Pop quiz hot shot, a parody film you
didn't expect to do well just gave your studio MILLIONS in box office
bucks, so you wanna do another one from the same team ASAP, only they
wind up realizing they told all the jokes already so there'd be no
point. So, what do you do? What do you do?
Well, if you're the people behind
Airplane II: The Sequel, you
repeat most of the jokes and pray to God nobody notices.
Yeah,
Airplane made
a lot of money for Paramount and caused it's creative team, David and
Jerry Zucker, and Jim Abrams (ZAZ), to find such success that they
got approval to do a tv series that applied the same formula to
police dramas, Police
Squad. So,
naturally, Paramount wanted to try this again in 1982 (Two years
after the original) and tried to bring the ZAZ team back to do it,
which they said yes...until they realized they hit lightning in a
bottle the first go around and concluded all they'd do would be
repetitive...
Insert
jokes about The
Naked Gun sequels
here.
...and backed away. In fact, as of this writing, they refuse to even
remotely SEE what the end result was. And I don't blame them, as it
repeats almost everything from the last movie, ups the sex without
taste or context half the time, and is just the same movie only IN
SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
So, the movie opens with a text crawl, parodying some movie about
Waring Stars or something, when the text suddenly turns into that
erotic novel you know your mom has hidden somewhere for when your dad
goes on business trips...or the other way around if you have a
working mom...but the spaceship at the center of it crashes into it
before it can get to the...ugh, I can't believe I'm using this
pun...climax.
Let this be a warning for ye who continued.
The
pre-steamy info tells us that it's nearly the end of the 20th Century
as mankind has colonized the moon and a prototype shuttle is ready to
take on passengers ready to make a brand new life. As somebody who
watches Gundam and
sees colony drops half the time on ether Earth or the Moon, I'd at
least bring an umbrella. We then jump to the movie proper, where
it's Houston and THE (near) FUTURE, where people are boarding to go
to the Moon. We see everybody's there, including a priest and a
nun...with their children...oh no...and a security gate that buzzes
whenever a dude goes through but dings when ever a woman does,
complete with...a monitor that shows them topless regardless of
wearing clothes through the terminal...
I know the ZAZ team puts sex in their stuff too, but there's usually
a gag with context behind it!
Even if there wasn't, you KNEW why the gag was there. One of the
warning signs during heavy turbulence in the original movie was a “No
Humping” sign, and since it was made with an adult audience in
mind, the “Mile High Club” pops in one's head. Just...what was
the point of showing the boobs other than
ti---oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh...
After
seeing a gag where E.T. tries to use a pay phone to call home, we
follow that up with a family, the Wilsons (Denis Howard as John,
Marry Farrell as Alice, and Oliver Robins as Jimmy) boarding the
shuttle with their dog, only to have the baggage handler say no dogs
allowed and shoot him! COMEDY! Actually, the dog's fine, he only
THOUGHT he was dead thanks to the reveal that the gun was blanks,
leading the family to have a good laugh over it.
I'm almost 4 minutes in, and I'm already going “This *BLEEP*ing
movie...”
We also have a bit where the monks who gave at the office now run
their own airplane company and give a business man a ticket for the
chanting section. Turns out he was buying for another business man
and the two...uh...kiss before the other guy leaves and asks his
lover to feed the cats...and yes...this was put in as a joke for the
reason you think THEY thought it would be a joke. This *BLEEP*ing
movie...
We then see Elaine (Julie Hagerty) is with a new man, Simon (Chad
Everett), who says the minute they're married, all she has to focus
on is making and taking care of babies. No time to make jokes about
that bit, though, as we jump to the information desk and...the oldest
joke in the book as the desk not only answers questions about the
airport and flights, but what the fastest land animal is, and should
somebody fake their orgasm.
After what felt like TOO long in the terminal (Including two bags
fighting each other like dogs on leashes), we go to mission control
where we hear everything from the weather and landing conditions to
live AM radio and a phone operator. No, a regular one, though I
wouldn't put it past them to have it originally be a sex one. At the
time, kids are touring the place and one of the people who just
locked controls to land for one of the shuttles had left as another
station needed her. Well, this leads to one of the kids thinking
it's a game, causing the shuttle to go nuts and crash land, leaving
the kid angry...until he looks up and saw that he really did make it
explode, causing him to have the 'I did a bad thing, walk away
quietly' look.
