of The
Pirates Of Penzance, the
movie was a rock and roll musical that decided, as the opening joke
stated, it needed more 1980's, along with a ton of references, a
sequence that screams more they needed to wrap this thing up than
being funny, and stuff that makes you think that somewhere up in the
entertainment section of Heaven, Gilbert and Sullivan themselves are
constantly facepalming.
The movie was born from the idea of one of it's lead actors, Ted
Hamilton...
Meaning you just didn't have to be the guy who changed cop dramas to
come up with awful things.
Bonus points if you remember the previous post.
...and got the go ahead to rush into production. And, boy howdy, do
I mean rushed because around that time, the 1983 movie adaptation of
the original play got the go ahead too. So, if some spots have
holes, feel rushed, or just happen without explanation, it was all to
beat a movie that made $694,497...which was due to theaters pissed
off at Universal for releasing it also on two subscription TV
services at the time, SelecTV and ONTV.
So, the movie opens with an impressive battle and, I gotta admit, a
kick ass song (“Victory”) to start off the mov---and the words
“The End” flash on the screen...
OK, THAT'S A REVIEW, STRIKE THE SITE, BREAK FOR LUNCH!
No, actually they showed a clip from a pirate movie as part of this
pirate festival at...80's Beach...Austra...Amer...Somewhere, where we
meet our leading lady, Mable (Kristy McNichol) as she's with her hot
friends and she's...a plane Jane...
Yes, even the 80's had the hot nerd trope.
Well, turns out on the big boat this...beach somewhere...is holding a
sword fighting demonstration, that her friends draft Mable to sign up
for and work with the instructor (Christopher Atkins), who takes a
linking to...uh...her...nerdy...nature...okay...I guess all it took
to know somebody in the 80's was looking like an art student and
teaching them how to use a sword.
Well, after her friends trick her out of the date to get the
instructor to themselves, Mable gets the idea to rent a boat...but
since she's never sailed before, she falls overboard and washes up
on...beach no. 2 right before the dream sequence that will be most of
the movie.
Ok, fine, this movie is mostly a dream, it's not like they're gonna
open on what many would consider the first internet meme or anything.
So the movie/dream sequence popper starts with the trainer, known
here as Frederick, ordering his shipmates to fight another ship and
to prepare to be boarded by said ship's crew...ninjas...
*SLAP*
I'm sorry, I must've seen that wrong...let me watch again...
So the movie/dream sequence popper starts with the trainer, known
here as Frederick, ordering his shipmates to fight another ship and
to prepare to be boarded by said ship's crew...ninjas...
*SLAP*
...ow...
Yeah...predating the internet, Pirates Vs. Ninjas...I got nothing
outside of asking if the fog machine was really making fog. Oh, and
the cherry on top? The actual leader of the pirates (Ted Hamilton),
known as the Pirate King...
STOP! NO! YOU! YOU WITH THE ANIME COLLECTION! YES, YOU WITH THE
WANTED POSTERS AND A CERTAIN HAT! STOP RIGHT THERE! I'M TALKING TO
YOU! YES! YOU! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!
...makes a joke about “Ordering Chinese but this is rediculous.”
Excuse me...
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...oog...this just started and I'm already toing dhis.
…
*HEADDESK*
Doing this.
They capture the ninja captain...who's also an Irish
Tenor...I...I..just roll with it...and then celebrate Frederic's
birthday. I dunno, I would've just called it a day after that, I
mean a Pirates Vs. Ninja party would've made for an AWESOME b-day
party back in the day. Well, turn out this means he can join the
group...except he remembers that pesky part about pirates killing his
family, and, well, that puts a damper when he announces that he's
gonna be a pirate hunter.
Kids, ya train 'em to loot and plunder and the next thing you know,
they wanna do the right thing.
This causes him to be tricked off of the ship and into a tiny
boat...but enough about that, let's jump to an island that has
several women, including Mable, wanting a man to call their own. You
can tell Mabel is the one that we're supposed to root for because the
other women are dressed like the play while she's dressed in the
80's.
After the exposition saying they all want a dude to call their own,
we jump back to Frederic's boat as the woman, Ruth (Maggie
Kirkpatrick) tries to get in his pants, something she's been waiting
to do for 21 years.
Huh..Frederic's turned 21 tod---
MOVING ON! MOVING THE FUCK ON! MOVING ON!
