So, you work for the Asylum and you
guys hear about the upcoming RoboCop reboot.
Naturally, your studio wants to make a mockbuster to ride it's
possible coat tails and make a profit! Sure, when you plan to
release it, it'll be out at the same time, thus no telling if it'll
even make a profit for itself, let alone if you can make one from it.
Then the other
problem: Your place of employment.
But
wait! You found some loose change, you have some black spray paint,
football pads, a leotard, and a skinny bean poll! Bam! You have
Android Cop!
Yes, when the 2014 RoboCop reboot came-a-callin', the Asylum
wasn't that far behind, ready to make sure your nearsighted
grandparent thinks they got the blockbuster for your birthday! And
that's not just me saying it, the Asylum has actually EMBRACED that
they're practices are more or less a tackier version of singing
“We're in the money.” But a mockbuster does not a bad movie
make, no, no, no...an ASYLUM mockbuster does a bad movie make. With
a budget of “Thank God we live in LA, most expenses went to get the
guy who played the live action Spawn,” filming ambition that said
“Quick, get this section done before we have to resume Z-Nation,”
and the attitude that says “If we do a wink and nod to the
movie, we're just like the movie,” this rust bucket had only two
chances: So bad it's awful, or so bad it's a blast to mock.
So, the movie opens in LA in 2037, buildings are in ruin, buses are
just sitting and gathering dust, cops are corrupt---
...I THINK it's 2037 LA...
...when our hero, Hammond (Michael Jai White) goes off the grid for
some info on some activity, when it turns out it was all a trap via a
chain gun for him and his partner, Dontbother Heswisschez. We then
jump to sometime later as Hammond is part of an extraction team,
where we find out the Big One hit, causing several power stations to
go nuclear in the damage, thus dividing what's left into zones. The
plan? Stop the drug kingpin in one of the zones, cut of a huge chunk
of the drug trade!
Good call, nuked pot did a number on those kids from Tromaville...
Anyway, turns out they have to cut through a section that's full of
radiated people that won't let 'em pass unless they make some deals,
including for some Mexican Coke with real sugar! Dude, go for
Japanese Pepsi, there's at least yogurt in one of those! They do get
around and break into the targeted building, only to find an old
radiated woman and a bunch of people ready to help move their target.
Which works, as the cops fall for the old fake arm in the chair
housing a gun gag! Always a classic.
A fight breaks out between the two groups and their toy gun sound
effects...must've raided a closing Toys R Us...as a fist to fist
fight breaks out between Hammond and some idiot that doesn't realize
he's fighting Michael Jai White. After that, Hammond runs off on his
own, thinking he's found the target while backup arrived...the local
high school halfback!
No, it's the android cop himself (Randy Wayne), as his solution to
stop this is...launching a grenade right behind Hammond and the
crook! There, he saved you by damn near killing you, you should be
grateful! But he's not, as this is an Asylum movie, we gotta go for
future sci-fi cliché No. 24: The cop hates the new machine. So, of
course, the new machine is assigned to Hammond as a partner, under
the pretense of sci-fi cliché No. 45: Screw up the prototype so much
because success means our jobs are done.
While all this is going on, the new cop (Named Andy) and Hammond are
under watch by two crooked cops, lead by Sgt. Jones (Kadeem
Hardison), worried that the new robot was sent by people trying to
stop them. But there's no time to worry about that now, as Andy and
Hammond get their first call, namely a jumper ready to end it
all...in a sequence that says it was filmed in two different days...I
think. Yes, only the Asylum can make the same location feel like
it's filmed in a different place or day.
So, Hammond gets the bright idea to talk to the guy about organ
donation to avoid jumping...which naturally causes the guy to think
Hammond is nuts. Andy's plan is to simply hack into his phone and
the phone of the woman he's fighting with, causing the two to reunite
and be happy! Don't think about the implications, just be happy,
damn it!
After
that, the two get a call to the mayor's for his missing daughter,
Helen (Larissa
Vereza), or specifically, her body as she's really in a coma, but her
mind is hooked up to an android...and they can't find the android.
That's a helluva thing to misplace, hate to see what happens when you
lose your keys. And, no, they can't just simply wake her up as she's
actually in a coma and nobody told her she was hooked up to an
android.
...wait,
if nobody told her she's an android, what happens when she gets
hungry or has to go to the bath---
LOOK
WHAT THIS MOVIE HAS ME ASKING!
The
two leave...without their sirens flashing...
Oooh,
somebody didn't get the permit to do that!
