Late late LATE Update

Hey guys, I know it's been six months since I posted something, but two things got in the way: Real life...and the Asylum's rip off of King Arthur...is frakin' BORING!  I'll find something new before the year's out, in the meantime, I'll get back to the Asylum movie next year.  Kinda hard to make laughter out of a snooze fest.

B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: Airplane II: The Sequel (Spoilers)

Pop quiz hot shot, a parody film you didn't expect to do well just gave your studio MILLIONS in box office bucks, so you wanna do another one from the same team ASAP, only they wind up realizing they told all the jokes already so there'd be no point. So, what do you do? What do you do?

Well, if you're the people behind Airplane II: The Sequel, you repeat most of the jokes and pray to God nobody notices.

Yeah, Airplane made a lot of money for Paramount and caused it's creative team, David and Jerry Zucker, and Jim Abrams (ZAZ), to find such success that they got approval to do a tv series that applied the same formula to police dramas, Police Squad. So, naturally, Paramount wanted to try this again in 1982 (Two years after the original) and tried to bring the ZAZ team back to do it, which they said yes...until they realized they hit lightning in a bottle the first go around and concluded all they'd do would be repetitive...

Insert jokes about The Naked Gun sequels here.

...and backed away. In fact, as of this writing, they refuse to even remotely SEE what the end result was. And I don't blame them, as it repeats almost everything from the last movie, ups the sex without taste or context half the time, and is just the same movie only IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So, the movie opens with a text crawl, parodying some movie about Waring Stars or something, when the text suddenly turns into that erotic novel you know your mom has hidden somewhere for when your dad goes on business trips...or the other way around if you have a working mom...but the spaceship at the center of it crashes into it before it can get to the...ugh, I can't believe I'm using this pun...climax.

Let this be a warning for ye who continued.

The pre-steamy info tells us that it's nearly the end of the 20th Century as mankind has colonized the moon and a prototype shuttle is ready to take on passengers ready to make a brand new life. As somebody who watches Gundam and sees colony drops half the time on ether Earth or the Moon, I'd at least bring an umbrella. We then jump to the movie proper, where it's Houston and THE (near) FUTURE, where people are boarding to go to the Moon. We see everybody's there, including a priest and a nun...with their children...oh no...and a security gate that buzzes whenever a dude goes through but dings when ever a woman does, complete with...a monitor that shows them topless regardless of wearing clothes through the terminal...

I know the ZAZ team puts sex in their stuff too, but there's usually a gag with context behind it!

Even if there wasn't, you KNEW why the gag was there. One of the warning signs during heavy turbulence in the original movie was a “No Humping” sign, and since it was made with an adult audience in mind, the “Mile High Club” pops in one's head. Just...what was the point of showing the boobs other than ti---oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

After seeing a gag where E.T. tries to use a pay phone to call home, we follow that up with a family, the Wilsons (Denis Howard as John, Marry Farrell as Alice, and Oliver Robins as Jimmy) boarding the shuttle with their dog, only to have the baggage handler say no dogs allowed and shoot him! COMEDY! Actually, the dog's fine, he only THOUGHT he was dead thanks to the reveal that the gun was blanks, leading the family to have a good laugh over it.

I'm almost 4 minutes in, and I'm already going “This *BLEEP*ing movie...”

We also have a bit where the monks who gave at the office now run their own airplane company and give a business man a ticket for the chanting section. Turns out he was buying for another business man and the two...uh...kiss before the other guy leaves and asks his lover to feed the cats...and yes...this was put in as a joke for the reason you think THEY thought it would be a joke. This *BLEEP*ing movie...

We then see Elaine (Julie Hagerty) is with a new man, Simon (Chad Everett), who says the minute they're married, all she has to focus on is making and taking care of babies. No time to make jokes about that bit, though, as we jump to the information desk and...the oldest joke in the book as the desk not only answers questions about the airport and flights, but what the fastest land animal is, and should somebody fake their orgasm.

After what felt like TOO long in the terminal (Including two bags fighting each other like dogs on leashes), we go to mission control where we hear everything from the weather and landing conditions to live AM radio and a phone operator. No, a regular one, though I wouldn't put it past them to have it originally be a sex one. At the time, kids are touring the place and one of the people who just locked controls to land for one of the shuttles had left as another station needed her. Well, this leads to one of the kids thinking it's a game, causing the shuttle to go nuts and crash land, leaving the kid angry...until he looks up and saw that he really did make it explode, causing him to have the 'I did a bad thing, walk away quietly' look.

Ok, THAT was funny.

Well, that gets screwed up as Bud Kruger (Rip Torn) and the Commissioner (John Dehner) argue over the safety of the prototype shuttle, Mayflower 1...or would be if the gag about how loud and annoying elevator muszak is wasn't blasting over that conversation. Meh, to me that's just ABBA muzak...and ABBA music...

We go back to the new couple as they give exposition, revealing that Ted Striker (Robert Hayes) is in the mental institution, the Ronald Reagan Hospital for the Mentally Ill...ugh...where they say they cure people the old fashioned way...and we jump to orderlies beating up a patient. COMEDY!

We then see stuff, including a farmer that thinks he's an accountant, and Ted's doctor (John Vernon) who gives Ted the paper, which reveals the shuttle will launch. This causes Ted to remark that his tests said the shuttle was faulty and that's why he's in there, to shut him up which causes the doctor to remark that Ted's sick, as the word sick echos in the room which the doctor...notices...

Ok...one of the things that made the original Airplane hilarious is that everybody took all the gags as normal everyday life. Some of it resulted in the movie's most memorable moments; “Don't call me Shirley,” the old white lady that spoke Jive, “It's a different kind of flying,” etc are all classic moments that are still referenced, and even used, to this very day.

Having them notice the gags is like explaining a joke, the impact is lost on the viewer.

After Ted recaps the first movie...making me wish I was watching the first movie, he says there's more but knows nobody wants to hear it. The doctor then wishes him to continue as a bunch of people shoot themselves in the head...leading Striker to react to the gag right before jumping to the shuttle in question.

Written by a moron, edited by a howler monkey.

Turns out some wire for the shuttle malfunctioned and fried, leading them to call Sarge (Chuck Connors) to take a look at it. He then calls Kruger, who orders him to patch it up and get the shuttle launch ready, causing him to remark this smells of kick back from the boys. Turns out the boys, who are actually school boys, didn't like hearing that and said “SCREW HIM.” Charming. We then jump to the hospital to see Ted escape as the spotlight...stops on the guy singing the Love Boat theme...ugh...

We then jump back to terminal, where a man (Sony Bono) is at the gift shop buying the usual. Ya know, candy, Time, the second time bomb on the right. Like ya do. And right after that, we see Ted...exit out of the Pod People truck from Invasion of the Body Snatchers...

This thing feels like a per-curser to the Movie Movies.