Frederic sees the isle of women and swims to it, where...we hear a
knock off of the Jaws theme only for it to stop...then he just
springs up slowly...WOW...easiest parody to do and you screw it right
the hell up.
Naturally, this leads to the sappiest love song that ever sapped,
“First Love” as Frederic and Mable sing about love at first
site...with horses that just appeared and then vanish again...I feel
like that loaner Crow from MST3K...
But the short sexy times, complete with an insta “Might wanna marry
you...”
...meh, close enough.
...come to a stop when Frederic's pirate family pull up on to the
island and go after Mabel's sisters, complete with the Pirate King
seeing that his ship parked on the beach and remarked that he got
pretty close to the curb.
Ok, that was funny.
This leads to a sword fight between the King and Mable...and of
course, because she's an amateur, it's sloppy. But that's fine, it's
just here until the movie gets to the play's most popular song,
“Modern Major General...”
...with a (then) modern twist, as it includes the lyrics to inform us
that the general (Bill Kerr) is older than the Beatles but younger
than the Rolling Stones.
Pure Gilbert and Sullivan.
Yeah...I gotta be honest, THAT is cringe worthy. For the most part,
they do a good job covering the song, right down to how absurd it's
supposed to sound...then they throw the Beatles line in. I get it,
it's supposed to be a parody...but the Pirates of Penzace is
already a parody, it's a satire! It's supposed to be a knock/satire
on operas, class rules, and all that stuffy...uh...stuff that Gilbert
and Sullivan wanted to make fun of with this play.
This is like writing a parody of The Naked Gun movies.
Well, after the song, the General tells the King he's an orphan, and
well, turns out they have a rule of not robbing or hurting orphans
due to being ones themselves, so they go away. Which I'm sure
they'll NEVER bother anybody again...and yes, they of course,
anchored themselves outside the cove. But Mable uses this to her
advantage, striking a deal with her dad because he doesn't want her
to marry a poor boy: They steal the treasure on the ship, give it to
Frederic, they get married. Thus, they plan on, later that night, to
board the ship...while Frederic drools over her body, causing her to
remark that the body's an eight but the brain's a 10.
...you agreed to be in this movie, you wanna re-think that?
They sneak on board, only for Frederic to reveal not only is the
treasure burred somewhere, but the map is on the back of the Pirate
King, thus we get a seduction bit loaded with bad jokes and puns,
such as yes, that is a dagger in his pocket...
If I have to ask the question, ask your parents what a pick up line
is.
...and after finding out the age of consent, saying he's old enough.
This leads to even MORE shinagines from remarking he likes how a
woman knows her place after saying she's a feminest...
Ha, ha, ha...ha, ha, ha?
...to trying to cover up Frederic damn near screwing up the plan by
saying she's got goosebumps, leading to him staring at Mable's boobs
and remarking push ups would fix that.
After tricking him into posing so Frederic can draw the map, Mable
tricks the Pirate King into blindfolding himself...and Ruth just
HAPPENS to walk on by, and uses the set up to her own advantage thus
tricking...the King...to...
MOVING ON! MOVING ON! NOTHING TO SEE HERE! MOVING ON!
Frederic and Mable manage to sink the ship and take the map leading
to the treasure, thus leading to the next day and Frederic under
water finding the treasure while Mable pumps his helmet full of air,
leading to the movie's most infamous musical number, “Pumping and
Blowing.”
If I have to explain the context for you, might I recommend re-taking
3rd Grade Health without laughing after opening the book.
But...this does have me wondering...did the original play really need
the 80's update? It's already a satire, time just changed what type
it was. When Pirates of Penzance was created, it was a 'Take
that' against the rules and systems of the day, as well as a parody
of the type of opera and theater that was popular. Now, while it's
viewed as the same kind of classic it's parodying, it's viewed more
as a parody of old plays in a historical sense vs. pop culture.
This? This is just cramming as much modern and pop culture from the
day they could so they can stay “Relevant” and rush it out to
beat the actual parody. It'd be like if Hot Shots was a
parody of Air America in response to Aces: Iron Eagle 3
coming out two years after it, it's not funny, it's more shouting
“WE'RE RELEVANT, DAMN IT,” and...why do I get the feeling there's
a modern equivalent t---
...aw crap...