...to
talk to a shady dude at a bar who's connected to the underworld. Ah,
now we're to cop movie cliches! So, he tries to play bad cop, but
Andy takes the good cop act too literal, saying he couldn't find
anything to lock the guy up. The kicker? Hammond used ANDY as the
threat. Nothing like the local high school half back with hockey
gloves that got a shave to put the fear of God into ya, huh? So, he
goes over what he was trying to do and once Andy realizes it was good
cop/bad cop...he goes too far in the other direction AGAIN and offers
to call the police on Hammond for the guy. This leads to Hammond
accusing Andy to malfunction, and the two fi---uh...dosy-do around
the bar and out the window...oh, c'mon, you have one of the leading
action movie martial artists in your movie! The guy in the high
school halfback get up can't be that hard to kick!
Well,
turns out it was a set up to trace the call Hammond knew the thug was
gonna make after the...fight(?) and Andy...rolls with it after making
some remarks...wait, if he knew this was an act, why did he take good
cop/bad call so---screw it, it's the Asylum, moving on. The thug
makes the call, and off our heroes go in their police car, saying
they need to go in with no sirens and lights because they didn't get
the permission to do---I mean “Sneak in quietly.”
They
go into where the signal was, the set of...I mean the post
Apocalyptic wasteland! Yes, not the set of Z-Nation where
they only have so much time to film in between seasons! While that's
going on, we find out the two cops watching through Andy on a monitor
are in league with the corrupt mayor (Charles S. Dutton) and the plan
is to use the missing daughter('s android body) case as an excuse to
have them drive so far into the set...I mean 'zone...'that our heroes
would have no choice, but shoot up every gang they meet or die. AND
if the gangs kill them, war were declared and the cops can wipe 'em
out without problems.
...are
we POSITIVE this isn't modern LA?
After
exposition that comes out of no where that says the Mayor doesn't
view Helen as his daughter, he then comments that the two cops are
what the city needs and asks who are they, leading them to say
“They're the future of law enforcement” before leaving.
OW!
OW! OW! THAT FORCED REFERENCE HURT! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
They
go into the zombie se---I mean semi-abandoned town, seeing various
gangs eyeballing them as Andy shouts there's nothing unusual to see.
I don't know, Spawn walking with the local high school halfback would
have me wondering what's in the water supply. After seeing that the
phone they were looking for was in a bin, they try to go back to the
car call for back up when Andy can't reach HQ only for Helen to pop
up and shout for 'em to stand back because somebody rigged the car to
go boom.
This
leads Helen to have the two come with her as the two cops watching
lose Andy's vision and rig it so the gangs think they killed a gang
member, thus marking them as a target. Sure enough, they get
ambushed...by a gang full of dads (Or at least dad bodies) as the
fi---I blinked, what happened? Yeah, after one shot against an ax
welding dad, the gang backs off and Helen takes the heroes to her
hideout.
Considering
it was dads welding pipes and axes vs. two cops with guns? Yeah, no
duh.
Once
there, they see a woman covered in radiation sores, yet she gave
birth to a normal baby thus revealing the environment isn't
radioactive at all, but something is causing similar effects thus
allowing property holders and such to cover it up as a way to thin
out the gangs. Realizing they're screwed if they stay any longer,
and Helen needs to get into protective custody, they aim to get to
higher ground to get a better reception...until they're stopped by
the one of the cars that ate Paris!
…
GET
SOME AUSTRALIAN CULTURE, PEOPLE!
You're
welcome, lets move on.
Actually,
it's a car full of spikes and more gang members in their way.
Naturally, gang war were declared on the cops and Helen, but because
Andy's wearing the halfback pads of heroism, he takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin' as both he and Hammond get Helen out of there and to
the tallest building in the land with them...only to be stopped by an
amateur motocross rider!
Now
THAT I know you got!
The
rider gets taken out, but the car that ate Paris makes a return,
cutting off the heroes from the tower. It tries to make another,
when the thug Hammond offered the stuff to in the first act shows up
and stops them for the time being.
I
guess somebody really need that Car that Ate Paris for their b-movie
cosplay.
Must've
take 'em a while because now it's night and our heroes made it into
the tower, only to find it's loaded with dead bodies they have to
push through to get to the top. Just as long as they don't come back
to life, I've played that part of the Resident Evil franchise.
The gangs show off, but Andy offers to stay and get as many as he
can while Hammond protects Helen...(Sees the hockey stick in a gang
member's hand) ...from the Mighty Ducks.
Eventually,
Andy shoots a gang member that...for some reason...has his helmet and
they all make it to the roof right after he puts it back on. In the
chaos, Helen gets wounded and realizes that she's not in her regular
body, but an android's. Again, if she's been in the body the whole
time, what about times where she doesn't eat or questioning about not
needing to go to the bath---
GAH,
LOOK WHAT THIS THING IS MAKING ME ASK!
She
comes to terms with it just as the LAPD land on the roof thanks to
Andy making the call. But when the head cop comes out, Andy detects
the guy's BS and knows he's up to something, so tells Hammond to take
Helen and run...only for the cop to tell his partner to override the
android...revealed to actually be HAMMOND!