Ted tries to talk Elaine about the faulty equipment, but after rejecting it and him, we see none other than Peter Graves, only playing Capt. Over because his character died in the original movie. He also meets his crew, Unger (Kent McCord) and Dunn (James Watson). Long painful joke short, it was all to point out that in the war, Unger was under over and Over was under Dunn, something so bad, I'm convinced that wasn't Peter Graves in character questioning everything, that was him ether thinking “Did I do that right” or “This is our substitute for Roger and Clarence?”

Ted tries one more time to convince Elaine about the faulty design, but to no avail and to the point where even the sign says “Take your seat, schmuck.” Jump back to the cockpit of the shuttle, and it's time to taxi for launch, meaning...the fair sign is pulled down and the meter's running...

I don't know who hurts more, me for seeing it or you for reading it.

But they need more power, so its time to attach...the jumper cables to the Plymouth waiting outside... Well, that's just silly! Everybody knows you wanna jump from a Chevy.

...there's only so many times I can say “This isn't funny,” folks.

The jump worked as the shuttle launches, leading into looking in on some of the passengers, such as the bomb guy reading psycho monthly, and the priest reading an alter boy magazine...that he turns on its si---

LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY BEHIND YOU! THE NON CONTROVERSAL WOULD REALLY BE IN BAD TASTE TO COMMENT ON THIS JOKE TODAY SO I'M RIPPING OFF RADIO DEAD AIR'S JOKE INVISIBLE BUNNY!

We then go back to the Wilson family, where we hear the kid is going up front to meet the capt...yeah, you know the joke they're gonna do again, so let's just stick with the rest of the family's gag. The kid annoys the dad about living on the Moon, including saying a new start means no more news about his dad's rape trial, leading him to say disgusting things, and the kid and the wife to think it's ether the coffee or he's an asshole.

COMEDY!

Look, I'm not above dark humor, but even that needs to know when to hold it back. And I get it, the purpose of dark humor is to laugh at something you really shouldn't. But, here's the thing, most dark humor are things like a psychotic husband and wife talking about what color drapes would go in their house while killing their neighbors. Blood splatters on the neighbor's curtains and both of 'em think red would be perfect. Hell, remember Gas-s-s-s-s? It had a bit where a bunch of guys were gonna force themselves on one of the girls, but she remarked ONLY if she got her pick on who went first, thus making the joke work because the whole power thing is taken away, THEN it's followed up by the guys not being able to do anything because she bores them to tears by talking.

Dark humor can work, it's HOW the dark humor is used that makes it work.

We see other moments, like a lovely couple talk about the time the husband did acid and couldn't come down for two weeks (Funny), then Ted open a door that said “Danger, Vacuum” only to have a vacuum cleaner attack (Not funny). Ted makes a passenger bragging about her iron stomach sick when he starts to reveal the flashback about the trial that got him into the hospital in the first place...and admittedly, the only LONG funny moment of the entire movie.

In the flashback, we see the judge (Raymond Burr...ok, that was clever/funny) watch as the Prosecuting Attorney (John Larch) grills Ted in front of a jury...with a still moving jury box. To make Ted's character look good, they bring up the people he saved in the first movie starting with one of the jive talkers (Al White), complete with him not only swearing on the Bible with “Ain't no thing,” but slamming his hand on it and the clerk slamming with it back.

He then proceeds to give his testimony in jive with subs, while the stenographer (Stephen Stucker) acts like Stevie Wonder on the keys. Then comes the next witness, the hysterical woman (Lee Bryant) that everybody waited in line to slap as the participants drew more and more weapons as the line went on. Normally, this makes people wish they saw the better movie...but that flashback ends in a repeat as the defense attorney, the judge, AND the stenographer take turns slapping because she's in hysterics again just as the flashback ends, making the joke actually funny.

Then it's a member of Ted's squad on the stand (Louis Glambalvo) for the prosecution to continue to show Ted's bonkers. I'll let the bit speak for itself.

Then comes Elaine's testimony, as the jury gets turned on by how she and Ted made love, then leads to the doctor from the hospital scene saying he needs treatment, leading to the events that opened the movie, ending the flashback...where the woman is now a skeleton.

Meanwhile, the ship's computer gets fried and when they try to point it out to the computer itself, the computer says nothing's wrong but Elaine points out where she sits it's wrong...leading it to say “Cut the 'From where I'm sitting shit'” because the Red/White Zone gag from the first movie was funny.

After another bit between Elaine, we see Jimmy go into the cockpit with his dog, as Over notices the dog is a male dog and asks about Jimmy liking it when said dog humps his leg, because “Do you like movies about gladiators” was in the first movie.

After Dunn and Ungar try to fix the computer, the computer fixes them by launching them out of an airlock, causing Striker to think he's gone off the rails for real when he sees the two floating outside to some classical music. Over then tells Elaine what's going on while a waitress tells him about Dunn and Unger being sucked out of the airlock, asking “Together,” which leads to the waitress and Elaine saying it together because “It's an entirely different kind of flying” was funny. He then gets really angry when they're told they're out of coffee.

Yeah, it's a set up for the next big gag as Elaine tells the passengers what's going on. At first, the passengers are reasonable, even when asking her if she's telling everything...then she says the bit about the coffee, and everybody loses they're minds.

Well, speaking as an American...DON'T YOU DARE COME BETWEEN ME AND MY CAFFEINE, I'LL CUT YA, MAN! I'LL CUT YA REAL GOOD!

This causes all sorts of chaos, including a wrestling match, and the sign to rebel as every time Elaine says something to calm them down, the sign reads “Bullshit” or “Unbelievable Bullshit.” Hearing the end might come, leads to various confessions, including the husband and wife from last time, the acid couple, remarking that they were unfaithful to each other, him his secretary and her with his last receptionist, Susan.

Because “Gay” is enough for a joke in the 80's...ugh.

Over tries to disarm the computer, but it blasts gas in response as the Mission Impossible theme plays...which I admit, was actually funny. We then go back to mission control where McCroskey (Lloyd Bridges)...and if you remember a scene missing, you're not alone. There was a scene, that was later restored in the TBS version when they had the rights, of McCroskey in the same hospital Ted was, but his reason is that he snapped and thought he was Lloyd Bridges, in a rip of---”Homage” to the bit where the guy in the hospital in the first movie thought he was Ethel Merman, only to be played by Ethel Merman.

Anyway, he goes in and asks for a run down for everything, even asking Jacobs (Stephen Strucker, in a double role) for everything from the beginning, leading to that old shtick about when the Earth was created. We to back to the shuttle, where Over dies and Simon wants to bail. Elaine tells him she's gonna get Ted, and not to fall apa---do I really need to say what happens next? The pun is so old, your mama's mama is telling me to move on.

After a bit that says a young girl is using her last moments to sleep with half the ship, we go back to Earth and see that the families of the passengers are...stock footage from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, right down to using boiling oil to calm 'em down. I'll give them this credit, they actually had extras dressed up as executioners holding the boiling oil. That's an extra mile for stock footage a few decades old. On the ship, Elaine tries to reach Ted, but he's so out of it, he refuses to help.