Right, so, after that sequence, down to animated cartoon fish...I'm
guessing drugs due to the 80's...they find the treasure, which turns
out to be...the old treasure from Mable's family?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Well, with the pirates 20 minutes away, Mable's dad tells Frederic to
go and raise an army, which jumps to...Frederic falling off a horse?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Well, this causes the Pirate King to ambush him and...take him to a
room in the General's house that has a whole coffin?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Was the deadline to beat the '83 adaptation REALLY this important!?
Apparently so, because at one point, the fight goes in fast
forward...for just a minute as it's just a balancing act on a
balcony...
Hey, if it gets this thing over faster, I'll be happy.
...only for Frederic to land in a library and have the Pirate King
and Ruth corner him. Well, he's not going down without a fight, so
they fight in the library and...are suddenly on the roof?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
RUSH! RUSH! RUSH! GOTTA BEAT THE '83 ADAPTATION!
There are a couple of funny bits though, them agreeing to move the
fight to safer grounds when the Pirate King almost falls, taking a
break to enjoy some booze, and the Pirate King seeing physics is not
his friend as his sword just won't cut some candles down where as
Frederic had no problems. Well, enough of the comedy, let's get back
to the crap as Frederic gets the King into the coffin, and runs
swords through it, only to reveal the King escaped on the grounds you
know this magic trick already.
Eventually, the King gains the upper hand until...Frederic remembers
the Force, turning his sword into a Light Saber before Force lifting
it!?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
I swear, this movie is a perfect substitute for a frontal lobotomy.
They stop the fight when the King reveals the loophole to the whole
“Freed at 21” thing. Turns out Frederic was born during a leap
year, thus he wasn't freed at his 21st year, he was freed at his 21st
BIRTHDAY, thus meaning he's technically 5.75, leading to another 80's
music sequence about how he can't live without Mable, complete with
that Gilbert & Sullivan staple...the Casio.
He tells Mable the whole story...this leading her to wonder if, due
to this, the leather, and such, if he's really gay.
Sorry for ripping off the Nostalgia Critic with this line, but I'm
going for two!
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Ooog...is it yver oet?
…
*HEADDESK*
Is it over yet?
They talk it out, and thus Frederic says he can't give up his sense
of honor and will go back to the pirates...as he walks on
water...only to fall in after a few feet!?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
HOW MUCH LONGER IS THIS!? 32 MINUTES!?
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
JUST HOW MANY TIMES CAN I SAY “THIS ISN'T FUNNY” ALREADY!?
We get another 80's song about love, blah, blah, blah. She
eventually goes and tells the General what's happening and sees he's
drunker than a dude bro on a beach, so she decides she's gonna form
the army and lead the troops herself!
...can we go back to the drunk?
After seeing Mable ride off to get her army, we see...the Keystone
Kops?
Pure Gilbert and Sull---
*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*
Get this, after a quick google search, I found out that yes, some
productions of The Pirates of Penzance, including the 1983
version that this was trying to beat at the box office, has the
Keystone Kops IN the play. I can't honestly answer how adding them
improved other adaptations or productions of the play, I've never
seen the pre-Kops version of the original or the original source
material that's giving us this rush job in general. But here, they
sing “Tarantara” and...see Mable as Joan of Arc?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
She tells them it's time to fight or die, they choose to bail on the
grounds that she's got girl parts. This has her yell she'll take it
to their boss...Inspector Clouseau...
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
Really? Just...just...REALLY!? I'd show a clip of Disaster Movie
to elaborate just how stupid putting Inspector Clouseau in
something called The Pirate Movie, but I already drove that
point home once with a clip from Disaster Movie and, frankly,
one clip from that movie is enough.
Where as one clip from this movie is one too many.
Anyway, they talk and...ugh...he keeps mispronouncing she keeps
misunderstand---you know what, this makes Inspector Clouseau more
fun to watch, so I'm gonna move on before I start actually
recommending it and kick myself for doing so.
After a phallic joke involving the billy clubs and the Keystone Kops
hearing the words “Cop killing...”
If I need to tell you the exact joke, I welcome you to life then want
you to ask grandpa why grandma keeps smiling.
...we jump to the pirates...for a minute and then go back to the Kops
being chicken then back to the pirates. Boy, both of those had a
point. The pirates go to the gate and...suddenly it's time lapsing
to night? Just how far away was that thing, anyway? So they get the
battering ram and...use it to ring the doorbell and say “Avon
calling!”
…
At least when I use the reference humor in this thing, it means
something vs. “This was a thing” like this...uh...thing has!