Ok, THAT was funny.
Well, that gets screwed up as Bud Kruger (Rip Torn) and the
Commissioner (John Dehner) argue over the safety of the prototype
shuttle, Mayflower 1...or would be if the gag about how loud and
annoying elevator muszak is wasn't blasting over that conversation.
Meh, to me that's just ABBA muzak...and ABBA music...
We go back to the new couple as they give exposition, revealing that
Ted Striker (Robert Hayes) is in the mental institution, the Ronald
Reagan Hospital for the Mentally Ill...ugh...where they say they cure
people the old fashioned way...and we jump to orderlies beating up a
patient. COMEDY!
We then see stuff, including a farmer that thinks he's an accountant,
and Ted's doctor (John Vernon) who gives Ted the paper, which reveals
the shuttle will launch. This causes Ted to remark that his tests
said the shuttle was faulty and that's why he's in there, to shut him
up which causes the doctor to remark that Ted's sick, as the word
sick echos in the room which the doctor...notices...
Ok...one
of the things that made the original Airplane
hilarious
is that everybody took all the gags as normal everyday life. Some of
it resulted in the movie's most memorable moments; “Don't call me
Shirley,” the old white lady that spoke Jive, “It's a different
kind of flying,” etc are all classic moments that are still
referenced, and even used, to this very day.
Having them notice the gags is like explaining a joke, the impact is
lost on the viewer.
After Ted recaps the first movie...making me wish I was watching the
first movie, he says there's more but knows nobody wants to hear it.
The doctor then wishes him to continue as a bunch of people shoot
themselves in the head...leading Striker to react to the gag right
before jumping to the shuttle in question.
Written by a moron, edited by a howler monkey.
Turns
out some wire for the shuttle malfunctioned and fried, leading them
to call Sarge (Chuck Connors) to take a look at it. He then calls
Kruger, who orders him to patch it up and get the shuttle launch
ready, causing him to remark this smells of kick back from the boys.
Turns out the boys, who are actually school boys, didn't like hearing
that and said “SCREW HIM.” Charming. We then jump to the
hospital to see Ted escape as the spotlight...stops on the guy
singing the Love
Boat
theme...ugh...
We
then jump back to terminal, where a man (Sony Bono) is at the gift
shop buying the usual. Ya know, candy, Time, the second time bomb on
the right. Like ya do. And right after that, we see Ted...exit out
of the Pod People truck from Invasion
of the Body Snatchers...
This thing feels like a per-curser to the Movie Movies.
Ted tries to talk Elaine about the faulty equipment, but after
rejecting it and him, we see none other than Peter Graves, only
playing Capt. Over because his character died in the original movie.
He also meets his crew, Unger (Kent McCord) and Dunn (James Watson).
Long painful joke short, it was all to point out that in the war,
Unger was under over and Over was under Dunn, something so bad, I'm
convinced that wasn't Peter Graves in character questioning
everything, that was him ether thinking “Did I do that right” or
“This is our substitute for Roger and Clarence?”
Ted tries one more time to convince Elaine about the faulty design,
but to no avail and to the point where even the sign says “Take
your seat, schmuck.” Jump back to the cockpit of the shuttle, and
it's time to taxi for launch, meaning...the fair sign is pulled down
and the meter's running...
I don't know who hurts more, me for seeing it or you for reading it.
But they need more power, so its time to attach...the jumper cables
to the Plymouth waiting outside... Well, that's just silly!
Everybody knows you wanna jump from a Chevy.
...there's only so many times I can say “This isn't funny,”
folks.
The jump worked as the shuttle launches, leading into looking in on
some of the passengers, such as the bomb guy reading psycho monthly,
and the priest reading an alter boy magazine...that he turns on its
si---
LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY BEHIND YOU! THE NON CONTROVERSAL
WOULD REALLY BE IN BAD TASTE TO COMMENT ON THIS JOKE TODAY SO I'M
RIPPING OFF RADIO DEAD AIR'S JOKE INVISIBLE BUNNY!