And we go back to the girl, again...about to sleep with a donkey...because the horse joke in the last movie. Jimmy then sits next to Striker, as he asks if his dog is gonna be ok. This causes Ted's heart to grow three sizes that day, as he goes to the cockpit and tries to take the shuttle again AND heals his relationship with Elaine, leaving EVERYBODY with creepy, yet touching, smiles on their faces as “Sweet Liberty of Life” starts to play.

Ok, THAT was funny.

They managed to get into contact to mission control for a few minutes before losing it, so they try the emergency phone...only for it to be busy.

Ok, that WASN'T funny.

Back on Earth, Bud and the Commissioner show up and ask what does anybody think, as we hear their thoughts from “They're screwed” to “Did I leave the iron on?” They reestablish contact and find out it's the computer causing problems, so the solution is to blow the computer...and do I need to explain the context of why the computer gives itself a smiley face? After the preacher says we're all going to die, more chaos breaks out, including a hockey brawl. Considering this is outer space, I'm guessing the penalty box is 5 minutes of watching Attack of the Clones.

News spreads, including a bit involving various world news programs...because first movie.

At mission control, the cops show up and give some info on the guy that bought the bomb. Turns out, he took out a big policy on his life for $1,000,000 and is suicidal...problem is he signed up for AUTO insurance. This causes McCroskey to warn him about it, making sure everybody's safe before they die in the sun. Striker convinces one of the waitresses to help get the people out of the way...only for her to announce that her announcement is for those WITHOUT a bomb. The bomber gets out of his seat, and is ready to blow the shuttle sky...er...space high. Ted tackles the guy, causing the bomb to fly and the dog to fetch it.

Ted then gets an idea: Use the bomb to blow up the computer and restore control of the ship. After rigging the bomb to do so, Simon ejects before it could be tried, leading Ted to...oh for the love of...look right at the camera and said Simon had premature evacuation.

You read it, I saw it, I hurt more. No contest.

Ted find out that they're gonna ave to talk to Buck Murdock, a man from Ted's past he flew with in the war. After not taking that news well, the bomb explodes, freeing the controls and forcing Ted to go to 0.5 warp, leading to the typical speeding light effects...and a gag where Elaine is stoned because, get it, it enhances th---why am I repeating what half of you already know?

We then go to the moon and meet Murdock himself, played by William Shatner who is EATING every scene that he's in and enjoying that he's parodying one of his most well known roles. This and the court room are the only two saving graces in this thing...but that's like saying you managed to find the one peanut butter filled bar in a box full of almond bars. This leads to all sorts of jokes that hold up WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY better than both the movie AND should, including pulling Ted's personal record...which is a Polka album, leading Buck to remark it's worse than he thought.

This leads to a bit where Buck asks for periscope, and after ranting that somebody else is the big cheese and head honcho...

Gee, I wonder where people got the idea that Shatner was so insecure, he wrote TekWar and Trek V.

...he sees the original Enterprise, then tells Ted how to get things are back to normal...only for that to screw up when Ted breaks the lever. After asking if there's anymore levers to pull, Ted tells him just blinking buttons causing Buck to have a mental break about all the buttons he's constantly surrounded by. He then says to open the panel and put a piece of metal in to help stabilize it, causing Elaine to pull out her hair pin to put in the panel, causing Buck to ask what a man is doing with a hair pin.

Forget it, if you want to, go ahead, everybody else has at least cracked a joke about Shatner in a girdle at least once.

This causes the ship to shake and shimmy, as evident by a shot of a woman's...huge tracks of land...covered in a shirt that reads “Moral Majority.” Yeah, I don't know ether. Oh no, the joke is because the breast physics from the first movie during the turbulence, the “Moral Majority,” is the one I don't know. Ted and Elaine see the base...because they're about to crash into it, something its staff notices, but Buck not so much as it crashes right through the base and makes a rough landing right on the moon!

Where apparently, there's air and atmosphere as nobody's head explodes or anything. The passengers get out fine, Buck keeps talking as the scene morphs into Ted and Elaine getting married, the bomber asks for his briefcase back, and the credits roll with a...montage of everything we just saw!?

NO! NO! WE'RE GOOD! WE ARE GOOD!

Well, actually, we're between ok and ugh with it.

The good news is this is actually less stupid than I remember it...though to be fair, I started off with one of the worst parodies ever made with this month, so that might factor in...but there are SOME legit funny moments. The court scene, Shatner having a ball with his scenes, and so on. And considering half the cast is from the last movie, it's clear they still enjoyed working together and had no problems carrying over that chemistry with new members.

But it's still stupid.

60-80% of this thing is “Jokes from last movie, rinse, and repeat.” You've seen it before in the last movie, you seen it again with this. Other jokes are old standbys that everybody sees coming, even if they never saw the first movie. Even the Shatner stuff is “Because Robert Stack bit was funny,” and that was the best part of this thing. It's lazy, uninspired, and weak. And don't get me started on how they screwed up both dark AND screwball comedy. Just because the last movie was loaded with sex gags doesn't mean the formula is “Boobs equals comedy.”

But if you can overlook the repeat/predictable jokes, poor attempts at sex comedy, and even worse attempts at dark comedy, you might enjoy this. Mainly ironic, save for the court and Shatner stuff (The only funny long bits), but I got some intentional yuks out of it. However, if you want the full comedy effect, go for the original, you won't be disappointed in that regard.

FINAL VERDICT: For not getting dark/sex humor, for lazily repeating what came before, but bonus points for the court room and Shatner scenes, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Honestly, I wish I started with this BEFORE the 1967 Casino Royale, I don't feel so drained. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take my final Fools of April review somewhere...hmmm...but where?

And yes, the fact I picked a knock off should be an actual clue...but I can't just do it based on location...it needs to have that extra, that oomph, that thing that says “Really really stupid...”

B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: Android Cop (Spoilers)

So, you work for the Asylum and you guys hear about the upcoming RoboCop reboot. Naturally, your studio wants to make a mockbuster to ride it's possible coat tails and make a profit! Sure, when you plan to release it, it'll be out at the same time, thus no telling if it'll even make a profit for itself, let alone if you can make one from it.

Then the other problem: Your place of employment.

But wait! You found some loose change, you have some black spray paint, football pads, a leotard, and a skinny bean poll! Bam! You have Android Cop!

Yes, when the 2014 RoboCop reboot came-a-callin', the Asylum wasn't that far behind, ready to make sure your nearsighted grandparent thinks they got the blockbuster for your birthday! And that's not just me saying it, the Asylum has actually EMBRACED that they're practices are more or less a tackier version of singing “We're in the money.” But a mockbuster does not a bad movie make, no, no, no...an ASYLUM mockbuster does a bad movie make. With a budget of “Thank God we live in LA, most expenses went to get the guy who played the live action Spawn,” filming ambition that said “Quick, get this section done before we have to resume Z-Nation,” and the attitude that says “If we do a wink and nod to the movie, we're just like the movie,” this rust bucket had only two chances: So bad it's awful, or so bad it's a blast to mock.