So the Pirates start wrecking up the place while Frederic sees Mable
hidden in one of the suits of armors. The two talk with him trying
to convince her and everybody else to run, but Mable replies “Have
you tried running in one of these things lately, it's a real bitch.”
Ok, that was funny.
The pirates, all the while the Kops try to hide, managed to get into
the main study but Mable and her sisters were ready to...hit the
pirates' climbing net but not exactly...cut...it...okay...she then
pleads to Frederic to help...only for him to refuse due to his honor,
thus leading the Keystone Kops to come in and...do nothing as the
captain's baton suddenly flies and deflates like a cartoon balloon?
“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”
I DON'T KNOW!
That's it! I've had all I can stanz, I can stanz no more! Let's
wrap this up!
The fight goes into the General's home gym, where it becomes a melee
via somebody pressing the fast forward button in some spots, the
Keystone Kops beating up a pirate...while trying to block the camera
from showing them beating up a pirate...
MOVE ON! MOVE ON! MOVING ON!
...Frederic trying to protect Mable, the dude with the sword from
Radiers of the Lost Arc showing up only for Indiana Jones to
shoot him again, a chef wheeling in cream pies only to reveal he's
not gonna use them but use PIZZA pies instead...
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GAH! WON'T THIS SUCKING THING FTOP!
…
*HEADDESK*
Forget it! I'm not repeating it!
It eventually comes down to Frederic Vs. Mable, he kisses and she
replies with a knee to the groin. The pirates then surround
everybody and are ready to kill...uh...everybody, by starting with
Mable and throwing her into the sea. Realizing this is her dream...
...and this movie has to beat the 1983 adaptation...
...she ups and stops it and demands a happy ending. At first, the
dream world says 'Okay,' as the general knights Frederic and says
marrying Mable gets his approval...only for the dream for SOME REASON
to decide “Nah, gotta honor traditions” as it turns out she can't
get married until her sisters do. The Pirate King reminds her it's a
dream and everybody freezes while she plays match maker between the
pirates and her sisters while the viewer goes for a very stiff drink.
Everybody winds up with somebody, including the Pirate King with Ruth
because he wanted to be with that woman that he was with last night
via Mable's trick...
Who knew tricking somebody into thinking they were another person was
such a turn on?
...and the next day, we get a big wedding to “Give Me A Happy
Ending,” thus ending the dream.
Oh, thank Christ it's o---wait...
(Sees there's 5 minutes left)
…
Yes, we have to go back to the real world where this all started as
the pirate teacher from earlier, the one that inspired Frederic from
the dream, kisses Mable on the lips...
Because sexual assaulting somebody you just met means love in the
early 80's.
...and it finally, MERCUFULLY, ends sometime later with the two
apparently married and walking to a reprise of “Give Me A Happy
Ending,” while I sing “Give Me That Jager Bottle.”
As I said, this thing was a rush job to beat the 1983 The Pirates
Of Penzance adaptation and boy, does it show in most spots,
especially the climax. There's a reason I kept tossing out the “HEY
GUYS...” quote in this thing, after all. Then there's some of the
comedy like having Indiana Jones or Inspector Clouseau pop in and
some of the more Juvenal humor like Ruth waiting 21 years to bed
Frederic...who just turned 21...yeah...saying that's Juvenal's being
nice.
Some of the songs are actually pretty good, the stand outs being
“Victory” and “Give Me A Happy Ending,” and they do a pretty
decent job with the songs from the original play...provided they
don't throw pop culture into the mix.
But then comes the big problem...it's a parody...of a parody.
This, aside from it being a rush job, is probably why a lot of the
jokes are pop culture related or really have nothing to do with the
source material to begin with. The original play was a parody of the
class system and standards back then, so what the heck was the point
of making it a parody of itself? It could've worked just fine as a
rock opera version of The Pirates Of Penzance, the original
play is still viewed as a classic despite the elements it parodies
being long gone, but as a parody of a parody? Yeah...
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FINAL VERDICT: For being a rush job, a parody of a parody, throwing
in pop culture in songs that didn't need it, but bonus points for
some good songs and A funny moment, this movie gets a SUPER ATOMIC
B-MOVIE BOMB! Honestly, if you just got the soundtrack, you'd be a
lot happier. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need something to recover
from this thing so I'm gonna find a copy of Suicide Squad. Hey,
this thing made me dumb enough to call Chevy Chase movies “Art,”
what else would I use to recover from this movie?
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