We then go back to the Wilson family, where we hear the kid is going
up front to meet the capt...yeah, you know the joke they're gonna do
again, so let's just stick with the rest of the family's gag. The
kid annoys the dad about living on the Moon, including saying a new
start means no more news about his dad's rape trial, leading him to
say disgusting things, and the kid and the wife to think it's ether
the coffee or he's an asshole.
COMEDY!
Look, I'm not above dark humor, but even that needs to know when to
hold it back. And I get it, the purpose of dark humor is to laugh at
something you really shouldn't. But, here's the thing, most dark
humor are things like a psychotic husband and wife talking about what
color drapes would go in their house while killing their neighbors.
Blood splatters on the neighbor's curtains and both of 'em think red
would be perfect. Hell, remember Gas-s-s-s-s? It had a bit
where a bunch of guys were gonna force themselves on one of the
girls, but she remarked ONLY if she got her pick on who went first,
thus making the joke work because the whole power thing is taken
away, THEN it's followed up by the guys not being able to do anything
because she bores them to tears by talking.
Dark humor can work, it's HOW the dark humor is used that makes it
work.
We see other moments, like a lovely couple talk about the time the
husband did acid and couldn't come down for two weeks (Funny), then
Ted open a door that said “Danger, Vacuum” only to have a vacuum
cleaner attack (Not funny). Ted makes a passenger bragging about her
iron stomach sick when he starts to reveal the flashback about the
trial that got him into the hospital in the first place...and
admittedly, the only LONG funny moment of the entire movie.
In the flashback, we see the judge (Raymond Burr...ok, that was
clever/funny) watch as the Prosecuting Attorney (John Larch) grills
Ted in front of a jury...with a still moving jury box. To make Ted's
character look good, they bring up the people he saved in the first
movie starting with one of the jive talkers (Al White), complete with
him not only swearing on the Bible with “Ain't no thing,” but
slamming his hand on it and the clerk slamming with it back.
He then proceeds to give his testimony in jive with subs, while the
stenographer (Stephen Stucker) acts like Stevie Wonder on the keys.
Then comes the next witness, the hysterical woman (Lee Bryant) that
everybody waited in line to slap as the participants drew more and
more weapons as the line went on. Normally, this makes people wish
they saw the better movie...but that flashback ends in a repeat as
the defense attorney, the judge, AND the stenographer take turns
slapping because she's in hysterics again just as the flashback ends,
making the joke actually funny.
Then it's a member of Ted's squad on the stand (Louis Glambalvo) for
the prosecution to continue to show Ted's bonkers. I'll let the bit
speak for itself.
Then comes Elaine's testimony, as the jury gets turned on by how she
and Ted made love, then leads to the doctor from the hospital scene
saying he needs treatment, leading to the events that opened the
movie, ending the flashback...where the woman is now a skeleton.
Meanwhile, the ship's computer gets fried and when they try to point
it out to the computer itself, the computer says nothing's wrong but
Elaine points out where she sits it's wrong...leading it to say “Cut
the 'From where I'm sitting shit'” because the Red/White Zone gag
from the first movie was funny.
After another bit between Elaine, we see Jimmy go into the cockpit
with his dog, as Over notices the dog is a male dog and asks about
Jimmy liking it when said dog humps his leg, because “Do you like
movies about gladiators” was in the first movie.
After Dunn and Ungar try to fix the computer, the computer fixes them
by launching them out of an airlock, causing Striker to think he's
gone off the rails for real when he sees the two floating outside to
some classical music. Over then tells Elaine what's going on while a
waitress tells him about Dunn and Unger being sucked out of the
airlock, asking “Together,” which leads to the waitress and
Elaine saying it together because “It's an entirely different kind
of flying” was funny. He then gets really angry when they're told
they're out of coffee.
Yeah, it's a set up for the next big gag as Elaine tells the
passengers what's going on. At first, the passengers are reasonable,
even when asking her if she's telling everything...then she says the
bit about the coffee, and everybody loses they're minds.