So, the movie opens in LA in 2037, buildings are in ruin, buses are just sitting and gathering dust, cops are corrupt---

...I THINK it's 2037 LA...

...when our hero, Hammond (Michael Jai White) goes off the grid for some info on some activity, when it turns out it was all a trap via a chain gun for him and his partner, Dontbother Heswisschez. We then jump to sometime later as Hammond is part of an extraction team, where we find out the Big One hit, causing several power stations to go nuclear in the damage, thus dividing what's left into zones. The plan? Stop the drug kingpin in one of the zones, cut of a huge chunk of the drug trade!

Good call, nuked pot did a number on those kids from Tromaville...

Anyway, turns out they have to cut through a section that's full of radiated people that won't let 'em pass unless they make some deals, including for some Mexican Coke with real sugar! Dude, go for Japanese Pepsi, there's at least yogurt in one of those! They do get around and break into the targeted building, only to find an old radiated woman and a bunch of people ready to help move their target. Which works, as the cops fall for the old fake arm in the chair housing a gun gag! Always a classic.

A fight breaks out between the two groups and their toy gun sound effects...must've raided a closing Toys R Us...as a fist to fist fight breaks out between Hammond and some idiot that doesn't realize he's fighting Michael Jai White. After that, Hammond runs off on his own, thinking he's found the target while backup arrived...the local high school halfback!

No, it's the android cop himself (Randy Wayne), as his solution to stop this is...launching a grenade right behind Hammond and the crook! There, he saved you by damn near killing you, you should be grateful! But he's not, as this is an Asylum movie, we gotta go for future sci-fi cliché No. 24: The cop hates the new machine. So, of course, the new machine is assigned to Hammond as a partner, under the pretense of sci-fi cliché No. 45: Screw up the prototype so much because success means our jobs are done.

While all this is going on, the new cop (Named Andy) and Hammond are under watch by two crooked cops, lead by Sgt. Jones (Kadeem Hardison), worried that the new robot was sent by people trying to stop them. But there's no time to worry about that now, as Andy and Hammond get their first call, namely a jumper ready to end it all...in a sequence that says it was filmed in two different days...I think. Yes, only the Asylum can make the same location feel like it's filmed in a different place or day.

So, Hammond gets the bright idea to talk to the guy about organ donation to avoid jumping...which naturally causes the guy to think Hammond is nuts. Andy's plan is to simply hack into his phone and the phone of the woman he's fighting with, causing the two to reunite and be happy! Don't think about the implications, just be happy, damn it!

After that, the two get a call to the mayor's for his missing daughter, Helen (Larissa Vereza), or specifically, her body as she's really in a coma, but her mind is hooked up to an android...and they can't find the android. That's a helluva thing to misplace, hate to see what happens when you lose your keys. And, no, they can't just simply wake her up as she's actually in a coma and nobody told her she was hooked up to an android.

...wait, if nobody told her she's an android, what happens when she gets hungry or has to go to the bath---

LOOK WHAT THIS MOVIE HAS ME ASKING!

The two leave...without their sirens flashing...

Oooh, somebody didn't get the permit to do that!

...to talk to a shady dude at a bar who's connected to the underworld. Ah, now we're to cop movie cliches! So, he tries to play bad cop, but Andy takes the good cop act too literal, saying he couldn't find anything to lock the guy up. The kicker? Hammond used ANDY as the threat. Nothing like the local high school half back with hockey gloves that got a shave to put the fear of God into ya, huh? So, he goes over what he was trying to do and once Andy realizes it was good cop/bad cop...he goes too far in the other direction AGAIN and offers to call the police on Hammond for the guy. This leads to Hammond accusing Andy to malfunction, and the two fi---uh...dosy-do around the bar and out the window...oh, c'mon, you have one of the leading action movie martial artists in your movie! The guy in the high school halfback get up can't be that hard to kick!

Well, turns out it was a set up to trace the call Hammond knew the thug was gonna make after the...fight(?) and Andy...rolls with it after making some remarks...wait, if he knew this was an act, why did he take good cop/bad call so---screw it, it's the Asylum, moving on. The thug makes the call, and off our heroes go in their police car, saying they need to go in with no sirens and lights because they didn't get the permission to do---I mean “Sneak in quietly.”

They go into where the signal was, the set of...I mean the post Apocalyptic wasteland! Yes, not the set of Z-Nation where they only have so much time to film in between seasons! While that's going on, we find out the two cops watching through Andy on a monitor are in league with the corrupt mayor (Charles S. Dutton) and the plan is to use the missing daughter('s android body) case as an excuse to have them drive so far into the set...I mean 'zone...'that our heroes would have no choice, but shoot up every gang they meet or die. AND if the gangs kill them, war were declared and the cops can wipe 'em out without problems.

...are we POSITIVE this isn't modern LA?

After exposition that comes out of no where that says the Mayor doesn't view Helen as his daughter, he then comments that the two cops are what the city needs and asks who are they, leading them to say “They're the future of law enforcement” before leaving.

OW! OW! OW! THAT FORCED REFERENCE HURT! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!

They go into the zombie se---I mean semi-abandoned town, seeing various gangs eyeballing them as Andy shouts there's nothing unusual to see. I don't know, Spawn walking with the local high school halfback would have me wondering what's in the water supply. After seeing that the phone they were looking for was in a bin, they try to go back to the car call for back up when Andy can't reach HQ only for Helen to pop up and shout for 'em to stand back because somebody rigged the car to go boom.

This leads Helen to have the two come with her as the two cops watching lose Andy's vision and rig it so the gangs think they killed a gang member, thus marking them as a target. Sure enough, they get ambushed...by a gang full of dads (Or at least dad bodies) as the fi---I blinked, what happened? Yeah, after one shot against an ax welding dad, the gang backs off and Helen takes the heroes to her hideout.

Considering it was dads welding pipes and axes vs. two cops with guns? Yeah, no duh.

Once there, they see a woman covered in radiation sores, yet she gave birth to a normal baby thus revealing the environment isn't radioactive at all, but something is causing similar effects thus allowing property holders and such to cover it up as a way to thin out the gangs. Realizing they're screwed if they stay any longer, and Helen needs to get into protective custody, they aim to get to higher ground to get a better reception...until they're stopped by the one of the cars that ate Paris!

…

GET SOME AUSTRALIAN CULTURE, PEOPLE!

You're welcome, lets move on.

Actually, it's a car full of spikes and more gang members in their way. Naturally, gang war were declared on the cops and Helen, but because Andy's wearing the halfback pads of heroism, he takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin' as both he and Hammond get Helen out of there and to the tallest building in the land with them...only to be stopped by an amateur motocross rider!

Now THAT I know you got!

The rider gets taken out, but the car that ate Paris makes a return, cutting off the heroes from the tower. It tries to make another, when the thug Hammond offered the stuff to in the first act shows up and stops them for the time being.