Yes,
it turns out that Hammond actually nearly died from the opening
earlier, and wound up got the same thing Helen got, only he's
hardwired to the LAPD, thus forcing him to get out his gun and get
ready to shoot Helen. Thing is though, they underestimated his will
power to resist and are having trouble with the whole “Kill girl to
cover up plot” thing.
Don't
you hate it when you, the dragon to the evil mastermind, has gotta
recall the android over “Conscious?”
But
the events actually cause Hammond to remember how he got here, along
with Helen, as they were BOTH victims of the gun from the opening as
she was trying to save his life. This is enough to not only override
the system, but make the computer controlling him from the other side
of town explode!
I'd
say something about not working that way, but I think we all heard
this...
Andy
tries to fight the cops, but all he can do is shoot them in the armor
that had the same shielding. The cops flee the building while our
heroes wind up cornered by the gangs...only for the gangs to give
them the car that ate Paris to drive out of the zone. This causes
the corrupt cops, who are in with the mayor on the deal to clear the
gangs and the poor out, to go with plan B: Unplug Helen and Hammond
from their bodies! Boy, hope the hospital is in on this, other wise
the nurse would think “Hey, I left them alone with that cop...”
While
that's going on, Hammond concludes that the reason the people are
getting sick is due to the food the Mayor and his people drop of,
concluding this because of a newspaper article he saw hung at the
Mayor's house. Curse politicians need to show off they did good!
After saying this, the cop guarding Hammond plays with the touch
screen 1996 Pacard-Bell computer screen...
Because
a 2000's neon blue Apple would break the Asylum's bank.
...causing
Hammond's life support to go dead, with Helen's to follow. Thus,
they have to take a shortcut down the L.A. River. What? It's the
future, like that thing's ever gonna get fu---huh? Anywho, the bad
cops sport it, leaving Andy to try to shoot down the giant CGI ship
with his air pistol! It...well, not so much works, more scares it
away, when both Hammond's and Helen's robot bodies start feeling the
effects of their human ones about to die.
Meh,
I felt the same way when I saw Justice League, they'll be
fine.
Eventually,
the bad guys catch up to our heroes and, of course, the head bad cop
has to get one last taunt. Problem? This is Michael Jai White, and
he's in a Car that ate Paris! They go to the top of a car garage
that's right next to the hospital, jump off the garage while Andy
jumps off the car and lands on the bad guys' flying machine, causing
it to crash and kill them all the wile Hammond and Helen land on
their floor next to a previously called member of the press where she
tells her story!
I'd
say how awesomely stupid this was, especially for an Asylum movie,
but...again, we're all thinking this!
Hammond's
dies in the room but the fate of Helen's, so far, is unknown when
Andy shows up to give her the b-movie all healing shot. Right after,
the Mayor shows up and tries to spew that she had a DNR order and
ready to pull the plug...but then the b-movie all healing shot kicked
in, waking her up! Naturally, she asks why the Mayor's been doing
this, causing him to freak out and shouting she should've been dead.
Naturally, Andy recorded it and broadcasted it over the PA, causing
the Mayor to grab a nearby gun from a cop and shoot himself in the
head, causing red food coloring to go all over the walls!
It's
the Asylum, corn syrup would cost extra.
We
then jump to a...kinda...epilogue, revealing that Hammond's android
body is now independent from his human body as his mind is downloaded into the android body. Which leads to the joke, that he
says, that he's now a Human-Droidican-American that stopped living
and became a mixed up zombie.
Ok,
ok, I added that bit after “Human-Droidican-American,” but I'm a
MST3K fan, it's the law!
They
get a call and drive into the city, sirens dead silent due to that
pesky “Didn't get legal permission” thing, again.
You
know, I'd be happy if more Asylum movies were like this, the same
amount of stupid fun you'd fine in an episode of Z-Nation or a
Sharknado movie. It's well aware it's a knock off, as are
most of the actors, so they just have a bit of fun with it, which
means you have a bit of fun watching it. Only downside is a couple
of plot holes, like if Hammond wasn't aware that he was an android
this whole time, why didn't he question never getting hungry or never
having the need to go to the bath---GAH, WHY IS THIS THING MAKING ME
ASK THAT!? But if you can overlook those and just wanna see a some
actors have some fun earning a paycheck, this thing's worth a rental.
FINAL
VERDICT: For being more fun than other Asylum knock offs, this movie
gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Overall, this is just a fun little
movie...unlike most of the Asylum's knock offs. Now, if you'll excuse
me, this movie has me wanting to get a POLICE car that ate Paris!
Can't get that pesky “Permission” thing for the siren
though...meh, I got the perfect substitute!
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