Well, speaking as an American...DON'T YOU DARE COME BETWEEN ME AND MY
CAFFEINE, I'LL CUT YA, MAN! I'LL CUT YA REAL GOOD!
This causes all sorts of chaos, including a wrestling match, and the
sign to rebel as every time Elaine says something to calm them down,
the sign reads “Bullshit” or “Unbelievable Bullshit.”
Hearing the end might come, leads to various confessions, including
the husband and wife from last time, the acid couple, remarking that
they were unfaithful to each other, him his secretary and her with
his last receptionist, Susan.
Because “Gay” is enough for a joke in the 80's...ugh.
Over tries to disarm the computer, but it blasts gas in response as
the Mission Impossible theme plays...which I admit, was
actually funny. We then go back to mission control where McCroskey
(Lloyd Bridges)...and if you remember a scene missing, you're not
alone. There was a scene, that was later restored in the TBS version
when they had the rights, of McCroskey in the same hospital Ted was,
but his reason is that he snapped and thought he was Lloyd Bridges,
in a rip of---”Homage” to the bit where the guy in the hospital
in the first movie thought he was Ethel Merman, only to be played by
Ethel Merman.
Anyway, he goes in and asks for a run down for everything, even
asking Jacobs (Stephen Strucker, in a double role) for everything
from the beginning, leading to that old shtick about when the Earth
was created. We to back to the shuttle, where Over dies and Simon
wants to bail. Elaine tells him she's gonna get Ted, and not to fall
apa---do I really need to say what happens next? The pun is so old,
your mama's mama is telling me to move on.
After a bit that says a young girl is using her last moments to sleep
with half the ship, we go back to Earth and see that the families of
the passengers are...stock footage from The Hunchback of Notre
Dame, right down to using boiling oil to calm 'em down. I'll
give them this credit, they actually had extras dressed up as
executioners holding the boiling oil. That's an extra mile for stock
footage a few decades old. On the ship, Elaine tries to reach Ted,
but he's so out of it, he refuses to help.
And we go back to the girl, again...about to sleep with a
donkey...because the horse joke in the last movie. Jimmy then sits
next to Striker, as he asks if his dog is gonna be ok. This causes
Ted's heart to grow three sizes that day, as he goes to the cockpit
and tries to take the shuttle again AND heals his relationship with
Elaine, leaving EVERYBODY with creepy, yet touching, smiles on their
faces as “Sweet Liberty of Life” starts to play.
Ok, THAT was funny.
They managed to get into contact to mission control for a few minutes
before losing it, so they try the emergency phone...only for it to be
busy.
Ok, that WASN'T funny.
Back on Earth, Bud and the Commissioner show up and ask what does
anybody think, as we hear their thoughts from “They're screwed”
to “Did I leave the iron on?” They reestablish contact and find
out it's the computer causing problems, so the solution is to blow
the computer...and do I need to explain the context of why the
computer gives itself a smiley face? After the preacher says we're
all going to die, more chaos breaks out, including a hockey brawl.
Considering this is outer space, I'm guessing the penalty box is 5
minutes of watching Attack of the Clones.
News spreads, including a bit involving various world news
programs...because first movie.
At mission control, the cops show up and give some info on the guy
that bought the bomb. Turns out, he took out a big policy on his
life for $1,000,000 and is suicidal...problem is he signed up for
AUTO insurance. This causes McCroskey to warn him about it, making
sure everybody's safe before they die in the sun. Striker convinces
one of the waitresses to help get the people out of the way...only
for her to announce that her announcement is for those WITHOUT a
bomb. The bomber gets out of his seat, and is ready to blow the
shuttle sky...er...space high. Ted tackles the guy, causing the bomb
to fly and the dog to fetch it.
Ted then gets an idea: Use the bomb to blow up the computer and
restore control of the ship. After rigging the bomb to do so, Simon
ejects before it could be tried, leading Ted to...oh for the love
of...look right at the camera and said Simon had premature
evacuation.
You read it, I saw it, I hurt more. No contest.