I guess somebody really need that Car that Ate Paris for their b-movie cosplay.

Must've take 'em a while because now it's night and our heroes made it into the tower, only to find it's loaded with dead bodies they have to push through to get to the top. Just as long as they don't come back to life, I've played that part of the Resident Evil franchise. The gangs show off, but Andy offers to stay and get as many as he can while Hammond protects Helen...(Sees the hockey stick in a gang member's hand) ...from the Mighty Ducks.

Eventually, Andy shoots a gang member that...for some reason...has his helmet and they all make it to the roof right after he puts it back on. In the chaos, Helen gets wounded and realizes that she's not in her regular body, but an android's. Again, if she's been in the body the whole time, what about times where she doesn't eat or questioning about not needing to go to the bath---

GAH, LOOK WHAT THIS THING IS MAKING ME ASK!

She comes to terms with it just as the LAPD land on the roof thanks to Andy making the call. But when the head cop comes out, Andy detects the guy's BS and knows he's up to something, so tells Hammond to take Helen and run...only for the cop to tell his partner to override the android...revealed to actually be HAMMOND!

Yes, it turns out that Hammond actually nearly died from the opening earlier, and wound up got the same thing Helen got, only he's hardwired to the LAPD, thus forcing him to get out his gun and get ready to shoot Helen. Thing is though, they underestimated his will power to resist and are having trouble with the whole “Kill girl to cover up plot” thing.

Don't you hate it when you, the dragon to the evil mastermind, has gotta recall the android over “Conscious?”

But the events actually cause Hammond to remember how he got here, along with Helen, as they were BOTH victims of the gun from the opening as she was trying to save his life. This is enough to not only override the system, but make the computer controlling him from the other side of town explode!

I'd say something about not working that way, but I think we all heard this...

Andy tries to fight the cops, but all he can do is shoot them in the armor that had the same shielding. The cops flee the building while our heroes wind up cornered by the gangs...only for the gangs to give them the car that ate Paris to drive out of the zone. This causes the corrupt cops, who are in with the mayor on the deal to clear the gangs and the poor out, to go with plan B: Unplug Helen and Hammond from their bodies! Boy, hope the hospital is in on this, other wise the nurse would think “Hey, I left them alone with that cop...”

While that's going on, Hammond concludes that the reason the people are getting sick is due to the food the Mayor and his people drop of, concluding this because of a newspaper article he saw hung at the Mayor's house. Curse politicians need to show off they did good! After saying this, the cop guarding Hammond plays with the touch screen 1996 Pacard-Bell computer screen...

Because a 2000's neon blue Apple would break the Asylum's bank.

...causing Hammond's life support to go dead, with Helen's to follow. Thus, they have to take a shortcut down the L.A. River. What? It's the future, like that thing's ever gonna get fu---huh? Anywho, the bad cops sport it, leaving Andy to try to shoot down the giant CGI ship with his air pistol! It...well, not so much works, more scares it away, when both Hammond's and Helen's robot bodies start feeling the effects of their human ones about to die.

Meh, I felt the same way when I saw Justice League, they'll be fine.

Eventually, the bad guys catch up to our heroes and, of course, the head bad cop has to get one last taunt. Problem? This is Michael Jai White, and he's in a Car that ate Paris! They go to the top of a car garage that's right next to the hospital, jump off the garage while Andy jumps off the car and lands on the bad guys' flying machine, causing it to crash and kill them all the wile Hammond and Helen land on their floor next to a previously called member of the press where she tells her story!

I'd say how awesomely stupid this was, especially for an Asylum movie, but...again, we're all thinking this!

Hammond's dies in the room but the fate of Helen's, so far, is unknown when Andy shows up to give her the b-movie all healing shot. Right after, the Mayor shows up and tries to spew that she had a DNR order and ready to pull the plug...but then the b-movie all healing shot kicked in, waking her up! Naturally, she asks why the Mayor's been doing this, causing him to freak out and shouting she should've been dead. Naturally, Andy recorded it and broadcasted it over the PA, causing the Mayor to grab a nearby gun from a cop and shoot himself in the head, causing red food coloring to go all over the walls!

It's the Asylum, corn syrup would cost extra.

We then jump to a...kinda...epilogue, revealing that Hammond's android body is now independent from his human body as his mind is downloaded into the android body. Which leads to the joke, that he says, that he's now a Human-Droidican-American that stopped living and became a mixed up zombie.

Ok, ok, I added that bit after “Human-Droidican-American,” but I'm a MST3K fan, it's the law!

They get a call and drive into the city, sirens dead silent due to that pesky “Didn't get legal permission” thing, again.

You know, I'd be happy if more Asylum movies were like this, the same amount of stupid fun you'd fine in an episode of Z-Nation or a Sharknado movie. It's well aware it's a knock off, as are most of the actors, so they just have a bit of fun with it, which means you have a bit of fun watching it. Only downside is a couple of plot holes, like if Hammond wasn't aware that he was an android this whole time, why didn't he question never getting hungry or never having the need to go to the bath---GAH, WHY IS THIS THING MAKING ME ASK THAT!? But if you can overlook those and just wanna see a some actors have some fun earning a paycheck, this thing's worth a rental.

FINAL VERDICT: For being more fun than other Asylum knock offs, this movie gets a MST3K B-MOVIE BOMB! Overall, this is just a fun little movie...unlike most of the Asylum's knock offs. Now, if you'll excuse me, this movie has me wanting to get a POLICE car that ate Paris! Can't get that pesky “Permission” thing for the siren though...meh, I got the perfect substitute!

B-Movie Bomb's Fools of April: 1967's Casino Royale (Spoilers)

Usually for April, I set the month aside to review parodies or rip offs. First year, I did the Asylum, second year I did Chipmunks Go To The Movies, an entire season of the 80's revival of Alvin & The Chipmunks that were nothing but movie parodies, vs. their originals, third I tried the Asylum again...and damn near quit reviewing all together because the stinkers I picked were just HORRIBLE to begin with.

So, this year, to filter things out, let's try both! Two Asylum movies, two parodies, and let's get the ball rolling with...oh sweet merciful crap... the 1967 Casino Royal...it's too early to wish I was so drunk...

By 1967, the James Bond franchise had became such a hit, it was decided by producer Charles Feldman to adapt the first novel, Casino Royal, into a movie regardless that the major right holders of the Bond franchise at the time, and still are, EON Productions. Well, rights or no rights, he was gonna give us James Bond Year One...

Until he decided at the 11th hour to make it a comedy directed by SIX DIRECTORS...

More on that later.

...that would actually be a parody of the franchise. How 11th hour was this? Well, when it was originally supposed to be a drama, they got Peter Sellers to sign his contract under the idea that he was gonna finally show the world he could do more than shout that he can walk or be a bumbling inspector...only to find out what he signed got turned into a comedy and there was no way out...so he just decided NOT to be in a comedy. More on that later.

Folks, when I say this stinker is bad, I don't just mean on the screen, but behind it too. In fact, this review is either gonna be long because to explain how we got this mess, I have to...uh...explain how we got this mess, OR I'll have to break it into two parts.

So we open on Bond (Peter Sellers) meeting an agent at one of those things that's set up to help ya use the bathroom when you can't find one...with the joke being he shows his papers where his junk is as a bunch of school kids walk by.

After we get a nice song from Burt Backarach and opening titles that...well...spoil the movie...

Well, no need to watch, bye!

...ok, fine...

...we go to the English country side where four delegates made up of M (John Huston), CIA man Ransome (William Holden), member of France's Deuxieme Bureu Legrand (Charles Boyer), and KGB man (Kurt Kazaner) later identified as Smernov...

Because Vodka would be too damn obvious.

...heading to Bond's. We get some exposition that hints that the name's been passed down as we're introduced to the “Original” James Bond (David Niven, who has a stutter for some reason in the first act) as he not only deduces all the gadgets and weapons the delegates have, but decides to take a shot at Sean Connery, as he mentions how he hates that M-16 gave his name and number to that “Sexual deviant.”

Ok, I'll give the movie that joke since Niven, no joke, was one of the people in the running for Bond during the pre-production of Dr. No, so to me, I think that shot was more for him than anybody.

After calling everybody out for their gadgets, and Bond getting called out for the call out, he then points out that while time passes outside his walls, he doesn't have to worry about that by taking them outside (After waiting for a costume change) to show them a black flower that has grown in one spot, never changing. They beg him to come back, but he refuses to hear them...because it's time to play a particular song with his past...oh God...his past...

Ok, with what I'm about to write up here, please keep this in mind: This thing is set in the then modern day of 1967. Got that? 1967. I wouldn't keep pointing out this was set in 1967 except there's a backstory that'll cause your brain to SCREAM “Wait, this is 1967” until you hit a wall.

So the delegates talk about why Bond not only quit but refuses to go back, when M and Legrand reveal the truth: Turns out Bond did have a one true love back in his spying days. However, because of his deuty and the reveal that she was an enemy spy, he had to turn her in leading to her execution, thus he vowed to never be a spy again.

That woman? Mata Hari. The one who died in 1917. That sound of your frontal lobes shutting down in protest is normal...and it'll get worse.

Eventually, Bond sticks to his vow, even refusing a direct order from the queen, causing M to signal for the British army to blow up his house, thus forcing Bond to re-sign...only for it to backfire, killing him and the other delegates, thus causing Bond to head to M's home castle in Scotland. This causes the agents of the evil organization, SMESH...

Which...sounds like a drunk movie goer trying to tell you to keep quiet...

...to storm the castle and place in agents in disguise, with the only one with a convincing accent to take the lead, Mimi (Deborah Kerr) but the gag is that it's obviously fa---wait a minute...

*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

Kerr's Scottish...she's playing somebody who does the Scottish accent badly...how stupid can---no, no, I don't want that answered, I don't want that answered.

Anyway, it's revealed the only thing left of M is his toupee, so when Bond asks what they're gonna do with it, all Mimi can say is that it's a family hairloom...

OW! OW! PUN HURT ME! PUN HURT ME! OW! OW!

After more weirdness from the castle being full of young red heads...

Ok, somebody on staff was happy that day.

...to the family tradition of eating Goat Hagass, Bond gets ready for bed only for two of the red heads taking off his clothes as part of a plot to make him look like a sex fiend to the rest of the world! This includes a young red head, hinted to be 17, in the tub “Testing the temp,” and scrubbing ALL the bits....

All for moving o---thank you!

So the next phase of the plan calls for them to do a drunken celebration of M's life...which calls for the agents to actually GET drunk...kinda counter productive of the plan, but ok...while Bond is able to drink the whole (Fake) clan under the table... in some cases literally as two of 'em fell under the table. I guess holding your liquor when applying for spying is optional.

Well, pedophilia didn't work, getting him shitfaced backfired, so it's time for straight up seduction...only for that not to work, so now comes the “Try to embarrass” part as the penalty for refusing to bed the widow is Celtic games...complete with Mimi yelling “Play ball...” ok...

So, the first go around has Bond going up against these giant Scotsmen tossing literal stones...only for the giants to do everything from break the floor to their dang fool heads and each other due to the weight of the stones. Meanwhile, Bond is able to lift them just fine...which causes Mimi to suddenly speak French. I guess staying undercover is filed under the same optional features as staying sober. After showing off that Bond can break the styrof---I mean “Stone” ball, we jump to the next day as the girls rig a hunt to kill him while Mimi is locked up by said girls thanks to falling in love with him.

Keep this in mind, it will hurt later. By God, it will hurt later.

Mimi breaks out, complete in her evening gown and...mud boots...

Unique bed time combination...

...to help Bond out by sending the exploding birds back to the girls, while answering that they were ordered to corrupt him or kill him by the International Mothers' Help, East Berlin.

Insert Million Moms joke here.

In the conflict, Mimi gets wounded and acts...well...OVER acts like she's about to bite the dust when in reality she's...becoming a nun...and no, there is NO reason given...other than to have Niven in his boxers fall over as he says good bye. After a failed assassination attempt, Bond goes back to M-16 where he meets Money Penny's daughter (Barbra Bouchet) who, after a kiss Bond suddenly springs on her...

It's the 60's, women weren't people yet.

...informs him that her mom became a nun, causing Bond to say it's all the rage...OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH, that's why Mimi became a nun, this joke! HAHAHA...ha...ha...all the joy in life just got sucked out of me...

Anyway, Bond declares that he has no time to stammer...which is what we get for why he no longer stutters...as he now has M's job and is going over the agents that have bit the dust in various parts of the world as we jump to one still alive, Bond's own nephew, Jimmy Bond (Woody Allen) and we get to the ONE of the main problems with this movie.

I'm gonna one two skip a few since the plot factors in as to why they did this: Bond gets the idea to assign multiple people the name James Bond to trick SMESH into coming out in the open at one point and get them. Thing is, that means each agent has their own segment...and each segment has their own director...SIX DIRECTORS IN TOTAL. While it's one thing when a movie has a co-director, six is just asking for trouble...especially if all six only have SOME of the script.

Yeah, in a real life case of par for the stupid, each director was only given a section of script, so they had no clue what came before or how what they did tied into the overall movie. This caused a LOT of stress on set, to the point where everybody was fighting each other, on top of the six directors fighting each other already. Top it all off, the sixth director WASN'T EVEN PLANNED TO BEGIN WITH! Production on this thing to so SNAFU'd, that an uncredited director (Richard Talmadge) had to step in.

Again, this is ONE of the main problems. ONE!

Jimmy's segment is pretty much all the “Nervous characters Woody Allen plays as a secret agent” so I think I can skip most of it. So, Bond has a plan: Since all the agents seem to die in sexual related acts, find an agent that be trained to resist women! But it's the 60's and since all agents are supposed to be straight, this means a gag where Money Penny's daughter gets a row of men and kisses all of them to find the right one!