Ted find out that they're gonna ave to talk to Buck Murdock, a man
from Ted's past he flew with in the war. After not taking that news
well, the bomb explodes, freeing the controls and forcing Ted to go
to 0.5 warp, leading to the typical speeding light effects...and a
gag where Elaine is stoned because, get it, it enhances th---why am I
repeating what half of you already know?
We then go to the moon and meet Murdock himself, played by William
Shatner who is EATING every scene that he's in and enjoying that he's
parodying one of his most well known roles. This and the court room
are the only two saving graces in this thing...but that's like saying
you managed to find the one peanut butter filled bar in a box full of
almond bars. This leads to all sorts of jokes that hold up
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than both the movie AND should,
including pulling Ted's personal record...which is a Polka album,
leading Buck to remark it's worse than he thought.
This leads to a bit where Buck asks for periscope, and after ranting
that somebody else is the big cheese and head honcho...
Gee, I wonder where people got the idea that Shatner was so insecure,
he wrote TekWar and Trek V.
...he sees the original Enterprise, then tells Ted how to get
things are back to normal...only for that to screw up when Ted breaks
the lever. After asking if there's anymore levers to pull, Ted tells
him just blinking buttons causing Buck to have a mental break about
all the buttons he's constantly surrounded by. He then says to open
the panel and put a piece of metal in to help stabilize it, causing
Elaine to pull out her hair pin to put in the panel, causing Buck to
ask what a man is doing with a hair pin.
Forget it, if you want to, go ahead, everybody else has at least
cracked a joke about Shatner in a girdle at least once.
This causes the ship to shake and shimmy, as evident by a shot of a
woman's...huge tracks of land...covered in a shirt that reads “Moral
Majority.” Yeah, I don't know ether. Oh no, the joke is because
the breast physics from the first movie during the turbulence, the
“Moral Majority,” is the one I don't know. Ted and Elaine see
the base...because they're about to crash into it, something its
staff notices, but Buck not so much as it crashes right through the
base and makes a rough landing right on the moon!
Where apparently, there's air and atmosphere as nobody's head
explodes or anything. The passengers get out fine, Buck keeps
talking as the scene morphs into Ted and Elaine getting married, the
bomber asks for his briefcase back, and the credits roll with
a...montage of everything we just saw!?
NO! NO! WE'RE GOOD! WE ARE GOOD!
Well, actually, we're between ok and ugh with it.
The good news is this is actually less stupid than I remember
it...though to be fair, I started off with one of the worst parodies
ever made with this month, so that might factor in...but there are
SOME legit funny moments. The court scene, Shatner having a ball
with his scenes, and so on. And considering half the cast is from
the last movie, it's clear they still enjoyed working together and
had no problems carrying over that chemistry with new members.
But it's still stupid.
60-80% of this thing is “Jokes from last movie, rinse, and repeat.”
You've seen it before in the last movie, you seen it again with
this. Other jokes are old standbys that everybody sees coming, even
if they never saw the first movie. Even the Shatner stuff is
“Because Robert Stack bit was funny,” and that was the best part
of this thing. It's lazy, uninspired, and weak. And don't get me
started on how they screwed up both dark AND screwball comedy. Just
because the last movie was loaded with sex gags doesn't mean the
formula is “Boobs equals comedy.”
But if you can overlook the repeat/predictable jokes, poor attempts
at sex comedy, and even worse attempts at dark comedy, you might
enjoy this. Mainly ironic, save for the court and Shatner stuff (The
only funny long bits), but I got some intentional yuks out of it.
However, if you want the full comedy effect, go for the original, you
won't be disappointed in that regard.
FINAL VERDICT: For not getting dark/sex humor, for lazily repeating
what came before, but bonus points for the court room and Shatner
scenes, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Honestly, I wish I
started with this BEFORE the 1967 Casino Royale, I don't feel
so drained. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take my final Fools of
April review somewhere...hmmm...but where?
And yes, the fact I picked a knock off should be an actual clue...but
I can't just do it based on location...it needs to have that extra,
that oomph, that thing that says “Really really stupid...”
No comments:
Post a Comment