I had to watch it, I had to type it, you had to read it, I don't know who hurts more.

So she winds up bedding one of the guys, Coop (Terence Cooper) thus meaning...he gets the job? I thought it was supposed to be somebody who RESIS---oh, right, 60's, women not people yet. Yeah, bedding the judge to get here suddenly makes sense. Bond then announces the aforementioned plans to turn all the agents into 007, including the women, to trick SMESH while Coop goes to his resistance training...meaning various women try to seduce him and if he can ignore them, the plan is a success!

Again, 60's, women not people yet.

At first it's going great, until The Detainer (Daliah Lavi) shows up and both view the judo tossing as flirtation. Meanwhile, Bond goes to see Vesper Lynd (Ursula Andress), who left the service to trade in stocks, bonds, and weapons. He asks her, in exchange for a write off, to help him get a well known gambler known as Evelyn Tremble, the James Bond from the opening. And we get to the SECOND main problem of this movie.

Peter Sellers signed on to Casino Royale back when the plan was for it to be a straight up adaptation, a more traditional James Bond movie. He was so happy that he got the part because it would show off that he could do more than comedy, that he was THE actor of his time...then the 11th hour change to a comedy happened.

Well, not deterred, Sellers decided right then and there he wouldn't be in a comedy. Oh no, he obviously honored his contract, he just decided not to act like he was in a comedy. Almost everything he does in this thing is 100% with the idea that he signed up for a drama behind it because he did sign up for a drama. This was just ONE of the problems production had with Sellers and factored into his firing halfway through filming. I'll get to the other problem later.

So, Tremble goes into Lynd's ap---wait...I know this song...

...yeah...that's the “Look Of Love,” a classic love song that's been passed from generation to gen---WAIT A MINUTE!

*SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH*

THIS is where it comes from!? This freakin' mess of a movie!? THIS IS HOW THE WORLD GOT THE SONG!?

I just got knocked so stupid, I can't do math anymore.

They then go to her underground sex room where she tells him to put on different outfits to see how he looks in disguise, including Hitl---LOOK! LOOK AT THE INVISIBLE BUNNY! THE INVISIBLE NOT HITLER BUNNY BEHIND YOU!

Yeah...remember, Sellers went in with the intent of acting like he was still in a drama...

After being told that he's being hired to play Baccarat against one of the world's top players, we jump to the James Bond school where he runs into Q (Geoffery Bayldon) and...a few bad jokes including a guy dressed as a lawn gnome being the head of security, a hat the fires a gun backfiring with bird whistle.

After seeing Tremble fixed for gadgets, we jump back to Bond who finds out the whole Mothers thing was just a SMESH cover operation. Thus, they need to recruit somebody they won't expect that can join it or other cover groups, thus Bond decides to go to a hidden temple to recruit his own daughter: Mata Bond (Joanna Pettet)!

Hey! I can do math again! (Reads last paragraph) ...oh God...I can do math again...

Yeah...despite the year Hari was executed, despite the age of the actress (And the character), and all the years in between, this is...SOMEHOW...the daughter of Mata Hari and James Bond. Oh, and the real kick in the pants? She's a bad dancer to boot, as we see her introduction has her mostly...well...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqjhHVUzl8o

That.

So the two have a talk, revealing everything from everybody at the temple views her as a Goddess to that if Bond wasn't her dad, she'd...

...not touching that one. Nope. Not even going for the joke. Moving on.

She gets recruited and takes a tax---wait... (Sees the driver) ...Benard Cribbins!? I wonder if between this and the second Dalek movie he thought about firing his agent...

Anyway, she takes a taxi to West Berlin...complete with water damage and sea weed, ha, ha...and after arguing with the driver for change, she goes into the Mothers building, revealing it to be one long parody of German expressionism right down to the hall way being The Cabinet of Dr. Caligri...

No, I have no idea what that OR German expressionism as a full have to do with Bond.

..where she meets her mom's teacher (Anna Quayle) and the teacher's sidekick (Ronnie Corbett). They then inform her, while giving a grand tour, that the building, which is really the Mata Hari Dance School, is very democratic...as in they train spies for both sides of the iron curtain.

Well, they can at least say they don't discriminate.

They then show her a couple of rooms, an all red room for decoding done by blond women...

Because German Expressionism.

...and a karate class set on fast forward in an all white room while the students dress in black.

Because German Expressionism.

After the sidekick tries to get in bed with Mata, complete with him spilling the beans on SMESH'S financial officer, Le Chiffre, and stumbling onto Mata Hari's teacher who tells her about an auction made up of pictures that both the Commies AND the Capitalists bid on for later use. Oh, and be clad I don't do the dialogue verbatim during this entire bit, it'll just drive you around the bend and make you dumber in the process.

The taxi driver shows up to get Mata Bond out of the auction room and reveals he's a spy with the Foreign Office and has orders for her to stop the auction by any means...and those means are to snatch the pictures and play old war footage because everybody there is stupid enough to think it's an actual war. After a brawl that includes Hari's teacher dying from a gun of a dead World War I solider...

I...I don't know.

...she escapes with the film, and after seeing that the sewers sing “What's New Pussycat...”

...decides to take the cab all the way back to London. When the auctioneer fails to get the pictures back, he calls Le Chiffe (Orson Wells) who says the only way to get the cash back is to play baccarat, right before blowing the auctioneer up. We then jump Tremble's part as Bond as he...punches a customs official for no given reason...ok...we then lead to Q talking to Tremble under the cover of being at a car wash where...several women are trying to hump the car...

Ok, I might as well get to the THIRD major problem this movie had...

As stated before, Sellers refused to act as if he was in a comedy, so he played his part as if he was still in the drama he was promised. Well, when he saw the production was sliding into comedy, AND he was getting more paranoid that people were stealing his spotlight, he hired some of his friends to do some re-writes for his parts. What was rewritten and what was the original, I have no clue as the inept of one SOMEHOW bled into the inept of the other.

Sometime after getting settled into his room, he's then introduced to SMESH agent Miss Goodthighes (Jacqueline Bisset) and if I have to explain the joke, you also need an explanation for the name Plenty O'Toole. She tries to spike his drink, he tries to counter it...but the counter doesn't work as he's knocked out, leading to a dream sequence music video...and no, this isn't the worst thing to cause a movie to stop. That comes later. Oh, and this sequence includes Tremble literally playing Lynd like a piano.

Wait, so if a woman tells me to player like a fiddle, does that mean I have to use actual strings?

After Lynd wakes him up, we jump to the casino itself where Le Chiffre is on a baccarat winning streak...and suddenly decides to pull magic tricks, which leads to the FOURTH problem with this movie.

Around this time, Wells became interested (And obsessed) with magic, so when he agreed to sign on to the movie, he had one major condition: Several minutes to do his magic acts, on camera, with no editing. The people behind this thing really wanted him, so they said ok. So, yes, to get Wells on screen for several minutes, the movie has to come to a screeching, grinding halt so we can see Wells levitate a woman. After that trick, Tremble drops off the cash he's going to bet with and then goes into the office of the head of the casino (Colin Gordon) where, via both a one way mirror and security footage, Tremble reveals Le Chiffe's use of infa-red glasses to know what cards are being delt right before heading to the table...leading to problem NUMBER FIVE!

As I said earlier, EVERYBODY was fighting and feuding with each other during production, but nobody more so than Wells and Sellers, which made filming the baccarat scene with them together, something that had to be done, impossible. It all started when the Queen's sister, Princess Margret, arrived on set. Sellers already knew the woman, greeted her...and she blew past him because he was drooling over Wells, thus rushing to see him. On top of that, Sellers was becoming paranoid AND superstitious around this time, thus thinking Wells doing magic tricks was causing some supernatural chaos during production.

More like stopping the film, but ok.

All of these together caused Sellers to VOW to never film with Wells again, so the crucial baccarat scene the two had to two together had to be filmed separately, or mild hostility would be turned to HOSPITAL hostility.

I'd mention how it makes the scene awkward and almost horrible to watch, but Wells and his magic tricks just keep going, and going, and going...

Finally...FINALLY...the game starts rolling, complete with the BRIEF shots of them actually being together (BEFORE all the drama), and...I'll admit, the honest to God baccarat playing was tense and I was hanging on every moment. But it doesn't take long for the screw up, as after Tremble wins the game, Lynd is kidnapped, thus Tremble...has to change into a race driver's uniform and go into a Lotus 3 while speaking in rhyme?

I know I already used it once, but this movie...

We then see...Tremble captured by Le Chiffe with no explanation...uh...ok...which leads to one of the most tripped out sequences in the movie, and helps put it under the “Psychedelic Comedy” territory, as Tremble sees nothing but women projected on his face, mannequins, and suddenly finds himself dressed in a Scottish bagpiper's outfit. He then looks out the window and sees himself calling for help before he's in the middle of a bagpiper's parade...that has Peter O'Toole...ok...admittedly, there's a funny bit where after Toole asks Tremble if he's Richard Burton, he says HE'S Peter O'Toole, causing the real guy to call him the finest man that ever lived...

Ugh, I'm just giving a summary and I feel like I'm having the acid trip.

It then turns out Lynd is in the crowd and shoots them when they start attacking Tremble. This leads to her attack Tremble on the grounds that the production staff had enough of Sellers's antics and fired him half way through filming. We then jump back to London, where Bond tells Mata to wait outside of MI-6, leading SMESH to do this elaborate kidnapping involving a UFO. Bond figures it out right away and tries to have the air force follow it, only for it to lose them...but Mimi shows up in time as a nun seeking donations, and uses the recept to tell Bond that Mata is in Casino Royale.

I normally say I heard of dumber ways of call backs and payoffs...but no...no...this is the dumbest...

I am 8 pages in and all I feel like I'm doing is saying “NOT FUNNY” over and over and over and---

Bond and Moneypenny's daughter go to the casino and the main office, only to be ambushed in a fight sequence that reveals the office is actually an elevator that takes the two to the underground SMESH base, where after killing a duplicate Bond robot, they meet the actual SMESH leader, Dr. Noah...

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...

...aka JIMMY BOND! ...wait...huh?

Yes, turns out Jimmy, due to his own self confidence issues, made a virus that turns women into babes and kills any men over 4 feet. Jimmy has Bond and Moneypenny's daughter taken away while he...looks over a naked Detainer...uh...wait, when did she get captured?

“HEY GUYS, ARE THERE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING!?”

Of all the things to bring back from previous reviews...

Anyway, he then goes on to explain what we already know, including his jealousy over his uncle, and various shtick including falling off a rodeo machine. He then reveals one of his greatest creations: A pill that turns whoever swallows it into a walking nuke with each hiccup counting down to destruction. He then reveals his other great plan: Kidnap the world's leaders and replace them with fakes!

It's politics, would anybody know the difference?

She then spikes his drink with his pill just as Bond, Coop, Mata, and Moneypenny's daughter bust out of their cell. After a fight that results in the base starting to self destruct, they run down the hall and run into the Detainer and...Frankenstein's monster?

I know what you're gonna say. Yes. ALL the drugs.

They get back to the casino with the Detainer taking the back way...why the others don't, I don't know...with Bond ready to call for backup only for Lynd to stop the call. But it, or the “It's for love” quote she gives for SOME reason, doesn't matter, as the American aid arrives...in the form of cowboys...

Oh God, here we go.

While the cowboys and the SMESH agents start fighting, Jimmy is counting how many hiccups until boom, somebody launches a flying roulette wheel with bubbles, a monkey in a wig pops out from under that table...ok...everybody's smiling and laughing due to the bubbles/laughing gas from the wheel, one of the fighters gets tossed into a room where women are painted gold...

Gotta shove a Bond parody in somehow.

...a plane labeled 007 launches stereotypes of Native Americans...complete with their parachutes being tepees...into the casino, somebody who was thought dead earlier pops in, the keystone cops are called in, the Native Americans do a tribal dance, there's two seals with collars that read 007---

*HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK**HEADDESK*

THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ALL I CAN STANDS, I CAN STANDS NO MORE! I'M UPPING THIS WRAP!

…

*HEADDESK*

WRAPPING THIS UP!

The Casino eventually goes boom, as all the Bonds wind up in Heaven, even Jimmy, until cut footage of Peter Sellers shows up and blows on Jimmy, thus causing him to go down to Hell and this finally...mercifully...ends!

I'm dumber. I'm officially dumber. And chances are, you are too, but at least you have me as a buffer, where as I had to watch this mess that actually caused one of the people who worked on it, Charles K. Feldman, to have heart problems that wound up killing him two years later. Yes, this thing is so horrible, it actually killed a man!

Killed a few of my brain cells, I know that!

It's unfunny, uneven, unfunny, inept, unfunny, stupid, unfunny, moronic, unfunny, badly written, and above all else, UNFUNNY! Spy parodies in the hands of people who know what they're doing can, and have, worked, but this was changed at the 11th hour and it shows. This was done by multiple directors and the results speak for themselves. Top it all off, things are left unresolved, unexplained, and nobody cared...and frankly, nether do I. This mess is over, it's done with, and I don't EVER wanna watch again. Nobody was happy working on this thing, and I can see why. Talented people are wasted, funny people aren't funny, things happen at random for the sake of happening at random, and this was just stupid stupid STUPID!

FINAL VERDICT: For being unfunny, stupid, painful to watch, fatal to one of the producers, and left a bad taste in everybody's mouth from those who worked on it to those who watched, this movie gets a WORLD DESTRUCTION B-MOVIE BOMB! Hands down, one of the worst parodies I have ever seen, including the Movie-Movie ones. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to remind myself I can laugh again, so I'm gonna pop in It's Pat just to FEEL something.